The Marx Brothers (Hollywood Agents)
The Marx Brothers were an American family comedy act that was successful in vaudeville, on Broadway, and in 14 motion pictures from 1905 to 1949.
Transcript
00:00From Hollywood, California, the Hotchkiss Packing Company presents the Marks Brothers.
00:27Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, this is Groucho Marx speaking, and already it's
00:46not such a good evening.
00:48Tonight, Chick or myself, with the help of that grand musical director, Raymond Page,
00:52bring you a slice of life from that crazy world they call Hollywood.
00:56As we drop into your home every Friday night, we're going to try to show you the unsung
00:59heroes of the motion picture business, the Hollywood agents, those theatrical representatives
01:08who get jobs with actresses and actresses in the movie studios.
01:12It's about time these agents were recognized.
01:13Look at the stars they've made.
01:16Take us, for instance.
01:18Who made us what we are today?
01:20Who helped us when we were in need?
01:22Who loaned us money when we didn't have a dime?
01:24The Western Loan Company.
01:27Have one of our bonded representatives call at your house next Monday night and take your
01:30house away while you're having dinner.
01:34So on with the show and let the jokes have no age limit.
01:38And while Ray Page sets the scene, while Ray Page sets the scene, we'll get the theatrical
01:43office ready for our new business as Hollywood agents, where everything is 10% off, including
01:49the agents.
02:50And here's the office of the Square Deal Amusement Company, operated by Groucho and Chico Marx.
02:56Representatives of talent for the screen, sellers of sensational stars.
03:01Also headquarters for slot machines, pinball games, turkey raffles, and boxcars.
03:06Here they are, Chico and Groucho.
03:10Very excellent, very excellent.
03:19I can't understand it.
03:20We have a business.
03:21We've got a marvelous office here, but nobody comes in.
03:23I wonder why they stay away.
03:25Chico, did you put up that sign on the door?
03:27Yeah, but I couldn't find a sign that said Marx.
03:30The nearest thing I could get was a sign that said Mumps.
03:34Fine office.
03:35Where's my secretary?
03:37Out to lunch.
03:38What time did she leave?
03:39October.
03:42If she's not back by next March, I'll give her two weeks' notice.
03:46A fine office, or did I say that?
03:48Chico, why don't you go out and drum up some business?
03:50I would, only I don't know what business we're in.
03:54Why, we're Hollywood agents.
03:56We get people, jobs, and pictures.
03:57Do we?
03:58Don't change the subject.
04:03But why do we want to get a people, jobs, and pictures?
04:06Well, we get 10% of their salary.
04:08Don't we have to do anything for the money?
04:10No, we're agents.
04:15I know, but what do we do?
04:17Nothing, we're agents.
04:19Say, I've been an agent for years.
04:26Of course, you should be great as a picture agent.
04:28You've never been able to get yourself a job in pictures.
04:30Well, I nearly got a job one time in a picture called The Human Race.
04:35Yeah, what happened?
04:36Oh, they said I wasn't the type.
04:42Well, then you'd certainly make a fine agent.
04:45All right, but where do you get these people you put into pictures?
04:48How do you find actors?
04:50Just carry a roast beef sandwich down the street and sign up anybody who snaps at it.
04:56Now go out and sign up some stars.
04:58Say, I got a great idea.
05:00I'll get a Jean Hollow up to the office and sign her up.
05:03Wait a minute, Jean Hollow has an agent.
05:05Yeah, but it'll be a lot of fun getting her up in the office.
05:13Say, boss, do we charge the ladies the same 10% commission?
05:17We take 10% of everything an actor gets.
05:19You know, I'm only afraid of one thing.
05:21What's that?
05:22Twins.
05:24Chico, you're a dreamer.
05:28Come on, I'll try you out as an agent.
05:30For example, if you walked into a producer's office, how would you sell them Kate Smith?
05:35I don't know.
05:36Why, you'd say, this little lady can sing, play the piano, and in an emergency, move it.
05:42Oh, gee, I got an idea.
05:44Come on, try me again.
05:45All right, suppose the studio calls up and wants a leading man like Clark Gable.
05:48What would you do?
05:49Well, you say, this little lady can sing, play the piano, and in an emergency, move it.
05:54The problem with you is you can't get your mind off Jean Hollow.
05:59Pardon me, are you the Mumps brothers?
06:02Chico, you don't have to answer that.
06:05You needn't be afraid of me.
06:07I've had the Mumps.
06:08Yeah, but you haven't had the Mops brothers.
06:12Away with false modesty.
06:13What's your name, Adam?
06:14Sadie Thompson.
06:16Hey, what's your record, Miss Thompson?
06:18I was in the California Company of Rain.
06:21I don't remember that.
06:22What was it called?
06:23Local Showers.
06:26Enough of this pitter-patter.
06:27Tell me, my little blood orange, what do you do?
06:30Well, you see, I can sing, play the piano, and in an emergency, move it.
06:36Miss Thompson, you're wasting our valuable time and jokes.
06:39Would you like to sign up with us?
06:42I should say not.
06:43Don't you remember, I was in here a month ago.
06:46I gave you my name and address, but you never got me a job.
06:50What are you going to do about it?
06:52I'll give you back your name and address.
06:55Oh, gee, thanks very much.
06:58See, I think you're swell.
07:00Oh, we're not swell.
07:02You're just being swell.
07:04I'll never forget you for this.
07:06I think you're both swell.
07:08We think you're swell, too.
07:10I don't think we're nearly as swell as she is.
07:12You are, but I certainly am not.
07:16That's a sightly swell of you to say that.
07:19Well, goodbye.
07:21It was swell seeing you.
07:23Well, it was swell seeing you, too.
07:25Swell up and see us again sometime.
07:33This is a fine location.
07:35With the type of people we're getting here, our main entrance must be on an alley.
07:39Hello, fellas.
07:43Ah, an actor, or does my nose deceive me?
07:47Say, this guy looks swell, too.
07:49No, that's not swell.
07:50Well, it's the past tense, swollen.
07:53My name is Cookie Johnson.
07:56Oh, another piano move, or is it just a piano?
07:59What do you do for a living, if you call that living?
08:02Why, I'm a radio comedian.
08:04Oh, a radio comic, eh?
08:06Well, you came to the right place.
08:08There's gonna be fireworks around here, and we need a punk like you.
08:12Are you the man who gets people jobs in pictures?
08:14No, I'm a Hollywood agent, but this is no time for the truth.
08:18Tell me, why do you want to leave the radio to go into pictures?
08:21Well, pictures is high class.
08:23Yes, isn't they?
08:28Oh, you like that, eh?
08:29No.
08:31Who's that?
08:32Oh, this is my partner, Chicko Marx.
08:34And in relation to laundry marks?
08:42Chicko, put on your brass knuckles and shake hands with Mr. Johnson.
08:48How do you do?
08:49Your name is familiar, but I don't know how to do with your face.
08:52I've got a couple of suggestions.
08:55I don't know if I want you guys for my agents.
08:57I don't know if I want an agent.
08:59You can't depend on them.
09:00I read in the paper the other day just about an agent who committed suicide by jumping off a roof.
09:05Oh, don't pay any attention to that.
09:06Why not?
09:07That was me, it was a publicity stunt.
09:09I'm getting out of here.
09:10Quick, Chicko, lock the door.
09:12Hey, wait a minute.
09:13What do you agents charge for commission?
09:15Well, 10% is our fee.
09:17Well, if it's fee, why do you charge 10%?
09:21Quick, Chicko, open the door.
09:24You know, I don't like him.
09:25Another thing.
09:26How much salary will you guarantee me?
09:28Chicko, get a contract ready and write in the salary we'll guarantee you.
09:31Okay.
09:32How do you spell coffee and cake?
09:35Hey, if I'm going to sign anything, it's got to be a legal contract.
09:38You can trust us, Mr. Johnson.
09:39We're an old established firm.
09:41We've been in this location since a quarter past seven.
09:45Here, I'll draw up the contract.
09:46How's this?
09:48Whereas you think you're a comedian, and whereas we think we're agents,
09:51and we think we can get you a job in movies,
09:53of course we're not sure, whereas...
09:58For this consideration, you, as claimant, whereas,
10:00waive retainer, thereof, whereas.
10:04That's the trouble with this country, too many foreigners.
10:08Let me see that contract.
10:10Hey, what do I pay you this 10% for?
10:13That's for overhead.
10:14Yeah, but what's this other 10% for?
10:17That's for underwear.
10:19See here, haven't you guys got any underwear?
10:21Yes, but you know, we live in a changing world.
10:24Now, let's get this straight right now.
10:27Mr. Marks, how much commission do you want?
10:30How much money do you need to live?
10:32Hey, wait, here's another 10%.
10:34Yeah, that's for overcoats.
10:36Well, I'm not going to sign this.
10:38Listen, tub of butter, when you say that, smile.
10:40Yeah, you know what happened to the last guy who didn't sign with us?
10:44No, what?
10:45He's now a star at MGM.
10:49I'll tell you what I'll do.
10:50You get me a job for $5,000 a week, and I'll give you $50.
10:54Oh, you'll get us a job for $5,000 a week, and we'll give you $100.
10:59Well, that seems fair enough.
11:00Fine, sign here, and we'll take you right over...
11:04We'll take you right over to Mr. Pincus' office at the Miracle Studios
11:07We'll take you right over to Mr. Pincus' office at the Miracle Studios
11:09and get you starred in a picture called Strike Me Pincus.
11:13Okay, but you've got to put a clause in the contract guaranteeing me work.
11:16All right, how's this?
11:18Whereas, if we don't get you a job in four consecutive months,
11:21or four consecutive jobs in one consecutive month,
11:23you're an old maid.
11:25Now sign.
11:28Now, wait a minute.
11:29Take it easy.
11:30I can't sign right away with you.
11:31You're strangers.
11:33Strangers?
11:34You're crazy.
11:35I've known Groucho for years.
11:37Well, that's different.
11:38Now sign.
11:39Where's your pen?
11:40Alcatraz.
11:47He doesn't...
11:48Not your home.
11:49The pen he means.
11:50Here you are.
11:51Thanks.
11:52Wait, there's no pen point in the pen.
11:53That doesn't matter.
11:54I can't write.
11:56Then we're even.
11:57We can't read.
12:08I'll forget the first time I fell in love.
12:12Then came the depression.
12:14You know, once I built a railroad.
12:16Then I ran out of blocks.
12:17It was just before the crash.
12:18I was eating my last chicken dinner.
12:20I was the kid with the drumstick.
12:22Then came the war.
12:27Well, the war wasn't quite that horrible.
12:30Yes, the war.
12:31And I fought and I fought.
12:32But I had to go anyway.
12:38Before...
12:39Before I knew it, I was in the thick of battle.
12:41And then we ran out of ammunition.
12:43All we have is some peas.
12:44So we shelled them.
12:47I'll never forget how surprised I was the day the general stood before me.
12:50He said,
12:51Private Marks,
12:52I've had my eye on you for a long time.
12:54I've seen you all through your preliminary training in ground work.
12:57And I want you to leave my wife alone.
13:00Of course, I was taken aback.
13:02I was taken aback to the guardhouse.
13:04And when I woke up, I had a black eye.
13:06How proud I was.
13:08My first decoration.
13:10But I found he had stripped me of everything.
13:12My pride was gone.
13:13My honor was gone.
13:14Was your watch gone too?
13:15No, but it was going.
13:17Then the armistice was declared and I crawled out of a haystack.
13:20Packed up my needle and retained home.
13:22I walked into my little gray cottage and there was my wife.
13:28That'll give you a rough idea of what kind of home Library Page has.
13:32Our home.
13:33I can see it now.
13:34A little rose-covered cottage.
13:35And there's my wife.
13:37Standing at the door.
13:38Yeah, how do you know she's standing?
13:40I saw the furniture before I left, stupid.
13:43Our home.
13:44What is home without a mother?
13:45Chico, I ask you.
13:46What is home without a mother?
13:48An incubator.
13:50So when you hear it fire
13:54Don't run under a tree
13:59There'll be panic from heaven
14:02For you and me
14:22Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
14:23That was Miss Hollis Short, Chico and myself,
14:25rendering one voice and two counterfeit choruses of Pennysome Heaven,
14:29accompanied by Raymond Page of the Mighty Cash Register.
14:33So, my friends, for Raymond Page and myself, I say goodnight.
14:37Say goodnight, Chico.
14:38Goodnight, Chico.
14:42Remember that the Hotchkiss Packing Company will not be responsible
14:45for any comedians left after 30 days.
14:54This is the Columbia Broadcasting District.
14:59This is the Columbia Broadcasting District.