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00:00In 1486, the second year of Richard IV's historic reign, and also the year in which
00:10the egg replaced the worm as the lowest form of currency, King Richard departed England
00:17on a crusade against the Turks.
00:19He left behind him his beloved son Prince Harry to rule as regent in his stead, and
00:44his slimy son, Edmund, to do the tasks most befitting him.
00:49Egbert.
00:50My lord, with the king gone, of course, at last, a child, a son, a son, a son, a son,
01:20just a chance for some real power.
01:50On, onward, I want you scum back to the castle by Sunday.
02:19Come down, or you'll all be slaughtered.
02:21Onward!
02:22Come on.
02:23Shut up.
02:24You just keep quiet, all right?
02:25I've had enough of you.
02:26Shut up.
02:27Come on, you rascal, where are you going?
02:28Stop!
02:29Where are you going?
02:30Get away from the castle.
02:31Shut up!
02:32Get away from the castle.
02:33Get away from the castle.
02:34Get away from the castle.
02:35Get away from the castle.
02:36Get away from the castle.
02:37Get away from the castle.
02:38Get away from the castle.
02:39Get away from the castle.
02:40Get away from the castle.
02:41Get away from the castle.
02:42Get away from the castle.
02:43Get away from the castle.
02:44Get away from the castle.
02:45Get away from the castle.
02:46Get away from the castle.
02:47Get away from the castle.
02:48Shut up.
02:49Splendid.
02:50Splendid.
02:51You're not supposed to be here.
02:52That's far enough.
02:53Now get out.
02:54I could get my hands on that bastard brother Harry.
02:55Ah, Edmund.
02:56Edmund?
02:57Edmund?
02:58Edmund?
02:59Edmund?
03:00Edmund?
03:01Edmund?
03:02Edmund?
03:03Edmund?
03:04Edmund?
03:05Edmund?
03:06Edmund?
03:07Edmund?
03:08Edmund?
03:09Edmund?
03:10Edmund?
03:11Edmund?
03:12Edmund?
03:13Edmund?
03:14Edmund?
03:15Edmund?
03:16Edmund?
03:18Ah, there you are.
03:20Splendid news, Edmund.
03:22Father's coming home.
03:24He writes here that he'll be back by St. Leonard's Day.
03:28Excellent.
03:29So we can celebrate both events together.
03:32Now then, I shall handle the visiting royalty, of course,
03:36the guards of honour, and the papal legate.
03:40And you can sort out the frolics.
03:44The frolics?
03:45Yes, the Morris dancers, the eunuchs, and the bearded women.
03:50You know, the traditional St. Leonard's Day entertainments.
03:54Oh, damnation, no, I don't think I'm going to have enough time to attend to the drains.
04:00Edmund, you'll have to look into those as well.
04:03Yes, fine, fine.
04:06I'd be honoured.
04:08Good.
04:09You won't let me down now, will you?
04:11No, no, no.
04:12No.
04:13I'm really looking forward to it already.
04:16So very much.
04:18Splendid.
04:22Twelve months of chasing sheep and straightening the royal portraits,
04:29and now this.
04:31The bastard.
04:34Bastard.
04:37If only he were, my lord.
04:41What?
04:42If only he were a bastard, my lord, then you would be regent now.
04:48Ah, yes.
04:50And then one day, you would be king, my lord.
04:55Ah, yes.
04:57Yes, I would be king.
05:00And then what?
05:02You'd rule the world, my lord.
05:06Precisely.
05:08It's just not fair, you know.
05:10Every other damn woman in the court has bastard sons, but not my mother, oh no.
05:16She's so damn pretty, why, she'd only go down in case she notices her own breasts.
05:23You must be so looking forward to the king's return, your majesty.
05:29No.
05:31No, my lady.
05:33But think, he will come to your chamber and make mad, passionate love to you.
05:40Yes, I wish he wouldn't do that.
05:43It's very difficult to sleep with that kind of thing going on, you know.
05:49Being used all night long like the outside of a sausage roll.
05:55Listen, Glen, it's just so ambitious to look forward to the jesters, the jugglers.
06:03The great brown ox, steaming and smouldering all night long.
06:08Oh, yes, the feast.
06:11So?
06:13I was thinking of something else.
06:16Oh, dear.
06:18They've got the Morris dancers, I love them.
06:21Yes.
06:23I like the eunuchs.
06:26Oh, yes, the eunuchs.
06:31Oh, I wish I owned one.
06:34I wish I'd married one.
06:37Fine, fine, could have happened to anyone, never mind, never mind.
06:43Oh, God, I don't believe it.
06:48Look, we've only got one act and she's shaved her beard off.
06:54It's always the eunuchs, my Lord.
06:56Oh, yes, so, the eunuchs and the amazing beardless woman.
07:02There must be something else, there must be.
07:05Look.
07:07There's the jumping Jews of Jerusalem, my Lord.
07:10What do they do?
07:12They jump, my Lord.
07:15They come in, my Lord, and they jump.
07:17A lot.
07:19It's a humorous act.
07:21There must be something else, surely.
07:24Ah, what's this?
07:26The death of the pharaoh.
07:28Sir Dominic Prick, in his magnificent slogan,
07:33performed a tragic ancient Egyptian masterpiece,
07:37the death of the pharaoh.
07:39That sounds funny.
07:41Oh, no, no, no, I found that very moving, my Lord.
07:44It'll be funny, or Prick'll get his comeuppance, I can tell you.
07:47Forget it.
07:48No, look, what about Terry Merriweather and his four chickens?
07:52What do they do?
07:53Lay eggs.
07:55Yes, Father.
07:57All right, all right, it will happen, will happen.
08:15What is it, my Lord?
08:18The eunuchs of Jerusalem.
08:22Oh, dear.
08:24Ha! I should have known. Never trust a eunuch.
08:27What are we going to do?
08:28I know what I'm going to do.
08:29Baldrick, give me an execution order.
08:33I'm going to teach them a lesson they'll never forget.
08:36And remove whatever extraneous parts of their body still remain.
08:44My Lord.
08:45Take that to the Lord Chancellor.
08:48Oh, God, this is desperate, desperate.
08:51We could have the Morris dancers, my Lord.
08:55Now, look, we are not that desperate.
08:59Morris dancing is the most virtuous,
09:02tenth-rate entertainment ever devised by man.
09:06Forty effeminate blacksmiths waving bits of cloth
09:09they've just wiped their noses on.
09:12How it's still going on in this day and age, I'll never know.
09:17Sorry, so do you want them or not?
09:26Ah, Edmund.
09:32And rest.
09:34Oh, splendid.
09:36How are the rest of the entertainments coming along?
09:38Oh, um, very, very well indeed.
09:41Um, I think it's going to have a slightly Spartan look.
09:46What, Greek?
09:48Ah, yes, that's right, yes, Greek.
09:51Oh, look, everyone turning up?
09:54Oh, absolutely everyone.
09:56Um, so many people, in fact, I'm afraid I've had to let the eunuchs go.
10:02Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
10:05No?
10:06No, that won't do at all.
10:09Not on St. Leonard's Day, because, well, correct me if I'm wrong, Lord Percy,
10:14but St. Leonard himself was an eunuch.
10:21Yes, that's right.
10:28Well, that's why I thought it might be more tactful...
10:32Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
10:34To leave out the eunuchs on St. Leonard's Day would be like,
10:37well, it would be like leaving out the Morris dancers or the bearded women.
10:45For some, it's Lord Dougal MacAngus, the king's supreme commander, is expected at the feast.
10:51And, as you know, eunuchs are his particular favourite.
10:58He's Scottish, you see.
11:01Ah, good, good.
11:04Well, I'm relying on you, Edmund.
11:06Carry on.
11:11So, some carrot-faced, thistle-arsed, Scottish o'ragons have arrived at the feast.
11:21Apparently, he's a great warrior, my lord.
11:23Oh, yes, that's what they all say, those Scots. They're just barbarians.
11:27Half of them can't even speak English.
11:30What do they speak?
11:31I don't know. It's all Greek to me.
11:34Do they speak Greek?
11:36No, I mean it sounds like Greek.
11:39Well, if it sounds like Greek, it probably is Greek.
11:42It's not Greek.
11:45It sounds like Greek.
11:48What's not Greek, but sounds like Greek.
11:52That's a good one, my lord.
11:54It's not meant to be a brain-teaser, Percy.
11:57I'm trying to tell you that I cannot understand a blind word they're saying.
12:01Well, no wonder, my lord. You never learned Greek, of course.
12:05Percy, have you ever wondered what you're inside look like?
12:12Sometimes, my lord, yes.
12:14Then I'd be perfectly willing to satisfy your curiosity.
12:18Is it? Is it?
12:20Oh, my God, this Scotsman's beginning to annoy me already.
12:23I'm the Duke of Edinburgh, you know,
12:26and lad of Rooksburgh, Selkirk and Peebles.
12:29I can make things very difficult for him.
12:32As for these entertainments, oh, I don't know.
12:35Baldrick, you've got a beard.
12:38Go and get yourself a nice dress.
12:40Oh, it's all right, my lord.
12:42Percy, you'd better go and get Bernard the Bear Baiter.
12:47Yes, my lord.
12:48Looks like we'll be needing him.
12:49Now, Percy.
12:50Yes, my lord?
12:51Tell him to bring a bear this time.
12:56The improvising last year was pathetic.
13:02Harry, mother, a toast.
13:05To father's return.
13:08What the devil?
13:19Noble Harry, Prince of Wales, Duke Omecangus greets you
13:29and lays at your feet the spoils of an enemy at war.
13:33Oh, sorry, that's my overnight bag.
13:38Behold, treasures torn from the torsos of the tough.
13:43Oh, Omecangus, it fills me with joy and hope to see you.
13:49What news of my father the King?
13:51When I last saw him, he swore he would be back by the feast of St. Leonard
13:55and die in their tent.
13:56God forbid. We shall pray for his safe passage.
14:00Join us, join us, you must be starving.
14:03And their young Lockenbar.
14:05Oh, yes, and him too.
14:06Come on, Lockenbar.
14:14Aye.
14:18You must be the King's wee bit of rumpy bumpy, eh?
14:21I am the King.
14:22Aye, aye. Well, see, I've got a message for you.
14:25My father asked me to send his regards to you.
14:28Do I know him?
14:29Oh, I think you can say that, yes.
14:32He's Donald Omecangus, Third Duke of Argyll.
14:36Ha, ha, ha, ha.
14:40Ah, Edmund, there you are.
14:42Look, Angus, this is the man who's providing the entertainments for us tomorrow.
14:46Ah, the eunuch.
14:51Here's a groat for your trouble.
14:56I am not a eunuch.
14:58Well, you sound like one to me.
15:00I am not a eunuch.
15:02I am the Duke of Edinburgh.
15:04Oh, you are, are you?
15:06Yes.
15:07Same old story, eh?
15:09Duke of Edinburgh had about as Scottish as the Queen of England's tits.
15:13Oh, sorry. May I phrase your Majesty?
15:17I'm sorry, you're in my chair.
15:20Don't apologise.
15:26Well, now we've all got to know each other,
15:29I have rather a special announcement to make.
15:32Well, tell me you're a eunuch as well.
15:34Look, Angus, as reward for your heroic deeds in battle,
15:39my father here empowers me to grant you anything that you may desire of me.
15:45If he's got any sense, he'll ask for a haircut.
15:50I'm honoured.
15:51All I ask for is a scrap of land.
15:54Grant me fair Selkirk and the noble Sire of Roxburgh.
15:58What?
15:59Very well, by the power vested in me.
16:02Excuse me, I'm sorry to dip my little fly in your ointment,
16:08but those lands do in fact belong to me.
16:13Yes.
16:14Well, so perhaps he'd like to choose somewhere else.
16:19Look, Angus, not all of Roxburgh and Selkirk.
16:22But that leaves me with Peebles.
16:25Oh, and Peebles.
16:28Are you trying to say something, Edmund?
16:30Well, I don't know.
16:32I mean, some people might say,
16:34well, what an absurd idea,
16:36giving away half of Scotland to a kilted maniac
16:40for slaughtering a couple of syphilitic Turks.
16:45Au contraire.
16:48I say, let's reward him.
16:52Good, good.
16:54So be it.
16:58Hurray!
17:08I'm going to kill him, and I'm going to kill him now.
17:12Who, my lord?
17:13That stinking Scottish weasel.
17:15Why, my lord?
17:16Because he's a thieving, stinking Scottish weasel, that's why.
17:20How?
17:21I'm going to stab him.
17:22Where?
17:23In the great hall, and in the bladder.
17:28But if you do it in front of everybody,
17:32won't they suspect something?
17:35Yes.
17:37Yes, a drawback.
17:39Yes, perhaps we need something a little more cunning.
17:47I have a cunning plan.
17:49Yes, perhaps, but I think I may have a more cunning plan.
17:52Mine's pretty cunning, my lord.
17:53Yes, but not cunning enough, I imagine.
17:55Well, it turns out cunning you mean, my lord.
17:57Well, I'm pretty damn cunning.
17:58How cunning do you think I mean?
17:59Mine's quite cunning, my lord.
18:01All right, then, let's hear it.
18:03Let's hear what's so damn cunning.
18:06Right, well, first of all, you get him to come with you.
18:08Oh, yes, very cunning, brilliantly cunning.
18:11I ask him to come with me, and then stab him, perhaps.
18:14No, cunning in you again.
18:16No, my lord, you get this enormous great cannon.
18:18No, I see.
18:19Take him outside, get him to stick his head down the cannon,
18:22then blow it off.
18:24Yes, Morfig, that's a wonderful idea.
18:29No, I think I have a plan that will give us a little more entertainment.
18:48Let's go.
19:18Halt!
19:48Halt!
20:19Can I help you?
20:24Um, no, no, I'm fine, thank you.
20:28Good.
20:36I'm not in your way over here, are I?
20:39Nope.
20:47Oh, there is just one thing.
20:50I was wondering if you could do me a little favour.
20:57Uh-huh.
20:59Um, I was wondering if you'd like to help with the celebrations tonight.
21:04Oh, by staying away, do you mean?
21:06Uh, well, the thing is, um, we were hoping to present a mystery play
21:24by one of our leading thespianic troops.
21:27Um, but unfortunately, one of their number is ill,
21:34and I thought you'd be the perfect person to take his place.
21:39Well, I warned you.
21:43I'm no actor.
21:46Well, there shouldn't be much acting required.
21:51It's an ancient Egyptian piece called The Death of the Scotsman.
21:59Ah, I'll have a crack at that.
22:02You, uh, you can play the Scotsman, if you like, who dies at the end of the play.
22:11Oh, acting dead! Now, that I can do.
22:14Yes, well, as I say, there may not be much acting required.
22:27Oh, and mind the weasel pit.
22:57Oh, the tree. Let's see those branches waving and swaying.
23:14Taller, taller, taller. Now smaller. Smaller, taller, smaller, taller.
23:19Have you made necessary changes?
23:23Uh, yes, my lord.
23:31My name is, uh...
23:34Meet your nerdness.
23:47How did it go?
23:49Not bad.
23:52See, you know, I don't really think they understood it.
23:59We three are gathered with most bold intent
24:04here by the banks of the graceful Nile,
24:08where camels ride and deserts blow
24:12to spill the blood of this Scotsman vile.
24:16What is this Scotsman doing in Egypt?
24:19I'm not sure, but apparently they've had very good reviews.
24:24See your mother there? I met my father on the way back from France.
24:28Apparently him and your mother used to...
24:32Look, don't be absurd. Such activities are totally beyond my mother.
24:38My father only got anywhere with her because he told her it was a cure for diarrhoea.
24:43Don't you believe it? I've got some letters I took from his tent.
24:47By God, they're hot stuff.
24:49I'll tell you, we certainly cast a wee shadow of doubt
24:52over the parenthood of young Harry for a start.
24:55Don't doubt, be absurd.
24:57Silence.
24:59What?
25:00A bagpipe strums.
25:02Behold, this way our victim comes.
25:06Oh, that's very cute. Come on.
25:08Letters? Letters? Where are these letters?
25:11They're safely hidden away. I'll show you them later.
25:14All right.
25:20To the common person, you come not a-wait too soon.
25:25For is this not the one of Baird?
25:28For this the I of June?
25:31I-N-S.
25:35What business do you meet?
25:39Oh, my God, a gangster's going to die.
25:42In a moment, we'll see.
25:44Carrot-faced orangutan.
25:46Leaving Scott's weasel.
25:48Death to Scott.
25:50No, no, look, look, he knows too much.
25:53That is why he must die.
25:56No, look, he mustn't, he mustn't, he has vital information.
26:00I've changed my mind, I've changed my mind.
26:02Oh, my God, what am I going to do?
26:04Stop the show, my lord.
26:06How? How?
26:07We'll just say stop.
26:09What's our reason? What's our reason to stop the show?
26:12Because the knives are real and Mackangus is just about to get killed.
26:16Oh, you bastard.
26:22But I want to see.
26:31Stop.
26:32Sorry, I'm late.
26:36Yes.
26:39All right.
26:52Good, excellent.
26:54It's certainly my mother's handwriting.
26:56When did you say these words?
26:58Er, 1460.
27:00The year my brother was born.
27:04Baldrick, get in here.
27:09Baldrick, get out there and tell everyone that the rest of the entertainments have been cancelled.
27:15Why?
27:16Why? Because I told you to, you silly little rat.
27:18Now, why have they been cancelled, my lord?
27:20Dorothy.
27:21What?
27:22My lord, I have a very important announcement to make.
27:30Does that mean I have to take the dress off?
27:32I'll get it, I'll get it, I'll get it, I'll get it, I'll get it.
27:39Now, have you played your cards right?
27:41You could become king.
27:43Ah, yes, one day.
27:45Ah, sooner than you think, maybe.
27:47It's the last time I saw your father.
27:49He just charged into Constantinople when they shut the gates for him.
27:53No.
27:54Yes.
27:5510,000 of the Turk and their army scimitars.
27:58And your father with a small knife for peeling fruit.
28:02Mmm.
28:05Ooh.
28:14Jerry Merriweather.
28:17Another nail in the coffin of variety.
28:22I might burn a rabbit, Peter.
28:26Thank you, thank you.
28:27Look, Edmund, is this announcement going to take long?
28:30I haven't seen hide nor hair of a eunuch yet.
28:33Oh, don't worry, Harry.
28:35It will soon all be over.
28:40My dear mother, my dear brother,
28:43lords and ladies of the court.
28:47Today they came into my possession
28:50from the hands, my lord, of your faithful servant, Dugal MacAngus.
28:56Certain letters.
28:58Letters.
28:59Rather extraordinary letters
29:03concerning the lineage of Prince Harry.
29:09Letters?
29:10What is so extraordinary about them?
29:13Letters?
29:14Well, Harry, they were written by your mother to your father.
29:21Your father Harry being, of course,
29:25Donald Sir Duke of Argyle.
29:28I beg your pardon.
29:30These letters are of quite an intimate nature.
29:33Let me give you an example.
29:36Arundel, Thursday.
29:38My dear Harry-wary.
29:41Often as you sit at table with my husband,
29:45probing deeply into the affairs of state,
29:49I long for the day when you will prove...
29:52Edmund! Are you sure you know what you're saying?
29:55As sure as our mother was, Harry, when she wrote these words.
30:00Dear big boy, sail south.
30:04As you know, your galleon is always assured a warm welcome in my harbour.
30:13Big boy?
30:15Mother, do you know anything about this?
30:18Well, what chance did I have?
30:20I was just a little foreign girl.
30:23Then I must renounce the regency and hire me to a monastery.
30:29Edmund, you shall be regent until your father returns.
30:34The king will not be returning.
30:37What?
30:38Oh, dear.
30:39No, when Cangis last saw him,
30:42he was facing half the Turkish army,
30:45armed only with a small piece of cutlery.
30:49So, Hattie, if you'd like to start things off.
30:53The king is dead.
30:55Long live the king.
30:57The king is dead.
30:59Long live the king.
31:01Probably dead.
31:03The king is probably dead.
31:06Long live the king.
31:08The king is probably dead.
31:11Long live the king.
31:13The king.
31:14The king.
31:16Not dead.
31:18Long live the king.
31:24Right.
31:26Death.
31:27War.
31:28Right to Pompey.
31:30Triumph.
31:33My Cangis.
31:37My companion in blood.
31:40Our most trusted friend.
31:42You made it.
31:44I made it, thanks to my trusty fruit knife.
31:58Wait a minute.
32:01What's going on here?
32:05Who are you?
32:07He's our son.
32:09What?
32:12Yes, of course.
32:15He did.
32:19My beloved father,
32:21certain letters have come to light,
32:24which might change things a bit around here.
32:28Letters? What letters?
32:30They speak of acts of love between your wife
32:34and Donald the gay dog of the glens.
32:38How I long to be in that kingdom
32:41between the saffron sheets
32:43where you and your ruler are the only ruler.
32:48And an act of love consummated,
32:51oh, you enormous Scotsman.
32:54And these letters are dated November and December 1460,
33:00which, Harry, in relation to your date of birth,
33:04is precisely nine months after I was born.
33:14But nine months before your birth, Edmund.
33:19Who?
33:21You bastard!
33:25No, I think you're the bastard, Edmund.
33:30Silence!
33:32I want an explanation.
33:36My liege,
33:38the reason I have gathered you all here today
33:43is to try to get some proper justice
33:47meted out against this Scottish turd
33:50who has clearly forged these obviously fake letters.
33:54Let me see them.
33:56No, I rip them up in his face
33:58so no hint of that filthy slander can remain.
34:07You come in here
34:09fresh from slaughtering a couple of chockos
34:12when their backs were turned
34:14and you think you can upset the harmony of a whole kingdom?
34:18I challenge you to a duel to the death!
34:23Um, yes, all right.
34:26Excellent idea!
34:28After all, it is St. Leonard's Day.
34:32There's meant to be some entertainment.
34:37Go on, Harry, go on.
34:39Take your places.
34:46This virus is the old blood sugar.
34:49You ain't your time with the three ducks and the human chesky barbie.
34:55How could I ever forget?
34:57Very well.
34:59Let the killing begin!
35:25Let me see the poor kind of wriggle under this one.
35:29Grim Lord!
35:31Come on, what's the holdup?
35:34Um, I'll give you everything I own, everything.
35:37Uh-huh.
35:38Um, I'm hardly a rich man.
35:42You're hardly a man at all.
35:46But my horse must be worth a thousand ducats.
35:51I can sell my wardrobe.
35:53The pride of my life.
35:55My swords, my curtains, my socks, and my fighting cocks.
36:00Oh, my servants I can live without.
36:03Except perhaps he who oils my rack.
36:07And then my most intimate treasures.
36:09My collection of antique cod pieces.
36:13My wigs for state occasions.
36:15My wigs for private occasions.
36:17And my wigs for humorous occasions.
36:22My collection of pokers.
36:24My Grendel stretchers.
36:26My ornamental Pumphreys.
36:29And of course, my autographed miniature of Judas Iscariot.
36:42That's nowhere near enough!
36:45Ah, come on then, kid.
36:49Actually, I'm quite interested in the wigs.
36:58Hey!
37:00Hope life doesn't become too dull,
37:02nobody able to pass laws over Scotland.
37:08I wouldn't pass water over Scotland.
37:15Freddo.
37:17We're all terribly pleased you're back, father.
37:21I'm not.
37:23I miss the smell of blood in my nostrils.
37:26And the Queen's got a headache.
37:30But we do have a fascinating week ahead.
37:33In fact, the Archbishop of York has asked me
37:36if you'd care to join his formation Italian dance class.
37:39And I really ought to give him an answer.
37:42Do you want me to be honest or tactful?
37:45Tactful, I think.
37:47Tell him to get stuffed!
37:50Has that little hooligan MacAngus left?
37:53No, Edmund's giving him a last look round the castle now.
37:58While this...
38:01Well, I'll be sorry to see him go.
38:03Ah, very interesting.
38:05Yes, and so will Edmund.
38:07They've become firm friends.
38:10Oh, dear!
38:12The Turks!
38:13The drains!
38:15Father! Harry!
38:17There's been rather a messy accident.
38:20You must compensate me.
38:21Oh, my God! I should need my plunger!
38:29The sound of hoofbeats cross the glade
38:33Good folk, lock up your son and daughter
38:38Beware the deadly flashing blade
38:43Unless you want to end up shorter
38:47Blackadder, Blackadder
38:52He rides a pitch black steed
38:57Blackadder, Blackadder
39:02He's very bad indeed
39:07Black, his gloves are finest wool
39:12Black, his cockpiece made of metal
39:17His horse is blacker than a vole
39:22His heart is blacker than his head
39:26Blackadder, Blackadder
39:31With many a cunning plan
39:36Blackadder, Blackadder
39:40You are indeed a man