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00:00My husband is Danish
00:03Which is to say there is zero overlap in our parenting techniques
00:09Yeah, Dane's my husband's entire parenting repertoire is darling
00:15Please be very very very happy. Here is some Lego
00:23You know when I found out that I was going to do this gig I
00:27immediately
00:28Put together a message, and I pinged it out on our family
00:34What's app group to my husband and my children?
00:37Because that is the kind of rock-and-roll comic I am
00:41And my son my teenage son wrote back to me at once and his message said thug life chose you brah
00:48And
00:55I was like oh shit. My child has joined the gang I mean
01:01Languages is thug and brah it had two R's, but he's a terrible speller, and I was like
01:07and
01:08The other thing is I thought this message is not for me this idiot has sent me a message by mistake
01:14Which is for a gang member?
01:17What if the next message is something much worse and
01:22That really bothered me because well this was my moment
01:26I am going to Apollo like if I'm gonna find out you're a criminal can we do it next month?
01:32So I wrote back to him in all caps because as a good Indian mother, I mainly shout at my children I
01:39I
01:41Wrote back. This is your mom and he wrote back. I know gigging like a boss
01:56Yeah, b-a-w-s-e boss
01:59And also, please do remember as you listen to the rest of my set this evening that I didn't choose it
02:05But the thug life chose me
02:09So I have kids of course you love your kids, and it's difficult to raise them small kids are very easy I find
02:16The biggest downside of having a very small child is they are very boring
02:22Yeah, they want to show you they love you by talking to you all the time, but everything they know you already know
02:30I
02:38Mean literally zero value add in any of those
02:44But you do it anyway because they're your kids
02:46You know and you know what people say small kids small problems big kids bigger problems
02:52And the reason is that as your kids get older you have to discipline them properly
02:59And I find this very stressful
03:01Because I'm born and raised in India
03:04So what I consider
03:07robust healthy
03:09high quality parental discipline
03:12Is frowned upon in this part of the world?
03:16That's not true. It's illegal I
03:20Know because I have checked
03:23And I want to have really well-behaved kids, but that is no use to me if I am in jail, so
03:31What you guys do here and the big thing here is teach your kids about action and consequence using a multitude of techniques
03:40So you have something called star chart. You know what star chart is yeah?
03:43No, let me tell you sir star chart is you find something?
03:47Vaguely not negative
03:49That your child possibly might be able to do and then work it into the conversation and give them a star
03:55Thank you for not kicking me in the face today. Here's a star
04:01And
04:03Then the other one action and consequence naughty step you've been terribly behaved kindly go relax on the staircase
04:17And
04:19I was like I cannot get on board with this
04:22So what do we have from my culture that I can somehow?
04:25Glom on to this so it makes sense to me
04:28And then I thought of course our parents talked to us about action and consequence
04:32But the way they do it is they implicate us from the time. We're very young in their death
04:40This is a way to guide our behavior
04:43Um
04:44Let me give you an example. Let me find someone who sir. What is your name?
04:49John John can I use your name for this okay, so John imagine?
04:53You're four years old and your mother will say to you John. I told you to put one spoon of chocolate in the milk
04:59Why have you put two because you want me to die?
05:05Very effective with small children you know
05:08It focuses them
05:11And John your mother could be from anywhere in India, so if she was from Gujarat. She might say something like John
05:17Bet so much more. You know what I know if you
05:20John you put two spoons of chocolate in your milk. Why are you drinking milk drink my blood?
05:28She's from Punjab. She would say John don't jump much by a rejected. I don't know
05:34I'm a bit dodger John you put two spoons of chocolate in the milk fine. I am going to beat myself
05:42To death
05:45You please stay here and enjoy your milk
05:51Yeah
05:52My mom speaks Hindi so what she would probably says are a John so much cat and an hour. Oh sure out
05:57How John why are you tinkling that teaspoon pick up the knife? You know it's what you want
06:04And
06:08It was working so well for me with my firstborn until when he was about seven I got a phone call from his school
06:16And the teacher said could you and your husband please come in your son has some very specific anxieties
06:25So I went I went I didn't take my husband my husband is Danish
06:30Which is to say there is zero overlap in our parenting techniques
06:37Yeah, Danes my husband's entire parenting repertoire is darling
06:42Please be very very very happy here is some Lego
06:46I
06:56Went and the teacher said we don't understand
06:58He's a great boy great kid, but every time we give him back homework, and he hasn't got full marks
07:03He says I don't want to go home. I think my mother might be dead
07:09And on the inside I was like yes
07:13Good boy, he's been listening
07:17Son but on the outside I was like what no oh
07:22I'm so sorry. I can't imagine well. What can I say Danes are very bleak?
07:35You've been so nice