Bowlers vs. Runners, 1999
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00:00Hi, I'm Vince Vaughn, and you're watching Comedy Central.
00:02Mother and I always watch together.
00:04I'm Janine Garofalo, and you're watching Comedy Central.
00:14Get ready for Versus!
00:17It's the team that spent more time in alleys and gutters
00:20than Robert Downey Jr.
00:23Versus!
00:25A team with so little body fat
00:27that they've actually considered ass implants.
00:30That's right, it's Bowlers vs. Marathon Runners on Versus!
00:36And now, a man who got his groove back
00:39two days after the test results, Greg Groves!
00:43Shut up and listen, and welcome to Versus, ladies and gentlemen.
00:57This is the show that takes two rival teams
01:00and pits them against each other in intellectual combat.
01:05You don't have to be a genius to dig this show,
01:07but it does help if you're not completely brain-dead.
01:10Tonight, cross-training vs. beer-draining.
01:15Oh, yeah, we've met the teams.
01:17Now let's kick the players around.
01:19Joe!
01:20All right, first there's Tony.
01:22He likes his bowling shoes like he likes his women.
01:25Rented and a little tight.
01:29Next, there's Alan.
01:31He looks forward to league night
01:33because it's the only time he gets to put his fingers
01:35in three holes at once.
01:39Finally, there's Ian.
01:41He's smiling because while we tape the show,
01:43he's getting his balls waxed.
01:46There they are, the Bowlers!
01:52Meet David.
01:53He once experienced a runner's high so powerful
01:56the cops had to talk him down off a curb.
02:01Next, there's Tyson.
02:03He's so obsessed with training,
02:04he's wearing a pair of adult diapers
02:06because he's running right now.
02:10And finally, there's Foot.
02:12No matter how much pain he's in,
02:14he never pulls out before he's finished.
02:16Just ask his wife.
02:19And those are the Marathon Runners!
02:23Oh, yeah!
02:24I think I'm ready to take my victory lap.
02:28Yeah, well, be sure to stop and check the dampness
02:30over the little blower thing.
02:32Okay, we brought these teams together
02:35because they're both involved in sports,
02:37but they couldn't be more opposite.
02:39Oh, yeah, let's find out who's really smarter.
02:41But first, let me ask you something.
02:43David, you're a finely tuned athlete
02:46and probably a world-class marathon runner.
02:49Where do you put bowlers on the scale of athletics?
02:53Probably right up there with the people
02:55who watch marathons on TV.
02:58Oh!
03:01Wow.
03:03You're a casual snacking crowd, then.
03:05All right.
03:06Alan, have you ever considered a marathon running?
03:08Not in my life.
03:10It would be the biggest waste of time
03:11I could possibly think of.
03:13Yeah!
03:15Well, I think you know that a perfect game in bowling
03:17is when the French fries arrive before the seventh frame.
03:20All right.
03:21We're going to start things off
03:23with some general knowledge questions.
03:25Everyone in the universe has a chance to ring in,
03:27but mostly the six people with the buzzers.
03:30Every correct answer is worth 100 clams.
03:32If you get it wrong, don't freak!
03:33You don't lose any points,
03:34but the other team has a chance to confer
03:36and steal the cash.
03:38All eyes gaze in delighted merriment
03:41at the versus board,
03:42for here is our first subject,
03:44which is celebrities, as it so often is.
03:47And our categories be
03:49Trick or Treat Williams,
03:51or I'm Xena Brawless Lawless.
03:56And that is so hard to read off the card.
03:58Marathoners, since you won the coin toss,
04:01you pick the first category.
04:03David, you're lean, you're tight,
04:05you're ready to rock.
04:06It's your choice.
04:07I'm Xena Brawless Lawless.
04:09Okay.
04:10In 1997, Warrior Princess Lucy Lawless
04:14popped out of her dress
04:15while singing the national anthem
04:17at what hockey team's home arena in Anaheim?
04:20Tyson.
04:21The Mighty Ducks.
04:22Is correct.
04:23Yeah!
04:24Yeah!
04:25Yeah!
04:28See, that one sneaked around from behind.
04:30Turned out to be a hockey question.
04:31There we go.
04:33Next question.
04:34Treat Williams had his first New York acting job
04:36as an understudy to John Travolta
04:38in which Broadway musical?
04:41David.
04:42Grease.
04:43Grease is correct.
04:49The breadth and scope.
04:50Here we go.
04:51Next subject, which is Asian history.
04:55And the categories are
04:56How many roads must a man walk down
04:59before you can call him a cab?
05:02Or a nation of angry Asians wants to pull pot.
05:06David, you choose.
05:07How many roads must a man walk down
05:09before you can call him a cab?
05:11Yes, it's the longest sentence in game show history
05:13and we carry on.
05:14In 1934, what Chinese communist leader
05:18led his Red Army on the Long March?
05:22Alan.
05:23Mao Zedong.
05:24Is exactly correct.
05:26That's good.
05:27That's right.
05:28Bowlers and history, a perfect match.
05:32Next question.
05:33In 1975, communist bad guy Pol Pot
05:36overthrew the government of which Southeast Asian nation?
05:40Tony.
05:41Cambodia.
05:42Is correct.
05:47And you know the first people they purge are the bowlers.
05:50All right, our next question.
05:52And you know the first people they purge are the bowlers.
05:54All right, our next subject.
05:56Music.
05:57Bowlers and intellectuals.
05:59All right, music.
06:00And the categories are
06:01Wake up, Little Sousa.
06:02And seems like whenever I want to tickle your ivories,
06:05you say it's rag time.
06:08Oh.
06:10So funny, so oblique, so impenetrably horrible.
06:13Here we go.
06:14Tony, your choice, babe.
06:15How about Wake up, Little Sousa?
06:16All right.
06:17Named for American bandmaster John Philip Sousa,
06:21the large circular sousaphone is a marching version
06:24of what brass instrument?
06:26Tony.
06:27The tuba.
06:28Tuba.
06:30That's how it works.
06:36Runners, runners, bowlers are a little bit ahead right now.
06:39How's it feeling?
06:40Not too good.
06:41Not too good, okay.
06:42All right, well, we'll stop by the drinks table
06:44and you can spit some water out.
06:45Here we go.
06:46What legendary ragtime pianist
06:49is famous for composing such works as
06:51The Maple Leaf Rag and The Entertainer?
06:54David.
06:55Scott Joplin.
06:56Is correct.
06:57Scott Joplin.
07:02The immortal Scott Joplin.
07:04Our next subject is sea life.
07:06And the categories are
07:08What you see is what you net
07:10and Bonfire of the Manatees.
07:14David, we're straining to keep above these puns.
07:17Will you choose?
07:18Bonfire of the Manatees.
07:19Here we go.
07:20Because it grazes on marine grasses
07:23and other water plants,
07:25by what name are manatees more popularly known?
07:29Alan.
07:30Sea cow.
07:31Is correct.
07:36They are, of course, the bowlers of the ocean.
07:39The Marine Mammal Protection Act of 1972
07:43led to the dolphin safe labels on cans of which product?
07:48Tyson.
07:49Tuna.
07:50Is correct.
07:51Oh, my God.
07:52Great googly moogly at the end of round one.
07:57Black-footed tie, 400-400.
07:59But stick around,
08:00because it's going to get ugly when we get back.
08:02Just lay there, you pigs.
08:04Welcome back.
08:29I'm Laurence Olivier.
08:32Is it safe?
08:34Is it safe?
08:37All right, off to the general knowledge round.
08:39The bowlers and the marathoners, neck and neck.
08:42This is like an athletic competition,
08:44except we're using our brains today.
08:47You guys are hardcore.
08:48Foot, I know you rock hard,
08:50but, dude, the socks.
08:52Can we get it?
08:54What is up with that?
08:57The socks kind of show the different moments of a race.
09:01It's happy, it's sad, it's just there.
09:04Wow, the gamut of human emotions described on a sock.
09:08You really can encapsulate America more than that,
09:10can you, ladies and gentlemen?
09:12Although we can take the next half hour to try.
09:14Now, the questions are going to focus
09:16on both of your very different worlds.
09:18Although when you think about it,
09:19they are totally different.
09:20Here are five questions written for each team.
09:23If you answer a question in your category,
09:25well, snickerdy-dicker, you get $200.
09:28If you answer a question from the other team's category,
09:30you get $400.
09:31A wrong answer will cost you $200.
09:33This is a timed round, so there is tragedy involved.
09:37It's a tie, so since the runners chose first
09:40in the last round,
09:41the bowlers will lead off in this round.
09:44You can pick from your side of the board,
09:46or you may nip over to the marathon runner's side
09:48and snooch from theirs.
09:50Your choice is am.
09:51It's all in the way he fingers his balls, or...
09:56Whoa!
09:57That had the word balls and finger in it.
10:01And...
10:02And it doesn't get gooder.
10:04The complete book of running, stumbling,
10:06and gasping for air.
10:08Ian, your name tag is blocking
10:10what we think is monogrammed.
10:13Will you choose?
10:14We're going to go,
10:15it's all in the way he fingers his balls.
10:17Well chosen, here we go.
10:19Who is the only bowler to win
10:21the PBA National Championship
10:23three years in a row?
10:25Foote.
10:26Earl Anthony.
10:27Yes!
10:28Oh, dude!
10:30Foote.
10:33Oh, man, did Foote smoke you on that one?
10:36Okay, new category.
10:38I can't believe Amish'd that one,
10:41and we can't.
10:42It's your choice, Foote.
10:43I'm going to go with the complete book
10:44of running, stumbling, and gasping for air.
10:46Staying on the track,
10:48in 1984,
10:50what running guru,
10:51an author of the complete book of running,
10:54dropped dead of a heart attack
10:56at the age of 52?
10:58Tyson.
10:59Jim Fix.
11:00Is correct.
11:01All right, new category,
11:08which is hamstrings across America.
11:11Tyson, your choice, babe.
11:12I'm staying with the hamstrings across America.
11:14Here we go, listen up,
11:15everyone in.
11:16What fictional movie character
11:18decided one day to run clear
11:20across Greensboro County,
11:22and didn't stop running for three years?
11:25Tony.
11:26Forrest Gump.
11:27Is correct.
11:28That's Foote.
11:31Got you, man, that's right.
11:33They coached you like an egg on that one.
11:36New category, fake the A train.
11:38Tony, it's your choice.
11:42I'll stay with I can't.
11:43We'll go to I can't believe Amish'd that one.
11:45All right, staying at home, here we go.
11:47What 1996 film stars Randy Quaid
11:50as an Amish bowler?
11:51Tony.
11:52Kingpin.
11:53Kingpin.
11:57New category, which is
11:59if there's grass on the field,
12:01play ball.
12:02Tony, it's still up to you.
12:04Are you gonna pick up the spare?
12:08We're gonna go for fake the A train.
12:09Oh, yeah.
12:11Moving over, here we go.
12:13What infamous woman took a subway
12:15to win the New York Marathon in 1979,
12:18and cheated again the following year
12:19to win in Boston?
12:21Tyson.
12:22Rosie Ruiz.
12:23Is correct, that's right.
12:25Taking it back, we are still tied,
12:27and there are less than two minutes left in this round.
12:30Marathon runners, new category,
12:31after swimming and biking,
12:33I always end up with the runs.
12:35Tyson, you prevail.
12:36I'm gonna stick with after swimming and biking,
12:38I always end up with the runs.
12:39Here we go.
12:40In 1978, what now famous triathlon
12:44was created to settle an argument
12:46as to who was more fit,
12:47runners or swimmers?
12:49Tyson.
12:50Ironman triathlon.
12:51Is correct.
12:53The bowlers knew that one, man.
12:55New category, try our new marathon chicken.
12:58It's cooked in ancient Greece.
13:00Tyson, you're still raging.
13:01Staying at home.
13:02Here we go.
13:03Last one in your category.
13:05The term marathon comes from ancient Greece,
13:08where the runner Pheidippides
13:10carried news of a victory from marathon
13:12to what other city?
13:14Foot.
13:15Athens.
13:16Athens is correct.
13:17The first marathon runner.
13:22And then he dropped dead.
13:24Historical fact.
13:25There's nothing left in marathon runners category.
13:27There is one minute left in this round.
13:30It's all bowlers.
13:31Traced back to Rome at the time of Caesar,
13:33what game is an Italian form of lawn bowling?
13:37Tyson.
13:38Bocce.
13:39Is correct.
13:40Bocce.
13:41New category, raging on.
13:43Bowlers that go both ways.
13:45You're still in it.
13:46Here we go.
13:47What New York City borough is also a bowling term,
13:50which means hitting the head pin
13:51on the opposite side of your throwing hand?
13:55David.
13:56Brooklyn.
13:57Brooklyn is correct.
14:00And there's 30 seconds left.
14:02When you hammer on the button, it locks you out.
14:05That's how it works.
14:06You got to wait till the last syllable is spoken.
14:08One question left.
14:09New category, the pain of passing a Flintstone.
14:12Down at the bedrock bowl,
14:13what was Fred Flintstone's bowling nickname?
14:18And a silence descends.
14:19Ian.
14:20Twinkle toe.
14:21Is right back on the board.
14:23Raging back to the last one.
14:25At the end of round two, 2400 marathon, 1200 bowlers.
14:30When we come back, the sporting will continue.
14:33Stay where you are.
14:35Welcome back to Versus.
14:58I'm Thucydides.
14:59With the history of the Peloponnesian War,
15:01this is how it ends.
15:03The runners are leading the bowlers.
15:05The winners keep the money.
15:07The losers go home desolate.
15:09But they have stuff to put in their back seat.
15:11Explain what it is, Joe.
15:12Well, each loser will receive
15:14a VTech 900 megahertz cordless telephone
15:17with two line capability
15:19and alphanumeric call waiting caller ID.
15:21Performance and technology that you can clearly hear
15:24from VTech, the company that reinvented the telephone.
15:27Oh, right.
15:28They reinvented it.
15:29And who invented it originally, Joe?
15:32Time's up. Okay.
15:34Alexander Graham Bell, loser.
15:36I knew that. I knew that.
15:37You don't even get the phone now, man.
15:39Watson, come here. You're needed.
15:41All right.
15:42Each of you will get three questions, and that's it.
15:46Ring in as soon as you think you know what the answer is.
15:49If you get it right, 250 clams.
15:51If you get it wrong, we take away 250.
15:54All of the questions in this round
15:56may be answered by one of these three choices.
15:59Pin setters, pace setters, or Irish setters.
16:05Okay?
16:06This game is very tight still.
16:08Everybody cool? Everybody shmool?
16:11Let's play versus.
16:12Their goal is to average five minutes per mile.
16:16Runner.
16:17Pace setters.
16:18Correct.
16:19They were originally colored white and red,
16:20but now...
16:21Bowler.
16:23Pin setters.
16:24No.
16:25I'm finished the question,
16:26but now they're mostly all red.
16:28Irish setters.
16:29Irish setters.
16:30Richard Nixon named his King Timoho.
16:33Bowler.
16:34His Irish setter.
16:36That is correct.
16:37That's how it works.
16:38Rolling on, gentlemen.
16:40Rolling on.
16:43Here we go.
16:44Professionally...
16:45Okay.
16:46Professionally, they're known as rabbits.
16:49Runner.
16:50Pace setters.
16:51Yes.
16:52In 1957...
16:53Excuse me. I'll start that again.
16:54A 1957 competition marked the first time
16:57an automatic...
16:58Bowler.
16:59Pin setters.
17:00Pin setters.
17:01Their first documented existence
17:02can be traced back to over 5,000 years ago in Egypt.
17:06Bowler.
17:07Pin setters.
17:08Pin setters is how it works.
17:09That's how you do it.
17:10Well done, gentlemen.
17:12Raging on.
17:13This is for the money.
17:16Here we go.
17:17Alleys are dangerous places for them to run
17:19since they're...
17:20Bowler.
17:21Pace setters.
17:22Pace setters.
17:23Sean Penn played one in the 1984 movie
17:25Racing...
17:26Runner.
17:27Pin setter.
17:28Pin setter.
17:29It's easy to pick up a spare one
17:30if you call your local
17:31AKC-affiliated breeder.
17:33Bowler.
17:34Irish setters.
17:35Irish setters is correct.
17:37All the runners take it at the end.
17:39Very good.
17:40$500 to the winner,
17:42which means the Bowlers
17:44win the game.
17:47But everyone's a winner, baby.
17:48That's the truth.
17:49Come on down, fellas.
17:51That one was a barn burner.
17:53Don't go anywhere
17:54because when we come back,
17:55we'll see just how smart
17:57the marathon runners think they are.
17:59Stay where you are.
18:00♪♪♪
18:09♪♪♪
18:17Welcome back.
18:18Is it safe?
18:19Yes, it is.
18:20The marathon runners are the winners,
18:21ladies and gentlemen.
18:23No shot.
18:27And to the victors goes the spoils,
18:29but remember what the Romans said.
18:31Fame is fleeting.
18:33Foot, you seem to have a hardcore following
18:35in this crowd here today.
18:41Are you running locally?
18:42Can we catch you running?
18:44You can catch me on San Vicente
18:45every afternoon.
18:46All right.
18:47Yeah.
18:49You can catch me at San Vincente
18:50at the Fat Burger
18:52from the Nico Hotel,
18:53ladies and gentlemen.
18:55Okay.
18:56Bowlers, how are you guys holding up?
18:58Yeah.
18:59We're good.
19:00Wrong man.
19:01Crushing disappointment.
19:03Bitterness and pain.
19:05And yet you can look forward
19:06to ice cream sundaes
19:07and cheeseburgers
19:08as often as you like.
19:10You don't got to train.
19:12Just keep the wrist limber, dude.
19:14All right.
19:15You have won a total
19:16of 3,400 drachmas,
19:18which is yours to keep.
19:20Now we're going to see
19:21if you can't win some more cash.
19:23It's time for the grand finale.
19:26I will ask you one question.
19:27If you answer it correctly,
19:28you will get the thousand.
19:30If you get it wrong,
19:31the bowlers will have one last chance
19:33to swoop in and bite your style.
19:35Here are the two subjects
19:36you can choose from.
19:38Advances in molecular biology
19:40or Olympic marathons.
19:44All right, gentlemen,
19:45what's it going to be?
19:46David?
19:47We'll go with Olympic marathons.
19:48Well chosen.
19:50Because I can tell you
19:51this molecular biology question,
19:53and they'll cut this out,
19:55is a mother----.
20:04All right, well chosen, David.
20:06You have ten seconds to confer,
20:08then give me the answer.
20:09Here is the question.
20:11Who was the last American
20:13to win the men's Olympic marathon?
20:17You have ten seconds.
20:18I will be back.
20:22I know you're sitting at home
20:23trying to remember
20:25the last time the Olympics
20:26weren't interrupted every two seconds.
20:31God, I think I'm falling in love with you.
20:32All right, it's time for your answer.
20:37David, what is it?
20:38Frank Shorter.
20:39Is correct.
20:40They've got $3,400.
20:44Well done, gentlemen.
20:46Come on down, runners.
20:48The last one was a 3-0.
20:53Come back next time
20:54when runner-on-runner guys
20:55take on people
20:56in the runner-attraction section.
20:58I don't know what that means.
21:01$3,400.
21:06The marathon runners
21:07will also receive
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21:17From Inesco home gallery.
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21:54Don't miss Comedy Central's
21:55premiere week.
21:56It begins Monday at 10
21:58and features all new episodes
21:59of Strangers with Candy,
22:01Upright Citizens Brigade,
22:02and Dr. Katz.
22:04Up next,
22:05it's The Daily Show
22:06with Jon Stewart.
22:14I'm back.