Sledge Hammer! S01E09
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TVTranscript
00:30Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
01:00What's the problem, officer?
01:14Your taillight is out.
01:15What are you going to do, give me a warning?
01:18Yeah, a warning shot.
01:22Thank you for your cooperation.
01:30And this story just in, recently released criminal George M. Nazar was found shot to
01:35death this morning in his parked car.
01:37This makes three murders of freed felons in the past month.
01:40And now, here's Carolyn with the weather.
01:42What a nice way to start the day.
01:43Thanks, Richard.
01:44The weather for today will be...
01:47I've had it, I've been waiting 15 minutes to see Captain Trunk, don't you realize who
01:50I am?
01:51Hey, lady, be reasonable, we're busy here.
01:53All right, I'm filing complaints against each and every one of you, starting with you.
01:57What is your name?
01:58Winston Churchill.
01:59Hey, I'm Art Linklater.
02:01Very funny, I demand some service.
02:04Oh, calm down, woman, these are cops, not maitre d's.
02:07You there, what is your name, and I want a straight answer.
02:10Sledgehammer.
02:11Okay, that's it, you bought it, mister.
02:13Hey, inspector, Captain's waiting to see you in his office.
02:15You're going in there?
02:16I'm following you.
02:17Fine, I can't stop you.
02:18I'm sorry for the bad experience you just had, Ms. Collins.
02:33That's Ms. Collins.
02:34Is this any way to welcome your new district attorney?
02:36I'm sure the disrespect was unintentional, Ms. Collins.
02:39Not intentional.
02:41There's an overgrown adolescent out there in a whoopee suit playing schoolboy pranks
02:44when someone asked for directions.
02:46This cretin walked me into the men's room.
02:48Hey, Captain, Hitler's widow is out there looking for you.
02:51Oh, I see you found him.
02:54Inspector Sledgehammer, this is District Attorney Evelyn Collins.
02:58Oh, that's all we need, a woman DA?
03:01Oof, what'd you do with your perfume, spray it on with a crop duster?
03:05Hammer, please.
03:07Oh, you must admit.
03:10Perhaps we should get down to business, Ms. Collins.
03:12That's Ms.
03:14The district attorney is here because in the last month, three known criminals released
03:19by the courts have been gunned down, apparently by vigilantes.
03:22So?
03:23We have a serious problem here.
03:25Why, did some of them live?
03:27You're not helping, Hammer.
03:28Each of the vigilantes' victims was killed within one day of exoneration.
03:33Drug pusher Rudy Mednick, released this morning, seems to be the next logical victim in their
03:37pattern.
03:38How did he beat the rap again?
03:39That's easy, Doro.
03:40He got the lawyer with the best commercial in town.
03:42We'd better find Mednick before the vigilantes do.
03:45Yeah, so we can put a target on his back.
03:47We wouldn't want the vigilantes to miss.
03:49Mr. Hammer, I want Mednick found, I want him protected.
03:53Then I'm going to bring those vigilantes to trial.
03:55I want you and Doro to cooperate with Ms. Collins.
03:59We will, sir.
04:00Well, nice meeting you, Ms. Collins.
04:03That's Ms. Good day, Mr. Hammer.
04:06It's Murr.
04:07I don't know, we don't have much on this Rudy Mednick.
04:16Wait a minute.
04:19Seems to frequent massage parlors.
04:20Oh, great.
04:21It'll take us years to find him.
04:23There's over a thousand of those massage parlor joints in the city.
04:26No, I think he goes there just for a massage.
04:29Oh, oh.
04:30There's only about three of those.
04:39Yoo-hoo.
04:40May I help you?
04:42Yes, Rudy Mednick here.
04:44We're police officers.
04:45May I see some identification?
04:53Oh, sorry.
04:57That doesn't look like you.
05:01Oh, you're cute.
05:02Rudy's in the bath.
05:03Steam room number two.
05:04Hammer, wait.
05:05We can't go in there with our clothes on.
05:06But, no, I mean, if we go in, the steam will just.
05:07Will you just stop nagging, will you, Doro?
05:08It's just steam.
05:09Now, come on.
05:10I've got a piping hot slime ball to protect you.
05:11Pledge of allegiance.
05:12I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America,
05:13and to the republic for which it stands,
05:14one nation, under God, indivisible,
05:15with liberty and justice for all.
05:16I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America,
05:17and to the republic for which it stands,
05:18one nation, under God, indivisible,
05:19with liberty and justice for all.
05:20I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America,
05:30and to the republic for which it stands,
05:31one nation, under God, indivisible,
05:32with liberty and justice for all.
05:33I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America,
05:34and to the republic for which it stands,
05:35one nation, under God, indivisible,
05:36with liberty and justice for all.
05:37I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America,
05:38and to the republic for which it stands,
05:39one nation, under God, indivisible,
05:40with liberty and justice for all.
05:41I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America,
05:42and to the republic for which it stands,
05:43one nation, under God, indivisible,
05:44with liberty and justice for all.
05:45I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America,
05:46and to the republic for which it stands,
05:47one nation, under God, indivisible,
05:48with liberty and justice for all.
05:49With liberty and justice for all.
05:50With liberty and justice for all.
05:51With liberty and justice for all.
05:52With liberty and justice for all.
05:53With liberty and justice for all.
05:54With liberty and justice for all.
05:55With liberty and justice for all.
05:56With liberty and justice for all.
05:57With liberty and justice for all.
05:58With liberty and justice for all.
05:59With liberty and justice for all.
06:00With liberty and justice for all.
06:01With liberty and justice for all.
06:02With liberty and justice for all.
06:03With liberty and justice for all.
06:04With liberty and justice for all.
06:05With liberty and justice for all.
06:06With liberty and justice for all.
06:07With liberty and justice for all.
06:08With liberty and justice for all.
06:09With liberty and justice for all.
06:10With liberty and justice for all.
06:11With liberty and justice for all.
06:13Girl, that helm line violates regulations.
06:16It was a steam bath hammer.
06:18Look at your suit.
06:19Hello?
06:20Nice pants.
06:21Hello?
06:24Hey, I don't want to have anything to do with you cops.
06:28Get your tron out of here.
06:30Got a lifetime membership.
06:32It just expired.
06:37Thank you for cooperation.
06:40Whoever it was just hung up.
06:42I was just hanging up a few minutes ago.
06:47You better wait here, Duro.
06:49If any more steam gets on that outfit,
06:51you won't have a place to pin your badge.
06:53Well, you would have a place, but it would be painful.
07:01Commendic, you're hurt.
07:03All right, who did this to you?
07:05What, you can't talk?
07:06Can you type?
07:07Can you type a little with one finger?
07:09What are you doing?
07:10You trying to say something?
07:12All right, what are you trying to say?
07:14You shot.
07:15You shot?
07:16That's bad grammar.
07:18Now tell me by whom.
07:21Peace.
07:22Peace now.
07:23Hippies did this?
07:25What are you trying to say?
07:26I'm no good at charades.
07:27It's always been frustrating for me.
07:28All right, start over.
07:30Victory.
07:31Victory.
07:32V is for victory.
07:33I got it.
07:34You got shot by a guy holding a cigar.
07:35What?
07:36You have trouble breathing?
07:37I got one.
07:38I got one.
07:39Okay, keep going now.
07:40What?
07:41You didn't get shot.
07:42They use karate.
07:43No, you're saluting.
07:45So you got shot by naval recruiters.
07:48What?
07:49Something smells bad?
07:50Oh, you're dying.
07:52You're dying.
07:53You're dying on the vine.
07:54You're dead.
07:55Dead.
08:02So they hung up.
08:03I went back down.
08:04Two, two, two something.
08:05I don't know what he was talking about.
08:07And he was dead.
08:08The vigilantes knew our every move.
08:10Who else could have paged us?
08:11Doro, I want you to phone the district attorney
08:13and tell her what's happened.
08:15Amber, I want to talk to you in private.
08:23Amber, I have discovered something quite shocking.
08:25These shell casings were found at the scene
08:28of every single shooting.
08:30Recognize them?
08:35That's a .38 special.
08:36It's a police issue.
08:37I'd say 1984 vintage.
08:40An amusing year.
08:42You can tell all that just by biting a bullet?
08:44Absolutely.
08:45Here, try it yourself.
08:46No.
08:47No, go ahead.
08:48Try it.
08:49Try it.
08:50No, no.
08:51All right.
08:52Now you see, you just discovered that there was still
08:55some powder left in that bullet.
08:57Amber, you have promptly identified
09:00these as police issues.
09:02That tells you the vigilantes are what?
09:10Cops.
09:11They're two cops.
09:12Two cops.
09:13That's what Mendig was trying to tell me.
09:15Now listen, I'm terrible at charades, all right?
09:17But in my defense, he was a terrible mime.
09:20I mean, he was with two, two, V, V.
09:22Amber, these dirty cops are acting as judge, jury,
09:26and executioner.
09:28But they're putting in for a lot of overtime.
09:30I want you to infiltrate this group.
09:32We'll use Doro as a selling point.
09:34Now, if she believes you've gone bad, gotten worse,
09:37I believe those vigilantes will enlist you in no time.
09:43Why don't we start a fight?
09:44I mean, stage it, you know?
09:46I mean, really, we'll come to blows.
09:47Here.
09:50Right in front of everybody.
09:52That's not a bad idea.
09:53Why don't I like it?
09:56Is anybody going to get hurt?
09:57No, no.
09:58Are you sure?
09:59I'm not acting.
10:00No, trust me.
10:01I know what I'm doing.
10:03Come on, you ready?
10:04Wait a minute, let me just think about this.
10:06Oh, Hammer!
10:08What's going on?
10:12Hammer, I gave you an order.
10:14I'm not going after any vigilantes.
10:16I think they're doing a good job.
10:18What's going on between you two?
10:25You think they're buying it?
10:26You're not giving me anything to work off of.
10:28Don't you know anything about good acting?
10:30I know enough to know this isn't it.
10:35Look, we got to give them a big finish.
10:37I got to hit you like...
10:38I hit you, but it looks like I was trying to kill you.
10:42Okay, but pull your punch out through the rest.
10:44Trust me.
10:45I don't say that again.
10:52Take that one.
10:54Get him up.
10:56I'm not very realistic.
10:59You're an animal, Hammer.
11:00You're just as bad as those vigilantes.
11:02Can you say that a little louder?
11:04What?
11:05What she just said was I'm no better than those vigilantes, right?
11:08Stay away from me.
11:10Get him out of here.
11:11Come on.
11:12All right.
11:16Looks like we just found a new recruit.
11:19Hammer, I thought you told me you knew how to pull a punch.
11:21I did pull it.
11:23I thought I'd hit you full force,
11:24you would've landed in that parking lot.
11:26You're lucky I didn't ad-lib.
11:28I guess it was all for nothing, huh?
11:30Oh, no way, Jose.
11:33That's why I wanted to talk to you.
11:36When I got home last night,
11:38I found this slipped under the door.
11:42I think it's a gun.
11:44I found this slipped under the door.
11:48I think the vigilantes are trying to contact me.
11:50So have they made you a member yet?
11:52I'm waiting. I think they're still checking on me.
11:54Yeah, they might be watching you right now.
11:57That's right.
11:59That's right.
12:00They might be watching me right now.
12:03What the hell are you doing?
12:04I'm keeping up the act.
12:06Well, stop it.
12:08Now, Hammer, after you infiltrate that group,
12:11I want you to get the names of every man
12:13that comprises the vigilante group.
12:15You understand me?
12:16No!
12:17I'm just kidding you. Yes, of course I do.
12:26Hey, what's going on here?
12:28Hey, who let you jokers in?
12:30Your landlady.
12:32Why, because you're cops?
12:34No, because we told her we were gonna beat you up.
12:37Then she wonders why she can never get a date.
12:40Well, I'll tell you something.
12:42If I open my refrigerator and I find one bite of casserole gone,
12:46you're both dead.
12:47All right.
12:49The reason we're here, Inspector Hammer,
12:51is to invite you to join a clandestine group
12:53whose members share the singular purpose
12:55of righting wrongs through force and aggression.
12:58Oh, I'm already a registered Republican.
13:01No, the vigilante squad.
13:04Right.
13:05We're prepared to invite you to a meeting of our group tonight.
13:09Well, I don't know.
13:10It's Tuesday.
13:11I usually spend Tuesday night playing bridge with the girls.
13:13Of course, if it's catered, that would make a big difference.
13:16But...
13:17Oh, a blindfold, huh?
13:19You know, I haven't worn one of these
13:20since I dated the girl that was in the Weight Watchers.
13:25Fellow vigilantes, I bring before you a potential member,
13:28Sledge Hammer.
13:30Hi, guys.
13:31Where's the piñata?
13:33You'll wear that blindfold until we're sure you're one of us.
13:35Yeah, yeah, yeah.
13:36I'll bet you guys are all naked, right?
13:38Stop playing the fool.
13:39I'm no fool.
13:40My loss of sight has heightened my other senses.
13:42For example, I can tell that you are a Caucasian woman
13:47weighing approximately 112 pounds in her late 30s.
13:50Am I right?
13:51Get this guy away from me.
13:52Sit him down.
13:53We'll ask the questions, Hammer.
13:56What do you think about reading a suspect his rights?
13:58I prefer to read him his last rights, if you know what I mean.
14:01What do you think about the death penalty?
14:03It's too lenient.
14:04There's always the possibility of reincarnation.
14:07Hey, this is fun.
14:08Can we go on to the lightning round?
14:09The question period is over, Inspector Hammer.
14:12Oh, good.
14:13Then I choose Bachelor No. 2
14:15because he sounded like he was more fun.
14:17Shut up.
14:18It's time for your initiation.
14:20You've been given the privilege of killing
14:22District Attorney Evelyn Collins.
14:24She's been speaking out against our cause
14:26and needs to be silenced.
14:28Can't you just shush her?
14:30It's all planned.
14:32She's working late tonight.
14:34You're to terminate her with extreme prejudice.
14:37Do you have any reservations about shooting a woman?
14:40You have to make reservations?
14:42Escort him out of here, will you?
14:44Thank you, thank you.
14:45I will escort myself out.
14:47I've memorized the location of every object in this room.
14:50I can retrace my steps perfectly.
15:05Hi.
15:24What is the meaning of this?
15:25Miss Collins.
15:26That's Ms.
15:27Just listen to me.
15:29I've discovered the identity of the vigilantes.
15:32They're cops.
15:34This can't be.
15:35Police?
15:36That's right.
15:37I also found out who the next victim is.
15:40It's you.
15:41Me?
15:43Oh, my God.
15:44Well, there's more.
15:45You see, they want me to join them,
15:48and part of my initiation is to assassinate you.
15:51Good Lord.
15:53Wait, that's not the worst of it.
15:56The worst of it is that I'm going to do it.
16:00Congratulations, you've passed the test.
16:03Your willingness to pull the trigger makes you one of us.
16:06As a precaution, I was wearing a bulletproof vest
16:09underneath my clothes.
16:11It's figure-flattering.
16:12Touché.
16:14I loaded my gun with blanks.
16:16Mm-hmm.
16:18You see, I knew that you were the leader of this group,
16:21Ms. Collins.
16:23But I didn't think you were.
16:26You were the leader of this group, Ms. Collins.
16:29How could you know?
16:31A blindfold makes a man's senses all the more acute.
16:35It made the smell of your perfume in your living room
16:38almost unbearable.
16:40You fascinate me, Inspector Hammer.
16:46What do you say we go back to my place
16:49and get to know each other better?
16:51Hey, don't touch me there without a written permission.
16:55Now you behave yourself,
16:57and maybe I'll show you my appendix scar.
17:07Nice set of weapons.
17:09What are you, stocking up for a war?
17:11You seem surprised.
17:13A woman can be as nihilistic as a man.
17:15I'm not interested in the ERA, I'm into the NRA.
17:26Where'd you get a bullwhip?
17:28My father was a wagon master.
17:30Say, you wouldn't happen to have a lift
17:32with the other guys in the organization around here, would you?
17:35Forget about the other sledge. Let's talk about you.
17:38What about that?
17:40My father killed that deer when I was just a little girl.
17:43Oh, so he was a hunter.
17:45No, a bad driver.
17:47Of all the officers I've recruited,
17:49there's something strangely appealing about you.
17:51I guess it's your callous disregard for human rights,
17:54your savage instinct, your chauvinism,
17:56your inability to treat women as equals.
17:59Yeah, I'm quite a catch.
18:01Would you excuse me for just one moment?
18:04I'd like to get out of my work clothes.
18:07Make yourself at home.
18:09Yeah, well, maybe I can get some bras to come over, huh?
18:17Looks like you and me are the only sane ones here.
18:20All right, come on, let's get that list for Captain Trunk.
18:25Come on.
18:33Well, I'm feeling more at home already.
18:42Sledge, could you come up here?
18:44I have a surprise for you.
18:46Let me guess.
18:48You got a funhouse mirror above your bed?
18:55Well, what do you think?
18:57I knew Justice was blind, but I didn't know it was tacky.
19:05You like?
19:07How does my body compare with the others you've encountered?
19:10It's hard to say.
19:12I'd have to see you with a tag on your toe.
19:14Why don't you join me?
19:16You know, I saw the last D.A. wearing an outfit just like that.
19:19What a freak he was, let me tell you.
19:22Oh, by the way, that list you asked about is right over there on the table.
19:32All right, little lady, the jig's up.
19:34Now you're really in hot water.
19:36You and your fanatic friends have got a date downtown, Miss Collins.
19:39That's Miz.
19:41I never trusted you for an instant, Inspector Hammer.
19:45Hey, a lady could put somebody's eye out with that thing.
19:56There are only blanks in your gun. Why are you shooting at me?
19:59Of course I haven't.
20:05You men are all alike.
20:07Every one of you wants the same thing from me.
20:09Yeah, to get what?
20:11Every one of you wants the same thing from me.
20:13Yeah, to get the hell out of here.
20:17You know, I'm having a difficult time relaxing around you, lady.
20:20Besides that, you're a lousy shot.
20:25Another Miz.
20:27That's Miz. You used me. You led me on.
20:30I could have loved you.
20:32Boy, you women, you give you a little power and you freak out.
20:35I remember when my wife got her first credit card.
20:38It's useless. That gun is just for decoration.
20:41You're such a tease.
20:43We could have made quite a team, Sledge.
20:45Since I can't have you, I'm going to have to kill you.
20:48What if I promise not to date?
20:50Freeze, or you lose 20 pounds the hard way.
20:53So how did you get here?
20:55I followed you. You didn't think you and Trunk
20:57would actually convince me with that bad acting, did you?
20:59I told him I had nothing to work off of.
21:02Will, did you really think that a woman could get the best of me?
21:05I'm nobody's fool. I belong to everyone.
21:08Drop it, Hammer.
21:10How do you guys keep showing up like this?
21:12What are you, beamed down or something?
21:14It's all over, Hammer. History justifies the vigilante.
21:18I'm going to prosecute you.
21:20You convinced everyone you were rogue.
21:22It'll be my word against yours and everyone will believe me.
21:25Freeze! Nobody move!
21:28I'm prepared to shoot everyone in this room except Doro.
21:31You see, Collins, your wild, feminine emotionalism
21:34is no match for the cool mental resources of the average male.
21:38Do you see that now?
21:40Captain Trunk, would you please tell Ms. Swimsuit here
21:44just exactly how you managed to untangle
21:46that web of assorted clues that led you to this house?
21:49I lived next door.
21:51I heard all the shooting and I ran over here
21:53to see what the hell was going on.
21:55Well, well, well.
21:58Ms. Collins, is there anything you'd like to get
22:01before we book you?
22:03There is one last thing.
22:11Okay. That's it.
22:13Move it out. Get in the car. Move it.
22:15Come on. Get going.
22:17You all right?
22:19Yeah, I'm fine.
22:21It's just sad. It's really sad.
22:23I know.
22:25Yeah. She ruined a promising career.
22:28No, she was the best first date I ever had.
22:34The newspaper says the verdict from Ms. Collins' trial
22:37came in yesterday.
22:39I hope she gets 20 years.
22:41No, she got no years, Sledge.
22:43She defended herself and got off on a legal technicality.
22:46Yeah, I hear she ranted and raved about you all during the hearing.
22:49Well, it's understandable.
22:51It's tough getting over a guy like me.
22:53Sledge!
23:01If I can't have you, no one will.
23:03No one.
23:09I'll get you for what you did to me!
23:11I'll get you, Hammer!
23:13Oh!
23:15I'll get you!
23:17I'll get you!
23:19See what I mean?
23:49I'll get you!