Deep Valley - English Teen Movie
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Short filmTranscript
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00:01:54It's Diamond Jim here, ready to rock your world.
00:01:58Lock the door.
00:01:59Throw the tarp on the couch, and get ready.
00:02:01It's time for the Diamond Jim Marathon.
00:02:04Woo!
00:02:06It's a scrapbook of some of my hottest hits,
00:02:10including Cheerleader Debutantes 3, Getting Wet,
00:02:14Debutante Nurses 9, Missionary, Impossible,
00:02:18and of course, Candy Straper Cutie 14, You Got Tail.
00:02:22So join all your favorite stars, including Autumn Bliss.
00:02:26Give me a T.
00:02:28Give me an A.
00:02:30Daphne Cheeks.
00:02:32I'm so wet.
00:02:34Suzy Diablo.
00:02:36Submit.
00:02:37And of course, the hottest piece of ass known to mankind, Mammy.
00:02:41I'm all yours.
00:02:44But wait, there's more. Start dialing that phone.
00:02:47Because one of you lucky bastards could be the next winner
00:02:50of one of these bitchin' prizes.
00:02:52How about a leather Marco Lounger,
00:02:55treated with Jus T'Aigard for wipe-a-ways,
00:02:58or a 86 Fiera,
00:03:01diamond saline racing package,
00:03:04and bumper bra.
00:03:06Come on.
00:03:07And the granddaddy of them all,
00:03:09the vintage Diamond Jim Porn Booth,
00:03:12signed by me, Diamond Jim.
00:03:16Hello?
00:03:18Yes.
00:03:20Uh, meet Lester Watts.
00:03:23W-A-T-T-S.
00:03:25Uh, I'm a boxer's man.
00:03:27Average size, probably, you know,
00:03:29five and seven-eighths inches,
00:03:31but it's really wide.
00:03:32Devastating girth.
00:03:34Last night, or this morning,
00:03:36and like 20 minutes ago at lunch.
00:03:38Package, folks.
00:03:40If I had to choose, uh,
00:03:43probably nipple clamps over strap-on.
00:03:48Tap.
00:03:51What else do I like?
00:03:54Fuckin' sixth graders!
00:03:59No, no, no, no, that's not what I meant.
00:04:00Hello?
00:04:01I didn't...
00:04:02Hello?
00:04:03Did you...
00:04:04God!
00:04:06God!
00:04:07Hey, man of the hour, what's up?
00:04:10How'd it go?
00:04:11I got it.
00:04:12What?
00:04:13Yeah.
00:04:14You just got it?
00:04:15And it was beautiful.
00:04:16I just sat down, eye-to-eye,
00:04:18and the guy caved on everything.
00:04:20Huge raise, fat title, sick office.
00:04:23The works.
00:04:24Tracy, how'd she take it when you told her
00:04:26you were leaving her daddy's firm?
00:04:28No, no, I haven't, uh, you know, I haven't told her.
00:04:30Oh, Jesus Christ, man.
00:04:32You're not giving her enough credit.
00:04:34You know, she's a great girl.
00:04:36All right, and she wants what's best for me,
00:04:38because that is what's best for us,
00:04:40the Tracy Carl unit, and...
00:04:46Did you just say to me, the Tracy Carl unit?
00:04:49Bro, I've had your back since the bloody asphalt days
00:04:52of third-grade dodgeball.
00:04:54Tim Wheatley hit you in the face with a basketball
00:04:56and knocked you out.
00:04:57What did I do?
00:04:58I held him down, and I farted in his mouth, Carl.
00:05:00I know, and I appreciate that.
00:05:02You know I appreciate that.
00:05:03I know what's best for you.
00:05:05And if I was about to cut my balls off,
00:05:07I hoped that a good friend would stand up
00:05:09and tell me that I'm an asshole.
00:05:11So, Carl, as a friend, you're an asshole.
00:05:14Lester, I promise, everything's gonna be okay.
00:05:17All right?
00:05:21It's gonna be fine.
00:05:23Are you out of your fucking mind?
00:05:26Leaving Daddy's firm after all he's done for you, for us?
00:05:29Well, yes, I know, but...
00:05:31The wedding.
00:05:32It's a hundred grand.
00:05:34Who's paying?
00:05:35Oh, that's right, Daddy.
00:05:37Honeymoon? Ding!
00:05:38Daddy again?
00:05:39Well, he's very generous.
00:05:40I just don't understand why you'd want to leave anyway.
00:05:43My brothers love it there, and so does Uncle Larry.
00:05:45A mummy comes by every day with a healthy,
00:05:47homemade, nutritious lunch you claim you just love.
00:05:50That is, unless you've been lying to me.
00:05:54Hmm?
00:05:56A liar.
00:05:58Are you, Carl?
00:05:59I am not a liar.
00:06:00I love your mother's cooking.
00:06:01I just think that I...
00:06:02Carl, sweetie, you've just...
00:06:03You've just got to have an open mind about this
00:06:05and realize that leaving Daddy's firm is just simply...
00:06:08not going to happen.
00:06:10Okay, baby?
00:06:11End of discussion.
00:06:16Is the feel okay, though?
00:06:18A little cold.
00:06:19Whoops.
00:06:29Mmm. Mmm.
00:06:31Mm-hmm.
00:06:32It's a good choice.
00:06:34You know what?
00:06:35You don't even have to tell me.
00:06:37I want to guess.
00:06:39Is that okay?
00:06:40You sat down eye-to-eye, and you folded like a little bitch.
00:06:43Am I wrong?
00:06:44So you get the same title, no raise,
00:06:46shitty office.
00:06:48What'd you call it?
00:06:49The Works.
00:06:50It's Monday morning.
00:06:51Welcome to hell.
00:06:53I mean, why is she so mad at you all the time?
00:06:56I mean, come on, bro.
00:06:58I think you're the one who should be pissed, my friend.
00:07:00I was thinking that maybe...
00:07:02I should buy her something, you know, that's special,
00:07:05but also creative.
00:07:07Ooh.
00:07:08Like, get her a retard with a box of crayons
00:07:11with one of them sharpeners so he can sharpen it
00:07:13and then take the shavings and put them all over his face.
00:07:16You're going to hell.
00:07:17Well, you know what? No.
00:07:18I'm not going to hell.
00:07:19Retards love crayons.
00:07:21What are you doing?
00:07:22No, no, no, no, no.
00:07:23Don't be that guy.
00:07:24I'm not calling her, all right?
00:07:25Who are you calling?
00:07:26I'm calling to decline the job offer.
00:07:28Just don't be rash, okay?
00:07:29You don't have to call right now.
00:07:30Give it the weekend.
00:07:31Why give it the weekend?
00:07:32I mean, what is the point?
00:07:33What's going to happen this weekend?
00:07:34Let's do it.
00:07:35Oh, oh.
00:07:46Oh.
00:07:51Um, did you buy this?
00:07:57I don't know.
00:07:58I've been pretty blackout drunk for the last week and a half.
00:08:00Thanks for asking.
00:08:01But no, I feel like I want it.
00:08:02I vaguely remember calling some sweepstakes.
00:08:05I hope I didn't buy this.
00:08:07This thing's priceless.
00:08:08I couldn't have bought it.
00:08:09I couldn't afford this.
00:08:10Really?
00:08:11And I'm the one who has to rethink my life.
00:08:12Yeah, you do.
00:08:15Let's plug this sucker in, huh?
00:08:19This is a piece of history, my man.
00:08:21I mean, this is how they kicked it old school.
00:08:22There was no Internet back then.
00:08:23Just grab a roll of quarters, get on in it,
00:08:24and get your horn on.
00:08:25Hey, thanks for the history lesson.
00:08:26Plug it in, huh?
00:08:28It works.
00:08:30It seems to, yeah.
00:08:31Let's check it out.
00:08:33Yeah, let's.
00:08:34Come on.
00:08:35It's like a time machine taking you back to porn's glory days.
00:08:38Uh-huh.
00:08:39Why am I longing for those days?
00:08:42This is a vintage Diamond Jim porn booth.
00:08:45Okay?
00:08:46You know who Diamond Jim is.
00:08:48No.
00:08:49I don't.
00:08:50Think Spielberg.
00:08:52Okay, that's the kind of influence he's got.
00:08:54Think Spielberg.
00:08:55Okay, that's the kind of influence that this man had on porn.
00:08:58I mean, before Diamond Jim,
00:09:00porno was dark and dirty and hairy,
00:09:02and Diamond Jim just changed everything.
00:09:05DJ made porn fun.
00:09:07Okay, and fun is something that you are sorely lacking these days.
00:09:10And any fun that's left in you is going to be sucked out by you-know-who.
00:09:14All right.
00:09:15And not from your...
00:09:16because she doesn't do that.
00:09:17That's inappropriate.
00:09:18She's a lady.
00:09:19Get in the porn booth, Carl,
00:09:20and I'll show you some real ladies.
00:09:21That's great.
00:09:22Yeah.
00:09:25Carl.
00:09:26What?
00:09:27Trust me.
00:09:28Get in the porn booth.
00:09:29I'm not getting in there.
00:09:30It's vintage.
00:09:31That means used.
00:09:32Used means sticky.
00:09:33I'm not getting in there.
00:09:34You don't like sticky?
00:09:35No.
00:09:36You don't mind sitting on the couch?
00:09:37You.
00:09:38Let's go.
00:09:39Wow.
00:09:40Carl, trust me.
00:09:47Hey, give it.
00:09:48Give it.
00:09:53Wow.
00:09:54Somebody had a real thing for nurses.
00:09:56They're nice people.
00:09:57Okay, Carl.
00:09:58They're helpers.
00:10:02Holy shit.
00:10:03Sorority Surprise?
00:10:04That's insane.
00:10:05No way.
00:10:06No, no, no, no, no.
00:10:07What?
00:10:08Sorority Surprise.
00:10:09You've never heard of it?
00:10:10I never have.
00:10:11It's Diamond Jim's experimental masterpiece.
00:10:12It was an epic, days in the making,
00:10:14only to disappear off the face of the planet.
00:10:16Some people say Diamond Jim went insane trying to finish it.
00:10:18Other people say it was two scoops of cocaine
00:10:21he put on his Raisin Bran every morning.
00:10:22But here it is.
00:10:24Hey, bud.
00:10:25Pick your flick.
00:10:27There's a good smile on your face.
00:10:28I bet it will.
00:10:31All right.
00:10:32Let's get it on.
00:10:37Are you doing that?
00:10:40Stop.
00:10:41What is happening?
00:10:42Why is it happening?
00:10:43When will it stop?
00:10:44Stop it.
00:10:46Whoa, dude.
00:10:47Fail.
00:11:04Whoa.
00:11:05That was intense.
00:11:07Are you okay?
00:11:08I think so.
00:11:10Man, where are we?
00:11:11Come on.
00:11:12Come on.
00:11:15Freeze.
00:11:16Put your hands up.
00:11:17I said freeze.
00:11:18Get your hands up.
00:11:19Do you want us to freeze or get our hands up?
00:11:20Shut up, punk.
00:11:21Brittany Friscom.
00:11:22Jeez.
00:11:23I think we have a concealed weapon here.
00:11:24I don't think so.
00:11:25Is that booze I smell on your breath?
00:11:26I'm sorry, officer.
00:11:27We did not do anything.
00:11:28I'm sorry.
00:11:29I'm sorry.
00:11:30I'm sorry.
00:11:31I'm sorry.
00:11:32I'm sorry.
00:11:33I'm sorry.
00:11:34I'm sorry.
00:11:35I'm sorry.
00:11:36I'm sorry.
00:11:37I'm sorry.
00:11:38I'm sorry.
00:11:39I'm sorry.
00:11:40I'm sorry.
00:11:41I'm sorry.
00:11:42I'm sorry.
00:11:43I'm sorry.
00:11:44I did not do anything wrong here.
00:11:46Oh, yeah?
00:11:47Ow.
00:11:48How's malicious jaywalking sound with intent?
00:11:51Made up.
00:11:52No, really, officer.
00:11:53How do I know you?
00:11:54And you, too?
00:11:55College?
00:11:56I mean, I didn't really go to college.
00:11:57I used to deal weed there.
00:11:58I didn't really deal weed there, but I'm just saying.
00:12:00How do I know you?
00:12:01A-A?
00:12:02Silence.
00:12:03Oh, my God.
00:12:04Ah.
00:12:05Ah.
00:12:06Ah.
00:12:07Ah.
00:12:08Ah.
00:12:09Ah.
00:12:10Ah.
00:12:11Ah.
00:12:12Ah.
00:12:13Those regulation uniforms...
00:12:43You want to cop too or walk the block?
00:12:47Because Rod Cannon has got the numbers on you and good.
00:12:53I get it.
00:12:57That's the book on you, huh?
00:13:01That's the book on you?
00:13:02Smart guy talking the talk?
00:13:04Well listen up and you better listen good.
00:13:06You better check wise and sing the rumble or before you know it you might find yourself
00:13:12on the rub out highway to nowheresville.
00:13:21That was the gun, son.
00:13:24You don't want to see the cannon.
00:13:29Get this dumb mug out of my sight.
00:13:32We have a wet spill in the supply closet.
00:13:37Attention janitorial, we have a wet spill.
00:13:42Well, well.
00:13:45What do we have here?
00:13:48Just another piece of meat.
00:13:52I...
00:13:55I...
00:14:04Another outburst like that and I will send you straight to the hole.
00:14:11Wait, wait, wait.
00:14:14Just listen, okay?
00:14:16All I know is I'm hanging out with my buddy and the next thing you know there's this light
00:14:20and then there's sound and it was slamming to the ground, okay?
00:14:25There was cops.
00:14:26Kitty cops.
00:14:29And then they kicked me in the balls and they maced me.
00:14:32And now I'm here.
00:14:33That's all I know.
00:14:35You think I haven't heard that one before, do you?
00:14:50You better get used to it, bitches.
00:14:54You're the fucking bitch.
00:14:56Bitch.
00:14:57Stop being stupid, bitch.
00:14:59Why don't you make me, bitch?
00:15:02Bitch.
00:15:03No.
00:15:04No.
00:15:05No.
00:15:06No.
00:15:07No.
00:15:08No.
00:15:09No.
00:15:10No.
00:15:11No.
00:15:12No.
00:15:13No.
00:15:14No.
00:15:15No.
00:15:16No.
00:15:17No.
00:15:18No.
00:15:19It's me.
00:15:20It's me.
00:15:21It's me.
00:15:22Don't.
00:15:23Hurry, hurry.
00:15:26Wait a minute.
00:15:29Have we met somewhere before or something?
00:15:32I don't know.
00:15:34I see pumps like you every day.
00:15:39Oh, my god.
00:15:42Sure.
00:15:45Susie, Susie Diablo.
00:15:48Look, we can either do this the easy way,
00:15:54or we can do it the hard way.
00:15:59Wait a minute, I know the answer to this.
00:16:00I know that's mine.
00:16:03Yes.
00:16:04Could it get any harder?
00:16:06Oh, yeah.
00:16:11I think it just did.
00:16:14Bingo.
00:16:16Oh my god.
00:16:40You guys wanna, cause it's open.
00:16:43No, we're good.
00:16:45You're good. Yeah.
00:16:52One way or another, you're going to tell me what I want to know.
00:16:59Even if I have to suck it out of you.
00:17:03Oh, I'm not talking. I'm not talking.
00:17:06You can't get me to talk.
00:17:08Lester. Hey, Lester. Oh, my God.
00:17:11What is he doing here?
00:17:13Uh, baby, it's okay. That's my boy.
00:17:15You understand. She needs information.
00:17:18I can explain.
00:17:19Yeah, well, that's great. Explain later. Come on. Come on.
00:17:21You're scaring me away.
00:17:23I'll talk you down until I get what I want.
00:17:27Ugh.
00:17:29Come on. Let's go. Let's go. Come on.
00:17:31Excuse me.
00:17:44Oh, my God.
00:17:52Huh?
00:17:54Oh, my God.
00:18:15This way.
00:18:17Oh, shit.
00:18:26This is all my fault.
00:18:28Don't sweat it, sister.
00:18:30We're going to track house to house.
00:18:32We're going to bag those plugs before the blue plate hits the counter.
00:18:36Yeah?
00:18:37Oh, yeah.
00:18:39Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah.
00:18:43Oh, yeah.
00:18:44Oh. Oh.
00:18:48Can it, chippy.
00:18:50Can it.
00:18:52Rod's always here for the taking.
00:18:54You know that.
00:18:55But with these punks, these mugs, these goofaloofadoofs loosing my engine,
00:19:01it's track one for trouble time.
00:19:04Okay.
00:19:05I think.
00:19:07Okay.
00:19:17Oh, my God.
00:19:18I am so wet.
00:19:23So cold.
00:19:26Now I'm way wetter than you are.
00:19:28Nuh-uh. I'm way wetter.
00:19:30Girls.
00:19:31Now you're both wet.
00:19:32All right. Let's take a vote.
00:19:34Yes, Miss Bliss.
00:19:36Who's wetter, Brandy or Mandy?
00:19:39I'm going to play.
00:19:42Oh, you're the wettest.
00:19:50Have you ever seen anything like this?
00:19:53Yes.
00:19:55Yes, my friend, I have.
00:19:58This is the opening scene of Dirty Talking Co-ed.
00:20:01All right. That's enough of the jokes.
00:20:02I'm serious, all right?
00:20:03Bro, this is not a joke.
00:20:04I don't even know how to be more serious.
00:20:07And, like, wow, this is definitely the wettest I've ever been.
00:20:11Excuse me.
00:20:12I am so wet.
00:20:15Like, wow, this is definitely the wettest I've ever been.
00:20:20What?
00:20:24Yeah.
00:20:25That chick back at the police station, her name is Suzy Diablo.
00:20:28She's a porn star.
00:20:29She's a black belt in S&M.
00:20:31She's nothing but trouble.
00:20:33All right, girls.
00:20:36Her name is Autumn Bliss.
00:20:38She's the den mother here at Tri-Pi Sorority.
00:20:41She keeps the girls in line, dirty little hussies.
00:20:45And her, there is Daphne Cheeks, the blonde one.
00:20:48She's a water sports specialist, if you know what I'm saying.
00:20:50It's one of my personal favorites.
00:20:52And in five, four, three, two.
00:21:00That is Bambi Cummings.
00:21:05She is the best of the best, Carl.
00:21:08Have a seat, Bambi.
00:21:09Thanks.
00:21:13Hi, girls.
00:21:14Hi, Bambi.
00:21:16Hi, Bambi.
00:21:19End of story.
00:21:23Carl, I think we have to seriously consider the possibility that we died back there.
00:21:29We got electrocuted in that booth.
00:21:31And now we somehow made it to heaven.
00:21:35Praise Jesus.
00:21:37No, no.
00:21:38This is just a bad, drunk dream.
00:21:40And any minute, I am going to wake up and everything will be the way it was.
00:21:45Well, not exactly.
00:21:47Diamond Jam.
00:21:49In the flesh, my friend.
00:21:51And please, call me DJ.
00:21:53DJ, please, tell me this is some sort of dream or something.
00:21:56Or are we dead?
00:21:58Well, the answer is yes and no.
00:21:59Told you.
00:22:01See, it's like this.
00:22:02On the one hand, you've taken on an alternative form of existence,
00:22:06which could be construed as some sort of a dreamlike state.
00:22:09But on the other hand, since you physically traveled here,
00:22:12you no longer exist back home, so technically you're considered dead.
00:22:15Yes!
00:22:16But not really, because you're here and you're alive.
00:22:18Huh?
00:22:19So, wait, wait, wait, wait.
00:22:20Are you saying that we have traveled to some sort of alternate porno flick dimension?
00:22:29Or perhaps, if you will, a porno-ville?
00:22:33Well, if it looks like porno and smells like porno.
00:22:36It must be porno!
00:22:38Oh, yes!
00:22:40Thank you.
00:22:41Thank you.
00:22:42Thank you.
00:22:43No, no, no, no, no.
00:22:44This is not happening.
00:22:45Oh, it's happening, Carl.
00:22:47You see, you were brought here for a reason.
00:22:49And like any great journey, the true adventure is figuring that reason out.
00:22:56Or something.
00:22:57Cool!
00:22:58I love meaningful journeys.
00:22:59If you could just do me a favor and point me in the direction of one of those dimension-altering porn booths,
00:23:05and I'll just make my way home.
00:23:07Carl, you don't punch a ticket home until you complete the journey.
00:23:12Don't fast-forward it.
00:23:14You dig, son?
00:23:16Now, here are the rules.
00:23:17Listen up.
00:23:18Yeah.
00:23:19There are none!
00:23:21Shut the fuck up.
00:23:23Wait, now.
00:23:24Hang on.
00:23:25Is there one?
00:23:28Shit, I don't remember.
00:23:29Hey, do whatever the hell you want.
00:23:31It only gets better, huh?
00:23:33But, boy, piece of advice.
00:23:36Just keep it simple.
00:23:39Oh, he's gone.
00:23:42Frick.
00:23:43Okay, so we can't hide out here in the open, then.
00:23:46Hey, we can hide up there.
00:23:48They have an attic up there that they never use.
00:23:50How do you know?
00:23:51Because in Co-Ed Cupcakes 9, the girls have a seance with a vibrating Ouija board that they think is haunted by a ghost with a 20-inch long
00:23:58that they call the Cockness Monster that lives in the attic that they never use.
00:24:03Oh, I should have been a better friend to you, huh?
00:24:06Yeah.
00:24:07Great.
00:24:08All right, fine.
00:24:09Let's go.
00:24:10Okay, but first, we have to hide here for five more minutes.
00:24:13Why?
00:24:14They're about to have an orgy, bro.
00:24:17Fine.
00:24:18Let's go.
00:24:31This is hilarious.
00:24:34Look at this.
00:24:35What?
00:24:36Check this out.
00:24:37Oh, holy shit.
00:24:40Why do they need all this dessert?
00:24:42I don't understand.
00:24:57God, that was fun.
00:24:58I know, and we've only just begun.
00:25:02Look at what I've got.
00:25:06A little whipped cream.
00:25:09Any chocolate to go with that?
00:25:11Maybe.
00:25:13That feels good.
00:25:16Don't forget the cherries, girls.
00:25:19We love it.
00:25:20It's the best.
00:25:21You're the best.
00:25:24You're my favorite son-in-law.
00:25:28You're my favorite son-in-law.
00:25:31Yummy.
00:25:32Here.
00:25:49Hey, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:25:52We've got to go.
00:25:53We've got to go.
00:25:54We forgot the cherries.
00:25:55We've got to go.
00:25:57We forgot the cherries.
00:26:00We've got to go.
00:26:01Compose.
00:26:03Compose.
00:26:16Um, yeah, extra, extra.
00:26:18I'll bring Mr. Boo Boo.
00:26:19Oh, good idea.
00:26:21I'm going to take a shower.
00:26:27But I always take showers.
00:26:46Oh, yeah, I forgot.
00:26:48You're silly.
00:26:57You can change in here if you want.
00:27:00Oh, um, how about we meet in the shower?
00:27:03Okay.
00:27:26Yeah.
00:27:29Yeah.
00:27:45Yeah.
00:27:48Yeah.
00:27:51Yeah.
00:28:03Yeah.
00:28:21Who are you and what are you doing in my closet?
00:28:33I'm sorry.
00:28:34I'm sorry.
00:28:35I'm sorry.
00:28:36I can explain.
00:28:37You better or I start screaming.
00:28:38Don't scream.
00:28:39Don't scream.
00:28:40Please.
00:28:41Please.
00:28:42Please.
00:28:43Okay.
00:28:44I came here in a booth.
00:28:45A movie booth.
00:28:46But it's not a movie booth.
00:28:47It's a time portal dimension jumping mission.
00:28:48Are you sure you want to hear this?
00:28:49I'm quite sure.
00:28:50Sure.
00:28:51Sure?
00:28:52You think I'm going to be the first to take part?
00:28:57Mmm-hmm.
00:28:58Quality control, ma'am.
00:28:59I have been inspecting these items.
00:29:00I'm afraid I'm going to have to seize them all.
00:29:05What?
00:29:06You and Mr. Boo Boo?
00:29:09Oh, especially Mr. Boo Boo.
00:29:12Oh.
00:29:13So you're from outer space?
00:29:16Uh, no.
00:29:17Not exactly.
00:29:18Are you going to eat me?
00:29:20I'm not, no, no, I'm not gonna do anything to you.
00:29:22I just, I need to go home.
00:29:25Oh.
00:29:26Gee, mister, are you absolutely positive
00:29:29you have to take all of them?
00:29:31Absolutely sure.
00:29:33Well, are you sure there's nothing I could do
00:29:37to change your mind?
00:29:40Well, I, uh...
00:29:45I'm sure that, uh...
00:29:48I, uh...
00:29:50I think we're...
00:30:14Ah!
00:30:16Ah!
00:30:18Ooh!
00:30:20And where did you land here?
00:30:23Uh, I don't know.
00:30:24I mean, there was an alley, and, um...
00:30:27And then we got arrested.
00:30:28I mean, everything was just happening so fast.
00:30:30I don't really...
00:30:31It looks like things aren't slowing down any time soon.
00:30:34Ah!
00:30:45Oh, no, that's that guy.
00:30:46That's that crazy detective guy with the toothpick,
00:30:49and I don't know what he's saying.
00:30:50Yeah, that's Detective Rod Cannon.
00:30:52He always gets his man.
00:30:53You guys gotta hide.
00:30:55You gonna help us?
00:30:56Of course, silly.
00:30:57Oh, thanks.
00:30:59Ah!
00:31:00Ah!
00:31:01Ah!
00:31:02Ah!
00:31:03Ah!
00:31:04Ah!
00:31:05Ah!
00:31:06Daphne, you gotta hide these two, and quick.
00:31:08Rod is here.
00:31:09Rod Cannon?
00:31:10The long slong of the law, Rod Cannon?
00:31:14Did he interrogate you?
00:31:16Yeah, kind of.
00:31:19Oh, shit, bro!
00:31:21We do not want to be caught by Rod.
00:31:25He always gets his man, if you know what I mean.
00:31:29I usually don't know what you mean,
00:31:31and it's no exception right now, so...
00:31:34Ah!
00:31:36Ah!
00:31:41Well!
00:31:43It isn't Rod Cannon.
00:31:47Afternoon, Miss Bliss.
00:31:49What can I do for you today, Detective?
00:31:51Official business.
00:31:53Rod, you know boys aren't allowed upstairs without an escort.
00:32:00Like I said, sweetie, it's official.
00:32:10He's coming.
00:32:26Open up, police.
00:32:28Hey, guys, what's up?
00:32:32Step aside, please.
00:32:34I need to have a look, see?
00:32:36In there.
00:32:38Cool.
00:32:39Something wrong?
00:32:41Less confidential.
00:32:45Awesome.
00:32:47Have fun, okay?
00:32:49Ah!
00:32:56So, you girls seen anything out of the ordinary?
00:33:01Uh-uh.
00:33:08Something funny?
00:33:11No.
00:33:12Rod, is there something we should be worried about?
00:33:16I'm a working man, Cupcake.
00:33:18So that's Detective Cannon to you.
00:33:21And please, I'm the one asking the questions here, Miss, you understand?
00:33:27How long you had this for?
00:33:33How long do you want me to have had it for?
00:33:37Ah!
00:33:38Oh!
00:33:39All right.
00:33:45Oh!
00:33:46Rod, are you gonna tell us what's going on or not?
00:33:49Nothing I can't handle.
00:33:50Just a couple hoods on the lam, you know me.
00:33:55I always get my man.
00:33:57Smashing window.
00:34:05Hey!
00:34:07Two, three.
00:34:23You hear something?
00:34:25Oh, no.
00:34:26No?
00:34:27What?
00:34:28No.
00:34:29No?
00:34:30Uh-uh.
00:34:32Uh-uh.
00:34:36All right.
00:34:37Guess my work here is done.
00:34:41Thanks, Rod.
00:34:42There you have your number.
00:34:44Jesus Christ!
00:34:46Oh, my God!
00:34:48Ow!
00:34:49Ow!
00:34:50Oh, my God!
00:34:51We have to get you guys to the hospital.
00:34:53No, no.
00:34:54We don't need doctors.
00:34:56Yes, and besides, there's lots of crazy gadgets there.
00:34:58Maybe one of them can help you get home.
00:35:01Oh, okay.
00:35:02Thank you.
00:35:03That's nice.
00:35:04Okay.
00:35:05Yeah.
00:35:06Let me just do my hair first, my hospital hair.
00:35:07Hospital hair.
00:35:08Okay.
00:35:11What's happening?
00:35:12Wouldn't you say you're risking quite a bit for this mysterious stranger?
00:35:16Oh, you know me.
00:35:18I'm always a sucker for the new guy.
00:35:23Jeeb.
00:35:24Boy, Carl is so sweet and helpless.
00:35:27I mean, look at them.
00:35:29Oh.
00:35:30Oh.
00:35:31Oh.
00:35:32Oh.
00:35:33So, every day these palookas ride the streets is an embarrassment.
00:35:39An embarrassment, not only to me, but to the entire department.
00:35:43No one, and I mean no one, makes a clean sneak from the clubhouse and walks.
00:35:48Not on my watch.
00:35:49Not on my watch.
00:35:51Sir, I've just landed a tip.
00:35:55No, not that.
00:35:56They've been spotted at the hospital.
00:35:58Diablo, slant the hospital.
00:36:00Dick, Lance, hit the campus.
00:36:03I want these hoods back by nightfall or there will be hell to pay.
00:36:07Get out of here.
00:36:08Come on, move.
00:36:09Let's see movement.
00:36:10Let's move.
00:36:11Let's move.
00:36:12Let's move.
00:36:13Other way.
00:36:14Other way.
00:36:15Go.
00:36:16This pink zone is for unloading only.
00:36:23I've got a contorted labor.
00:36:24I need 600 gallons of toxin magooey.
00:36:27What's after what?
00:36:28We're just 30 minutes in.
00:36:30This one here's got a humerus erectus and it's...
00:36:32Yeah, it's huge.
00:36:34I can't believe it.
00:36:35I didn't know you were here.
00:36:36Where are you going?
00:36:41Doctor, are they going to be okay?
00:36:43Right now, it doesn't look good.
00:36:46But you sure as hell do.
00:36:47Is there anything that I can do?
00:36:49Well, I'm sure I can think of something.
00:36:52Okay.
00:36:54All deliveries for Dr. Jellyfinger, please use the rear entry.
00:37:02Carmen, what are you doing?
00:37:03Look, I have to get out of here.
00:37:04I can't waste my time with this.
00:37:05I've got to find the portal.
00:37:06I've got to get home.
00:37:07Let's just grab Lester and we'll go, okay?
00:37:09I can't.
00:37:11Oh, yeah.
00:37:12I have to go to cheerleading practice.
00:37:14Tryouts are tomorrow.
00:37:16Oh.
00:37:17And besides, we can't arouse any suspicions.
00:37:20Yeah.
00:37:21No, I understand.
00:37:22I mean, you've already done so much.
00:37:24But I still want to help.
00:37:26After you find Lester, come back to the Pie House,
00:37:29and Daphne and I will find you guys a place to hide.
00:37:31Right.
00:37:32Okay.
00:37:33Thanks, Bambi.
00:37:34It's your thing.
00:37:36And good luck.
00:37:44Dan, good luck to you.
00:37:45Thank you.
00:37:47To you as well.
00:37:52Oh.
00:37:56Oh.
00:37:59Went out of the gate.
00:38:02Oh.
00:38:06Oh.
00:38:13Hey, girls.
00:38:14Yeah.
00:38:15Do you want to get it on with me?
00:38:17Do you want to do it?
00:38:19Are you ready for your sponge bath?
00:38:21Uh, yeah.
00:38:29Now turn over.
00:38:32Okay.
00:38:33We always start with the back.
00:38:36But don't worry.
00:38:38We always finish with the front.
00:38:43Oh, yeah.
00:38:44Are you excited?
00:38:45Not really.
00:38:47Not really.
00:38:48Oh, yeah.
00:38:49Get down in the crack there.
00:38:55Dr. Bushwood, please prepare for an injection.
00:38:58Dr. Bushwood, prepare for a big injection.
00:39:02Oh, boy.
00:39:05Oh, hush.
00:39:07Oh!
00:39:10Wow, that looked painful.
00:39:12Hello, Miss B.
00:39:15Oh, baby.
00:39:16Looks like I'm all strapped in.
00:39:18It wasn't very nice running out of milk, but...
00:39:22Oh, well, it's all about timing, baby.
00:39:25And look, I'm not going anywhere,
00:39:27so I guess now is the time, if you know what I'm saying.
00:39:33What's that thing?
00:39:38Uh, I don't know.
00:39:41Uh...
00:39:44I assure you, this indeed will hurt.
00:39:47Wait, wait, wait.
00:39:48You mean, like, role-play hurt?
00:39:51Uh-uh.
00:39:52Or, honest to God, hurt?
00:39:55Yeah.
00:39:57Wait, wait, wait.
00:39:58No, no, no.
00:39:59You don't want to do that.
00:40:00Yes.
00:40:02Dr. Jellyfinger.
00:40:03Dr. Jellyfinger.
00:40:04Dr. Jellyfinger.
00:40:05Oh, no, that's not my...
00:40:06Your patient is waiting.
00:40:07I don't have patients.
00:40:08What if I told you...
00:40:12What...
00:40:13What if I told you that I'm a virgin?
00:40:19Oh, fuck it.
00:40:20I'm stalling.
00:40:21Get it over with.
00:40:23No!
00:40:24No!
00:40:25No!
00:40:26No!
00:40:27No!
00:40:28No!
00:40:29No!
00:40:30No!
00:40:31No!
00:40:32No!
00:40:33No!
00:40:34No!
00:40:35No!
00:40:36No!
00:40:38No.
00:40:39Doctor, so good to see you.
00:40:43So, um, what, uh, seems to be the problem?
00:40:48It's my nipples.
00:40:50They taste funny.
00:40:56Okay, would you excuse me for...
00:41:01Ah!
00:41:02Ah!
00:41:03Run!
00:41:04Oh, wind!
00:41:05Ah!
00:41:06Ah!
00:41:07Ah!
00:41:08Ah!
00:41:09Coral, help me!
00:41:10Ah!
00:41:11Oh!
00:41:12Wow!
00:41:13Hey!
00:41:14Hey!
00:41:15You don't ever say a word about that.
00:41:16I don't know what you're talking...
00:41:17I don't...
00:41:18I have no idea what you're talking about.
00:41:19Good.
00:41:20Nothing.
00:41:21Uh-huh.
00:41:22Get out!
00:41:23My legs!
00:41:24Get out!
00:41:25Get out!
00:41:26Get out!
00:41:27Get out!
00:41:28Get out!
00:41:29Get out!
00:41:30Get out!
00:41:33Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
00:41:34That's where we landed!
00:41:35That's where we landed.
00:41:36That's where we dropped.
00:41:37I don't care.
00:41:38Let's go.
00:41:39She's coming.
00:41:40With that thing!
00:41:41Let's go!
00:41:42Come on!
00:41:43Um...
00:41:44Okay.
00:41:45It's still there.
00:41:46Look, I'm...
00:41:47Don't touch me!
00:41:48Look, I'm...
00:41:49I don't...
00:41:50I'm gonna count to three, okay?
00:41:51Keep them closed.
00:41:52One.
00:41:53Two.
00:41:54One.
00:41:55Two.
00:41:56One.
00:41:57Two.
00:41:58You never say a word about this, ever, ever.
00:42:09No, never.
00:42:10Absolutely.
00:42:11I would not do that.
00:42:13Go, go, go, go, go, go.
00:42:20Gave you the slip, huh?
00:42:24Let me tell you something, Missy.
00:42:26I want those twists bar-bound ASAP.
00:42:32Now that's your badge.
00:42:33You got me, sister?
00:42:37Move it.
00:42:45So, why don't you tell me something about yourself?
00:42:47Okay.
00:42:48All right.
00:42:49I'm 21 years old and I'm a Capricorn.
00:42:51I'm 5'7", 110 pounds.
00:42:53My measurements are 34C2434.
00:42:56My turn-ons include candlelight dinners, guys who make me laugh, and long bubble baths.
00:43:00And my goal in life is to make the world smile.
00:43:03But you know what?
00:43:06Lately, I've been having these thoughts, new thoughts.
00:43:10I just think that there must be more to life than sex.
00:43:14Gosh.
00:43:15I mean, it's always sex.
00:43:18Just sex, sex, sex.
00:43:21It seems like there might be something missing.
00:43:25Yeah, like love, perhaps.
00:43:28Love?
00:43:30What do you mean?
00:43:32Well, you know, love.
00:43:33When you have sex with someone that you love, the sex is better.
00:43:37Okay, so I'm supposed to have sex with the people that I love?
00:43:40Yeah, absolutely.
00:43:43But how do you know if you're falling in love?
00:43:45Well, that is the great mystery.
00:43:49Maybe it's something that you catch in a person's eye that touches you.
00:43:54Or maybe it's the way that that person treats you, the way that they understand, they listen.
00:44:01Let's make love right now.
00:44:05What?
00:44:06You want to make love now?
00:44:09I've got to go to the bathroom.
00:44:11What?
00:44:12You don't love me?
00:44:13No, it's not that.
00:44:14I just, you know, I should.
00:44:16Well, two seconds.
00:44:17Give me two seconds.
00:44:18Okay.
00:44:21So I found myself outside of San Antone around about midnight on a cold January eve.
00:44:26I was shacked up on an old Pentecostal church with Ruby Joe Greenberg.
00:44:29He was on foot now with old Chief Redclaw.
00:44:31He's out of Missoula way.
00:44:32Makes his living trading arrowheads for fire water and mescaline south of the border.
00:44:38He carries around a dream catcher.
00:44:39You want to take a bath and fuck?
00:44:44Yeah, okay.
00:44:47Some people say that it's not cheating if you're in a different state.
00:44:52So I don't really see how it can be cheating if you're in a different fucking dimension.
00:44:57You need to lighten up, bro.
00:45:00Come on.
00:45:01All right, here.
00:45:02Carl, here's what you do.
00:45:03All right?
00:45:04You go back in there and you man up.
00:45:07You know, I think you need to realize something.
00:45:10This is not a joke.
00:45:12All right?
00:45:13If we don't figure out what's what, we might be doomed here forever.
00:45:16I think you might be overreacting just a little bit.
00:45:20I mean, sure, things aren't going our way right now.
00:45:22But as soon as we work out the kinks, come on.
00:45:24Everything's going to be great.
00:45:25Look, it's just, you know, I have a life to get back to, you know, a real life.
00:45:29And wait a minute.
00:45:30You and I have a dog together.
00:45:33Charlie.
00:45:36Charlie, yeah.
00:45:38Okay.
00:45:40But I'm going to tell you what.
00:45:42If I give all this up, you have got to promise me right now that when you get back,
00:45:46you will at least try and make some changes in your life.
00:45:49I'm sorry.
00:45:50Wait.
00:45:51What does that mean?
00:45:52I don't want you going back and living your same shitty life, Carl.
00:45:55Wait a minute.
00:45:56I have a shitty life?
00:45:57You have the shittiest life, yes.
00:45:59You're about to marry a woman who's not going to let you be you.
00:46:02Not only that, she's turned you into a bitch.
00:46:05You're a little bitch.
00:46:06She took them.
00:46:07She owns them.
00:46:08And now you're a bitch.
00:46:09I don't even know you anymore.
00:46:10Whoa.
00:46:11Whoa.
00:46:12Whoa.
00:46:13Whoa.
00:46:14Whoa.
00:46:15Whoa.
00:46:16Come here.
00:46:17All right.
00:46:18So where should we look for the way to...
00:46:19Whoa.
00:46:20I'll tell you what.
00:46:21I've got a million ideas all brewing right up here.
00:46:22I can't wait to get working on them ASAP.
00:46:23But first, you're going to have to...
00:46:24You're going to have to let me take a bath.
00:46:25I'll be right back.
00:46:26Whoa.
00:46:27Whoa.
00:46:28Whoa.
00:46:29Whoa.
00:46:30Whoa.
00:46:31Whoa.
00:46:32Whoa.
00:46:33Whoa.
00:46:34Whoa.
00:46:35Whoa.
00:46:36Whoa.
00:46:37Whoa.
00:46:38Whoa.
00:46:39All right.
00:46:40You're going to have to let me take a bath.
00:46:41With Daphne.
00:46:42She's ready to rock.
00:46:43So if I get you to leave the bathroom, it'd be really great.
00:46:44Okay.
00:46:45So first thing tomorrow then?
00:46:46Oh, yeah.
00:46:47Totally.
00:46:48Tomorrow.
00:46:49Perfect.
00:46:50Looking forward to it.
00:46:51Have fun.
00:46:52Okay.
00:46:53Carl, that was the longest two seconds of my life.
00:46:54This is about right.
00:46:55Hello, puppy.
00:46:56I hope you brought some ice.
00:46:57Why would I need ice?
00:46:58Oh.
00:46:59Oh.
00:47:00Oh.
00:47:01Oh.
00:47:02Oh.
00:47:03Oh.
00:47:04Oh.
00:47:05Oh.
00:47:06Oh.
00:47:07Oh.
00:47:08Oh.
00:47:09Oh.
00:47:10Oh.
00:47:11Oh.
00:47:12Oh.
00:47:13Oh.
00:47:14Oh.
00:47:15Oh.
00:47:16Oh.
00:47:17Oh.
00:47:18Oh.
00:47:19Oh.
00:47:20Oh.
00:47:21Oh.
00:47:22Oh.
00:47:23Oh.
00:47:24Hey, wait here.
00:47:34Oh, I forgot.
00:47:44You're a tri-fi.
00:47:56You pledged in Dirty Talking Coeds 11.
00:47:59I knew that.
00:48:00So stupid.
00:48:01I don't know what you're saying to me.
00:48:07I don't speak that language.
00:48:09Bitch, yeah, Carl.
00:48:14Oh.
00:48:15Oh, my God, what is going on?
00:48:18That is the woman from the hospital who, um...
00:48:20Whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:48:21She what?
00:48:22I don't, I don't know her.
00:48:24Who, um, who hurt Lester.
00:48:27What a bitch.
00:48:29She puked on my face.
00:48:31Oh.
00:48:32You need to find another place to hide.
00:48:35Well, where?
00:48:36Um...
00:48:45All the places that Bambi could think of for us to hide.
00:48:47Hey, do I have puke in my eyebrow?
00:48:49No, I got all of it, I think.
00:48:52Lock it.
00:48:55How they doing?
00:48:57Everything okay?
00:48:59Look, you know, Bambi is really going out of her way to help us.
00:49:02And, by the way, so is Daphne.
00:49:05I just, you know, I just think we should make it easy on them.
00:49:08Not get them in any more trouble.
00:49:10You cocksucker, I knew it.
00:49:13You're into her, aren't you?
00:49:15She's cute, but, uh, you know, she's not even real.
00:49:18First of all, Bambi Cummings is the hottest of the hot, Carl.
00:49:22She is like microwave lasagna hot.
00:49:25And secondly, she wants you.
00:49:26And I don't know why.
00:49:27I mean, it's retarded to me.
00:49:28There's a million swinging dicks here.
00:49:29She could have anyone she wants.
00:49:31And she's chosen you.
00:49:33Bambi Cummings is real.
00:49:35She's real enough to touch.
00:49:37She's real enough to squeeze.
00:49:38And she's real enough to put her shit on the line for us.
00:49:41Okay?
00:49:42That's real.
00:49:51Good night, Carl. I love you.
00:49:52I love you, too.
00:49:53Shh.
00:49:54Made him say it.
00:50:03Oh, my God.
00:50:11Are we in a good mood today?
00:50:13I know.
00:50:14I just feel so, I don't know, you know.
00:50:17Is it Carl?
00:50:19You know about Carl?
00:50:21Of course, sweetie.
00:50:22Daphne told me.
00:50:24Oh, doesn't he sound like a cutie?
00:50:26Oh, he is.
00:50:28It's just I've never felt like this before.
00:50:30I think I'm in love.
00:50:33Love?
00:50:35Wow.
00:50:36What does that feel like?
00:50:37Oh, well, um, at first I can't get him out of my mind, you know.
00:50:41And then I get this pit in my stomach.
00:50:44And my heart's just pumping really hard.
00:50:46And it's hard for me to breathe.
00:50:48And then I get this headache.
00:50:50It's just so awesome, you know.
00:50:53Oh, wow.
00:50:56That's exactly how I felt after my first double penetration.
00:51:00You know what they say.
00:51:02You never forget your first.
00:51:03I know.
00:51:05Oh, babe.
00:51:07Oh.
00:51:27It's not here.
00:51:32What's not?
00:51:33What you're looking for, Carl.
00:51:35Hey, DJ.
00:51:37Can you just please tell me where the portal is so that I can get out of here?
00:51:43How about if I give you a hint, Carl?
00:51:45Okay.
00:51:46Yeah, please.
00:51:47Give me a hint.
00:51:48Your way home's not through something you can touch.
00:51:51But rather something you can feel.
00:51:56Okay?
00:51:57Okay.
00:51:58DJ, so if you're not going to show me how to get home,
00:52:01maybe you could give me some actual useful information, you know, like Rod.
00:52:06Why?
00:52:07Why is he chasing us all over town?
00:52:09Because that's his job.
00:52:11Rod's a cop.
00:52:14That's what cops do.
00:52:16They chase people around.
00:52:18That's what it is.
00:52:19I mean, it's like Bambi.
00:52:20Bambi's going to be the hottest damn sorority cheater there ever was.
00:52:24Sexy.
00:52:25I so want to kick your ass right now.
00:52:28I mean, I don't know if I could, but you're not helping me.
00:52:30You want to throw?
00:52:31I don't know if I have to beat it out of you.
00:52:33You want me to go Cobra on you?
00:52:35If you must.
00:52:36I'll take you down.
00:52:37Show me some feeling.
00:52:38I'm feeling.
00:52:39That's your adventure.
00:52:40I'll choose my own adventure, all right?
00:52:41Feeling.
00:52:42That's all I'm saying.
00:52:43Stop.
00:52:44Bang.
00:52:45Don't.
00:52:46That hurt.
00:52:47Wah.
00:52:48Come on.
00:52:50What a dick.
00:53:08I am so excited about trials.
00:53:11I'd do anything to meet this girl.
00:53:13Me too.
00:53:14There's absolutely nothing I wouldn't do.
00:53:17I just heard that they're short one judge and they might cancel tryouts.
00:53:22No.
00:53:26Now listen, sister.
00:53:27You want to play ball or what?
00:53:29Yeah.
00:53:33Hold on, cupcake.
00:53:38You want the alligator, you're going to have to spill the beans.
00:53:41No, I promised Bambi I wouldn't tell.
00:53:43Okay.
00:53:45No, no, no.
00:53:46Okay.
00:53:47Okay.
00:53:48On campus.
00:53:49Girls locker room.
00:53:51Hey, hey, hey.
00:53:53Cool your jets, chippy.
00:53:59I got the jump.
00:54:01Valley campus.
00:54:02Girls locker room.
00:54:03Over.
00:54:04All right, let's chill.
00:54:06Well, if he doesn't show up, we're going to have to cancel.
00:54:19Hey, it's timely.
00:54:21Car trouble.
00:54:23Let's get it on.
00:54:36Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:54:40Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:54:44Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:54:46She's a beauty.
00:54:51She's a queen.
00:54:54Don't wake me up now.
00:54:58This must be a dream.
00:55:02Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:55:06Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:55:10Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:55:15Bring it down, bring it down now.
00:55:23Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:55:33Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:55:35By the power vested in me as the coolest and best looking judge in the Valley, I hereby
00:55:41announce this year's cheer captain as Bambi Cummings.
00:55:48Thanks, Lester.
00:55:50I knew it.
00:56:02There he is.
00:56:14Open it, open it, open it, open it, open it.
00:56:16The big guys are coming.
00:56:17Open it.
00:56:18Open it.
00:56:21Uh-oh, key broke.
00:56:22Oh, God.
00:56:30Oh, word.
00:56:34Come on.
00:56:43Boobies.
00:56:49Why'd you have to fix this?
00:56:51I'm sorry.
00:56:52Fuck your car.
00:56:53I have a plan.
00:57:01His name is Busta.
00:57:04Busta Nutt.
00:57:06Wannabe rapper turned porn star.
00:57:08Directed a few low-budget videos for some no-named emcees.
00:57:12Hooked up with Diamond Jim and voila, the franchise was born.
00:57:15Okay, how does that help us get home?
00:57:17Dude's got a whole collection of old-school video-style games in the basement downstairs, Carl.
00:57:23Booth-style games.
00:57:25Feel me?
00:57:27Yes, okay, good, good, good, good.
00:57:31Really?
00:57:34Follow my lead.
00:57:37Yo, yo.
00:57:46What?
00:57:52Back the fuck up, bitch.
00:57:55Summer E.
00:57:56Hey.
00:57:57You...
00:57:58You know me.
00:58:00It's me.
00:58:01Look at my...
00:58:03Rumpa.
00:58:04Huh?
00:58:05Rumpa.
00:58:06Rumpa-thumper.
00:58:08Rumpa-thumper.
00:58:09Check this out.
00:58:10Okay.
00:58:12With the pop and the bang, bang, click back and the thumb up to the...
00:58:16You know what I mean, girl.
00:58:19Like that.
00:58:20There, and would you like a little bit of chicken?
00:58:26Alright, Rumpa, my brother.
00:58:27That's right.
00:58:28And this is my boy, PB&J.
00:58:30We call him Hot Carl.
00:58:31He likes it when girls poop on him.
00:58:33Tell her.
00:58:35I like it when girls poop on me.
00:58:38Very sick fuck.
00:58:39But we fit in here.
00:58:40So, girl, we just listen to music, saw the girls.
00:58:43So we come down, see what's crackling.
00:58:45Do I get a plus one?
00:58:47Come on in.
00:58:50Thanks, girl.
00:58:52I like your work.
00:59:09Nice.
00:59:12Oh, I'm stimulated.
00:59:15And discombobulated.
00:59:17I'm going to get all y'all pregnant tonight.
00:59:20I'm going to leave it in.
00:59:23You know you love that, huh?
00:59:25Damn, right there.
00:59:26Right there.
00:59:27Look at the pimple.
00:59:28That's busted.
00:59:29Busted nut.
00:59:30I love you because you never judged me on the fact that I was uncircumcised.
00:59:34I love that about you.
00:59:36You know my dick got a leg warmer on it.
00:59:38You still love daddy.
00:59:41He's a mad player.
00:59:42The motherfucking mastermind.
00:59:43Okay, can you just stop with that?
00:59:45Stop.
00:59:46And where's the thing?
00:59:47Oh, word.
00:59:48Sorry.
00:59:49Yeah, the time machine portal thingamabob.
00:59:51Probably going to find that over there VIP down the stairs.
00:59:54Oh, you.
00:59:57Oh, my God.
00:59:58Is that Carl?
01:00:01And why is he going over there?
01:00:03Oh, maybe that's where his spaceship is.
01:00:09Damn.
01:00:13Hey, sugar.
01:00:14Hi.
01:00:15Hi.
01:00:16Want to party?
01:00:17Uh, yeah.
01:00:18Okay, we'll party.
01:00:19Um, I have to eat.
01:00:21Can we just party a little bit?
01:00:34Okay.
01:00:36You both look great.
01:00:38Bye.
01:00:43Bam Bam.
01:00:45What's wrong?
01:00:47Where is he?
01:00:49We're out of here.
01:00:58Here's your drink.
01:01:00May I?
01:01:04Yes.
01:01:05Do you want some?
01:01:06Yeah.
01:01:07Mmm.
01:01:08Oh, it's warm.
01:01:09Yeah.
01:01:20I said, man.
01:01:21I said, what?
01:01:22Motherfucker, you're crazy.
01:01:23I stuck my plow cup right up in his pork steak for sure.
01:01:25For sure.
01:01:28Ain't no motherfucker spit it like my brother Rambo.
01:01:31No.
01:01:32Smoke?
01:01:33Yeah.
01:01:34Yeah.
01:01:35That's two.
01:01:36Did it?
01:01:37Yeah.
01:01:41I'm smoking crack.
01:01:44Literally.
01:01:46Excuse me.
01:01:49I'm.
01:01:50Oh, I know one of them.
01:01:52Hey.
01:01:53Yo.
01:01:54Yo, my boy.
01:01:55Bitches suck this motherfucker's dick.
01:01:57Do it.
01:01:59Yo, dog.
01:02:02Give him some car wash.
01:02:04Let's look over here, my nigga.
01:02:08What the?
01:02:10Uh.
01:02:11That's cool, man.
01:02:12Uh.
01:02:14He's a motherfucking turd in a punch bowl.
01:02:16Little crack ass.
01:02:18But he's my, he's my boy.
01:02:22I'll just be right back, okay?
01:02:23Save my spot.
01:02:24Tap, tap.
01:02:25You better go get that motherfucker.
01:02:30Holy shit.
01:02:32Here it is.
01:02:34Alright.
01:02:35Well.
01:02:37Go ahead and get in.
01:02:40You're not coming.
01:02:43I love you, but I struck the lottery here, bro.
01:02:47I belong here.
01:02:56If this thing works, you can ride it back anytime you want.
01:02:59And who knows?
01:03:00Maybe even sometimes I'll come for holidays.
01:03:02Like Kwanzaa.
01:03:05Alright.
01:03:06Well.
01:03:08Bye.
01:03:09Bye.
01:03:15There we go.
01:03:16Holy shit, it works.
01:03:19Alright.
01:03:22What the fuck is this?
01:03:27It looks like some kind of video game where you have to use the cock to shoot all the titties.
01:03:31Well.
01:03:32Well.
01:03:33Looks like you're screwed.
01:03:35Should we go back upstairs?
01:03:37You said this was gonna work!
01:03:39Make it work!
01:03:44Sorry, you died.
01:03:54Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah.
01:04:03Yeah, yeah, another one.
01:04:05One more.
01:04:06Let's go!
01:04:19Freeze!
01:04:21What the fuck?
01:04:29What kind of bitch-ass motherfuckers you think we are?
01:04:32You think those are motherfucking guns?
01:04:34This here's a motherfucking gun!
01:04:40Ain't that right, my man?
01:04:42What the?
01:04:44You ain't no motherfucking romper.
01:04:47I. It was.
01:04:49Check that out!
01:04:52You motherfuckers!
01:04:54And don't come around here!
01:04:55I'll beat the Grizzly Adam shit out of you!
01:04:58You Andy Griffith looking motherfucker, get to dancing again.
01:05:06You're on your own!
01:05:08Don't look at me!
01:05:09Don't look at me!
01:05:14So I know that didn't go so well.
01:05:17Didn't go so well?
01:05:18No, check it out.
01:05:19Don't give me that look.
01:05:20I've got the cure, Carl.
01:05:22We got our way out of here.
01:05:24Two words.
01:05:26Babysitter orgy.
01:05:27Oh my God!
01:05:29There's a house down here that I recognized from earlier.
01:05:31I knew I recognized it, but...
01:05:33Oh my God, I'm trapped here forever with you.
01:05:38Say that like it's a bad thing.
01:05:42I should have never listened to you.
01:05:45You work in a liquor store.
01:05:49And now you dragged me into your porn-fueled world.
01:05:57You're the biggest loser I know.
01:06:01I deserve this.
01:06:03Really.
01:06:04So thanks.
01:06:05Is that right?
01:06:06Yeah.
01:06:07You know what, Carl?
01:06:08Boo-hoo!
01:06:09Yeah!
01:06:10Oh, I'm Carl!
01:06:11Oh, there's too many boobies!
01:06:13How could you do this to me, Lester?
01:06:15How could you bring me to the greatest place on the Earth?
01:06:18You know what?
01:06:19What about me?
01:06:20I should be getting laid.
01:06:21Two at a time.
01:06:22Twice a day.
01:06:23But no.
01:06:24I gotta deal with your whining ass all the time.
01:06:25Oh, I'm sorry.
01:06:26Yeah, I'm the one who gets kicked in the balls over and over and over, and I'm laying in my own puke, and then that thing at the hospital...
01:06:33You don't say a word, but don't tell nobody.
01:06:38You know what?
01:06:39To hell with you.
01:06:40To hell with me.
01:06:41Yes.
01:06:42To hell with me.
01:06:43Right.
01:06:44To hell with you.
01:06:45Okay?
01:06:46No.
01:06:47You.
01:06:48Double.
01:06:49I got...
01:06:50These are all for you.
01:06:51Alright?
01:06:52Go.
01:06:53Get laid.
01:06:54Enjoy.
01:06:55Enjoy.
01:06:56I will.
01:06:59You're a baby.
01:07:00Come on.
01:07:03Hey.
01:07:05Are you...
01:07:07Shh.
01:07:13Oh.
01:07:14Did I order a pizza?
01:07:16Gee.
01:07:17Maybe I got the wrong house.
01:07:18What kind of pizza is it?
01:07:20Extra large sausage and giant meatballs.
01:07:24Mmm.
01:07:25That sounds yummy.
01:07:28I'm taking your car, pizza boy.
01:07:31It's my world.
01:07:34Hee hee.
01:07:35What's up, pizza boy?
01:07:39I love you.
01:07:40I love you, too.
01:07:42I'm takin' your car, pizza boy, it's my world!
01:07:51What's weird?
01:07:53You know what?
01:07:56Fuck you!
01:07:59Nothing's ruining my night.
01:08:02Good night, Disneyland.
01:08:05Hey, Pammy.
01:08:08It's me.
01:08:11What's wrong?
01:08:19How could you?
01:08:22Uh, how could I what?
01:08:24I thought you were different.
01:08:27What are you talking about?
01:08:29I saw you tonight. With those girls.
01:08:33With which girls?
01:08:36So now you're gonna lie to me?
01:08:38Oh, no, those girls. No, no, no, no, I can explain.
01:08:41No, I don't wanna hear it. I saw what I saw, and that's that.
01:08:44No, baby, really, it is not what you think.
01:08:46No, Carl, you hurt me.
01:08:50And I don't ever wanna see you again.
01:08:53And to think I ever loved you, Carl.
01:09:04Thank you, God.
01:09:07Oh, my God, did we, like, order a pizza?
01:09:11You didn't?
01:09:13Who cares? I'm, like, totally starving.
01:09:17Oh, but we don't have any money.
01:09:20Oh, my God, is there, like, any other way we could pay you?
01:09:26I'm sure we could think of something.
01:09:31That was just inside for a second.
01:09:33Don't sell yourself short, stud muffin.
01:09:36You are harder than Chinese math.
01:09:38Thanks, sweet tits.
01:09:40But seriously, who steals a pizza cart?
01:09:43I'm kicking an arch.
01:09:45Now go pin your diapers on and dangle.
01:09:51Breaker, breaker.
01:09:53Dust out the chopper squad.
01:09:55I got the buzz on the hot feet.
01:09:57Oh, Roger.
01:10:00It's called the nervous game.
01:10:03Oh, my God, I'm, like, so scared.
01:10:05Stop.
01:10:07Seriously.
01:10:08So what you do is you put one hand on each other.
01:10:12Start.
01:10:14Not yet.
01:10:15Starting with each other's heads.
01:10:18Then you move slowly down, pausing to ask, are you nervous?
01:10:24And if the answer's no, then you keep moving.
01:10:28And the game doesn't stop until someone says, that makes me nervous.
01:10:33But what if nothing makes me nervous?
01:10:35Then you keep going and going and going and going.
01:10:40Okay, start.
01:10:43Are you nervous?
01:10:58No.
01:10:59Are you nervous?
01:11:00No.
01:11:06Are you nervous?
01:11:08No.
01:11:12Are you nervous?
01:11:17No.
01:11:22Are you nervous?
01:11:25Did you guys hear something?
01:11:30Now you're making me nervous.
01:11:37That is your boyfriend.
01:11:39It's not my boyfriend.
01:11:41Hello.
01:11:42Anybody at home?
01:11:46I am the pool boy, and I have come to clean your pool.
01:11:50Oh, and it's so dirty.
01:12:03Wait, we don't even have a pool.
01:13:04Fuck this place, Carl.
01:13:28Oh, come on, Bama.
01:13:30DJ's parties always cheer you up.
01:13:32Put on a happy face.
01:13:37Oh, you did the right thing by getting rid of that car.
01:13:41I know, I think I made a horrible mistake.
01:13:43And I miss him so much it hurts.
01:13:46I wonder what he's doing right now.
01:13:52Oh God, so that's it, huh?
01:13:55Yep.
01:13:58Well, what's the plan?
01:14:11Bambi!
01:14:14Daphne, come over here, you sweet things.
01:14:16Uh-oh.
01:14:18Why the long puss, sweet cheeks?
01:14:20She'll be fine.
01:14:21She just needs to relax.
01:14:23Well, you came to the right place.
01:14:25Give me a seat.
01:14:27Come on now.
01:14:28Just sit down.
01:14:29You tell DJ what's going on.
01:14:31Well, there's this boy that I met, and I treated him bad.
01:14:37And now I feel bad.
01:14:38That's so sad.
01:15:01Fuck!
01:15:04Ah!
01:15:15Um, sorry.
01:15:35Oh, God.
01:15:50Oh, great.
01:15:51Excellent.
01:15:52What's this?
01:15:53Oh, this one too.
01:15:54Oh, that's nice.
01:15:55Okay.
01:15:56Give it up, kinks.
01:15:57Or else you're both going to get the broads.
01:16:01What's that?
01:16:02I don't know what that is.
01:16:03I don't know what that is.
01:16:04I don't know.
01:16:06I just met a teen twister.
01:16:08Do it.
01:16:09Try it.
01:16:10Leave!
01:16:11Leave!
01:16:12It's not working.
01:16:21Come on.
01:16:22Fuck.
01:16:23Okay.
01:16:32No.
01:16:34Okay.
01:16:35Now he's...
01:16:36Please, please, please, please.
01:16:37Not today, Rod Cannon!
01:16:40Get him, Paul!
01:16:51Oh!
01:16:55Oh!
01:16:56Ben!
01:16:57Ben!
01:17:00What the hell is going on?
01:17:02I am about to red light these hot pads back to the Hoot Scout!
01:17:06Well, just stuff it, Rod.
01:17:08DJ, we just want to go home.
01:17:10Yeah.
01:17:11I mean, we can't figure out why we're here.
01:17:13And by the way, none of us learned a damn thing.
01:17:18Is that right?
01:17:19So you guys just want to give up the journey.
01:17:22Is that right?
01:17:23Exactly.
01:17:24Yeah.
01:17:29If that's what you really want.
01:17:30That's exactly...
01:17:31Yes.
01:17:32Positive.
01:17:33Okay.
01:17:34Then just do as I say.
01:17:35Cup your balls.
01:17:36Give them a squeeze.
01:17:37And say, there's no place like home.
01:17:40There's no place like home.
01:17:49There's no place like home.
01:17:51There's no place like home.
01:17:52There's no place like home.
01:17:53There's no place like home.
01:17:57You're a daredevil.
01:17:58This guy's a fool.
01:18:00Ah, the bull's right up there.
01:18:04Just step inside and off you go.
01:18:06Go.
01:18:07Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
01:18:09Hold the phone.
01:18:10He already said it.
01:18:11Hold the phone.
01:18:12Sorry, guy.
01:18:13Are you just going to kick these Trouble Boys' skip out?
01:18:15Will you shut up, Rod?
01:18:18Seriously, what crime did these guys ever commit, anyway?
01:18:20Well, I mean, I'm not sure specifically.
01:18:23I mean, I'm going to check the statues and everything when I get a chance.
01:18:27Yeah, why don't you do that, Rod?
01:18:29Why don't you check the statues?
01:18:30You're the sharpest cop on the force.
01:18:32And, Rod, you're fired.
01:18:35Excuse me?
01:18:42So, what are you guys waiting for?
01:18:51What?
01:18:52What?
01:19:00Carl, come on.
01:19:02Let's go.
01:19:16I guess you learned something important here after all.
01:19:19Well, I did, D.J.
01:19:22I learned what true love really is.
01:19:25Oh, Jesus.
01:19:28I love you, Carl.
01:19:30I love you, Bambi.
01:19:34What happened?
01:19:35What did you do to my friend, Diamond Jim?
01:19:45Bambi?
01:19:51Bambi?
01:19:53So, then I remember. It hits me.
01:19:55Wang, the one rule in this land.
01:19:58You can't fall in love.
01:20:00Well, D.J., that's so unfair. I love him.
01:20:03Oh, Jesus Christ.
01:20:06In this land, you can't have that feeling.
01:20:09Okay, I'm sorry.
01:20:12Yeah, that's tough, sweetie.
01:20:14Tough break.
01:20:15Hey, listen, it's been really great getting to know you all.
01:20:17Hey, uh, Lester?
01:20:19Are you sure that you really, really want to go?
01:20:22Yeah, bro. I think I learned my lesson.
01:20:25What was that?
01:20:26This place is not what I expected it to be.
01:20:29Okay?
01:20:30My nuts can't take anymore.
01:20:34And I don't mean in a good way.
01:20:36Well, there's one more thing that you should know before you go.
01:20:39Oh, yeah. Diamond Jim, what's that?
01:20:41Lester.
01:20:44I am your father.
01:20:47What?
01:20:51That's my son!
01:20:53Prince to the eye!
01:21:02Carl!
01:21:04Where the hell have you been?
01:21:06It's been two days. And do you know what that means?
01:21:08That means it's Sunday.
01:21:10And do you know what Sunday is?
01:21:12Sunday is food tasting day at the club with my parents.
01:21:16But...
01:21:17What the fuck happened to your ceiling?
01:21:19Uh, I had to take it off.
01:21:21No, no, no.
01:21:22I don't want to know.
01:21:23Because right now, we're going to go to the club,
01:21:25we're going to meet my parents,
01:21:27and we're going to have a nice time.
01:21:29Okay?
01:21:30And tomorrow, you will explain everything.
01:21:32Okay.
01:21:33So go get changed.
01:21:34Okay.
01:21:35Lester!
01:21:42No!
01:21:45What did you say?
01:21:50I said no.
01:21:52No?
01:21:53Oh.
01:21:54No to what?
01:21:56No to everything.
01:21:59No to picking up your parents,
01:22:02and no to going to the food tasting at the club,
01:22:05and also no to ever explaining anything to you!
01:22:10You know what?
01:22:11You are going to regret this, mister.
01:22:13Oh, really?
01:22:14Are you sure?
01:22:15Are you sure I am?
01:22:16Do I look like I'm going to regret it?
01:22:18Are you sure?
01:22:19Look closer!
01:22:20Get the hell out of here!
01:22:21Go! Get!
01:22:23DJ, isn't there anything you can do?
01:22:25I mean, I know the rule, but can't you make an exception just this once?
01:22:28Bambi, you know you've always been my favorite,
01:22:31and I would do anything in the world to make you happy.
01:22:34Then please help me, please.
01:22:36Oh, come on, DJ.
01:22:38Do our girls right.
01:22:43What?
01:22:44What?
01:22:45What?
01:22:46What?
01:22:47What?
01:22:48What?
01:22:49What?
01:22:50What?
01:22:52Well, let's just see what the DJ can do.
01:22:55All right?
01:22:56All right.
01:23:00Thank you, thank you.
01:23:02There he is.
01:23:03He's coming out of it.
01:23:05All right?
01:23:06Hey, son.
01:23:07How are you doing?
01:23:08You're here, you're back.
01:23:10You're the prince of the valley.
01:23:13How do you like your life?
01:23:18I love you, Dad.
01:23:19Are you sure you still want to go?
01:23:27No!
01:23:28No!
01:23:29No!
01:23:35I never liked him anyway.
01:23:50All right.
01:23:59You're watching the Diamond Zone,
01:24:01America's top adult network.
01:24:03Up next...
01:24:04What's up, buddy?
01:24:06It's Lester, Double Wine Walks here,
01:24:08coming straight at you.
01:24:10Are you ready to get it on?
01:24:13What?
01:24:14And now for a sampling of some of my new super hot hits.
01:24:19What do you mean you can't pay me?
01:24:21I've cleaned the pool, though.
01:24:27Oh, okay.
01:24:29Consider your pipes plumbed.
01:24:37Are you ready for your deposition?
01:24:43That's right, baby.
01:24:46And now, a special delivery just for you.
01:24:49The hottest piece of ass this side of the Mississippi,
01:24:53Miss Bambi Cummings.
01:24:56No, no, no.
01:25:09Wow.
01:25:15Wow.
01:25:22Oh, God.
01:25:38Bambi?
01:25:46Bambi, is that you?
01:25:48Yeah, it's really me.
01:25:50But how?
01:25:51When your journey ended, it turned out mine had just begun.
01:25:54Your journey?
01:25:55Yeah, see, Carl, you came into my life
01:25:57and showed me what I was looking for.
01:25:59And then DJ told me if I wanted true love,
01:26:02I'd have to go after it myself.
01:26:04So you gave up your life there to be with me?
01:26:08Carl, I'd do anything to be with you.
01:26:11You'd do...
01:26:12Anything.
01:26:13Anything.
01:26:24See, Carl?
01:26:26I told you I'd always have your back.
01:26:29That's right, buddy.
01:26:31Since third grade dodgeball.
01:26:33Lester, what are you doing?
01:26:35What am I doing?
01:26:36I'm just having the time of my life.
01:26:38Two at a time.
01:26:39Twice a day.
01:26:43Looks like you have your hands full, too, Carl.
01:26:46Yeah.
01:26:47Thanks, man.
01:26:49The pleasure's all mine.
01:26:52See you at Kwanzaa, buddy.
01:26:54Yeah, I'll see you at Kwanzaa.
01:26:58You know, they say I'm the best of the best.
01:27:01Mm-hmm.
01:27:02Think you can handle me?
01:27:04Definitely.
01:27:13And every time I walk out my door
01:27:18I'm thinking maybe I should make some plans with you
01:27:23Because you're the one that I adore
01:27:28And everywhere I go
01:27:31I can't stop thinking of you
01:27:33Oh, baby, won't you get with me?
01:27:38And everything I see
01:27:41I think of you and me
01:27:43Oh, baby, won't you get with me?
01:27:46Uh-huh, yeah
01:27:48You can be my lady
01:27:50There's nothing that we can't do
01:27:53Come and look me deep in the eyes
01:27:58Don't give me the runaround
01:28:00I'm gonna get with you
01:28:03Even if it takes all night
01:28:06That's right, yeah
01:28:08And everywhere I go
01:28:10I can't stop thinking of you
01:28:12Oh, baby, won't you get with me?
01:28:17And everything I see
01:28:20I think of you and me
01:28:22Oh, baby, won't you get with me?
01:28:26Uh-huh, yeah
01:28:28You've been such a big part of my life
01:28:33I don't know what to say
01:28:35I don't know why
01:28:38I keep coming back for more
01:28:43But you gotta show me
01:28:45What this love is for
01:28:50I'm gonna get with you
01:28:53I'm gonna get with you
01:28:55I'm gonna get with you, baby
01:28:59I'm gonna take you over, baby
01:29:03You're gonna be mine, baby
01:29:05I'm gonna need a girl like you
01:29:08And everywhere I go
01:29:10I can't stop thinking of you
01:29:13Oh, baby, won't you get with me?
01:29:18And everything I see
01:29:20I think of you and me
01:29:23Oh, baby, won't you get with me?
01:29:26Uh-huh, yeah
01:29:28And everywhere I go
01:29:30I can't stop thinking of you
01:29:33Oh, baby, won't you get with me?
01:29:38And everything I see
01:29:40I think of you and me
01:29:43Oh, baby, won't you get with me?
01:29:46Uh-huh, yeah
01:29:49And everything I see
01:29:51I think of you and me
01:29:53Oh, baby, won't you get with me?
01:30:04Choke on them, punk.
01:30:07Choke.