Buffy The Vampire Slayer Season 2 Episode 11 Ted
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00:00Against the vampires the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the slayer
00:08You don't know what you're talking about
00:11Xander he was obviously in charge. He was a puppet. She was using him
00:15He didn't seem like the type of guy who would let himself be used. Well, that was her genius
00:21He didn't even know he was playing second fiddle
00:24Buffy, huh? Who was the real power the captain or to kneel?
00:30and
00:31Who are these people?
00:33the captain and to kneel
00:36Boy, somebody was raised in a culture-free environment
00:39I'm sorry. I
00:41Was just thinking no not thinking having a lot of happy non-thoughts
00:47I love it when things are quiet around here
00:50Yeah, I was spiking Drusilla out of the way. We've really been riding the mellow and
00:56And I am really jinxing the hell out of us by saying that yeah, but let's shop this time
01:03So we're pretty sure that there are no more
01:06Turakan assassins coming our way angel sources the other contracts off. How is angel?
01:12Pretend I care
01:14Getting better and you're loving playing nurse me. Oh, yeah. So is it better than playing naughty stewardess Xander?
01:26I
01:30Guys wait here a second
01:46Oh
01:49I'm
01:52Sorry, I I
01:54Heard I broke a wine glass
01:58You're home early. Hi
02:01Hi. Oh
02:03This is my daughter Buffy Buffy. This is Ted
02:18You
02:48You
02:50You
03:09You
03:17Okay, here we go
03:20So
03:26All these late nights at the gallery recently I gather you are cataloging more than art
03:31Well, I I've been looking for the right moment to introduce you to
03:36He's a wonderful man
03:43How'd you meet oh
03:45He sells a computer software
03:47He redid my entire system at the gallery freed up a lot of my time to meet new people
03:52And smooch them in my kitchen. You weren't supposed to see that. I like my new 9gb hard drive
03:58But you don't love it because without the DMA upgrade your computers only half a rocket ship
04:06Well, you can I get the demos for free I don't see why I shouldn't give them to you for the same price any friend
04:12of Buffy's
04:14What that's the sound she makes when she speaks us with deeper joy
04:18Can I just say this is the finest pizza ever on God's green earth. What is your secret?
04:24Well after you bake it you fry it and herbs and olive oil, but you got to use cast-iron skillet
04:30No room for compromise there. You know, you should market these things. I mean you can get two three hundred bucks a piece
04:42Hungry
04:45Buffy I want to apologize. That wasn't how I wanted us to meet. I wanted it to be
04:52Perfect. I'm very fond of your mother. I guess that's pretty obvious. I
04:58know you're the most important thing in her life and
05:02Well, gosh that makes you pretty important to me, too
05:06Buffy I really want you to be okay with this beg to differ
05:10We really want you to be okay with this
05:14I'm okay. You are I
05:19Am
05:44It's staking time really don't you think
06:05Any others
06:07Over there. Thanks. I certainly hope not what?
06:11Kill vampires, it's my job. True. True. Although you don't usually beat them into quite such a bloody pulp beforehand
06:17Everything. All right. Yeah, fine
06:24I killed a vampire here on Wednesday why they hang out the park. Well, they're scattered, you know
06:30Leaders are gone
06:32With any luck dead in times of crisis. They usually return to the easiest feeding grounds
06:38Vampires are creeps
06:41Yes, that's why one slays them I mean
06:45People are perfectly happy getting along and then vampires come and they run around and they kill people and they take over your whole house
06:51They start making these stupid little mini pizzas and everyone's like, oh look a mini pizza, but I'm telling you I
06:58Believe the subtext here is rapidly becoming
07:03text
07:06There's nothing on the show no get it
07:14Think that'd be any more I can wait
07:19If you say one more word
07:22Did you even bother to taste them no
07:25Well, I did and I'm here to tell you those mini pizzas have changed my life
07:30Ted is the master chef
07:32Fine, so he's a good cook. What does that really tell you about a person?
07:37Everything you don't like him. I don't know him
07:40I mean so far all I see is someone who apparently has a good job
07:45Seems nice and polite and my mother really likes him. What kind of a monster is he?
07:50I'm just saying there's something a little too clean about this clown
07:55I
07:57Have my own fun. Well, if you're lacking evidence, I think maybe we're in Sigmund Freud territory
08:06Separation anxiety the mother figure being taken away
08:09Conflicts with the father figure. He's not my father figure having issues much
08:13I am not you're having parental issues. You're having parental issues
08:19What Freud would have said the exact same thing?
08:21Except he might not have done that little dance
08:24Hey, I admit it's weird
08:26Seeing my mother Frenching a guy is definitely a ticket to therapy land, but it's more than that
08:31And I'm pretty good at sensing what's going on around me and there's definitely something wrong with this Ted
08:36Ted, where's Ted? Would you think I was talking about? Hi Ted Ted who's here? Hello kids
08:43What are you doing here? I'm updating the software in the guidance office, which reminds me your upgrades
08:50Thank you think nothing of it Buffy, do you like miniature golf who does it?
08:57Well, your mother and I were thinking maybe this Saturday
08:59We could drag the three of you out to the course spend some time swinging the iron with the stuffy old people. Well
09:07I'm making a picnic basket with many pizzas and cookies
09:14You know what we would love to honestly, but unfortunately
09:17We have that thing on Saturday. Oh
09:20That thing that thing
09:23Hey, we can do that thing anytime. I'm tired of doing that thing. We're on great
09:40Hello Jenny
09:43Hello Jenny
09:46Rupert hi some of your textbooks were delivered to the library
09:54Do you want me to hang on to them? Yeah, that's fine. Send the kids by to pick them up
10:05Pretty flimsy excuse for coming by to see me
10:13Should have heard the ones I threw out
10:18I just I wanted to
10:21See how you're doing
10:23I'm doing pretty good actually
10:26Stayed out of mortal danger for three whole weeks. I
10:31Could get used to it
10:34Still having trouble sleeping now
10:37Of course
10:40You you you need time or possibly space
10:44Rupert I know you're concerned
10:47But having you constantly poking around making little puppy dog eyes at me wondering if I'm okay
10:56You make me feel bad that I don't feel better I don't want that responsibility
11:04Sorry, I
11:06Certainly didn't mean to make
11:08Dog eyes
11:11That's you I'm just worried I know
11:26So mom's like do you think Ted will like this and this is Ted's favorite show intense teaching me computers and Ted said the funniest
11:31Thing and I'm like that's really great mom
11:33And then she said I was being sarcastic which I was but I'm sorry if I don't talk about Ted all the time
11:37So you're gonna talk about something else at some point?
11:42Sorry, I just have so much to deal with I don't need some new guy in my life. No, maybe your mom does
11:52Well sure if you're gonna use wisdom
11:56Loneliness is about the scariest thing there is
12:00Okay, so my mom needs a guy in her life does it have to be Ted you have somebody else in mind
12:08There's a guy out there. That would satisfy you
12:11my dad
12:15Yeah, okay, that's not gonna happen
12:19Fine fine. I'll give Ted a chance. I'll play mini-golf and I'll smile and curtsy and be the dutiful daughter
12:29I have to like him
12:32Kiss me
12:34Finally something I want to do
12:38Ah
12:43The dreaded five-bar cuckoo clock ha so many have come so few have conquered
12:54That picnic was delicious, you know how rare it is to find a man that cooks
12:58I know I've been looking a long time for one
13:02So Buffy I bet the boys are lined up around the block trying to get a date with you
13:07Not really. Oh, they are but she's only interested in
13:13her studies
13:15Book Cracker Buffy. It's kind of her nickname
13:19Glad to hear it. I bet that means your grades will be picking up soon
13:25My grades
13:28How does he know about my grades I told him
13:32He wants to know everything about you. He's concerned. That's a good thing
13:37Nice shot Ted
13:40Keep your eye on the ball. Watch those elbows. Oh
13:46Bad luck little lady
13:51No, we won't count it we won't
13:53That's just miniature golf it is but the rules are the rules and what we teach her is what she takes out into the world
14:01When we're not there
14:03Whether it's at school or an unchaperoned party
14:07I don't mean to overstep my bounds. This is between you and your mother. I just think right is right
14:17He has a point fine, I'll just go hit my ball from the rough
14:37Hey, how about that got a hole-in-two begged to differ
14:46Okay, so find my score or whatever I think you're missing the point here little lady
14:52Right is right wrong is wrong. Why don't people see that? It's just a game
14:59Right. It's just a game do your own thing. Well, I'm not watching you
15:04It's just a game do your own thing
15:06Well, I'm not wired that way and I'm here to tell you it is not a game
15:13It does count and I don't stand for that kind of malarkey in my house
15:18I guess it's a good thing. I'm not in your house. Do you want me to slap that smart-ass mouth of yours?
15:28Who's up for dessert I made chocolate chip cookies
15:31I
15:36Made too many so you guys are gonna have to take some home. Mmm, Buffy. You've got to try one of these. They're really good
16:01Good
16:04Morning sunshine
16:06Hey
16:07I've got juice. I've got sticky buns. Don't they smell good?
16:12Ted made them
16:14What I
16:18Just like to eat something around here that Ted didn't make
16:21What kind of an attitude is that?
16:24Look mom. I know you think he's great
16:26No, but he went out of his way to be nice to you and you couldn't say two words to him on Saturday
16:31I do not expect you to love him right away. Like I do that. I do expect you to treat him decently
16:37You love him. I
16:42Don't know
16:44That just slipped out
16:48But I guess I mean it's not exactly like men beat down the door when you're a single parent
16:55Honey look I wouldn't have anything to do with anybody if they didn't care about you
17:00But he does I don't understand why you can't see that
17:04He threatened me what
17:11He threatened me he said that he was gonna slap my face
17:16He said no such thing honey Ted told me what happened he caught you cheating didn't he
17:23Yeah, I kicked my ball and put me in jail, but he totally wigged and he didn't say anything about it in front of the
17:28Others did he no, but I don't think that's not that that was pretty decent of him
17:35Ted said we are just gonna have to give you time to come around. Oh
17:39Speaking of which he's making dinner for us tonight. So I'd like you home, please promptly at 6
17:45This is so delicious, what do you mean check him out?
17:49I mean investigate him find out his secrets hack into his life. Can you say overreaction?
17:55Can you say sucking chest wound?
17:57Buffy it just seems like you want him to be corrupt or something
18:02The guy lost his mind. I don't know what he's thinking. I don't know what he's thinking
18:07I don't know what he's thinking. I don't know what he's thinking
18:09I don't know what he's thinking. I don't know what he's thinking
18:11Want him to be corrupt or something
18:13The guy lost his senses over mini golf. So he's a little uptight last I heard that's on a slaying offense
18:21Don't give me the look. I'm on your side. I'm just saying there's some things in life
18:25You have to accept and I'm saying Ted ain't one of them
18:29Hey Cordy, nice outfit. Oh
18:31very funny
18:33Not really. What are you saying?
18:36Nice outfit. Well, why don't you just keep your mouth shut?
18:40Would you guys excuse me for a second?
18:44What's up with them
18:48What's wrong with you I gave you a compliment in front of your friends they're gonna know know what
18:55Please it's too traumatic for me to even say it
18:59That we kissed
19:01That we kissed
19:03Look, I'm not gonna tell they're not gonna know not your friends. Not my friends
19:12You want to go to the utility closet and make out God is that all you ever think about?
19:20Okay
19:22Well, I'm not wrong here Ted has a problem with me
19:25He acts like I'm in the way or something and mom's been totally different since this around
19:31Different like happy like Stepford
19:34You help me
19:35You know, what do you want me to look?
19:38Let's start small. Can you find out where he works?
19:49Yeah, it's a terrific product no PC should be without it
19:54No, mrs. Lonsdale. It is not an inexpensive piece of software as a matter of fact
20:00It's a very expensive one which removes the risk of crashing your whole system
20:06Of course, if you prefer something cheap, I can always recommend
20:12Trust me you won't be sorry. Thank you very much
20:30Going to lunch
20:39You're new aren't you? Oh
20:41I'm Neil
20:43I'm
20:44Linda Belinda, I'm just temping for the day
20:49Wow
20:50That guy's a salesman. I guess he's going to beat around here. Nobody beats the machine
20:55The guy's a genius knows everything about computers never loses a client
21:02If I sound bitter I am
21:04Well, nobody likes an overachiever
21:07He's probably got ex-wives and families to support. He's just got a girlfriend. I'm amazed. He let her clutter his desk
21:17Thank God he's taking off for the wedding
21:21The wedding yeah, he's got it set for two months from now. Believe me. I am counting the days. Oh
21:29The uber boss back to the salt mines
21:32I
22:02I
22:12We thank you for what we are about to receive and
22:16We ask that you bless this house and help the people in it to be more productive
22:23more considerate and
22:26more honest
22:28Amen
22:30Amen
22:32Well another great day at work
22:35How was school today Buffy? Did you learn anything quite a bit good for you?
22:41Well, Joyce II, what do you think? I think every home should have one of you. It's fantastic. Don't you think?
22:53Looks good. Well, you know little lady. It's not just for looks it's for building strong bodies
23:01You
23:04Honey
23:07Are you two engaged
23:10Goodness no, whatever gave you that idea now, Joyce II, let me handle this
23:16Buffy your mother and I are taking it one step at a time and
23:21If things go the way, I hope maybe
23:25Someday soon. I just might ask her to tie the knot
23:31How would you feel about that
23:36It's okay to have feelings Buffy and it's okay to express them I
23:42Feel like killing myself Buffy. No. No, I I told her to be honest
23:48Sweetheart, you should try and get used to me because you know what? I'm not going anywhere
23:55May be excused you can go to your room young lady. That's where you can go
24:01I
24:09Am so embarrassed, I don't know what's wrong with her Joyce
24:15You don't get to be salesman of the year by giving up after a couple of rejections. She'll come around
24:31You
24:42Vampires here vampires
25:01What are you doing here your mother told you to go to your room Buffy you and I both know
25:06She didn't mean climb out a window and go gallivanting about town. First of all, this is my room second
25:14You've been going through my things yes, I have that's my personal property. How dare you?
25:20I don't see how it's any different from you snooping around my office. Do you?
25:24What exactly is a vampire slayer? It's none of your business
25:30Beg to differ little lady
25:33Everything you do is nothing but my business from now on. I think you better get out of here now or what?
25:42You'll slay me
25:45I'm real
25:46I'm not some goblin you made up in your little diary
25:51Psychiatrists have a word for something like this
25:54delusional so from now on you'll do what I say when I say or I
26:00Show this to your mother and you'll spend your best dating years behind the wall of a mental institution
26:07Your mother and I are going to be happy
26:10You're not going to stand in the way
26:13Sleep tight
26:16That's mine and you are not leaving this room in it
26:21Take your hand off me
26:29I was so hoping you'd do that
27:00Oh
27:04Ted
27:14You killed him
27:29I
27:32Oh
27:52Ma'am I'm detective Stein
27:56I'm sorry, but I need to ask a few questions
27:59your relationship with the deceased
28:02We were seeing each other. Can you tell me what happened?
28:08He fell
28:10Down the stairs he fell I see that he slipped. Do you know what made him fall? I hit him
28:23I hit him
28:32I
28:45He was in my room and we got into an argument about what
28:56He was just the first time that you two had had an argument
29:02You
29:04Know
29:08He threatened me he said that he would slap me that was tonight
29:13No
29:15But he had my diary and I tried to take it back and that's when he hit me
29:22Where
29:27No, it doesn't look like he hit you very hard
29:32I'd Emperor's easily. Yes, you've been here before
29:36Yes, but Ted never hit you. I told you before tonight Ted never hit you before tonight
29:43What do you want? I?
29:45Told you what happened. I didn't mean to I believe you things got out of hand. He's a big guy
29:51Are you charging her with something? We're not bringing anything up against your daughter right now. She says mr. Buchanan struck her and if that's the case
29:59anyway
30:01We've got to examine it further right now. I think you should just take her home and the two of you should try and get some rest
30:21I
30:51Love you
31:05Are you okay? How come you're here? I couldn't stay at home
31:11I'm gonna look at me
31:13What happened? Oh, my sure
31:17I
31:19Had a fight and I lost my temper
31:22Really let him have it
31:25The paper said he fell
31:28He fell hard
31:31What was he?
31:33What?
31:34What was he a demon a giant bug some kind of dark God with the secrets of Nouvelle cuisine?
31:40I mean we are talking creature feature here, right?
31:46Man, but I'm sure it wasn't your fault. He started it
31:53Yeah
31:55That defense only works in six-year-old court. Well court. Well, are they charging you with something? I
32:02Don't know
32:04Not yet
32:10He was a person
32:13And I killed him say that
32:16Why not?
32:18everyone else's
32:20It's the truth. It was an accident. I'm the Slayer. I
32:26Had no right to hit him like that
32:28Look Buffy. I don't know what happened exactly, but I do know you
32:33And I know you would never hurt anyone intentionally what you know, unless unless they were dating my mother
32:46I
33:05Alright
33:09Stupid question. I'm sorry. If there's anything you need, of course, just just ask
33:17We need money, but they're just asking a few questions your behavior
33:29Of course I told them
33:37Man this is killing me that bastard was up to something. I know it if I could just get my hands on him
33:43Earlier this week. I thought you liked him. I sometimes like things that are not good for me besides no way
33:50No, how does Buffy put the big hurt on an innocent man? Nice. Uncle Ted was dirty
33:56We've got to prove that somehow
33:58Sandra do you have a pen?
34:00If Buffy has to go to jail because of that creep, I'm gonna lose it
34:04He's got to be in there. Will a history of domestic violence a criminal record Oh
34:09Cookies I
34:10Don't get it, but piece of Slayer shouldn't she have what a license to kill well not for fun
34:15But she's like this Superman shouldn't there be different rules for her sure in a fascist society, right?
34:22Why can't we have one of those?
34:24Buffy's not going to jail. It's not fair. Whatever the authorities have planned for her
34:30It can't be much worse than what she's doing to herself
34:33She's taken a human life
34:36The guilt it's it's it's pretty hard to bear it won't go away soon
34:40I guess you should know since you helped raise that demon that killed that guy that time
34:44Yes, let's bring that up as often as possible
34:48So drowns you taking over tonight
34:52Buffy's not in any shape to patrol
34:54Least I can do is pick up the slack someone has to Charles. You shouldn't go out there without the Slayer
35:01To Buffy regains her equilibrium. There is no Slayer if you need help
35:06No, if he needs your help more than I you carry on investigating
35:11See if you can find out as much about this Buchanan check as possible
35:16Careful I
35:18will
35:22Ted's got no criminal record damn. This guy's like citizen of the year don't sweat it. It'll be fine
35:30Don't sweat it. Yeah, cute, buddy
35:35We'll work it out. No worries. What happened to this is killing me worrying isn't gonna solve any
35:43problems
36:01Can I help
36:05It's done
36:09We're meaning to clean out this junk for months
36:16Do you have homework I
36:19Didn't mean to hurt him. I don't want to talk about this mom. Please you have to know I can't not yet
36:27Please Buffy just go to your room
36:46Okay
36:48What do we know?
36:50Well, apparently the secret ingredient is not love
36:54What is it
36:56I'm not positive, but I think it's Demetoran
37:00It's like a tranquilizer keeps you all mellow and compliant. It also shares a few components with ecstasy
37:09This is evidence
37:11This is real evidence that Ted was some kind of a crook Buffy's cleared willow. You were the best human ever. I adore you
37:20Well, that's the cookies talking but you rock
37:24Well, your search finally hit paydirt got some personal records marriage certificates and an address
37:30Well, let's check it out. Get a slayer back on her feet before somebody else gets hurt
37:54Yeah, I get that reaction from men all the time Judy, what are you doing here saw your car back there I wanted to apologize
38:01I'm not all the best times. Please. Please. Let me just let me get this out. Ah
38:06I
38:08was so
38:09Harsh the other day. I'm so sorry. I mean, I know how badly you must feel about putting me in danger before
38:18Imagine how I must feel now
38:24Oh
38:35Hell with this
38:43She nailed it shot, well, it's official this day can't get any worse
38:49You
39:06Died
39:07That's right. Little lady. You killed me. Do we have something to say about that? Are we sorry?
39:15What are you I'm a salesman that's what you should have remembered
39:22No matter how you put him down
39:28A good salesman always bounces back
39:44I
40:05Had to shut down for a while to get you off my back
40:09You should have seen the interns face when I got up off the table. It was a hoot
40:14Fun's over
40:22Say goodnight big guy
40:45I
41:00Wasn't playing fair missy
41:04You're gonna find hell of a day makes you feel like you're 18 again that I don't like being disobeyed
41:15I
41:28Don't worry about me and your mother we're going to be very happy
41:44You
41:53Let's look around
41:59I'll take the back check for cookies
42:03For evidence
42:05So far I've counted four marriage
42:08New divorce papers
42:12So either our boy was a Mormon or
42:181957 Ted must have married young like preschool
42:22Nothing interesting back here doesn't look anybody's worked here. Let alone lived here. Something's missing here
42:29This doesn't seem like Ted at all. Yeah, and this rug it doesn't go with the rest of the decor
42:37Oh
42:52Buffy I'm sorry. I know you didn't mean to
42:59Joyce
43:03Is it we
43:05But you were okay
43:08I'm okay. I
43:12Don't understand this you were dead
43:14They said I must have been dead for six minutes. They said any longer and it would have caused brain damage
43:21Nobody knew they took me to the morgue. I was unconscious for almost a day an
43:27Intern found me. It's a miracle Joyce a miracle Oh
43:31I know
43:36Oh my god, Buffy
43:38What did I swear
43:40She never meant to hurt you. You have to believe me. You don't have to worry about Buffy
43:45You don't have to worry about anything. Daddy's here
44:06I
44:16Feels like home it's the 50s and you're a psycho
44:35Oh
44:42What you got the closet Ted
44:53Let's go got it his first four wives
45:00You
45:03Know what brought me back Joyce it was you I couldn't go into that light. I had to come back for you
45:10I'm gonna make you so happy
45:15You should sit down I feel fine never better
45:21Ted I think I should talk to Buffy first
45:25Before she sees you cuz I'm sure she's do we have to worry about Buffy right now. How about worrying about Teddy?
45:30He's the one who died
45:33I'm sorry. I just I
45:36Don't know what to do. Don't I always tell you what to do
45:40I'm going to make things right
45:43Then you and I want a little gravy with that
45:47Can go away where no one will bother us again
45:49I
45:55Think you might want to rest for a while. I think you might want to stop telling me what to do
46:00I don't take orders from women. I'm not wired that way
46:07I'm so sorry
46:10I think I'm all right. No, you're just in shock. No, really. I think it went in too deep
46:15advantages of layers of tweed
46:18better than Kevlar oh
46:21Okay, all right we have to get you to the hospital
46:40Some night, huh? Yeah, you really know how to woo a girl back, don't you?
47:02I
47:05Think I could use a drink
47:07To celebrate we should probably be hitting the road
47:11Getting the road. You're going to love the house. It's furnished just the way you like it
47:16I spend a lot of telling me what to do time decorating
47:22Well, then I I probably better go back. I already have your clothes
47:28They're your size. They're always your size
47:31You left me once but I keep bringing you back husband and wife is forever forever
47:42Let's go let go please get off me
47:51Fine then I'll have to carry
48:01I
48:26Don't stand for this kind of malarkey in my house
48:30Oh
48:35This house is mine
48:47Buffy how about a nice game of cart cheesy?
49:00I
49:22Join a movie tonight sounds like fun. Just nothing with horror in it
49:30Or romance or men, I guess we're Thelma losing it again. Mm-hmm. Good call. I
49:44Still think he's gonna jump out at me
49:47Especially after what the police found in his house. It's just too horrible. I
49:53Wouldn't worry. He's not coming back. I
49:56Wish I could be so sure
49:58Trust me. He's on the scrapheap
50:03Of life
50:08So I'm Ted the sickly loser I'm dying and my wife dumps me I build a better tip
50:14He brings her back holds her hostage in his bunker. Oh love until she dies
50:20And then he keeps bringing her back over and over now now that's creepy on a level. I hardly knew existed
50:27The sad part is the real Ted must have been a genius
50:31There were design features in that robot the pre-deal. Oh, tell me you didn't keep any parts
50:37Not any big ones. Oh
50:41Well, you're supposed to use your powers for good I
50:45Just want to learn stuff like how to build your own
50:49Serial killer, it's so hard to rent one nowadays. Can we just drop this subject?
50:53Absolutely, I plan to forget the whole thing and pick up right we left off
50:58Okay, that's it. I give up. You have to sound an air horn every time I walk into a room
51:03I mean, what is it with grown-ups these days?
51:23You
51:53You