3rd Rock from The Sun 2x09 - My Mother the Alien
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00:00And one, and two, and there you go, and that's it!
00:13Heal the burn.
00:21Well, hello, strange baby.
00:26Who's that?
00:27Well, I don't know. Some baby.
00:30That's no baby. Babies are pink and wrinkly and wear blankets.
00:34Dick, you better come in here.
00:37Who's this?
00:38I don't know. Some baby.
00:40What does it want?
00:42I'll find out.
00:45What do you want?
00:51Has anybody seen my...
00:53There's my little Rugrats.
00:56Mrs. Druvchik, you had a baby.
00:59He's my grandson. I'm babysitting him.
01:02My son and his wife are spending the week at Caesar's Palace.
01:05Ah, Rome.
01:09Could I ask you folks to do me a favor?
01:12Could you watch the little guy while I run out to the doctors?
01:16No.
01:17Yes, we'd be happy to.
01:18Oh, great, great. He's had his nap and he's just been changed.
01:23What was he before?
01:25Mrs. Druvchik, why do you assume that Sally will be taking care of the baby?
01:30Well, she's a woman.
01:31Yet another perk.
01:34I'll go get his stuff. Now, he may be just a little bit cranky.
01:37He's got teeth coming in.
01:39Oh, well, don't worry. We'll fine for them.
01:46Permission to ask what the hell you just did?
01:48Oh, no, it's an opportunity to observe a brand new human.
01:51And besides, you always said you wanted a baby.
01:53Not this baby. I want one of my own. One I made from scratch.
01:58What's that smell?
02:04Hey, I've been working out.
02:23Oh, no.
02:42Turn it off!
02:43I can't!
02:44Then turn it down!
02:46Why?
02:47What do you want?
02:48Are you hungry?
02:49Oh, Tommy, entertain him till I get back.
02:51What? I don't know what...
02:53All right, kid. I'll read you a story.
02:56Um, dingo boy released from pound.
02:58Burt Reynolds up in arms.
03:00Look, it's a real dingo boy.
03:02See? See?
03:03Move it!
03:04Hey! Those are my croutons!
03:06Let him buy his own croutons!
03:10Look!
03:11He's eating!
03:13He likes the croutons, Harry!
03:15They're nummy-num!
03:17Yeah!
03:19Why are you talking like that to the baby?
03:23I have my reasons.
03:25Well, Bob...
03:26Dick, look, Mrs. Dubcek was right.
03:28I am great with this kid.
03:30Well, how hard could it be?
03:31Look how cute he is.
03:36He's screaming!
03:37Why is he screaming?
03:39Somebody make him stop!
03:43Hey! He stopped!
03:45See? I'm great with this kid, and he hates you!
03:48Give me that baby.
04:01Dick!
04:08See? You make him cry.
04:10Oh, nonsense. Haven't you ever heard of tears of joy?
04:12Yeah.
04:19Come on!
04:20No! No!
04:22Come on! It's Mary's going-away party.
04:24She's only going to be gone for three days.
04:26No! No!
04:28No! No!
04:30Hello!
04:32Surprise!
04:34Surprise!
04:36Mary, I miss you already.
04:38No, Dick.
04:40You don't have to throw me a surprise party
04:42every time I go to a conference.
04:44You wouldn't be saying that
04:46if Nina had worn her hat.
04:48Oh, Nina.
04:50Here are my keys.
04:52You know where I keep the fish food.
04:54Nina's taking care of your fish?
04:56Yes.
04:58Mary, shouldn't I be doing that?
05:00Uh...
05:02Nina already knows where I keep the food.
05:04I see.
05:06She already knows.
05:08It must make it a lot easier for you, then.
05:10Well, if you really want to do it...
05:12Oh, yes, I do! I do!
05:14I'm going to take care of your fish desperately.
05:18Really, Nina?
05:20Thank you so much.
05:22Just doing my job.
05:24I have fish, you know.
05:26Do you?
05:28They're in my freezer.
05:32Here you go, baby.
05:38Well, he hated that.
05:40When's Solly going to get back with those diapers?
05:42Yeah.
05:44Oh, look!
05:46Something coming out of his nose again.
05:48Ugh!
05:50It's like he's got wetness
05:52coming out of every hole in his body.
05:58Dumb wet baby.
06:04Hey!
06:06He likes it!
06:08Maybe not.
06:24Suddenly, it's not quite so funny
06:26when I do it, now, is it?
06:28It's a baby!
06:34Oh, Mary.
06:36Oh, Mary.
06:38This means so much to me.
06:40Yeah, okay, now, let's go over this one more time.
06:42The filter and the heater
06:44are automatic.
06:46Don't touch them.
06:48What if I need to touch them?
06:50Why should you need to touch them?
06:52Well, what if I want to touch them?
06:54Just don't touch them.
06:56Okay, now, here's something I like to do.
06:58If the fish have been good,
07:00I like to reward them with a little brine shrimp.
07:02And if they're bad,
07:04I make them watch while I eat the brine shrimp.
07:06Now, this might sound silly,
07:08but I'm very attached to these fish.
07:10Please don't kill them.
07:12You love your fish,
07:14and I love you, and that's why I'm going to love your fish.
07:16Just feed them.
07:20Don't touch the filter!
07:22Okay.
07:34Hello?
07:36What is the matter with you two?
07:38How many times do I have to go over this?
07:40When that baby is asleep, the phone is not to ring more than once.
07:42Right.
07:44The one ring rule.
07:46That's right.
07:48Harry,
07:50did you throw applesauce all over the floor?
07:52No, it was the baby.
07:54He made a cute
07:56little design.
07:58This is deep, Jack.
08:00Shh!
08:02She won't be back
08:04until tomorrow.
08:06What?
08:08She said she was still woozy from the medication
08:10that she got on the wrong bus and woke up in a petting zoo in Cleveland.
08:12Oh, that old excuse.
08:16We get to keep the baby another day.
08:18Oh, great.
08:20Oh, and by the way, it was me that spilled applesauce.
08:22It was?
08:24No, it was the baby.
08:26Yes, I've been meaning to talk to you about that.
08:28Shh!
08:30It's over.
08:34I don't hear anything.
08:36Of course you don't. You're a man.
08:38Shh!
08:40How did this happen?
08:42That baby has taken control of us.
08:44The one with the least intelligence is running the show.
08:46This is getting old fast.
08:48There are three of us and only one of him.
08:50Yeah, one bigger than him. We're way smarter.
08:52We can take this baby. Who's with me?
08:54Come on, then.
08:56Shh!
09:02One ring.
09:10Hello, fish.
09:12Look at you in there.
09:14What are you thinking?
09:16I know what you're thinking.
09:18Are you in the tank or am I?
09:20Well, it's you, stupid fish.
09:22Here.
09:24Your presents.
09:26A treasure chest filled with gold doubloons.
09:28A topless mermaid.
09:30Try not to stare.
09:32And best of all,
09:34I brought you
09:36a new friend.
09:38I call her Snowflake
09:40because she's soft and delicate.
09:46I thought you might like it
09:48if I read you a night-night story.
09:50It's called Tales of the Calypso.
09:52Secrets of the Ocean Deep.
09:56Slowly,
09:58so slowly,
10:00the day turns into night.
10:02The darkness
10:04taunts the light
10:06that dances in the depths below.
10:08Suddenly
10:10and without warning,
10:12danger strikes.
10:14Octopus, Octopus,
10:16your children
10:18are dying.
10:22I want that.
10:24I want that.
10:26I want that.
10:28I want that.
10:30Hurry, we're here to get something for the baby.
10:32We're not here to get something for you.
10:34Nuts.
10:38Here, baby, what about this one?
10:40Where'd he go?
10:44Oh, no!
10:46Hold on, baby!
10:48I know!
10:50You can't! Let me go!
10:52I've got to save him! Get a hold of yourself, man!
10:54That's a bottomless ball pit of death!
10:58I don't care! That's my baby!
11:00No!
11:06I've got him!
11:08I've got him!
11:10Hey, lady.
11:12We only let children
11:14climb in the ball pit.
11:16That is so sick.
11:20Yeah.
11:34Lieutenant!
11:36You look like hell!
11:38I mean the locked-in-a-car-wash-overnight kind of hell.
11:42Yeah, it's this baby.
11:44He's ran me ragged all day.
11:46Oh, that insolent little twerp.
11:48He's gone too far.
11:50Tomorrow, I'm granting you a one-day furlough.
11:52Go into town. Get yourself a tattoo.
11:54I can't.
11:56Tomorrow, I'm taking the baby to the park
11:58and then the zoo, and then I'm taking him golfing.
12:00I think he has real talent.
12:02I don't understand. You sound like you're actually
12:04enjoying this.
12:06I am. I mean, I know
12:08I complained at the start, but
12:10this is the first assignment I've had
12:12where I really feel like I'm using all of me.
12:14It sounds crazy,
12:16but I cannot do enough for him.
12:18The more he needs me, the more I need him.
12:20I have a great idea.
12:22Let's wake him up and then rock him back to sleep.
12:24No!
12:26Why not?
12:28What's the matter with you? It's as if this baby has made you go all soft.
12:30He's broken down your defenses.
12:32I know. He's my widdle bunny wabbit.
12:34God, what kind of talk is that?
12:36You're a weapons expert.
12:38I'm still a warrior. It's just now I'm the protector,
12:40not the aggressor.
12:42I've heard enough. I'm going to sleep.
12:44No, you can't. I've tucked him in your bed.
12:46As high commander, I order you
12:48to untuck him at once.
12:50Dick, I'm not taking orders from you anymore.
12:52I'm taking orders from a higher commander.
12:54His rank? Baby!
12:56Where am I going to sleep?
12:58Use his room.
13:04Fuck!
13:06Fuck!
13:14Morning, children.
13:16Hello, Snowflake.
13:20Where's everybody else?
13:22Come out, come out!
13:26Why, Snowflake, you're looking a little bloated.
13:30Oh, my God!
13:32You bad fish!
13:34Bad, bad fish!
13:36Where's that brine shrimp?
13:38See? None for you!
13:44Dick!
13:46Mary, you've come back early.
13:48Oh, the conference was a disaster.
13:50I had to get out of there.
13:52Are you sure that was a good idea? Maybe you should go back.
13:54No.
13:56Besides, I missed you.
13:58I was so alone.
14:00Where's my fish?
14:02Well, there's your fish.
14:04That's not my fish!
14:06Oh, sure it is.
14:08You killed my fish!
14:10No, I didn't. He did.
14:12You jackass!
14:14Yeah, you jackass!
14:16Hi, sweetheart.
14:18Can you say my name?
14:20Sally.
14:22No.
14:24Sally.
14:26No.
14:28Sally.
14:30No.
14:32Sally.
14:36You know, you shouldn't try so hard.
14:38Kids develop at different rates,
14:40and resistance is the sign of an analytical mind.
14:42Really?
14:44No.
14:46You don't listen to me.
14:48Hey, you know what I'm going to do?
14:50I'm going to find Mr. Sockmonkey.
14:52You like Mr. Sockmonkey, right, Sally?
14:54Oh, Sally, I feel just awful.
14:56Uh-huh. Mr. Sockmonkey, where are you?
14:58Oh, those fish were everything to her.
15:00I've got to find something to replace them.
15:02Get out, you argyle piece of crap!
15:04Sally, hello?
15:06She can't hear you, Dick. She can only hear the baby.
15:08Harry, have you seen Mr. Sockmonkey?
15:10Why, no.
15:12Why would you ask me?
15:14I haven't seen him all day.
15:16La-la-la.
15:18La-la-la-la.
15:20He's probably in the bedroom.
15:22Call me if he needs anything.
15:24Oh, what am I going to do?
15:34Well, hello.
15:36Sockmonkey!
15:42Yes, yes.
15:44You should do just fine.
15:46You might even fit in the tank.
15:48Mary?
15:50Mary, do you remember how I killed your fish?
15:52No.
15:54Well, I did,
15:56but I brought you something to make you feel better.
15:58Come on in!
16:02Whose baby is that?
16:04Mine.
16:06Well, not for keeps.
16:08It's really Sally's.
16:10I mean, she got it from Mrs. Dubcek.
16:12Let's just call it a rental.
16:14Dick, you've got to take that child back to its mother.
16:16Oh, come on, just hold him.
16:18I guarantee you'll like it.
16:20I'm serious.
16:22Take him for a spin around the block,
16:24and then we'll talk.
16:26There you are!
16:28There you are!
16:30I'll deal with you as soon as I deal with you, sweetie!
16:32Come on, honey!
16:34Come on, Dick!
16:44Why are you so angry?
16:46I'm not talking to you.
16:48Oh, you found him.
16:50Oh, good. Now we can stop looking.
16:52Who's going to bring him right back, Lieutenant?
16:54You know, if I were a good mother,
16:56I'd push you down those stairs.
16:58You're not a mother.
17:00Well, technically, no, but that's going to change.
17:02How?
17:04Well, I've decided to keep the baby.
17:06No!
17:08You can't! He's not yours!
17:10I'm willing to overlook that.
17:12You can't keep him.
17:14They have rules about these things.
17:16They have laws about these things.
17:18They have TV movies about these things.
17:20Dick, I'm keeping him. That's final.
17:22Hello? Anybody home?
17:24Oh, my God! I have to hide him!
17:26You're coming right back in here this instant!
17:28Sally!
17:30Thanks so much for watching.
17:32My grandson and I have been to hell and back.
17:34I won't bore you.
17:36No, you're too late.
17:38Well, where is my little fella?
17:40Uh, Mrs. Dubcek, I'm so glad you're here.
17:42We're having a problem with our oven.
17:44What kind of problem?
17:46Well, how should I know? You're a landlady.
17:48You tell us. Harry, show Mrs. Dubcek to the oven.
17:50Stuff her in it if you have to.
17:52Sally!
17:54Is she gone yet? No!
17:56Then we're not coming out.
17:58Look, I order you to think this through.
18:00Okay. No!
18:02Your oven seems fine.
18:04I'll just get my little boy, and I'll be on my way.
18:06So soon, Mrs. Dubcek.
18:08We've been living in this attic for almost a year now,
18:10and we know very little about you.
18:12Sit down. Tell us everything about yourself.
18:14Leave nothing out. What?
18:16Please, everything. Travel. Marriages.
18:18Medical history.
18:20Well, there's a doctor in Mexico
18:22that once said I had the exact DNA of a lemur.
18:24Ooh!
18:26You know what's fascinating?
18:28I'll be right back. Sally!
18:30Well, here he is.
18:32You have to go home now, baby.
18:34There's my little man.
18:38Bye, baby. Bye, Sally.
18:40Aw. Come on, sweetheart.
18:42Ooh! What a big boy you are.
18:44Real good boy.
18:46Yes.
18:50Well...
18:52Thank God he's gone.
18:56I'm gonna miss him.
19:02Excuse me. I'm gonna go take care of the other baby.
19:04Well, what was that all about?
19:06I thought you loved him.
19:08I do.
19:10Well, then why did you suddenly give him back?
19:12Well, I guess I love him enough to know
19:14that his real mom needs him more than I do.
19:16I mean, you know, when I couldn't find him,
19:18I went crazy.
19:20I couldn't put his mother through that.
19:22Well, why don't you have one of your own?
19:24Oh, yeah, that would be great.
19:26Why don't you go for it?
19:28Yeah, right, and let this body go to hell?
19:34Oh!
19:44Mary, we have to talk.
19:46You have a dog?
19:48Yes. Mary, I want everything to go back
19:50to the way it was before I killed your fish.
19:52I'm afraid that's going to take some time.
19:54I know what it means to lose something
19:56that you care about,
19:58and what I did was very, very wrong.
20:00Why do you have a dog?
20:02Well, I went to the pet store
20:04to buy you some new fish,
20:06and I saw this cute little guy.
20:08Oh, Dick, I can't take care of a dog.
20:10If you can love a fish, you can love a dog.
20:12He is kind of cute.
20:16Come here, boy.
20:18Oh, look at him.
20:20He loves you, Mary.
20:22He's so cute.
20:24That's what it does.
20:26Don't insist, Mary.
20:28Get yourself together.
20:30Come here, boy.
20:36Come on, Mary.
20:38He loves you.
20:40Yes, Mary.
21:00He loves you.