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00:30And with time marching on like a mad march here in springtime,
00:59we come to one of our weekly highlights.
01:02And our guest today on Portwen Personality Playlist
01:06is of course our very own new GP, Doc Martin.
01:11Doctor Ellingham.
01:14What?
01:15Oh.
01:16Right.
01:17Doctor Ellingham, or Martin.
01:21So Doc, you gave up your life in London and a career as a top surgeon.
01:29A vascular specialist.
01:30To be our GP here in sleepy old Portwen.
01:34Yes.
01:35A little bit more.
01:39Yes, Caroline.
01:43What made you decide to do that?
01:46Um, I wanted to move.
01:52What were your first impressions of our village?
01:57It's windy.
01:58And the people.
01:59The people?
02:00The people of Portwen.
02:01What about them?
02:02Well, the people of Portwen are a rich and diverse culture.
02:03I bet you've been struck by certain individuals.
02:04It's early days, yeah.
02:05Your lobster, he's flashing out.
02:06Yeah.
02:07Bob gives me a good deal.
02:08I've got to go.
02:09Bye.
02:10Bye.
02:11Bye.
02:12Bye.
02:13Bye.
02:14Bye.
02:15Bye.
02:16Bye.
02:17Bye.
02:18Bye.
02:19Bye.
02:20Bye.
02:21Bye.
02:22Bye.
02:23Bye.
02:24Bye.
02:25Bye.
02:26Bye.
02:27That's a wonderful thing about cancer.
02:30People are terrified.
02:31I get discounts wherever I go.
02:34Lovely, Bob.
02:35Thanks.
02:36Are you thrusted to intimate relationships with each and every patient?
02:41No.
02:43No.
02:44No.
02:45I was wondering, long term, what are you going to do about money?
02:48Oh, don't you worry.
02:50I'll think of something.
02:52You know, someone.
02:54Bless you, mate.
02:56How about your personal life?
02:58Ever been married?
03:00No.
03:02Engaged?
03:04No.
03:06No trail of broken hearts in London?
03:08No.
03:10Not a radio natural.
03:12Yeah, well, you know,
03:14it takes people a little time to settle in.
03:16Look, is this live?
03:18I don't need to be.
03:20Some more than others.
03:22Here's one of my personal favourites.
03:28Do you think you could hurry up?
03:30This record finishes in two minutes,
03:3221 seconds, and I'm not putting out
03:34two in a row.
03:36This is meant to be a talk show.
03:44Here.
03:46This is where you always go wrong,
03:48if you don't mind my saying so.
03:50If I'm so bad at ploughing,
03:52won't you let me go do my course?
03:54Oh, how be, Doc?
03:56Here, Doc, you're from London.
03:58Why don't you tell young Bill Gates here
04:00that computers is only just a fad?
04:02Dad.
04:04Computers are only just a fad.
04:06I need to pee.
04:08You could say it with a bit more feeling.
04:10I really need to pee.
04:12Sorry, out of commission.
04:14Dad.
04:18Dad.
04:20You're going to stop in a family business
04:22until you've learnt a trade.
04:24That's a deal.
04:26It's not that different from plumbing, is it?
04:28It's about fixing things.
04:30Apart from anything else, I promised your mother God rest her soul.
04:32Promised her what? That you'd stop having a career?
04:34No, that I'd see you right.
04:36Sorry, Doc, no water.
04:38No, it's only your number one.
04:40If you don't wash, you don't count.
04:42I'll inform the medical community.
04:48Done it.
04:50Good boy.
04:56Don't you think you can give more than single-syllable answers?
05:00Welcome back to
05:02Portwen Personality Playlist
05:04where my guest is Portwen's new doc,
05:06Doc Martin.
05:08Doc,
05:10am I right in thinking that you spent a summer or two
05:12in Portwen as a young boy?
05:14Yes.
05:18I did.
05:20With your aunt,
05:22John?
05:24That's right.
05:26Well, airing one's laundry in public's
05:28not really my thing.
05:30You don't say, Doc.
05:32Well, Caroline, it strikes me you've got about a thousand locals
05:34who seem to do nothing but talk about themselves.
05:36Why don't you interview one of them?
05:40Where are you going?
05:42Over my dead body.
05:44I've got a place at college.
05:46I'm going whether you like it or not.
05:48You're staying here where I can look after you.
05:50I don't need looking after her.
05:52I promised your mother.
05:54Oh, Mum, you always wheel her out when you're losing her.
05:56All right, all right.
05:58How are you going to pay for it, then?
06:00I'll think of something.
06:02Good, cos you won't get a penny from me, boy.
06:04Well, don't you understand?
06:06I don't want anything from you,
06:09and you can shove it too!
06:16You all right, Jane? You look a bit pale.
06:18Do I?
06:20I'm fine.
06:22Just something I ate.
06:24You should go and see the Doc.
06:26Did you hear him on the radio?
06:28No, not really. He just caught a bit of it down at the front.
06:30Very cagey about his love life.
06:32Really?
06:34Very cagey about everything, really.
06:36What did you see in the interview?
06:38Don't blame me. Only one of my eyes was working.
06:40Oh.
06:42I thought you quite liked him.
06:44He's fine.
06:46What are you after?
06:48My Martin.
06:50My Martin.
06:52Who, Greg?
06:54Just know.
07:00Black thong.
07:02Oh, God.
07:04So, that's Thursday,
07:06quarter past twelve, then.
07:10Perhaps one day we'll get to meet
07:12the mysterious Greg.
07:14I don't think so.
07:16I don't think so.
07:18I don't think so.
07:20Perhaps one day we'll get to meet the mysterious Greg.
07:24You was rubbish on the radio.
07:28Have you sent my appointments through to my machine?
07:30No. This and Don't Work.
07:32Keeps saying I can't do what I want to do, innit?
07:34Elaine, I've shown you a hundred times.
07:36Yeah, and it's still Don't Work.
07:38So I wrote him Don't.
07:42Ricky Willow?
07:44Oh, you're on it.
07:46Yeah?
07:48So, Ricky, what's the problem?
07:50His bottom. It's the runs.
07:52I see.
07:54I don't know why boys are funny about their bottoms, do you?
07:56Diarrhoea. How long for?
07:58Two days.
08:00You taking plenty of fluids?
08:02Any fever or sickness?
08:04No. It's just his bottom.
08:06Right. Well, it might be something you ate,
08:08or it could be a viral infection.
08:10Could it be that he holds it in too long?
08:12No.
08:14I'm going to write you a prescription for some rehydration salts,
08:16and we'll give it a couple of days.
08:18Can I go back to work?
08:20He's a lifeguard at the leisure centre, you know.
08:22Well, make sure you're fully well
08:24before you go back.
08:26Any problems, come and see me.
08:28Aren't you going to check his bottom? Show him your bottom.
08:30No, that won't be necessary.
08:32Oh, but you'll be wanting to send this for testing.
08:34I won't be needing the jar back.
08:36Roger?
08:38How are you keeping?
08:40Good, thanks. Pretty good.
08:42Enjoying the chemo?
08:44Actually, I do have one complaint.
08:46I thought all my hair was going to fall out.
08:48I was looking forward to saving money on haircuts.
08:50There aren't any rules with these things.
08:52Have a seat.
08:54Um, speaking of rules,
08:56I have a favour to ask.
08:58What is it?
09:00Can I have a look?
09:02Yes.
09:04I have a favour to ask.
09:06Say no, obviously.
09:08Fire away.
09:10I've got someone looking into my case.
09:12It seems I might be in line
09:14for a bit of a payout,
09:16but I'd need a sick note.
09:18Uh-huh. Let's have a look at that scar tissue.
09:22That's coming on.
09:24The argument would be
09:26that the school made me redundant when they did
09:28so that they wouldn't have to pay me my pension.
09:30Sorry, where does the sick note fit in?
09:32Apparently,
09:34if I can show that I was sick
09:36at the time of my dismissal,
09:38I might qualify for retirement through ill health,
09:40which, wonder of wonders,
09:42is a pension that pays enough to live on,
09:44including the occasional haircut.
09:48Sorry, I don't quite follow.
09:52I think what they're saying is
09:54that I should ask you for a backdated sickness certificate.
09:58I can't do that.
10:00When did you lose your job?
10:02September.
10:04Well, I wasn't even here.
10:06I was a surgeon in London then.
10:08I can't do that.
10:12I should never have asked you.
10:14I don't know what I was thinking.
10:16Neither do I.
10:18It's just...
10:20I can give you a sick note dated
10:22from the first time you came to see me,
10:24if that's any use to you.
10:26Thanks.
10:28They're sending me a whole bunch of forms.
10:30I don't know.
10:32Well, bring them in. We'll have a look at them.
10:40OK, guys, well done. Gold medals. Off you go.
10:42Thanks, sir.
10:44Louisa, come here.
10:48So?
10:50The chances are
10:52I'll have to disappoint you. You know that, don't you?
10:54You haven't heard what I'm suggesting yet.
10:56I know, I know.
10:58I'm just shooting first and asking questions later.
11:04You see, Elaine, my thinking was
11:06that if you've got a greater understanding
11:08of these things, then you might start
11:10to enjoy your computer.
11:12And who knows, you might even start
11:14to use it correctly.
11:16Yeah.
11:20Oh, I really got to go.
11:22Nearly there.
11:24You see, the network wasn't recognising
11:26the new memory I put in, so by changing
11:28these little jumper switches here,
11:30we make the network
11:32happy.
11:34Check the stray swabs and stitch her up.
11:36We're done.
11:38Didn't take too long, either. It's not even eight yet.
11:40Great!
11:42Still got time to kill myself.
11:54Hi.
11:56Oh, God! Oh, God!
11:58Sorry.
12:00It's OK. I've got lots of Prader.
12:02Designer clothes.
12:04Oh.
12:06Of course, this isn't Prader.
12:08It was a joke.
12:10I see.
12:12I thought
12:14I ought to apologise about that time with Roger Fenn.
12:16I felt he needed looking after,
12:18and I suppose I felt guilty
12:20about his...about the whole
12:22retirement thing.
12:24You were angry with yourself, so you took it out on me.
12:26Well, excuse me... No, I thought that's what you were saying.
12:28Well, yes.
12:30I suppose it was.
12:32So it's not my fault? No.
12:34Oh, good. Yeah.
12:38Oh, I...
12:40Yeah.
12:44Well, I've, er,
12:46just come from the pub.
12:48Oh, it's clean in the car.
12:50Great food.
12:54And drinks.
12:58Not a big beer drinker.
13:00I've got a good selection of wines
13:02and whiskies.
13:04Really?
13:06Yeah.
13:08Well,
13:10maybe we'll bump into each other there one day.
13:12See you.
13:16I've got an idea.
13:20Why don't we go out for a drink one night?
13:22OK.
13:24Wednesday at 7.30?
13:26Did you know
13:28I wanted you to ask?
13:32Yes, I did.
13:34Hmm.
13:50Here, Doc, Doc.
13:54We're OK, right?
13:56Yeah. Good night.
13:58Here, here, Doc, Doc, here.
14:00Sit.
14:02Sit down, here.
14:12When I said shoving, I...
14:14I didn't mean, you know, shoving.
14:16Shoving.
14:18It was the happiest day of my life
14:20when I got, you know, er,
14:22Anne's son.
14:26How can you fix a broken heart, eh?
14:30Well, a lot of beer's a good start.
14:32Really?
14:34Yeah.
14:36He's moved out, hasn't he?
14:40You know,
14:42when I told my father that I wasn't going to
14:44follow him into the Navy,
14:46we didn't speak for three months.
14:48Yeah.
14:50Now you're older, you can understand
14:52his point, can't you? I mean, that's what
14:54I was trying to say to Al.
14:56Yeah, we still don't
14:58speak, actually.
15:00So now you're taking
15:02Al's side?
15:04I'm not taking anyone's side.
15:06So I was right in the first place.
15:08You know what? You can shove it.
15:11Yeah.
15:13Well, get someone
15:15from the chemist and go to bed.
15:17No, you can't see Doc
15:19Morton with bellyache.
15:22Well, try a hot water
15:24bottle. Elaine, can I have a word,
15:26please? Now.
15:28Er, look,
15:30I have to go.
15:36Now what?
15:38Elaine, it is not
15:40your job to give medical advice
15:42over the telephone.
15:44It was bellyache.
15:46That's not medical advice, it's common sense.
15:48Can I please decide who comes to
15:50my surgery? No!
15:52No? If they have bellyache
15:54or diarrhoea, then I have them wait.
15:56If they've got something serious, I get them in straight away.
15:58Thank you, I'm familiar with triage. Right, yeah,
16:00so I want an apology.
16:02If it weren't for me, you'd have had a dozen diarrhoea
16:04since yesterday.
16:08Doctor Ellingham,
16:10I knew you'd come.
16:12Mrs Tishall. I've been waiting for you.
16:14Good to hear. Why?
16:16Well, it's customary for a new GP
16:18to pay a courtesy call to his pharmacist.
16:20I'm sorry, I should have come sooner.
16:22I bought a cake. It's a bit stale now,
16:24though.
16:26I'm sorry, that was unprofessional of me.
16:28No, I'm sorry, I assumed.
16:30Would you like a cup of tea?
16:32No, thank you.
16:34I'm sorry.
16:36I assumed. Would you like a cup of tea?
16:38No time. I need some information.
16:40Right, sorry. Down to business, of course.
16:42Have you noticed an increased
16:44demand for diarrhoea remedies lately?
16:46Yes. In fact, you could say
16:48there's been a run on them.
16:50Sorry.
16:52Over the last
16:54several days, there's been perhaps
16:5620 or 30 people. Yeah, I thought so.
16:58Oh, I should have informed you.
17:00I'm sorry.
17:02I should have been more alert. I am sorry.
17:04Mrs Tishler, it really isn't necessary
17:06for you to apologise quite so often as you do.
17:08I'm...
17:10Do you remember any names?
17:12Yes. Mostly locals.
17:14Would you give me a list? I could.
17:18Now?
17:20Judging by your recent prescriptions,
17:22you seem to be aware
17:24of reports of adrenal crisis in
17:26inhaled corticosteroids.
17:28Were there been cases of adrenal suppression with excessive doses
17:30of fluticasone? I noticed you've
17:32taken care to ensure dosages below
17:34400... Yes, I try to remain current.
17:36I find I kill fewer patients that way.
17:38Could you give me the list, please? Oh, it's so
17:40nice to talk to a doctor again.
17:42Dr Sim and I could chat for hours.
17:44Mrs Tishler? When the quarterly
17:46MRHA bulletin
17:48comes out, perhaps we could get together
17:50over a pot of tea to discuss it? Just the list
17:52for now, please. I could make sandwiches.
17:54Do you eat tongue?
17:56Mrs Tishler, please stop talking and write
17:58me a list of all the people in this village with diarrhoea.
18:00Yes.
18:02Sorry.
18:08Are you
18:10Dr Martin? Dr Ellingham.
18:12Yes. I'm worried about my Emily.
18:14She's got a terrible tummy bug. I called the surgery
18:16but the girl said you couldn't see her.
18:18No, I will, as soon as I can. Can I take your name, please?
18:20Oh, it's Braithwaite and
18:22she's Emily.
18:2421 Playfield Street.
18:26Our Emily's never ill.
18:28She's as strong as an ox. She swims for the county.
18:30Well, there's all the more chance of her bouncing back
18:32quickly. I'll telephone you this afternoon.
18:34Thanks, Doctor.
18:36Just one thing.
18:38Does Emily swim at the leisure centre?
18:40She lives at the leisure centre.
18:48Mr Newton, it's very important that you remain hydrated.
18:50Drink a lot.
18:52Have you or your wife used the
18:54swimming pool at the leisure centre in the last five days?
18:56Uh-huh.
18:58Both of you?
19:00Right. All right, then.
19:02Bye-bye.
19:04Everything's fine. I'll show you.
19:06The evidence suggests that the pool's infected.
19:08No way. It's properly chlorinated
19:10and filtered. Well, my guess is it's
19:12cryptosporidium parvum. A large number of my
19:14patients used your pool recently,
19:16including one of your lifeguards. I keep
19:18rigorous records.
19:22Correctly tested.
19:24Correct pH levels.
19:26Exactly the right concentration of chlorine.
19:28Congratulations.
19:30This parasite is resistant to chlorine.
19:32You need to close the pool down,
19:34shock-treat it and change your filters.
19:36What? Have you any idea...
19:38Forget it.
19:40This pool is a danger to public health.
19:42Who the hell do you think you are,
19:44coming in here and telling me how to run my pool?
19:46I think I'm a doctor with dozens of
19:48sick patients. Okay.
19:50Well, you've said your piece. Now I'm asking you nicely
19:52to leave.
20:04Listen up.
20:06Excuse me.
20:08Children,
20:10I've got something really important to tell you.
20:18Shut up and listen!
20:22My name
20:24is Doctor Ellingham.
20:26I'd like everyone to
20:28swim to the side and get out of the pool
20:30immediately. No way!
20:32Yeah, you smell.
20:34Sort of.
20:36Smellingham, Smellingham,
20:38Smellingham, Smellingham.
20:40Yes, that's hilariously funny, but this is actually quite
20:42serious. I'm telling you
20:44there is something dangerous
20:46in the water.
20:48Now please, calmly swim to the
20:50edges and climb out of the pool.
21:08I've got them out.
21:10These children
21:12can't now. There's absolutely nothing wrong with
21:14the water.
21:20Mrs. Winters,
21:22in your upstairs bog.
21:24Can't wait. What's going on?
21:26Diarrhoea.
21:2814 now,
21:3017 tomorrow.
21:32Bring me the first patient's notes, will you?
21:36Hmm.
21:38You need to take plenty of fluids
21:40and I'll write you a prescription for
21:42a few days.
21:46You need to take plenty of fluids
21:48and I'll write you a prescription
21:50for some rehydration salts.
21:52And when you're feeling better, why don't you
21:54come and see me? We can talk about the treatments
21:56available for your acne. What acne?
22:00Doesn't matter.
22:02You're like me.
22:04What? I heard you on the radio.
22:06You're like me.
22:08In what way? You don't say much.
22:10I see.
22:12When did you last use the pool?
22:14What pool? The leisure centre.
22:16Year nine.
22:18What, you don't swim?
22:20I don't get out much.
22:22Someone in your family, then?
22:24No.
22:26Have you been in contact with
22:28anyone who used the pool at the leisure centre
22:30recently?
22:34Out of the way.
22:40Can I have your attention, please?
22:42Has anyone not used
22:44the swimming pool at the leisure centre recently
22:46or been in contact with any swimmers there?
22:52Right. Thank you.
22:54What are you doing?
23:04Welcome back.
23:06You're listening to Radio Portwen.
23:08And we have a surprise visitor in the studio,
23:10our very own Doc Martin.
23:12Good afternoon.
23:14I gather he's got some health information
23:16for us and he'll be taking calls
23:18later in the show.
23:20Couldn't stay away, eh, Doc?
23:22Some of you may already be aware
23:24that there's been a stomach infection
23:26doing the rounds in the village.
23:28Oh, yeah. One or two of my friends
23:30have gone down with it. I hope I don't get it.
23:32I thought I'd tracked down
23:34the source to the pool at the leisure centre
23:36but that turns out not to be the culprit.
23:38So, for the time being,
23:40I'm advising you to boil all local tap water
23:42before drinking it or cooking...
23:44So, we've got a mystery, then.
23:46No, I don't think so.
23:48The culprit's quite clearly Portwen's own water supply.
23:50That's why I'm advising you to boil...
23:52Hey, time for a commercial break.
23:54What do you think you're doing?
23:56What?
23:58You can't say that about the water.
24:00Why not?
24:02If you bothered to know anything about the place you live in,
24:04you'd know we had a scare here three years ago
24:06because of these people.
24:08If the media gets hold of this, Portwen is finished.
24:10I'm doing my job.
24:12Tell that to the family.
24:14Still on the dole after the last ball's up.
24:16They'd love to do their jobs.
24:18And we're back.
24:20We just want to reassure you
24:22that Doc didn't mean to suggest
24:24there was anything wrong with the water supply.
24:26Yes, I did. There is a possibility
24:28that the water supply...
24:30That's right. The water is just a possibility.
24:32No, no, no. I said there's a possibility
24:34Hi, you're on the air, talking to Caroline.
24:36Hi, Ed Johnson, Cornish Echo.
24:38Could Dr Ellingham
24:40tell your listeners and our readers
24:42just how serious disinfected water is?
24:44Are we talking hospitalisation?
24:46Or fatalities? Or...
24:52Sorry.
24:54You should be pissing in our water.
24:56Honk!
25:02That's us buggered, then.
25:04Tosser!
25:10You want some of this?
25:12It's very good for you.
25:14No, no, no. I can't stop.
25:16Look, Marty, you do realise that the villagers
25:18are dusting off their pitchforks, don't you?
25:20Yes. Exactly how many generations ago
25:22did the inbreeding start with these people?
25:24A few years ago,
25:26there was a scare about aluminium in the water.
25:28I know. It was a false alarm,
25:30but the damage had been done.
25:32The national press had a field day.
25:34Summer came. The tourists didn't.
25:36I heard all about that,
25:38but we are talking about the public health.
25:40Now, if a few less cornets get sold down on the front,
25:42then I'm very, very sorry.
25:44The Norders lost their house.
25:46Poor old Bob Pearson hanged himself.
25:48I still have to warn people, don't I?
25:50If I don't warn people, then the pitchfork brigade
25:52will crucify me for that, won't they?
25:54Probably. And when I'm proven right
25:56and that water's tested, you see any of them
25:58coming up here and begging to eat a piece of humble pie?
26:00I don't think so.
26:02Martin,
26:04tell me you had that water tested
26:06before you went on the radio.
26:10Martin! Excuse me.
26:22Oh.
26:42Hey, you don't like our water?
26:44Bert, it's been a long day.
26:46Take two Aspen and insult me in the morning.
26:48Daphne du Maurier said our water was worth a pound a pint.
26:50I'm sure she did.
26:52Well, I never touch it myself.
26:54That sludge has got all sorts in it.
26:56What?
26:58Might it come in?
27:00That water eats through pipes.
27:02Imagine what it would do to your innards.
27:04Well, it may have been premature to question the supply,
27:06but the truth of the matter is
27:08I'm having further investigations
27:10carried out on the water tomorrow.
27:12But until we hear to the contrary,
27:14it would be safe enough to assume that...
27:16Are you out of your mind, Doc?
27:18You go and barb in. No, you want to play it safe.
27:20That's what I do. Here.
27:22This is what you need.
27:24Here. Fine French spring water.
27:26Oh, Bert, I appreciate that this is an opportunity for you...
27:28Oh, no, this is a proper job, this.
27:30Shadow St Marie.
27:32What I said on the radio was just an opinion.
27:34But you were right, Doc.
27:36People listen to you.
27:38Since that plug on the radio, my business has doubled.
27:40Well, we need to have the water tested.
27:42No, you don't need to test this, Doc.
27:44It's from an ancient spring
27:46deep beneath the green hills of France.
27:48No, better be safe than sorry.
27:50Now, when you run out, just give us a call.
27:52Free delivery.
27:54For you.
28:08Well, of course you can test for cryptosporidium.
28:10This is the North Cornwall Water Company, isn't it?
28:12We can.
28:14But we don't.
28:16This is a water treatment plant, yes?
28:18The finest in north-west Cornwall.
28:20And it's safe to assume that you can actually do the test here?
28:22I suppose so.
28:24Then it's also safe to assume that you are a self-important,
28:26obstructive moron.
28:28There are people in port when throwing up as we speak.
28:30If that's everything,
28:32I have important matters to obstruct.
28:38OK, how are we going to sort this out?
28:40Well, we're going to have to find a way
28:42OK, how are we going to sort this out?
28:46We do have a rolling programme of tests.
28:48If I were to try and squeeze this one in,
28:50there would be a cost implication.
28:52You mean an extra charge?
28:56I'm not authorised to make any charge.
28:58But you could make a contribution to our Christmas fund.
29:08Roger?
29:10Roger, how are you doing?
29:12Yeah, OK.
29:14Listen, I shouldn't be telling you this,
29:16because it's not official,
29:18but it looks like there's a half-time music teaching poster
29:20with your name on it.
29:24Right.
29:26But try not to get too excited.
29:28Of course we can't justify it on our own, as you know,
29:30but it looks like St Wilfred's are coming in with us.
29:32So I've taken the liberty, I hope you don't mind,
29:34of putting after-school music
29:36on this term's clubs list.
29:38I can't. I can't.
29:40Why not? Of course you can.
29:42You should have been teaching music all along.
29:44And the parents are keen. You know, John Dodd's with them.
29:46She says she remembers you in your band.
29:48I really appreciate it, Louisa,
29:50I just can't do it.
29:52Why?
29:54There's a claim
29:56for constructive dismissal going in for me.
29:58There are people working very hard
30:00to get me my pension.
30:02I don't think they'd appreciate it
30:04if I suddenly pulled the rug out from underneath them.
30:06But I...
30:08And the fact is, having been away from it for a few months,
30:10it seems to me
30:12there's more to life than teaching.
30:14Right.
30:18I'm sorry.
30:20Fine.
30:22Fine.
30:24I've set the ball rolling now,
30:26and I don't know what to do,
30:28but...
30:30fine.
30:36Thanks for coming at short notice,
30:38um, Mr Johnston, sorry.
30:40Ed, I should thank you.
30:42Sales of the Echo are very healthy,
30:44even if the people have bought one or not.
30:46Newborn lambs don't shift newspapers in quite the same way.
30:48I want to set the record straight
30:50about the water. Have a seat, please.
30:52Dish.
30:56This has been a huge misunderstanding.
30:58I don't know for certain
31:00that there's anything wrong with the tap water at all.
31:02Well, hang on a minute.
31:04If the water's OK,
31:06how come you're drinking mineral water?
31:08I like it.
31:10I often drink it.
31:12But I also drink the tap water.
31:16It's good. It's safe.
31:22It's lovely.
31:24So, for the time being, the tap water is safe,
31:26and I'd be grateful if you'd...
31:30quote me on that.
31:32What's with the U-turn?
31:34You announced on the radio that the water was contaminated.
31:36Um, not in possession of all the facts.
31:38We're still having tests done, and that takes time.
31:40So now you're saying what?
31:42The tap water's fine?
31:44Absolutely. Our good Cornish water
31:46is still worth a pound a pint.
31:48What?
31:50Daphne du Maurier. Excuse me.
31:52You all right? Mm-hm.
31:54I'm fine. You're not, are you?
31:56You've got the lurkey, haven't you?
31:58So there is something wrong with the water.
32:02Can I quote you on that?
32:24I was just wondering if, um...
32:26I'll come back when you're feeling better.
32:28No, no, no. I'm fine.
32:30Um, the forms have arrived.
32:32Yeah, right. Leave them with me.
32:34Thanks, Martin.
32:38I thought I'd drop this off personally.
32:46No faecal coliforms, Detective.
32:48No coliforms of any kind.
32:50No contamination at all.
32:52That's not the tap water, then.
32:54That's good news for the village.
32:56Back to square one.
32:58Well,
33:00I'll be on my way, then.
33:06Are you having a stroke?
33:08Christmas fund.
33:10Word to the wise.
33:12Always take your feed before you give your diagnosis.
33:28Okay.
33:58Halt!
34:02Halt!
34:28That's no submarine, is it?
34:30If you don't mind, it's private property!
34:34What the bloody hell do you think you're doing, Bert?
34:36None of your business now, is it?
34:38Like I told you before,
34:40shove it!
34:42Bert, this...
34:44This whole operation's
34:46got to shut down now.
34:48Look, this might not be French water,
34:50but at least it's spring water.
34:52You're making everyone ill, Bert.
34:54First,
34:56there was the leisure centre.
34:58Then there was tap water. Now it's me.
35:00Who's next?
35:02I've had the mains water tested. It's clean.
35:04This is from my spring.
35:06It don't get cleaner than that.
35:08Where is your spring? Up Northfield.
35:10You keep sheep there? Aye.
35:12Are they lambing? Aye.
35:14Sheep during lambing, a common source of cryptosporidium.
35:18You have to collect
35:20all the water you've sold, every single bottle,
35:22Bert, and stop.
35:24So I've given
35:26everyone the runs.
35:28Quick as a flash.
35:32This is all
35:34for Al.
35:36I always knew he was gonna
35:38fly the nest, but...
35:40That's why I started this.
35:42What's up?
35:44Grab someone on the side, make a little nest egg
35:46for him. I thought you didn't want him to go.
35:48I don't.
35:50The morning I was born,
35:52I had this vision, right?
35:54Him and me, plumbers together,
35:56that we would be something special.
35:58You know, invent a new stopcock
36:00or something.
36:02I don't want him to go.
36:04But when the time comes,
36:06I'll have to provide for him.
36:08Ungrateful little tyke.
36:22Now what do you want?
36:24Drop dead, you dunderhead.
36:26Dunderhead? Is that the best you can do?
36:28Do you hear him? I can't speak to him like this.
36:30Bert. What?
36:32Your father has something
36:34he wants to tell you.
36:42You must be freezing out here.
36:44Would you like me to bring you a spare heater?
36:46Oh, for God's sake.
36:48Your father wants to apologise for being a mindless
36:50control freak, and he's fine about you going to college
36:52and studying computers.
36:54He didn't say that. Not him.
36:56He said it to me, and he meant it.
37:00If he means it, he should say it.
37:02All right.
37:04To me.
37:08I've been thinking.
37:10If you want to do this computer stuff,
37:12it's all right by me.
37:14If you want to do this computer stuff,
37:16it's all right by me.
37:20Yeah? Yeah.
37:22Yeah? Yes!
37:24Dad. Dad.
37:28Get out of it.
37:32Dad, it's quite expensive, this college.
37:34Oh, don't worry about that.
37:36What, you're not selling that, er, you know...
37:38Oh, no, no.
37:40Like I told you, I stopped that a long time ago.
37:42Then how?
37:44Look, we'll sort it, don't worry.
37:46Now, there's another option.
37:48You can do night classes.
37:50I hear they do them at Whitebridge.
37:52What, and do the plumbing in the day?
37:54Oh, it's just an idea, you know.
37:56See the coppers coming in? Where do you study?
37:58Yeah, it's an idea.
38:00Here, Doc, that other thing.
38:02Consider it sorted.
38:04Yeah.
38:06Um, Al, as you're good with computers,
38:08you wouldn't mind having a look at the two in the surgery,
38:10would you?
38:12There's a problem with the network, whatever that is.
38:14Yeah.
38:16Mind you, it'll cost you.
38:18Dad.
38:22No way!
38:24Greg, I'm not having that.
38:28No!
38:30Yeah?
38:32Is Martin around?
38:34On the radio.
38:36Which bit of the word no do you not understand?
38:38Any idea when he might be back?
38:42I've no idea.
38:44Do you mind?
38:50Oh, Mr Fan, he left this for you.
38:58You gave me a D for attitude, you remember?
39:02Mistake.
39:08Yeah, all right.
39:10Yeah.
39:12So, Doc, the crisis is over,
39:14there are no new cases of stomach upset
39:16and our tap water has been officially vindicated.
39:20You must be feeling a little red-faced.
39:22Hardly.
39:24I may well...
39:26Well, you were wrong.
39:28With the benefit of hindsight, yes,
39:30but I stand by my decision.
39:32People might say foolish, even.
39:34Look...
39:36...you're the cause of the infection.
39:40No, I haven't.
39:42People might say you almost put this village
39:44out of business for nothing.
39:46Yes, they might.
39:48Well, I'm sure we'll all
39:50come to our own conclusions as to how well
39:52this has been handled. Thanks, Doc.
39:54Thanks, Caroline.
39:56And now, moving on to this week's
39:58catchphrase competition.
40:07WHISTLE BLOWS
40:19This is totally messed up, Doc.
40:21Oh, that's, um...
40:23probably my fault. I was having a look at it this morning.
40:25Your settings are completely wrong,
40:27your network configuration is a shambles.
40:29Sounds like that might be expensive, Doc,
40:31your new network configuration stuff.
40:33It was fine last night.
40:35Well, I'm sure Al can fix it.
40:37I thought you fixed it that time. Sure Al can fix it.
40:47Oh, no!
40:49Oh, Lord, who'd have guessed?
40:51What do you want, Elaine?
40:53Nothing.
40:55Can you set this up
40:57so I can get free music off the net?
40:59No, that's illegal.
41:01But for me?
41:03No. Al?
41:05OK. Good.
41:07Yeah, I can sort it for you, Doc,
41:09but it'll take me a while, though,
41:11and I'll have to come back after lunch.
41:13Ah, well, I can't afford for the network to be down.
41:15Er, I wonder if we could arrange
41:17for you to do some sort of
41:19monthly check-up, if you...
41:21What?
41:23Do you fancy direct debit or standing order?
41:25Dad. I'm sure we can work something out, Doc, yeah.
41:27So have I got to put up with this lump every month?
41:29Lump, eh?
41:31Cheers, Doc.
41:35Er, nice and quiet, please.
41:37And I include you, Lucy Holmes.
41:41Well, welcome to Music Club.
41:43So,
41:45what I thought we'd do, this week at least,
41:47is some
41:49music appreciation.
41:51Because we all need to listen to music
41:53before we can begin
41:55to play it. Ready?
41:57But what about Mr Fan?
41:59Mr Fan's meant to be teaching us,
42:01isn't he? He's got cancer.
42:03Well, we were hoping that Mr Fan
42:05would be here for Music Club
42:07and to give us some music lessons,
42:09but unfortunately he was unable to come.
42:11So,
42:13are you any good at music, then, Miss?
42:15Well, you don't have to be good at music
42:17to enjoy it
42:19or to appreciate it.
42:21But it, er,
42:23it helps if you want to teach it, though, eh?
42:25Right then, everybody,
42:27who wants to make some music?
42:29Me! Great. Now, listen.
42:31Next week, I'm going to ask you all to bring in
42:33an instrument of your own, but this week
42:35we're going to make do with the ones
42:37we have all been blessed with,
42:39our voices.
42:41So, come on, form a nice circle around the piano.
42:43Shoot off, if you like.
42:45There's a lot of tension in the club.
42:47Can you imagine me with a decent haircut?
42:49I don't know what you mean. Well, can you?
42:51No, not really. Neither could I.
42:53Right, do you call this a circle?
42:55Yes. Right, erm,
42:57now, who remembers this one?
42:59PIANO PLAYS
43:01CHILDREN CHATTER
43:03Oh, yeah!
43:05PIANO CONTINUES
43:07PIANO CONTINUES
43:09CHILDREN CHATTER
43:11CHILDREN SING
43:13CHILDREN SING
43:15CHILDREN SING
43:17CHILDREN SING
43:19CHILDREN SING
43:21CHILDREN SING
43:23CHILDREN SING
43:25CHILDREN SING
43:27CHILDREN SING
43:29CHILDREN SING
43:31CHILDREN SING
43:33CHILDREN SING
43:35CHILDREN SING
43:37CHILDREN SING
43:39CHILDREN SING
43:41CHILDREN SING
43:43CHILDREN SING
43:45CHILDREN SING
43:47CHILDREN SING
43:49CHILDREN SING
43:51CHILDREN SING
43:53CHILDREN SING
43:55Am I late? Er, no.
43:57No, I'm early.
43:59I heard you on the radio.
44:01Oh, which time? Does it matter?
44:03Yeah, some were more painful than the others.
44:05Really? No, they were all awful.
44:07So what's the story with the water, then?
44:09Oh, it's over.
44:11Oh, come on, you can tell me.
44:13I knew you were holding back. The way you let Caroline
44:15lay into you like that. I made a mistake
44:17and I admitted it. Evening, Dom.
44:19You carry on like this and it might even be safe
44:21for me to admit I was on your interview panel.
44:23I wouldn't break cover just yet if I was you.
44:27Um, er, drink?
44:29Yes, I'll have, um,
44:31water, I think, yes.
44:33Shall I find you somewhere out there?
44:41Doc, hi.
44:43Mark. Listen, I should come and see you sometime.
44:45OK. Because I'm still, you know,
44:47the old depression thing.
44:49Yeah, well, any time.
44:51But not...
44:53I think I know what it is.
44:55It's the girlfriend thing.
44:57I used to think I was a basically unhappy person,
44:59but now I think I'm a basically happy person
45:01who just doesn't have a girlfriend.
45:05Oh, Louisa,
45:07actually, we could just have a little minute, could we?
45:09Bit delicate.
45:11Um...
45:13Thanks.
45:15I mean, I do have girlfriends regularly,
45:17of course. Well, not regularly,
45:19but it's not like it's once in a blue...
45:21Well, it is once in a blue moon, to be honest,
45:23but I had this one once,
45:25and she said I was
45:27too gentle.
45:29I didn't know what to do with that.
45:31Have you ever had that?
45:33Too gentle?
45:35No.
45:37Oh, it's a hard one.
45:39I mean, they say too gentle,
45:41but what do they mean by that?
45:45♪
46:15♪