Rocket Scientists vs. Body Piercers, 1999
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00:00I'm Brendan Fraser, you're watching Comedy Central, that's Fraser, not Frasier, if you say Frasier, I know where you live.
00:11Get ready for Versus!
00:14Tonight, it's the team that always has a rocket in its pocket.
00:20Versus!
00:22A team that enjoys long walks in the parks and getting punctured with big needles.
00:27That's right, it's rocket scientists versus body piercers on Versus!
00:32And now the man that puts the F-U in money, Brent Brooks!
00:45Welcome to Versus, the show that brings together two rival teams and pits them against one another on our field of mortal intellectual combat.
00:54But you don't have to be a genius to dig our bag, this show is for everyone.
00:58But mostly, the smart people.
01:00Tonight, it's boosters and thrusts versus needles and cuts.
01:04You know the teams, now let's meet the players.
01:07Joe, will you do the formalities?
01:09I certainly will.
01:10Let's meet Gabe, he knows it's not the size of the rocket but the payload that counts the most.
01:16Next we have Lori, she once expressed her displeasure to her lover by saying,
01:20Houston, we have a problem.
01:22And then there's Joe, he once was arrested for looking at black holes through someone else's telescope.
01:28They are the rocket scientists!
01:34Let's meet Scott, he enjoys piercing himself with his grandmother's knitting needles while she's using them.
01:40Next we have Taj, she says the best thing about her job is being able to touch people's genitals whether she wants to or not.
01:48Finally we have Wade, he once had his nipple pierced because he thought he'd save money on milk.
01:54And those are the body piercers!
01:56If you ask me, these teams are ready to rip each other to shreds!
02:01Thank you, Mr. List.
02:03Let the games begin.
02:05We're going to start things off with some general knowledge questions.
02:08Alright, everyone has a chance to ring in and every correct answer is worth 100 clams.
02:13If you get it wrong, you don't lose any points, but the other team has a chance to confer and steal the cash.
02:19All eyes on the gigantic versus board.
02:22Here is our first subject.
02:24Movies.
02:25And the categories are...
02:27Powerful contacts help Jane see more.
02:30Or, the unbearable loudness of beings.
02:36I don't write the news, I just reported piercers!
02:38Since you won the coin toss backstage, you pick the category.
02:42The unbearable loudness of beings.
02:44Alright, Scott.
02:46Here is the question.
02:47What 1974 Mel Brooks movie contains the silver screen's most classic campfire flatulence scene?
02:54Wade.
02:55Blazing Saddle.
02:56Correct!
03:01Off to a big start.
03:02In what 1973 film did James Seymour star opposite Roger Moore in his first appearance as James Bond?
03:09Scott.
03:10Ooh, The Spy Who Loved Me.
03:11So close, yet so wrong.
03:13Rocket Scientist.
03:15I guess this proves you have to be a rocket scientist to answer this question.
03:19Answer, please.
03:20For Your Eyes Only.
03:21So very wrong.
03:22Doesn't anyone remember Live and Let Die?
03:25Live and Let Die.
03:26When you were young and your heart was an open book, you used to say live and let live.
03:29You know you did.
03:30You know you did.
03:31You know you did.
03:32Let's move on to our next subject.
03:34Which is explorers.
03:36Mm-hmm.
03:38And the categories are, the circumcision left a Marco on his polo,
03:43and when two nuts need a sack, a joeya.
03:48No one got that right, but the piercers were last.
03:51Wade, why don't you choose?
03:52I guess we'll go with when two nuts need a sack of joeya.
03:56All righty.
03:57From 1804 to 1806, what two explorers set out on an expedition to the Pacific Northwest
04:04with the aid of an American Indian woman named Sacagawea?
04:07Scott.
04:08Lewis and Clark.
04:09Lewis and Clark.
04:10Absolutely right.
04:15Rocket scientists.
04:17We're playing a game here.
04:18Oh, yeah.
04:19Okay, then.
04:20Here comes the next question.
04:21While in prison, Italian explorer Marco Polo wrote a book detailing his visits
04:26in the court of what Mongol grandson of Genghis Khan?
04:31Anyone, everyone?
04:33Nobody?
04:34Pathetic.
04:35Audience, I think we all know the answer to this.
04:37Kublai Khan.
04:39Kublai Khan.
04:40Oh, right.
04:41Grandson of Genghis Khan.
04:44Oh, I see.
04:45We're above that because we pierce.
04:48We don't need that information.
04:49Rocket scientists, you have zero.
04:50Just want to remind you.
04:52We're all feeling pretty superior to you right now.
04:54I can guarantee you that.
04:56Let's move on to our next subject, which is current events.
05:01And the categories are how a bill becomes a lawbreaker
05:05and check out the tail on that heavenly body.
05:09Taj, we haven't heard from you.
05:11How a bill becomes a lawbreaker.
05:12All right.
05:13As chairman of the House Judiciary Committee,
05:16what U.S. representative led the prosecution in the impeachment of President Bill Clinton?
05:21Wade.
05:22Henry Hyde.
05:23Henry Hyde is absolutely correct.
05:25All right.
05:31Here's our next one.
05:32In 1997, the Hale-Bopp comet inspired the purple shrouded suicides
05:36of what California-based cult?
05:38Joe.
05:39It was led by David Koresh.
05:41No, that's not it either.
05:42No, you're absolutely wrong about that as well.
05:44Not only were you wrong, you were wildly wrong.
05:46I think you'll find David Koresh was at Waco with the Branch Davidians.
05:49But let's go for another cult, shall we?
05:51Sorry?
05:52No, no partial credit.
05:54You were incredibly wrong on both counts.
05:56All right.
05:57We need an answer from you, Piercers.
05:59Sorry, we don't know.
06:00Wow.
06:01What a Teflon-induced bong hit this decade has been, ladies and gentlemen.
06:05So much for short-term memory.
06:07I think you'll find it was Heaven's Gate.
06:09Heaven's Gate.
06:10Named after the fantastic movie of the same name,
06:13which also caused an equal amount of suicides.
06:16Let's move on to our next subject, shall we?
06:19Of course we shall.
06:20We have nothing else to do, which is...
06:22Huey Lewis' best album, Sports.
06:24And the categories are...
06:26Canadia, America's Bitch.
06:29And Excuse Me, But Your Johnson Is Dribbling.
06:33Scott, I'm digging your right arm.
06:36Why don't you pick?
06:37Excuse Me, But Your Johnson Is Dribbling.
06:38Is it?
06:39Oh.
06:40And I'm Wearing the Adult Host Diaper.
06:44Irvin Magic Johnson led what college basketball team
06:47to the 1978-79 NCAA championship?
06:52Wade.
06:53North Carolina.
06:54So close, but I think you'll find that was Michael Jordan.
06:57That was much later.
06:59Rocket Scientists, we're waiting for a correct answer from you still.
07:02Joe.
07:04Duke.
07:06No.
07:10That would be Michigan State University.
07:14All right, carrying on.
07:16In what Canadian city does the National Hockey League's Oilers
07:19play their home games?
07:21Joe.
07:22Toronto.
07:25Joe, I'd love to give you that answer,
07:27pretty much because I feel sorry for you at this point.
07:30But I'm afraid that's not right.
07:31Piercers, swoop in with another Canadian town, won't you?
07:34Well, I think we're gonna go with Edmonton.
07:36Edmonton is absolutely correct.
07:41Whoo!
07:42I am just, I'm beside myself, because at the end of Round 1,
07:46the score is the Body Piercers, 400,
07:48the Rocket Scientists, zero.
07:51But stick around, because when we get back,
07:53we're gonna get wicked jiggy.
07:55Sit where you are.
08:05Coming up...
08:15Welcome back to Versus.
08:17After the general acknowledge round,
08:19the Rocket Scientists are getting their butts kicked,
08:22ladies and gentlemen.
08:23I noticed you were deficient in some of the categories.
08:25How's the outlook for the second round here?
08:27Looking good.
08:28Okay, all right.
08:29Piercers.
08:30Hello.
08:31Hi.
08:32Hey.
08:33Did you guys go to university?
08:35Yeah.
08:36Really?
08:37Yeah.
08:38Where?
08:39University of Hard Knocks.
08:40Absolutely, dude.
08:41And I want you to notice, ladies and gentlemen,
08:43that he's answered almost all the questions so far.
08:47So stick that where your Pell Grant goes.
08:51Now the questions are going to focus on both of your very, very bizarre and different worlds.
08:55There are five questions written for each team.
08:57If you answer a question in your category, 200 clams.
09:00If you answer a question from the other team's category, it's worth 400 pendrocleons.
09:05A wrong answer is going to cost you 200.
09:07Because this is a timed round, there is strategy involved.
09:11Since the rocket scientists are behind, in fact, they have zero,
09:14you can pick from your side of the board or you may poach a question from your opponent.
09:19Since the rocket scientists are behind, in fact, they have zero,
09:20you can pick from your side of the board or you may poach a question from your opponent.
09:22Your choices are...
09:24Mere Death Experiences or...
09:27Salving Private Ryan.
09:30All right, Gabe, why don't you choose?
09:33Oh, let's go with Salving Private Ryan.
09:35Oh, you're poaching.
09:36I call that bold.
09:38Here we go.
09:39Along with vitamin C, regular doses of what metallic mineral element
09:43helps to speed up the post-pierce healing process?
09:47Taj.
09:48Zinc.
09:49Zinc is correct.
09:55Well, you can poach the rocket scientist or you can move on to your category,
09:58which is take another little pierce of my heart and liver.
10:04I'll have to poach Mere Death Experiences.
10:07Nicely done, Taj. Here we go.
10:09Rocket scientists, listen carefully.
10:11You may get one.
10:13In June of 1995, what U.S. space shuttle made history
10:17when it docked with the Russian space station Mir?
10:21This is a rocket question I would like to remind everyone.
10:24Joe.
10:25Columbia.
10:26No, Joe.
10:28That is so wrong.
10:31Piercers.
10:33Challenger.
10:34So close, but you'll remember the Challenger met another fate.
10:38I think you'll find it was the Atlantis.
10:41Atlantis, way down below the ocean.
10:44That's where I want to be.
10:47Taj, you rock my world. Pick.
10:49It's either take another pierce or you can poach with luck in space.
10:55I'll stick with take another little piece of my heart and liver.
10:58All righty.
11:00What spring-loaded guns that pierce the ear with a sharp metal stud
11:04can transmit what viral disease that causes liver damage?
11:08Scott.
11:09Hepatitis.
11:10Hepatitis is correct.
11:13Rocket scientist, do you have any piercings?
11:16Like ears?
11:17Ears.
11:18Uh-huh.
11:19Those are close to the brain.
11:22All right.
11:23It's lust in space or I'm not kinky,
11:26I just like to have a stud in my nose.
11:30Taj, you still rule.
11:31You're the queen.
11:32Go.
11:33I'm going to poach this time.
11:34I'm going to go with lust in space.
11:35Rocket scientist.
11:36Yes, exactly.
11:37Pay close attention.
11:39In the 1997 sci-fi flick Contact,
11:42what actress travels into space and falls for Matthew McConaughey?
11:46Scott.
11:47Jodie Foster.
11:48Oh, that is so right.
11:50It's right and you know it.
11:52Here's our next category.
11:54Faster than a biker on crystal meth
11:58or you can stay with yours.
12:00Scott, you choose.
12:01Oh, I'm poaching, definitely.
12:02Faster than a biker on crystal meth.
12:04All right.
12:05Crystal meth.
12:06Faster than a biker on crystal meth.
12:08All right.
12:09Crystal meth, something we all enjoyed
12:11that the science majors made at the dorms.
12:13Here we go.
12:14Who was the first pilot to break the sound barrier
12:17in the X-1 rocket?
12:19Joe.
12:20Chuck Yeager.
12:21Oh.
12:22Oh, my God.
12:34Yes, it was Chuck Yeager.
12:36He broke the sound barrier using only the power of one Delco battery.
12:42You get to choose.
12:43It's either your category, which is the first probe was pleasant,
12:46but re-entry was painful,
12:48or you may poach.
12:51Uh, you know what?
12:52I think we're going to have to poach
12:53and get some points back,
12:54so we'll go with I'm not kinky,
12:55I'd just like to have a stud in my nose.
12:57Excellent strategy, Joe.
12:59What singer of Where Have All the Cowboys Gone
13:02is known for her dangling armpit hair and nose ring?
13:06Taj.
13:07Joan Osborne.
13:08So close, yet so wrong.
13:11Conferring, I must have an answer, rocket scientists.
13:15Professor Goddard, anyone?
13:16Gabe?
13:17They don't have an answer.
13:18We know she has blonde hair.
13:20Dark hair.
13:21Under her arms?
13:24I assume the dark hair carries on everywhere.
13:27That would be Paula Cole, Paula Cole.
13:32That annoying bell signifies the end of round two,
13:34where the score stands at an impressive 800 for the body piercers
13:39and a pathetic zero for the rocket scientists.
13:42When we come back, what we laughingly refer to as combat will continue.
13:46Stay where you are.
13:47See you next time on Comedy Central's new game show, Versus.
13:51It's Mensa versus Polish people
13:54in a challenge for intellectual domination.
13:57Here we go.
13:58Watch Versus tomorrow at 5, only on Comedy Central.
14:18Welcome back to Versus, my evil woodland creatures.
14:22It all comes down to this.
14:23The body piercers lead the rocket scientists.
14:25The winners keep their cash.
14:27The losers leave here broken and humiliated,
14:29but not empty-handed.
14:30Mr. List, explain why.
14:32Okay, Greg.
14:33Each loser will receive Cutco's Kitchenette cutlery set.
14:37It comes with the five most commonly used kitchen tools
14:40and a convenient storage tray.
14:42Quality cutlery made by Cutco.
14:45Thank you, Joe.
14:47Yes, the five most commonly used kitchen tools,
14:50and I think we all enjoy the short shiv knife
14:52for threatening fruit.
14:54All right, you guys, rocket scientists,
14:57you know what's ahead of you here.
14:59A long, hard climb.
15:01Mm-hmm.
15:02Okay.
15:03Body piercers, how are you feeling?
15:04Smooth.
15:05Smooth.
15:06You have got more paint on you than a motorbike.
15:09You've got more paint on you than a motorbike.
15:12You have got more paint on you than a Maori warrior,
15:15and I am digging it.
15:17All right, here we go.
15:18Each of you will get three questions, and that's it.
15:20Ring in as soon as you think you know what the answer is.
15:23If you get it right, 250 clams.
15:25If you get it wrong, we deduct 250 from your total.
15:28All of the questions in this round can be answered
15:31by one of these three choices.
15:33Studs, scuds, or spuds.
15:38Please enunciate, because I am high on Sudafed.
15:43Here we go.
15:45Harrison Ford and Ed Bradley each have one in their ear.
15:50Stud.
15:51Stud is correct.
15:57They rained down on Israel when who...
16:00Yes.
16:01Scuds.
16:02Scuds is correct.
16:05Several cities in Idaho could be obliter...
16:08Scuds.
16:09No, that's not right.
16:10Oh.
16:11Could be obliterated by these Soviet-made rockets.
16:14All right.
16:15Joe.
16:16What are intercontinental ballistic missiles?
16:18You know, if you'll look at the board, you'll see that...
16:21All of the answers are either one of those.
16:24Scuds, scuds, or spuds.
16:26Let's look over here, gentlemen.
16:28Let's just take a look.
16:30Does anyone see intercontinental ballistic missiles on the board?
16:34Oh, yes, I do.
16:35It's hidden underneath here.
16:37It's in the subtext.
16:40Apparently, we weren't smart enough to see that.
16:42All right.
16:45You're incorrect, Joe.
16:47Get your tired butt away from me,
16:48and let's bring on the next two contestants.
16:53Come here, my diamonds.
16:55It's Laurie and Taj.
16:56Are you ready?
16:57Yeah, yeah.
16:58And remember, use of the phrase
17:00intercontinental ballistic missile
17:02will not be allowed in round three.
17:05Here we go.
17:06You have to poke their eyes out before you...
17:08Yes, Laurie.
17:09Spuds.
17:10Spuds.
17:15It was the nickname of a Budweiser mascot.
17:19Studs.
17:20Oh, no.
17:22Yes, you.
17:23Laurie.
17:24Spuds.
17:25Spuds is right.
17:28Almost.
17:29Commonly mashed by the Patriot missile.
17:32Yes, my darling.
17:33Spuds.
17:34Spuds is wrong.
17:35Laurie, can you do it?
17:36Scuds?
17:37Scuds, yes.
17:39Moving on.
17:41Oh, my gosh, ladies and gentlemen.
17:43The rocket scientists are actually in the lead.
17:47The numbers don't deceive.
17:48Piercers, you have got to get it on.
17:51Here we go.
17:52Military experts would correctly identify them as tubers.
17:56Rocket scientists.
17:58Spuds.
18:00I may need a ruling on that one, baby.
18:03Yes, is right.
18:04Spuds.
18:08Out on the farm, racehorses often achieve this status.
18:12Studs.
18:13Studs.
18:14Last question.
18:16After the Gulf War, it was a show hosted by Mark DiCarlo.
18:20Piercers.
18:21Studs.
18:22Studs is correct.
18:23The rocket scientists are the winners.
18:26The rocket scientists themselves are snatching victory from the jaws of defeat.
18:32Rocket scientists, don't go anywhere because when we come back,
18:36we'll see just how smart they think they are.
18:39You're welcome back.
18:57Well, the rocket scientists are the winners.
18:59Yes.
19:00I didn't think you could do it, but you did it.
19:06Body piercers, I just got to say, word up.
19:08I dig your look a little more than I dig the rocket scientists.
19:11I'm not that into pale blue anymore.
19:14The scientists have won a total of 1,000 clams,
19:17which is, of course, yours to keep.
19:19Now we're gonna see if you can't win some more dash.
19:21All right, it's time for the grand finale.
19:24I will ask you one question.
19:25Get it right, and you'll win a grand, 1,000 clams.
19:28If you get it wrong, the body piercers
19:30will have a chance to get it.
19:32Here are the two subjects you can choose from.
19:35Gaze upon the board in breathless wonder.
19:3716th-century Elizabethan dramatists or space men?
19:42The choice is clear. The choice is yours.
19:47R.S.'s, what are you gonna do?
19:49We're gonna go with 16th-century Elizabethan dramatists.
19:54Nicely played.
19:56Very bold. Here we go.
19:58The first English playwright to compose in blank verse
20:01what Elizabethan dramatist wrote,
20:03The Tragical History of Dr. Faustus.
20:06You have 10 seconds.
20:07Dr. Faustus is not Faust.
20:10Remember, contestants on Versus stay at their own homes
20:13and get to the studio in their own cars.
20:18All right, we need an answer.
20:20You've got to tell me who this Elizabethan dramatist was, Joe.
20:25You want the person, or do you want the type of verse
20:27it was written in?
20:29No, we know that it was composed in blank verse.
20:31We need the dramatist what wrote
20:33The Tragical History of Dr. Faustus.
20:37And we need the answer really soon.
20:40Shakespeare is incorrect.
20:41Pursers, you're on board.
20:44You have several seconds.
20:47You have several seconds to confer.
20:49We know that it isn't Shakespeare.
20:51We know that it isn't Gwyneth Paltrow.
20:54Do you have an answer for us?
20:56We're hoping it's Chaucer.
20:57Oh, Christopher Marlowe is the answer.
21:01Oh, of course.
21:03Well, the rocket scientists are still the winners.
21:05The body piercers made a game try
21:07with a piercing at the end.
21:08That's been our show.
21:10Join us next time when you'll see me,
21:12Red Boots, versus my own demons.
21:15-♪
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