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00:03:46You are about to enter Mordecai's Enterprises.
00:03:50Wipe your feet, please.
00:04:15No! No!
00:04:17Die!
00:04:22No! No!
00:04:40Marcus will be with you in just a moment.
00:04:46No!
00:04:59You may proceed.
00:05:05Splendid.
00:05:07Splendid.
00:05:09I'm really quite impressed.
00:05:12I'd like to hire this man.
00:05:14Okay, you got him.
00:05:15And please remove the debris.
00:05:17Right, Mr. Mordecai, you heard him. Get him out of here. Come on.
00:05:19My dear sonny, how good of you to come.
00:05:22I'm Mordecai.
00:05:23Pleased to meet you.
00:05:24Will your wife be joining us?
00:05:26No, she couldn't make it.
00:05:27You just get half of the team today.
00:05:29Oh, what a pity.
00:05:30I do so enjoy young people.
00:05:32It's one of my few pleasures.
00:05:34That's why I take time out occasionally from my other activities
00:05:37to produce motion pictures.
00:05:38Making money has all but lost its attraction for me.
00:05:41Actually, sonny, I am a simple man.
00:05:43And therefore my proposition is a simple one.
00:05:45I propose to produce a motion picture starring yourself and Cher.
00:05:49Oh, that's great. That's what we want to do.
00:05:52Oh, fine. Then it's settled.
00:05:53Well...
00:05:54Excuse me.
00:06:00No, no, no.
00:06:02No, there can be no extension on the loan.
00:06:06Please tell His Highness that they have exactly 24 hours to pay
00:06:10or I shall be forced to foreclose.
00:06:14Well, those were the terms.
00:06:17But don't you see, Charles, that's the point.
00:06:20Why control a company when one can control an industry?
00:06:24Oh, yes. That's final.
00:06:27Small nations are such bad risks.
00:06:30That's amazing.
00:06:32Business bores me, sonny. Motion pictures excite me.
00:06:35And I must confess that the prospect of making a motion picture
00:06:38with you and Cher is something that I find most exciting.
00:06:42All right, here's the thing.
00:06:44We've had a lot of offers.
00:06:46But I would like to have something to say
00:06:48about the creative end of our first movie.
00:06:51Yes.
00:06:53You must trust me.
00:06:55I know everything that there is to be known about you.
00:06:57But it wasn't until I saw this
00:06:59that I became convinced of your potential for the screen.
00:07:03Oh, I remember that.
00:07:05That's the thing we did for television.
00:07:07You're a nut, Dick.
00:08:02I love you.
00:08:32I love you.
00:09:02I love you.
00:09:32I love you.
00:09:34I love you.
00:09:56David!
00:10:00Exciting, isn't it?
00:10:02I love seeing yourself on the screen.
00:10:04But that was just a variety show. All we had to do was sing.
00:10:07I'd like to do a story.
00:10:09Oh, yes, a story.
00:10:11An astute observation.
00:10:13We need a story.
00:10:15And we'll get one.
00:10:17A good one. The best.
00:10:19Mere detail, of course.
00:10:21Mere frosting on the cake, so to speak.
00:10:23Mr. Mortegus, I'm sure you know what you're doing.
00:10:26But I think I could help if I could work with the writer.
00:10:29My dear, sonny, I must speak frankly.
00:10:31To create the right kind of story,
00:10:33I must have the finest writer that money can buy.
00:10:35Now, have you ever written a motion-picture script before?
00:10:38No.
00:10:40You see, trust me.
00:10:42I propose a bargain.
00:10:44If the script is wrong, you may suggest changes.
00:10:47Even create your own setting, if necessary.
00:10:49Would you accept under those terms?
00:10:52Yeah, on those conditions, I'd accept, yes.
00:10:55Fine. Then it's settled.
00:10:57The contracts will be drawn up this afternoon
00:11:00Okay, it was a pleasure meeting you.
00:11:02Uh, Marilyn, will you show Sonny to the door?
00:11:04And please give my regards to Cher.
00:11:06I'm looking forward to meeting her.
00:11:08I will. Thank you.
00:11:13Now, let's have a look at that script.
00:11:15Yes, sir.
00:11:21That's where all this needs a new cover.
00:11:25Maybe add a few pages.
00:11:28And, uh, put their names on it.
00:11:30In gold.
00:11:43Hiya, Sally.
00:11:45On my table, she has to design her new clothes.
00:11:47Don't yell at me. Yell at her. She's the one that's...
00:11:49You're her husband. You yell at her.
00:11:51Hi, hon.
00:11:53Cher, why?
00:11:55Why do you always have to draw on the man's tabletop?
00:11:57Honey, that's okay. You can just pay him a little extra.
00:12:00That's not the point, sweetheart.
00:12:02The point is, he always yells at me instead of you.
00:12:04You get away with it, and that's why you do it.
00:12:06Okay.
00:12:08Okay, what? Okay, you won't do it anymore,
00:12:10or okay, you're pacifying me?
00:12:12Okay, I won't do it anymore.
00:12:14Oh, good. That's 16 times now you promised me that.
00:12:17How was your meeting?
00:12:19Good. We're gonna make a movie.
00:12:21I really hope you know what you're doing.
00:12:23I know what I'm doing. Don't worry.
00:12:26Hey.
00:12:28Partner, come here.
00:12:32Hi.
00:12:34What are you doing?
00:12:36Playing cowboys and indians.
00:12:38Oh, yeah? How would you like it if I played cowboys and indians with your wife?
00:12:40I haven't got a wife.
00:12:42Oh, you're not married yet, huh?
00:12:44What are you supposed to be right now?
00:12:46A cowboy.
00:12:48A cowboy? A cowboy doesn't wear his guns like that.
00:12:50Come here. Let me show you how a cowboy wears his gun.
00:12:53Now you can draw. Try it.
00:12:55Better?
00:12:57Yeah.
00:12:59You want to draw on me?
00:13:01Okay.
00:13:03Okay. We'll draw on each other.
00:13:07Okay, stay there.
00:13:09When she counts to three, we'll draw.
00:13:11All right, you guys ready?
00:13:13Yeah. Yep. All right, one.
00:13:15Hey, Cher, what do you think?
00:13:17What do I think about what? Two.
00:13:19About me as a cowboy. How do I look?
00:13:21You look fabulous. Three.
00:13:23Go! Go!
00:13:35From out of the west
00:13:37comes the mighty saga of one man's struggle
00:13:39to bring peace to a lawless frontier.
00:13:43Of all the legendary lawmen,
00:13:45one man sits tallest in the saddle.
00:13:47Irving Ringo,
00:13:49sheriff of Broken Elbow, Nebraska,
00:13:51the roughest town in the west.
00:13:58To enforce the law,
00:14:00he has nothing but raw courage
00:14:02and a fast gun.
00:14:12Here on the frontier,
00:14:14a man's reputation rests on a cool hand
00:14:16and a dead eye.
00:14:19Fire!
00:14:38Say, sheriff, need any bullets today?
00:14:40Maybe I can use a few, yeah.
00:14:42Okay. You know, I never seen any man
00:14:44use as many bullets as you do.
00:14:46Ah, you know how it is in my business.
00:14:48A quick fire shot there, it all adds up.
00:14:50Say, sheriff, did you hear about
00:14:52Knife McBlade breaking jail last week?
00:14:54Last week?
00:14:56Knife McBlade?
00:14:58Yeah. You think he'll come gunning for you
00:15:00for sending him up?
00:15:02Let him come. I'm ready for him.
00:15:04Say, sheriff, I never seen anybody
00:15:06wear his gun like you do.
00:15:08Quickest way to fire a shot.
00:15:10Throw a can over there. I'll show you what I mean.
00:15:12A what? Throw a can out there.
00:15:14Oh, a can. Yeah, sure.
00:15:16Throw it back.
00:15:22See what I mean?
00:15:24Come on, rover.
00:15:26See that, rover? You gotta be tough and hard.
00:15:28You just wait outside. I'll be right back.
00:15:30Go on in for a bowl of chili.
00:15:32Stay there.
00:15:42Rover, I told you to wait outside.
00:15:44Now go on!
00:15:46Stupid horse.
00:15:56Who's the priest?
00:15:58Ever hear a tale of the fastest gun in the west?
00:16:00And the toughest man in the west.
00:16:02That's right, stranger.
00:16:04That's serving Ringo, sheriff, of this here town.
00:16:06He won't be so tough today.
00:16:08The last critter that said that to Ringo
00:16:10fell 30 pieces of lead
00:16:12before he could get his gun out.
00:16:14Gardner killed him.
00:16:16Herb and Ringo don't know the meaning of the word fear.
00:16:18Maybe it's about time for some learning, huh?
00:16:20Possibly.
00:16:22Come on!
00:16:40I want to have a word with you, buddy.
00:16:42Name's Ringo.
00:16:44Irving Ringo.
00:16:46I like it, Iz.
00:16:48Like it's mud.
00:16:50Irving mud.
00:16:52It's Ringo Irving Ringo.
00:17:06How's the chili?
00:17:08Not that good.
00:17:10Something missing in it today, I don't know.
00:17:12Maybe it's Tabasco sauce.
00:17:21You shouldn't have done that, stranger.
00:17:26Knock that off.
00:17:36You didn't have the nerve, did you?
00:17:40Cross that line.
00:17:50Ah!
00:18:06You still didn't have the nerve, huh?
00:18:08Oh, I got a six-gun here
00:18:10that says you're yella.
00:18:12Well, where's it say that?
00:18:14In a trigger finger just itchin' to prove it.
00:18:16I gave him every chance.
00:18:20Hey, look at that.
00:18:24Say, you got a bottle of drinks?
00:18:26Ah!
00:18:44You had enough?
00:18:51Oh!
00:18:57Hey, that's it.
00:18:59That's what was missing.
00:19:06Oh, and stay out!
00:19:10Ah!
00:19:20Whoo!
00:19:28Irving Bubby.
00:19:30Oh!
00:19:32Sheriff, did you miss her?
00:19:34Didn't you just see what I...
00:19:36Sorry about that, ma'am.
00:19:38You know, I'd like to get to know you better.
00:19:40Well, I was born in a log cabin.
00:19:42No, no, I mean really get to know you, Irving.
00:19:45Get to know her!
00:19:47Get to know her!
00:19:50Nice time to show your appreciation, right, boys?
00:19:52Yeah!
00:19:54Why don't you sing him a song?
00:19:56Oh!
00:20:02Chucks, ma'am, I can't sing.
00:20:04Don't let that stop you.
00:20:13If you think you got trouble
00:20:15I knew a girl named Bubble
00:20:17She did a dance she called the paradise
00:20:22Ain't that nice
00:20:27One night she did a dance
00:20:29She had him in a trance
00:20:31Till some wise guy brought a safety pin
00:20:36Now she wears a grin
00:20:40Ride on, ride on, young Mary, go round
00:20:45Don't be afraid, cause it won't break down
00:20:49Dance and sing and raise your glass
00:20:53Drink to the good times
00:20:55And hope, my friend, that they last
00:21:01So if you're feeling blue
00:21:03It's really nothing new
00:21:05And here's a lesson you should take from me
00:21:11Because it's free
00:21:15Just you remember, friend
00:21:17To find that happy end
00:21:19To find the part of gold where rainbows shine
00:21:24You've got to take the time
00:21:28To ride on, ride on, young Mary, go round
00:21:33Don't be afraid, cause it won't break down
00:21:37Dance and sing and raise your glass
00:21:41Drink to the good times
00:21:43And hope, my friend, that they last
00:22:08Whoo!
00:22:10Whoo!
00:22:12Whoo!
00:22:14Whoo!
00:22:16Whoo!
00:22:18Whoo!
00:22:20Whoo!
00:22:22Whoo!
00:22:24Whoo!
00:22:26Whoo!
00:22:28Whoo!
00:22:30Whoo!
00:22:32Whoo!
00:22:34Whoo!
00:22:36Whoo!
00:23:06Whoo!
00:23:08Whoo!
00:23:10Whoo!
00:23:12Whoo!
00:23:14Whoo!
00:23:16Whoo!
00:23:18Whoo!
00:23:20Whoo!
00:23:22Whoo!
00:23:24Whoo!
00:23:26Whoo!
00:23:28Whoo!
00:23:30Whoo!
00:23:32Whoo!
00:23:34Whoo!
00:23:36Whoo!
00:23:38Whoo!
00:23:40Whoo!
00:23:42Whoo!
00:23:44Whoo!
00:23:46Whoo!
00:23:48Whoo!
00:23:50Whoo!
00:23:52Whoo!
00:23:54Whoo!
00:23:56Whoo!
00:23:58So if you're feeling blue
00:24:00There's really nothing new
00:24:02Here's a lesson you should take from me
00:24:07Because it's free
00:24:11Just to remember a friend
00:24:13To find a happy end
00:24:15To find a pot of gold where rainbows shine
00:24:20You've got to take the time
00:24:24To ride on, ride on
00:24:27Every go round
00:24:29Don't be afraid
00:24:31Cos it won't break down
00:24:33Dance and sing
00:24:35And raise your glass
00:24:37Thank you for dancing
00:24:39With my friends
00:24:41I say laugh
00:24:45Whoo!
00:24:47Whoo!
00:24:49Whoo!
00:24:51Whoo!
00:24:53Whoo!
00:24:55Chef, I got a message for you.
00:24:57Chef Blade and his brothers are coming in on the 247 stage.
00:25:00Hey, aren't you scared?
00:25:02I ain't afraid.
00:25:04Not while I know how to use this.
00:25:07Did you hurt yourself?
00:25:09Nah, it's nothing. Nothing.
00:25:11All right, all my deputies up here.
00:25:14Luke, Sam, Pete, come on.
00:25:21Come on, you guys. You heard the sheriff. Get up there.
00:25:25Luke, Sam, Pete, all my deputies, come on up here.
00:25:28I'll tell you how we're gonna handle this thing.
00:25:37Irving, my boy,
00:25:39I've got a wife and five hungry kids, you know.
00:25:49Tough luck, Irving.
00:25:52Oh, I'm awful sorry, Mr. Irving,
00:25:54but I'd like to have a wife and five hungry kids someday.
00:26:04Sorry, Irving.
00:26:06I've got bad eyes.
00:26:10Those are the brakes, kid.
00:26:13It's my gun hand.
00:26:15My gun hand's going bad.
00:26:17My gun hand. I'm sorry.
00:26:20I'm terribly sorry, Sheriff. I've got to pass.
00:26:28I'm sorry, Irving.
00:26:32When you swore me in,
00:26:34I said I'd never do nothing like this.
00:26:39I ain't got no guts.
00:26:44Cry about it.
00:26:47Cry, baby.
00:26:53I didn't want to be a deputy anyway, Irving.
00:26:57Why don't you make her a deputy?
00:27:00Good luck, Irving.
00:27:03Too bad, Irv.
00:27:05Too bad.
00:27:07So long, old pal.
00:27:09So long, Irv.
00:27:15Bye, Sheriff.
00:27:17Bye, Sheriff.
00:27:19Bye, Sheriff.
00:27:21Bye, Irving.
00:27:23Bye, Irving.
00:27:25Bye, Irving.
00:27:27Bye, Irving.
00:27:29Bye, Irving.
00:27:31Bye, Irving.
00:27:47Broken elbow.
00:28:01Come on!
00:28:31Come on!
00:29:01Come on!
00:29:31Come on!
00:30:01Gotcha!
00:30:05Did he get me?
00:30:07Afraid so, pal.
00:30:09What kind of a cowboy do you think you'd make now?
00:30:12Not that good, I guess.
00:30:14Here's your gun, kid.
00:30:17See you, Sheriff.
00:30:31Yeah!
00:30:54Hiya, Scrooge.
00:30:56Good to see you.
00:30:59You want some?
00:31:10What's the matter with you?
00:31:12Scrooge, you're not a human.
00:31:14You're just a dog.
00:31:16You're just a little P.U.P. dog.
00:31:18Now, come on. It's delicious.
00:31:20You'll love it. Just try it one time.
00:31:24Everybody's a critic today.
00:31:26Here.
00:31:28Okay, let's settle this like men.
00:31:30Follow me.
00:31:32A three-year-old dog is going to criticize my sauce.
00:31:35Sheriff, I need some help, sweetheart.
00:31:38I'm still not talking to you.
00:31:40What? Look, I brought you a present.
00:31:43I don't want your present.
00:31:45Take off that hat. You look ridiculous.
00:31:47Come on, pa. We shouldn't fight in front of our fans.
00:31:49What do you mean? In front of what fans?
00:31:51Scrooge.
00:31:53You're not funny, Sonny.
00:31:55And you're ridiculous, and I don't want you riding a motorcycle.
00:31:58Sheriff, I'm just going to ride it on the side streets,
00:32:00and besides, I look sexy in it.
00:32:02Now, will you please tell me where you put the keys?
00:32:04Sonny, I'm not telling you where I put the keys.
00:32:06And if you want to look sexy, buy yourself a bikini.
00:32:08Oh, bud, look. Here.
00:32:12How's that? What about it?
00:32:14What do you think of it? It's okay. Why?
00:32:16Because I'm having an argument with Scrooge,
00:32:18and he doesn't think it's that great.
00:32:20He should argue with you.
00:32:22I'm glad for buying a motorcycle without me knowing it.
00:32:24Oh, come on, bud.
00:32:26Don't be like that now.
00:32:28Say, this is lovely. When did you do it?
00:32:30Saturday. Why don't you take off that hat?
00:32:32You look like an idiot.
00:32:34I'm going to paint your name on it.
00:32:36I don't care. Why don't you work on your little movie?
00:32:38Tell you what. Tell me where you put the keys,
00:32:40and I'll give you my own, very own, very favorite statue.
00:32:42I don't care. I don't want your favorite statue.
00:32:44I hate that statue more than I hate your motorcycle,
00:32:47because I think it looks like Mr. Mortimer.
00:32:49His name is Mortegus, and you know it.
00:32:51How do you know what he looks like? You've never seen him before.
00:32:54Good. I don't want to.
00:32:56Yeah, just for that, I'm not going to let you meet him.
00:32:58Big deal. Of course. Yeah? Yeah.
00:33:00Yeah? Yeah. Well, don't ask to meet him, then.
00:33:02Okay, I won't.
00:33:06Don't think this argument's over just because I've been interrupted.
00:33:13Hi. Mr. Mortegus requests your presence.
00:33:16Mortegus wants to see me now?
00:33:18Mr. Mortegus regrets the inconvenience and begs your indulgence.
00:33:22Okay, I'll come.
00:33:24Mr. Mortegus also requests the presence of your wife.
00:33:26Oh, boy, you couldn't have picked a better time for that.
00:33:29Let me see. Hold it.
00:33:37How would you like to meet Mr. Mortegus?
00:33:39You've got to be kidding. After that big speech you just gave me?
00:33:43Who's out there? Warren.
00:33:45Who's Warren?
00:33:47I kind of like Mr. Mortegus's red hair, man.
00:33:49What does he want?
00:33:51He wants us to go see Mr. Mortegus.
00:33:53Let Mr. Mortegus come and see us.
00:33:55Sure he can. His time is more involved than ours.
00:33:57Do you want to come or not?
00:33:59All right, I'll do it for you, but I don't like it.
00:34:01You don't like what?
00:34:03I don't like this whole situation. I think you're bending.
00:34:05What does that mean?
00:34:07I don't know, but we'll see.
00:34:11Wild, huh?
00:34:13Where are the bat poles?
00:34:15Come on, cool it.
00:34:17No, we really have to find the bat room.
00:34:19Will you cut it out?
00:34:28Boy, this is really wild.
00:34:36These are not the clouds I ordered.
00:34:38This entire sky is wrong.
00:34:40Absolutely unacceptable.
00:34:42You may strike the sky. I've finished with it.
00:34:44Yes, sir. Atrocious sky, Mr. Emerson.
00:34:46Hi, Sonny. You must be Cher.
00:34:48Cher, Mr. Mortegus.
00:34:50What was wrong with the sky?
00:34:52That's a delightful outfit you're wearing, my dear.
00:34:54I understand you design your own thing.
00:34:56Come on.
00:34:58One shot.
00:35:00Get in here.
00:35:02The snows will have to go.
00:35:04Are the sets under construction?
00:35:06Everything moving, Chief.
00:35:08Casting completed?
00:35:10Ready to roll in a week, sir.
00:35:12Then we're right on schedule.
00:35:14It's about enough of all that.
00:35:16Let's have it quiet on the set, please.
00:35:18We're going to have a press conference
00:35:20in Mr. Mortegus' office in about an hour.
00:35:22All you folks from radio, television and the press
00:35:24will be taken care of then.
00:35:26You'll meet Sonny and Cher and talk to them.
00:35:28The rest of you folks, we want it clear this stage.
00:35:30You understand? We want no one on here.
00:35:32Sylvan, lock that door.
00:35:34Ladies and gentlemen, if you will.
00:35:36Come on, everybody out.
00:35:38Mr. Garth.
00:35:40Good morning, Mr. M. We're in great shape.
00:35:42This thing is a gas.
00:35:44Leslie Garth.
00:35:46Nice to meet you. You're going to love this.
00:35:48Seems about right, wouldn't you say, Warren?
00:35:50Yes, it feels about like 90 minutes,
00:35:52give or take an ounce or two, sir.
00:35:54Perfect. Production will begin in 10 days.
00:35:56Warren, tell Wardrobe to move right ahead.
00:35:58I didn't think we were going to start that soon.
00:36:00Times of the essence, Sonny.
00:36:02This picture must be in release before the end of summer.
00:36:04What's the delay? Everything's set.
00:36:06Yeah, but you said if I didn't like the story,
00:36:08I could make some changes.
00:36:10Yes.
00:36:12You have a point.
00:36:14I suggest a compromise.
00:36:16Mr. Garth will tell us the story
00:36:18in capsule form.
00:36:20All else is embellishment.
00:36:22As we've agreed, it's the story that's important.
00:36:24Okay, fine. I'd like to hear the story.
00:36:26Mr. Garth?
00:36:28Uh...
00:36:30We, uh, we open, uh...
00:36:36We open...
00:36:38big, see?
00:36:40Steam shovels, derricks, bulldozers
00:36:42all plowing up the earth.
00:36:44Lots of noise. It's progress, see?
00:36:46Symbolic.
00:36:48Just the story, Mr. Garth, briefly.
00:36:50Sure, sure. Get to it, Mr. M.
00:36:52Now, here's this boy,
00:36:54Mr. Garth,
00:36:56Now, here's this boy and girl, see?
00:36:58Nice kids, but nowhere.
00:37:00Slobs. They live in hillbilly country, you dig?
00:37:02And they sing.
00:37:04They even made a hillbilly record,
00:37:06only it never sold.
00:37:08Real tapped-out cats.
00:37:10No bread in the bank, none in the house,
00:37:12and not much house.
00:37:14Solid poverty, dig?
00:37:16Now, that way we grab sympathy for them
00:37:18right off the top you're rooting for.
00:37:20And we keep laying in that misery
00:37:22real good till you're crying, you know?
00:37:24Real tough times, like, uh,
00:37:26they starve for no food,
00:37:28the still won't work,
00:37:30a neighbor steals their mule.
00:37:32There won't be a dry eye in the house.
00:37:36And when you think
00:37:38things can't get any worse...
00:37:40Bam! They do.
00:37:42The anti-poverty people are coming through.
00:37:44They want to put up a housing development.
00:37:46They want to relocate them.
00:37:48Now, most cats would jump at the chance, but not our kids.
00:37:50No, they love their house.
00:37:52They want to hang on to it. Individualism, dig?
00:37:54Why, they'd rather stay slobs
00:37:56than let the government own them.
00:37:58But the government's coming on strong,
00:38:00and our kids look like sure losers
00:38:02when, bam, another miracle.
00:38:04I mean, right out of the blue.
00:38:06One night, this jockey gets bombed,
00:38:08the local guy, see?
00:38:10And he plays their record by mistake.
00:38:12And all of a sudden, they're a smash,
00:38:14the hit of the world, eh?
00:38:16Now, for a real upbeat ending,
00:38:18the kids zoom to the top, see?
00:38:20Nothing but loot.
00:38:22But they're all hot.
00:38:24I mean, they're real.
00:38:26Now, get this for a twist, will you?
00:38:28At the finish, the kids hire a big-time lawyer,
00:38:30and he searches the records
00:38:32and finds a loophole,
00:38:34and the government can't buy the house.
00:38:36Now, the kids put a lot of money into it
00:38:38and turn it into...
00:38:40a monument to hillbilly music.
00:38:42I mean, is that great?
00:38:44I mean, can you feel it?
00:38:46I mean, is that custom-made?
00:38:48I mean, is that great?
00:38:50I mean, can you feel it?
00:38:52I mean, is that custom-made?
00:39:04Uh, I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings,
00:39:06but, uh...
00:39:08Well, that story about the cops
00:39:10Well, that story might be great for somebody else,
00:39:13but it isn't something we could do.
00:39:17Well, what didn't you like about it?
00:39:29Well, it's just something we couldn't do.
00:39:32You just can't do it. Why?
00:39:34Mr. Garth, don't get emotional. Writers are so sensitive.
00:39:36I write a great ending and she breaks up.
00:39:38Mr. M, you said this thing was all wrapped up.
00:39:40All we had to do was...
00:39:41It's a little work, but it's basically sound.
00:39:43Tried and true theme, rags to riches, works every time.
00:39:45Perhaps it loses something in the telling.
00:39:47It's solid, Mr. M, solid.
00:39:49Taylor and Burton would do it in a minute.
00:39:51No doubt.
00:39:52Mr. Mourningus, I'm telling you now,
00:39:55there's no way we can do that story.
00:39:59Oh.
00:40:03Well, our contract calls for a picture.
00:40:07Not necessarily this one.
00:40:09But we must begin in ten days.
00:40:11You have until then to create your own vehicle.
00:40:14And please feel free to call upon Mr. Garth
00:40:16for any assistance that you might require.
00:40:19Ten days?
00:40:23For a genius, ten days is an eternity.
00:40:26The world was created in seven.
00:40:29You have three extra days.
00:40:31And all of this to work with. Make of it what you will.
00:40:38It's kind of exciting, isn't it?
00:40:41Yeah.
00:40:46Hey, that's a yeah that doesn't mean yeah at all.
00:40:51What's the matter, bud?
00:40:53Oh, I don't know, son.
00:40:55I'm just trying to figure out
00:40:57what's going on between you and Mr. Garth.
00:40:59I don't know what's going on between you and Mr. Garth.
00:41:02I don't know what's going on between you and Mr. Garth.
00:41:05What's the matter, bud?
00:41:07Oh, I don't know, son.
00:41:09Are you sure you want to get mixed up with those creeps?
00:41:15Something's a little weird.
00:41:17Listen, he ought to know what he's doing, Cherry.
00:41:19He owns half of the world.
00:41:21Yeah, and I think he wants to own you, too.
00:41:26Have I ever steered you wrong yet?
00:41:29No.
00:41:31Well?
00:41:33You've already stricken whatever it is I'm supposed to be.
00:41:38Hey, you.
00:41:40Would I let him do that to us?
00:41:45Trust me
00:41:52All you gotta do is trust me
00:41:56All you gotta know is everywhere I go
00:42:00Everything I do, I do it just for you
00:42:06So trust me
00:42:12Trust me
00:42:25Cos I need you more
00:42:30Than I've ever needed you before
00:42:43Hey, my friend
00:42:45I don't know where you are
00:42:52But I'll be there
00:42:55I'll help you find your star
00:43:04There's not a face
00:43:06Can't take your place by far
00:43:15So hey, my friend
00:43:17I'm always where you are
00:43:26Hey, my friend
00:43:28You know I like your style
00:43:36So I think I'll hang around a while
00:43:47And I don't mean just a year or two
00:43:57So I'll just spend my life, friend, loving you
00:44:13There are a million things
00:44:16I'd like to be
00:44:18Like sailing a ship across a stormy sea
00:44:24A captain so brave he's feared by all his crew
00:44:29That's what I'll be
00:44:32How about you?
00:44:35I'd like to ride upon a merry-go-round
00:44:40And be all dressed up just like a circus clown
00:44:46I'd hold up a hula hoop and you could jump too
00:44:51That's what I'll be
00:44:54How about you?
00:44:57There are a million things I'd like to be
00:45:03Like sailing a ship across a stormy sea
00:45:09A captain so brave he's feared by all his crew
00:45:14That's what I'll be
00:45:17How about you?
00:45:19How did I ever wind up with somebody like you?
00:45:22I don't know, just lucky, I guess
00:45:24Well, tell me something, what are you supposed to be right now?
00:45:29I'm Aladdin's lamp
00:45:31You're the son of Aladdin's lamp
00:45:37I'm a magician
00:45:39Oh, yeah? Well, I'm Snow White
00:45:45Hey, Cher
00:45:48Cher, I got it
00:45:50I'm King of the Jungle
00:46:02Boy, are you clumsy
00:46:04That's the fourth time today
00:46:06So I lost my balance
00:46:08How can you lose what you never had?
00:46:10Listen, that's no way to talk to Jungle Mori
00:46:12King of the Jungle, ruler of all...
00:46:14Will you stop with that King of the Jungle jazz?
00:46:16You're a grown man
00:46:17Oh, yeah? You want to hear something?
00:46:19No, please, you can be the king or the prince or anything
00:46:21Just don't let go with one of those awful yells
00:46:23Who says it's awful?
00:46:24Everybody in the world
00:46:25Besides them, who?
00:46:26Besides them, we got to get going
00:46:28What time is it?
00:46:29I'll tell you what time it is
00:46:39So what time is it?
00:46:41It's 11 o'clock
00:46:55Well, there you are, folks
00:46:57Take a look at that great wash job
00:46:59Now, Buona
00:47:01I've got a deal for you and Jet
00:47:03Not Buona, me, Mori, Jungle Mori
00:47:05King of the Jungle
00:47:07I was brought up by ape
00:47:09I'm the only man who can talk to animals
00:47:11You put me on...
00:47:13Oh, you don't believe me, huh?
00:47:15Please, believe him, believe him
00:47:17Listen
00:47:40Very nice
00:47:41Thank you
00:47:42How much for the wash?
00:47:43That'll be three fish
00:47:58Gollum!
00:48:03That sounds like a lion
00:48:04Good thinking
00:48:05Don't worry about it
00:48:06That sounds like a lion
00:48:07Good thinking
00:48:08Don't worry, Zora
00:48:09I'll save you
00:48:10Please, do me a favor
00:48:11Don't save me
00:48:12I gotta save you
00:48:13Or I wouldn't be Jungle Mori
00:48:14King of the Jungle
00:48:15Will you leave the poor thing alone?
00:48:16He's tired of wrestling you every day
00:48:18For crying out loud
00:48:19Don't panic, Zora
00:48:20Don't panic
00:48:21I'll get him
00:48:24Gollum!
00:48:29Ha!
00:48:31Ha!
00:48:32Ha!
00:48:36Ha!
00:48:54Will you come on and get this thing over with?
00:48:57Mori, please, leave him alone
00:49:00Beat it, this is your lucky day
00:49:27Gollum!
00:49:43Ha!
00:49:44Will you stop acting like an idiot?
00:49:46Ha!
00:49:47What's for dinner?
00:49:48I thought we called Jungle Delight
00:49:50Jungle Delight?
00:49:52What do you do all day?
00:49:53I can't get a home-cooked meal
00:49:55Look, you knew when you met me
00:49:56I wasn't the domestic type
00:49:58Forget the one-liners, will you?
00:49:59Just get my robe
00:50:05Jungle Delight
00:50:07I hate it
00:50:09Not today!
00:50:13And now, in living color
00:50:15The exciting adventures of Jungle Geno
00:50:19Zora, Zora, come here, quick!
00:50:21What's the matter? What's wrong?
00:50:22What's wrong? It's that fake again
00:50:25That phony, that imposter
00:50:27I got a good mind to sue him
00:50:29Oh, Mori, will you forget it? Just relax
00:50:31Hey, look at you one time
00:50:33He's not even using a real vine
00:50:38Such a jerk
00:50:46Where's my faithful companion Pizza?
00:50:48How am I supposed to know?
00:50:50He said he was going for a walk
00:50:51A walk? Where's he got to walk to?
00:50:54Oh, Jungle Geno
00:50:56You underestimate my power
00:50:58Pizza! Pizza!
00:51:03Pizza!
00:51:06Read them and weep, baby
00:51:07The dice are mine today
00:51:09There, that's the rent
00:51:10Now for the groceries
00:51:12Pizza!
00:51:13Oh, man, what's that cat want now?
00:51:16Oh, what a nut...
00:51:17Oh, come to me, green stuff
00:51:18Shut up and shoot
00:51:20Coming out
00:51:22Sheesh
00:51:23Twenty-eight straight passes
00:51:25This is incroyable
00:51:27How about that?
00:51:28Okay, the point's eight
00:51:30Eight from the cannon
00:51:32Coming out
00:51:33I can't stand it
00:51:35Let's see them dice
00:51:36I can't stand it
00:51:37What is this?
00:51:38Those are new dice
00:51:39Yandere
00:51:40Hell, you guys are sore losers
00:51:42You always win because you cheat
00:51:44I'm going to belt somebody
00:51:45Come back here, big bad wolf
00:51:47I'm about to wipe them out
00:51:49I'm about to wipe them out
00:52:20Can't you wait till you get through with dinner?
00:52:22He's one of my dearest friends
00:52:23How often do I get to see him?
00:52:25Hiya, Pizza
00:52:27Playin' a little checkers
00:52:31Hmm
00:52:36Hmm?
00:52:38Hmm?
00:52:40Hmm?
00:52:42Hmm?
00:52:44Hmm?
00:52:46Hmm?
00:52:48Hmm?
00:52:51Hmm
00:53:03Not that one, stupid
00:53:06Look, if you're going to watch a game, don't kibitz
00:53:18Hmm
00:53:32Boy, you know, that's the stupidest thing you've done all day
00:53:35What do you mean?
00:53:43I told you, I don't want animals in this house
00:53:46Sore loser
00:53:48I can't concentrate when somebody watches every move I make
00:53:51Listen, Morrie, I want you to have a talk with the kid
00:53:54You know, he's still hanging out with that bad crowd
00:53:56Don't worry, it's just a stage he's going through
00:53:59Yeah, and you never pay him any attention
00:54:01At least you can talk to him once in a while
00:54:03Hi, kid
00:54:04How you doing, kid?
00:54:05I don't mean yell out the window
00:54:07I mean go down and have a talk with him
00:54:09Boy, you nag
00:54:10I'll give you a nag
00:54:17How you doing, boy, huh?
00:54:19How you coming with that dugout canoe?
00:54:21Got it finished yet, kid?
00:54:23It's about half done
00:54:25How do you like it?
00:54:28Hmm, that's a nice thing, boy
00:54:31Boy, the school asked me to talk to you about your hair
00:54:34Why do you have to wear it so short?
00:54:36It's a fad
00:54:37Everybody's wearing their hair shorter
00:54:39Yeah, but, boy, it doesn't look good
00:54:41It doesn't look clean
00:54:42It looks like you're rebelling against something
00:54:44Oh, boy
00:54:45Boy, what's going to become of you, huh?
00:54:47Don't worry, J.M., it's just a stage I'm going through
00:54:51Aah!
00:54:53What is that? What is it?
00:54:54Uncle Laurie, there's a message for you
00:54:56I think it's urgent
00:54:57Aah!
00:55:15There it is
00:55:17At last
00:55:19The elephant's graveyard
00:55:21Enough ivory to bring untold riches
00:55:26And it's all mine
00:55:29All right, men, move in and take it
00:55:32Aah!
00:55:35Aah!
00:55:37Hyah!
00:55:38Turn back
00:55:41Hyah!
00:55:42Turn back
00:55:44Only elephants allowed in elephants' graveyard
00:55:47Out of my way, clown
00:55:49I'm not a clown
00:55:51Jungle Maury, king of the jungle
00:55:53I was brought up by the apes
00:55:55I'm the only man that can talk to the animals
00:55:57Now what do you think?
00:55:59Out of my way, or I'll be forced to dispose of you
00:56:02You don't understand
00:56:03All I got to do is yell out there one time
00:56:05And every animal in this jungle will come running
00:56:08I mean, it's worse than the freeway
00:56:10You'll get trampled
00:56:11I detest violence
00:56:13But you leave me no alternative
00:56:15Gentlemen
00:56:17All right, don't say I didn't warn you
00:56:19Aah!
00:56:23Aah!
00:56:34Don't say I didn't warn you
00:56:36Aah!
00:56:42Aah!
00:56:48Aah!
00:56:57Say, fellas
00:56:58Little help, fellas
00:57:00Not kidding
00:57:02Up and at them, boys
00:57:03Let's go
00:57:04A joke's a joke, come on, fellas
00:57:07I'm serious
00:57:09After him
00:57:12Aah!
00:57:26Aah!
00:57:31Aah!
00:57:32Aah!
00:57:42Aah!
00:57:48Aah!
00:57:54Aah!
00:57:59What do you want?
00:58:02What a day
00:58:04Oh, man
00:58:07Get over here, skunch
00:58:09Good morning
00:58:10Good morning
00:58:11Who's Zora, son?
00:58:13Zora is a very important lady in my life
00:58:17You're not gonna have any life if you don't tell me who she is
00:58:20Tell you what
00:58:21You tell me where you put my motorcycle keys
00:58:23And I'll tell you who Zora is
00:58:25Make your bed a deal
00:58:27I won't break that statue over your head
00:58:29If you don't tell me who Zora is
00:58:32Make your bed a deal
00:58:33I won't break that statue over your head
00:58:35If you don't tell me who Zora is
00:58:37All right, I dreamt I was Jungle Mori
00:58:39And you were his girl companion, Zora
00:58:41And we lived off the fat of the jungle
00:58:44Well, why'd you have to pick a name like Zora?
00:58:46I didn't, I came with a dream
00:58:48Well, where are you going?
00:58:49I'm just gonna check the bike
00:58:51I'll be right back
00:58:52Well, what am I supposed to do?
00:58:54I'll be right back
00:58:55I'll be right back
00:59:25Don't talk to strangers
00:59:42Pray
00:59:56Don't talk to strangers
01:00:04Pray
01:00:12Don't talk to strangers
01:00:19Pray
01:00:25You
01:00:55You
01:01:25You
01:01:56Here you go scooch you don't want some TV
01:02:04Look it's a favorite program
01:02:09Don't believe you too
01:02:13Why don't you give him his own car
01:02:17Good you think she should be detective. I don't want to be detective
01:02:21He thinks you'd make a great detective scoons, you know, what kind of a detective I'd make cuz he thinks you can do anything
01:02:28Oh, yeah. Yeah
01:02:38So far out it might work
01:02:40Wouldn't that be wild?
01:02:42me a private eye
01:02:45All I'd have to do is learn how to sneer
01:02:51Why not I got the looks for it
01:03:05It had been a tough day
01:03:07Exciting but tough in this business. They all are the names pizzicato Johnny pizzicato private eye
01:03:13I
01:03:19Was 815 maybe 820 possibly 840 with a cheap watch you can't tell
01:03:44Who let you in mister I came here to warn you but what is the Ruthiens killers followed me you'll be here any second
01:03:51What do you think I?
01:03:58Think you ought to knock next time he comes through that door. There was no time
01:04:02He's after you but now he'll kill me because I know what they're up to and if he kills me
01:04:05They'll still be after you only then I will be able to tell you what they're up to you mind repeating that baby
01:04:09There's no time. No time. Why not? It's only 815. Maybe 820
01:04:15Possibly 840. All right, wait in there. I'll handle this
01:04:35Where is she pizzicato
01:04:37Mr. Pizzicato baby cakes
01:05:03All right, which one is she
01:05:07How should I know I
01:05:12Only met her today
01:05:19That's my third window this week, all right, baby, what's this all about?
01:05:35That can really be painful
01:05:37I
01:05:47Decisions all day decisions
01:06:00Good evening, mr. Pizzicato
01:06:07Oh
01:06:13Hello Johnny, I called you last night don't call me. I'll call you frog legs
01:06:24Yes that table in the main room baby cakes reservations only
01:06:30Got table in the main room baby cakes
01:06:34See if I can squeeze you in
01:06:37I've gotta have you
01:06:42Yes, gentlemen, yeah you got a table in the main room
01:06:50I'll see what I can do step this way gentlemen. You ought to give up smoking
01:07:07I don't let him get out of sight when he leaves we take
01:07:37I
01:08:07I
01:08:37I
01:08:45See those two punks over there they're tailing me, baby
01:08:50Johnny have you ever thought of getting into some other kind of work man's got to stick to the work. He knows best
01:08:56That's what I mean. It's privatized stuff is getting us nowhere
01:08:59Look Sam. I told you a hundred times
01:09:03Next case I saw bang we get married. That's what I mean. You told me a hundred times
01:09:10What's a hurry Sam you're only 19
01:09:13Yeah, but we've been engaged seven years people are beginning to talk
01:09:18Not as much as they talked when we first got engaged
01:09:25Maybe you're right
01:09:28Maybe I ought to get into some other racket. No, you'd never be happy. It's in your blood. It's been too many years in the force
01:09:36Yeah, I was a best too
01:09:39Why'd they kick you out? I
01:09:41Still think the police commissioner was behind it. Yeah, but he's your uncle
01:09:46Politics it can happen to anybody
01:09:54Looks like I gotta go to work Sam
01:09:57Don't go away
01:10:27Are you sure it was politics that got you kicked off the force
01:10:58Come on
01:11:02Get in
01:11:18Excellent gentlemen, you've captured Pizzicato
01:11:21Why should I bother with an unemployed private detective?
01:11:24You already control all the crime in the city quite but the police commissioners proved annoying lately. He must be disposed of
01:11:30He's Pizzicato's uncle. Therefore. I shall use Pizzicato's as the man to kill him
01:11:37Don't interrupt now
01:11:40Can you hear me Pizzicato I
01:11:46Hear you
01:11:50You will obey my every word
01:11:54I
01:11:56Will obey
01:11:59your every word
01:12:02He is completely hypnotized
01:12:05He will do precisely as I instruct
01:12:09The tough. Mr. Pizzicato is now reduced to a babe in arms
01:12:15Dad
01:12:18Now then all I have to do is to send him into police headquarters
01:12:24Carrying this bomb tuned to go off at the sound of the phone in the interrogation room and in one hour the police commissioner
01:12:30Will be blown to bits. Yeah, but boss. What if nobody dials that number? We'll make sure of that ourselves. Oh, yeah, that's creative
01:12:36That's creative a moxie boss. And the best part of it is that the police commissioner's own nephew will be solely responsible
01:12:47You
01:12:55Tell me where is Pizzicato you really want to know lieutenant? Oh for two hours
01:13:00I've been asking your questions the commissioners in this office getting ready to fire me and you ask me do I really want to know?
01:13:07No, of course not
01:13:09All right, I won't tell you of course. I want to know he's right behind you. I
01:13:14Know where he was all the time Johnny. What's the matter? Are you okay?
01:13:19Does look a little funny and you feel all right dad I
01:13:26Better call the commissioner
01:13:31Watch the line is busy
01:13:33Try it again. I
01:13:36Know he's entitled to one phone call, but he's been on that phone for 20 minutes and he hasn't said a word
01:13:41So he's a good listener
01:13:50What it's ringing it's ringing this is it
01:13:59Incompetent fool another minute of this and I'll really blow up
01:14:11I
01:14:13Got it. I got it. It's ringing. It's ringing
01:14:16Hello, we're going to hit the explosion the bomb is
01:14:28Boy to say hello
01:14:30It's just a Ruth Ian's headquarters exploding into action Johnny. Yes, sir. Ruth Ian's headquarters. Where is he?
01:14:37By now several places it depends on which part of them you want to find Johnny, you're all right. Sure. I'm all right
01:14:43I must have been hypnotized but I slept it off Johnny. You're gonna tell me what happened
01:14:47I'm gonna lock you up and throw that key away
01:14:50It's simple lieutenant
01:14:54Sir Ruth Ian hypnotized me placed a bomb in my pocket tuned to go off when that phone rang
01:14:59But he didn't know that before he hypnotized me
01:15:01I overheard his plan managed to switch the box containing the bomb with an identical box. They had at their headquarters
01:15:08So the Ruth Ian wound up placing this box in my pocket
01:15:12Well, the one with the bomb was left there to explode when the sound of your phone ring came through the receiver of their phone
01:15:18You got it. Yeah, and I'd like to give it back to you. Look lieutenant, please. Please not again
01:15:24As long as the diabolic sir Ruth Ian is done for and we're safe. That's all that counts
01:15:29See you later lieutenant, come on, Sam
01:15:33By the way, Johnny, what's in that box? It looks like a radio
01:15:36I don't know and I don't care as long as the bombs in the other one
01:15:41Here's a present for you lieutenant
01:15:48We must begin in ten days you have until then to create your own view
01:15:58The world was created in seven. I'm giving you three extra days and all of this to work with
01:16:24Where am I supposed to turn I know the top line
01:16:29Thank you, I need a signature also
01:16:31You
01:16:53Come empty-handed
01:16:55No, I can come up with something. I got some good ideas. All I need is a couple more days
01:17:01Only ideas
01:17:03Nothing concrete no script
01:17:07And we shoot tomorrow at dawn I
01:17:10Got more than ideas. I got a couple funny characters in some good situations
01:17:15Your naivete amuses me we shoot tomorrow. I can't shoot tomorrow
01:17:21Well, I don't tell me you have stage fright
01:17:24No, I don't have stage fright. You got a bad script and we can't do it. I
01:17:28See
01:17:30Well, I'm afraid I have no time for bickering. I have a script you have a contract
01:17:37Now be on the set tomorrow at 6 30 a.m. For makeup
01:17:41What if I don't show up?
01:17:44You forced me to be unkind
01:17:47If you don't show up, you will both be taken with a permanent case of laryngitis
01:17:52There will be Ritz restraining orders and injunctions
01:17:55you will not record or perform in any way until this contract has been fulfilled and
01:18:00The contract calls for you to appear as rustic wonders in this delightful tour de force
01:18:10Mr. Mortegus, let me ask you something
01:18:13Let me buy my contract
01:18:15out of the question
01:18:17We will make this picture it will make money
01:18:20And that my boy is what it's all about
01:18:25Now go and get some rest. You have a 630 call tomorrow morning
01:18:50You
01:19:13You only play like that when you're depressed
01:19:20What's the matter honey, I
01:19:23Don't know how to tell you what
01:19:27We gotta make that movie you mean we got to make that rags-to-riches junk. Yeah
01:19:33You said we didn't have to son
01:19:36when we do and
01:19:38That's all you got to say. You're just gonna let him tell us what to do now
01:19:42It's not here. We got a contract. Don't you understand?
01:19:46It's either that or we're in a lot of trouble, you know, nothing nothing about business. I don't care anything about business
01:19:52I just care what you said. You said we wouldn't have to do it
01:19:54I told you not to get involved with those people now I get I told you so, right?
01:20:00Okay, I didn't we goofed. Okay. I'm sorry. What else now? That's it. I don't want to hear about it anymore, please. Okay
01:20:07What can I say? You know, you can't do this to yourself
01:20:11Just leave me alone
01:20:13Really get out get out of here. Okay. Can I have the keys to my bike please? Yes
01:20:43It's just a name it's just it's not too long
01:21:07He's just a guy
01:21:10Just a little guy
01:21:14And he's not too brave
01:21:18Not to shine
01:21:21And he'll never make history
01:21:26And he's not very much
01:21:29of a mystery
01:21:32He's not even
01:21:35handsome nor is he tall
01:21:39But there is no way I
01:21:42Could live at all without
01:21:48His funny name
01:22:08Just a guy
01:22:12Little guy
01:22:15That can make me laugh
01:22:19That can make me cry
01:22:26Mentioned this before he's got
01:22:31Cuz he gives me all that he has to give
01:22:42His funny name
01:23:12You
01:23:42You
01:24:12You
01:24:38She
01:24:42She
01:24:49She's just a girl
01:24:57She don't have a girl
01:25:01She's not so hot
01:25:04I mean what she got
01:25:06She's got all that I want and even more
01:25:16Cuz she gives me all
01:25:18That she has to give and I guess that's why I just couldn't live without
01:25:34Just a name it's just a name
01:25:41It's just a name
01:25:45It's just a name
01:25:49It's just a name
01:25:52It's just a name
01:26:08I
01:26:18Good morning, Mr. Mortegus.
01:26:27I admire your promptness, but where is your lovely co-star?
01:26:31She's not coming.
01:26:32I came here to tell you we're not going to make this picture.
01:26:37You will go to work this morning, or your career is at an end.
01:26:43Then my career is going to have to end.
01:26:47Bravo.
01:26:49Excellent performance.
01:26:51Maybe Mr. Garth can work it into the script.
01:26:57Maybe he can.
01:26:58Charlie, go ahead.
01:26:59We're ready to roll, sir.
01:27:00What are you going to do?
01:27:01What's to do?
01:27:02Huh?
01:27:03We'll get the next teenage idol that comes down the pike.
01:27:17There's hundreds of them.
01:27:19Don't be uncouth, Mr. Garth.
01:27:22Shall I get your attorney on the phone, sir?
01:27:27No.
01:27:29Forget it.
01:27:48Still want to make a movie?
01:27:50I'm sorry.
01:27:51Sorry.
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