Watch Full Movie Online The Sex Trip 2017 English Movie
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00:00:00When I was 10, my family moved to America.
00:00:25Shortly thereafter, I learned a valuable lesson about love.
00:00:28Hey new kid, wanna play a card game called 52 pick up?
00:00:37Pick it up, dick for brains.
00:00:49She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.
00:00:52I felt instantly a manly love.
00:01:04Then she broke my heart.
00:01:07I vowed never to let love hurt me again.
00:01:10Today, I am a master of love.
00:01:14Your book, 52 pick up, is basically a how to guide for men to pick up women, is it not?
00:01:19It is, yeah.
00:01:21And you claim that your book will help men pick up a different woman every week for a
00:01:28year?
00:01:29Yeah, it's really that simple.
00:01:31All they have to do is follow my three simple rules of engagement.
00:01:34That is trigger her interest, play indifferent, and go for the kill.
00:01:41Are you aware how degrading that is to women?
00:01:44I mean some could say it reduces us to mere objects who could be easily tricked into bed.
00:01:49I mean how would you respond to such allegations?
00:01:51How do I respond?
00:01:55Guilty as charged.
00:01:58Bang, bang, bang.
00:02:01It goes on and on.
00:02:05Clank, clank, clank.
00:02:08Hear that firing sound.
00:02:13Are you feeling nervous?
00:02:16Hey, where the hell are you?
00:02:34Oh, what the hell is that?
00:02:37That's, that's not, oh no, no.
00:02:42What the hell?
00:02:58Hey, what's up, Ruben?
00:03:00Hey, what's, whoa, take it easy, brother.
00:03:02It's all right, dude, we're just men here.
00:03:04All right.
00:03:05Do a good job, though.
00:03:06You're early, aren't you?
00:03:07You got it, bro.
00:03:13Has it gone good?
00:03:15Very well.
00:03:17How you guys feel out here?
00:03:18Good.
00:03:19Yeah, I enjoyed it.
00:03:21Next to mine?
00:03:26It's so good to meet you.
00:03:28Well, thank you for coming.
00:03:29Dude, you've changed my life.
00:03:32That's the whole point.
00:03:34I used to live in my parents' basement, and the only thing I spoke to was,
00:03:38I used to live in my parents' basement, and the only thing I scored was my Xbox.
00:03:44But now, I'm scoring with my ladies.
00:03:49That's right. Go get her.
00:03:54Oh, shit.
00:03:56Hi.
00:03:57Hi.
00:03:58I can't believe it's really you.
00:03:59It's really me.
00:04:01I owe you so much. Your book has helped me overcome this.
00:04:07A tiny penis?
00:04:08What? No. I'm talking about my lack of style.
00:04:13I meant your tiny lack of style. I don't know why I said penis.
00:04:17That's what you meant.
00:04:18That's exactly why. I don't know why I said penis.
00:04:19You're an asshole.
00:04:20I'm sorry. I'm sure you're packing.
00:04:23Baby's arm holding an apple.
00:04:25Yeah.
00:04:26What are you doing?
00:04:27I don't know. It just came out.
00:04:30Hi.
00:04:34Quite a collection of losers today, huh?
00:04:36Worse than usual.
00:04:37Yeah.
00:04:38Okay, those losers are the reason you live in a million-dollar house and wear custom-made suits.
00:04:42It's okay. I still love them, though. Hence the term, lovable loser.
00:04:46Yeah, and hey, hey, you know what? You should show the man a little more respect here, okay?
00:04:50He's making your company a lot of green, and you know what? We haven't signed the contract for that third book yet, so...
00:04:55Don't touch me.
00:04:56It's okay, Steve.
00:04:57Polly here has a right to her opinion.
00:04:59Okay, it's Molly.
00:05:02But Steve is right. I was out of line. It won't happen again.
00:05:05It's all good, babe. It's all good, Molly.
00:05:08We sold over a hundred copies.
00:05:11That's great, Nana.
00:05:12Yeah, those losers really eat this shit up.
00:05:17Here. I wrote my number in it.
00:05:19If you want to get with a real woman, give me a call.
00:05:23What the...
00:05:25Don't even think about it.
00:05:31Oh, hey, hey. Listen, I almost forgot.
00:05:33They asked me if you want to participate in this charity fashion show.
00:05:36Really?
00:05:37Yeah.
00:05:38For how much you pay?
00:05:39No, that's for charity.
00:05:40But all the models are going to be celebs.
00:05:42Oh, interesting.
00:05:43Yeah, yeah. There's going to be some big names there.
00:05:45You know what? You might allow me to broider my fishing ponds.
00:05:48Dude.
00:05:49I know.
00:05:50That was...
00:05:51I know.
00:05:52Yeah, we won't...
00:05:53Don't worry.
00:05:54I'll get it the second it came out of my mouth.
00:05:56Okay.
00:05:57Oh!
00:05:58Hey, wait a minute.
00:06:00Hey, don't forget about these police boys.
00:06:02Huh?
00:06:03Don't forget about...
00:06:04You're an asshole!
00:06:06Asshole!
00:06:07You hear that?
00:06:08Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:06:10Get out of here.
00:06:11Fancy calling me or some shit.
00:06:13You know what?
00:06:14Hey, everybody.
00:06:45Edison Greenlee!
00:06:46Jesus!
00:06:47Whoa!
00:06:48What?
00:06:49Hello.
00:06:50Hello.
00:06:51Do I know you?
00:06:52How do you know my name?
00:06:53Does that really matter?
00:06:54Well, I'm a fool, of course, and the jacket's in my book.
00:06:55Okay.
00:06:56You want an autograph?
00:06:57No!
00:06:58I'm a fool.
00:06:59I'm a fool.
00:07:00I'm a fool.
00:07:01I'm a fool.
00:07:02I'm a fool.
00:07:03I'm a fool.
00:07:04I'm a fool.
00:07:05I'm a fool.
00:07:06I'm a fool.
00:07:07I'm a fool.
00:07:08I'm a fool.
00:07:09I'm a fool.
00:07:10I'm a fool.
00:07:11I'm a fool.
00:07:12I'm a fool.
00:07:13You want an autograph?
00:07:14No!
00:07:15Look, Eddie.
00:07:16I'm here to ask you something.
00:07:19Yeah, you see, I don't really carry cash.
00:07:22I don't want your money!
00:07:24What do you want?
00:07:25You don't really respect women, do you?
00:07:28I'm sorry.
00:07:29What?
00:07:30Did Steve Burns put you up to this?
00:07:32Where is he?
00:07:33Women are nothing but notches on your bedposts.
00:07:36Yeah, my bedposts.
00:07:37In fact, I don't even have bedposts on my bed, so...
00:07:42That's a metaphor, Eddie.
00:07:44A metaphor.
00:07:46Oh, I get it.
00:07:47I'm being punked, aren't I?
00:07:49This is brilliant!
00:07:50Where, where are they?
00:07:51All right, you can come out now.
00:07:52Where's the film crew?
00:07:53There's no film crew, Eddie!
00:07:56All right, I'm, you know, I'm tired of this.
00:07:58No more games, okay?
00:07:59You gave me what I'm here for.
00:08:01And what are you here for?
00:08:03Kiss me!
00:08:04Jeez, I don't think that's gonna happen.
00:08:06Prove to me that you can see the beauty in all women,
00:08:09the beauty beneath the surface.
00:08:11Kiss me!
00:08:12All right, no offence, you crazy old bat,
00:08:14but run or my dick drops off, all right?
00:08:17What?
00:08:18Shoot yourself!
00:08:37Yeah, so, uh, Molly, listen, I, uh...
00:08:40Too close.
00:08:41Okay.
00:08:42Are you doing that thing kids do when they like each other?
00:08:45No.
00:08:46Well, okay, then.
00:08:47How about we talk business?
00:08:48Maybe a few strawberry daiquiris, discuss that third contract.
00:08:50What do you say?
00:08:51Maybe...
00:08:52Oh, God!
00:08:59And then two of my eight cats, they got in this really big fight.
00:09:02It was just horrible.
00:09:03I ended up having to take Mr. Muggles to the vet,
00:09:05and then we had to put him down.
00:09:06I'm sorry, I can't talk.
00:09:07I'm really happy for you.
00:09:13I thought soon mothers were all required to be at a rank state,
00:09:16but you look just so goddamn healthy.
00:09:19Wait, are you saying that I look fat?
00:09:22No, no, that's not what I'm saying.
00:09:24I'm saying you look really healthy.
00:09:26Oh, my God.
00:09:28Why shouldn't I be eating this toffee cheese, man?
00:09:30Why shouldn't I be eating this toffee cheese, man?
00:09:32Don't be so hard on yourself, you know?
00:09:34You're only human.
00:09:35Humans are flawed.
00:09:37Wait, I still don't have flaws?
00:09:39No, I'm saying that I think you're gorgeous,
00:09:42but just don't worry about what anybody else thinks about you.
00:09:44Wait, you think people are talking about me?
00:09:47Well, you know what these bitches are like.
00:09:56What are you thinking about?
00:09:57Getting out of here soon.
00:09:59I'm a little, um, a little toxic, I think.
00:10:02Tell me about it.
00:10:04Um, hey, um, would you like to come back to my place?
00:10:09It's like five minutes away.
00:10:12Really?
00:10:13Oh, I mean, we start in the morning, huh?
00:10:17Please.
00:10:19Wow.
00:10:20I promise to make it worth your while.
00:10:24Like my sister, man.
00:10:28Let's get out of here, come on.
00:10:53Wow.
00:11:24What the fuck?
00:11:30Oh, my God.
00:11:32It can't be.
00:11:38I'm dreaming.
00:11:44Oh, my God.
00:11:46Oh, my God.
00:11:48Oh, my God.
00:11:50Oh, my God.
00:11:52Oh, my God.
00:12:11Where are you going?
00:12:13Oh.
00:12:20Oh, come on, come on.
00:12:33Hello?
00:12:35Steve, you need to get to my place right away.
00:12:38Who is this?
00:12:40It's Eddie, dumbass.
00:12:41Really?
00:12:42Who is this?
00:12:43Um, you just need to get to Eddie's place as soon as you can.
00:12:47Why?
00:12:49Because he wants you to join us in his threesome.
00:12:53Really?
00:12:55He's never asked me that before.
00:12:57Are you in or what?
00:12:59I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in.
00:13:12Oh, my God.
00:13:43About time.
00:13:50What?
00:13:53Wow.
00:13:55Look at you.
00:13:56Well, your stud service has arrived.
00:14:00Huh?
00:14:01I studied Goju-kai karate.
00:14:03Ki-ai, by the way.
00:14:06Yeah.
00:14:08So, where is he?
00:14:10Where's Eddie?
00:14:11Funny thing about that.
00:14:13Eddie?
00:14:15You back here?
00:14:17So, where is he?
00:14:18It's me, Steve, Eddie.
00:14:19Oh, ha, ha, ha.
00:14:21Okay, yeah.
00:14:23Eddie, you back here?
00:14:25Uh, he's standing right in front of you.
00:14:28Okay, I get it.
00:14:29You're hot.
00:14:30I don't know what's going on here, but if you don't tell me where Eddie is, I'm going to have to call the cops.
00:14:36Okay, listen to me, Steve.
00:14:38I really don't know what happened.
00:14:40Last night, I fell asleep, and when I woke up, I was this.
00:14:45Have a good week.
00:14:48Beth Macdonald.
00:14:52What was that?
00:14:53Your crush in middle school.
00:14:55Beth Macdonald, the one that got away.
00:14:58Okay, Eddie's the only one who knows that.
00:15:00See?
00:15:01All that proves is that he told you about her.
00:15:03Okay, how about Jessica Levine?
00:15:06She was a junior teacher in 10th grade and cried like a little baby.
00:15:09That's because she bit my dick.
00:15:13Wait a minute.
00:15:14Okay, what's going... Did he tell you my whole life story?
00:15:17Steve, it's me, Eddie, stuck inside a chick's body.
00:15:22Oh, come on.
00:15:26Okay, fine.
00:15:28If you're ready, tell me this.
00:15:29Two years ago, we took a trip to Vegas.
00:15:31Yeah.
00:15:32We got really drunk with some strippers,
00:15:34and they dared us to do something really disgusting.
00:15:36The next day, we swore, we swore we would never talk about it again.
00:15:42Really?
00:15:43Yeah.
00:15:44Really, Steve?
00:15:45You want to make me say this out loud?
00:15:47Hey, if you're Eddie, well, you'd know all about it.
00:15:54Okay, we gave each other...
00:15:57Excuse me, what was that?
00:16:01We gave each other handjobs.
00:16:03Are you happy?
00:16:04What?
00:16:05Eddie?
00:16:07Can I just take this off?
00:16:10Wait a minute.
00:16:11Wait a minute, Eddie.
00:16:12This is impossible.
00:16:13I mean, how did this happen?
00:16:17I don't know.
00:16:19Like I said, I fell asleep at Alexa's last night after banging her up and down,
00:16:22and when I woke up, I was a chick.
00:16:31Well, at least you're hot.
00:16:34Shut the fuck up.
00:16:36Wait.
00:16:37You think I'm hot?
00:16:38Hell yeah, I do.
00:16:39So you would have sex with me knowing it's me, Eddie, inside this body?
00:16:44Hey, if the Vegas, what have I got to lose?
00:16:47Good point.
00:16:48Right?
00:16:49So, if you don't mind, can I see the whole package, maybe?
00:16:52What?
00:16:53You know, minus the clothes.
00:16:54I am not taking my clothes off for you.
00:16:56Okay, fine, be that way.
00:16:58I have to say, my breasts are really perky.
00:17:07Steve.
00:17:13Steve.
00:17:16I'm a first stand.
00:17:18Okay.
00:17:19I said we need to figure out what happened to me.
00:17:21Okay.
00:17:23Jesus.
00:17:29Okay.
00:17:30Let's figure this out.
00:17:32Let's think about the last 24 hours, yeah?
00:17:34You had the book signing.
00:17:36Yeah.
00:17:37You had the release party.
00:17:38You had sex with the supermodel.
00:17:40Nothing unusual.
00:17:41Okay, then.
00:17:42Wait.
00:17:43What?
00:17:44The homeless woman.
00:17:45You had sex with a homeless woman?
00:17:46No, dumbass.
00:17:48I was outside the building before the party, and this homeless woman came up to me.
00:17:52She knew my name, said I didn't respect women, didn't see their inner beauty, some shit like that.
00:17:58Then, she asked me to kiss her.
00:18:00Wow, how was that?
00:18:02That's the thing, I mean, I blew her off.
00:18:05She was fucking hideous.
00:18:09I would have fucked her.
00:18:13Twice.
00:18:15She must have put a spell on me.
00:18:17That's the only thing that makes sense.
00:18:19Okay.
00:18:20Okay, so, we are looking for a homeless woman with magical powers.
00:18:25I mean, I don't know, I guess so.
00:18:28Maybe she was a witch.
00:18:29A witch.
00:18:30Did she have a broom?
00:18:31No.
00:18:32Okay.
00:18:33But, she did have a really big walking stick.
00:18:36Her magic wand.
00:18:38Yeah, her magic wand, yeah.
00:18:39Right, well, with all these magical powers, why was she still so ugly?
00:18:43What?
00:18:44I mean, the first thing you do is make yourself hot, right?
00:18:46What's that got to do with anything?
00:18:48Wait a minute, no.
00:18:49Because if she was hot, it would have been easy for you to kiss her.
00:18:52My God, this lady is slick.
00:18:54I've got to tell you, if she was here, I'd give her some props.
00:18:56You're an idiot.
00:18:59That's it.
00:19:00What?
00:19:01We have to find her.
00:19:02I mean, if she turned me into a chick, then she can turn me back again.
00:19:05Wait a minute.
00:19:06Listen to me.
00:19:07You know how hard it's going to be to find a homeless woman in this city?
00:19:09Like trying to find a virgin in a whorehouse.
00:19:11Okay, listen to me, Steve.
00:19:12We either find her, or I'm stuck as a chick for I don't know how long.
00:19:16Maybe forever.
00:19:17Doesn't worry me, because you're kind of hot.
00:19:19Dude, me and you, not going to happen.
00:19:25Not until I slip you a few mickeys.
00:19:27I still say if she had magic powers, she'd use them not to be homeless.
00:19:31Or maybe searching for her in homeless shelters is part of the test.
00:19:34Yeah, but not the fun part.
00:19:45Can I help you?
00:19:46Yeah, hi.
00:19:47We're trying to find a homeless woman.
00:19:48This is a homeless shelter.
00:19:50We have about 40 of them.
00:19:51She's really old.
00:19:53There's about 30 of them.
00:19:54She's really ugly.
00:19:56Look, this is really important.
00:19:59You see, I think she took something of mine.
00:20:03So let me get this straight.
00:20:05Some poor, old, homeless woman who's probably struggling to survive took something from you?
00:20:12Yeah.
00:20:13So what do you want me to do?
00:20:15Make our clients line up so you can pick her out?
00:20:18Oh my God, that would be so great. Thank you.
00:20:20Oh!
00:20:22Have you ever heard of sarcasm skippy?
00:20:27That shit ain't happening.
00:20:29Well, can we at least have a look around?
00:20:31No, you can't be looking around in here.
00:20:33Okay, what do you expect us to do?
00:20:35What I expect you to do is to take your skinny, sorry asses and get up out of here before I...
00:20:41What's going on here?
00:20:45These two claim that a homeless woman stole from them.
00:20:49And they want us to line up our clients like a bunch of criminals so they can pick her out.
00:20:53Well, that's not exactly true.
00:20:55Hi, I'm Jeff White. I'm the manager.
00:20:58Hi, I'm Ed.
00:21:00No, Greenleaf.
00:21:02So, why don't you tell me what's going on here?
00:21:04Okay, the other night I ran into this homeless woman on the street.
00:21:07She was really ugly.
00:21:09Anyway, I think she might have taken something of mine.
00:21:14And what would that be, if you don't mind my asking?
00:21:20It was...
00:21:21Her identity.
00:21:23She took your identity?
00:21:26Oh, it's kind of hard to explain.
00:21:29You mean your ID?
00:21:31That's right, her ID.
00:21:33Oh, well, I guess I can see why you'd want that back.
00:21:36So, can you describe her for me?
00:21:39Yeah, she's about 80 years old.
00:21:41She has this wild grey hair and this really big crooked nose.
00:21:44Tell her about the walking stick.
00:21:46Oh, yeah, she had this massive wooden walking stick.
00:21:48Yeah, like a magic wand.
00:21:50Like a magic wand?
00:21:52Mm-hmm.
00:21:53What a plain Jane, huh?
00:21:54I know. You should have asked her out.
00:21:56What? She was a five at best.
00:21:58Yeah, but together you'd make a ten.
00:21:59Oh, you're an asshole.
00:22:01Five shelters and no sign of her.
00:22:03Buddy, I've got to tell you, I'm starving.
00:22:05You know what I'm saying?
00:22:07It's really harder than I thought.
00:22:12Look, uh, maybe we should eat something.
00:22:14Maybe get a little Thai food.
00:22:15Maybe it's just a...
00:22:16What?
00:22:17Some Thai food, man.
00:22:18I'm starving. Come on.
00:22:19Sure, whatever.
00:22:22Okay.
00:22:23Okay.
00:22:26Look, listen to me.
00:22:28We will find this homeless woman.
00:22:30This witch.
00:22:31Whatever it is you think she is, we will find her.
00:22:33Yeah, but what do I do until then?
00:22:35I'm a chick, Steve.
00:22:41Well, you know what?
00:22:43Embrace it.
00:22:44Embrace it?
00:22:45Yes, Eddie.
00:22:46Embrace it.
00:22:48I mean, come on, man, think about it.
00:22:50A chance for you to see what it's like on the other side.
00:22:53Right?
00:22:54Embrace that.
00:22:57And, hey, maybe a good time to do a little research for your third book.
00:23:05Yeah.
00:23:06There you go.
00:23:08I'm starving. I'm going to eat.
00:23:24Good morning.
00:23:25How can I help you?
00:23:27Hey, guys.
00:23:28Ma'am.
00:23:29Um, look, we're here to get my sister here.
00:23:31She needs a little of everything.
00:23:34Fabulous.
00:23:35You've come to the right place.
00:23:37What's her size?
00:23:38Uh, slightly too regular.
00:23:40Ha, just kidding.
00:23:42Um, I'm a size two.
00:23:45Yeah, sure.
00:23:46Great.
00:23:47Okay.
00:23:54So, uh, you guys are from Russia, right?
00:23:58Yes, a lot.
00:24:00Yes, cool.
00:24:03And this is so-called, we pray, global warming.
00:24:08Hell no.
00:24:10Well, something's wrong.
00:24:12Yeah, this is messed up.
00:24:14Wrong size?
00:24:16You tell me.
00:24:18Holy shit.
00:24:21Looks like a good fit.
00:24:23So it's supposed to feel like someone's cut you in half with a rusty butter knife?
00:24:27Yeah, pretty much.
00:24:29I mean, I have to admit,
00:24:31I do like how this just makes the goods.
00:24:33Fuck you.
00:24:34Like butter chipmunks.
00:24:37Steve, what do you think?
00:24:39Marry me.
00:24:40Oh, shut the fuck up.
00:24:42No, I'm serious.
00:24:43Marry me, because you and I, we make a great couple.
00:24:45What happens when I go through the change?
00:24:47I'm not giving you any more hand jobs.
00:24:49She's really not my sister.
00:24:52Americans.
00:24:54No, no, no, she's actually a little more like my brother.
00:24:56I'm sorry, honey.
00:24:58But you mind turning around and giving me a look at that rusty butter knife?
00:25:00You're an idiot.
00:25:31You made me stop what I was doing.
00:25:36You made me look in your direction, yeah.
00:25:43Hey, Eddie.
00:25:44How you doing, man?
00:25:45Good, good to see you.
00:25:46Nice to see you.
00:25:47Eddie, Edna.
00:25:49Edna, Eddie.
00:25:50Edna, my pleasure.
00:25:51Ooh, firm handshake.
00:25:52Buddy, she needs the works.
00:25:54What do you think?
00:25:55I mean, give her the works and put your...
00:25:56We don't have to really do much.
00:25:57Just do her hair.
00:25:58Right, right.
00:25:59But I got an amazing hairstylist, my wife.
00:26:01Your wife?
00:26:02She's the best.
00:26:03Yeah, she's amazing.
00:26:04You'll be more than happy.
00:26:06That's wonderful, Eddie.
00:26:08Thank you so much.
00:26:09Sweetie.
00:26:10Come on out, baby.
00:26:11Someone to meet somebody.
00:26:12You snapped.
00:26:13You know what that means.
00:26:14I know, I know.
00:26:15You're excited.
00:26:16Right?
00:26:17Edna, this is James.
00:26:19Edna, James.
00:26:21The best.
00:26:22Welcome to our salon.
00:26:23Only the best.
00:26:24Eddie James, he starts by finish.
00:26:25Always a happy ending.
00:26:26Eddie James.
00:26:29Are we doing anything with him?
00:26:30I'm fine.
00:26:31It's all about her.
00:26:32Yeah, it's her today.
00:26:33Yeah.
00:26:34I...
00:26:35No, no, no.
00:26:36Come on.
00:26:37Come on.
00:26:38Not today.
00:26:39Me not today?
00:26:40You snap and look at him the way you just looked at him?
00:26:42No, it's really about her.
00:26:43Yeah.
00:26:44Which is why I'm having a conversation with my husband.
00:26:49You're flirting.
00:26:50Oh, no, I'm not, babe.
00:26:51You know, you're the one for me.
00:26:55Anyway.
00:26:56I'm sorry.
00:26:57Yes.
00:26:58That's what I need.
00:26:59And enough of that.
00:27:00Sweetheart, listen.
00:27:01Let's get you started.
00:27:02Don't worry about this.
00:27:03That's between him and I.
00:27:04We'll take care of you just fine.
00:27:05You're in good hands.
00:27:06Magic hands.
00:27:07Come with me.
00:27:08Do your magic.
00:27:09You know I do.
00:27:11So, when the husband snaps, I have magic to perform.
00:27:16So, I am going to give you a little...
00:27:19Oh, gosh.
00:27:20I don't know.
00:27:21You know what I'm going to do?
00:27:22I'm going to give you more waves than a Hawaiian surf competition.
00:27:24How does that sound?
00:27:29Steve!
00:27:30What do you think?
00:27:34It's hot.
00:27:35Hot.
00:27:36It is hot, Steve.
00:27:37I mean, look at her.
00:27:38But then look at you.
00:27:41How about I do you next, handsome?
00:27:42Okay.
00:27:43I'm good.
00:27:45Come on, Steve.
00:27:46Come on, Steve.
00:27:47Let James work his magic.
00:27:48I'm good.
00:27:49Steve, I promise I won't hurt you.
00:27:53Unless you want me to.
00:27:55Okay.
00:27:57Is it going to hurt?
00:27:59Oh, don't worry.
00:28:00It's like giving head to a babushka.
00:28:02Okay.
00:28:03One, two, three.
00:28:17She deserves it.
00:28:23Okay.
00:28:24Nice time on the shop with you, pal.
00:28:27Here we go.
00:28:28Okay.
00:28:29So, look, I've got to get back to the office, but listen to me.
00:28:34I'm meeting Molly at the GC Marketplace.
00:28:37We're going to discuss the contracts of your third book, so I want you to get back to the
00:28:42office.
00:28:43Okay.
00:28:44I've got to get back to the office, but listen to me.
00:28:47I'm meeting Molly at the GC Marketplace.
00:28:49We're going to discuss the contracts of your third book, so if you care to join us for
00:28:53a drink, I'm not hitting on you.
00:28:56Right.
00:28:57Eddie, look, I get it.
00:28:58You're ready?
00:28:59You're not hitting on me.
00:29:00I get that.
00:29:01I mean, I must have lost my mind.
00:29:03I mean, you think about it.
00:29:05The situation's a little scary, right?
00:29:07Yeah, you can say that again.
00:29:09Okay, so we talked about this.
00:29:12Embrace it.
00:29:13Maybe see what it's like on the other side.
00:29:15Okay, you're right.
00:29:16You're right.
00:29:17Cool.
00:29:18Enjoy that slinky black dress with the high heels and the funk.
00:30:18Hello.
00:30:19Hi.
00:30:20Are you new here?
00:30:21Yeah.
00:30:22I'm Olney.
00:30:23I've never seen you here before.
00:30:24Do you think you could throw some lotion on my back, please?
00:30:25No.
00:30:26No.
00:30:27No.
00:30:28No.
00:30:29No.
00:30:30No.
00:30:31No.
00:30:32No.
00:30:33No.
00:30:34No.
00:30:35No.
00:30:36No.
00:30:37No.
00:30:38No.
00:30:39No.
00:30:40No.
00:30:41No.
00:30:42No.
00:30:43No.
00:30:44No.
00:30:45No.
00:30:46No.
00:30:48Can you throw some lotion on my back, please?
00:30:49Okay.
00:30:52Rub me really good.
00:30:54I'm not used to running with them.
00:31:15You just get them done?
00:31:21Yeah, you could say that.
00:31:22Well, kudos to your doctor. They look totally natural.
00:31:25Oh, you think so?
00:31:26Yeah, yeah. I mean, I'd have to feel them to know for sure.
00:31:28Excuse me?
00:31:29Yeah, what do you say after working out, we go back to my place, huh?
00:31:33Unbelievable.
00:31:35Come on, babe.
00:31:37I have a penis.
00:31:52Well, so, I end my set, I walk off the stage, and I start looking for this young lady.
00:32:03Well, she's sitting at this bar just like you.
00:32:06And then I walk up holding these panties, and I say, I think these belong to you.
00:32:14And she says, well, actually, she starts laughing, though.
00:32:18She says, actually, they're a gift from my grandmother.
00:32:22So, I have to take another look, and then I realize...
00:32:24They're granny panties.
00:32:26Yeah, big ones.
00:32:29Well, anyway, you got my number, huh?
00:32:31All right, so give me a call.
00:32:32All right, see you, gorgeous.
00:32:34Okay.
00:32:36Wait a minute. Aren't you Frank Stallone?
00:32:38Sure, kid.
00:32:40Who's that guy?
00:32:41Frank Stallone.
00:32:42Frank? I knew it. He doesn't remember me.
00:32:44Yeah, this night, I mean, it was dark, and he was...
00:32:49I'll tell you about it some other time. Back to business, beautiful.
00:32:51Not gonna happen.
00:32:54As in not gonna happen?
00:32:55Ever.
00:32:57As in never?
00:32:58Ever. Ever. Ever.
00:33:03So, I guess that's a no.
00:33:04I'd rather die.
00:33:05Okay.
00:33:07Get to the point next time.
00:33:25Hey.
00:33:26Holy shit!
00:33:28Hi, Molly Morrison.
00:33:30Ed McGreenleaf.
00:33:31Greenleaf?
00:33:33Yeah, I'm Eddie's sister.
00:33:35Oh.
00:33:37It's nice to meet you.
00:33:38Yeah, really nice to meet you.
00:33:40Great, great, great. What the fuck did you do?
00:33:43Well, what happened, sweetheart? You're just a little...
00:33:45I had a little bit of trouble, you know.
00:33:47A little bit?
00:33:48Don't wear makeup much.
00:33:50Nah, it's my first time.
00:33:52I mean, me and Eddie, we're from Amish country.
00:33:55More like clownish country.
00:33:57Again.
00:33:59Interesting.
00:34:00No, hey, look, what is interesting, ladies, is...
00:34:03Hey, don't you care about your age?
00:34:04Mammy.
00:34:05No.
00:34:06Okay, I'm gonna go. What are we doing?
00:34:09You ever heard of Van D...go?
00:34:13He's got no ears.
00:34:15What do you know?
00:34:16How you guys doing?
00:34:18Hey, dreamboat.
00:34:20No, not you, shipwreck.
00:34:22I was talking to...
00:34:35What took you guys so long?
00:34:37Rome, have you got the date?
00:34:38What the fuck does that have to do with anything?
00:34:41Rome, I like that show.
00:34:43Okay.
00:34:44I watch that show.
00:34:45Yeah.
00:34:46Drink? Let me get a drink.
00:34:52Hey, isn't that that chick from the homeless shelter?
00:34:56Jess, I think.
00:34:58Yeah, I think so.
00:35:01Wonder why she's here alone.
00:35:03Who cares?
00:35:05I think I'm gonna go and say hi.
00:35:07Why?
00:35:08To be polite.
00:35:10You? I mean, yeah.
00:35:13Go ahead.
00:35:14Fine, then I'm out of here, okay?
00:35:15Sounds good.
00:35:16Yeah, me too.
00:35:19Wait a minute.
00:35:20How would you like a ride? I think I'm going right here.
00:35:22No.
00:35:24Okay, how about you give me a ride home because I don't have a car.
00:35:28Come on.
00:35:29No.
00:35:31You know, I saw this article today.
00:35:35Hi.
00:35:36Hi.
00:35:37Do you mind if I join you?
00:35:39Do we know each other?
00:35:41Yeah, we met at the homeless shelter.
00:35:43I was looking for that woman who took my ID.
00:35:45Oh, that's right.
00:35:47Your name was, uh, Edna.
00:35:49Yeah.
00:35:50No, Edna.
00:35:52Sure.
00:35:53Have a seat.
00:35:54Thanks.
00:35:55It's Jess, right?
00:35:57Yep.
00:35:58So, are you here alone?
00:36:00Oh, no.
00:36:02All right.
00:36:04Uh, do you want some?
00:36:06Mm-mm.
00:36:07I'm good, thanks.
00:36:08So, did you ever, uh, find that woman you were looking for?
00:36:12No, not yet.
00:36:14You've got the...
00:36:17What?
00:36:18You've got something in your...
00:36:19Oh.
00:36:22Yeah, we'll go on.
00:36:29Can I ask you something?
00:36:30Yeah, sure.
00:36:31Are you hitting on me?
00:36:33I'm sorry?
00:36:34I mean, I'm flattered and all, but, um, I'm straight.
00:36:39Yeah, so am I.
00:36:41Oh.
00:36:42Oh, my gosh.
00:36:43I'm so sorry.
00:36:44It's...
00:36:45It's fine.
00:36:46Don't worry about it.
00:36:47Well, in fact, it's been a while since, um, since anyone hit on me.
00:36:51Really?
00:36:52It's hard to believe.
00:36:55Okay, it's all about confidence.
00:36:58You have to believe you're the most attractive, desirable person in the room.
00:37:02Yeah, that's, uh, about me.
00:37:04Okay, well, there's always liquid confidence.
00:37:09Liquid confidence?
00:37:10Mm-hmm.
00:37:16Oh.
00:37:25Oh.
00:37:32Okay, Jess.
00:37:33You see that guy over there at the bar?
00:37:38I want you to go over there and talk to him.
00:37:44No.
00:37:45No way.
00:37:46Come on.
00:37:47What is the worst that's gonna happen?
00:37:49I'll try to flirt, and...
00:37:51And he'll, like, he'll laugh so hard that he...
00:37:54He falls off his chair and bangs his head, and...
00:37:57And he's a coma.
00:38:00Wow.
00:38:01You've got quite an imagination.
00:38:03I'm just saying, I can't...
00:38:05Come on, Jess.
00:38:07Come on.
00:38:08Oh.
00:38:13You are a smart, confident woman,
00:38:16and that guy, he would be so lucky to date you.
00:38:20I'm a smart, confident woman.
00:38:24Yes.
00:38:25Okay.
00:38:26Okay, wait.
00:38:27Do you need those glasses?
00:38:30Oh, yes, I see.
00:38:31Okay.
00:38:32They're fine.
00:38:34Okay.
00:38:35You look great.
00:38:42Woo!
00:38:47Woo!
00:38:54Hi.
00:38:55Hey.
00:38:58Watching the game?
00:39:00Yeah, I'm watching the game.
00:39:04I'm Jess.
00:39:05Dylan.
00:39:08So, Dylan, do you, um, come here often?
00:39:12Look, I bet you're a really nice person,
00:39:16but I have a girlfriend, and I'm a little bit busy right now,
00:39:19so I'm sorry.
00:39:21I'm... I'm really sorry.
00:39:24The friggin' Dodgers.
00:39:26Biggest payroll in baseball, and they're playing like minor leagues.
00:39:29Tell me about it, I know.
00:39:31Bet you could hit better than Bradley.
00:39:33I know better doing it.
00:39:37Dylan.
00:39:38Edna.
00:39:39Edna, can I buy you a drink?
00:39:40Yeah, sure.
00:39:41What would you like to have?
00:39:42Um, dirty martini.
00:39:45Extra dirty.
00:39:47Uh, Papa, can I get a dirty martini, extra dirty, please?
00:39:53So, Edna, how come I've never seen you before?
00:39:56It's my first time in here.
00:39:57Well, I guess it's my lucky day.
00:39:59I guess it's mine, too.
00:40:01Hey.
00:40:04Can I ask you a question?
00:40:06Sure, shoot.
00:40:08Are you single?
00:40:10Matter of fact, I am.
00:40:12I see.
00:40:17Oh, what the hell?
00:40:19Come on, Jess, we're going.
00:40:20She's a right wanker, anyway.
00:40:29That was awesome.
00:40:31Oh, it really was.
00:40:32You should go down.
00:40:35Down to the ground.
00:40:38You just snorted.
00:40:39Oh, I'm sorry.
00:40:41No.
00:40:43Why are hot guys like that?
00:40:46What do you mean?
00:40:47You know, like, ow!
00:40:50I'm sorry, Jess.
00:40:51Like superficial dirtbags.
00:40:53I know, right?
00:40:55Well, why do you think that is?
00:40:57I don't know.
00:40:59I mean, men, right?
00:41:01Men.
00:41:02Anyway, do you want me to give you a ride back to mine?
00:41:07Jess, are you okay?
00:41:11Are you all right?
00:41:16Look, it's cheese fries.
00:41:20I mean, are you all right?
00:41:22I'm going to take you back to mine.
00:41:36In times like these, I sometimes feel alone.
00:41:39My heart is flesh and blood, not made of stone.
00:41:43You'll never know what's inside of me.
00:41:46But darling, I know what you see.
00:41:49Well, now, I am the biggest fan in town.
00:41:54Still, it's over when I've woken around.
00:41:57I am the biggest, yes, it's true.
00:42:01I am the biggest fan in town.
00:42:07I am the biggest fan in town.
00:42:11Welcome to Adult Warehouse, the paradise for sexually active adults.
00:42:15Um, hi.
00:42:16I was kind of just, you know, wandering outside and thought I'd come and have a look.
00:42:20Don't worry, nothing in here bites.
00:42:22Unless you want it to.
00:42:24Do you have any questions?
00:42:26We're here to serve you.
00:42:27Yeah.
00:42:28Um, do you guys have anything you can recommend if you want to, you know...
00:42:31Get your Amelia Earhart on?
00:42:34I'm sorry?
00:42:35She means Fly Solo?
00:42:36Yeah.
00:42:37Yeah, that.
00:42:38Wonderful.
00:42:39Right this way.
00:42:40Still, it's over when I've woken around.
00:42:44I am the biggest, yes, it's true.
00:42:47This is where you'll find your beaver buzzers, magic wands, pussy plungers, hamburger helpers, and wacky wobblers.
00:42:53Personally, I like the butterfly.
00:42:55It really makes me squirt.
00:42:57And I like the butterfly, too.
00:42:59You can even get one with a butt plug.
00:43:01Makes you wonder why you put up with guys and all their games.
00:43:03It really does.
00:43:05Hey!
00:43:06That blow-up doll's for display purposes only.
00:43:09Yeah, we're talking to you, pal!
00:43:13School principals.
00:43:16Well, have fun.
00:43:19Find us if you have any more questions.
00:43:25Holy shit!
00:43:35I am the biggest, yes, it's true.
00:43:38I am the biggest in town.
00:43:48Need some help?
00:43:49Yeah, thanks.
00:43:52Never been here before.
00:43:53Well, I think they have a policy.
00:43:56You knock it to the floor, you bought it.
00:43:58I guess I'll have to throw a party, then.
00:44:00I'm Matt.
00:44:01Edna.
00:44:02I'm here to find a gag gift for my buddy's bachelor party.
00:44:07Wow, if you're looking to gag someone, I think this might do the trick.
00:44:10Wow, you think they modeled that on someone?
00:44:13Yeah, Seabiscuit.
00:44:17A girl who knows her horses, that's really unusual.
00:44:20Yeah, I'm pretty unusual.
00:44:23Really?
00:44:24Okay, I know this might seem forward and all,
00:44:27but what would you think about meeting me for a cup of coffee sometime?
00:44:31Now, you don't have to decide right now.
00:44:33Here's my card.
00:44:35You get thirsty, you give me a call.
00:44:37Okay.
00:44:39And it doesn't have to be coffee, it could be tea.
00:44:42Whatever you like, it's on me.
00:44:49I think I'm going to fix him up with Jess.
00:44:51Mm-hmm.
00:44:53An investment banker, not bad.
00:44:56He's pretty good looking, too.
00:44:59Okay, is that Eddie or Edna talking?
00:45:01I'm just saying.
00:45:04So, uh, wow.
00:45:06Where'd you meet him?
00:45:08Where?
00:45:10Yeah, where? What is it, a secret?
00:45:12No.
00:45:15So where'd you meet him?
00:45:19At a warehouse.
00:45:21I mean, I had to get out of here before I wore out my nipples.
00:45:24Really? Yeah, I get that.
00:45:25The question is, did you buy anything at...
00:45:28What?
00:45:29I mean...
00:45:30Eddie!
00:45:31I mean, really, I said embrace it, but...
00:45:33I just...
00:45:34This'll kill you.
00:45:36I thought it might be useful for my third book, you know.
00:45:38Third book? Third and final book?
00:45:40What are you doing to yourself here?
00:45:42My God.
00:45:43I mean, you embraced it.
00:45:46Okay, I just got to tell you,
00:45:48this whole thing, I'm not feeling too good about this.
00:45:52Well, I just wanted to test my female parts, you know.
00:45:54I'm out of here, pal.
00:45:55You're on your own now.
00:45:57That's just too much.
00:46:10Don't worry, okay?
00:46:11We'll find a place for you to sleep tonight.
00:46:13Even if you have to come home and stay at mine.
00:46:15Okay?
00:46:16Okay.
00:46:19Edna!
00:46:20Hi!
00:46:21You want to just go wait by the...
00:46:24Just stopping by.
00:46:25I found you a date.
00:46:27You did?
00:46:28Nice looking, successful, good sense of humour.
00:46:31What do you think?
00:46:33I don't know.
00:46:34Oh, come on, Jess.
00:46:35You asked me to introduce you to someone.
00:46:37I know.
00:46:38So, what's the problem?
00:46:40It's just...
00:46:41I don't think I can take any more rejection right now, okay?
00:46:45There are a few things we could do to improve your chances.
00:46:49What do you mean?
00:46:50Do you trust me?
00:46:53Yes.
00:46:55Sweetheart, listen.
00:46:57When I get done with you,
00:46:59you are going to attract more men than pre-menopausal Madonna.
00:47:03Oh, you really think so?
00:47:04I know so.
00:47:06You see these hands?
00:47:07Hey.
00:47:09You know what?
00:47:10I know so.
00:47:11You see these hands?
00:47:12Hey.
00:47:14These are magical hands,
00:47:16and they should be registered with the Magician's Guild of America.
00:47:19Trust me, Jess, he's the best.
00:47:20That's what he said.
00:47:27Okay, here I come.
00:47:34Wow.
00:47:36You've become beautiful, Marge.
00:47:39Don't you mean butterfly?
00:47:41Whatever.
00:47:43Are you sure it's not a little too revealing?
00:47:46No, no.
00:47:47It's the perfect amount of revealing.
00:47:50Now you're ready to become trophy wife.
00:47:53Oh, that's not my goal.
00:47:57All you have to do is be yourself.
00:47:59I mean, there's a lot to like.
00:48:01You think so?
00:48:03More than you know.
00:48:06Can I ask you something?
00:48:07Sure.
00:48:08How come you haven't tried to fix me up with your brother?
00:48:12With Eddie?
00:48:13Mm-hmm.
00:48:17Because I don't know when he's coming back.
00:48:19Where did he go?
00:48:20Eddie went to prison.
00:48:27Shut up.
00:48:31Oh, my gosh.
00:48:33I'm so sorry.
00:48:34It's okay.
00:48:35It must be really hard on your family.
00:48:37Yeah, it is.
00:48:40Can I ask what he did?
00:48:43Eddie's a fraud.
00:48:45I mean, like, he committed a fraud.
00:48:48Wow.
00:48:49Really?
00:49:07What?
00:49:18I was thinking of taking Eddie's place in a fashion show.
00:49:22It's for a good cause, right?
00:49:24No, I was out with Jess.
00:49:26We went and got pedicures.
00:49:29My feet have never looked so good.
00:49:32What?
00:49:33I am not sending you a picture of my feet.
00:49:36Goodbye, Steve.
00:49:40I mean, what's the big deal with this place?
00:49:56Okay, remember.
00:49:57If you and Matt hit it off, just say the code word and I'll make an excuse to leave.
00:50:01Banana.
00:50:02Mm-hmm.
00:50:03All right, later.
00:50:07Hi.
00:50:08Hi.
00:50:09I hope you don't mind.
00:50:10I brought along a friend.
00:50:12This is Jess.
00:50:13This is Matt.
00:50:14Hi.
00:50:15Nice to meet you.
00:50:16Nice to meet you.
00:50:17So, what would you guys like to drink?
00:50:18No, no, no, no.
00:50:19Let me get this.
00:50:20No, no, no.
00:50:21You guys, you guys chat.
00:50:22Get to know each other.
00:50:23I'll go get the drinks.
00:50:24Okay.
00:50:25Cappuccino.
00:50:26Cool.
00:50:36Here you go.
00:50:37Pay at the register.
00:50:41What can I get started for you?
00:50:42Two cappuccinos, please.
00:50:46Here you go.
00:50:48That's for you.
00:50:51You got to get those young ladies used to getting flowers, you know?
00:50:55That's true.
00:50:56That's true.
00:50:57It's not going to be the last time, hopefully.
00:51:00Hopefully not.
00:51:01Can I get your name and your number?
00:51:06What?
00:51:07What do you need my number for?
00:51:08So I can call you later.
00:51:09Okay, look.
00:51:11I'm a dude.
00:51:13You're a dude?
00:51:14Yeah, that's right.
00:51:16You playing hide and banana?
00:51:17Yeah, something like that.
00:51:19You could have just said no thanks.
00:51:22You're a fine-ass dude, though.
00:51:31Oh, thank you.
00:51:32Oh, thank you.
00:51:36Did you know that Matt volunteers at a homeless shelter?
00:51:38No.
00:51:39Yeah, it's no big deal.
00:51:41I was raised by a family who believe in giving back.
00:51:45Actually, he's going to volunteer at my shelter this weekend.
00:51:48Really?
00:51:49Yeah, I figure I'm doing my part no matter which shelter I'm at.
00:51:52Okay.
00:51:53So what shelter do you normally volunteer at?
00:51:56You probably wouldn't know.
00:51:58It's on the other side of town.
00:51:59Actually, I know pretty much every shelter in town.
00:52:03So, come on, give me a try.
00:52:06Uh, okay.
00:52:09Um, well, it's on, um...
00:52:13Edna, did you happen to see if they have any bananas?
00:52:18I'm sorry?
00:52:20You know, bananas.
00:52:22My banana's gone AWOL.
00:52:24What?
00:52:26I mean, they're bananas.
00:52:28They don't have any bananas.
00:52:30Oh.
00:52:32Uh, I'd be happy to split my cupcake with you.
00:52:35Oh, thank you so much.
00:52:37Oh, please.
00:52:39You know, I'm going to really have to go.
00:52:41I've got something really important to take care of.
00:52:43Oh, really?
00:52:44Yeah, but you guys, you guys have fun.
00:52:46Get to know each other.
00:52:48Is that okay with you, Jess?
00:52:50I like that.
00:52:51Great.
00:52:53See ya.
00:52:55Yeah.
00:52:58So, tell me a little about yourself.
00:53:02Well, um, as you know, I...
00:53:04You're jealous.
00:53:05No, I'm not.
00:53:06Bullshit.
00:53:08Look, I'm just a little worried about her.
00:53:10Why? You're the one who set them up, right?
00:53:12I thought it would be different.
00:53:14Different? Well, look, what do you mean?
00:53:15What, like what?
00:53:17Different than us.
00:53:18What?
00:53:20Look, maybe it's my female hormones talking, but...
00:53:22the idea of tricking women to get them into bed, it just seems...
00:53:26wrong.
00:53:27Is there any other way?
00:53:29Besides, you're the one who wrote the how-to manual.
00:53:32I know.
00:53:33Actually, two manuals, the blog, the article...
00:53:35I said I know.
00:53:37Don't cheat.
00:53:38Hey, you're the one who told me I should start looking at stuff from a female's perspective.
00:53:42Damn, I did, didn't I?
00:53:44Um, I'm just starting to realize there's more to life than one night stands.
00:53:47Is there?
00:53:49I mean, haven't you ever thought about being in a relationship?
00:53:53You know, like getting married?
00:53:55No, that's messed up.
00:53:57Is it?
00:53:58I mean, come on, Eddie.
00:54:00Please, you're starting to sound like an old woman, or an old man, or...
00:54:04whatever it is that you are.
00:54:06Okay, maybe you're right.
00:54:07No, I am right.
00:54:09It's just...
00:54:10you know, Jess, she's different to the other girls I've been with.
00:54:14What is that supposed to mean, Eddie?
00:54:15She's kind, she's smart, she's vulnerable.
00:54:18And when she laughs, she does like, you know, this little snort thing.
00:54:21It's really cute.
00:54:23Oh, shit.
00:54:25You've fallen for her.
00:54:26That's crazy.
00:54:27Is it?
00:54:28Hey, we're up next!
00:54:29You know I'm right, yeah?
00:54:31I know you're an idiot.
00:54:32Yeah, I'm an idiot, but you're in love with Jess.
00:54:34You're in love with Jess.
00:54:36You're in love with...
00:54:42You're an idiot.
00:54:43You're an idiot.
00:54:51Hi!
00:54:52I was just actually running a bath.
00:54:54Oh, I can go and come back.
00:54:55Don't be silly, come on in.
00:54:57I can pour you some wine, you can talk while I soak.
00:54:59Oh.
00:55:00Is something wrong?
00:55:02No.
00:55:03Good, so, red or white?
00:55:04Oh, red.
00:55:05Red would be great.
00:55:06There it is.
00:55:08Is this my kitchen?
00:55:09Oh, very nice, I like it.
00:55:10Sorry, it's a little bit of a mess.
00:55:11No, no.
00:55:18Oh, thirsty?
00:55:21Yeah.
00:55:23All right then, follow me.
00:55:30I'll sit right there.
00:55:32I didn't invite you to join me, but...
00:55:38Are you all right, Anna?
00:55:39What?
00:55:41I'm good.
00:55:43Okay.
00:55:48So, you said you wanted to talk?
00:55:50Yeah, yeah, I'm just kind of curious about how things with you and Matt are going.
00:55:54Really well.
00:55:55We've been talking every day on the phone.
00:55:57Oh, so you're going to see him again?
00:55:59Tomorrow, when he volunteers at the shelter.
00:56:01Right.
00:56:03You know, he seems like a great guy.
00:56:05Yeah, I mean, he does seem like a great guy.
00:56:07Yeah, I mean, he does seem that way, doesn't he?
00:56:10Plus, he is so dreamy.
00:56:12Okay, Jess, promise me you'll be careful, okay?
00:56:15What do you mean?
00:56:17I just don't know Matt that well.
00:56:19And sometimes, guys, they can be snakes.
00:56:22You're so sweet.
00:56:24Yeah, I'll know a lot of things.
00:56:26So, how come you didn't go after Matt yourself?
00:56:30He's not really my type.
00:56:32No?
00:56:33Nah.
00:56:34Plus, I can't have him around someone else.
00:56:38Oh, is it that guy you came by the shelter with?
00:56:41Steve?
00:56:42Yeah.
00:56:43No.
00:56:44He wishes.
00:56:45Nah, not him.
00:56:47Someone who doesn't really know how I feel about him.
00:56:50Then why don't you just go for it?
00:56:54Edna?
00:56:56Um, I can't.
00:56:58Come on.
00:57:00You're a smart, confident woman.
00:57:01Any guy would be lucky to date you.
00:57:03Touche.
00:57:19So, I said, how about a little notice?
00:57:22What a concept.
00:57:23I know, right?
00:57:32I noticed you came out from LeBron and Anderson.
00:57:35Yeah.
00:57:36Do you know Matt Flannery?
00:57:37I work for him.
00:57:38You do?
00:57:39Yeah, why?
00:57:40I met him the other day, and he asked me out.
00:57:44He asked you out?
00:57:45Yeah.
00:57:46I don't think so, honey.
00:57:47What do you mean?
00:57:49Matt's happily married.
00:57:50With three kids.
00:57:52And you know the guy was married.
00:57:54He talked to his secretary.
00:57:56Damn, you're good.
00:57:57Yeah?
00:57:58And Matt's a scumbag.
00:58:00Huh.
00:58:01What?
00:58:03Come on, you've got to give the guy some props, right?
00:58:05That's quite the scan he pulled off.
00:58:07I'd like to give him something, but it ain't props.
00:58:09Oh, you know what?
00:58:10Old Eddie would have been impressed.
00:58:12Yeah, well, new Eddie would like to kick old Eddie's ass.
00:58:14Yeah, well, I'd prefer that.
00:58:15Yeah, well, I'd prefer that.
00:58:16Yeah, well, I'd prefer that.
00:58:17Yeah, well, I'd prefer that.
00:58:18Yeah, well, I'd prefer that.
00:58:19Yeah, well, I'd prefer that.
00:58:20Yeah, well, I'd put my money on old Eddie
00:58:22because new Eddie seems a little gay.
00:58:25You're an idiot.
00:58:27I know.
00:58:33This is complicated.
00:58:51Oh, Edna!
00:58:52Hi!
00:58:53Jess, you made it!
00:58:54Thanks for inviting me.
00:58:56To the backstage pass?
00:58:57Sure.
00:58:59Did you come alone?
00:59:01Yeah, I invited Matt, but he had to go out of town for work.
00:59:04Really?
00:59:05Yeah.
00:59:06Okay, you're all set.
00:59:07You should report to the staging area.
00:59:08Okay, thanks.
00:59:09Edna, I have to tell you, Matt is such a good guy.
00:59:12After we got down to the shelter, he took me for a ride on his motorcycle.
00:59:16And then, after dinner, we stopped by a boat for a nightcap.
00:59:18He has a boat?
00:59:19Well, actually, Matt says it's called a sloop because it has three masts.
00:59:23That's good.
00:59:24Well, I wouldn't know that.
00:59:25I have this rule, no sex until the third date.
00:59:27But I will say he's a very good kisser.
00:59:30Okay, listen, I need to tell you something, Jess.
00:59:32What is it?
00:59:34Okay, how do I put this?
00:59:35Just say it.
00:59:37Matt is, um...
00:59:39Yeah?
00:59:40Married.
00:59:42You're wrong.
00:59:43I spoke to his secretary.
00:59:45Why are you doing this?
00:59:46To protect you, Jess.
00:59:47You deserve to be with someone who really cares about you.
00:59:50Not someone who's running a scam.
00:59:52I knew it, you're a lesbian.
00:59:53What?
00:59:54No, I'm not a lesbian.
00:59:56I'm just a man trapped in a woman's body.
00:59:58What?
01:00:00Look, I know this is going to sound crazy, but the thing is...
01:00:03I ran into a homeless woman the other day.
01:00:05She asked me to kiss her.
01:00:07Said it would prove that I could see the beauty in all women.
01:00:10I refused.
01:00:11The next day, I wake up.
01:00:12I am no longer Eddie.
01:00:13I am Edna.
01:00:14And so, I need to find her, because all I can figure is...
01:00:16You know, she's put some kind of spell on me.
01:00:19And so, once I find her, she can change me back into being Eddie.
01:00:24Come on, say something.
01:00:26I don't ever want to see you again.
01:00:29What?
01:00:30Don't call me.
01:00:31Don't text me.
01:00:32Don't just stop by and see me.
01:00:34You're a sick, sick person.
01:00:36Just leave me alone.
01:00:38Jess, come back.
01:00:40I don't want to see you again.
01:00:41Just leave me alone.
01:00:43Jess, come back.
01:01:11I don't want to see you again.
01:01:28The thing is...
01:01:29Ever since the show, I haven't been able to control my emotions.
01:01:32Like, someone cuts me off, I bawl my eyes out.
01:01:36Ketchup spills on my shirt, I bawl my eyes out.
01:01:39That's messed up.
01:01:41I'd rather be a little bit emotional than a cold, heartless bastard like you.
01:01:46Ouch!
01:01:47Oh, shit.
01:01:49Look, I'm sorry.
01:01:50That's alright.
01:01:52I was born out of wedlock.
01:01:54I mean, I know I've been hurting over Jess, but this...
01:01:57This feels like more than that.
01:01:59Hey, maybe it's your female hormones.
01:02:02Yeah, maybe.
01:02:03Well, hey, look.
01:02:04It's still early.
01:02:05What do you say we go out and hit a club or something?
01:02:07Well, I'm an emotional wreck.
01:02:08How self-centred can you be, Steve?
01:02:11I mean, what?
01:02:13I mean, shit, wait.
01:02:15I think we're fucking already or something.
01:02:30Shit, I did it again.
01:02:33I really have a problem.
01:02:35Yeah?
01:02:36Well?
01:02:38My best friend just turned into a really hot chick,
01:02:41and every night I've been having sex dreams about him.
01:02:44What?
01:02:45Her.
01:02:46See?
01:02:47You're not the only one with problems here, pal.
01:02:49I'm sorry.
01:02:50I didn't know.
01:02:51Yeah, well, I'm not too proud of that one.
01:02:53Fine.
01:02:56Oh, come on, Nanny.
01:02:57Let's just change the subject.
01:02:59Yeah.
01:03:00Pass me the controls.
01:03:01Maybe there's a game on or something.
01:03:08You know what?
01:03:09What?
01:03:10Let's do it.
01:03:11Do what?
01:03:13Like, let's do it.
01:03:17Are you fucking serious?
01:03:18Yes, I'm fucking serious.
01:03:20I mean, I should really take my female equipment out on a test drive.
01:03:24And who better to lose my virginity to than my best friend?
01:03:27Because I can drive!
01:03:29I can drive.
01:03:30And you are serious.
01:03:31You're serious.
01:03:32I'm as serious as pink on a pregnancy test.
01:03:34Okay, that's great!
01:03:36That is great!
01:03:37That is so sweet!
01:03:39Don't be fucking with me, because you're fucking with me.
01:03:41No, I'm being serious.
01:03:43I'm going to go and freshen up.
01:03:44Afterwards, me and you are going to do the nasty.
01:03:48I love the nasty.
01:03:51I love the nasty.
01:03:53Wait a minute, you do have a vagina, right?
01:03:55Yes.
01:03:56Good.
01:03:57Important.
01:03:58For the old in and out-y.
01:04:08Fuck.
01:04:13Okay, um, you like, make yourself comfortable.
01:04:18I'll be right back.
01:04:38Okay.
01:04:51What's wrong?
01:04:55Are you okay?
01:05:00Oh, what the fuck?
01:05:02What did you do?
01:05:04I think I'm dying!
01:05:05You're so much funnier!
01:05:07Call 911!
01:05:12Hey, hey, excuse me.
01:05:14Thanks for the tampon.
01:05:25Well, that was embarrassing.
01:05:27Yes.
01:05:28Yes, it was.
01:05:30Um, thanks for the, uh...
01:05:32No problem.
01:05:33No problem.
01:05:34No problem.
01:05:36Okay.
01:05:38Okay.
01:05:41So you know that thing that we were going to do?
01:05:43Don't worry about that.
01:05:44Do not worry about that.
01:05:46I will not be having any more of those kind of dreams.
01:05:49Right.
01:05:51I'm, uh...
01:05:53I'm totally cured.
01:05:55I get it.
01:05:57Yeah.
01:05:58I tell you what, I should get going.
01:06:00I've got to get back to the office.
01:06:01I've got to...
01:06:02Yeah, okay.
01:06:03I love...
01:06:04I love...
01:06:05I'll...
01:06:06I'll talk to you later.
01:06:08See you later, Steve.
01:06:09I'm good.
01:06:10I'll see you.
01:06:15Wait, do I have something on my face?
01:06:17I'll see you later.
01:06:24Look.
01:06:25How many times do I have to tell you
01:06:26I don't do full frontal?
01:06:29What?
01:06:30How much does it pay?
01:06:31Oh, yeah.
01:06:32Wait.
01:06:33Call me back.
01:06:34Can I help you?
01:06:35Yeah, I'll have a small latte and, uh...
01:06:38Let me get whatever the young lady here would like.
01:06:39No, thanks.
01:06:41I insist.
01:06:42I'm trying to live my life by paying it forward.
01:06:44Okay, that's great and all,
01:06:45but I'd rather just pay for my own drink.
01:06:47Come on, babe.
01:06:48Really make my day.
01:06:50Okay, look.
01:06:51I know what you're doing.
01:06:52I used to be just like you.
01:06:54So trust me,
01:06:55when I say scamming women to get them into bed
01:06:56is a shallow, meaningless way to live,
01:06:59at the end of the day,
01:07:00it's love that really matters.
01:07:02Uh-huh.
01:07:03You go, girl.
01:07:05I'll be damned.
01:07:08Dude.
01:07:09You just dodged a bullet.
01:07:11Chick is hiding a banana.
01:07:13She's got...
01:07:15balls.
01:07:33Wow.
01:07:34I know, right?
01:07:36It's a little different to your first two books.
01:07:38Well, I mean,
01:07:39I'm a little different.
01:07:40True.
01:07:42True.
01:07:43So, what do you think?
01:07:45I don't know, Eddie.
01:07:46I don't know.
01:07:47I mean,
01:07:48all this stuff about intimacy,
01:07:49respect, romance.
01:07:51I mean, come on.
01:07:52You really think sex is better
01:07:53between two people who are in love?
01:07:55I don't know, Eddie.
01:07:56I don't know.
01:07:57I mean,
01:07:58all this stuff about intimacy,
01:07:59respect, romance.
01:08:00I mean, come on.
01:08:01You really think sex is better
01:08:02between two people who are in love?
01:08:03Yeah.
01:08:04I do.
01:08:08Love is the answer, pal.
01:08:13Your ass is the answer, Eddie.
01:08:15Enough.
01:08:16Gotta go to sleep.
01:08:32Hey!
01:08:34You don't respect elders, do you?
01:08:38Fuck off.
01:09:02See ya.
01:09:05Oh!
01:09:06Shit!
01:09:07Shit!
01:09:08Shit!
01:09:09Ha ha ha!
01:09:10Shit!
01:09:11Shit!
01:09:12Shit!
01:09:13Oh!
01:09:14Oh!
01:09:15Oh!
01:09:16Yeah!
01:09:17Fuck!
01:09:18Yeah!
01:09:19Yes!
01:09:20Phone!
01:09:21Phone!
01:09:22Phone!
01:09:23Come on.
01:09:28Steve!
01:09:29It's Eddie!
01:09:30It's Eddie!
01:09:31I'm back, man!
01:09:32I'm back!
01:09:33Fuck yes!
01:09:55I think you have a chance at seven.
01:09:56I think you're weird.
01:09:57I'm gonna be late.
01:09:58Next!
01:09:59Bye.
01:10:01Hi.
01:10:02Hi.
01:10:04Can I just say you are the perfect man?
01:10:07Well, that's very kind of you, but I am far from perfect.
01:10:11I don't know.
01:10:12You understand and respect women.
01:10:14Plus, you're so damn handsome.
01:10:17That's very kind of you.
01:10:18Thank you very much.
01:10:20I appreciate that.
01:10:21I do.
01:10:26Steve Burns.
01:10:27I'm his agent.
01:10:28I always introduce myself.
01:10:29Next!
01:10:32Hi.
01:10:33Hi.
01:10:34How are you?
01:10:36Yeah, you liked it?
01:10:37That was good.
01:10:38There he is.
01:10:39Hey, pal.
01:10:40Hi, buddy.
01:10:41Hey, listen.
01:10:42We gotta get going here.
01:10:43We got a dinner reservation tonight to celebrate our six-month anniversary, actually.
01:10:47Six months already?
01:10:48Yeah.
01:10:49Wow, congrats.
01:10:51Are you sure you won't let me set you up with my roommate?
01:10:53Yeah, no, no.
01:10:55I really think you did it all.
01:10:58I appreciate the offer, but no.
01:11:01All right.
01:11:02If you change your mind, let us know.
01:11:03Will do.
01:11:04Okay.
01:11:05If you change your mind.
01:11:06If I change my mind.
01:11:07Have fun tonight.
01:11:08See you, pal.
01:11:09See ya.
01:11:12Take a look at me.
01:11:17Eddie.
01:11:19Jess.
01:11:21Hi.
01:11:22Hi.
01:11:24Wow, you look amazing.
01:11:26Oh, thanks.
01:11:30So, um...
01:11:33Read your book?
01:11:34You did?
01:11:35Uh-huh.
01:11:37I really liked it.
01:11:38I'm glad.
01:11:41You dedicated it to me.
01:11:42Yeah.
01:11:44Well, you know, you played a big role in helping me change.
01:11:48Yeah, about that.
01:11:51So, you and Edna...
01:11:54One and the same.
01:11:57Wow.
01:11:58Crazy, huh?
01:12:00Yes.
01:12:02And no.
01:12:04You know, I've got an idea.
01:12:07Why don't we start this thing all over?
01:12:12Hello.
01:12:13I'm Eddie Greenleaf.
01:12:14Jess White.
01:12:15Jess White.
01:12:16Wow.
01:12:18So, have you seen anyone?
01:12:20No.
01:12:21Not since I discovered the last guy I was getting was married.
01:12:24I'm sorry to hear that.
01:12:25Yeah.
01:12:26A friend tried to warn me, but I wouldn't listen.
01:12:28In fact, I was really mean to her.
01:12:31You know, I think she forgives you.
01:12:36So, how about you?
01:12:37Are you seeing anyone?
01:12:40Actually, I kind of fell in love for the first time in my life last year.
01:12:47You did?
01:12:48Yeah.
01:12:49The timing, though, just wasn't right, unfortunately.
01:12:53Well, maybe you should give it another shot.
01:12:57I was just thinking exactly the same thing.
01:13:01So, can I buy you a latte?
01:13:03I'd really like that.
01:13:04Yeah?
01:13:05Yeah.
01:13:06Well, let's get out of here, then.
01:13:07Okay.
01:13:23Second six, D.
01:13:25Mark.
01:13:28You had the book signing?
01:13:29Mm-hmm.
01:13:30The release party?
01:13:31Yeah.
01:13:32Sex with a homeless model?
01:13:33Okay.
01:13:34Fucking homeless model.
01:13:35That's the girl I want to fuck, right?
01:13:36The homeless girl I want to fuck.
01:13:37All right, Tony, take it all in, bud.
01:13:41I love the homeless kind of look.
01:13:43It's just, you know.
01:13:44The book signing?
01:13:45Yeah.
01:13:46Sex with a homeless model?
01:13:47Yeah.
01:13:48The release party?
01:13:49Yeah.
01:13:50Fucking homeless model.
01:13:51The release party?
01:13:52Yeah.
01:13:53Sex with a homeless model?
01:13:54Ah, for fuck's sake.
01:13:55That homeless woman is in my head.
01:13:56Buddy, let me tell you something.
01:13:57I'm starving, okay, Eddie?
01:13:58This may be harder than I thought.
01:14:01Okay, we might have to go back to one guy.
01:14:06Knock, knock.
01:14:16This is where you'll find your beaver buzzers, magic wands, pussy plungers, hamburger helpers,
01:14:20and wacky wobblers.
01:14:21Personally, I like the butterfly.
01:14:25Fuck.
01:14:48This stuff is good.
01:14:49Not bad, right?
01:14:50Yeah, what is it?
01:14:51Dos sellos.
01:14:53Dos cielos.
01:14:54This stuff's good, what is it?
01:14:55Dos sellos.
01:14:57Cielos.
01:14:58This stuff is good.
01:14:59And what is it?
01:15:02Want some, Tony?
01:15:10The thing is...
01:15:12Ah, for fuck's sake.
01:15:14Yes, I'm fucking serious.
01:15:16I mean, I really should take my female equipment out with...
01:15:19What am I doing?
01:15:22Hey, excuse me.
01:15:24Thanks for the car.
01:15:25No, the car, no.
01:15:42Eddie!
01:15:43Don't fucking Eddie, fuck!
01:15:47Make yourself comfortable and I'll...
01:15:50be right back.
01:16:03She must have put a spell on me.
01:16:05That's the only thing that makes sense.
01:16:08Okay.
01:16:09So, we're looking for this magical...
01:16:12mystery kind of homeless woman, right?
01:16:14I mean, I don't know, I guess so.
01:16:17Okay.
01:16:19Maybe she was a witch.
01:16:20A witch.
01:16:21Did you say it yet? Because the gig's up.
01:16:24Can I ask you a question?
01:16:27Sorry.
01:16:37Sorry.
01:16:41I'm not here.
01:17:07Forget this romance, darling
01:17:10Ooh, baby
01:17:16This is our chance
01:17:19Ooh, are you open-hearted?
01:17:26Take a look at us
01:17:32Darling
01:17:37Yes, I'd turn away
01:17:41If I may be so brazen
01:17:44Ooh, hold me
01:17:50This could be love
01:17:53Ooh, you are so amazing
01:18:01Kiss me
01:18:08Love me
01:18:15In this magic moment
01:18:21Say you'll never stray
01:18:26Never go away
01:18:31Take a look at me
01:18:38Sweetheart
01:18:43Let me love you
01:18:47We're standing in the fire
01:18:51Ooh, tell me
01:18:56How far we'll go
01:19:00Ooh, let's take our love higher
01:19:06Higher
01:19:36Ooh, let's take our love higher
01:19:41Higher
01:20:36Take a look at me