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00:00You
00:25All right, all right, all right, I'm going to empty it all right
00:30I
00:35Can't do everything at once can you goodness sake it isn't my fault. It's always full
00:42Good evening. I'm sorry you here already. Oh, you weren't supposed to put you switch on from it switch off for a moment
00:48No, well, oh, it doesn't matter now. This is very embarrassing, isn't it? Well, you've seen it now
00:52So does but it makes a difference. Oh, the thing is is I try to do these chores
00:56You know when nobody else is about because I may be only a slave but I had my pride naturally, you know
01:02And after all that, you know, you won't believe this. I
01:05Have to empty this 10 15 20 times a day
01:10Believe me. It's all go go go
01:15Well, there it is, I think it's all this great bashing they do you see
01:19So I suppose it's better than spitting the pips all over the floor
01:27I'll just enter these out now
01:33Mr. Few pips now greeting citizens our story this week
01:45Right in the middle of the prologue
01:48All that could be nasty. I've been ruined
01:51Our story this week concerns those legendary twins
01:55Romulus and Remus who lost their parents shortly after birth
02:00They're very careless of them, of course
02:02But of course in those days in Rome, it was very easy to lose anything as their mother found out
02:10Thank you don't doze off
02:14One day shortly after they came to puberty
02:18Which is a small town north of Rome
02:25The place where they fought the pubic wars
02:37Yes, they had a strange
02:40Visitation they were standing outside the pubic library
02:45Look you don't like corn. I said switch off
03:05That's about all she does bear these days in public I mean, I don't think she's got much left to show
03:14She wouldn't keep doing that my stomach goes over
03:18She's got a ball out now
03:21There'll be no holding her now look into the future
03:25Her picture is forming. Yes. I can't quite make it out. It's fuzzy. Well, perhaps you want a new tube dear
03:32It's clearing the clouds are blowing away. Yes. Well, thank you for the weather forecast
03:38I see a man and a woman in twine
03:45Oh, yes, oh they are entwined aren't they? Yes. This is like one of those machines what the soothsayer saw
03:55Yes, well they won't find the way they're looking I must say
04:04Yes, they are entwined aren't they it's difficult to tell who ownest what and with a ghost it
04:11You should see you should see what's going on here. No, perhaps you should know a virtuous. No do some knitting or something
04:19Man comes into the picture. It's going to be an orgy
04:23He's getting something out
04:28Oh, yes, oh
04:31It's no women it's worth another ooh that and a big Oh as well
04:37And a big Oh as well
04:45Yes, it must be it's encrusted with precious jewels it must be
04:55Where where where too late the pictures fading it's gone. Oh, whatever mind here
05:01Look, you go home and try another channel off you go
05:04Oh
05:09She's wasting her time with that I tell you well, it's a dead loss those here are now the wise words of plotters
05:16It is a well-known fact that the Romans saw no future in crystal balls. Oh
05:23Trust him to stick his oar in big head. Well now the prologue
05:29As I was saying
05:32Romulus and Remus was standing there and all of a sudden
05:36Pegasus this flying horse flew by and not only was it unusual for flying but it talked
05:44And it said oh
05:48So they said who are you he said I am Pegasus so they said what do you want?
05:52Well, he said this horse. I'm saying this horse said I have a beautiful golden bridle
05:57Some spurs and some reins, but I haven't got a bit now
06:04My life. That's what it's
06:08It said I want a bit
06:19She never misses an opportunity that woman
06:22Mistress oh, it's only you lurk here my slave. What are you shouting for in that ridiculous manner?
06:28Oh, I was just doing the prologue mistress. Oh, that'll have to wait. I'm in a hurry
06:32Come up and help me get dressed
06:37Disgusting I mean I have the big girl like her get dressed. Well, she's got no modesty
06:42You know as a matter of fact round here. They call her the Eclipse
06:47Because everybody's seen it one time or the other
06:51Not through dark glasses I
07:00Mistress lucky. I was just wondering whether my body needed oiling. Oh, I don't think so mistress
07:06It's hardly still long enough to get rusty
07:13Yes mistress well on my back oh, yes, that's nice
07:21Oh, yes, lower lower
07:27Yes, lucky I have a problem much more this I shall have one as well
07:33Just heard from an old but spurned admirer a senator lecturers of threes. Oh, I know the threes that launched a thousand hips
07:43It's not funny like you. I know I know it wasn't do I told the producer rehearsal?
07:48You see didn't do it
07:50He won't be told he's a big head won't be told
07:54Informed me he intends to arrive here today, and if I do not pander to his desires he will say
08:00pander to his desires
08:02Pander to his desires. He will slay both me and my husband and then do away with himself
08:08Oh, ah, you see that's what that witch was talking about death in triplicate
08:13Because that witch wasn't here just because he's a pretty face, you know no she's part of the plot you see
08:19Mistress the solution is simple now
08:22Why don't you give this lecherous a whimsy of pander and Robert it is your uncle, but I detest lecherous
08:29And I do not want to pander. Oh oh
08:32No, I'm afraid like oh, it's all up to you me
08:35Oh, I wouldn't know how to begin to pander to him the mistress
08:39I want you to get rid of him get rid of him. Yes, it won't be difficult. I have a poisonous arse
08:54Yes here it is it's from an old admirer from Egypt
09:00All you have to do is put that in a room with him alone
09:03It will knock him unconscious, and then you can get rid of him get rid of him
09:08These Roman women will stop at nothing. She's ruthless ruthless
09:13entirely without Ruth
09:18Especially with an ass in a grass
09:25Go out for the day and amuse myself
09:28I can always find someone to amuse myself will help me on with my undertow
09:34Mistress mistress, please behind the screen if you will please very well
09:46Honestly the things a slave has to do who would who would want my job
09:56What do you think this is the Wednesday play
10:03This is my father's house come rest here a while sweet gentlemaid
10:11Do not be afraid daily I nauseous mean, you know, huh?
10:20Nay nay, I'm your devoted adoring slave and I kneel humbly at your beautiful feet
10:27Oh
10:30Well
10:32Well, I've fulfilled my mistress's desires
10:36Wait a minute. She's dressed and gone now. Thank goodness. Not that goodness has much to do with it
10:42Where were we? Oh, yes the prologue
10:45Now this horse Pegasus lifted up its head and said nay nay nay
10:53No, it did not would you mind not interrupting please
10:57This horse piccolo
11:00What's he up to nay nay do not move away from me. I want to kiss every little toe
11:10Now that that is nauseous the son of my master will leave so his mistress told him at the time
11:18What's he doing to whom is he giving a pedicure?
11:23Yes
11:24She looks quite a nice piece of petulum
11:28Petulum that's Latin for a sort of hot round toasted thing. We all have a teeter
11:40It's all holes on one side and very flat
11:45No, I don't think she's really like a piece of petulum to you
11:49Greetings young master. What's a foot? Why 12 inches luckier?
11:56For Vinci's like all the best lines, you know, it's not right
12:04Yes, and there's so much of her
12:08Both ways
12:11Venus incarnate Venus all she must be the one who makes the pencils
12:18They call me daily. Yeah, it's a nightly to us
12:25Yes, master see I have inscribed an ode to her already I thought you might hmm his ode
12:34Behold her beauty fine as gold as great as Rome's fair cities
12:45Get ready
12:48Greater by far and joy to behold is the greatness of her intellect
13:02The sender of the first correct solution
13:06Will receive two free tickets to our spectacle
13:11You will find it hard to credit this but I find this frail and innocent creature in desperate straits
13:16Yeah, she looks as if she'd been on the straits
13:19I must say so desperate with all that she was preparing to sell herself to the highest bidder. Oh, dear
13:24What's he talking about? I was just standing there minding me own business
13:28Yes, I think he was talking about your business deal
13:32Thanks use. I met her in time to prevent it. Yeah, thank you. We must do something to help her
13:36All right. What do you suggest young master? Well, that's the trouble. I'm at a loss
13:39Yeah, I don't know what to do with her. The funny thing is he doesn't die
13:44Not to close a funny boy strange boy, I
13:48Think it's these public schools, you know, they close to the music. Thank you
13:52Perhaps my father would give her a job in the house. Well, you'll give her something. That's for sure
13:58Hi me immediately to the Senate and ask him. That's right. Hi you immediately because it's a good hire. That's all he does
14:04You take her inside. No, you take her inside. I rather have her outsides
14:09Inside. Yeah, don't bother don't bother
14:13I don't want a household job. He's out of his tiny mind. No, no, madam. Show a little respect
14:19That is a nauseous nauseous and he is the son of one of Pompey's most esteemed and wealthiest Senators
14:26Yes. Oh, well, that's different
14:28What sort of job would it be then? Well, this may be a silly question, but what can you do?
14:35Our follow is a silly question
14:38Look let's discuss this inside. Let us go inside the house together. That's right. Get not you
14:44But will you stop following me about please you can get arrested for this sort of thing. Don't worry
14:50I'll tell you what goes on when I come back again. So don't behave yourself for goodness sake
14:54Thank
15:07You my dear that was a very nice watch. Thank you
15:14This is for you
15:17It is just arrived by messenger from Rome
15:21by Jupiter
15:23Caesar's stamp first class moreover
15:28No, no, I say listen to thisropolis a
15:31Ludicrous Sextus my dearest friend and confident senator Stovus Primus arrives in Pompey today
15:39I charge you to offer him the hospitality of your house and to treat him. Well yours truly Julie
15:46Oh, this is indeed a great honor. Yes. Yes
15:50I must return home at once in case he arrived before I get there. Do I look presentable?
15:55Oh, yes, I must look my best for the senator. Oh, yes
15:59Dear dear. I'm so excited. Oh, I think I'd better have another quick wash
16:12Well, I'm sorry I kept you waiting but at least I found out what she can do I mean I've no limit
16:18I mean I found out I looked at her capabilities. I
16:22Got to the bottom of the what?
16:25the prologue
16:27This horse Pecosus lift up its head and said hey you there. Yes. No, he didn't. Hey you
16:35Me sir. Yes you with a big quiff. Oh, yeah
16:42I can see this is gonna be the start of a beautiful friendship
16:45Is this the house of ludicrous sectors, yes, sir
16:48But I'm afraid the master is out at present or no matter his wife is expecting me word has been sent to my coming
16:53Oh, yes. Yes. This must be the mistress is unwanted lover. You see you couldn't no wonder look at it. Look
17:02Look at that stomach
17:03Not so much. I'm wantable is unusable
17:08Stand there that stupid expression on your face your bog face Nini
17:11bog face
17:15Faced I know look a bit vacant sometimes
17:22Common as mucky tonight this
17:25Yodels in I think I tell you one thing. I shall rather enjoy asping him
17:35But I tell you what I tell you why cuz I have bore rudeness I have whore rudeness do I do I have whore rudeness
17:41Isn't that lovely word to pour at all? Oh, I use that a lot. Oh, I poor it's a lovely word. I
17:47Could I could use that all night gone
17:50Or higher
17:53One for the road
17:57Stir yourself your missile and take me to your mistress. Very well, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Three box full
18:04She'll never forgive him for that
18:06Very well, sir, if you go inside what does your mistress receive your guests in the cellar? Yes, sir
18:11You see that's where she keeps the brass tacks and she likes getting down to them. So if you would like to go in
18:22Mist
18:27Where's me ass I always keep it at the back
18:37Feeding time mind the stairs
18:44Yeah, you're going the wrong way that's the wrong way
18:57That wild spirit
18:59Oh
19:16Nasty moment that was because I'm allergic to asps, you know
19:21I'm not say I am they bring me out in lumps
19:25No, don't laugh. It's wicked to mock the afflicted
19:28As listen listen a minute as a matter of fact, there's a medical term for that it's called aspergillus
19:37Or my sister has it often on the sideboard
19:51I'm just doing the prologue
19:53Time for that almost exciting news lurk you're most exciting. Why what's a foot? It's the thing that joins your ankle to your toes
20:04I'm expecting a very important visit a very important indeed. Yes. He has Caesar's ear
20:11Have you seen him? No, sir, but he should be easy to recognize with three years
20:18Caesar's ear
20:21I
20:22Think it's easy getting really senile. He is silly old fool
20:26Honestly, you can only think of one thing at a time and if there's none of that around is that it I?
20:32Can't see anyone. I do wish you'd stop interrupting me lucky. Oh, no. No, where was I?
20:37There's an important visitor coming who has Caesar's ear
20:46It was probably the chap I was going to tell you about
20:50Look, well, he's not coming. He hasn't arrived yet. Oh good
20:54Well, I just nip down to the terminus and meet him
20:57But if he should arrive while I'm gone look after him well lurky. Oh, this could mean big things for me
21:03Oh, yes. Yes master. Listen talking of big things
21:06Your son Norse has put a young girl home tonight and she wants a job
21:11No, no, I can't be bothered with anything like a girl. Did you say I guess?
21:18Young and attractive
21:30And and a prone to indulge in the arts of Venus, I suppose I should say she was always prone
21:43And with that he cut it off
21:47Poor old devil, he couldn't deal a pack of cards. He's only got his memory to keep him going
21:52Nevermind now
21:56No, I hear a horse approaching the next
22:01Guy if I didn't know better I would swear that was someone knocking two coconut shells together
22:08Whoa, that's enough. Oh
22:11Well, well, well now it stopped it stopped
22:17Oh
22:20Listen listen, the soil around here is very poor
22:24You'd be surprised what a difference a load of coconut shell droppings to make
22:30Yeah, now the wise words of tortoise
22:33It is a well-known fact that the men of Pompeii were famed for the size of their rhubarb
22:39Ammonia ammonia, it is I nitrous. It's no use trying to avoid me. You know, I mean to have my way
22:48Very well, then
23:00Ah
23:03I
23:08Thought was someone else I should think so
23:11You're the senator. Oh, yes. Yes. Yes. That's right. Oh, that's all right. Then. Sorry. I screamed
23:23Just in time
23:25Honestly that just the rush the rush you think it was gold dust
23:30Well, I wouldn't understand a chit-chatting that likes you I must do my chores
23:46What a funny hole she's got him in hello, I recognize that face
23:51Oh
23:53Get off from above him
23:55What are you doing a big girl like you attacking a strange little man like him now get back to your work?
24:00What good anything to do what you can't have finished laying that mosaic floor already
24:06Anyway, I was only trying to be nice to the senator
24:12The Senate the senator who this must be the one with Caesars Lego
24:18I
24:20Sir I'm lucky. Oh the slave of the household. I'm sorry. I didn't recognize you before
24:25They will never mind about all that you go and tell your mistress that let your us Maximus is here. Yes, sir
24:31Let's risk Maximus sir. Yes. Yes from phrase. Yes. Yes. Yes. Oh dear
24:37Lexa is maximum from phrase. Yes. Yes. Yes, but who's the one with the ass?
24:44Something tells me I've got everything asked about phrase
24:47I
24:54Hope I hope it's not too late
25:04I'll suck it out. Where's it bite you?
25:17Oh
25:23Mr. McGinnis clumsy
25:27At the terminus they told me that a senator from Rome had arrived an hour ago, yes
25:33Well, it's ah, well, yeah, I can't think of anything else to say
25:37Are you sure he hasn't arrived? Yes, sir. Well, yes, I am. You must be here somewhere
25:43I'm gonna be careful. So don't go in there
25:47My dear senator forgive me for not being here to welcome you what who you sir? Why?
25:55Ludicrous sexness at your service senator. Oh
25:59Lucky. Oh, I told you the senator had arrived bring wine and food immediately wine and food. So yes
26:05Yes, sir. Oh, of course, you see
26:08My master is mistaken this one from Rome. You see he thinks it's the one from Rome
26:12Well, you have realized that haven't you? Otherwise the next 10 minutes gonna seem awfully boring
26:17How did you know that I was here? I was warned of your coming you were
26:24Why should she tell her husband? Yes. Yes. I've been expecting you
26:29Where are you told the purpose of my visit? Oh, well, no, but whatever it is, you can count on my wholehearted
26:37Cooperation can I believe my ears?
26:41Should I tell my master of his mistake? Oh, no, why bother things can't get any worse can they?
26:47Otherwise that you serve the senator. Oh, no. No, really. I don't feel like anything just now
26:52No, no. No, you must be tired after your journey. You better go up to bed and rest. Oh, he's not staying
26:57Is he sir? Well, of course, he is lurking what you think he came for
27:02I'm putting you in my wife's room. Yeah, but what?
27:07Who said things can get any worse
27:10Oh
27:15Nonsense, I'm sure my wife wouldn't mind. In fact, she'd be the first to suggest it. Oh, I I wouldn't bet on that, sir
27:22You'll find ammonia very hospitable as she enjoys company and she hasn't had any for some time
27:30Oh, I wouldn't bet on that either
27:33No, you must meet us straight away, where's the mistress well, well, she's out master. Oh pity pity
27:40Well, never mind. I'll show you to your room. Oh
27:46Oh, this is the girl I was telling you about your son Noah's has brought home with him the girl with the big prospects
27:56She will look after you senator until my wife
28:02Well, I've heard of hospitality, but this is ridiculous
28:06Marvellous. I nothing happens around here for weeks on end and as soon as soon as I start in the prologue everything goes all to pot
28:18Thanks, this is not the right
28:32Go in here
28:41That's funny I've worked in this house for ten years and there's a first time me I knew those on the way down to the
28:47cellar
28:49What news has lecturers been
28:52Well, no. Yes, I'm gone. Good. Then. She's had to be asked. Yeah. Well now the ass
28:58Well
29:02Well to be truthful madam, I wouldn't be surprised if he wasn't having it right now
29:13Splendid news the senator is here. What where waiting in your room? What mistress if you don't mind
29:20I'll go and finish the prologue you stay where you are waiting in my room. I don't know what you're talking about
29:26Oh, well, my dear, of course, you don't know. Well, well, my dear. We have the honor of entertaining
29:33Caesar's right-hand man senator Stobus Primus
29:39Yes, and I thought he ought to have the best room you don't mind my dear do you know, of course not
29:44I'll go up at once reassure him mistress. I wouldn't do that if I were you and I'll have further words with you later
29:50Look here
29:53Oh, oh get ready for it
29:59Bingo
30:04Jupiter what's she doing her not master?
30:07And there you have it all the successful ingredients for a big winner
30:21Big show business winner sex and violence. All we need now is a bit of the kinky stuff
30:28And here it is
30:31Why what's a foot? Oh now he asked
30:35We've got out all the funny answers
30:40Out of my way take your hands off my daily
30:52We've done that gag yes, we've done that gag as well
30:56Oh
31:02It's so crowded here keep going so I get back to Falls or to submission
31:14Come on
31:26Oh
31:32Ammonia do you realize who that was? Of course I do. It was that pig from three lecturers Maximus lecturers Maximus
31:39What of Stobus Primus then?
31:48What has happened Primus Stobus has gone out
31:56Oh
32:03Oh, how could this dreadful thing have happened? Well, you see I had me arse in the prologue
32:10I must speak with you a special messengers just arrived from Caesar
32:15He has discovered that Stobus Primus was plotting against his life and hopes to enlist your support
32:21What I would never side against Caesar
32:25Precisely as soon as this villain broke the subject to my master. Why see what happened?
32:30You turned on him didn't you master? You see did I what course you do don't tell your own party
32:37You thwarted him look at him and you were victorious. Oh
32:41Well done. I will send word to Caesar at once and you will be rewarded for your loyalty
32:49Haha, well done sir, and so you should be
32:57I'll explain it all later when we finish the prologue later
33:06What a day what a day off the moment there I was flummoxed I really was my flam has never been so oxed
33:15Now where were we oh, yes the prologue
33:18So this horse lifted its head up and said
33:24She never gives up does she
33:31Well, she's quite right the end is here yes, we are short of tempest
33:35I'm very sorry ladies and gentlemen, that means we shall have to finish this story next week. No man will finish next week and so
33:42in the immortal words of Caesar
33:45Before he began the second invasion of Britain same time same channel
33:52salute
34:14You