Big Train - 205 [couchtripper][U]
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00:00Beef train.
00:27Right, well done, that's excellent, on the DP.
00:56OK, moment of truth.
00:57Actually, I need to nip out again, I'm sorry, I just...
00:58Could you...
00:59Thanks.
01:01Right, well done, that's excellent, on the DP.
01:07Right, well done, that's excellent, I'm sorry, I just...
01:18Sorry about that, I was just keeping some plates spinning on some sticks.
01:48It's not finished.
01:51Just bash it, focus, dear.
01:52I haven't even done the words yet.
01:53We've got to start somewhere, haven't we?
01:55Go on.
01:56OK, we're now.
01:57Yeah.
01:58I really like your smile.
02:03Something makes it, seems worthwhile.
02:07Like a kitten in the snow, like a puppy in the show.
02:15That's it.
02:17That's basically that.
02:18Could you just go through it again from the start,
02:20because I'll just pick out the chords, OK?
02:22You just start and I'll just come in a bit.
02:24I really like your smile.
02:28Something makes it, seems worthwhile.
02:31Like a kitten in the snow, like a puppy in the show.
02:46Sorry.
02:47A classic, isn't it?
02:48Just parallel, it's in D.
02:50Right.
02:51Well, we'll start, just come in, OK?
02:53Ready, Chris?
02:54One, two, three, four.
02:56Like a kitten in the snow, like a puppy in the show.
03:12Christine's new song.
03:13Christine, that shit is so hot.
03:15Get the kit, then.
03:16Yeah, absolutely.
03:17Let's go.
03:18Why don't we do a big drum intro and then go straight into it,
03:20yeah?
03:21Drum intro, yeah.
03:22Yeah?
03:23Yeah, go on.
03:24Let's rock it, OK.
03:25Hey!
03:26Christine!
03:27All right, look at that!
03:28It's not even funny, isn't it?
03:36MUSIC CONTINUES
03:49Yeah!
03:51All right!
03:54It's like we've finished.
03:56LAUGHTER
03:58MUSIC CONTINUES
04:05Gentlemen, good to see you.
04:07I must say, congratulations on your recent efforts at Castle Quinn.
04:11Exceptional. Thank you.
04:13So, you wanted to see me.
04:16It's not a massive problem, really.
04:18It's just that we have been becoming a little bit concerned
04:21about the uniforms,
04:23in that they're a little bit uncomfortable.
04:26Not so much the weight.
04:28It's just that they can get quite hot for start.
04:31Yeah. My problem is the wrists.
04:34Can't bend them properly.
04:36Yeah, especially when you're eating.
04:39They're really awkward when you're, like, eating berries.
04:42Yeah, berries. Yeah.
04:44The other thing I've noticed, when I'm wearing my helmet,
04:47if someone's talking to me,
04:49because the helmet's so thick and heavy,
04:52I can't hear them half the time.
04:55That could be a job offer or something.
04:57Yeah, we don't want you to think that we're being picky.
05:00No, no, not at all.
05:02The thing is, there's a problem there,
05:04that if we don't have our armour, we might get a bit chopped up and stuff.
05:08Sure, sure.
05:10It's up to you, really, if you want to give it a try without the armour for a bit.
05:14Kind of just see how that goes. Really?
05:16Tell you what, why don't I have a chat with those upstairs
05:20and get back to you? How's that?
05:22That would be great. Thank you.
05:24Thanks very much.
05:26Cheers, Paul.
05:28That's fantastic. That is fantastic.
05:30Might as well start making some changes now, then.
05:52Lovely one. How was that? More comfortable?
05:55Was it...? Oh, I can see there's going to be a problem with insurance.
06:01OK, let's look at the first of last night's targets.
06:03This was a munitions factory just outside the city.
06:07We hit it with F-20s, which have a very low explosive capability,
06:10but very deep penetration.
06:12Here we go.
06:14It would have gone...
06:17I can't do the accent.
06:21Oh, God, help me.
06:24The next target was a military installation
06:27we've had our eyes on for some time now.
06:29That would have been like...
06:35Oh, no, my God, help me.
06:38The pain of it all.
06:40Oh, Christ, my legs come off.
06:42Somebody find it.
06:44They're coming.
06:46Direct hit. Ow!
06:48The last target was a barracks.
06:50Now, this was full of people,
06:52so this would have been like...
07:04It's coming out of my neck.
07:06Oh, no, my God, help me.
07:08Get a nurse. Get a nurse.
07:10Oh, my fingers.
07:12Get a nurse. Ow, my face.
07:17Afterwards, the noise that was coming from the area
07:21would probably be something like this.
07:34What's that?
07:36Like a vulture. We're already certain.
07:39La, la, la, la, la...
07:42Oh, oh, oh, oh...
07:44Oh, oh, oh...
07:49Sorry, that's the music from the tune.
07:51Gets me right there.
07:53But King Edward I still had his troubles in Wales.
07:58In 1277, he advanced with naval support
08:02and blockaded Llewelyn.
08:04Having starved him into submission,
08:06then tightened his grip on the municipality
08:09by erecting a circle of powerful castles.
08:12Having thus quelled the Welsh,
08:14Edward...
08:15It's great, this, isn't it?
08:17It really keeps the kids interested in history.
08:19Oh, yeah. They'll never forget who King Tits was.
08:24You don't need to be nervous.
08:26Sorry, I just get anything to do with eyes.
08:28Makes me go a bit, you know...
08:30Well, laser treatment is completely safe.
08:32All you have to do is sit there
08:34and stay perfectly still for me, all right?
08:36All right.
08:37Stay perfectly still.
08:45How's that?
08:46Um...
08:47Is that all right?
08:49Er, yeah. I'm...
08:52Er...
08:53I'm going to have one more go, all right?
08:55OK.
08:57Right.
08:59Er...
09:00OK.
09:02Is that it?
09:03Er...
09:04Is it finished?
09:07Yes. Yeah.
09:08Oh.
09:09I didn't feel anything there.
09:11Good. Well, um...
09:13That's, yeah, absolutely as it should be.
09:15Hey, that's very good,
09:17cos I'm taking some tablets for depression at the moment.
09:20I've got some very weird side effects from that.
09:22Really?
09:23Yeah.
09:24Is, um...
09:25Have you had anything like invisibility at all?
09:28Invisibility at all?
09:30Beg your pardon?
09:33Just make a bit of an effort.
09:34Who's your best friend?
09:35Well, you know what he's like.
09:36His girlfriends are terrible.
09:38Don't make assumptions.
09:39You make them very nice.
09:40Remember the last one he had?
09:41What was she called?
09:42Calvina.
09:43Calvina.
09:48Hiya.
09:49Hiya! Great to see you.
09:50Come in, come in.
09:51Michaela's dying to meet you.
09:54Matt and Rachel, here she is.
09:57Michaela, this is Matt and Rachel.
09:59Matt and Rachel, this is Michaela.
10:01Hiya. You all right?
10:03Nice to meet you.
10:04Oh, of course.
10:07This is my new lady.
10:09She's just fantastic, aren't you, eh?
10:11Mmm.
10:12Mmm.
10:17Shall we, er...
10:19get on to the restaurant?
10:21Yeah, it's supposed to be really nice, apparently.
10:23It's French and, erm...
10:25and it's got a really fabulous wine list.
10:27Wine?
10:28Oh, no, never touch the stuff.
10:29Body and Red Bull gets me going, don't it, Keithy?
10:32How would I know?
10:34I tell you what, she is such a laugh.
10:36She knows some great stories as well, so...
10:40Right, hang on.
10:41Let me get my hair over my tits and I'm all yours.
10:44Mmm.
10:45Hi.
10:46Hi, Lucy.
10:47Dirty bugger.
10:48Hi.
10:49Hi, Lucy.
10:50Dirty bugger.
10:51You're like a bloody octopus.
10:52God bless you.
10:53Told you.
10:54Just like all the others, worse, if anything.
10:56I think she's really nice.
10:58No, you don't.
11:00Oi, pull over here, will you?
11:02I want to get me tabs.
11:04Oh, better get some johnnies as well.
11:06Yeah, jumbo-packed.
11:07Yeah.
11:11Well, what do you think?
11:13Keith, she's really, really lovely.
11:16Do you think so?
11:18Done very well.
11:20Thanks, mate.
11:24Right, and the final part of this story is right.
11:27She couldn't sit down for a fucking week.
11:33I'm just going to go to the loo.
11:35Oh, love, you on the blog?
11:39Missing you.
11:40Oh, hang on, hang on, I know what's going on here.
11:43You keep your filthy hands off him, you bitches, man, all right?
11:46Shall we ring for a taxi, Matt?
11:53I'll miss you so much.
11:55Me too.
12:17What do you think?
12:22I'll probably get the surveyor in to have a look at it.
12:25Yeah, that's very good, you know, cos it keeps the heat,
12:28even in the rainy season.
12:30Yes.
12:32I'll take it.
12:33Great, great.
12:35I'll take it.
12:37I'll take it.
12:39I'll take it.
12:41I'll take it.
12:43I'll take it.
12:45Great, great.
12:49He got all that over there as well to look at, which is nice.
12:54Excuse me, madam, would you be interested in taking our personality test?
12:59Excuse me, madam, would you be interested in taking our personality test?
13:02Excuse me, sir, would you be interested in taking our personality test?
13:06Personality test?
13:07Yes, yes, it's very simple.
13:09It won't take long.
13:11It just helps you to understand yourself and the world a bit more.
13:14It's not religious, though, is it?
13:15Because I noticed you've got all these books and stuff and it's like...
13:17Oh, well, basically, if you're interested in what we have to offer, that's great,
13:20but otherwise absolutely no obligation.
13:23All right, well, I'm going to be just waiting around for my train anyway,
13:26so I might as well...
13:27Oh, that's great. Well, come inside, please, sir.
13:29Let me take a few seconds.
13:32I'd like to take a seat here, sir.
13:35And fill this in. Pencil there.
13:37OK.
13:38And just tell me when you're finished. Thank you.
13:40All righty.
13:49Finished.
13:53Do I get the results today?
13:58It's extraordinary.
14:01Could you wait here just a moment, please, sir?
14:03Yeah, but I've got to go and catch the train.
14:05Well, just one moment. I'll be very quick.
14:07Yeah, but...
14:08Oh.
14:15Um...
14:16Could you follow me, please, sir?
14:19I can't.
14:20It won't take long, sir. Please?
14:23No, thank you, sir.
14:31It's going to take long, cos I've got a train to catch.
14:33Just bear with me, sir.
14:37Here we are, sir.
14:45BELL RINGS
14:51The quest is over.
14:55BELL RINGS
15:01He's the one!
15:14LAUGHTER
15:27Oh, sorry.
15:29I thought it was him, but...
15:31Don't think so. No.
15:33LAUGHTER
15:45BELL RINGS
15:51Paratroopers, this is it.
15:54This is what you've trained for.
15:56This is the day you've been waiting for.
15:58There is now one single exit from this plane,
16:00and that is that door there.
16:03Smith, you're first. Let's go.
16:05No, we need Phillips.
16:07What?
16:08Can Phillips go first?
16:09Excuse me?
16:10I'd like to go after Phillips.
16:12Can Phillips go first?
16:13Are you having enough?
16:14You've got out of this plane now, you're first up.
16:16I don't want to go now.
16:17What do you mean, you don't want to?
16:19I don't care if you don't like it, you little shit!
16:21Come here!
16:29Oh, my God!
16:31Oh, thanks.
16:34Stupid little man!
16:38Get out!
16:40Go!
16:43Ah!
16:52What?
16:53Well, let's see if I've got this right.
16:56Now, after an anonymous tip-off,
16:59you've become convinced that in the last year,
17:02senior management have been murdering members of staff...
17:06Yes.
17:08..and replacing them with sophisticated robot lookalikes...
17:12Yes.
17:14..in order to avoid paying their wages without antagonising the unions.
17:20I know it sounds crazy, but yes.
17:26Richard.
17:27Come here.
17:31Well, they look like robots.
17:33Sssss!
17:37Sssss!
17:39Let's put it to...
17:40No, no, no!
17:42Excuse me, guys.
17:44Can I just have your attention for a second?
17:47I was just wondering what your reaction would be
17:50if I told you that Richard here thinks that you might be robots.
17:59Yeah, well, are you robots?
18:02No, we are not robots.
18:06Thought so.
18:07OK, thank you very much. Back to work.
18:11I don't know what to say. I feel quite embarrassed.
18:15Richard, are you all right?
18:18Yeah.
18:19Everything all right at home?
18:20Yeah, not so bad.
18:22Better get on with my work.
18:24OK.
18:26So, you wrote it in jail?
18:30He did put a lot into it. I think it's excellent.
18:33Why were you in jail?
18:36It wasn't anything serious, it wasn't.
18:38It was just...broke a few windows.
18:41It's a big one, isn't it?
18:43What was it called again? It's, er, Mein Kampf.
18:46What was it again? Is it my camp?
18:49No, it's My Struggle.
18:51Right.
18:52What do you think?
18:54I have to say, it's not very PC, is it?
18:58He hates all that stuff.
19:00I thought, seriously, there's lots in it I liked,
19:04but some of it I would have to say is borderline racist.
19:10Yeah.
19:12I wish I could be more positive.
19:14If we put it out as is, we'd get into a lot of trouble.
19:18Yeah.
19:20Can we do two versions,
19:22like a racist version and then a non-racist version?
19:27How would you feel about that, Adolf?
19:32You wouldn't be happy with that.
19:34I think he likes the racist version.
19:36Although, personally, I don't think it is racist.
19:40Um...
19:41We'd love to take it, but...
19:43I don't think it's racist.
19:45Thank you very much for coming in, and all the best.
19:48Thank you very much. Nice to meet you.
19:50Very nice to meet you, Adolf.
19:52What's that you're doing there?
19:54He's writing your names in his little black book.
19:57I hope he's not going to hold a grudge against us.
20:00LAUGHTER
20:02There's very little black in it, I'm sure.
20:06I don't think it's racist.
20:08I don't think it's racist.
20:10I don't think it's racist.
20:12LAUGHTER
20:30Excuse me. Excuse me.
20:32Come on.
20:34Sit there.
20:42HE WHISPERS
20:49Come on. This isn't a match.
20:51What? This isn't a match.
20:53Come on.
20:55LAUGHTER
21:05HE SIGHS
21:07What's going on?
21:09I've been thinking, maybe we should revise the questionnaire.
21:12What do you mean?
21:14That question about do you own or rent your flat,
21:17do you think that's completely irrelevant?
21:19I don't know. I'm beginning to wonder if there is a one.
21:22Good question. Is there a one?
21:24You are a one.
21:26Come on.
21:28There are four strands from today's budget I'd like to stress.
21:31Firstly, and I know this won't come as a surprise, tax cuts.
21:35Now, this government has long prided itself...
21:38Can we start...
21:40I thought that was going rather well.
21:42No, it was, but we could see the duck.
21:44Isn't that the idea?
21:46Well, maybe. I just wonder if we shouldn't go back to the original idea
21:50and try it with the dog and have a cosy fireside thing,
21:53just a bit more gravitas.
21:55Oh, really? Right.
21:57Don't you think it might be nice, though, for people to see my duck?
22:01Well, possibly, yeah. It's not an exact science.
22:05Do you think we're giving off the wrong signals with the duck?
22:08Do you think it's a bit quirky?
22:10I wouldn't say it's quirky. Obviously, I like the duck, but...
22:13Yeah, no, I just think, as an image, the Chancellor next to a duck,
22:17I don't know if it works. Can we try it with the dog?
22:20Well, maybe, but I have to say that I've seen many broadcasts with dogs
22:25and I just think it's been rather done.
22:28I'm starting to feel less comfortable.
22:32Today, I'd like to talk to you about the budget.
22:35It's just... Whereas, with the duck,
22:38it's just more natural that the duck can walk backwards and forwards,
22:42people can look at its beak. I can refer to the duck.
22:45It's better, isn't it?
22:47Yeah, I see that. I do see that.
22:49But if you're in the armchair, you could refer to the dog.
22:53Well, I'm not sure. Plus, people won't be able to see the duck.
22:58Right. Right.
23:01OK, let's try one. Still running?
23:04That's me. Five, four, three...
23:07WHISTLE BLOWS
23:09There are four strands from today's budget I'd like to stress. Firstly...
23:14You can see the Wiltonsons' house from here.
23:17I expect so, dear. They always have a jolly time.
23:20I wish you'll have an equally good time. Daddy, I found a raisinus.
23:24Mummy then would rather be wondering who's been interfering with the rospring.
23:29Mummy, Daddy, may we stop for some ginger pop on the way home?
23:32Very well, dear. If your father doesn't mind.
23:34That would be very agreeable. We all need to cool down in this heat.
23:37We should be back in London by six.
23:39Plenty of time to bathe him.
23:41Dashes, are they? She's absolutely charming, but he's rather a bore.
23:44I expect they shan't stay long.
23:46Well, come on, children. Time to go.
23:49Darling, I've been meaning to talk to you about something.
23:53What is it, dear? Something serious?
23:55Yes. I think you should sit down. It's rather a grave matter.
23:59What is it, dear?
24:01Darling, you're speaking too fast.
24:04Speaking too fast?
24:06Yes, and it's affecting the children.
24:09They're speaking too fast too, and me. We're all speaking terribly fast.
24:13Let me get this right. Are you saying you want a divorce?
24:16No, darling. I just think you should speak a little more slowly.
24:20You know that can't be done. You and the children better go home in a car.
24:23I shall make it back to London on my own.
24:35No, see, that one doesn't work.
24:37Something's wrong there, definitely. What's going on?
24:40I'm really sorry about this, Mr.
24:42I remember her saying 5-3-3, but it's going to be 5-3 sayings.
24:45Just keep trying them all. It's definitely one of them.
24:48I can't stay here all day trying every one.
24:50What's mucking me about now? Can't you lot read?
24:53Only two children in the bank vault at a time.
24:56I'll tell you what.
25:01This is far worse than any of us had feared.
25:05The boys in sector G are already calling it the doomsday strain.
25:09If the antibodies under that microscope fail to replicate,
25:13the virus will be unstoppable.
25:17Stephen?
25:19Has it worked?
25:24No.
25:26May God have mercy on our souls.
25:30We have created a bastard chimera.
25:33And like the Oedipal child...
25:35It has, really.
25:37LAUGHTER
25:44I knew yesterday.
25:46I knew yesterday.
25:48Oh, God!
25:52Oh, my God!
25:56The Oedipal child.
25:58Oh!
26:03What's going on?
26:05It's so weird. Like a lemon.
26:07Like an unwaxed lemon.
26:11He's lucky I've got a sense of humour.
26:14Oh, Fruity.
26:16I'd like to get to know you a little bit more.
26:18Why don't I take you out for dinner tomorrow night?
26:20Why don't you?
26:22I'll pick you up about 7.30.
26:24OK. 7.30 would be nice.
26:26OK, then. See you then.
26:31That's in the city.
26:33Yeah?
26:35I don't know your address.
26:37Well, do you want to write it down?
26:39I think I can probably remember it.
26:41OK. It's flat 4, 66 Admiral Walk, Kentish Town.
26:46OK. See you at 7.30.
26:487.30.
26:51What's the parking like?
26:53What?
26:55Should we meet in a pub beforehand?
26:57Can I park there?
26:59A pub? No, the parking's fine.
27:02See you then.
27:07You've not got it.
27:09It says.
27:11I've got your address.
27:13What?
27:15I think you'd better write it down.
27:17You've got a pen and paper?
27:19No.
27:21OK, well, stay there. I'll get one.
27:23Right, OK.
27:28No, I don't know.
27:30Where did you get it from?
27:32I don't know.
27:34No-one's got one.
27:36It's a bit annoying.
27:38Why don't I call you tomorrow, then you can give me your address?
27:41Right, OK. You call me? Yeah.
27:43OK. I'll call you tomorrow. Tomorrow?
27:47I don't know your number.
27:49I don't know your phone number.
27:51Right. So do you want me to give it to you?
27:53Yes. You're going to write it down?
27:55I'll write it down. I'll get a pen and paper.
27:57Shit. Sorry.
27:59No-one's got them, as I've asked already.
28:01Say it and I'll try and remember it.
28:03OK. It's 0207 861 8000.
28:080207...
28:10861...
28:12Lose free. Excuse me? Lose free.
28:14I said you were desperate to go. No, I didn't.
28:16Are you sure? I didn't.
28:18Anyway, it's free if you want to go.
28:22Erm... 0207...
28:24Steve, hi. Hi, hi.
28:26How are your diarrhoea and flatulence problems?
28:28What?
28:30You suffer from more or less constant diarrhoea
28:32and it's really embarrassing cos you also suffer
28:34from incredible flatulence.
28:36No. No.
28:38I'll see you tomorrow, Marlene.
28:40It's Marion. Shit!