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00:00Saint George and the Naughty Dragon, by Yu Mei.
00:04Note from the translator.
00:06Despite the epic tale associated with him, little is known about Saint George.
00:10Though he may well have been a Roman soldier, and martyred in Lydda under the rule of Emperor
00:15Diocletian.
00:17This peculiar account of Saint George's life is most certainly ahistorical.
00:22And also significantly later than even Jacobus de Vorigaine's thirteenth-century narrative,
00:27The Golden Legend.
00:29If anything, the anonymous author of The Merry Tale of Saint George and the Naughty Dragon,
00:35owes more to Chaucer's The Canterbury Tales, than to any Christian traditions concerning
00:40the historical George of Lydda.
00:43Among many anachronistic absurdities, our anonymous storyteller relocates the city of
00:48Liban to the Fenlands of ancient Britain, and recasts Sir George as an Arthurian knight-errant.
00:55In the spirit of that free-handed approach, I have elected to present the lay reader with
01:00a more dynamic translation to modern English, prioritizing the preservation of the comic
01:05flavor and tone of the original tale.
01:08The reader may wish to picture our anonymous storyteller, recounting excerpts of his manuscript
01:13to an audience of simple serfs, perhaps during the feast of Saint George.
01:18No doubt the anonymous storyteller delighted in his little joke.
01:22To take an all-too-familiar tale his listeners thought they knew well, only to stand the
01:27whole story upon its head.
01:30It should also be noted that, although the numerous spanking scenes might seem strange
01:35to a modern audience, corporal punishment was a common and universally accepted aspect
01:40of medieval life.
01:42Given the almost slapstick quality of the tale, it is not hard to imagine the spankings
01:47being played out with puppets, or upon willing, or not so willing, volunteers from the audience,
01:53to fits of laughter.
01:55Chapter 1 The Knight, The Maiden, and The Dragon
01:59The sun was setting over the lush green hills of England, casting long shadows across the
02:04fields.
02:06The village of Silene was quiet, save for the occasional bleeding of sheep and the distant
02:10sound of a blacksmith's hammer.
02:13It was a peaceful place, but for one thing, the dragon.
02:17For nearly a year, the dragon, Anjeltwik the Red Worm, had terrorized the village, pillaging
02:23their livestock each month.
02:25An entire barn had been knocked over and set ablaze.
02:29The beast had been witnessed spewing noxious venom, which burned at the touch like acid.
02:35At that time, the pagan king of Silene was little more than a village patriarch and resentful
02:40of the rising Christian dominion of King Arthur Pendragon, enthroned in Camelot.
02:46But as the villagers began to fear for their families, lest the dragon should begin demanding
02:50their maiden daughters as a sacrifice to slake its hunger, the king of Silene sent a messenger
02:55to seek aid from a monastery of the Christian church.
02:59These mendicant monks, in turn, prayed fervently and sought succor from the greatest knights
03:04in all of England.
03:06Unfortunately, the knights of the round table were all out in search of the questing beast,
03:11so only Sir George of Cappadocia answered the call.
03:15Sir George rode into town on his white horse, his Roman armor gleaming in the sunlight.
03:20The king of Silene stumbled from his wooden fortress on the mat to greet him, before bowing
03:25so deeply, his bony buttocks poked high in the air.
03:30Thank you for coming, Sir George.
03:32We have suffered under the Red Worm's tyranny for too long.
03:37Will you kill the dragon, Angeletwish?
03:40Sir George removed his Gallic helmet, so that his curly golden locks billowed in the cool
03:45summer air.
03:46Pax Fabiscum!
03:48In the name of the Blessed Virgin, and for the glory of the true Christian church, I
03:52vow to deliver you from the hellish beast that haunts you.
03:55What can you tell me of the Leviathan?
03:57The king of Silene tore his robe and beat his breast in despair.
04:01It's going to eat my beautiful, beloved daughter, the princess Sabine.
04:07Zounds!
04:08Does the beast have her now?
04:10The king of Silene paused in the middle of sprinkling ashes on his hair to properly prepare
04:14for mourning the loss of his princess.
04:16Well, no, not yet.
04:19But it's going to ask for her sooner or later.
04:23I mean, just look at her.
04:25Sir George glanced up at the wooden keep to find a fair maiden dressed in a white gossamer
04:30robe, fanning herself with a white kerchief, and resting atop the wooden stakes.
04:36When the pointed ends of the stakes poked her heaving breasts, she squeaked and dropped
04:40the handkerchief.
04:41Oh, silly me!
04:43I keep forgetting those things are sharp.
04:45Hail, noble knight!
04:47Did you know I'm single?
04:48And I'm a virgin!
04:50Sir George choked before making the sign of the cross.
04:53Oh, Lord!
04:55Preserve me against the lusts of the flesh.
04:57Why must the pagan barbarians dress so immodestly?
05:00Before Sir George could deliver a homily from the Proverbs against lustful women, the king
05:05of Silenes began to kowtow, grabbing handfuls of dirt and throwing them into the air.
05:10The beast claims a sheep, a pig, or an ox every week.
05:15Soon enough, we'll need to sacrifice our virgin daughters to slake its lust for flesh.
05:20Sir George sighed in relief before his horse surprised him by backing away, snorting in
05:25annoyance at the dust being thrown by the king of Silenes.
05:29Sir George had won his noble steed, Baird, after resisting the temptations of the enchantress
05:34Calib, but that's another story.
05:38At the moment, Sir George was annoyed with the pagan king's performative humiliation.
05:43Very well, since the dragon has seized no maiden, tell me everything you know of its
05:47strength and trickery.
05:49How large is it?
05:50The king of Silenes spread his arms wide, but when he found his arms were not large
05:54enough to convey his point, started darting around in circles.
05:59Large.
06:00It's huge.
06:02Enormous, even.
06:04Well, at least, sometimes it is.
06:08Some black magic lets the red worm change its shape.
06:12Sometimes, it appears as a giant, winged lizard, as large as a cottage.
06:18At this, the king of Silenes gestured to one of the thatched houses which housed a family
06:23of his serfs who had stepped out to watch the strange goings-on.
06:27The father first scratched his thick beard, then his bald scalp.
06:31Ack, aye, and jeltwick he knocked all me barn with his claws, he did, then torched it to
06:37ash.
06:38His daughter, who had a plain round face, interrupted.
06:42Nay, daddy, it was with his tail, not his claws.
06:46I remember I saw him chasing after a sow, then taking fright at the sound of the barn
06:51falling over behind him.
06:53Sort of wailed like a great cat he did, before he grew small and flew away.
06:58The mother, a matronly woman who looked every bit as sturdy as her husband, rolled up her
07:03sleeves.
07:04Silly girl, what's it matter whether he knocked it over with his claws or his tail, it still
07:09knocked over, innit?
07:10The daughter nodded.
07:11Aye, mammy, but I thought were important for the good Sir Knight to know.
07:17The father shook his finger.
07:19Nay, you mind about that.
07:20Keep hold of your tongue lest you're spoken to, and mind your elders, else I'll take you
07:25cross my knee.
07:26Do you mind what I say?
07:28The girl nodded, holding her hands behind her back.
07:31Aye, daddy, I'll mind.
07:34Ignoring the king of Silenus, Sir George hailed the girl, and nudged Bayard to trot him towards
07:39the peasant family.
07:40Yoo-hoo, folks, you got a good look at the dragon.
07:43The mother puffed up her chest.
07:45I saw him once, well, I saw the barn knocked over, then I saw his tail as he flew away.
07:52The father patted his wife's behind playfully to interrupt her, then puffed up his own chest
07:57before sneezing.
07:58Achoo!
07:59I've seen Anjou twice, plenty of times, flying around above the livestock.
08:04Once I saw him come smashing down to the ground, hard enough to send the earth shaking.
08:10Then he rose from the dirt and spewed foul venom.
08:12I hit my head before he could eat me, but look, when I touched a pool of the venom,
08:17it burned my finger as though I'd touched fire.
08:21Curchoo!
08:22Sir George lightly dismounted, but before he could closely examine the man's burned
08:26finger, the girl tugged on her father's sleeve.
08:30I think it sounded more like a sneeze than a spit, daddy.
08:33And poor Anjou crashes every time he tries to snatch up one of our animals.
08:38I don't think the dragon's very good at flying, or catching anything for that matter, oop.
08:44Ouch!
08:45Before the girl could explain further, her father scooped her up with one arm and began
08:48spanking her over her wool skirt, clearly a well-practiced gesture.
08:54Every few words he paused to land a firm slap for emphasis.
08:57I, Maggie, how many times must I tell you not to speak, lest you're spoken to?
09:06Maggie yelped, but managed to answer between slaps.
09:09Ouch!
09:10I'm sorry, daddy, ouch!
09:13I forgot, ouch!
09:15May poor bum!
09:16Not wanting to anger the father further, Sir George deftly put a hand on the man's shoulder
09:21to shield the girl from further punishment.
09:24But good sir, the fault is mine.
09:26I wish to speak to your whole family to learn what you have seen, including your daughter.
09:31The man's mustache drooped as he considered this, before he shrugged and set his daughter
09:35down.
09:36Well, now that you mention it, I suppose you did.
09:39All right, Maggie, no more spanking.
09:43Pleased to hear this happy news, Maggie only went slightly, bouncing on her heels as she
09:47rubbed away the soft sting.
09:50Thank ye, daddy.
09:51Sir George kneeled to reach Maggie's eye level.
09:54Now Maggie, you said you heard the dragon wail like a cat and grow small?
09:58What else did you see?
10:00Maggie pointed to a broken tree.
10:02He ran off like a kooky coot, before lifting off.
10:06He was much faster while he was small, about the same size as me, daddy, I'd say.
10:11But he still snapped at you in two.
10:13Have you ever seen the dragon while it was fighting?
10:16Has it ever attacked men or women, or does it only hunt animals?
10:19Perhaps wondering if she was about to be spanked for interrupting again, Maggie looked to her
10:24mother and father.
10:26When she saw them give her an encouraging nod, Maggie launched eagerly into a new story.
10:31Well, once when I was sent to collect hemp for rope, a man with a knife came out of the
10:35woods and grabbed me.
10:37Then, Angel came out of the sky like a hawk and snatched him up.
10:42Woosh!
10:43Her father puffed his mustache.
10:45You were lucky, Maggie.
10:47That beast meant to eat you.
10:49Eager to learn more, Sir George's blue eyes widened.
10:52Did the dragon kill him?
10:54Eat him?
10:55Maggie shook her head and used her hands to pantomime the scene for Sir George.
10:59Nay, the dragon only dropped him, like this.
11:03His leg went crunch.
11:05And the man cried and cried.
11:08He sounded like this.
11:09You howl, me poor leg.
11:12There's the man over there.
11:14As Maggie pointed, Sir George turned and saw a shivering man stuffed uncomfortably inside
11:18a hanging gibbet of rusty iron bars.
11:22Around his neck was hung a wooden sign that read, Thieves, Rapists, Behold and Beware.
11:28You howl, me poor leg.
11:30Me poor, poor leg, wailed the outlaw.
11:33Sensing the tension in his noble steed, Sir George stroked Baird's neck as he considered
11:38all he had heard.
11:39Venomous bile, fiery breath, and jell twice can fly like a hawk, run like a hound, and
11:45change its shape and size.
11:47Truly, this vile abomination must have crept from the pit of hell itself.
11:51I shall have to spend the day in prayer and preparation before facing this monster.
11:56Feeling rather annoyed at being ignored, the King of Silenus tapped Sir George on the shoulder.
12:01Yes, you shall be my guest tonight, and we shall see you off tomorrow morning.
12:07If you succeed, we won't have to sacrifice any virgins to the beast.
12:12Hopefully, it has enough to eat to keep its hunger satisfied for another week.
12:17Furious at the King for his cowardice, Sir George brushed off his embrace and began to
12:21mount Baird.
12:23You shall not sacrifice a single soul to that monster while I draw breath.
12:27Maggie raised her hand.
12:28But aren't you going to save the girl he has now?
12:31In his shock, Sir George dropped his Gallic helmet, which clanked like a bell as it struck
12:36his boot.
12:37What girl?
12:38Maggie glanced nervously at her parents before shuffling her feet.
12:42The one he has hidden in his cave.
12:44I heard her crying when, well, when I snuck off to try to get a peek at the dragon.
12:49Maggie's mother stiffened.
12:51You went looking for the dragon?
12:53Why would you do that?
12:54I'm sorry, Mammy.
12:56But after Angel saved me from the outlaw, I wanted to say thank you.
13:01Sir George rounded on the King of Silenus.
13:03But you said the dragon hadn't claimed any of your people yet.
13:06The King shrugged.
13:08Yeah.
13:09None of our maidens are missing.
13:11Now that you mention it, I suppose the woodcutter has been hearing the screaming and wailing
13:16of women coming from the grove for the past few months.
13:19What?
13:20You expect me to keep track of every other king's property for him?
13:25Sir George rushed back to Maggie, holding her gently by both shoulders.
13:29Maggie, where's the dragon's lair?
13:32Tears brimming in her eyes, Maggie pointed to a ridge of bluffs behind a wooded grove.
13:37Follow the brook to the pool by the rocks.
13:40There's a great cave like a mouth, and the dragon likes to splash down into the pool,
13:44then crawl into it.
13:46Sir George flew to Mount Baird's saddle.
13:49Thank you, Maggie.
13:51You have been a godsend.
13:53Baird reared majestically as Sir George drew his sword, Ascalon, from its sheath and held
13:58it aloft.
14:00Knowing there was not a moment to lose, Sir George left his helmet behind as he rode Baird
14:04toward the dragon's lair at a gallop, his golden hair fluttering behind him.
14:10The clouds parted, and a crepuscular ray of sunlight seemed to point the way forward.
14:16Sir George's thundering baritone voice echoed across the village of Salinas.
14:20Dea's fault.
14:22The villagers stood in awe, mesmerized by this display of chivalry.
14:26The spell was broken when Maggie sighed.
14:29Is it time for my spanking now, daddy?
14:31Her father shook his head as he remembered where he was.
14:35Oh, Phuke, that's right.
14:38You're spanking.
14:39Because I love ye, I've got to spank ye.
14:42Come here, Maggie.
14:44Maggie nodded.
14:45Aye, daddy.
14:46I'm ready.
14:48Without any further ceremony, he rested his boot on a bucket, scooped his daughter up,
14:53balanced her over his raised knee with one arm, flipped up her skirt with his free hand,
14:57and began spanking Maggie then and there.
15:01Without the protection of her woolen skirt, Maggie started to holler as she felt each
15:05swat land slowly across her thin underskirt.
15:08A cone, me poor leg, me poor, poor leg, wailed the outlaw in his gibbet.
15:14A cone, me poor bum, me poor, poor bum, wailed Maggie.
15:19End of chapter 1, part 1
15:22To be continued
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