A Sex Trip English Movie
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00When I was 10, my family moved to America.
00:00:25Shortly thereafter, I learned a valuable lesson about love.
00:00:28Hey new kid, wanna play a card game called 52 pick up?
00:00:37Pick it up, dick for brains.
00:00:49She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.
00:00:52I felt instantly a manly love.
00:01:04Then she broke my heart.
00:01:07I vowed never to let love hurt me again.
00:01:10Today, I am a master of love.
00:01:14Your book, 52 pick up, is basically a how to guide for men to pick up women, is it not?
00:01:19It is, yeah.
00:01:21And you claim that your book will help men pick up a different woman every week for a
00:01:28year?
00:01:29Yeah, it's really that simple.
00:01:31All they have to do is follow my three simple rules of engagement.
00:01:34That is trigger her interest, play indifferent, and go for the kill.
00:01:41Are you aware how degrading that is to women?
00:01:44I mean some could say it reduces us to mere objects who could be easily tricked into bed.
00:01:49I mean how would you respond to such allegations?
00:01:51How do I respond?
00:01:55Guilty as charged.
00:01:58Bang, bang, bang.
00:02:01It goes on and on.
00:02:05Clank, clank, clank.
00:02:08Hear that firing sound.
00:02:13Are you feeling nervous?
00:02:16Hey, where the hell are you?
00:02:34Oh, what the hell is that?
00:02:37That's, that's not, oh no, no.
00:02:42What the hell?
00:02:58Hey, what's up, Ruben?
00:03:00Hey, what's, whoa, take it easy, brother.
00:03:02It's all right, dude, we're just men here.
00:03:04All right.
00:03:05Do a good job, though.
00:03:06You're early, aren't you?
00:03:07You got it, bro.
00:03:14Is it going good?
00:03:18Here you go.
00:03:19If you want it.
00:03:21Yeah, enjoy it.
00:03:22Next in line.
00:03:23It's so good to meet you.
00:03:26Well, thank you for coming.
00:03:29Dude, you've changed my life.
00:03:32That's the whole point.
00:03:33I used to live in my parents' basement and only sing ice cream at dinner.
00:03:38I used to live in my parents' basement, and the only thing I scored was my Xbox.
00:03:44But now, I'm scoring with my ladies.
00:03:49That's right. Go get her.
00:03:54Oh, shit.
00:03:57Hi.
00:03:58Hi.
00:03:59I can't believe it's really you.
00:04:00It's really me.
00:04:01I owe you so much.
00:04:03Your book has helped me overcome this.
00:04:07Tiny penis?
00:04:08What? No.
00:04:10I'm talking about my lack of style.
00:04:13I meant your tiny lack of style.
00:04:15I don't know why I said penis.
00:04:17That's exactly why.
00:04:18I don't know why I said penis.
00:04:19You're an asshole.
00:04:20I'm sorry.
00:04:21I'm sure you're packing.
00:04:23Babies aren't holding an apple.
00:04:25Yeah.
00:04:26What are you doing?
00:04:27I don't know.
00:04:28It just came out.
00:04:29It's just...
00:04:30Hi.
00:04:34Quite a collection of losers today, huh?
00:04:36Worse than usual.
00:04:37Yeah.
00:04:38Okay.
00:04:39Those losers are the reason you live in a million-dollar house and wear custom-made suits.
00:04:42It's okay.
00:04:43I still love them, though.
00:04:44Hence the term, lovable loser.
00:04:46Yeah.
00:04:47And hey, hey.
00:04:48You know what?
00:04:49You should show the man a little more respect here.
00:04:50Okay?
00:04:51He's making your company a lot of green.
00:04:52And you know what?
00:04:53We haven't signed the contract for that third book yet, so...
00:04:55Don't touch me.
00:04:56It's okay, Steve.
00:04:57Polly here has a right to her opinion.
00:04:59Okay.
00:05:00It's Molly.
00:05:01But Steve is right.
00:05:03I was out of line.
00:05:04It won't happen again.
00:05:05It's all good.
00:05:06Bye.
00:05:07It's all good, Molly.
00:05:08We sold over a hundred copies.
00:05:10That's great, Nana.
00:05:12Yeah, those losers really eat this shit up.
00:05:17Here.
00:05:18I wrote my number in it.
00:05:19If you want to get with a real woman, give me a call.
00:05:26What the...
00:05:27Oh, don't even think about it.
00:05:30Man.
00:05:33Oh, hey, hey.
00:05:34Listen, I almost forgot.
00:05:35They asked me if you want to participate in this charity fashion show.
00:05:38Really?
00:05:39Yeah.
00:05:40For how much you pay?
00:05:41No, that's for charity.
00:05:42But all the models are going to be celebs.
00:05:44Oh, interesting.
00:05:45Yeah, yeah.
00:05:46There's going to be some big names there.
00:05:47You know what?
00:05:48Might allow me to broaden my fishing pond.
00:05:51And you've got quite the pull, huh?
00:05:54Dude.
00:05:55I know.
00:05:56That was...
00:05:57I know.
00:05:58Yeah, we won't...
00:05:59Don't worry.
00:06:00All right, all right.
00:06:01I'll get it the second it came out of my mouth.
00:06:02Okay.
00:06:03Hey, wait a minute.
00:06:05Hey, don't forget about this police boy.
00:06:07Huh?
00:06:08Don't forget him.
00:06:09You're an asshole.
00:06:11Asshole.
00:06:12You hear that?
00:06:14Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:06:15Hey, get out of here.
00:06:16Fancy car.
00:06:17Oh, Jesus.
00:06:34Hey, everybody.
00:06:47Let's go.
00:06:57Edison Greenleaf.
00:07:00What?
00:07:02Hello.
00:07:03Hello.
00:07:04Do I know you?
00:07:05How do you know my name?
00:07:07Does that really matter?
00:07:10Well, of course, in the jackets of my book.
00:07:12Okay.
00:07:14Look, Eddie.
00:07:15I'm here to ask you something.
00:07:18Yeah, you see, I don't really carry cash.
00:07:21I don't want your money!
00:07:23What do you want?
00:07:24You don't really respect women, do you?
00:07:28I'm sorry, what?
00:07:30Did Steve Burns put you up to this? Where is he?
00:07:32Women are nothing but notches on your bedposts!
00:07:36Yeah, my bedposts. In fact, I don't even have bedposts on my bed, so...
00:07:41That's a metaphor, Eddie.
00:07:43A metaphor... Oh, I get it. I'm being punked, aren't I?
00:07:48This is brilliant! Where are they?
00:07:50All right, you can come out now. Where's the film crew?
00:07:52There's no film crew, Eddie!
00:07:55All right, I'm tired of this. No more games, okay?
00:07:59You gave me what I'm here for.
00:08:01And what are you here for?
00:08:03Kiss me!
00:08:04Jeez, I don't think that's gonna happen.
00:08:06Prove to me that you can see the beauty in all women, the beauty beneath the surface.
00:08:11Kiss me!
00:08:12All right, no offence, you crazy old bat, but run or my dick drops off, all right?
00:08:17What a punk!
00:08:18Shoot yourself!
00:08:20Go!
00:08:39Yeah, so, Molly, listen, I...
00:08:42Too close.
00:08:43Okay.
00:08:44Are you doing that thing kids do when they like each other?
00:08:47No.
00:08:48Well, okay, then. How about we talk business?
00:08:50Maybe a few strawberry daiquiris, discuss that third contract. What do you say?
00:08:53Maybe... Oh, God!
00:09:00And then, two of my eight cats, they got in this really big fight.
00:09:03It was just horrible.
00:09:04I ended up having to take Mr. Muggles to the vet, and then we had to put him down.
00:09:08I'm really happy for you.
00:09:11I thought soon mothers were all required to be anorexic, but you look just so goddamn healthy.
00:09:17Wait, are you saying that I look fat?
00:09:20No, no, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying you look really healthy.
00:09:24Oh, my God. Shouldn't you be eating this toffee cheese, man?
00:09:28Don't be so hard on yourself, you know? You're only human. Humans are flawed.
00:09:32Wait, I still have flaws?
00:09:35No, I'm saying that I think you're gorgeous, but just don't worry about what anybody else thinks about you.
00:09:40Wait, you think people are talking about me?
00:09:42Well, you know what these bitches are like.
00:09:52What are you thinking about?
00:09:54I'm getting out of here soon. It's getting a little, um, a little toxic, I think.
00:09:58Tell me about it.
00:10:00Hey, um, would you like to come back to my place? It's, like, five minutes away.
00:10:05Really? Oh, I mean, we start in the morning, huh?
00:10:10Mm, please.
00:10:12Wow.
00:10:14I promise to make it worth your while.
00:10:18That'd be a sis, don't you think?
00:10:21Let's get out of here quick.
00:10:31Ah!
00:10:33Ah!
00:10:35Ah!
00:10:37Ah!
00:10:39Ah!
00:11:00Ah!
00:11:09Wow.
00:11:31What the fuck?
00:11:38Oh, my God.
00:11:40It can't be.
00:11:46I was dreaming.
00:11:56Ah!
00:12:01Ah!
00:12:09Where are you going?
00:12:12Ah! Ah!
00:12:20Oh, come on, come on.
00:12:31Hello?
00:12:34Steve, you need to get to my place right away.
00:12:37Who is this?
00:12:39It's Eddie, dumbass.
00:12:41Really? Who is this?
00:12:43Um, you just need to get to Eddie's place as soon as you can.
00:12:47Why?
00:12:49Because he wants you to join us in his threesome.
00:12:52Really?
00:12:54He's never asked me that before.
00:12:57Are you in or what?
00:12:59I'm in, I'm in, I'm in!
00:13:01I'm in.
00:13:30Oh.
00:13:34Oh.
00:13:42Oh.
00:13:44About time.
00:13:48What?
00:13:50What?
00:13:52Ha, ha, ha.
00:13:54Wow.
00:13:56Look at you.
00:13:58Your stud service has arrived.
00:14:01Huh? I studied Goju-kai karate.
00:14:03Ha!
00:14:04Kiai.
00:14:05By the way.
00:14:07Yeah.
00:14:08Um, so, where is he?
00:14:10Where's Eddie?
00:14:11Funny thing about that.
00:14:13Eddie?
00:14:15You back here?
00:14:17So, where is he?
00:14:18It's me, Steve, Eddie.
00:14:20Oh, ha, ha, ha.
00:14:21Okay, yeah.
00:14:23Eddie, you back here?
00:14:25Uh, he's standing right in front of you.
00:14:27Okay, I get it.
00:14:29You're hot.
00:14:30I don't know what's going on here,
00:14:32but if you don't tell me where Eddie is,
00:14:34I'm going to have to call the cops.
00:14:36Okay, listen to me, Steve.
00:14:37I really don't know what happened.
00:14:39Last night I fell asleep, and when I woke up,
00:14:42I was this.
00:14:44Have it your way.
00:14:47Beth Macdonald.
00:14:52What was that?
00:14:53Your crush in middle school.
00:14:55Beth Macdonald, the one that got away.
00:14:57Okay, Eddie's the only one who knows that.
00:14:59See?
00:15:00All that proves is that he told you about her.
00:15:02Okay, how about Jessica Levine?
00:15:05You lost your virginity to her in 10th grade
00:15:07and cried like a little baby.
00:15:09That's because she bit my dick!
00:15:13Wait a minute.
00:15:14Okay, what's go...
00:15:15Did he tell you my whole life story?
00:15:17Steve, it's me, Eddie.
00:15:20Stuck inside a chick's body.
00:15:23Come on.
00:15:26Okay, fine.
00:15:28If you're ready, tell me this.
00:15:29Two years ago, we took a trip to Vegas.
00:15:31We got really drunk with some strippers,
00:15:33and they dared us to do something really disgusting.
00:15:36The next day, we swore, we swore
00:15:39we would never talk about it again.
00:15:41Really?
00:15:42Yeah.
00:15:43Really, Steve?
00:15:44You want to make me say this out loud?
00:15:46Hey, if you're Eddie,
00:15:49well, you'd know all about it.
00:15:52Okay, we gave each other handjobs.
00:15:54Uh, excuse me, what was that?
00:15:59We gave each other handjobs.
00:16:02Are you happy?
00:16:03What?
00:16:04Eddie?
00:16:06Can I just take it to my mouth?
00:16:08Wait a minute.
00:16:09Wait a minute, Eddie.
00:16:10This is impossible.
00:16:11I mean, how...
00:16:12How did this happen?
00:16:15I don't know.
00:16:17Like I said, I fell asleep at Alexis' last night
00:16:19after banging her up and down,
00:16:21and when I woke up, I was a chick.
00:16:29Well, at least you're hot.
00:16:32Shut the fuck up.
00:16:34Wait, you think I'm hot?
00:16:36Hell, yeah, I do.
00:16:37So you would have sex with me,
00:16:39knowing it's me, Eddie, inside this body?
00:16:42Hey, if the Vegas, what have I got to lose?
00:16:44Good point.
00:16:47Good point.
00:16:48Right, so if you don't mind,
00:16:50can I see the whole package, maybe?
00:16:52What?
00:16:53You know, minus the clothes.
00:16:54I am not taking my clothes off for you.
00:16:56Okay, fine, be that way.
00:16:57I have to say, my breasts are really perky.
00:17:06Steve!
00:17:12Steve!
00:17:15I'm a first man.
00:17:18Okay.
00:17:19I said, we need to figure out what happened to me.
00:17:21Okay.
00:17:23Jesus.
00:17:29Okay, let's figure this out.
00:17:32Let's think about the last 24 hours, yeah?
00:17:34You had the book signing.
00:17:36Yeah.
00:17:37You had the release party.
00:17:39You had sex with the supermodel.
00:17:40Nothing unusual.
00:17:41Okay, then.
00:17:42Wait.
00:17:43What?
00:17:44The homeless woman.
00:17:45You had sex with a homeless woman?
00:17:46No, dumbass.
00:17:48I was outside the building before the party,
00:17:50and this homeless woman came up to me.
00:17:52She knew my name,
00:17:53said I didn't respect women,
00:17:55didn't see their inner beauty,
00:17:56some shit like that.
00:17:58Then she asked me to kiss her.
00:18:00Wow, how was that?
00:18:02That's the thing.
00:18:03I mean, I blew her off.
00:18:05She was fucking hideous.
00:18:09I would have fucked her.
00:18:12Twice.
00:18:14She must have put a spell on me.
00:18:16That's the only thing that makes sense.
00:18:18Okay.
00:18:19Okay, so we are looking for a homeless woman
00:18:23with magical powers.
00:18:25I mean, I don't know.
00:18:26I guess so.
00:18:27Maybe she was a witch.
00:18:28A witch.
00:18:29Did she have a broom?
00:18:30No.
00:18:31Okay.
00:18:32But she did have a really big walking stick.
00:18:36Her magic wand.
00:18:37Yeah, her magic wand, yeah.
00:18:39Right, well, with all these magical powers,
00:18:41why was she still so ugly?
00:18:43What?
00:18:44I mean, the first thing you do is make yourself hot, right?
00:18:46What's that got to do with anything?
00:18:48Wait a minute, no.
00:18:49Because if she was hot,
00:18:50it would have been easy for you to kiss her.
00:18:52My God, this lady is slick.
00:18:53I've got to tell you, if she was here,
00:18:54I'd give her some props.
00:18:55You're an idiot.
00:18:58That's it.
00:18:59What?
00:19:00We have to find her.
00:19:01I mean, if she turned me into a chick,
00:19:03then she can turn me back again.
00:19:05Wait a minute.
00:19:06Listen to me.
00:19:07You know how hard it's going to be
00:19:08to find a homeless woman in the city
00:19:09by trying to find a virgin in a whorehouse?
00:19:11Okay, listen to me, Steve.
00:19:12We either find her,
00:19:13or I'm stuck as a chick for I don't know how long.
00:19:16Maybe forever.
00:19:17Doesn't worry me, because you're kind of hot.
00:19:19Dude, me and you, not going to happen.
00:19:25Not until I slip you a few mickeys.
00:19:27I still say if she had magic powers,
00:19:29she'd use them not to be homeless.
00:19:31Or maybe searching for her in homeless shelters
00:19:33is part of the test.
00:19:34Yeah, but not the fun part.
00:19:39Can I help you?
00:19:41Yeah, hi, we're trying to find a homeless woman.
00:19:43This is a homeless shelter.
00:19:45We have about 40 of them.
00:19:46She's really old.
00:19:47There's about 30 of them.
00:19:49She's really ugly.
00:19:51Look, this is really important.
00:19:54You see, I think she took something of mine.
00:19:58So let me get this straight.
00:20:00Some poor, old, homeless woman
00:20:03who's probably been living in a whorehouse
00:20:05Some poor, old, homeless woman
00:20:08who's probably struggling to survive
00:20:10took something from you?
00:20:12Yeah.
00:20:14So what do you want me to do?
00:20:16Make our clients line up so you can pick her out?
00:20:18Oh my God, that would be so great.
00:20:22Have you ever heard of sarcasm skippy?
00:20:27That shit ain't happening.
00:20:29Well, can we at least have a look around?
00:20:31No, you can't be looking around in here.
00:20:33Okay, what do you expect us to do?
00:20:35What I expect you to do
00:20:37is to take your skinny, sorry asses
00:20:39and get up out of here before I...
00:20:41What's going on here?
00:20:45These two claim that a homeless woman
00:20:47stole from them.
00:20:49And they want us to line up our clients
00:20:51like a bunch of criminals so they can pick her out.
00:20:53Well, that's not exactly true.
00:20:55Hi, I'm Jeff White.
00:20:57I'm the manager.
00:20:58Hi, I'm Ed.
00:21:00No, Greenleaf.
00:21:02Why don't you tell me what's going on here?
00:21:04Okay, the other night I ran into this homeless woman on the street.
00:21:07Yeah, she was really ugly.
00:21:09Anyway, I think she might have taken something of mine.
00:21:12I see.
00:21:14Yeah.
00:21:15And what would that be, if you don't mind my asking?
00:21:20It was...
00:21:21Her identity.
00:21:24She took your identity?
00:21:26Oh, it's kind of hard to explain.
00:21:29You mean your ID?
00:21:31That's right, her ID.
00:21:33Oh, well, I guess I can see why you'd want that back.
00:21:35Yeah, no, right?
00:21:36So, can you describe her for me?
00:21:38Yeah, she's about 80 years old.
00:21:41She has this wild grey hair and this really big crooked nose.
00:21:44Tell her about the walking stick.
00:21:45Oh, yeah, she had this massive wooden walking stick.
00:21:48Yeah, like a magic wand.
00:21:50Like a magic wand?
00:21:52Mm-hmm.
00:21:53What a plain Jane, huh?
00:21:54I know.
00:21:55You should have asked her out.
00:21:56What? She was a five at best.
00:21:57Yeah, but together you'd make a ten.
00:21:59Oh, you're an asshole.
00:22:01Five shelters and no sign of her.
00:22:03Buddy, I've got to tell you, I'm starving.
00:22:05You know what I'm saying?
00:22:06This may be harder than I thought.
00:22:11Look, uh, maybe we should eat something.
00:22:13Maybe get a little Thai food, maybe?
00:22:15What?
00:22:16Some Thai food, man.
00:22:17I'm starving.
00:22:18Come on.
00:22:19Sure, whatever.
00:22:21Okay.
00:22:23Okay.
00:22:26Look, listen to me.
00:22:27We will find this homeless woman.
00:22:29This witch.
00:22:30Whatever it is you think she is, we will find her.
00:22:32Yeah, but what do I do until then?
00:22:34I'm a chick, Steve.
00:22:40Well, you know what?
00:22:42Embrace it.
00:22:43Embrace it?
00:22:44Yes, Eddie.
00:22:45Embrace it.
00:22:47I mean, come on, man, think about it.
00:22:49A chance for you to see what it's like on the other side.
00:22:52Right?
00:22:53Embrace that.
00:22:58And, hey, maybe a good time to do a little research for your third book.
00:23:05Yeah.
00:23:06There you go.
00:23:08I'm starving.
00:23:09I'm going to eat.
00:23:24Good morning.
00:23:25How can I help you?
00:23:26Hey, guys.
00:23:27Ma'am.
00:23:28Look, we're here to get my sister here.
00:23:30Some chip cleanse.
00:23:31She needs a little of everything.
00:23:34Fabulous.
00:23:35You've come to the right place.
00:23:37What's her size?
00:23:38Slightly too regular.
00:23:41Just kidding.
00:23:43I'm a size two.
00:23:45Yeah, sure.
00:23:46Great.
00:23:47Okay.
00:23:48So, uh, you guys are from Russia, right?
00:23:58Da.
00:23:59Moscow.
00:24:00Da.
00:24:01Cool.
00:24:02In Russia, it's so cold, we pray global warming.
00:24:07Hell no.
00:24:09Well, something wrong.
00:24:11Yeah, this is a nice store.
00:24:13Wrong size?
00:24:15You tell me.
00:24:18Holy shit.
00:24:21This is a good fit.
00:24:23So, it's supposed to feel like someone's cutting you in half with a rusty butter knife?
00:24:26Yeah, pretty much.
00:24:28I mean, I have to admit, I do like how this just makes the goods.
00:24:33Fuck you.
00:24:34Like better chipmunks.
00:24:37Steve, what do you think?
00:24:39Marry me.
00:24:40Oh, shut the fuck up.
00:24:42No, I'm serious.
00:24:43Marry me, because you and I, we make a great couple.
00:24:45What happens when I go through the change?
00:24:47I'm not giving you any more hand jobs.
00:24:49She's really not my sister.
00:24:52Americans.
00:24:53No, no, no.
00:24:54She's actually a little more like my brother.
00:24:56I'm sorry, honey.
00:24:58But do you mind turning around and giving me a look at that rusty butter knife?
00:25:01You're an idiot.
00:25:02Okay.
00:25:03Okay.
00:25:17Wow.
00:25:43Hey, Eddie.
00:25:44Hey.
00:25:45How you doing, man?
00:25:46See you, Eddie, Edna, Edna, Eddie.
00:25:50Edna, my pleasure.
00:25:51Ooh, firm handshake.
00:25:52Buddy, she needs the works.
00:25:54What do you think?
00:25:55I mean, give her the works and put your-
00:25:56We don't have to really do much, just do her hair.
00:25:58Right, right.
00:25:59Right?
00:26:00Yeah.
00:26:01But I got an amazing hairstylist, my wife.
00:26:02Your wife?
00:26:03She's the best.
00:26:04Yeah, she's amazing.
00:26:05You'll be more than happy.
00:26:06That's wonderful.
00:26:08Thank you so much.
00:26:09Sweetie.
00:26:09Hi, son.
00:26:10Come on out, baby.
00:26:11Someone to meet somebody.
00:26:12You snapped.
00:26:13Do you know what that means?
00:26:14I know, I know.
00:26:15You're excited.
00:26:16Right?
00:26:17Edna, this is James.
00:26:20Edna, James.
00:26:21The best.
00:26:22Welcome to our salon.
00:26:23Only the best.
00:26:24Eddie James, he starts by finish.
00:26:25Always a happy ending.
00:26:27Look.
00:26:28Eddie James.
00:26:28Are we doing anything with him?
00:26:30I'm fine.
00:26:31It's all about her.
00:26:32Yeah, it's her today.
00:26:33Yeah.
00:26:36No, no, no.
00:26:37Come on.
00:26:37Come on.
00:26:38Not today.
00:26:39Me not today?
00:26:40You snap and look at him the way you just looked at him?
00:26:42No, it's really about her.
00:26:44Yeah.
00:26:45Which is why I'm having a conversation with my husband.
00:26:50You're flirting.
00:26:51Oh, no, I'm not, babe.
00:26:52You know, you're the one for me.
00:26:56Anyway.
00:26:57I'm sorry.
00:26:58Yes, that's what I need.
00:26:59And enough of that.
00:27:00Sweetheart, listen.
00:27:01Let's get you started.
00:27:02Don't worry about this.
00:27:03That's between him and I.
00:27:04We'll take care of you just fine.
00:27:05You're in good hands, magic hands.
00:27:06Come with me.
00:27:08Do your magic.
00:27:09You know I do.
00:27:11So, when the husband snaps, I have magic to perform.
00:27:17So, I am gonna give you a little,
00:27:20oh, gosh, I don't know.
00:27:21You know what I'm gonna do?
00:27:22I'm gonna give you more waves
00:27:23than a Hawaiian surf competition.
00:27:24How does that sound?
00:27:30Steve!
00:27:31What do you think?
00:27:34It's hot.
00:27:35Hot.
00:27:36It is hot, Steve.
00:27:38I mean, look at her.
00:27:39But then look at you.
00:27:41How about I do you next, handsome?
00:27:43Okay.
00:27:44I'm good.
00:27:46Come on, Steve.
00:27:47Come on, Steve.
00:27:47Let James work his magic.
00:27:49I'm good.
00:27:50Steve, I promise I won't hurt you.
00:27:54Unless you want me to.
00:27:55Okay.
00:27:58Is it gonna hurt?
00:27:59Oh, don't worry.
00:28:00It's like giving hair to a babushka.
00:28:03Okay.
00:28:04One, two, three.
00:28:08Yeah!
00:28:16Wow.
00:28:18She deserves it.
00:28:38Last time I'm shopping with you, pal.
00:28:41Here we go.
00:28:45So, look, I gotta get back to the office,
00:28:46but listen to me.
00:28:47I'm meeting Molly at the GC Marketplace.
00:28:50We're gonna discuss the contracts of your third book.
00:28:52So, if you care to join us for a drink?
00:28:56I'm not hitting on you.
00:28:57Right.
00:28:58Eddie, look, I get it.
00:29:00You ready?
00:29:00You're not hitting on me.
00:29:01I get that.
00:29:02I mean, I must've lost my mind.
00:29:04I mean, you think about it.
00:29:06The situation's a little scary, right?
00:29:08Yeah, you can say that again.
00:29:09Okay, so, we talked about this.
00:29:12Embrace it.
00:29:14Maybe see what it's like on the other side.
00:29:16I think you're right.
00:29:16You're right.
00:29:17And maybe wear that slinky black dress
00:29:19with the high heels and the funk.
00:29:21Yeah.
00:29:21Yeah.
00:29:22Yeah.
00:29:23Yeah.
00:29:24Yeah.
00:29:25Yeah.
00:29:26Yeah.
00:29:26Yeah.
00:29:27Yeah.
00:29:28Yeah.
00:29:29Yeah.
00:29:30Yeah.
00:29:31Yeah.
00:29:31Yeah.
00:29:32Yeah.
00:29:33Yeah.
00:29:34Yeah.
00:29:35Yeah.
00:29:36Yeah.
00:29:37Yeah.
00:29:39Oh, yeah, yeah!
00:30:35Hello.
00:30:37Hi.
00:30:38Are you new here?
00:30:40Yeah, I'm Oni.
00:30:44I've never seen you here before.
00:30:47Do you think you could throw some lotion on my back, please?
00:30:48Okay.
00:30:52Rub me really good.
00:31:05Okay.
00:31:15Problem with the machine?
00:31:17No, problem with these.
00:31:19I'm not used to running with them.
00:31:20You just get them done?
00:31:22Yeah, you could say that.
00:31:24Well, kudos to your doctor. They look totally natural.
00:31:26Oh, you think so?
00:31:27Yeah, yeah. I mean, I'd have to feel them to know for sure.
00:31:30Excuse me?
00:31:31Yeah, what do you say after working out, we go back to my place, huh?
00:31:35Unbelievable.
00:31:37Come on, babe.
00:31:39I have a penis.
00:31:58Well, so.
00:31:59I end my set, I walk off the stage, and I start looking for this young lady.
00:32:04Well, she's sitting at this bar just like you.
00:32:08And then I walk up holding these panties, and I say,
00:32:12I think these belong to you.
00:32:15And she says, well, actually.
00:32:17She starts laughing, though.
00:32:18She says, actually, they're a gift from my grandmother.
00:32:22So I have to take another look, and then I realize.
00:32:25They're granny panties.
00:32:26Yeah, big ones.
00:32:30Well, anyway, you got my number, huh?
00:32:32All right, so give me a call.
00:32:33I see, gorgeous.
00:32:34Okay.
00:32:36Wait a minute. Aren't you Frank Stallone?
00:32:38Sure, kid.
00:32:40Who's that guy?
00:32:41Frank Stallone.
00:32:42Right, I knew it. He doesn't remember me.
00:32:44We had this night, and he was dark, and he was, uh.
00:32:49I'll tell you about it some other time. Back to business, beautiful.
00:32:51Not gonna happen.
00:32:54As in not gonna happen?
00:32:55Ever.
00:32:57As in never?
00:32:58Ever. Ever. Ever.
00:33:03So I guess that's a no.
00:33:04I'd rather die.
00:33:05Okay.
00:33:07Get to the point next time.
00:33:26Holy shit!
00:33:28Hi, uh, Molly Morrison.
00:33:29Edna Greenleaf.
00:33:31Greenleaf?
00:33:33Yeah, I'm Eddie's sister.
00:33:35Oh.
00:33:37It's nice to meet you.
00:33:38Yeah, really nice to meet you.
00:33:40Jeez, great, great, great. What the fuck did you do?
00:33:44What happened, sweetheart? You just a little...
00:33:46I had a little bit of trouble, you know.
00:33:47A little bit?
00:33:49Don't wear makeup much.
00:33:50Nah, it's my first time.
00:33:53I mean, me and Eddie, we're from Amish country.
00:33:56More like clownish country.
00:33:58Again.
00:34:00Interesting.
00:34:01Hey, look, what is interesting, ladies...
00:34:03Hey, don't you care about your hair?
00:34:04No, no, no.
00:34:05Okay, I'm gonna go.
00:34:06What are we doing?
00:34:09You ever heard of Van...
00:34:11De...
00:34:12Go...
00:34:14He's got no ears!
00:34:15What do you know?
00:34:16How you guys doing?
00:34:18Hey, dreamboat.
00:34:20No, not you, shipwreck.
00:34:22I was talking to...
00:34:29Hey.
00:34:31Hey.
00:34:35What took you guys so long?
00:34:37We're almost about to date.
00:34:38What the fuck does that have to do with anything?
00:34:41Rome, I like that show.
00:34:43Okay.
00:34:44I watch that show.
00:34:45Yeah.
00:34:46Drink? Let me get a drink.
00:34:52Hey!
00:34:53Isn't that that chick from the homeless shelter?
00:34:56Jessamine.
00:34:57Yeah, I think so.
00:35:01Wonder why she's here alone.
00:35:03Who cares?
00:35:05I think I'm gonna go and say hi.
00:35:06Why?
00:35:08To be polite.
00:35:10You?
00:35:11I mean, yeah.
00:35:13Go ahead.
00:35:14Fine, then I'm out of here, okay?
00:35:15Sounds good.
00:35:16Yeah, me too.
00:35:19Wait a minute.
00:35:20How would you like a ride?
00:35:21I think I'm going right here.
00:35:22No.
00:35:24Okay, how about you give me a ride home because...
00:35:27I don't have a car.
00:35:29No.
00:35:31You know, I saw this article today.
00:35:35Hi.
00:35:36Hi.
00:35:37Do you mind if I join you?
00:35:39Do we know each other?
00:35:40Yeah, we met at the homeless shelter.
00:35:42I was looking for that woman who took my ID.
00:35:45Oh, that's right.
00:35:46Your name was...
00:35:48Edna.
00:35:49Yeah.
00:35:50Edna.
00:35:51Sure.
00:35:52Have a seat.
00:35:53Thanks.
00:35:55It's Jess, right?
00:35:56Yep.
00:35:57So are you here alone?
00:36:00Oh.
00:36:01No.
00:36:02All right.
00:36:04Do you want some?
00:36:05Mm-mm.
00:36:06I'm good, thanks.
00:36:08So did you ever find that woman you were looking for?
00:36:11No, not yet.
00:36:13You've got the...
00:36:16What?
00:36:17You've got something in your...
00:36:18Oh.
00:36:22We'll go on.
00:36:23Can I ask you something?
00:36:24Yeah, sure.
00:36:26Are you hitting on me?
00:36:28I'm sorry.
00:36:29I mean, I'm flattered and all, but I'm straight.
00:36:35Yeah, so am I.
00:36:37Oh.
00:36:38Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry.
00:36:39It's...
00:36:41It's fine.
00:36:42Don't worry about it.
00:36:43Well, in fact, it's been a while since anyone hit on me.
00:36:46Really?
00:36:47Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry.
00:36:48It's...
00:36:49It's fine.
00:36:50Don't worry about it.
00:36:52Really?
00:36:53That is hard to believe.
00:36:56Okay, it's all about confidence.
00:36:59You have to believe you're the most attractive, desirable person in the room.
00:37:02Yeah, that's...
00:37:03That me.
00:37:05Okay, well...
00:37:06There's always liquid confidence.
00:37:10Liquid confidence?
00:37:11Mm-hmm.
00:37:17Oh.
00:37:22Oh.
00:37:33Okay, Jess.
00:37:34You see that guy over there at the bar?
00:37:39I want you to go over there and talk to him.
00:37:44No.
00:37:45No way.
00:37:46Come on.
00:37:47What is the worst that's going to happen?
00:37:49I'll try to flirt and...
00:37:51And he'll...
00:37:52He'll laugh so hard that he...
00:37:54He falls off his chair and bangs his head and...
00:37:58And he's a coma.
00:38:00Wow.
00:38:01You've got quite an imagination.
00:38:04I'm just saying, I can't...
00:38:06Come on, Jess.
00:38:07Come on.
00:38:13You are a smart, confident woman.
00:38:17And that guy, he would be so lucky to date you.
00:38:21I'm a smart, confident woman.
00:38:25Yes.
00:38:26Okay.
00:38:27Okay, wait.
00:38:28Do you need those glasses?
00:38:31Oh, yes, I see.
00:38:32Okay.
00:38:33They're fine.
00:38:35Okay.
00:38:36You look great.
00:38:43Woo!
00:38:47Woo!
00:38:54Hi.
00:38:55Hey.
00:38:58Watching the game?
00:39:00Yeah, I'm watching the game.
00:39:04I'm Jess.
00:39:05Dylan.
00:39:08So, Dylan, do you come here often?
00:39:12Look, I bet you're a really nice person.
00:39:16But I have a girlfriend and I'm a little bit busy right now, so I'm sorry.
00:39:21I'm...
00:39:22I'm really sorry.
00:39:24The friggin' Dodgers.
00:39:26Biggest payroll in baseball and they're playing like minor leaguers.
00:39:29Tell me about it, I know.
00:39:31Bet you could hit better than Bradley.
00:39:33I know better doing it.
00:39:37Dylan.
00:39:38Edna.
00:39:39Edna, can I buy you a drink?
00:39:40Yeah, sure.
00:39:42What would you like to have?
00:39:43Um, dirty martini.
00:39:46Extra dirty.
00:39:48Uh, Papa, can I get a dirty martini, extra dirty, please?
00:39:54So, Edna, how come I've never seen you before?
00:39:57It's my first time in here.
00:39:58Well, I guess it's my lucky day.
00:40:00I guess it's mine, too.
00:40:01Hey.
00:40:05Can I ask you a question?
00:40:07Sure, shoot.
00:40:09Are you single?
00:40:11Matter of fact, I am.
00:40:12I see.
00:40:17Oh, what the hell?
00:40:19Come on, Jess, we're going.
00:40:20She's a right wanker, anyway.
00:40:30That was awesome.
00:40:31Oh, it really was.
00:40:32You should go down.
00:40:36Down to the ground.
00:40:38You just snorted.
00:40:40Oh, I'm sorry.
00:40:41No.
00:40:43Why are hot guys like that?
00:40:46What do you mean?
00:40:47You know, like, ow!
00:40:49What?
00:40:50I'm sorry, Jess.
00:40:51Like superficial dirtbags.
00:40:53I know, right?
00:40:55Well, why do you think that is?
00:40:57I, I don't know.
00:40:59I mean, men, right?
00:41:01Men.
00:41:02Anyway, do you want me to give you a ride back to mine?
00:41:06Jess, are you okay?
00:41:09Are you all right?
00:41:15Look, it's cheese fries.
00:41:18I mean, are you all right?
00:41:21I'm going to take you back to mine.
00:41:23Back to mine.
00:41:54Welcome to Adult Warehouse, the paradise for sexually active adults.
00:42:16Um, hi.
00:42:17I was kind of just, you know, wandering outside and thought I'd come and have a look.
00:42:21Don't worry, nothing in here bites.
00:42:23Me too.
00:42:24Red one.
00:42:25Do you have any questions?
00:42:26We're here to serve you.
00:42:27Yes.
00:42:28Um, do you guys have anything you can recommend if you want to, you know, get your Amelia Earhart on?
00:42:34I'm sorry?
00:42:35She means fly solo?
00:42:37Yes.
00:42:38Yeah, that.
00:42:39Wonderful.
00:42:40Right this way.
00:42:42This is where you'll find your beaver buzzers, magic wands, pussy plungers, hamburger helpers, and wacky wobblers.
00:42:54Personally, I like the butterfly.
00:42:56It really makes me squirt.
00:42:58And I like the butterfly too.
00:43:00You can even get one with a butt plug.
00:43:02Makes you wonder why you put up with guys and all their games.
00:43:04It really does.
00:43:05Hey!
00:43:07That blow up doll is for display purposes only.
00:43:09Yeah, we're talking to you, pal.
00:43:13School principals.
00:43:16Well, have fun.
00:43:19Find us if you have any more questions.
00:43:25Holy shit.
00:43:35I am the biggest, yes, in the whole world.
00:43:38I am the biggest in this town.
00:43:48Need some help?
00:43:49Yeah, thanks.
00:43:52Never been here before.
00:43:53Well, I think they have a policy.
00:43:56You knock it to the floor, you bought it.
00:43:58I guess I'll have to throw a party then.
00:44:00I'm Matt.
00:44:01Edna.
00:44:03I'm here to find a gag gift for my buddy's bachelor party.
00:44:07Wow, if you're looking to gag someone,
00:44:09I think this might do the trick.
00:44:11Wow, you think they model that on someone?
00:44:13Yeah, Seabiscuit.
00:44:17Wow, a girl who knows her horses.
00:44:19That's really unusual.
00:44:21Yeah, I'm pretty unusual.
00:44:23Really?
00:44:25Okay, I know this might seem forward and all,
00:44:27but what would you think about meeting me for a cup of coffee sometime?
00:44:30Now, you don't have to decide right now.
00:44:32Here's my card.
00:44:34You get thirsty, you give me a call.
00:44:36Okay.
00:44:38And it doesn't have to be coffee, it could be tea.
00:44:41Whatever you like. It's on me.
00:44:48I think I'm going to fix him up with Jess.
00:44:50Mm-hmm.
00:44:52An investment banker.
00:44:54Not bad.
00:44:55He's pretty good looking, too.
00:44:58Okay, is that Eddie or Edna talking?
00:45:00I'm just saying.
00:45:03So, uh, wow.
00:45:05Where'd you meet him?
00:45:07Where?
00:45:09Yeah, where? What, is it a secret?
00:45:11No.
00:45:14So, where'd you meet him?
00:45:18At a warehouse.
00:45:20I mean, I had to get out of here before I wore out my nipples.
00:45:23Really? Yeah, I get that. The question is,
00:45:25did you buy anything at...
00:45:27What?
00:45:29I mean... Eddie!
00:45:31I mean, really, I said embrace it, but...
00:45:33I just... This'll kill you.
00:45:35I thought it might be useful for my third book, you know.
00:45:37Third book? Third and final book?
00:45:39What are you doing to yourself here?
00:45:41My God. I mean...
00:45:43You embraced it.
00:45:45Okay.
00:45:47I just got to tell you, this whole thing,
00:45:49I'm not feeling too good about this.
00:45:51Well, I just wanted to test my female part.
00:45:54I'm out of here, pal.
00:45:56You're on your own now.
00:45:58That's just too much.
00:46:10Don't worry, okay?
00:46:12We'll find a place for you to sleep tonight.
00:46:14Even if you have to come home and stay at mine.
00:46:16Okay?
00:46:18Okay.
00:46:20Edna! Hi!
00:46:22Do you want me to go over there?
00:46:24Just stopping by to find you a date.
00:46:26You did?
00:46:28Nice looking, successful,
00:46:30good sense of humour.
00:46:32What do you think?
00:46:34I don't know.
00:46:36Oh, come on, Jess. You asked me to introduce you to someone.
00:46:38I know.
00:46:40So, what's the problem?
00:46:42It's just, I don't think I can take any more rejection right now, okay?
00:46:45There are a few things we could do
00:46:47to improve your chances.
00:46:49What do you mean?
00:46:51Do you trust me?
00:46:53Yes.
00:46:55Sweetheart, listen.
00:46:57When I get done with you,
00:46:59you are going to attract
00:47:01more men than pre-menopausal Madonna.
00:47:03Oh, you really think so?
00:47:05I know so.
00:47:07You see these hands?
00:47:09They're going to attract more men
00:47:11than pre-menopausal Madonna.
00:47:13These are magical hands
00:47:15and they should be registered
00:47:17with the Magician's Guild of America.
00:47:19Trust me, Jess. He's the best.
00:47:21That's what he said.
00:47:27Okay, here I come.
00:47:34Wow.
00:47:36You've become beautiful, Maude.
00:47:38Thank you, Butterfly.
00:47:40Oh, whatever.
00:47:43Are you sure it's not a little too revealing?
00:47:45No, no.
00:47:47It's the perfect amount of revealing.
00:47:49Now you're ready
00:47:51to become Tarot's new wife.
00:47:53Oh, that's not my goal.
00:47:55All you have to do
00:47:57is be yourself.
00:47:59I mean, that's a lot to like.
00:48:01You think so?
00:48:03More than you know.
00:48:05Can I ask you something?
00:48:07Sure.
00:48:09How come you haven't tried
00:48:11to fix me up with your brother?
00:48:13With Eddie?
00:48:15Um...
00:48:17Because I don't know when he's coming back.
00:48:19Where did he go?
00:48:21Eddie went to prison.
00:48:27Shut up.
00:48:31Oh, my gosh.
00:48:33I'm so sorry.
00:48:35It's okay.
00:48:37It must be really hard on your family.
00:48:40Can I ask what he did?
00:48:44Eddie's a fraud.
00:48:46I mean, like, he committed a fraud.
00:48:48Wow.
00:48:50Really?
00:49:10I was thinking of
00:49:12taking Eddie's place
00:49:14in a fashion show.
00:49:16It's for a good cause, right?
00:49:18No, I was out with Jess.
00:49:20We went and got pedicures.
00:49:22My feet have never looked
00:49:24so good.
00:49:26What?
00:49:28I am not sending you
00:49:30a picture of my feet.
00:49:32Goodbye, Steve.
00:49:34Bye.
00:49:36Bye.
00:49:38Steve.
00:49:40I mean,
00:49:42what's the big deal with this place?
00:49:56Okay, remember,
00:49:58if you and Matt hit it off,
00:50:00just say the code word
00:50:02and I'll make an excuse to leave.
00:50:04Banana.
00:50:07Hi.
00:50:09Hi.
00:50:11I hope you don't mind.
00:50:13I brought along a friend.
00:50:15This is Jess.
00:50:17This is Matt.
00:50:19Hi. Nice to meet you.
00:50:21Nice to meet you.
00:50:23So, what would you guys like to drink?
00:50:25No, no, no.
00:50:27Let me get this.
00:50:29No, no, no.
00:50:31You guys chat.
00:50:33Get to know each other.
00:50:35Here you go.
00:50:37Pay at the register.
00:50:41What can I get started for you?
00:50:43Two cappuccinos, please.
00:50:45Here you go.
00:50:47That's for you.
00:50:51You got to get those
00:50:53young ladies used to getting flowers.
00:50:55That's true.
00:50:57It's not going to be the last time,
00:50:59hopefully.
00:51:01Can I get your name
00:51:04and your number?
00:51:06What?
00:51:08What do you need my number for?
00:51:10So I can call you later.
00:51:12Okay, look. I'm a dude.
00:51:14You're a dude?
00:51:16Yeah, that's right.
00:51:18You playing hide and banana?
00:51:20Yeah, something like that.
00:51:22You could have just said no thanks.
00:51:24You're a fine-ass dude, though.
00:51:26Oh, thank you.
00:51:30Did you know that Matt volunteers
00:51:32at a homeless shelter?
00:51:34No.
00:51:36Yeah, it's no big deal.
00:51:38I was raised by a family
00:51:40who believe in giving back.
00:51:42Actually, he's going to volunteer
00:51:44at my shelter this weekend.
00:51:46Really?
00:51:48Yeah, I figure I'm doing my part
00:51:50no matter which shelter I'm at.
00:51:52Okay, so what shelter
00:51:55do you normally volunteer at?
00:51:57Uh, you probably wouldn't know.
00:51:59It's on the other side of town.
00:52:01Actually, I know pretty much
00:52:03every shelter in town.
00:52:05Come on, give me a try.
00:52:07Uh, okay.
00:52:09Um, well,
00:52:11it's, uh,
00:52:13it's on, um...
00:52:15Edna, did you happen to see
00:52:17if they have any bananas?
00:52:19I'm sorry?
00:52:21You know, bananas.
00:52:23Bananas on AWOL.
00:52:25What?
00:52:29I mean, they're bananas.
00:52:31They don't have any bananas.
00:52:33Oh.
00:52:35I'd be happy to split my
00:52:37cupcake with you.
00:52:39Oh, thank you so much.
00:52:41You know, I'm going to really have to go.
00:52:43I've got something really important to take care of.
00:52:45Oh, really?
00:52:47Yeah, but you guys, you guys have fun.
00:52:49Get to know each other.
00:52:51I like that.
00:52:53Great.
00:52:55See ya.
00:52:59So,
00:53:01tell me a little about yourself.
00:53:03Well, um, as you know, I...
00:53:05You're jealous.
00:53:07No, I'm not.
00:53:09Bullshit.
00:53:11Look, I'm just a little worried about her.
00:53:13Why? You're the one who set her up, right?
00:53:15I thought it would be different.
00:53:17Different? What do you mean?
00:53:19Look, maybe it's my female
00:53:21hormones talking, but
00:53:23the idea of tricking women to get them into bed,
00:53:25it just seems
00:53:27wrong. Is there any other way?
00:53:29Besides, you're the
00:53:31one who wrote the how-to manual. I know.
00:53:33Actually, two manuals. The blog,
00:53:35the article... I said I know.
00:53:37Touchy. Hey, you're the one who told me
00:53:39I should start looking at stuff from a female's
00:53:41perspective.
00:53:43Damn, I did, didn't I?
00:53:45I'm just starting to realize there's more to life than one night stands.
00:53:47Is there?
00:53:49I mean, haven't you ever
00:53:51thought about being in a relationship?
00:53:53You know, like getting married?
00:53:55No, that's messed up.
00:53:57Is it? I mean, come on,
00:53:59Eddie. Please, you're starting to
00:54:01sound like an old woman or an old man
00:54:03or whatever it is that you are.
00:54:05Okay, maybe you're
00:54:07right. No, I am right.
00:54:09It's just, you know,
00:54:11Jess, she's different to the other girls I've
00:54:13been with.
00:54:15What is that supposed to mean, Eddie?
00:54:17She's kind, she's smart, she's vulnerable.
00:54:19And when she laughs, she does this
00:54:21little snort thing.
00:54:23It's really cute.
00:54:25Oh, shit. You've fallen for her.
00:54:27That's crazy. Is it?
00:54:29Hey, we're up next!
00:54:31You know I'm right, yeah? I know you're an idiot.
00:54:33Yeah, I'm an idiot, but you're in love with Jess.
00:54:35You're in love with Jess.
00:54:37You're in love with...
00:54:39Hey!
00:54:43You're an idiot.
00:54:51Hi! I was just
00:54:53actually running a bath. Oh, I
00:54:55can go and come back. Don't be silly, come on in.
00:54:57I can pour you some wine. You can talk while I soak.
00:54:59Oh. Is something
00:55:01wrong?
00:55:03Good. So, red or white? Oh, red.
00:55:05Red would be great. It is.
00:55:07Is this my kitchen?
00:55:09Oh, very nice. I like it.
00:55:11Sorry, it's a little bit of a mess. No, no.
00:55:19Oh.
00:55:21Thirsty?
00:55:23Yeah.
00:55:25All right, then. Follow me.
00:55:31I want to sit right there.
00:55:33I didn't invite you to
00:55:35join me, but...
00:55:39Are you all right, Emma?
00:55:41What?
00:55:43I'm good.
00:55:45Okay.
00:55:51So, you said you wanted to talk?
00:55:53Yeah, yeah. I'm just kind of curious
00:55:55about how things with you and Matt are going.
00:55:57Really well. We've been talking every day
00:55:59on the phone. Oh, so you're going to see him again?
00:56:01Tomorrow, when he volunteers at the shelter.
00:56:03Right.
00:56:05You know, he seems like a great guy.
00:56:07Yeah, I mean, he does
00:56:09seem that way, doesn't he?
00:56:11Plus, he is so dreamy.
00:56:13Okay, Jess.
00:56:15Promise me you'll be careful, okay?
00:56:17What do you mean?
00:56:19I just don't know Matt well.
00:56:21And sometimes, guys, they can be snakes.
00:56:23You're so sweet.
00:56:25Yeah. I'll know a lot of things.
00:56:27So,
00:56:29how come you didn't go after Matt yourself?
00:56:31He's not really my type.
00:56:33No? Nah.
00:56:35Plus, I can't have him around
00:56:37someone else.
00:56:39Oh, is he that guy you came by the shelter with?
00:56:41Steve? Yeah.
00:56:43No. He wishes.
00:56:45Nah, not him.
00:56:47Someone who doesn't really know
00:56:49how I feel about him.
00:56:51Then why don't you just go for it?
00:56:55Emma!
00:56:57I can't.
00:56:59Come on.
00:57:01You're a smart, confident woman.
00:57:03Any guy would be lucky to date you.
00:57:05Touche.
00:57:21So I said, how about a little notice?
00:57:23What a concept.
00:57:25I know, right?
00:57:29Come on.
00:57:33I noticed you came out
00:57:35from LeBron and Anderson.
00:57:37Yeah? Do you know Matt Flannery?
00:57:39I work for him. You do?
00:57:41Yeah, why? I met him the other day
00:57:43and he asked me out.
00:57:45He asked you out?
00:57:47Yeah. I don't think so, honey.
00:57:49What do you mean? Matt's happily married.
00:57:51With three kids.
00:57:59And you know the guy was married.
00:58:01He talked to his secretary.
00:58:03Damn, you're good.
00:58:05Yeah? And Matt's a scumbag.
00:58:07Huh.
00:58:09What?
00:58:11Come on, you gotta give the guy some props, right?
00:58:13That's quite the scan he pulled off.
00:58:15I'd like to give him something, but it ain't props.
00:58:17Oh, you know what? Old Eddie would have been impressed.
00:58:19Yeah, well, new Eddie would like to kick old Eddie's ass.
00:58:21Yeah, well, I put my money on old Eddie
00:58:23because new Eddie seems a little gay.
00:58:25You're an idiot.
00:58:27I know.
00:58:33This is complicated.
00:58:51Oh, Emma!
00:58:53Jess, you made it!
00:58:55Thanks for inviting me.
00:58:57To the backstage pass?
00:58:59Sure. Did you come alone?
00:59:01Yeah, I invited Matt,
00:59:03but he had to go out of town for work.
00:59:05Really?
00:59:07Okay, you're all set. You should report to the staging area.
00:59:09Okay, thanks.
00:59:11And I have to tell you, Matt is such a great guy.
00:59:13After we got down to the shelter,
00:59:15he took me for a ride on his motorcycle.
00:59:17And then, after dinner,
00:59:19we stopped by a boat for a nightcap.
00:59:21He has a boat?
00:59:23Because it has three masts.
00:59:25Well, I wouldn't know that.
00:59:27I have this rule. No sex until the third date.
00:59:29But I will say he's a very good kisser.
00:59:31Okay, listen, I need to tell you something, Jess.
00:59:33What is it?
00:59:35Okay, how do I put this?
00:59:37Just say it.
00:59:39Matt is, um...
00:59:41Yeah?
00:59:43Married.
00:59:45You're wrong.
00:59:47I spoke to his secretary.
00:59:49Why are you doing this?
00:59:51He's someone who really cares about you.
00:59:53Not someone who's running a scam.
00:59:55I knew it. You're a lesbian.
00:59:57What? No. I'm not a lesbian.
00:59:59I'm just a man trapped in a woman's body.
01:00:01What?
01:00:03Look, I know this is going to sound crazy,
01:00:05but the thing is,
01:00:07I ran into a homeless woman the other day.
01:00:09She asked me to kiss her.
01:00:11Said it would prove that I could see the beauty in all women.
01:00:13I refused. The next day, I wake up.
01:00:15I am no longer Eddie. I am Edna.
01:00:17And so, I need to find her
01:00:19because all I can figure is, you know,
01:00:21she's put some kind of spell on me.
01:00:23And so, once I find her, she can change me back
01:00:25into being Eddie.
01:00:29Come on, say something.
01:00:31I don't ever want to see you again.
01:00:33What?
01:00:35Don't call me. Don't text me.
01:00:37Don't just stop by and see me.
01:00:39You're a sick, sick person.
01:00:41Just leave me alone.
01:00:43Jess, come back!
01:00:49I love you!
01:00:51I love you!
01:00:53I love you!
01:00:55I love you!
01:00:57I love you!
01:00:59I love you!
01:01:01I love you!
01:01:03I love you!
01:01:05I love you!
01:01:07I love you!
01:01:09I love you!
01:01:11I love you!
01:01:13I love you!
01:01:15I love you!
01:01:17I love you!
01:01:29My thing is, ever since the show
01:01:31I haven't been able to control my emotions.
01:01:33Like, someone cuts me off, I blow my eyes out.
01:01:36Catch up spills on my shirt, I blow my eyes out.
01:01:39That's messed up.
01:01:41I'd rather be a little bit emotional
01:01:43than a cold, heartless bastard like you.
01:01:45Ouch!
01:01:47Oh, shit. Look, I'm sorry.
01:01:50That's alright. I was born out of wedlock.
01:01:53I mean, I know I've been hurting over Jess, but this... this feels like more than that.
01:01:58Hey, maybe it's your female hormones.
01:02:01Yeah, maybe.
01:02:03Well, hey, look, it's still early. What do you say we go out hitting a club or something?
01:02:06Well, I'm an emotional wreck. How self-centred can you be, Steve?
01:02:11I mean, what? I mean, shit, what? I think we're fucking already or something.
01:02:31Shit, I did it again.
01:02:33I really have a problem.
01:02:36Yeah? Well, my best friend just turned into a really hot chick,
01:02:41and every night I've been having sex dreams about him.
01:02:44Well, her.
01:02:46See? You're not the only one with problems here, pal.
01:02:49I'm sorry, I didn't know.
01:02:51Yeah, well, I'm not too proud of that one.
01:02:54Fine.
01:02:56Oh, come on, Nanny, let's just change the subject.
01:02:59Yeah.
01:03:00Pass me the controls. Maybe there's a game on or something.
01:03:07You know what?
01:03:09What?
01:03:10Let's do it.
01:03:12Do what?
01:03:13Like, let's do it.
01:03:17Are you fucking serious?
01:03:19Yes, I'm fucking serious.
01:03:21I mean, I should really take my female equipment out on a test drive.
01:03:24And who better to lose my virginity to than my best friend?
01:03:27Because I can drive!
01:03:29I can drive, and you are serious. You're serious.
01:03:32I'm as serious as pink on a pregnancy test.
01:03:35Okay, that's great!
01:03:37That is great! That is so sweet!
01:03:39Don't be fucking with me, because you're fucking with me.
01:03:42No, I'm being serious.
01:03:44I'm going to go and freshen up afterwards.
01:03:46Me and you are going to do the nasty.
01:03:49I love the nasty.
01:03:51I love the nasty.
01:03:53Wait a minute, you do have a vagina, right?
01:03:56Yes.
01:03:57Good. Important.
01:03:59For the old in and out-y.
01:04:06Okay, um...
01:04:08You, like, make yourself comfortable.
01:04:11I'll be right back.
01:04:35Ah!
01:04:41Come here.
01:04:47Ah!
01:04:52What's wrong?
01:04:56Are you okay?
01:05:01Oh, what the fuck?
01:05:03What, what, what did you do?
01:05:05I think I'm dying!
01:05:07You're so much funnier!
01:05:09Call 911!
01:05:14Hey, hey, excuse me.
01:05:16Thanks for the tampon.
01:05:27Well, that was embarrassing.
01:05:29Yes. Yes, it was.
01:05:32Thanks for the, uh...
01:05:33No problem. No problem.
01:05:36Okay.
01:05:38Okay.
01:05:41So you know that thing that we were going to do?
01:05:43Don't worry about that. Do not worry about that.
01:05:46I will not be having any more of those kind of dreams.
01:05:49Right.
01:05:51I'm, uh...
01:05:53I'm totally cured.
01:05:55I get it.
01:05:57Yeah, I tell you what, I should get going.
01:05:59I've got to get back to the office, I've got to...
01:06:01Yeah, okay.
01:06:03I love, I love...
01:06:05I'll talk to you later.
01:06:07See you later, Steve.
01:06:09Hunger. I'll see you.
01:06:15Wait, do I have something on my face?
01:06:17I'll see you later.
01:06:24Look, how many times do I have to tell you I don't do full frontal?
01:06:29What? How much does it pay?
01:06:31Oh, yeah, I'm in.
01:06:33Call me back. Can I help you?
01:06:35Yeah, I'll have a small latte and, uh...
01:06:38Let me get whatever the young lady here would like.
01:06:40No, thanks.
01:06:41I insist. I'm trying to live my life by paying it forward.
01:06:44Okay, that's great and all, but I'd rather just pay for my own drink.
01:06:47Come on, babe. Really make my day.
01:06:50Okay, look, I know what you're doing.
01:06:52I used to be just like you.
01:06:54So, trust me, when I say scamming women to get them into bed is a shallow, meaningless way to live,
01:06:59at the end of the day, it's love that really matters.
01:07:02Uh-huh. You go, girl.
01:07:08Dude, you just dodged a bullet.
01:07:11Chick is hiding a banana.
01:07:14She's got balls.
01:07:24Wow.
01:07:43I know, right?
01:07:45It's a little different to your first two books.
01:07:47Well, I mean, I'm a little different.
01:07:49True. True.
01:07:52So, what do you think?
01:07:53I don't know, Eddie. I don't know.
01:07:55I mean, all this stuff about intimacy, respect, romance.
01:07:59I mean, come on, you really think sex is better between two people who are in love?
01:08:03Yeah, I do.
01:08:08Love is the answer, pal.
01:08:13Your ass is the answer, Eddie.
01:08:15Enough. Gotta go to sleep.
01:08:19Ow.
01:08:32Hey!
01:08:34You don't respect elders, do you?
01:08:38Fuck off.
01:09:06Oh, shit. Shit. Shit.
01:09:10Shit. Shit. Shit.
01:09:15Oh, yeah.
01:09:18Fuck yeah.
01:09:20Yes. Phone. Phone.
01:09:23Phone. Come on.
01:09:29Steve, it's Eddie. Listen to me. It's Eddie.
01:09:31I'm back, man. I'm back.
01:09:33Oh, shit.
01:09:56I think you have a check to seven. I think you're weird.
01:09:58Okay, bye.
01:09:59Next.
01:10:00Bye.
01:10:02Hi.
01:10:03Hi.
01:10:05Can I just say you are the perfect man?
01:10:08Well, that's very kind of you, but I am far from perfect.
01:10:12I don't know. You understand and respect women.
01:10:15Plus, you're so damn handsome.
01:10:18That's very kind of you. Thank you very much.
01:10:21I appreciate that. I do.
01:10:26Thank you. Steve Burns. I'm his agent.
01:10:29You always introduce myself.
01:10:30Next.
01:10:32Hi.
01:10:33Hi.
01:10:34How are you?
01:10:36Eddie, you liked it? That was good.
01:10:39There he is. Hey, pal.
01:10:40Hi, buddy.
01:10:41Hey, listen. We've got to get going here.
01:10:43We've got a dinner reservation tonight to celebrate our six-month anniversary, actually.
01:10:47Six months already?
01:10:48Yeah.
01:10:49Wow. Congrats.
01:10:51Are you sure you won't let me set you up with my roommate?
01:10:53Yeah. No, no.
01:10:56I really think you did it all.
01:10:58I appreciate the offer, but no. Thank you.
01:11:01All right. If you change your mind, let us know.
01:11:03Will do.
01:11:04Okay.
01:11:05If you change your mind.
01:11:06If I change my mind. Have fun tonight.
01:11:07See you, pal.
01:11:08See you.
01:11:13Take a look at me.
01:11:17Eddie.
01:11:19Yes.
01:11:21Hi.
01:11:22Hi.
01:11:24Wow. You look amazing.
01:11:26Oh, thanks.
01:11:30So, um...
01:11:34Read your book.
01:11:35You did?
01:11:36Uh-huh. I really liked it.
01:11:39I'm glad.
01:11:41You dedicated it to me.
01:11:43Yeah. Well, you know, you played a big role in helping me change.
01:11:48Yeah. About that.
01:11:51So, you and Edna...
01:11:54Edna.
01:11:55One and the same.
01:11:58Wow.
01:11:59Crazy, huh?
01:12:00Yes. And no.
01:12:05You know, I've got an idea.
01:12:07Why don't we start this thing all over?
01:12:12Hello. I'm Eddie Greenleaf.
01:12:15Jess White.
01:12:16Jess White.
01:12:17Wow. So, have you seen anyone?
01:12:20No. Not since I discovered the last guy I was dating was married.
01:12:24I'm sorry to hear that.
01:12:25Yeah. A friend tried to warn me, but I wouldn't listen.
01:12:29In fact, I was really mean to her.
01:12:31You know, I think she forgives you.
01:12:36So, how about you? Are you seeing anyone?
01:12:41Actually, I kind of fell in love for the first time in my life last year.
01:12:47You did?
01:12:48Yeah. The timing, though, just wasn't right, unfortunately.
01:12:53Well, maybe you should give it another shot.
01:12:57I was just thinking exactly the same thing.
01:13:01So, can I buy you a latte?
01:13:03I'd really like that.
01:13:04Yeah?
01:13:05Yeah.
01:13:06Well, let's get out of here, then.
01:13:07Okay.
01:13:18We found the magic of this morning in the air.
01:13:25Always there to help us.
01:13:29Once you know that there's a way.
01:13:31Second six, D. Mark.
01:13:35Got the books, honey?
01:13:36Mm-hmm.
01:13:37The release party?
01:13:38Yep.
01:13:39Sex with a homeless model?
01:13:40Oh, fucking homeless model.
01:13:41That's the girl I want to hug, right?
01:13:42The homeless girl I want to hug.
01:13:43All right, Tony, take it all in, bud.
01:13:48I love the homeless kind of look.
01:13:50It's the book signing.
01:13:52Sex with a homeless woman.
01:13:53Ah, for fuck's sake.
01:13:54That homeless woman is in my head.
01:13:56Buddy, let me tell you something.
01:13:57I'm starving.
01:13:58Okay, Eddie?
01:13:59This may be harder than I thought.
01:14:02Okay, we might have to go back to one guy.
01:14:06Knock, knock.
01:14:08This is where you'll find your beaver buzzers, magic wands, pussy plungers, hamburger helpers, and wacky wobblers.
01:14:22Personally, I like the butterfly.
01:14:25Fuck.
01:14:38This stuff is good.
01:14:50Not bad, right?
01:14:51Yeah, what is it?
01:14:52Dos sellos.
01:14:53Dos sellos.
01:14:54This stuff's good.
01:14:55What is it?
01:14:56Dos sellos.
01:14:57Dos sellos.
01:14:58This stuff is good.
01:14:59What is it?
01:15:00One more time, Tony?
01:15:02One more time, Tony?
01:15:10The thing is...
01:15:12Ah, for fuck's sake.
01:15:14Yes, I'm fucking serious.
01:15:16I mean, I really should take my female equipment out with...
01:15:19What am I doing?
01:15:22Hey, baby.
01:15:23Excuse me.
01:15:24Thanks for the car.
01:15:25Love the car.
01:15:26Love the car.
01:15:28Excuse me.
01:15:37Come on, come on.
01:15:41Eddie!
01:15:44I'm fucking Eddie.
01:15:45Fuck.
01:15:46Alright.
01:15:47Fuck.
01:15:48Make yourself comfortable, and I'll...
01:15:50Be right back.
01:15:52She must have put a spell on me. That's the only thing that makes sense.
01:16:09Okay. So, we're looking for this magical, mystery kind of homeless woman, right?
01:16:15I mean, I don't know. I guessed her.
01:16:18Okay. Maybe she was a witch.
01:16:21A witch?
01:16:22Did you say it yet? Because the gig's up.
01:16:25Can I ask you a question?
01:16:28Sorry.
01:16:38This is funny.
01:16:42Not here.
01:16:52And me, baby. Don't you think it's time to get this romance started?
01:17:11Ooh, baby, this is our chance. Ooh, are you open-hearted?
01:17:27Take a look at us, darling.
01:17:37Yes, I'd turn away if I may be so brazen. Ooh, hold me.
01:17:50This could be love. Ooh, you are so amazing.
01:18:02Kiss me. Love me.
01:18:17In this magic moment, say you'll never stray, never go away.
01:18:33Take a look at me, sweetheart.
01:18:45Let me look at you. We're standing in the fire. Ooh, tell me how far we'll go.
01:19:01Ooh, let's take our love higher.
01:19:31Ooh, baby, this is our chance. Ooh, are you open-hearted?
01:19:51Take a look at me, sweetheart. Let me look at you. We're standing in the fire. Ooh, tell me how far we'll go.
01:20:11Ooh, baby, this is our chance. Ooh, are you open-hearted?
01:20:31Take a look at me.