18+ Half Magic 2018 English Movie

Xenata TV HD

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Transcript

00:00:00Danny, don't flush me.

00:00:21Stop, I'm getting wet.

00:00:24That's the idea.

00:00:25Stop it.

00:00:29Hi, sweetie.

00:00:30Oh, come on.

00:00:32Come on, let's go back to my place.

00:00:33Maybe we should wait.

00:00:35Wait, smite.

00:00:39These two people are not married, and they're going to have premarital sex.

00:00:42You could go to hell for that.

00:00:44All right, that's it.

00:00:45You're not allowed to watch this show anymore.

00:00:47It inspires urges that are wrong and bad.

00:00:52Okay, let's go to your place.

00:00:53Groovy.

00:00:54You could go to hell for those urges.

00:01:00In hell, there is a fire that will laugh at you for all eternity.

00:01:06You got to decide.

00:01:09Do you want to go to heaven, or do you want to go to hell?

00:01:17Yeah.

00:01:18You're a bad girl, huh?

00:01:20You're a bad girl?

00:01:21I'm a bad girl.

00:01:22Yeah.

00:01:23You're a dirty little slut, huh?

00:01:24Dirty little slut.

00:01:25Um, yes.

00:01:26Say it.

00:01:27Say you're a dirty slut.

00:01:28I'm a dirty slut.

00:01:29Yeah, you're a dirty slut.

00:01:30Why do you always call me a dirty little slut?

00:01:56Come on.

00:01:57You love it.

00:01:58You love it.

00:01:59I like having sex on a bed.

00:02:01Is this because maybe you're jealous that I'm more successful than you?

00:02:05Mr. Brock, we're ready for you on stage.

00:02:07Peter, you have been in one great movie after another.

00:02:10Walk me through your process.

00:02:12How do you prepare for this?

00:02:14I'll tell you, I play a lot of action heroes.

00:02:17And in those movies, I have heavy artillery, I have guns.

00:02:21Okay?

00:02:23I have a gun on me right now.

00:02:27Not physically in the physical sense.

00:02:29If I put it on the table earlier, it's right here.

00:02:31Imagine it, okay?

00:02:33It's an emotional gun for me.

00:02:35This gun's here all the time.

00:02:38Sometimes I put it in my pocket, sometimes I put it in my...

00:02:41That's how I prepare.

00:02:42I'm always ready, I'm always the action hero.

00:02:44Bang! Not real.

00:02:45But real.

00:02:47I'll do it.

00:02:49Don't do it.

00:02:50I won't do it.

00:02:52You've been doing this for years and years and years.

00:02:54I know you've heard some of the talk on the streets.

00:02:56People say that Peter is just a tough guy, a hard guy to work with.

00:03:00How do you respond to that?

00:03:02Napoleon died exiled on an island of leprosy.

00:03:05That's true.

00:03:06That's history.

00:03:07Jesus died on the cross, you know?

00:03:11Visionaries die sometimes quicker than non-visionaries.

00:03:15You're a visionary?

00:03:16Thank you.

00:03:17But I'm not saying...

00:03:18Well, you're asking.

00:03:19I think that's up for the press to decide.

00:03:21I think that bloggers and people who write physical magazines have said I was a visionary.

00:03:25People have tweeted me about that.

00:03:27You made Bros Before Hoes.

00:03:28Why don't you make the female version?

00:03:30I wrote a great script.

00:03:31It's called Chicks Before Dicks.

00:03:32Did you read it?

00:03:33Boo-boo, you have all the time.

00:03:34You really do.

00:03:35And I'm the one that discovered you and gave you a big break, right?

00:03:37Yeah.

00:03:38Yeah, I promoted you to be my D-girl, right?

00:03:39I want to be a writer.

00:03:40I know you want to be a writer.

00:03:41And in due time, really.

00:03:42Your writing is great.

00:03:43It's fresh and very unique.

00:03:44But you're bogging yourself down talking about stupid shit, you know?

00:03:47Nobody wants to hear about women's stories, all right?

00:03:50If you want to make a film, you've got to talk about a man.

00:03:51You've got to write about a man.

00:03:52That's what you have to do.

00:03:53Well, can you read my script?

00:03:54It's called The Year of My Yoni.

00:03:55It's about a woman who goes on a spiritual quest to find happiness and to learn about her yoni.

00:03:58Yoni, I don't even know what that is.

00:04:00Is that like a new way of saying vagina?

00:04:01It sounds like a porno.

00:04:02I'm not into it.

00:04:03Look.

00:04:04A guy bashing another guy's skull in with a baseball bat.

00:04:06That's what sells.

00:04:10Well, I could change the title to The Ultra-Violent Yoni.

00:04:13You know, that's a good start.

00:04:14You could put more violence in your script and I'd definitely get a better chance of getting it made.

00:04:17On my end, I'm going to put more female characters in my next script.

00:04:20Really?

00:04:21Yeah.

00:04:22It's called Kill the Sluts.

00:04:23I'm going to pick a title that's more PC a little bit later that's a working title.

00:04:26But basically, the movie's about this crazy psychopathic killer that goes on a killing rampage and kills all these teenage sluts.

00:04:32But the only person that he can't kill is an 18-year-old virgin.

00:04:36Don't you think that will send out a weird message to women and teenage girls about sex

00:04:39and those women might grow up and have a lot of issues?

00:04:41I'm not saying I'm against women's rights.

00:04:43I'm just saying that there's no market for their films.

00:04:47I'm just saying that there's no market for their films.

00:05:17I'm just saying that there's no market for their films.

00:05:47Hello!

00:06:00Welcome!

00:06:03Is this your first time?

00:06:04I guess so.

00:06:05Are you ready to uncover your deepest desires and join the pleasure revolution?

00:06:11I don't know.

00:06:13That's good enough for now.

00:06:14You are in exactly the right place.

00:06:16Welcome.

00:06:18Fear!

00:06:21So what?

00:06:23Failure!

00:06:25So what?

00:06:27My pussy is strong!

00:06:30My pussy is a genius!

00:06:35We must listen to our pussies!

00:06:42She was listening to our footsteps.

00:06:50Ladies, I would now like to introduce you to a dear friend of mine, my mentor,

00:06:54Dr. Christiane Northrup!

00:07:02What a pleasure.

00:07:03Thank you.

00:07:04Thank you.

00:07:06Alright.

00:07:07I have something really magical to tell you.

00:07:13I love my breasts.

00:07:16Say it with me.

00:07:17I love my breasts.

00:07:21I love your breasts, too, Chris.

00:07:23I love yours.

00:07:24Thank you.

00:07:25Thank you.

00:07:26Now it is time to honor the breasts of the women in the room.

00:07:30I would like you to turn to the person next to you and look at her breasts

00:07:35and say,

00:07:36Your bodacious ta-tas honor me and they honor you.

00:07:41Everybody find a partner, please.

00:07:45Excuse me.

00:07:46Could you be my partner?

00:07:47Yeah, sure.

00:07:48Okay.

00:07:49Hi.

00:07:50I don't have a partner.

00:07:51Is it possible we could do a three-way?

00:07:52I've never done a three-way.

00:07:53This is my third time taking the class.

00:07:56First time, I liked my boobs.

00:07:59Second time, I loved my boobs.

00:08:02Now, I really, really love my boobs.

00:08:07Wow.

00:08:08Yeah.

00:08:09This is a powerful exercise to release the shame that we carry in our sexual organs.

00:08:14Okay.

00:08:15Your bodacious ta-tas honor me and they honor you.

00:08:21Your bodacious ta-tas honor me and they honor you.

00:08:25Okay.

00:08:26Your bodacious ta-tas honor me and they honor you.

00:08:29Wow.

00:08:30This is my first lesbian experience.

00:08:32I didn't know I had it in me.

00:08:35Okay.

00:08:36Are you Eva St. Clair, the designer?

00:08:38Yes.

00:08:39Wow.

00:08:40Why are you in this class?

00:08:41You seem so together.

00:08:43Believe me, I have issues.

00:08:46That is now the end of the class for the Divine Feminine Workshop.

00:08:49We will be meeting next week to worship and decorate our pussies.

00:08:55Thank you.

00:08:56Thank you.

00:08:57Thank you.

00:08:58Thank you.

00:08:59Thank you.

00:09:00Thank you.

00:09:01Thank you.

00:09:02Pussy.

00:09:03Pussy.

00:09:04Pussy.

00:09:05Pussy.

00:09:06Pussy.

00:09:07How did you get in here?

00:09:08Phys class, my color therapy workshops and my past life progression conferences.

00:09:12What's color therapy?

00:09:14It's about how certain colors make you feel.

00:09:18That sounds helpful.

00:09:20Ooh, you guys want to come to the place where I work?

00:09:22I cast magical spells to make your dreams come true.

00:09:26I'm a Hopologist.

00:09:27What's a homologist?

00:09:28I just made that word up.

00:09:29Isn't it awesome?

00:09:31I believe in the religion of hope or hopology.

00:09:34I just made that up too.

00:09:36I just spent an hour singing about my pussy, so why the hell not?

00:09:39Yeah, I mean, if you do that, you're going home to think about how much I hate myself, so...

00:09:43Let's do it!

00:09:44Let's do it!

00:09:52This place is really cool.

00:09:54Okay.

00:09:56So...

00:09:57What do you want to wish for?

00:09:59How does it work?

00:10:01Oh.

00:10:02I carve these candles and cast spells on them.

00:10:04I don't know if it's positive intention or creative visualization or actual magic,

00:10:09but these spells work for a lot of people.

00:10:12Some of my regulars call me the witch.

00:10:15What kind of spells?

00:10:16Oh, all kinds.

00:10:18Some for serious stuff like for love or work and stuff,

00:10:21but some fun ones, too, like I want my own unicorn.

00:10:23They aren't magical.

00:10:25They're overpriced candles for rich idiots who've got nothing better to do.

00:10:28Your paycheck's on my desk.

00:10:30Can you take out the trash while you're at it?

00:10:31I don't want the rats getting in there.

00:10:32Sorry, Mr. J.

00:10:34Did Mr. Funtime just call us idiots?

00:10:37What an asshole.

00:10:38I think some people just don't have enough imagination.

00:10:40Honey, I think you should go first.

00:10:42Okay.

00:10:44Well, I want to have hot sex with someone who's really nice to me.

00:10:48Hot sex.

00:10:49Yes, give it to me.

00:10:51I want that, too.

00:10:52I want to not fall asleep during sex.

00:10:56I want to be awake.

00:10:58I want to be an active part of it.

00:11:02Okay, I want in. I want in.

00:11:04Okay.

00:11:06I'm going to use the red candle for passion.

00:11:10So, you hold the candle and you think about what you want to release from your life

00:11:16and then think about what you want.

00:11:19Picture the hot sex.

00:11:27All right.

00:11:29I want to have the hottest sex I've ever had with someone who's really nice to me.

00:11:35And so mote it be.

00:11:37Mote?

00:11:38It's witch talk for it, and so shall it be.

00:11:41Witch talk. I like it.

00:11:44Okay.

00:11:45You guys, I really just want my ex-husband back.

00:11:49I don't need hot sex.

00:11:51I mean, like, room temperature, warm sex would be nice for me.

00:11:56Here I go.

00:11:57And so mote it be.

00:11:59And so mote it be.

00:12:02I want hot sex with Daniel.

00:12:05So mote it be.

00:12:14Okay.

00:12:15I don't know if all of this is BS, but I actually feel better.

00:12:19Oh my God, I'm invited to a fun party tonight.

00:12:22Do you guys want to go with me?

00:12:23Yeah.

00:12:24Yeah.

00:12:28I got the light.

00:12:32I got the light.

00:12:36I got the light.

00:12:40I got the light.

00:12:46Hey guys, wait for it.

00:12:48I got the light.

00:12:49Oh yeah.

00:12:50Here we go.

00:12:54Oh my God.

00:12:56Amazing.

00:12:57Amazing.

00:12:58Hi.

00:12:59Amazing.

00:13:10Oh my God.

00:13:11My first time seeing an ocean play.

00:13:15Hey.

00:13:16Hey.

00:13:17Hey.

00:13:18Hey.

00:13:19Hey.

00:13:20Hey.

00:13:21Hey.

00:13:22Hey.

00:13:23Hey.

00:13:24Hey.

00:13:25Hey.

00:13:29What is happening?

00:13:37Hey.

00:13:38Oh.

00:13:39Hi.

00:13:40It's so good to see you, babe.

00:13:42You too.

00:13:43And who is your gorgeous friend?

00:13:45Oh, honey, this is Freedom.

00:13:47He's a great artist.

00:13:48Hi.

00:13:49He does this whole life inspiration.

00:13:51Good to meet you.

00:13:52Good to meet you.

00:13:55I would really love to show my eyes. I would love to see your art. I really love to dance with you right now

00:14:00Okay, let's do it!

00:14:22I'm gonna get something to eat.

00:14:25I can't because I have to get up early tomorrow and I have a boyfriend.

00:14:31Viejita lo balado.

00:14:33What's that?

00:14:34No one can take away the dance.

00:14:37It's a Spanish saying.

00:14:39No matter what happens, we'll always have this wonderful night.

00:14:43And I'll dance.

00:14:47Thanks for your jacket.

00:14:49That was fun.

00:14:57Dancers forever!

00:14:59Dancers forever!

00:15:16This is what I want to happen. I want the slut to have an orgasm.

00:15:19And then when she has an orgasm, I want the killer to come up behind her and just stab her in the ass, okay?

00:15:23I want there to be a lot of blood in this scene.

00:15:25I don't want it to be almost too much where you're like, but a lot, but like almost too much.

00:15:30I also want there to be very good dialogue, okay? And that's where you come in.

00:15:34So I want the character to say something cool like, fuck you, bitch. Fuck you.

00:15:37Fuck you, bitch. Fuck you. Got it.

00:15:39Do whatever you want to do, but that.

00:15:43I'm sick of watching women get stabbed in movies.

00:15:46I think it's a great idea, Peter. I love all your ideas.

00:15:50I love you so much.

00:15:52Excuse me, but why does the woman who enjoys sex always have to die in horror films?

00:15:55Maybe she could fight back.

00:15:59We could work in some more nudity that way.

00:16:02What if the slut fights the killer and every orgasm she has makes her stronger?

00:16:06That's funny. I think we should at least try it.

00:16:10Well, you know what, John, I would try that, but I actually, I think that that's probably the worst fucking idea I've ever heard in my entire life, so I probably can't do that one.

00:16:17I like sluts. Why do they all have to die? I mean, nobody kills male sluts in movies.

00:16:21I like sluts, too.

00:16:23Who doesn't like sluts? Maybe one should live.

00:16:26Well, Linda, the thing is you already approved the draft that I wrote, so...

00:16:29Who are you? I'm a development person.

00:16:32Well, yeah, she was my old assistant until recently I promoted her into development before I realized what an angry feminist she is.

00:16:39She's also a writer, actually a really good writer.

00:16:42Well, we all write.

00:16:43I want to be a writer.

00:16:44I'm the young assistant.

00:16:46Peter.

00:16:47All right.

00:16:48Well, you know, that's confusing, but I like this idea.

00:16:51I think we should explore it.

00:16:53Yeah, Linda, but I think...

00:16:54Peter, I gave you final cut.

00:16:56No studio is going to offer you that.

00:16:58The slut lives.

00:17:00Old assistant person, I would like you and John to work on the next draft.

00:17:04Get it to me when you're done.

00:17:09Linda, if I could just, I want to talk to you about...

00:17:11Yeah, I have an appointment in St. Barts later today.

00:17:14Excuse me, but what the hell was that?

00:17:17Well, when we started working together, you said you liked my ideas.

00:17:20It embarrasses me to think about the idiotic films that you want to make.

00:17:24I thought it was a good idea, better than a guy stabbing a girl in the ass.

00:17:27Sex and violence is a proven formula that makes a profit.

00:17:31Well, what about sex and happiness?

00:17:34You're embarrassing yourself.

00:17:37What are you talking about?

00:17:39What? Really?

00:17:41You want to break up with me?

00:17:44Do you have any idea how many girls want to sleep with me right now?

00:17:48Huh? So many.

00:17:50I'm Peter Brock, okay?

00:17:52Well, why don't you go have sex with him?

00:17:54Yeah, maybe I will, okay?

00:17:57But you know what?

00:17:59Actually, rewind.

00:18:01I break up with you.

00:18:03Before what you said, I break up with you.

00:18:06Rewind. I break up with you.

00:18:08Before what you said, I break up with you.

00:18:10Before you said you'd break up with me. That was my idea.

00:18:13Great idea.

00:18:15I'm Peter Brock. Look at this.

00:18:18Look at all... There's three posters here.

00:18:21There's some behind the door. Hang on.

00:18:24You are my honey bunny. Come here.

00:18:27You are my honey bunny.

00:18:30Oh.

00:18:33Get me a coffee.

00:18:42At least it sounds like a wanker.

00:18:45Why work for him?

00:18:47It's hard to find work in the movie business. It's a man's world.

00:18:50Oh, yeah.

00:18:52Hmm.

00:18:54Like eating with your hands?

00:18:56Um, I don't know.

00:18:58No, you can just feel the food.

00:19:01You can just feel the food, you know?

00:19:03And sometimes I just want to eat like a dog.

00:19:05Yeah, I just want to put my face in there, yeah?

00:19:09Huh?

00:19:11Mmm. Mmm.

00:19:15Come on. Try it.

00:19:17Oh, it's so good. Give it a go. Come on.

00:19:19Come on. You've got to try this.

00:19:21Come on.

00:19:25Mmm. Yum.

00:19:27Yeah, right?

00:19:28Delicious.

00:19:30It's straight from the plate to your face.

00:19:32Wow. It's so much better this way.

00:19:34It is. Absolutely. I'm going to join you there.

00:19:36Mmm. It's so good. Mmm.

00:19:38I love you.

00:19:40I love you.

00:19:43You know I don't want a relationship, right?

00:19:47You knew that, though, right?

00:19:49Well, aren't we already actually having a relationship?

00:19:53I mean, we've been dating for two years, and you just told me you love me.

00:19:57Oh, yeah, well, you know, yeah, I love you.

00:20:00You know, I love you as a sister, you know, as a friend,

00:20:05and as a sexual partner, as a fellow human being, you know?

00:20:11But I think we should just find a new and better way to do relationships.

00:20:15You know?

00:20:17Yeah.

00:20:19Right?

00:20:21Oh, shit, babe, I got to go, actually, because I have a...

00:20:26I just got a crazy week.

00:20:28Oh, can I also, babe, can I leave my laundry here and get in on Thursday?

00:20:36You want me to do your laundry while you date other women?

00:20:41I mean, that would be really insensitive if we were in some old-fashioned,

00:20:44you know, closed-minded relationship.

00:20:47But since we're not, you know, we're not confining ourselves to societal norms,

00:20:52then I think it's fine.

00:20:54All right.

00:20:56Bye.

00:21:05Hey, me again.

00:21:07Listen, I was just going to say, why don't you just ignore those previous voicemails, okay?

00:21:13Because here's the real truth, okay?

00:21:16Let's get honest.

00:21:18I am great.

00:21:20I'm great.

00:21:21I'm so great, and I'm super happy for you and Chandra.

00:21:26And here's the thing.

00:21:28I'm so happy.

00:21:29I'm so happy, and I'm great.

00:21:30Like, if great were people, I'd be like fucking, where's there a lot of people?

00:21:34India?

00:21:35Beijing?

00:21:36I'm fucking Beijing.

00:21:37That's how great I am.

00:21:41So I saved one of your messages that you left me, you know,

00:21:43like right when you were like, hey, by the way, I'm fucking a 19-year-old.

00:21:46It's such a great message.

00:21:47It's so amazing.

00:21:48I'm so glad you told me things on a voicemail.

00:21:50You are so brave.

00:21:52And by brave, I mean, like, you're a fucking idiot.

00:21:55I just wanted you to know that.

00:21:56I saved it, and I play it for my friends.

00:21:58And we laugh, and we laugh, and then I tell them about your weird dick.

00:22:02And I'm fucking naked.

00:22:05And I have on those high-heel, like, fuck-me pumps that you love.

00:22:10Ah, yeah, I'm naked.

00:22:13You know what else?

00:22:15Remember that time you told me to squeeze your dick really hard at the base of it?

00:22:19I'm fucking doing that.

00:22:21And, you know, yeah, and it's awesome.

00:22:25So maybe call me.

00:22:32Because I could suck your cock.

00:22:35I really think you should come over because I might do something bad to myself.

00:22:40Oh, my God, I might do something so bad.

00:22:42And then, I mean, I don't know what I would do, but it would be bad.

00:22:45And then you would feel guilty, like, for the rest of your life.

00:22:48So I can't wait to hear from you.

00:22:52Okay.

00:22:53Bye.

00:23:04Wow.

00:23:06This is amazing.

00:23:11Oh, yeah.

00:23:19Is this all right?

00:23:20Oh, yeah.

00:23:22See, our society is sick, yeah?

00:23:28It's no wonder the earth is dying.

00:23:30Because the culture sends this message, yeah?

00:23:34Join the rat race.

00:23:35Make money.

00:23:36Be a winner.

00:23:37Otherwise, you're nothing.

00:23:38Let's read us weekly.

00:23:39Drink the Kool-Aid.

00:23:40Fuck that shit.

00:23:42I'm my own man.

00:23:44I mean, sure, I've got to make money.

00:23:46But I don't let them own me.

00:23:48I'm seeking their approval, yeah?

00:23:51I'm free.

00:23:54Watch out.

00:23:55It's the name freedom.

00:23:56Okay.

00:24:04I've got exercise classes, you know.

00:24:07I do my own thing.

00:24:10I follow the man.

00:24:12I create my own moves.

00:24:14I don't need someone to give them to me.

00:24:18Well, yoga exercises are thousands of years old for a reason.

00:24:21They really work.

00:24:29Why don't you let the man own you?

00:24:34Why don't you go your own way?

00:24:37This isn't trying to please people.

00:24:58Are you going to keep doing those moves?

00:25:00Oh, yeah.

00:25:16Eva.

00:25:21Shit.

00:25:24Hi.

00:25:30Fuck me bumps, huh?

00:25:32Uh, they're upstairs.

00:25:33You want me to get them?

00:25:34No, it's okay.

00:25:36I took them off because they hurt my feet.

00:25:38Mm-hmm.

00:25:39You put on the sweats.

00:25:41I was worried, obviously.

00:25:43So many messages.

00:25:44You were worried about me?

00:25:46Well, 14 messages and some suicide threats.

00:25:49I never said suicide.

00:25:51I said maybe something bad.

00:25:55And that you would die alone.

00:25:56You're not going to die alone.

00:25:58But if you do, it's because of doing things like this.

00:26:03You look really nice.

00:26:05Thank you.

00:26:06I'm going to go.

00:26:07It's Chandra's birthday.

00:26:08We're doing a thing.

00:26:09It's her birthday?

00:26:11Oh, wait, I have a question for you.

00:26:13Mm-hmm.

00:26:14Like, where was Chandra when I was putting you through art school?

00:26:18Oh, my God, that's right!

00:26:20Here comes the flood.

00:26:21Oh, my God!

00:26:22There it is.

00:26:23She was in kindergarten.

00:26:24We are doing this.

00:26:25Well, guess what?

00:26:26Eva, I could never keep up with you because all you ever cared about was money.

00:26:28You're a fucking liar.

00:26:30Because I don't care about money.

00:26:32I put you through art school.

00:26:34You're just like, what?

00:26:35What do you even do for a living?

00:26:36You drive a douchebag car.

00:26:37I wanted a much douchier car than that.

00:26:39That was the one we could afford.

00:26:41I'm sorry I should have said that.

00:26:43I don't like you right now.

00:26:44I love you somewhat.

00:26:47But right now, I don't think you would like you either.

00:26:51Because you're being horrible.

00:26:53And you look horrible.

00:26:56I just want to have a baby!

00:26:59Okay.

00:27:00Come here.

00:27:02Come here.

00:27:03Come here.

00:27:04Hi.

00:27:05Hi.

00:27:06Don't make her think.

00:27:07Don't make her think.

00:27:08Oh, my God, you smell so weird.

00:27:10You smell so weird.

00:27:11No, just don't.

00:27:12Don't humiliate yourself any more than you have, okay?

00:27:15You smell like, I don't know, like lavender or something.

00:27:18Just stop.

00:27:19Just stop.

00:27:20Don't embarrass yourself any more.

00:27:21You don't embarrass yourself, buddy.

00:27:23You settle down.

00:27:24What's happening down there?

00:27:25Don't.

00:27:26Don't.

00:27:27We're not.

00:27:28Okay.

00:27:30Brew up some coffee.

00:27:31Don't.

00:27:32Please.

00:27:33I care very deeply about you.

00:27:35Without loving.

00:27:36Throw up.

00:27:37Go to sleep.

00:27:38Take a shower.

00:27:39I already threw up.

00:27:40Okay.

00:27:42I love you so much.

00:27:44Bye.

00:27:45Thank you for coming.

00:27:46Mmm.

00:27:47Mmm.

00:27:48Mmm.

00:27:49Mmm.

00:27:50Mmm.

00:27:51Mmm.

00:27:52Mmm.

00:27:53Mmm.

00:27:54The only reason a man and a woman should have carnal knowledge of each other is to create

00:28:00a child.

00:28:03Any other physical union between a man and a woman is a sin.

00:28:14And sins are punishable by hellfire and damnation.

00:28:18I'm sorry.

00:28:19I'm sorry.

00:28:20You will go to hell.

00:28:22I'm sorry.

00:28:23I'm sorry.

00:28:24Huh?

00:28:25Huh?

00:28:26Huh?

00:28:27Huh?

00:28:28You all right?

00:28:29Yeah.

00:28:30Did I just say that out loud?

00:28:31Yeah.

00:28:32It felt so good.

00:28:35I felt like I was doing something wrong.

00:28:37I'm fucked up.

00:28:39I don't think you're fucked up.

00:28:41You don't?

00:28:42No.

00:28:43I think you're divine.

00:28:45Divinity itself in a physical form.

00:28:51Really?

00:28:52Yeah.

00:28:53Mmm.

00:28:54Mmm.

00:28:55Mmm.

00:28:56Mmm.

00:28:57Mmm.

00:28:58Mmm.

00:28:59Mmm.

00:29:00Mmm.

00:29:01Mmm.

00:29:02Mmm.

00:29:03Mmm.

00:29:04Mmm.

00:29:05Mmm.

00:29:06Mmm.

00:29:07Mmm.

00:29:08Mmm.

00:29:10I thought I knew what sex and orgasms were before, but I did not.

00:29:13I mean, I feel like I understand the meaning of life now,

00:29:16and the meaning of life is to have as much sex as possible with this guy over and over again.

00:29:21Oh, great sex!

00:29:23Ugh, it makes you do stupid things.

00:29:25I feel like I tried to please the guy so much before that I never, like, really got off.

00:29:30Darren would just jam it in there, felt a lot of warm-up.

00:29:36And that was on the rare occasions that he could get it up.

00:29:40Your ex?

00:29:41You know what?

00:29:42People say they want to hear the truth, but they don't.

00:29:44They just want to be like, oh, poor Eva.

00:29:46Did you hear?

00:29:47Eva's husband cheated on her.

00:29:48Here's the truth.

00:29:49I supported him financially for 14 years.

00:29:52That emasculated him.

00:29:54Oh, poor guy.

00:29:55So then he got erectile dysfunction.

00:29:56Oh, wah.

00:29:57So then he had to go fuck a 21-year-old so he could feel like a man again.

00:30:03I feel like I'm not worthy of you, because you're great.

00:30:05Yeah.

00:30:07Thank you.

00:30:09I feel like I have to do everything the guy says or he'll leave me.

00:30:12Like, I've been dating this guy for two years, pretending the entire time like I don't know he's dating other girls.

00:30:18You need to ask him for what you want.

00:30:19Just say, I only want you to see me.

00:30:21Or date other men and flaunt them in front of him.

00:30:23Yeah, but I only want him.

00:30:25God, why are we sitting around talking about how sad our lives are?

00:30:27Why do women do that?

00:30:29You know, you're right.

00:30:30We should be talking about how great we are.

00:30:32If someone gives us a compliment, we should say, thank you, it's true.

00:30:36You start.

00:30:38What?

00:30:39And give myself a compliment?

00:30:40Yeah.

00:30:41Yeah, just do it.

00:30:43Okay.

00:30:44Um, I think I'm more attractive than I thought.

00:30:48Because, all right, well, there's this guy at the coffee cart on the beach.

00:30:51He asks me out all the time.

00:30:53He's super attractive, and he's 28.

00:30:55Ah!

00:30:56You should go for it.

00:30:58No.

00:30:59Yeah.

00:31:00Really?

00:31:01Remember, there's a new skank in town.

00:31:05I think I'm going to tell my man that I'm not going to do his laundry.

00:31:08So there.

00:31:10Because I am super hot, and he should feel lucky to tap that ass.

00:31:13So he better behave.

00:31:14Yeah, you should do your laundry.

00:31:16Yeah, you are so hot, like really hot.

00:31:18Thank you.

00:31:19It's true.

00:31:21Okay, your turn.

00:31:23Okay.

00:31:25I'm not a dirty slut.

00:31:27Having sex with me is a religious experience.

00:31:30It is.

00:31:32I want a new candle.

00:31:33Oh, I brought the love candle.

00:31:38Honey.

00:31:39Thank you.

00:31:40Eva.

00:31:41So sweet.

00:31:42You know, we talk about pleasing men, but what about pleasing us?

00:31:45You know what we should say?

00:31:46Get down there and lick it.

00:31:48Lick it.

00:31:50Lick it.

00:31:51Darren never licked it.

00:31:53I think I'm due.

00:31:54Lick it!

00:31:55I like it.

00:31:57I like it.

00:32:07I want to see freedom again.

00:32:09I want love, not sex.

00:32:28Go, go, go.

00:32:49I hope you don't think I'm easy.

00:32:51Why would I think you are easy?

00:32:53Just because we had sex on the first date.

00:32:56I think it's weird not to have sex on the first date.

00:32:59Really?

00:33:01Do you want to go back to my place and get stoned?

00:33:04Yeah?

00:33:23Do you want a hit?

00:33:24I don't really smoke.

00:33:25Oh come on, just one.

00:33:27Okay.

00:33:36You alright?

00:33:38Yeah.

00:33:44When we were together, could you feel that energy going back and forth in our souls?

00:33:50It felt amazing.

00:33:53I don't think we even need to talk, yeah?

00:33:55Can't you just feel what I'm thinking?

00:34:02I don't think so.

00:34:04I bet you can, yeah?

00:34:10Can you feel it now?

00:34:13Can you just tell me?

00:34:15No, no, no.

00:34:22What about now?

00:34:28Now?

00:34:30I'm the most wonderful person you've ever met.

00:34:52Now?

00:34:57Now.

00:35:22Now.

00:35:24Now.

00:35:26Now.

00:35:28Now.

00:35:30Now.

00:35:32Now.

00:35:34Now.

00:35:36Now.

00:35:38Now.

00:35:40Now.

00:35:42Now.

00:35:44Now.

00:35:46Now.

00:35:48Now.

00:35:50Now.

00:35:52Now.

00:35:58You have never done anything wrong.

00:36:00Sex is sacred and beautiful.

00:36:11What if all the sluts had mind-blowing orgasms?

00:36:15Only when they're empowered by their orgasms can they defeat the evil mutant.

00:36:22Empowered slots, I like that. That's provocative.

00:36:25You think we can get that past the ratings board?

00:36:29Hey, guys. Sorry, I just downloaded this new app.

00:36:33It detects shitty movie ideas and it literally led me right here.

00:36:38Anyway, let me know if you have any real movie ideas that we can turn into actual movies.

00:36:45Okay. Bye.

00:36:51Encouraging. I love that guy.

00:36:54Oh, I wanted to say, I read your script about the Afghan woman who fights for the right to divorce her husband. That was strong.

00:37:03How did you get a copy of that?

00:37:05I got K'nex. You know what I'm saying?

00:37:07No.

00:37:08Actually, Peter wanted me to write coverage.

00:37:11Oh. I thought he read that one.

00:37:13I don't know. He's a busy guy.

00:37:15But I really love the scene where Afshan says, this is my woman part to do with what I want.

00:37:23That was pretty intense.

00:37:26You really liked it?

00:37:27Yeah, it was powerful.

00:37:44God. I love that.

00:37:59I want love.

00:38:09And so would it be.

00:38:14Thank you, honey.

00:38:16Sure.

00:38:17Hi. I'll just take a regular coffee, please.

00:38:20I'm just looking for this guy. I think he works here.

00:38:24I don't know his name, but he's 28.

00:38:27I know. 28. I know, I know. I know what you're thinking.

00:38:30Do you know who I'm talking about?

00:38:31No.

00:38:32No?

00:38:33Yeah.

00:38:34Mark!

00:38:35Hi.

00:38:36Oh, my God.

00:38:37Oh, it's been so long. How are you?

00:38:39Good. I'm okay. Yeah.

00:38:41How's Darren?

00:38:42We got a divorce. He didn't tell you?

00:38:45Uh, yeah. I heard.

00:38:48Sorry.

00:38:49Yeah.

00:38:50Rebecca and I got divorced, too.

00:38:53I'm so sorry.

00:38:55No. Actually, it's for the best.

00:38:57Plus, we have two beautiful daughters, five and ten, so no regrets.

00:39:05Do you want to have a coffee?

00:39:07Yeah.

00:39:11What are you doing right now?

00:39:12Uh, nothing.

00:39:15You want to go for a walk, catch up?

00:39:17Yeah, I'd really like that.

00:39:20I was making dresses in my kitchen, and then just boom, you know?

00:39:25That's amazing.

00:39:29I'm sorry to hear about your divorce.

00:39:31I feel like such a failure.

00:39:33Oh, don't say that.

00:39:35I just wish we would have had kids, you know, like you guys.

00:39:38But we were never on the same page with that.

00:39:40Eva, you are in no way a failure.

00:39:43A huge, huge success in every way.

00:39:49Oh.

00:39:53Stunning.

00:39:55Thank you. It's true.

00:39:59Thank you. It's true. I like that.

00:40:04Did you know I left a lot for him?

00:40:06No.

00:40:08Yeah, you know, threw the hair out, stopped shaving, opened a restaurant.

00:40:13No way!

00:40:15Yeah. You always told me I should.

00:40:17Remember that night I made the panna cotta with aged balsamico?

00:40:20Yes. I had like a food orgasm over that dessert.

00:40:23Yes, you did.

00:40:27Congratulations. You're amazing.

00:40:31Thank you. It's true.

00:40:35I feel a little lost in my life.

00:40:39You know?

00:40:40Okay.

00:40:41I don't know. Like, why am I a success?

00:40:44I mean, is it because I make dresses?

00:40:47Oh. Yeah, I suppose everybody would say that.

00:40:51But, uh, personally?

00:40:55You're just good to be around.

00:40:59I'm always happy when I'm near you.

00:41:04Pat is crazy sweet.

00:41:08You are crazy beautiful.

00:41:12Oh, wait. Oh, my gosh. What?

00:41:19I've had a crush on you for 14 years.

00:41:22Really? Why?

00:41:25What? Why?

00:41:27What, uh, what are we doing?

00:41:30I haven't been with anyone since my...

00:41:33Um, I would like to keep my clothes on.

00:41:36Just...

00:41:38Oh, God.

00:41:40Oh, my God. Wait a second.

00:41:43Oh, my God.

00:41:45Oh, my God. You're so good at this.

00:41:48I've wanted to do this since I met you.

00:41:50That's what you were thinking the whole time?

00:41:52When we met at Walmart? Are you kidding me?

00:41:55It's kind of weird. Thank you for telling me.

00:41:58Because I was, like, thinking,

00:42:00Oh, nice guy at Walmart.

00:42:02He buys, like, stuff in bulk.

00:42:04I get it.

00:42:06Oh, my God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

00:42:09And then I was like, Hey, you drive a Prius.

00:42:11And that's cool. You're a cool person.

00:42:14Hey, what? Just slow down on that bottom part.

00:42:17Oh, my God.

00:42:18Shut up. I'm going to stop talking now.

00:42:20I'm not going to talk anymore.

00:42:21I'm not going to talk anymore.

00:42:24You're, like, really good at this.

00:42:26Oh, God. Wait. I didn't groom. I didn't groom.

00:42:29Okay. Okay. No. Actually, I'm okay with that.

00:42:31I'm okay with it. Never mind. Don't listen to me.

00:42:33Just stop. Just stop.

00:42:42I want love.

00:42:54Babe?

00:42:56Do you have that bag?

00:42:58Because I'm doing that lecture on techno-social wormholes downtown.

00:43:01And they're going to put it on YouTube.

00:43:03Isn't that great?

00:43:07I didn't have time to do your laundry.

00:43:09And...

00:43:13If you want to be with me, you can't date anybody else.

00:43:16Have you noticed that I'm great?

00:43:18Because you don't treat me that way.

00:43:20Oh, where's all this coming from?

00:43:22It's coming from me.

00:43:24You were fine with everything a few days ago.

00:43:27I take care of you.

00:43:29When are you going to take care of me?

00:43:31Relationships are hard for me. My parents got divorced.

00:43:33Oh, God. Stop it.

00:43:35Stop using that as an excuse for everything.

00:43:38My family was fucked up, too. Let it go.

00:43:41I don't really like your tone of voice right now, honestly.

00:43:44You need to figure that out.

00:43:47Well, those don't look very clean to me.

00:43:50No.

00:43:52They're very dirty.

00:43:54What?

00:43:56Yeah. Extremely dirty.

00:43:58And smelly.

00:44:00Seriously?

00:44:02You're going to regret this tomorrow.

00:44:04And when you do, you can call me, okay?

00:44:07When you are ready to treat me like the amazing person I am,

00:44:10you call me.

00:44:12I won't be calling you.

00:44:14Take that.

00:44:16I'm going to wear this.

00:44:18I'm going to wear this.

00:44:20Now it's even more dirty. It's more dirty now.

00:44:22Okay!

00:44:28When am I going to clean these?

00:44:31Do you have a place?

00:44:33Okay. You know what? Thank you.

00:44:35Thank you. That's great.

00:44:37We'll talk.

00:44:39The guy shows her the beauty of her own soul through sexuality,

00:44:42and then she defeats the killer.

00:44:44I'm not sure how to fit that into a teenage slasher film,

00:44:47but I like the challenge.

00:44:49Let me get cracking on it.

00:44:51Don't shoot the dinosaur. He's on your side.

00:44:53What are you guys doing?

00:44:55We're working on a video game based on the film.

00:44:57Yeah, it's really going to boost our profits on this one.

00:44:59Peter came up with it all by himself.

00:45:01The goal of the game is to build up your empire

00:45:04and kill as many sluts and douchebags that get in your way.

00:45:07Once you reach the higher levels,

00:45:09you meet a virgin with special powers.

00:45:11Every time you see a slut,

00:45:13you can kill her and get the point.

00:45:16Sometimes I like to shoot her in the boobs or crotch area.

00:45:19The last one was his idea.

00:45:21Boom! That slut went down!

00:45:26So what do you think?

00:45:28I think it's really disturbing,

00:45:30and it makes me want to, like, vomit in my mouth.

00:45:32Hey, man, I need you to go through the video game

00:45:34and make sure that all of the girls under their shirts,

00:45:36you can see their erect nipples.

00:45:38I need you to do that for me.

00:45:40Great idea. You're so smart.

00:45:42Look, the script that John and I are writing is a totally different story.

00:45:44Yeah, I know, and thank God it's a different story

00:45:46because your script sucked shit,

00:45:48and this video game is going to sell like Molly

00:45:50to a girl that doesn't talk to her parents that much, okay?

00:45:52I need you to be on nipple supervision, all right?

00:45:54You got to go through the video game

00:45:56and make sure that every girl's nipples are erect, okay?

00:45:58We're going to go for the only demographic that matters,

00:46:00and that's teenage boys.

00:46:02Well, that's ridiculous, because John and I are writing a great script.

00:46:04I'm sorry. That app is going off that I downloaded.

00:46:06It keeps going off when people say stupid shit.

00:46:08Let me fix this. Turn it off.

00:46:10Do you want to know what men really get off on?

00:46:12No.

00:46:14The conquest, okay?

00:46:16Look, I'm a hunter. We're hunters. We're men.

00:46:18I'm a man. I'm a hunter, okay?

00:46:20I hunted you. I got you. I found you.

00:46:22I kept you for a little bit, and then I got bored,

00:46:24and then you left, and now I'm attracted to you again, you know?

00:46:26That's what works.

00:46:28The plan worked, okay?

00:46:30So let's just go have sex in my office.

00:46:32No.

00:46:34Everything you have is...

00:46:36Turn your fucking head.

00:46:38What's your name?

00:46:40DeMarcus.

00:46:42You're the whitest guy in the world, and his name's fucking DeMarcus.

00:46:44Hey, I'm Deshawn.

00:46:46Anyway,

00:46:48everything you have

00:46:50is because of me.

00:46:52But I want to be a writer.

00:46:54Can you just make sure you supervise all the nipples, please?

00:46:56That's what I need from you.

00:46:58That is, if you want to get a paycheck. Big boobs.

00:47:04I'm going to be a writer.

00:47:06I love you.

00:47:08I love you.

00:47:10Mark was down there for so long.

00:47:12I wonder what he was thinking about.

00:47:14He was thinking, yum, yum.

00:47:16I feel like guys you can put down

00:47:18on you aren't hetero enough.

00:47:20I mean, what would they rather be doing, sucking a cock?

00:47:22This guy sounds amazing.

00:47:24You can totally tell the difference between a guy who's into it

00:47:26and a guy who's not.

00:47:28I didn't even know that I liked it that much,

00:47:30but I haven't had sex with a lot of people.

00:47:32It's good if a guy's good at it.

00:47:34Otherwise, it's like sandpaper rubbing

00:47:36against your clitoris while you lay in a pool of saliva.

00:47:38Oh.

00:47:40Well, this guy was great at it.

00:47:42I think he could write an instruction manual

00:47:44on tonguemanship.

00:47:46Did you have sex?

00:47:48I had great sex.

00:47:50I had the best sex of my life.

00:47:52You guys both had great sex, and I got nothing.

00:47:54Are you going out again?

00:47:56I don't know. What's the point?

00:47:58Getting head.

00:48:00I can't. I just look better with clothes on.

00:48:02But you let him lick your naked vagina.

00:48:04I know, but that was just one tiny section down there.

00:48:06And I had clothes on.

00:48:08Plus, I work with models all day at work,

00:48:10and they're in such great shape.

00:48:12I look like crap compared to them.

00:48:14You are hot.

00:48:16I don't know. Maybe he's too nice.

00:48:18I'd take nice over mean any day.

00:48:20Yeah. Or commitment-phobic.

00:48:24Let's make a pact to be with good guys only.

00:48:26Guys who treat us great,

00:48:28like we deserve.

00:48:30Yeah. Good guy pact.

00:48:32Mark is so handsome.

00:48:34There must be something wrong with him.

00:48:36Or maybe I just don't know how to be

00:48:38with someone who's so sexually giving,

00:48:40which means I like jerks,

00:48:42which also means I can't be in the good guy pact.

00:48:44I'm going to light a candle for you and Mark.

00:48:46Me too.

00:48:48Okay. Don't forget the pact. Good guys only.

00:48:50Good guys only.

00:48:52Maybe sometimes a jerk?

00:48:54No. No.

00:48:56Jerk sex?

00:48:58Yeah.

00:49:08Oh, hey.

00:49:10Thank you for sending me your script,

00:49:12The Red Flow.

00:49:14I thought it was hilarious.

00:49:16You read it?

00:49:18I loved it.

00:49:20Yeah, but will it ever be made?

00:49:22A movie about a girl getting her period.

00:49:24Why not?

00:49:26I love the witches. They're really inspiring.

00:49:28Yes. Witches grow power.

00:49:30Do it.

00:49:32Have you heard about this video game

00:49:34that Peter is doing? It is so wild.

00:49:36Yeah, I heard about it.

00:49:38I wish I could destroy the computers

00:49:40or make my own video game called

00:49:42Sluts Fight Back.

00:49:44I love that. Sluts Fight Back.

00:49:46If I was technological, I'd just put a virus in the whole system

00:49:48and I'd shut it down.

00:49:52Well, it's funny that

00:49:54you say that because I happen to be technological.

00:50:08What are you doing?

00:50:12Technological stuff.

00:50:14We could be fired.

00:50:16Not if no one finds out.

00:50:24Hi.

00:50:26You're a genius.

00:50:28Yeah, you know what?

00:50:30I am a freaking genius.

00:50:32That was awesome.

00:50:34You're so awesome.

00:50:36What do you do now?

00:50:38Do you want to grab something to eat?

00:50:40Oh, I have plans.

00:50:42This may or may not change your mind,

00:50:44but aside from being a genius

00:50:46and a technological wizard,

00:50:48I'm also a really great rapper.

00:50:50Nice.

00:50:52Yeah, I'd love to show you

00:50:54some of my hip-hop stuff.

00:50:56Okay.

00:50:58You ready for this?

00:51:00Yeah.

00:51:02You're so ambitious.

00:51:04Your soul is sweet

00:51:06and superstitious.

00:51:08Your eyes, your lips, your heart,

00:51:10they're breaking records.

00:51:12And the dishes.

00:51:18Chicken, chicken.

00:51:21This goes on for like four minutes.

00:51:23Wow.

00:51:25Don't give up your day job.

00:51:27It was great. I loved it.

00:51:29I just wanted to do it.

00:51:31You got the technology smart.

00:51:33Thanks, yo.

00:51:35Word to your mother.

00:51:37Tell your mother I said word.

00:51:39See you Monday.

00:51:45Thanks for giving me this dress.

00:51:47Ditto.

00:51:49Oh, God. Okay.

00:51:51I don't know. Maybe we shouldn't go.

00:51:53How do I look?

00:51:55You look hot.

00:51:57I want to have sex with you.

00:51:59Stop it!

00:52:01Oh, my God.

00:52:03You guys are weird.

00:52:05I can't do this alone.

00:52:09Does Darren have a daughter?

00:52:11No.

00:52:13That's his new girlfriend.

00:52:16Oh.

00:52:18Oh.

00:52:20Holy shit.

00:52:22Is that you?

00:52:24Holy shit.

00:52:26Is that me?

00:52:28Oh, my God.

00:52:30Not entirely accurate, okay?

00:52:32It's not 1984 down there.

00:52:34Oh, I prefer a full bush.

00:52:36Really?

00:52:38Hey.

00:52:40Hi.

00:52:42I'm so glad you made it.

00:52:44Congratulations.

00:52:46Thanks.

00:52:48Everybody's here.

00:52:50Times is here.

00:52:52L.A. Weekly.

00:52:54Wow.

00:52:56Your new art is really amazing and interesting.

00:52:58There's a lot happening.

00:53:00It's powerful stuff.

00:53:02With all of it.

00:53:04I didn't get your smile exactly right.

00:53:06It's still great.

00:53:08Hey, let's have dinner outside.

00:53:10Really?

00:53:12Okay.

00:53:14Yeah, I got to go talk to somebody.

00:53:16Oh, okay, sure. You're busy.

00:53:18Why is he wearing that weird hat?

00:53:32Somebody fucked with our system.

00:53:34I can't get this image off the screen.

00:53:36I thought we were on a closed network.

00:53:38Someone hacked into a program.

00:53:40Password?

00:53:42Not to point fingers or anything.

00:53:44Yeah, okay. I'm way ahead of you.

00:53:46You're not a fucking detective, all right?

00:53:48Did you do this?

00:53:50I can't even figure out how to download the software updates on my computer.

00:53:52That's true. She can't fucking download the software updates on her computer.

00:53:54What's your name, Daryl?

00:53:56DeMarcus.

00:53:58DeMarcus? You're fired, dude.

00:54:00Come on, man.

00:54:02You're fired, and I'm going to get a new nerd to make this system that you can't fuck with it.

00:54:04Hey, you're the guy who has password as his password, man.

00:54:06Well, why don't you fucking broadcast it on Twitter, man?

00:54:08You're not supposed to tell people my password.

00:54:10I have to change it.

00:54:12I can do the password.

00:54:14You don't need to do it. I'll do it.

00:54:16I'm going to change it. Shit.

00:54:18Oh, come on, man.

00:54:20That sucks.

00:54:22See you guys later.

00:54:32Babe?

00:54:34You haven't returned any of my calls.

00:54:36I've been thinking about what you said.

00:54:40Can you please let me in?

00:54:42I really need to talk to you.

00:54:44What do you want?

00:54:46Can you please let me in?

00:54:48Tell me what you want.

00:54:50Please?

00:54:54Look, I don't know.

00:54:56This is really hard for me to say.

00:54:58What?

00:55:02I really liked how you bossed me around.

00:55:06I didn't think I would, but...

00:55:10It kind of turned me on.

00:55:12Are you serious?

00:55:14Yeah, is that really weird?

00:55:16Yeah, kind of.

00:55:18Can you boss me around some more?

00:55:24Really?

00:55:26Yeah.

00:55:36Give me ten minutes.

00:55:52I want you to do my laundry.

00:55:56Now.

00:55:58And clean my apartment.

00:56:02Now.

00:56:06And then I want you to lick it!

00:56:08All right.

00:56:10Crawl!

00:56:22Eva.

00:56:24Hey!

00:56:26How are you?

00:56:28I'm good.

00:56:30Welcome to my restaurant.

00:56:32This place is incredible.

00:56:34It's true.

00:56:36Um...

00:56:38Rebecca got sick and we couldn't find a sitter, so...

00:56:42I have to introduce you to my daughters.

00:56:44Mary and Melinda.

00:56:46This is Eva.

00:56:48Hi.

00:56:50I like your outfit.

00:56:52Thank you.

00:56:54I make dresses.

00:56:56I make princess dresses.

00:56:58I could make you a princess dress.

00:57:00Would you like that?

00:57:02I'm going back to my house after dinner.

00:57:04I have lots of dresses.

00:57:06We could play dress-up.

00:57:08I kind of want to hang out with these princesses.

00:57:10They're pretty cool.

00:57:14I'm having a food orgasm right now.

00:57:16Oh, yeah?

00:57:18Oh, yeah.

00:57:20What's an orgasm?

00:57:22Um...

00:57:24It's happiness.

00:57:26Hey, right?

00:57:28Lots of music.

00:57:30Fashion show.

00:57:32Oh, that sounds fun.

00:57:34We're going to have a little catwalk.

00:57:36What do you say?

00:57:38Yes!

00:57:40Ready?

00:57:42Here we go.

00:57:54Go, big sister.

00:57:56Yay!

00:57:58Come do your thing.

00:58:00Oh, my goodness.

00:58:02Oh, I don't think I need to do that.

00:58:04Oh, I don't think you need to.

00:58:06What is that?

00:58:08It looks like a violin show.

00:58:10Yay!

00:58:12Yay!

00:58:14Yeah!

00:58:16Let's go.

00:58:18Yeah.

00:58:20I'm a kitty cat.

00:58:22Meow, meow.

00:58:24Meow, meow.

00:58:38Coming.

00:58:40Phew.

00:58:42Phew.

00:58:52Hello.

00:58:54Hi, it's me.

00:58:56Hi.

00:58:58Hey, what are you doing?

00:59:00Look, I'm just having a few people over, yeah?

00:59:02Do you want to come by?

00:59:04Yeah.

00:59:06Yeah, all right.

00:59:08Oh.

00:59:10Oh.

00:59:26In for the next round, yeah?

00:59:28No, you won't, bud.

00:59:30Come on.

00:59:36It's so good to see you.

00:59:38I'm so glad you called.

00:59:40You want a bump?

00:59:42Oh, I'm sorry, I don't do drugs. I'm on lightweight.

00:59:46Glad you want to dance, yeah?

00:59:48Yeah.

00:59:52I took too much of this tonight.

00:59:54You want some?

00:59:56Yeah, thank you.

00:59:58No?

01:00:00No.

01:00:04I've been thinking about you a lot.

01:00:06You have?

01:00:08Why haven't you called?

01:00:10Well, look in my eyes, tell me what I'm thinking.

01:00:12Um, I don't know.

01:00:14No, no.

01:00:16Talk to me.

01:00:18How do you feel?

01:00:20I like you.

01:00:22You do?

01:00:24Yeah.

01:00:26I love you, yeah?

01:00:28Don't you know that, yeah?

01:00:30Can't you tell?

01:00:32Sometimes I can't talk unless I'm wasted, yeah?

01:00:34I get scared.

01:00:36I'm going to talk to you now, yeah?

01:00:38I love you.

01:00:40I love you.

01:00:42Do you see it in my eyes, yeah?

01:00:44Can you feel it?

01:00:46I love you.

01:00:48I love you.

01:00:50I love you.

01:00:52I love you.

01:00:56I love you.

01:00:58I love you.

01:01:00I love you.

01:01:12My heart's beating really fast.

01:01:14Have you got Valium?

01:01:16No.

01:01:18Xanax?

01:01:20Michael?

01:01:23Look, it's all right.

01:01:25I'll just talk to my heart, yeah?

01:01:27Look, I'll make it come down, yeah?

01:01:29Do you want me to turn the music up?

01:01:31No, no, no, it's fine.

01:01:33I can do it, yeah? I can make it.

01:01:35Make it come down.

01:01:37Do you want to have sex?

01:01:39Whoa, whoa, whoa.

01:01:41Babe, I'm not sure that hurts, yeah?

01:01:46I never felt that way before.

01:01:48The way you made me feel.

01:01:51Sex was beautiful.

01:01:53I didn't have to feel bad about it.

01:01:55Okay.

01:01:57I felt really good about myself.

01:01:59Well, that's great, babe, but

01:02:01I don't think I can have sex right now.

01:02:04Oh, God, I hope I don't have to go to the emergency room again.

01:02:07Oh, my God.

01:02:10And then I made him lick it.

01:02:12And he did the whole alphabet.

01:02:13For 45 minutes, I looked at the clock.

01:02:15What? Oh, my God.

01:02:17I know.

01:02:18And then I made him do my laundry.

01:02:20Now I have the power.

01:02:22Did you ask him if he was seeing the other girls?

01:02:24Oh, no, I forgot.

01:02:28Well, maybe your power isn't very powerful

01:02:30because you got him off and he didn't get what you wanted.

01:02:32My power's very powerful.

01:02:34Why do you ask for what you want?

01:02:37I try to talk to him, but it's like...

01:02:42Nothing comes out.

01:02:44What is wrong with me?

01:02:46I mean, I can talk to you guys, but I cannot talk to him.

01:02:49It's like when I'm around him, I just...

01:02:51It makes me so nervous that I'm not myself.

01:02:53I'm like a unicorn.

01:02:55Everyone knows you can't see a unicorn

01:02:57unless you believe in them.

01:03:00It's like he can't see how magic I really am.

01:03:06Everyone can see it. It's super obvious.

01:03:08Yeah.

01:03:13What if I ask him for what I want?

01:03:17He leaves me.

01:03:19You should try.

01:03:21Sometimes I don't even know what I want.

01:03:23I think you're being too hard on yourself.

01:03:26Okay, what candle did you bring?

01:03:30The white candle.

01:03:32For healing.

01:03:34Okay.

01:03:35We all say,

01:03:37I wish to remove anything negative from my life.

01:03:40I wish to remove anything negative from my life.

01:03:44And so must it be.

01:03:57Oh, and I wish for a unicorn.

01:04:01Are you dating other women?

01:04:03Why are you talking in that weird voice?

01:04:05I'm trying to sound powerful.

01:04:07I thought that's what turned you on last time.

01:04:09Well, yeah, it turned me on that you asked for what you wanted.

01:04:12I just never knew what you were thinking before

01:04:14because you just always agreed with everything I said.

01:04:16Well, I don't agree with a lot of things you say.

01:04:18Maybe listen to me for once.

01:04:20Okay.

01:04:21Stop dating other women.

01:04:22Are you dating other women?

01:04:24Well, there are two other women that I sometimes see.

01:04:29Pick me and only me.

01:04:33I'll think about it.

01:04:36And then she uncovers her true erotic nature

01:04:38and defeats the killer inside herself,

01:04:40with her own self-limiting beliefs.

01:04:42Well, that sounds like a real blockbuster.

01:04:44Well, actually, I do think it has potential to be a real blockbuster

01:04:47because what we've done here is we've satisfied the demands of the genre

01:04:50while also creating something truly original.

01:04:54Oh, sorry, man.

01:04:55I almost fell asleep with what you're saying because it's boring as shit.

01:04:58Hey, do you want to have sex in the bathroom

01:05:00or do you want to reject me like my own mother did, huh?

01:05:02Why did you break up with me, huh?

01:05:04Why did you break up when all I wanted to do was love you and mentor you

01:05:06and help you achieve your true potential?

01:05:08I'm sorry, I don't know what to say.

01:05:10I hate that you're not into me. It makes me so much more attracted to you.

01:05:12All when I thought you were desperate and too old

01:05:14to bear children without birth defects.

01:05:16Oh, that's so out of line.

01:05:17I'm so relieved that you find me attractive,

01:05:19but when can Linda read the script that we wrote?

01:05:21I don't want you speaking directly to Linda anymore, okay?

01:05:24And here's another piece of advice for you.

01:05:26Your boobs are too big, okay?

01:05:28They're too big and they're flopping around

01:05:30and they make you look like a bimbo, all right, and you look like a dummy.

01:05:32That's why your directing career hasn't gotten off the ground yet

01:05:35because you look like a big, booby dummy.

01:05:37Well, that's great advice.

01:05:38Should I cut my boobs off so I can seem smarter?

01:05:40No, you shouldn't cut your boobs off, okay?

01:05:42But what you could do is, you could mash them down a little bit.

01:05:45You could take, you know what you could do?

01:05:47You could saran wrap them, okay?

01:05:49I do it to my dick when I'm on vacation in France.

01:05:51I got a big dick and it fucking goes right here and I tape it here.

01:05:59My bodacious ta-tas honor me and they honor you.

01:06:02Should I be taking notes on some of the stuff

01:06:04for the sexual harassment lawsuit we're all going to?

01:06:06Hey, don't make me load my emotional gun, okay, dude?

01:06:10Because I'm one step away from loading this emotional gun, dude.

01:06:13Cool.

01:06:17That dress looks so great on you.

01:06:19Why are you going out with Darren again?

01:06:21You should be going out with a licker.

01:06:23I mean, there's no contest. You either get licked or you don't.

01:06:26I was married to Darren for 14 years.

01:06:29I have to give him another chance.

01:06:31Yeah, you don't want him to miss out on another chance

01:06:34of not going down on you again.

01:06:36Okay, I just texted Mark and I made a date tonight, 10 p.m.,

01:06:38butchers and barbers.

01:06:40And then I said, will you lick me all over after?

01:06:42No!

01:06:43I didn't say that.

01:06:44This is how we must enact the good guy pact.

01:06:46Give it to me.

01:06:47Fuck you!

01:07:00Hi, babe.

01:07:01Hey.

01:07:02Good to see you.

01:07:04Glad you're feeling better.

01:07:08Hey, I'm Honey.

01:07:09And I'm Candy.

01:07:10Oh.

01:07:12All kinds of laws and just cool.

01:07:14I thought it was just going to be us tonight.

01:07:15Yeah, oh, of course, of course.

01:07:17I can take it from here.

01:07:20Don't fuck with her.

01:07:21Okay, so it's time to go.

01:07:24I'll talk to you guys later.

01:07:26Let's go.

01:07:27Don't forget your date tonight at 10.

01:07:30You have a date?

01:07:32Tonight?

01:07:33Yes, she has a date.

01:07:37With who?

01:07:38Not helping.

01:07:40Okay, come on.

01:07:43So, I don't care, but who are you dating?

01:07:48I'm not.

01:07:49I don't care.

01:07:50Okay, well, I might see Mark later because I just, you know, ran into him the other day.

01:07:55You're dating my friend, Mark.

01:07:56No, I'm not dating him.

01:07:58No, I'm not dating him.

01:07:59I said I don't care.

01:08:00We hung out a little bit.

01:08:01I don't care.

01:08:02Okay.

01:08:03I don't care.

01:08:06Did you fuck Mark?

01:08:07What?

01:08:08No, I mean, come on.

01:08:11Yes, I did.

01:08:13Oh, my God.

01:08:14Oh, my God.

01:08:15It's none of your business.

01:08:16You fucked my friend.

01:08:17You fucked my friend.

01:08:18Of course, that's my business.

01:08:19Forget it.

01:08:20Forget I mentioned it.

01:08:21How could I forget that?

01:08:22He's my friend.

01:08:23We go on vacations together.

01:08:24We went biking in Tuscany.

01:08:25That was a horrible trip.

01:08:26Just forget it, okay?

01:08:27I don't care about Mark.

01:08:28I love you.

01:08:29I love you, honey.

01:08:30I love you.

01:08:31Okay?

01:08:32Where do you want to go?

01:08:33I don't care.

01:08:34Where do you want to go?

01:08:35We'll go to Butcher's and Barber's.

01:08:36No, we are not.

01:08:37Stop it.

01:08:38Don't be a child.

01:08:39Do not be a child.

01:08:40Yes, you are.

01:08:41I'm being an extremely angry adult.

01:08:42All right.

01:08:43That's a huge difference.

01:08:44Get it out here because we're not going there.

01:08:45Are you going to open my door?

01:08:46Of course I am.

01:08:47Thank you.

01:08:48I'm going to go.

01:08:49I'm going to go.

01:08:50I'm going to go.

01:08:51I'm going to go.

01:08:52I'm going to go.

01:08:53I'm going to go.

01:08:57Oh, Mark?

01:08:58Darren?

01:08:59Mark?

01:09:00Darren.

01:09:01Darren.

01:09:03I always knew you wanted to fuck my wife.

01:09:06Whoa.

01:09:07We're there.

01:09:10You're right.

01:09:11Oh, God.

01:09:13Just deny it at least.

01:09:15At least deny it for appearances.

01:09:17For crying out loud.

01:09:19Is what?

01:09:20Is this expensive?

01:09:21Mark, oh my God.

01:09:23How do you like me now, huh?

01:09:25Stop it.

01:09:26Really?

01:09:27Yeah.

01:09:28Yeah.

01:09:29Stop it.

01:09:30Chin kicks.

01:09:31Yeah.

01:09:32Stop it.

01:09:33You know I took kung fu?

01:09:34Okay.

01:09:35Huh?

01:09:36He took like two karate classes.

01:09:37Oh, my God.

01:09:38Oh, my God, Darren.

01:09:39Stop it.

01:09:40He drank a Red Bull in the car.

01:09:41He's really sensitive to caffeine.

01:09:42He drank a Red Bull in the car.

01:09:43Hang on.

01:09:44Hang on.

01:09:45Hang on.

01:09:46Oh, wow.

01:09:47Big man, huh?

01:09:48Settle down.

01:09:49Big man with a restaurant and a washed poor face.

01:09:51Sensei Doug would be horrified.

01:09:53Guess what?

01:09:54Ask her who she wants.

01:09:55Oh, I'm not doing that.

01:09:56No, no.

01:09:57Ask her who she wants.

01:09:58Who do you want?

01:09:59I'm not going to answer that.

01:10:00You have to choose.

01:10:03This or Thor.

01:10:21You came.

01:10:22I'm glad you called me back.

01:10:24I missed you.

01:10:26You look really beautiful.

01:10:28Thank you.

01:10:29Have you thought more about monogamy?

01:10:33You really love that word.

01:10:36Can we talk about that later?

01:10:37I mean, this is a really important party.

01:10:39I want to talk about it now.

01:10:41Honestly.

01:10:43That's Steve Evans.

01:10:46That's the guy that picks all the TED speakers.

01:10:51I got to talk to him.

01:10:52Now?

01:10:53Yeah, come on.

01:11:01Steve.

01:11:02Hey, how are you, man?

01:11:04Daniel Peters.

01:11:05From the e-mails.

01:11:07From the e-mails.

01:11:08Yeah.

01:11:09Isn't that great?

01:11:10Yeah.

01:11:11We got to get together, man.

01:11:12You know?

01:11:13Let's go to bed.

01:11:14Oh, this is Candy.

01:11:16Hi.

01:11:17Hi.

01:11:18Is this your girlfriend?

01:11:19No.

01:11:20I'm a free agent.

01:11:21I'm interested in making lots of sexual connections

01:11:24because I can't be tied down by monogamy.

01:11:26Really?

01:11:28Interesting.

01:11:30What do you do, Candy?

01:11:32I study the significance of ritual,

01:11:36and also I hate monogamy.

01:11:38Give me some casual sex, please.

01:11:41Me too.

01:11:42Yeah, that's great.

01:11:44Daniel, you have fascinating friends.

01:11:48Well, actually, it's more than a friend.

01:11:50Am I?

01:11:51I would love to learn more about this.

01:11:53Could I get your number?

01:11:55Sure, Steve.

01:11:57Hang on.

01:11:58It's good.

01:11:59I got my phone.

01:12:00I'll connect you guys.

01:12:01I got my phone.

01:12:02I could probably just connect you.

01:12:03Why don't you just type it in yourself?

01:12:04And is it Candy with an I?

01:12:06With a Y.

01:12:07Oh, why not?

01:12:08Why would it be with an I, you know?

01:12:11You guys are all handsome guys.

01:12:13You know what I'm talking about.

01:12:14That's a fast-paced Hollywood lifestyle.

01:12:15You know how many girls I've had sex with?

01:12:1721.

01:12:18And I'm only 35.

01:12:19And I've eaten 12 pussies.

01:12:20Most of them on the girls I fuck.

01:12:22Hey.

01:12:23Hey.

01:12:24I got your text.

01:12:26One second, guys.

01:12:27I'll be right back.

01:12:28Follow me.

01:12:29I got a piss out of my cock.

01:12:30Did Linda read my script?

01:12:31Yeah, she agreed with a few things about it,

01:12:33so I got rid of her.

01:12:35You got rid of her?

01:12:37Yeah.

01:12:38And it turns out I got some new financiers for the movie,

01:12:41so it doesn't matter what Linda thinks.

01:12:43Oh, plus, you're fired.

01:12:47Well, great, because I quit.

01:12:49And I'm going to write my own movie

01:12:51about a woman having a religious orgasm,

01:12:53and no one stabs her in the ass.

01:12:55Well, first of all, you can't quit after I fire you.

01:12:57A person can be smart and have big boobs.

01:12:59And people are going to watch my movie,

01:13:01and people are going to love it.

01:13:03No one respects you, big boobs.

01:13:08You know, I used to want to be you.

01:13:11But all success in the world doesn't make you happy, does it?

01:13:17I have friends, and you don't have any friends.

01:13:19And I'm happy.

01:13:23Yeah, I guess you know what?

01:13:24Maybe I'm not so happy in my life.

01:13:28Maybe if we had sex in this bathroom,

01:13:30I might be happy about that.

01:13:31So why don't you get on your knees, baby?

01:13:33Fuck you.

01:13:47Oh, wow.

01:13:50Sorry you didn't come.

01:13:54You know what I love about you?

01:13:56You're so comforting, you know?

01:13:59Here's the thing.

01:14:01Sex dies in every relationship.

01:14:06So maybe we should be together.

01:14:08What?

01:14:09I'm just, I'm losing my passion for Chandra, you know?

01:14:12You know, I just don't want anyone to get hurt.

01:14:14Oh, my God.

01:14:15Chandra broke up with you.

01:14:16That's why you're here.

01:14:17No, she's following One Direction for a little while.

01:14:19Oh, perfect.

01:14:21That's so perfect.

01:14:22I know.

01:14:23I'm a cliche.

01:14:25The handsome guy runs off with a younger, hot, sexy, fit, tight little girl.

01:14:31And then he gets bored, and he wants to come running home to mommy.

01:14:39Mommy?

01:14:40I'm not your mommy, okay?

01:14:42Okay, you don't understand.

01:14:43Here's the thing.

01:14:44I'm saving my sexual energy for my heart.

01:14:49Here's the thing.

01:14:50Here's the thing.

01:14:51I think maybe sex doesn't die for everyone.

01:14:53It just has died for you and your weird dick.

01:14:56And Mark couldn't wait to go down on me.

01:14:58He fucking loved going down, and I loved it.

01:15:01Ew, ew, ew.

01:15:02Oh, no.

01:15:03First of all, ew.

01:15:04Ew.

01:15:05Ew.

01:15:06You asked him to go down on you?

01:15:07No, I didn't ask him.

01:15:08He asked me.

01:15:09He begged me.

01:15:10Oh, my God.

01:15:11What an asshole.

01:15:12Stop.

01:15:13Don't stop.

01:15:14Stop it.

01:15:15He did.

01:15:16He said I had a beautiful butthole.

01:15:17Ha-ha.

01:15:18You want a line?

01:15:19No, thanks.

01:15:29Are you a drug addict?

01:15:31Why would you ask that?

01:15:33No reason.

01:15:37No.

01:15:38Look, that's just a piece of art, yeah?

01:15:41Just a piece of art about a feeling, you know?

01:15:44Just a feeling some people make me feel.

01:15:47So there's a lot of other people who think you're a drug addict?

01:15:50No, I just like to party and have a good time, that's all.

01:15:54Who else thinks you're a drug addict?

01:15:56Look, just my stupid family.

01:15:59Your family?

01:16:00Yeah, look, just because they give me money,

01:16:02it makes them think they've got the right to judge me, yeah?

01:16:06Look, come on.

01:16:07Let's get some food.

01:16:08Why does your family think you're a drug addict?

01:16:12Oh, freedom, yeah?

01:16:14I'm free from family shackles.

01:16:17Stop doing drugs.

01:16:19I'll help you.

01:16:25I love you.

01:16:29Yeah, I love you so much.

01:16:32And I've been thinking, yeah, I've got to get out of the city for a while.

01:16:37Look, sometimes a man, he needs to go and walk about.

01:16:40Yeah, I've got this big mountain to climb, yeah?

01:16:43A man, he needs to be able to climb these mountains.

01:16:46Do you understand?

01:16:47Not really.

01:16:48Are you talking about real mountains or...

01:16:49Look, I'm talking about the mountains that only a real man can climb, yeah?

01:16:52Because that's me.

01:16:54I'm a man.

01:16:57Can I come with you?

01:16:59No.

01:17:00No, I've got wars to fight, you see?

01:17:04Hey, maybe we'll reunite, yeah?

01:17:06In like five years.

01:17:07Five years?

01:17:11Come on, look in my eyes.

01:17:14What am I thinking?

01:17:16I don't know.

01:17:18Can two people ever really be together?

01:17:21Once they're together, can they ever be apart?

01:17:24These feelings, they'll always exist inside us.

01:17:30Maybe I'll come back for you one day.

01:17:33But maybe not.

01:17:36And remember, I left you better than I found you.

01:17:46I left you better than I found you?

01:17:48And then he went off to climb mountains.

01:17:50Probably mountains of cocaine.

01:17:52How could I have the amazing sex again?

01:17:54I think he was the one.

01:17:56No, he's not the one.

01:17:58You're the one.

01:17:59You're the only one that matters.

01:18:02These candles are dangerous, and they don't work.

01:18:05Let's do a spell for the power to make our dreams come true.

01:18:08We don't have power.

01:18:09We have low self-esteem.

01:18:10Okay, don't say that.

01:18:12Ah, the candles, ah!

01:18:14Stop it.

01:18:15Only a stupid idiot would believe in a magic candle.

01:18:17I believe in them.

01:18:18It's because you live in a fantasy world.

01:18:19What is going on?

01:18:20Look, I paid a lot of money for your candles,

01:18:22and I'm going to sue you for false advertising.

01:18:24Bought them from a candle employee.

01:18:26They're not magic.

01:18:27I hate the candles!

01:18:28No!

01:18:29Whoa, calm down.

01:18:30You guys all have your periods, right?

01:18:31That's it.

01:18:32The candles suck!

01:18:33All right, you know, this is your friend.

01:18:34I quit!

01:18:35She's not my friend!

01:18:37Because I'm not friends with people that think I'm stupid.

01:18:42And we're not in our periods!

01:18:46I mean, to be fair, I am on my period.

01:18:49It's towards the end of my cycle.

01:18:53It's only a matter of time for the rest of them, right?

01:18:55Would you just stop?

01:18:56Okay.

01:19:04Okay.

01:19:30You okay?

01:19:31Not really.

01:19:33You know what?

01:19:34Screw this place.

01:19:39Hey.

01:19:42Working with you has been the best part of my job.

01:19:47You know, I wanted to be the voice of modern feminism,

01:19:50but I'm a loser.

01:19:52And I don't think my friends will ever talk to me again,

01:19:54because I took a big crap on them,

01:19:56and then I crapped in front of them.

01:19:58I took an emotional shit.

01:20:00Everything's going to be okay.

01:20:02I believe in you, yo.

01:20:04And you do have a feminist voice.

01:20:06You're the full package.

01:20:08I think you're a package and a half.

01:20:11I'm a package and a half?

01:20:12Yeah.

01:20:13I'd even go so far as saying you're two packages.

01:20:16That's the nicest thing that anyone's ever said to me.

01:20:18It's the nicest thing I've ever said.

01:20:22Huh.

01:20:33Ah!

01:20:34Hello, I'm looking for the special unicorn lady

01:20:36who lives in this apartment and is very magical.

01:20:39Leave me alone.

01:20:41I'm living in my fantasy world.

01:20:44I'm sorry I was a jerk.

01:20:46I really miss you.

01:20:50Wow.

01:20:52I can't believe I did this.

01:20:54Thanks.

01:20:55Don't thank me.

01:20:56It's the candles.

01:20:57They really work.

01:20:58Stop making fun of me.

01:20:59I'm not.

01:21:00My life was depressing without your magic spells.

01:21:02Thank you.

01:21:03It's true.

01:21:04Listen, I have a great idea.

01:21:06How are you?

01:21:07Where are the clothes?

01:21:08I have to go now.

01:21:09I can't wait.

01:21:10Thank you.

01:21:11All right.

01:21:12The factory in Jakarta is running behind.

01:21:16Can we sell the magical candles in your store

01:21:18and use the profits to pay Candy's rent?

01:21:20I don't know.

01:21:21Maybe I have too much low self-esteem.

01:21:23I'm sorry that I projectile-vomited

01:21:25my low self-esteem onto you,

01:21:27and I promise to swallow it back down next time.

01:21:29Ew.

01:21:30That is the grossest analogy.

01:21:32Yes.

01:21:33You can sell candles here.

01:21:35Thank you.

01:21:37You guys look really cute.

01:21:39You're witches.

01:21:40Oh, I thought you were, like, mean cowgirls.

01:21:43Witches.

01:21:44It's better.

01:21:45It's better.

01:21:46Come sit.

01:21:47We'll set up over here.

01:21:48A lot of people are going to tell you

01:21:50you can't do things in real life,

01:21:52and I'm here to tell you that you can believe in yourself.

01:21:55And remember how amazing you really are.

01:22:01We sold so many.

01:22:03Wow.

01:22:04Witches are like the new vampires.

01:22:06It's shocking how many people are buying these things.

01:22:08The two children's dresses we made came in.

01:22:11What do you want to do with them?

01:22:13Oh.

01:22:14What's happening with Mark?

01:22:16We broke up.

01:22:17I forgot the good guy pact, and I chose Darren,

01:22:20and I really regret it.

01:22:22You've got to give those little girls their dresses.

01:22:24I'm pretty sure he never wants to see me again.

01:22:29Fine.

01:22:30What do you think?

01:22:31Maybe not, right?

01:22:32Oh, my God.

01:22:33Look.

01:22:34Geez.

01:22:35All right.

01:22:36Okay.

01:22:43He didn't come, so there you go.

01:22:46Not home, right?

01:22:48Oh, God.

01:22:49Hi.

01:22:50How are you?

01:22:53I know you probably don't want to see me.

01:22:56I made dresses for your daughters.

01:23:00Nice.

01:23:01Thank you.

01:23:03I'm sorry.

01:23:05So sorry.

01:23:06I sabotaged our relationship,

01:23:08and I'm sorry I treated you so badly

01:23:11when you're just, like, the greatest guy.

01:23:15You know, thanks for saying that,

01:23:17but I don't think we should see each other anymore.

01:23:24Um, for what it's worth, I broke up with Darren for good.

01:23:29I just...

01:23:31I don't think I liked myself enough to choose a good guy.

01:23:36I didn't think I deserved it.

01:23:38Nina!

01:23:39Hey, sweetie.

01:23:41I made you dresses.

01:23:43Yay!

01:23:44Come in.

01:23:45In, in, in.

01:23:54I like this dress.

01:23:56I'm having an orgasm.

01:24:04I feel it

01:24:08I feel it

01:24:11I feel it

01:24:15I feel it

01:24:19I feel love

01:24:23I mean, who knew getting a divorce could be so great?

01:24:26Yeah.

01:24:27What's going on with Daniel?

01:24:29Nothing.

01:24:30That's why we need a super powerful spell.

01:24:32I think we should call on all the elements to help us.

01:24:35Honey, are you in?

01:24:36I'm so in.

01:24:37I'm going to call on the elements.

01:24:38What are the elements?

01:24:39Uh, earth.

01:24:40Okay.

01:24:41Earth.

01:24:42Earth.

01:24:43Okay.

01:24:44I am going to...

01:24:45I don't know.

01:24:46I'm going to call on the earth and...

01:24:47Is that really dorky?

01:24:48No!

01:24:49No!

01:24:50No!

01:24:51I'm going to walk on it.

01:24:52Why not?

01:24:53Okay.

01:24:54What's up, earth?

01:24:55Okay, what's another element?

01:24:56Uh, wind.

01:24:57Okay.

01:24:58Okay.

01:24:59What about...

01:25:00Would incense count?

01:25:01Yeah!

01:25:02Sure.

01:25:03Alright.

01:25:04Um...

01:25:05We call on the wind.

01:25:10Am I imagining that?

01:25:12No.

01:25:13Whoa!

01:25:14So cool!

01:25:15So cool!

01:25:16Okay, what about water?

01:25:17Here, drink your drinks.

01:25:23I call on water!

01:25:28Ah!

01:25:30You made a rain!

01:25:32Candles or fire?

01:25:35Purple.

01:25:36For power.

01:25:37Power to get what we want.

01:25:40Say your wishes.

01:25:42I wish to light myself.

01:25:44So moot it be.

01:25:48I wish to know that I deserve the good things.

01:25:51So moot it be.

01:25:56I wish for love.

01:25:58And money.

01:25:59So moot it be.

01:26:02We ask the elements to help us with our heart's desires.

01:26:06This...

01:26:08For something better.

01:26:14Wow!

01:26:16If you believe in magic, then there's magic!

01:26:20Oh, my God!

01:26:22Oh, my God!

01:26:25Oh, my God!

01:26:27Oh, my God!

01:26:30Oh, my God!

01:26:32To truly experience ecstatic sex, you must first fall in love with yourself.

01:26:37Look at yourself in a mirror and say,

01:26:39I love you.

01:26:46I love you.

01:26:50I love you.

01:26:53Mm-hmm.

01:26:56Now look at your yoni in a mirror and admire its tremendous beauty.

01:27:07I love you.

01:27:09Discover what kind of pressure you like.

01:27:12Play music.

01:27:15I love you.

01:27:21I pull up to the club.

01:27:23I got my flag on.

01:27:25The music playing loud.

01:27:27Got plenty money, y'all.

01:27:29I see her looking at me.

01:27:31She got a pretty smile.

01:27:33So I'ma get a drink.

01:27:36Can you help me?

01:27:38I see to the head.

01:27:42Oh, God.

01:27:48Come on!

01:27:53Hail, hail, hail, and...

01:27:57Hail!

01:27:58Shut up!

01:28:06Take your shirt off.

01:28:07Don't, please. Please don't.

01:28:09Can I just leave it on?

01:28:11Can I... Okay.

01:28:14Um...

01:28:19I just... I don't want you to be disappointed.

01:28:25Why don't you let me be the judge of that?

01:28:39I love you.

01:28:54You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.

01:29:10Hi.

01:29:11Hi.

01:29:12Can I talk to you for a second?

01:29:13Okay.

01:29:14Um, I'm the old assistant who likes sluts.

01:29:16I know who you are.

01:29:17I liked your script.

01:29:18Thank you.

01:29:19So, I'm not working for Peter anymore.

01:29:21Good. He's a dick.

01:29:22Yeah.

01:29:23And I wrote a new script and I wanted to pitch it to you and I was hoping that you would read it.

01:29:27How did you find me?

01:29:28Well, I, um... I sold Peter's contacts.

01:29:31Oh, very sneaky. I like that.

01:29:33I'm sneaky. I want to be a filmmaker.

01:29:35Really? Have you directed before?

01:29:37No, just a short.

01:29:38Hmm. Well, okay.

01:29:40You can walk me to my car. I'll give you five minutes.

01:29:42Okay.

01:29:48Are you dating Steve?

01:29:51What? No!

01:29:57Let's be monogamous.

01:29:59Oh! Let's be monogamous right now!

01:30:01Yeah!

01:30:02Yes!

01:30:04Ah!

01:30:08Mm-hmm.

01:30:09I am going to get the biggest Cosmo they got.

01:30:11I'm going to get a double.

01:30:12I just love your boots. They're gorgeous.

01:30:14I know, right?

01:30:16Excuse me.

01:30:17Yes?

01:30:18Are you the priest from St. Francis of Assisi?

01:30:21Yes, I used to be.

01:30:24I used to go to your church when I was a kid.

01:30:26Oh!

01:30:28Well...

01:30:29Yeah.

01:30:33Didn't you used to preach that no one should have sex unless it was for the purpose of procreation?

01:30:36Oh, I used to say a lot of stuff.

01:30:38Now I just do what feels good.

01:30:40And what feels good is frank.

01:30:42Mm-hmm.

01:30:43Excuse me.

01:30:44But what about people who listen to what you said,

01:30:46and then they spent their lives feeling tormented?

01:30:48And what about hell?

01:30:50Sorry?

01:30:56Don't torment yourself.

01:30:58I think God wants us to be happy.

01:31:00So uncomfortable, right? I know.

01:31:06I know you're going to talk at Ted one day.

01:31:08You're so great.

01:31:10I love you.

01:31:11I love you.

01:31:13Thank you.

01:31:17You know Honey got me that unicorn?

01:31:19It's so cute.

01:31:21Unicorns are lame.

01:31:23You don't like unicorns?

01:31:25Eh.

01:31:26What?

01:31:27I... I...

01:31:29I'm not crazy about them.

01:31:32How can you not like unicorns?

01:31:35I... I think they're creepy.

01:31:37Creepy?

01:31:38Yes.

01:31:39Especially when they're looking over the bed.

01:31:42Look, a human interacting with a computer is interesting.

01:31:45You don't like it?

01:31:46No.

01:31:47You don't like it?

01:31:48No.

01:31:49You don't like it?

01:31:50No.

01:31:51You don't like it?

01:31:52A human interacting with a computer is interesting.

01:31:54But when a human interacts with a unicorn...

01:31:57Not as much.

01:31:58Unicorns are interesting.

01:32:01I just...

01:32:02I think you're a beautiful, lovely, attractive woman.

01:32:04I think you should just limit how much you talk about unicorns in front of people.

01:32:07Okay?

01:32:08I just don't want you to be uncomfortable when you meet the Ted people.

01:32:11So maybe not...

01:32:12You know, don't talk about them too much in front of everyone.

01:32:22I want to be monogamous, but not with you.

01:32:26What?

01:32:27I want to date other people.

01:32:29Are you kidding?

01:32:32I'm a unicorn.

01:32:34What?

01:32:36What are you saying?

01:32:37You don't like unicorns, and that's a deal breaker.

01:32:43Let's be friends.

01:32:52Okay.

01:33:23You are loved.

01:33:25This feeling is always inside of you.

01:33:53Hey.

01:33:54Hey.

01:33:56What are you doing here?

01:33:57Um, I wrote the script about the witches.

01:34:00Honey, that's incredible.

01:34:02Wow.

01:34:03That's great.

01:34:05How did you know where I live?

01:34:07I stole Peter's contacts, yo.

01:34:10You know, you're right.

01:34:11You're right.

01:34:12You're right.

01:34:13You're right.

01:34:14You're right.

01:34:15You're right.

01:34:16You're right.

01:34:17You're right.

01:34:18You're right.

01:34:19You're right.

01:34:20You're right.

01:34:21You know, you're really nice to me.

01:34:24And nice is sexy.

01:34:26Nice is sexy, yo.

01:34:27I learned this because I've been nicer to myself, and now I see it.

01:34:31See, I'm like a little tree.

01:34:32I need to nurture myself with some happy little thoughts, and that's what I did, yo.

01:34:38Blossom.

01:34:40Do you want to go on a date?

01:34:42More than ever.

01:34:47Ta-da!

01:34:49We're so proud of you.

01:34:50You're the winner!

01:34:52You're the orgasm champion!

01:34:54And the masturbating champion!

01:34:56I'm not sure who I was competing against, but I'm glad I won.

01:35:00I want to light a candle for our friendship, because I'm really grateful for you guys.

01:35:13I heard this music, and it made me think of you.

01:35:20I'm not sure who I was competing against, but I'm glad I won.

01:35:51Thank you.

01:36:07Thank you guys.

01:36:21Thank you.

01:36:23I don't know if I would say!

01:36:25Yes to orgasm!

01:36:26Yes to orgasm!

01:36:29Yes to orgasm!

01:36:35Yes to orgasm!

01:36:39Masters and Johnson taught us that an orgasm was just, you know, like up, down, like quick.

01:36:44It isn't. You can train yourself to have an extended, massive orgasm. Isn't that amazing?

01:36:54Who here would like to learn how to have an extended, massive orgasm?

01:36:59Who here would like to learn how to have an earth shattering orgasm?

01:37:06Who here would like to learn how to have an extended, massive orgasm?

01:37:11Who here would like to learn how to have an extended, massive orgasm?

01:37:16Who here would like to learn how to have an extended, massive orgasm?

01:37:21Who here would like to learn how to have an extended, massive orgasm?

01:37:26Sweet little puss.

01:37:57Just for one, don't you wanna know if magic is real?

01:38:00It's real, it's real, it's real.

01:38:03Just for one, don't you wanna know if magic is real?

01:38:07It's real, it's real, it's real.

01:38:10Just for one, don't you wanna know if magic is real?

01:38:13It's real, it's real, it's real.

01:38:16Just for one, don't you wanna know if magic is real?

01:38:20It's real, it's real, it's real.

01:38:23We kill the night, we kiss our darkness.

01:38:26We kiss the walls, the end of space.

01:38:29We stall the night, we stall the darkness.

01:38:33We stall the night, till the end of space.

01:38:36Just for one, don't you wanna know if magic is real?

01:38:40It's real, it's real, it's real.

01:38:54Just for one, just for one, don't you wanna know?

01:39:01Just for one, just for one, don't you wanna know?

01:39:07Just for one, don't you wanna know if magic is real?

01:39:12It's real, it's real, it's real.

01:39:15Just for one, don't you wanna know if magic is real?

01:39:19It's real, it's real, it's real.

01:39:22Just for one, don't you wanna know if magic is real?

01:39:26It's real, it's real, it's real.

01:39:29Just for one, don't you wanna know if magic is real?

01:39:33It's real, it's real, it's real.

01:39:36Just for one, don't you wanna know if magic is real?

01:39:39It's real, it's real, it's real.

01:39:42Just for one, don't you wanna know if magic is real?

01:39:46It's real, it's real, it's real.

01:39:52Presenting... Pussy!

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