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FunTranscript
00:00I already don't want to help you.
00:04If you want this cup of whatever the heck
00:06we're about to put in it,
00:07you're going to have to address me by my God-given name.
00:10Papa.
00:10What are you doing with the cup?
00:11Oh, I've seen this before.
00:13Oh, you put rice in it?
00:15Comforting hand.
00:15Yeah, I wouldn't want to touch my kids either.
00:17Gross.
00:18Human connection?
00:19I'd rather not.
00:20That's the end of it.
00:21Oh, shoo, I don't have to touch him.
00:22Gross.
00:23Kids, am I right?
00:24Can't live with them?
00:26Kids.
00:27I got jasmine white rice and brown rice,
00:29depending on which hand I want to make,
00:30me or my girlfriend.
00:31My kid is half and half, so I'm just going to pour both.
00:34This is causing me stress.
00:38It went in my shoe.
00:39Daddy's here, and so is mommy.
00:41Nana nana boo boo.
00:43Mommy doesn't want to touch you.
00:44It's not a direct rhyme,
00:46but I think you'll get the point.
00:47Put a little bit more of white daddy in there.
00:49Cool.
00:50No gang signs.
00:53Thank God she went unconscious
00:54or I'd have to talk to her.
00:55This way, if the police ever come.
00:57No, that's not a good...
00:59sentence to stop on.
01:00As I was saying, stay awake.
01:02If the cops ever come and say,
01:03hey, putting hands on your kid, I am not.
01:06No.
01:07Now, if you were to ask me,
01:08am I throwing latex gloves full of hard rice?
01:10Yes, I am.
01:11I will not lie to you.
01:13You know what?
01:13I don't think you need both of them.
01:15You know what?
01:15Do you?
01:16I don't know.
01:17Maybe your baby likes to David Coppafeel hand drink.
01:19I don't.
01:19I know I do.
01:21David Coppafeel.
01:24Funny.
01:25Okay, you're struggling to put diapers on.
01:26I get it.
01:27I do it all the time.
01:29Holy crap, you got the pants on?
01:30You know how hard it is to put a diaper on
01:32an 11 month old, okay?
01:34Without ever touching him.
01:38Let me just go ahead and recreate how this would go.
01:43I'm crying now, and my face hurts.
01:46With these powerful yoga hands.
01:48It puts me on my hands and knees.
01:50That doesn't work, okay?
01:52Maybe don't show your kid Shrek is love, Shrek is life.
01:54Unless you want to traumatize them.
01:55But then again, you're not actually touching them
01:57with your own hands.
01:58So, you don't really care about that, do you?
02:00Hold this, Kelly.
02:01Oh.
02:04Overactor.
02:07Steptoe.
02:08Don't poop.
02:09Okay, out in public.
02:11Poop in public.
02:11Whatever happened to, hey, hold it till we get home?
02:13Why would you even, just bring the bag.
02:15Just poop in the, just stick your legs in.
02:16Hold on.
02:18Okay, maybe don't make it into a,
02:19how many eggs are in there?
02:22Oh my gosh, I need to see a doctor.
02:24Or a farmer.
02:25I've decided not to put my pants back on, so.
02:27Poop my mom.
02:28Such a mama's boy.
02:30You're pooping in the park.
02:31You're pooping with your jeans on and you're pooping grapes.
02:33Be honest with me, are you spoonful
02:34and relish into your kid's mouth?
02:36And wait, do you, you brought your own trash can.
02:38So, you'll touch the poop, but you won't touch me.
02:41Him, you won't touch him.
02:43Video, right.
02:45My mother touches me a lot.
02:47I immediately regretted that.
02:49My mother loves me, okay?
02:50Tell them.
02:51How's dad doing?
02:53Dad?
02:54Look, grandpa's here.
02:56She can't believe it either.
02:58You are embarrassing my father in front of me, Kelly.
03:00Sorry, dad.
03:01Where'd you go?
03:02It's cold in here.
03:03There must be some chunky breast milk in the atmosphere.
03:09Good idea.
03:10I normally just put mine in the warmest part of my body.
03:12My heart.
03:12Oop, nope, that's where the relish goes.
03:17You gotta know how to drink it.
03:20Would you like a sip of daddy's spicy water?
03:22Hold on, you got a little bit on your.
03:25I'm sorry, did I spit directly in your eyeball?
03:27How's that?
03:28Pretty foggy?
03:29Yeah, it's gonna be like that for a bit.
03:31That's pretty spicy, huh?
03:32Daddy's spicy water got in your eyes?
03:34Sorry about that.
03:34Daddy normally doesn't drink before two,
03:36but luckily for me, it's 2.30, so.
03:39Yeah, I have done a good job.
03:41You're right.
03:42No, no.
03:43Okay, so you put house windows on a truck.
03:46I like it.
03:47This kid's gonna be an engineer one day.
03:48Not of trucks or houses.
03:50Oh, she hates it.
03:51Oh, I did the same thing.
03:52I'm just as bad as you.
03:52You might as well just fill these hands with rice
03:55because I am just a horrible mother.
03:57Trace this so you're not bad anymore.
03:59You know what?
04:00Let kids be kids.
04:01Let him do a house window on a truck if he wants to.
04:03Holy crap, that's a lot better than the last time.
04:05Yeah, man, do that.
04:10Whatever you're gonna do with that giant needle isn't it.
04:15Okay, if plastic spoon doesn't work
04:17and you went for needle, wrong way.
04:19Okay, you're going, here's the line.
04:21You've crossed it.
04:22You gotta bribe them, okay?
04:22I'll rub your back with my real hand
04:24if you let me spoonful this stuff in.
04:26How did you do it?
04:27You shoved it in a marshmallow.
04:29That's a pretty good idea.
04:31Just hype them up full of sugar
04:32because sugar does help kill diseases.
04:34Okay, now I'm preaching.
04:37Okay, can't open the door to the outside.
04:40Make it easier for them.
04:42There you go, yeah.
04:43So you can wreak havoc wherever you want.
04:45Your shoes are on backwards.
04:47Whoa.
04:48Ooh, next.
04:49Push me, mom.
04:52I wanna go to grandma's.
04:54Oh, you're stressed now, mom?
04:57No, no, no, don't touch him.
04:5810 bucks says he makes it.
04:59Let me hold the doll.
05:01Wasn't the portable waterboarding your kid?
05:03It's over the mouth.
05:04I filled mine with pancake mix.
05:07You've aged.
05:08I've forgotten why I was even stressed in the first place.
05:11You know what?
05:12No worries, we'll just make pancakes out of it
05:13once dad gets back from the store with the milk.
05:16Can you make me a sandwich?