Recorded one night at the Albert Theatre in March 1994, when Eddie Izzard was playing a limited seven week sold-out run | dG1fYVJxR2xWMXZ6cU0
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Now, the washing area, washing powder, washing clothes, laundry, all that kind of stuff,
00:05that's a very advertising-led area, where there's a huge amount of advertising saying,
00:08wash your clothes, wash your clothes, or no one will shag you.
00:13And I think if there wasn't all the advertising, we probably wouldn't,
00:16why don't we just spray our clothes again?
00:18Oh, that smells like a malice spray.
00:21And it's quite a ceremony.
00:22Washing your clothes, you can take it down the laundrette, that's one way,
00:25you get a bag, usually three months' worth of washing into a huge bag,
00:29and drag it down the laundrette.
00:31Wearing clothes that should be in the bag, really, yeah?
00:35That's what you wear to the laundrette, that's why you've gone to the laundrette,
00:38because you've got nothing left.
00:40You're wearing dressing gowns to work and stuff like that.
00:43So, and then you throw it in the wash, and you've got big machines down the laundrette,
00:46huge machines with big porthole windows, and you shove it all in,
00:49never separate out at the laundrette, shove it all in.
00:52And you've got one choice, bizarre wash, that's what you do.
00:57You just have to sacrifice a few socks and a pair of pants to the god of laundrettes,
01:02who lives at the back of machines with chopsticks.
01:04Oh, lovely, yes.
01:07Sock, lovely, a bit of fabric softener, in it goes.
01:11And you take the washing out, shove it into a tumble dryer,
01:13and the tumble dryer glues it together with static electricity,
01:17so that you get the washing out, put it on your head, and walk out.
01:21Next day, you put on a pair of socks, and the rest of the washing says,
01:23we're coming too, we're coming.
01:25You piss off.
01:27Oh, you're just wearing these.
01:29No, static.
01:32All day, you're trying to chat something up.
01:33Yeah, no, I've been.
01:34You piss off.
01:37Sorry, I don't know whose it is.
01:38It's Stray, Stray Washing.
01:41Yeah.
01:42Look, fabric softener.
01:47Or you can wash your clothes at home.
01:48And at home, in people's flats and houses,
01:50they have a machine with a huge dial with all the letters of the alphabet on it.
01:55And no instructions.
01:58You've just got to guess.
01:59You say, well, I'll have an H wash, we'll have an H wash.
02:01That's our fun, and you stuff it all in.
02:04And you invariably get the stuff going, and a pair of socks come in.
02:07Sorry we're late, sorry.
02:12Lying in the dust, the dust at the back where you left it.
02:15Oh, has the program started?
02:21And then you let the socks back into the washing.
02:23And the socks go, excuse me, sorry, pardon me.
02:26We're supposed to be in, we've got tickets.
02:29Or you do a white clothing wash.
02:31You say, I will wash all my white clothes.
02:32And you shove all your whites down in a big pile.
02:34And you put some clothes in there which are almost white, which you shove in.
02:37And then you take them out and put them to one side.
02:40And you say, actually, that'll be fine.
02:45I've washed it a few times now.
02:47For a couple of days, you just go backwards and forwards.
02:51And then you shove it all in.
02:53And the rest of the deeper colored clothes, oh, he's doing a white wash first.
02:56That pisses me off.
02:59Okay, blue underpants, you will infiltrate white wash.
03:05You are our best undercover clothing.
03:09I'm going to hand you some forged papers.
03:10You will be disguised as a white handkerchief, okay?
03:15This has been done up by Donald Pleasant, so it should be good.
03:18I believe you've been practicing a white handkerchief accent.
03:20Yes, I have, yes, I have.
03:22Very good.
03:23Now off you go.
03:24Blue underpants.
03:27Sneaks inside the white wash.
03:28Usually inside a shirt.
03:30Shirts are a bit dopey, aren't they?
03:33All gets in, and white wash goes in.
03:37And as soon as the clothing starts going around the wash,
03:39blue underpants comes up the window and goes,
03:41Hello!
03:43Hello.
03:45Blue pants, yeah?
03:47Blue pants in the white wash.
03:48Get the blue pants out.
03:50In that emergency break glass.
03:51Smash glass with that.
03:53The blue pants go, I'm draining, I'm draining.
03:57And if all your clothes are in the white wash,
04:00And if all your clothes came out of vibrant blue,
04:02it would be fine, wouldn't it?
04:03But your clothes tend to come out of colour that's called
04:05pants left in wash.
04:10And people know.
04:11And they point and they go, yeah, yeah.
04:13And then they stab you.
04:18Apparently sometimes, you know.