No 1 Best Comedy and Full Romance Movie For ever
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00What do you want, Javi?
00:00:04Stop the music!
00:00:06Oh, it's Chris!
00:00:08Oh no, Dick! It looks like it's his knee! This could be serious!
00:00:11Oh, this hurts just to look at!
00:00:14I've been having nightmares like that since my accident.
00:00:32But I'm no Debbie Downer. I got right back to work.
00:00:357,008! 7,009!
00:00:37Easy, Chris. Don't put so much pressure on it.
00:00:39Can we be positive? Will Smith, in the pursuit of happiness, was positive.
00:00:42He got the job at the end. I'm going to the NBA.
00:00:45I got 50 more.
00:00:48And yes, I had a mohawk. I'm not proud of it.
00:00:52And speaking of the pursuit of happiness, no matter what happens, I have Kim by my side.
00:00:58This is a painting I did of us in my cartooning class.
00:01:01I think next I want to learn animation.
00:01:03Oh, and oil paints.
00:01:05Kim says I should write out my name, but I kind of like it when it's just the C and the L.
00:01:10To be honest, I kind of love art even more than basketball.
00:01:16But as Kim always says, you can't make money with art.
00:01:24Happy anniversary!
00:01:34If you looked up bozo in the dictionary, you might see this image.
00:01:37God, I hate that mohawk.
00:01:39What's with the suitcase?
00:01:42Don't be so emotional, Chris.
00:01:44Was I being emotional? I don't think I was being emotional.
00:01:47I think there was normal emotion.
00:01:49I don't have time for this.
00:01:51Daddy's waiting. Everything's in the note.
00:01:53What? Whoa, slow down.
00:01:56Kim, Kimmy, where are you going?
00:02:00And this is when Kim told me how she really felt.
00:02:02You're an art major.
00:02:08I know.
00:02:12I thought you loved my paintings.
00:02:16Kim, not you too.
00:02:18Kim, you can't listen to what coaches and doctors and physical therapists and everyone else at this school says.
00:02:23I'm getting drafted.
00:02:25You're delusional.
00:02:27Wake up.
00:02:28Kim! Kim!
00:02:34Man, that mohawk looks stupid.
00:02:37People will tell you to follow your dreams until you fall short.
00:02:42Then, they'll call you delusional.
00:02:58But sometimes when you hit rock bottom, certain people come into your life that you would least expect and change it forever.
00:03:27The year was 2012, the year in which I was supposed to be competing for NBA Rookie of the Year.
00:03:33But instead, I was working at a small, sweaty gym, making minimum wage.
00:03:40And for the record, I did graduate, and that's when it hit me.
00:03:43What the hell am I going to do for a living?
00:03:46I was offered a lot of jobs in the sports world, but to be honest, I just haven't wanted to face it.
00:03:53Sweat Heart, a gym you shouldn't work out at.
00:03:56Sweat Heart, a gym where no one sweats hard.
00:03:59Located deep in the valley, away from the glitz and glamour of Hollywood.
00:04:05People keep telling me I need therapy, especially my co-worker Missy.
00:04:09Missy tells me I need therapy every day.
00:04:14Todd, the gym owner's son, the manager of this place, was in pottery class with me.
00:04:20Guy couldn't make a vase to save his life, but he offered me a job here.
00:04:28In addition to working in this gym, my full-time job is trying to not be bitter.
00:04:50Don't be so emotional, Chris.
00:04:59Emotional, Chris?
00:05:01You're an art major.
00:05:03Art major.
00:05:05You're delusional. Wake up.
00:05:07You're delusional. Wake up.
00:05:10Excuse me.
00:05:17There are so many membership packages, I'm like totally not sure what I want.
00:05:22Oh my god, you look so familiar. Do we know each other?
00:05:29Oh my god, no way.
00:05:33You played for LA Tech, didn't you?
00:05:38OMG, you're that basketball guy, right?
00:05:42Can I help you ladies?
00:05:44Um, you work here now?
00:05:51I like totally do. Oh my god, right? Like, isn't that like totally like crazy?
00:05:59Are you mocking us?
00:06:02Yeah.
00:06:04Do you want a membership or what?
00:06:07Thank you. Come again.
00:06:09Excuse me. Young ladies, excuse me. Hi, I'm Missy.
00:06:12Young ladies, excuse me. Hi, I'd like to meet you.
00:06:14Holy bejesus, Chris.
00:06:17She really, really gave it to him, huh?
00:06:21Bitches, right?
00:06:22Are you gonna let him speak to our customers like that?
00:06:25What? They didn't buy anything. Did they buy? They didn't buy anything, did they?
00:06:30Okay.
00:06:35Okay, so I might not have the best customer service, but can you blame me?
00:06:40This scantily dressed human is another co-worker of mine.
00:06:44What's up, dick spit?
00:06:46Bobby.
00:06:47See the numbers on my YouTube video? I'm up 204 views.
00:06:51About to make that sneezing panda my bitch.
00:06:53Bro, you're getting the floor all wet.
00:06:55You're getting the kitchen all ugly.
00:06:57Hey, Chris.
00:06:58Don't you dare talk to her.
00:06:59I'm not even talking to you.
00:07:02You getting smart with me, huh, you tall fuck?
00:07:05I'm an orange belt. I will ruin you.
00:07:07Are we done?
00:07:08I'm never done, Chris. I got 20 more laughs and an hour more worth of legs.
00:07:11And I'm not gonna stop until I feel like I'm back in college and there's a fucking party in the quad.
00:07:19God, I love Mondays.
00:07:22That's Giselle.
00:07:24Pretty sure she hooks up with everyone.
00:07:26Kind of want a popsicle now, too.
00:07:33What you're looking at are the gym's pipes.
00:07:37Flooding our neighbor, Ivana's salon, with sewage.
00:07:42Meanwhile, at our morning meeting, our staff gets along swimmingly.
00:07:47And I know because I fly through finance at our work.
00:07:49Okay, calm down. We're not gonna have to close down.
00:07:52I don't think.
00:07:53You stinky pigs. Do you realize you have a business?
00:07:56Unattended, outside.
00:07:58Anybody?
00:08:00Okay.
00:08:01This is Ivana.
00:08:03She definitely abuses Adderall.
00:08:05And your gross sewage pipes are leaking stank into my salon.
00:08:09It's no wonder the pipes are leaking.
00:08:11I told you the week before that.
00:08:13Everything in this gym is broken.
00:08:15Including the staff.
00:08:20Oh, this is cute. Oh, really? This is mature, guys.
00:08:22What is this? West Side Story? Did you rehearse this?
00:08:24Very good. All right.
00:08:26If you put this much effort into your gym, maybe it wouldn't suck so fucking bad.
00:08:31Smell that. It's much better.
00:08:33I think her hair is shitty.
00:08:39Honestly, I'm at my breaking point.
00:08:42Asking myself every day, do I believe in second chances?
00:08:47And yes, I also have a sweating problem.
00:08:52Doctors say it's tied to my anxiety.
00:08:54But I definitely don't need therapy.
00:09:02Hello, Chris.
00:09:05You look a little bit down.
00:09:07Maybe I can cheer you up with a little bit of a tap dance.
00:09:11This is Dre.
00:09:13Missy's husband.
00:09:15Can bench press the building.
00:09:26What are you doing?
00:09:32I have an audition as a British tap dancer.
00:09:36How'd I do?
00:09:37And yet, he's the one in the healthy relationship.
00:09:39Paycheck time!
00:09:45What are you guys talking about? Sports?
00:09:50You know, I've been hit with a few dodge balls back in my time.
00:09:55You should get a hoop out back, huh?
00:09:57Play a little b-ball?
00:09:59I don't play basketball anymore, Todd.
00:10:01What?
00:10:03This guy, what?
00:10:05Are you kidding? Why not?
00:10:07You're the best, man. He's here by you all the time.
00:10:09Chris Long, scores 30.
00:10:11Chris Long's unstoppable.
00:10:13My guy thought you were the greatest.
00:10:17He got real excited when I told him we were on the same team now.
00:10:21Let's imagine that this ticket right here represents all of my hopes and dreams.
00:10:27Or better yet, my ACL.
00:10:29Okay.
00:10:33Whoops.
00:10:35There go those.
00:10:37Hope you didn't need them, Chris.
00:10:39This is not my life.
00:10:41This is someone else's life.
00:10:45Pardon me.
00:10:51Jack guy.
00:10:54And that was the moment I met the one and only Jack Guy.
00:10:59He immediately put us all on edge.
00:11:01But not to be a total hater,
00:11:03his cologne was kind of amazing.
00:11:05Jack Guy.
00:11:07Is that even a real name?
00:11:09Don't be jealous of his awesome name.
00:11:11Todd said not all of us are going to get fired.
00:11:13I think some of us are getting fired.
00:11:15The changes are coming, Todd.
00:11:17It's going to be awesome.
00:11:19Can you keep the lock on that door for me?
00:11:21I'm heading to Starbucks for a green tea latte.
00:11:23I'll be back in 20 minutes.
00:11:25Schmitty! What the hell's going on, bro?
00:11:27Let's hit that club tonight. Yeah.
00:11:35Todd.
00:11:39What's up?
00:11:41You tell us, motherfucker.
00:11:43We have a new owner. What about your dad?
00:11:45He said he was tired of losing money on our business just to keep me employed.
00:11:49Which is what he would have strapped up 30 years ago.
00:11:53I suck.
00:11:55Do you know he currently holds the title of the world's first ever male supermodel?
00:11:57I held that title on.
00:11:59This is Buzz.
00:12:01He's like an unofficial employee.
00:12:03He's here all day, every day.
00:12:05Guy's like 91.
00:12:07That's a title.
00:12:09We're going to be so successful. What the fuck is he doing here?
00:12:19He dated Kate Beckinsale.
00:12:21Cameron Diaz.
00:12:23And he's currently married to Adriana Lima.
00:12:25The Victoria's Secret supermodel?
00:12:27He asked me to marry him once.
00:12:33I bet you even his dick has a six pack.
00:12:35Not anymore.
00:12:37I bet you $10 he has a couch made of nothing but chinchilla fur.
00:12:39And he gets out of the pool wet.
00:12:41And he sits on it.
00:12:43Just because he doesn't give a fuck.
00:12:49Oh.
00:12:51And he was an all Ivy League quarterback for Yale.
00:12:53Record breaker.
00:12:55Senior year.
00:12:5728 touchdowns.
00:12:59In one game.
00:13:01That was like my resume.
00:13:03How do you know all this?
00:13:05I googled Facebook, Myspace, Wikipedia, and Twittered him.
00:13:07Plus he told me.
00:13:09Holy Sherlock.
00:13:11Check her out, Holmes.
00:13:15And this was someone
00:13:17who is not usually around here.
00:13:21Whoa.
00:13:23She looked like an angel.
00:13:25Who was she?
00:13:27Where did she come from?
00:13:29Maybe she's looking for a trainer.
00:13:31Maybe I could be that trainer.
00:13:33Maybe we could train together.
00:13:35Maybe this is the beginning of something special.
00:13:37Of course.
00:13:41Mr. Guy's got some moves.
00:13:43But I can tell you exactly what he's saying.
00:13:45Hi, I'm Jack. Jack Guy.
00:13:47I'm a supermodel.
00:13:49And I throw footballs incredibly far.
00:13:51I'm married, but I'd still like to bend you over the hood
00:13:53of my incredibly expensive midlife crisis sports car.
00:13:55Oh my God.
00:13:57Your name is Jack Guy?
00:13:59That is so cool.
00:14:01And your wall is so big.
00:14:03If you treat me like shit, I promise
00:14:05I will love you forever.
00:14:09Missy's right, dude.
00:14:11I need therapy.
00:14:13Bro, you wear a speedo.
00:14:15Did you guys hear the good news?
00:14:17We're gonna be on TV!
00:14:21I'm gonna be famous.
00:14:23Yes! Yes! I've been training for this my whole life.
00:14:27It'll be just like the iconic hit TV show.
00:14:29The Office.
00:14:31But unscripted.
00:14:33And set in a gym. It'll be great.
00:14:35We'll have competitions. We'll have awards.
00:14:37Those are the basics
00:14:39of the reality show.
00:14:45The less you know, the better.
00:14:47But let me be clear on one thing.
00:14:49There will be no favorites.
00:14:51We are a team.
00:14:53Everybody's gonna get
00:14:55plenty of screen time.
00:15:03And I'd like the world to get to know
00:15:05each and every one of you.
00:15:07Because I sense greatness in this room.
00:15:09And speaking of the cast,
00:15:11I thought we needed
00:15:13a little bit more of a zen aspect
00:15:15in this place. So I'd like you to meet
00:15:17your new yoga instructor.
00:15:19Namaste, my humans.
00:15:21My earth name is Niles.
00:15:23My cosmic name
00:15:25is Baba Guru
00:15:27Yogi Ji.
00:15:29But you may call me once we attain enlightenment
00:15:31in our practice together.
00:15:33If this guy thinks I'm calling him
00:15:35Baba Guru Yogi Ji,
00:15:37he's got another thing coming to him.
00:15:39Namaste.
00:15:41I have a question.
00:15:43What if we don't want our lives on display?
00:15:45Ha ha ha ha!
00:16:01Everybody wants the limelight.
00:16:03And the best part about this?
00:16:05This is only the beginning
00:16:07of the dumbbells experience.
00:16:09Dumbbells?
00:16:11That's our new name.
00:16:13Dumbbells. 25-8.
00:16:1525-8?
00:16:17Exactly. Because 24-7 is for pussies.
00:16:19Wear dumbbells
00:16:21all the time.
00:16:23Speak for yourself.
00:16:27So does that mean
00:16:29we get extra hours?
00:16:31Negativo. Operating hours remain the same.
00:16:33So then how can we be called
00:16:3525-8?
00:16:37Perception
00:16:39is reality.
00:16:41Dumbbells, 25-8,
00:16:43but we're still open from 6 to 9.
00:16:45In today's economy, reality shows
00:16:47that we're proving to be a very viable
00:16:49mechanism to boost business profits
00:16:51by as much as 300%.
00:16:53And speaking of percentages,
00:16:55I need everybody to give that little bit extra.
00:16:57So if you've been at 100,
00:16:59I need you at 150.
00:17:01And if you've been at 10%,
00:17:05I suggest a complete
00:17:07attitude adjustment.
00:17:11Fuck this guy.
00:17:13Fuck this guy.
00:17:15500%. I'm done.
00:17:17I thought about going pro, but
00:17:19I had so many modeling offers, I figured
00:17:21I don't want to risk an injury.
00:17:23Someone else's diet.
00:17:25Or education. That's great.
00:17:27I love that.
00:17:31Cliff, can I help you?
00:17:33Actually, it's Chris.
00:17:35He's, uh,
00:17:37good-looking.
00:17:39Ha ha.
00:17:41Too bad he's also married.
00:17:47I know.
00:17:49I'm Jack's niece, Rachel.
00:17:57Chris.
00:17:59My office. Ten minutes. Sharp.
00:18:09Jack?
00:18:11Yes.
00:18:13You wanted to see me?
00:18:15Yeah. We need to talk.
00:18:23I can come back.
00:18:25No, no. Right now.
00:18:31I have two troubling words for you.
00:18:35Jack.
00:18:37Jack.
00:18:39Cock block.
00:18:43So you were hitting on your niece?
00:18:45It's a metaphor.
00:18:47This show
00:18:49is like my
00:18:51fat cock.
00:18:53And nobody is gonna
00:18:55block it.
00:18:57I just wanted to say bye.
00:18:59H. Hi.
00:19:016 a.m.? 6 a.m.
00:19:03Sharp.
00:19:05Wow. Cool fish.
00:19:07You like it?
00:19:09Yeah.
00:19:11It's yours. Take it. What? Really?
00:19:13It was Todd's. I'm sure he's just gonna throw it away.
00:19:15Let's find the fish a home.
00:19:17Consider it to be my gift to you
00:19:19for helping out on the show.
00:19:21Thank you. You're welcome.
00:19:23I'll see you bright and early, okay?
00:19:25Yeah.
00:19:29Let me just make it
00:19:31really, really simple for you.
00:19:33Either you're a cock block
00:19:35or a dumbbell.
00:19:37You need to choose.
00:19:53Honey, I'm home.
00:19:55There's my MVP.
00:19:57I made your favorite.
00:19:59Wow.
00:20:01Everything looks
00:20:03absolutely wonderful, dear.
00:20:05Nice buzzer-beating dunk over Dwight Howard
00:20:07tonight.
00:20:09You'd think he would've learned from last time.
00:20:15I've set the table, but
00:20:17what do you say we start with dessert
00:20:19first?
00:20:21This is not my life.
00:20:23This is someone else's life.
00:20:31Chris, my man.
00:20:33What is up?
00:20:35You're a nice guy. I wanted to tell you this in person.
00:20:37Alright?
00:20:39Look, you're evicted, man. You can't live here anymore.
00:20:41What?
00:20:43Yeah. You're getting evicted.
00:20:45You can't live here anymore.
00:20:47It's horrible. Terrible stuff going on.
00:20:49Your car's being towed down the stretch right now, too.
00:20:51I don't know if you wanted me to tell you.
00:20:53Awesome.
00:20:55Hey, wait a second. Have you been working out?
00:20:57You look nice.
00:20:59You look nice, man.
00:21:01And Klein?
00:21:03I'll come back.
00:21:05Alright. Talk to you later.
00:21:07That was my boss
00:21:09on the phone, and he saw you coming in
00:21:11and, good news, he actually thinks you look like
00:21:13a professional basketball player.
00:21:15Isn't that great?
00:21:17Does that mean I get the loan?
00:21:19What? No. God no. Not even.
00:21:21Were you serious about that? No. You have no assets
00:21:23to speak of, besides the size of your balls
00:21:25for even asking for that amount of money.
00:21:27But look, okay,
00:21:29I understand, alright?
00:21:31You're desperate, alright? Everything's falling apart.
00:21:33If I can offer you some advice,
00:21:35get the fuck out of my office.
00:21:39Being on a reality show was not
00:21:41at the top of my list.
00:21:43The last thing I wanted to do was share my reality with anyone.
00:21:45But Jack Guy was paying a thousand bucks
00:21:47up front, and that bought me more time
00:21:49with my landlord.
00:21:51I wouldn't say we made it,
00:21:53but we made it through.
00:21:55We just had moves to make,
00:21:57and we made them, dude. I wouldn't say we made it,
00:21:59but we made it through.
00:22:01We just—
00:22:03You're an idiot.
00:22:05Yo, Mookie, you owe me ketchup, dude. A full bottle
00:22:07of ketchup.
00:22:09Just ask for it.
00:22:11Everybody eatin' all the same,
00:22:13but we made it through.
00:22:15Hey!
00:22:17Good morning, Dumbbell.
00:22:19Check out the new unis.
00:22:21Not bad, huh?
00:22:23You get the sleeves.
00:22:25So what do you think?
00:22:27You don't waste any time.
00:22:29Yep.
00:22:32Dreams do come true.
00:22:36Hey, I'm glad you didn't pull LeBron on his teammate.
00:22:42That's me.
00:22:44Go team.
00:22:45Come on.
00:22:46Day one of the rest of your life.
00:22:48Let's do this.
00:22:53Let's do this.
00:23:06Small.
00:23:07Thank you, Jack Guy.
00:23:17Uh oh.
00:23:20Really?
00:23:22Ah, now we're talking.
00:23:39What's the wedding problem?
00:23:40That's twenty bucks on me.
00:24:02This better be good shit.
00:24:09Since when do you get to the gym during serious training hour?
00:24:12We're filming a show, aren't we?
00:24:14Since when do you want to do the show?
00:24:17Bobby, stop talking to me.
00:24:20Oh.
00:24:21What are you oh-ing about?
00:24:24Got a little thing for Jack's niece, huh?
00:24:27So, I guess you made up with my uncle.
00:24:31Hi.
00:24:32Hi.
00:24:33Hey.
00:24:34Wow.
00:24:35Uh, you look fit.
00:24:40All right, well, this is awkward.
00:24:45I'm going to go shoot glutamine in my ass.
00:24:49So, you're the Chris Long.
00:24:52You didn't think I'd figure it out, did you?
00:24:55I didn't really take you for the basketball thing.
00:24:59Wait, basketball?
00:25:00No, I was referring to the fish.
00:25:02It was signed Chris Long.
00:25:05The painting.
00:25:06Right.
00:25:07Yes.
00:25:08Duh, me.
00:25:09I'm impressed.
00:25:10You were able to read my signature?
00:25:13Most people tell me it just looks like a C and a star.
00:25:16Why didn't you say anything?
00:25:18Oh, you seem so happy.
00:25:21Who was I to interfere?
00:25:23Right?
00:25:24I can't believe you painted that.
00:25:27It's so cute.
00:25:30Well, thank you.
00:25:32I'm glad that you liked it.
00:25:34I named him Frank.
00:25:36Frank the fish.
00:25:37Do you mind?
00:25:38What?
00:25:39That you stole my painting or that you renamed Belvedere?
00:25:44Okay, good morning, everyone.
00:25:46Welcome to the Dumbbells experience.
00:25:49We're going to have a lot of fun today.
00:25:51But first, I'd like us all to give a big, warm Dumbbells welcome to our very own Dumbbell Girls.
00:25:58And I'd also like us to give a big hand to our very acclaimed director, famous for his award winning short, I think it's HPV, Mr. Sterling Leboeuf Jones.
00:26:17I'm pretty sure this guy doesn't realize he's in America.
00:26:27Thank you, Sterling.
00:26:29So now we're going to do a little B-roll.
00:26:31So please, do me a favor, just pair up, work out, and most importantly, just mingle.
00:26:37Pretend like we're not even here.
00:26:39But it is television.
00:26:41So remember, it's all about looking hot.
00:26:44But please, don't sweat.
00:26:46Okay, let's do this.
00:26:48Dumbbell teams out.
00:26:53We're partners, right?
00:26:56But then I discovered what I loved was psychotherapy.
00:27:00Psychotherapy?
00:27:02Yep, I'm going to be a therapist.
00:27:04Really?
00:27:06What? You sound surprised.
00:27:08No, it's just kind of funny because people are always telling me that I need therapy.
00:27:12Great stuff. Keep going. I love the honesty.
00:27:16Physical therapy, I mean.
00:27:19And that is why I work out here.
00:27:23Let's get some dumbbells.
00:27:27Can you believe this shit?
00:27:29Yeah, it's a total exploitation of women.
00:27:32I'm talking about Chris.
00:27:34He's actually talking to her as if she's a person.
00:27:37Ooh.
00:27:39You obviously don't like talking about women.
00:27:42Ooh.
00:27:44So you obviously don't like talking about basketball.
00:27:47So what I want to know is other than adorable fish, what else do you paint?
00:27:51I don't really paint that much anymore.
00:27:54You're good. Keep at it.
00:27:57Are you drinking soda?
00:27:59Are you out of your fucking mind? I don't put that shit in my body.
00:28:02I'm downing some cock.
00:28:04Cellular oxygen creatine.
00:28:06A liquid formula that triples my amino acid circulation while quadrupling my recovery time by five.
00:28:10Plus it tastes like cherries.
00:28:13Yeah, well, I'm the captain of the gymnastics squad.
00:28:17I'm going to get a quick drink from the water fountain.
00:28:20Okay, so I'll be right back.
00:28:22Okay. Oh, did you drop something?
00:28:35How's the date going?
00:28:37It is not a date.
00:28:39It looks like a date from over here.
00:28:41It is not a date.
00:28:43Just tell her how you feel.
00:28:47Hey, why is only one of your pits Niagara falling?
00:28:53Okay, are we ready for the exciting time of the show?
00:28:58Come on, gather around, gather around.
00:29:04You could be something to all these people.
00:29:06Keep your voice down.
00:29:08Okay, we are still shooting.
00:29:10Namaste.
00:29:12I can't have cameras rolling 25 feet.
00:29:15But the gym is only open from like 6 to 9.
00:29:23Are you guys ready to meet your celebrity host?
00:29:25Come on, come on, all right.
00:29:28Now this is a personal friend of mine.
00:29:31And he just happens to be one of the iconic sex symbols of our era.
00:29:37Is he Buffy?
00:29:39No, no.
00:29:40Oh my God, is he Matthew McConaughey?
00:29:43No.
00:29:44Hulk Hogan?
00:29:45Will you shut the fuck up, people?
00:29:47Let me do this, all right? Come on.
00:29:49Okay.
00:29:51Drum roll, please.
00:29:53Drum rolls, girls, please.
00:29:55Take your places.
00:29:58All right, with great pleasure,
00:30:01I would like to introduce the one,
00:30:05the only,
00:30:07the fabulous,
00:30:10Fabio!
00:30:12Yes!
00:30:18Yes, I'm fucking stoked.
00:30:20Have you tried his protein powder?
00:30:22It's fucking fantastic.
00:30:24It's fucking fantastic.
00:30:54It's fucking fantastic.
00:31:14So what did you do?
00:31:15Did you try rehabilitating it or something?
00:31:19I did, I did.
00:31:21And it was going really good, too.
00:31:23I was making really good progress
00:31:25at some of the best physical therapists there were.
00:31:27The Miami Heat even invited me to their summer league.
00:31:31Wow, that's amazing.
00:31:34I mean, the truth is,
00:31:36I was never better than 50% after my injury.
00:31:44It's crazy how life takes us in directions we least expect, huh?
00:31:49Tell me about it.
00:31:50Hey, turd face!
00:31:52Some icky blonde tramp just threw up in front of my salon.
00:31:57And we can hear your music blasting.
00:31:59Ivana, listen, okay?
00:32:01I know when you were a little brat,
00:32:03your dad gave you all the puppies and ponies you wanted,
00:32:05but in the adult world, you can take a time out.
00:32:08Well, time fucking in, mister.
00:32:12It wasn't a pony, it was a stallion.
00:32:14And his name was Prancer, and he was perfect.
00:32:16And now he's dead, so fuck you.
00:32:19This computer's, like, 70 years old.
00:32:22Let's get out of here.
00:32:23What was your mother?
00:32:26And this is the point in the story where I realize
00:32:30I haven't been this happy in a really long time.
00:32:33Turns out Jack Guy's not so bad after all.
00:32:37Jim's busier than ever.
00:32:39And dare I say, I'm smitten.
00:32:49Are you kidding me?
00:33:07Hello?
00:33:08Hey, Chris, it's Kimmy.
00:33:10Miss me? Of course you do.
00:33:12Oh my gosh, Daddy and I just got back from San Tropez.
00:33:15You would not believe it.
00:33:16I am so tan, but, like, perfect, not too tan,
00:33:18because that's gross.
00:33:19It's, like, the best skin color ever.
00:33:34You okay?
00:33:35Yes, I'm fine.
00:33:39You don't sound fine.
00:33:41I'm fine.
00:33:47I know that look.
00:33:49What's your name?
00:33:56Okay, I know what to do.
00:34:03Get comfortable.
00:34:05What are you doing?
00:34:07Bro, therapy saved my life.
00:34:12What is with everybody?
00:34:15I don't need therapy.
00:34:17She said she loves me.
00:34:22Guess what, Kim?
00:34:24I don't want to play in the NBA anyway, you materialistic buck.
00:34:27If she loves me, why does she leave?
00:34:30Why don't you go wipe your teeth again?
00:34:32Why don't you throw up that hamburger in the toilet again?
00:34:34You didn't think I could hear it?
00:34:35I can hear it every time.
00:34:37She didn't even say goodbye.
00:34:39She left a note.
00:34:41It wasn't even grammatically correct.
00:34:44And you know what else?
00:34:45That painting that I did for you?
00:34:47Guess what?
00:34:48It was runner-up in the Santa Monica Amateur Arts Festival
00:34:51two years in a row, Dutch!
00:34:53I guess what bothers me the most
00:34:55is obsessively pondering over what I could have been.
00:34:58My true potential.
00:35:00An NBA star, league MVP,
00:35:03happily married to Kim,
00:35:05or anything other than what I am now.
00:35:10Chris, sometimes we need to lose everything that we think we want
00:35:14in order to discover who it is that we really are.
00:35:17That's deep.
00:35:19It's a magnet in my refrigerator.
00:35:22$4.95, I can show you the place where I get them.
00:35:24They're amazing.
00:35:26She told me if I passed the exam,
00:35:27I could work for her father's real estate company.
00:35:30$75,000 starting salary.
00:35:35She goes on a retreat,
00:35:37and now, all of a sudden, she appears.
00:35:40I mean, where's she been?
00:35:41And why do I still give a shit?
00:35:44If you didn't give a shit, you'd be just like her.
00:35:47Be thankful.
00:35:49You know what? You're right.
00:35:51You're absolutely right.
00:35:53Don't beat yourself up, pal.
00:35:58That injury?
00:35:59It's probably the best thing that could have happened to you.
00:36:01That injury saved your life.
00:36:05I don't need her, and I don't need her daddy's money.
00:36:09I've got things going on in my life.
00:36:12I've got Jack gone.
00:36:15That's right, brother.
00:36:16I've got dumbbells at 25.8, right?
00:36:21You know, Jack, I am feeling really good right now.
00:36:26And I don't know if it's just the 14 energy drinks,
00:36:30but my knee feels amazing.
00:36:33I mean, look at this.
00:36:36Everybody should try therapy once, huh?
00:36:42Hey, don't ask.
00:36:43Did you forget to lock the door last night?
00:36:45I was a little tipsy.
00:36:46Wait, do you hear music?
00:37:04I used to think maybe you loved me
00:37:08Now, baby, I'm sure you do
00:37:10Good morning!
00:37:13And I just can't wait till the day is done
00:37:16Who wants breakfast? Energy drink?
00:37:21Hey, there he is.
00:37:24Day two, baby.
00:37:26Ready to do this, buddy?
00:37:28Nice wheels.
00:37:31Hey, Jack.
00:37:33Hey, something wrong?
00:37:35I've been an a-hole, a jerk, to both of you.
00:37:39And I want you to know that
00:37:42I think you're both equally amazing.
00:37:45These were my issues that I was dealing with.
00:37:49The check bonds, you asshole.
00:37:51Come on. Really?
00:37:54There must be some mistake.
00:37:55Fabs, you know I'm good for it.
00:37:56Listen, don't call me Fab. It's Fabio.
00:37:59Fabio.
00:38:00E-o.
00:38:01Fabio.
00:38:02Yeah, Fabio.
00:38:03E-o.
00:38:04Yeah, E-o. E-o, you idiot.
00:38:06BT dubs?
00:38:09I like Rachel.
00:38:11There, I said it.
00:38:12I don't even care if she's standing right behind me.
00:38:13I like Rachel.
00:38:15I really like Rachel.
00:38:18She's smart, funny, flexible.
00:38:22I might try poking her later.
00:38:24Facebook-wise, of course.
00:38:27Saul, call me back for the fourth time.
00:38:30Where the hell are you?
00:38:31I've got a huge problem.
00:38:36What's wrong?
00:38:39Fabio quit.
00:38:44Oh.
00:38:45Why?
00:38:46Because he's a dick.
00:38:48And the check I wrote him bounced.
00:38:50Probably didn't help.
00:38:52Oh.
00:38:53I've got my money manager on it.
00:38:55But what it means is I've got everybody here,
00:38:57but I've got to send them home and still pay for them.
00:39:00You should host the show.
00:39:01You're always doing modeling campaigns.
00:39:03You're used to being in front of a camera.
00:39:05Why don't you do it?
00:39:07Come on, buddy.
00:39:08You can host this show.
00:39:09Hell, you threw 28 touchdowns in a single game.
00:39:13That was in a season.
00:39:18That does make more sense.
00:39:20Yeah.
00:39:21Kind of thought it was bullshit when I first heard about that.
00:39:24That's irrelevant, okay?
00:39:25Because you did rush for 300 yards with the stomach flu
00:39:29on a bad ankle, did you not?
00:39:31How do you even know that?
00:39:32I googled Facebook, MySpace, Wikipedia, and Twittered you.
00:39:35Plus you told me last night right before we power-napped.
00:39:41We're all looking through the point of view of our own reality tunnel, man.
00:39:45And every reality tunnel is different.
00:39:49You know Wikipedia says that Fabio's protein is better than water?
00:39:53Okay.
00:40:17What did you do with my lashes to make my eyes pop?
00:40:19Perfect. I love that.
00:40:22Ready to roll, Sterling?
00:40:27What's going on?
00:40:28Why is Jack getting concealer applied?
00:40:30His skin is perfect.
00:40:32I've used a lot of cleanser.
00:40:33That's what keeps my skin smooth.
00:40:35Fabio quit.
00:40:36Jack's the host.
00:40:37And Greece is a fucking alien.
00:40:39Hi, Jack.
00:40:40Hi, Todd. What's up?
00:40:42I was trying to upload the footage to your Mac from yesterday,
00:40:46like you told me,
00:40:47but for some reason it doesn't seem that the footage actually recorded.
00:40:51What?
00:40:55Sterling, just hold on for a second, alright?
00:40:59How is that possible? I mean, how could that be?
00:41:0332 gigabytes of beer.
00:41:12I don't know.
00:41:14Sterling, did you know about this?
00:41:28I don't understand one fucking word you're saying.
00:41:31Does anyone here speak idiot?
00:41:34What?
00:41:35Alright, just fuck it. You know what?
00:41:38You need something done, right? You gotta do it yourself.
00:41:40Just roll, Sterling. I'm ready to go. Let's do this.
00:41:44Fuck.
00:41:47Fucking bitch.
00:41:48Are you the owner of this establishment?
00:41:50I am.
00:41:51I'm with the Department of Health.
00:41:53And pardon the pun,
00:41:54but you need to get your shit together!
00:42:01Have a nice day.
00:42:03Okay.
00:42:09On.
00:42:10Zon.
00:42:11La.
00:42:12Action!
00:42:19Hello, America.
00:42:23We're in the gym.
00:42:2728-5.
00:42:3020-25.
00:42:32Dumbbells.
00:42:3325-8.
00:42:36Is it Fitness Center or is it gym?
00:42:41Is it gym?
00:42:42Okay.
00:42:44I can't!
00:42:45I can't work like this!
00:42:47This is impossible!
00:42:56Hello, America.
00:42:58To be or not to be.
00:43:00That is the question.
00:43:03Ah, shit pancakes!
00:43:06You gotta be shitting me right now!
00:43:08This is my fucking opportunity!
00:43:10Son of a bitch!
00:43:12Motherfucker!
00:43:16Everything's okay.
00:43:17It's just a coincidence that all my checks are bouncing.
00:43:20Stone travels a lot.
00:43:22It's always hard to get a hold of.
00:43:23Uncle Jack?
00:43:25Hello, Rachel.
00:43:27Are you okay?
00:43:28Just having a few communication issues.
00:43:31You know what I just thought of?
00:43:33Why don't you call Adriana?
00:43:36She would make a perfect host.
00:43:38Problem solved.
00:43:39Great idea!
00:43:40Yeah, Adriana!
00:43:43Adriana left me five months ago.
00:43:47Oh.
00:43:50Is this Octorian related?
00:43:52Octorian?
00:43:54He was in a cult for 20 years.
00:43:56What, Catholicism?
00:43:58No, they worshiped a star, Octoris.
00:44:01Oh.
00:44:02They worshiped a star, Octoris.
00:44:05Of course.
00:44:06But he escaped.
00:44:09Hey.
00:44:11Yes, he did.
00:44:13Yeah.
00:44:14Oh!
00:44:15Look at that!
00:44:16Things are looking brighter already.
00:44:18See that?
00:44:19Literally brighter.
00:44:20And there he goes, folks.
00:44:22Money manager Saul Rosenblatt-Steinberg is being indicted
00:44:25on accusations of running a Ponzi scheme involving some of Hollywood's biggest names,
00:44:31many of whom are linked to the alleged cult known as Octorian Lifestyles,
00:44:35which was first exposed by famous model and former member Jack Guy,
00:44:39who was also a victim in this tragic turn of events.
00:44:43Jack Guy had his demons, too, like all of us.
00:44:46Adriana never loved me.
00:44:48She said she did, but she didn't.
00:44:51She went away on a photo shoot and she never even came back.
00:44:54I didn't join the cult, mother!
00:44:57No one joined the cult!
00:44:59I was brainwashed!
00:45:01She told me I was some German photographer with a photo of her.
00:45:04I said, I don't care.
00:45:06I don't care.
00:45:08I was brainwashed!
00:45:10She told me I was some German photographer with a ponytail.
00:45:13They told me I was saving the world.
00:45:15It said, sign here. You'll help save the world.
00:45:17I signed.
00:45:18What would you do?
00:45:20Dirk.
00:45:21Dirk the jerk.
00:45:23And to answer your question, yes.
00:45:25Yes!
00:45:26I did think the spaceships were coming.
00:45:29I guess what bothers me the most is that no one ever seems to take me seriously.
00:45:34I mean, even in the cult, my nickname was Dipshit.
00:45:38Therapy did the trick again, but the truth still remained.
00:45:41Jack Guy was flat broke, and now he couldn't pay his landlord.
00:45:46Once again, I'm really, really sorry.
00:45:50But in light of everything that's happened,
00:45:54unless some sort of miracle occurs,
00:45:57I strongly encourage all of you to explore other employment opportunities.
00:46:01Three days of working here and you get us shut down?
00:46:08She's pregnant.
00:46:13You are the best, best, best, best.
00:46:16Chrissy Pooh, I love you.
00:46:18You are perfect in every way.
00:46:21Except for one itty bitty teeny little tiny thing.
00:46:26Loser.
00:46:27You're a fucking loser!
00:46:29Loser!
00:46:30Don't be so emotional, Chris.
00:46:32Loser! Loser!
00:46:34Loser! Loser!
00:46:36You're an art major.
00:46:38Loser!
00:46:39This is not my life.
00:46:41Loser!
00:46:42This is someone else's life.
00:46:44Loser.
00:47:00We take the underprivileged kids that I work with to the park
00:47:03to get some outdoor activity.
00:47:06I was thinking maybe you could come by and show them some basketball moves or something.
00:47:15Yeah, that sounds awesome.
00:47:25You're early.
00:47:27I figured I could use some practice.
00:47:33Let's play some basketball.
00:47:45Tadah!
00:47:47I figured we'd have to eat, right?
00:47:50Check it out.
00:47:51Hey Boo Boo, I got this picnic basket from the park ranger myself, Boo Boo.
00:47:57Yogi Bear.
00:48:01Okay, let's do this.
00:48:03Let's do this.
00:48:04Let's do this.
00:48:05Let's do this.
00:48:06Let's do this.
00:48:07Let's do this.
00:48:08Let's do this.
00:48:09Let's do this.
00:48:10Let's do this.
00:48:11Let's do this.
00:48:13Okay, let's eat.
00:48:15First up, my famous homemade macaroni salad.
00:48:18Chris.
00:48:19Next up is a 1981 bottle of Merlot given to me by my great grandmother over a decade ago
00:48:25for a special occasion.
00:48:27And lastly for dessert, peach and raspberry cobbler pie.
00:48:38Oh, I'm sorry, you wanted to say something.
00:48:43If you're such a superstar player, how come you can't dunk?
00:48:47Well, I actually used to be able to dunk pretty well back in the day, so.
00:48:51I still don't think you can.
00:48:55Seriously, Manny, I got ten baseball cards that says you can't.
00:49:02Alright, okay, let's be nice.
00:49:06Manny!
00:49:12Matthew!
00:49:18Chris!
00:49:19Chris!
00:49:20Chris!
00:49:21Chris!
00:49:22Chris!
00:49:23Chris!
00:49:24Chris!
00:49:25Chris!
00:49:26Chris!
00:49:27Chris!
00:49:28Please God, don't make me look stupid in front of Rachel and all these kids.
00:49:36Chris!
00:49:37Chris!
00:49:38Chris!
00:49:39Chris!
00:49:40Chris!
00:49:41He wasn't good enough, he was different than every kid
00:49:44The way deep down inside there was a genius within
00:49:47And his heart was a golden hope, his fever the wind
00:49:50He was so sick and tired of all these people sleeping on him
00:49:52Though he woke up, got attacked by the evils again
00:49:55And his family's poor, they swore he would feed them again
00:49:58But on his way out there goes the grim reaper again
00:50:00They put him in the Coliseum to be food for the lions
00:50:03But he cut right through him like the man on Brian
00:50:06Hey baby, huh? I got back early!
00:50:09Huh? What's going on?
00:50:11Look at you, you look, uh, healthy
00:50:14What's up with all the rugrats, huh?
00:50:17Wow, Chris! I'm really sorry, I never saw that one coming
00:50:21Yeah, me neither, Manny, me neither
00:50:25Is this like a charity thing or homeless people thing?
00:50:33Yes, no, that's, hey, that's fair, you know, that's how you feel, so
00:50:37Yes, for sure, okay, see you at lunch
00:50:40All right, well, uh, listen, uh, that was my boss
00:50:44And, uh, he saw you coming in, and good news, he thinks you look like a movie star
00:50:48Yeah, an action hero, hi-yah!
00:50:51So, ga-ga-ga-ga-ga
00:50:53Love, daddy, I love you, stuff
00:50:56So, does that mean I have the love?
00:51:00No, oh God, no
00:51:02No, in fact, I believe his words were, get him out of my building
00:51:06Um, I'm not really sure, because when he gets angry, he yells in Korean
00:51:09Which is weird, because he's from Europe, alone
00:51:12No, that's, no, you're not even close to getting alone
00:51:15Uh, you have no assets to speak of, like, whatsoever
00:51:19It's, uh, it's kind of embarrassing, actually, a man of your age
00:51:22In fact, you owe a ton of people a ton of money
00:51:24So, let's hope they're not Italian
00:51:27Chris, Chris, wait up, Chris
00:51:30Yeah, what's up?
00:51:32I'm sorry, look, I meant to tell you
00:51:34Don't be silly, look, it's totally cool, I just, uh
00:51:37What time is it? I promised a friend that I would, uh, help him move today
00:51:40I gotta, I gotta get to Ikea
00:51:42Chris
00:51:43It's totally cool, you're engaged, not a big deal
00:51:45I mean, he looks like a successful guy
00:51:47Chris
00:51:48Look, I, I just came to help you with the kids, right?
00:51:49Babe, you ready?
00:51:52It was nice meeting you, Cliff
00:51:54Yeah, you too, it was
00:51:55Excuse me
00:51:56Yeah, no, I took care of that
00:51:59I swear to God, you call me again like that
00:52:01No, just make the deal
00:52:05I'm sorry, what were you saying?
00:52:08It was nice to meet you
00:52:10And by the way, thanks for helping Rachie out, you know
00:52:12I know those semen demons can be a handful, right?
00:52:14I know
00:52:16By the way, which one's your chariot?
00:52:19You mean my car?
00:52:20Exactly
00:52:21Okay, um, yeah, well, you know, I actually walked because it was such a nice day, so
00:52:25I'm gonna go
00:52:26With a fucked up knee like that?
00:52:28Bullshit, she calls shotgun, get in
00:52:31Huh?
00:52:32Where's Manny?
00:52:33Who?
00:52:34Manny?
00:52:35You can give me a handy later, let's go
00:52:55What the fuck was that?
00:52:57Fucking pterodactyl
00:52:59Oh, jeez
00:53:28You are a total fuck up
00:53:31You're tired of your resistance and your incompetence
00:53:35The end of days is upon us
00:53:37The spaceships are coming and you shall learn your lesson
00:53:41No, no, not there, anything but there
00:53:52You're evicted
00:53:54It hurts me, bro
00:53:56It hurts me, bro, I'm sorry
00:53:59Cleb, are you a Titanic DVD?
00:54:01Are you serious?
00:54:03Smells good in here, man
00:54:05You still owe me Sleepless in Seattle
00:54:06That was yours?
00:54:07Get out of here
00:54:08I gave that back to you
00:54:09You did not give it back to me
00:54:10Say it, I gave that back to you
00:54:11You did not give it back to me
00:54:12I'll get your DVD, dammit
00:54:13I'll get it back to you, yeah
00:54:26I don't give a shit
00:54:37Harold, look
00:54:38Surprise
00:54:51Wha...
00:54:52What are you doing here?
00:54:55What do you mean? What am I doing here? I've come back to you.
00:55:00Um...
00:55:04Kim, uh, you... you should go.
00:55:10Why?
00:55:16Chris, I know that you think I wasn't very nice to you in the past, but we were kids then.
00:55:23$100,000?
00:55:27Oh, okay. Alright, Kim, Kim, Kim, I need to know.
00:55:31What?
00:55:32Why now?
00:55:33Oh, why not now and morning?
00:55:35No, why now all of a sudden? Do you want to be with me?
00:55:39Chris, I've always loved you, and when you got hurt, I was scared.
00:55:50Jack?
00:55:53Oh, shit! Oh, my God. Holy pigeon shit.
00:55:59Here's to two hearts becoming one, my beloved Kimmy and Chris. Salute.
00:56:03Cheers, sir.
00:56:06Here we are, princess. Fat-free, sugar-free, gluten-free, vegan lettuce cups, minus the rice and the oil,
00:56:13which I'm sure is much tastier than your chef always makes it.
00:56:17Uh, is that corn?
00:56:23Yes. No, it is not. It is, it is, it is corn.
00:56:30It is, or is it?
00:56:31It is, if I'm being truthful about it.
00:56:34It is corn. It is corn.
00:56:36Here you go.
00:56:40That's bad?
00:56:54Daddy? Daddy?
00:56:59I'm so sorry. I'm a horrible person, and I will go improve myself around the corner.
00:57:06How difficult is it for this restaurant to get it right?
00:57:10Right!
00:57:19So, as you can see, the living room is very spacious.
00:57:23Well, I see that there's a pool, but where is the tennis court?
00:57:29We were told this property has a tennis court.
00:57:32Where do we go when the servants are cleaning the house?
00:57:37There's a ping-pong table in the basement.
00:57:40How dare you!
00:57:42I have not been practicing my backhand for nothing!
00:57:46And why is there so much furniture in this room?
00:57:49Well, ma'am, sometimes we give prospective buyers an idea of what it will look like once they move in and furnish the, uh...
00:57:55It's pretty shitty trim. Who did it?
00:58:01Jack?
00:58:06Jack who? See you in the union?
00:58:12He's speaking to you, dimwit.
00:58:16I'm sorry. I'm suffering from explosive diarrhea.
00:58:20I will be right back.
00:58:23I suggest you take a shit!
00:58:32Jack?
00:58:33Call me Lone Star. Lay low.
00:58:36Lone Star?
00:58:38Yeah.
00:58:39That's what you want me to call you?
00:58:41Yeah.
00:58:42Lone Star?
00:58:43Yeah.
00:58:44That's what we're going with?
00:58:45Absolutely.
00:58:46Sure. What's up, Lone Star?
00:58:48I can't let you do this.
00:58:50Do what?
00:58:51This. Look at you.
00:58:54Look at me? Jack, look at...
00:58:56Lone Star.
00:58:57Lone Star, look at you.
00:59:02Do I look good as a brunette?
00:59:04I think it brings out my eyes.
00:59:07Jack.
00:59:08Lone Star.
00:59:09Lone Star.
00:59:10You look insane. This is insane.
00:59:19Bianca. Bianca, where are you? You've got to see this. You're not going to believe this.
00:59:23Bianca!
00:59:24Bian...
00:59:25He's it?
00:59:26No.
00:59:27Look, I'm happy right now, okay?
00:59:30I've got my life together. I've got money.
00:59:33I can pay my rent for the first time, and I don't even know how long.
00:59:36Kim and I are happy. Things are great.
00:59:39No, everything's great, huh?
00:59:40Oh, come on. Open your eyes.
00:59:42Is this really what you want?
00:59:44You are a foul, loathsome young man.
00:59:48Loathsome?
00:59:49I'm going to call your office and file a complaint.
00:59:54She had the nerve to say,
00:59:56this is a basketball expert that my uncle sent here to help us today.
01:00:00I mean, it was so... I looked like a fool, Jack.
01:00:03Lone Star.
01:00:04Lone Star. I completely misread the entire situation.
01:00:07You didn't misread anything.
01:00:09Her lame-o fiancé, Clay, the guy's been playing with her for years.
01:00:12Don't you see? Clay is Rachel's Kim.
01:00:14The guy is always away on business trips, coming and going like the breeze.
01:00:18The poor girl's been left feeling lonely, confused, and sad.
01:00:21But he's not the right guy for her. We've all known that.
01:00:24But Rachel didn't realize it until she met you.
01:00:27She said that?
01:00:29Not exactly, but I know that's what she thinks.
01:00:32Jack!
01:00:33Lone Star.
01:00:34Lone Star.
01:00:35The cult tried to kill my dreams.
01:00:37I'm never going to let anybody ever do that again.
01:00:39Don't give up on Rachel, buddy.
01:00:41And more importantly, don't give up on yourself.
01:00:43You deserve better than this. This...
01:00:46She...
01:00:48She...
01:00:49Vile, vile, vile, vile!
01:00:52This isn't your life.
01:00:55This is somebody else's life.
01:01:06Wow, Jack, this is freakishly good.
01:01:09One good thing about being in the cult,
01:01:11planning to take over the world every day makes you very meticulous and a great strategist.
01:01:15Apparently.
01:01:16Oh, you know what else we should do?
01:01:18We should do a whole grassroots social media marketing campaign.
01:01:21Alright, let's get to work.
01:01:23I'm going to get a little more comfortable here.
01:01:30Chris.
01:01:32Kim.
01:01:35Dude, she is hot.
01:01:36You're not helping.
01:01:38I love you, Jeff.
01:01:40Be strong.
01:01:42Who was that, and what were you two doing?
01:01:44Just my friend Lone Star.
01:01:48Daddy's waiting, okay?
01:01:50Kim.
01:01:56I'm leaving.
01:01:57I know, we have to go.
01:01:59No, I'm leaving alone.
01:02:02We're not driving to Daddy's separately.
01:02:05I'm not going to Daddy's.
01:02:08Okay, this, us, it's over.
01:02:12Your jokes aren't even funny.
01:02:14Goodbye, Kim.
01:02:17Oh, God, is he being emotional again?
01:02:21Don't be so emotional, Chris.
01:02:23You're an art major.
01:02:25You're delusional.
01:02:27Wake up.
01:02:32You know what, Kim?
01:02:34I'm a camper.
01:02:36You know what, Kim?
01:02:37I'm a cancer.
01:02:39And we are emotional, art majoring,
01:02:42empathetic, fish painting motherfuckers.
01:02:47Have a great life.
01:02:48Oh, and you wake up.
01:03:07God, I feel amazing.
01:03:08I feel like I could climb a mountain or something.
01:03:11Why are we in a Prius?
01:03:12I thought you had a Lamborghini.
01:03:14I had to downsize for the mission.
01:03:16Oh.
01:03:17Wait, where are we going?
01:03:19Page two, step one, blue highlight.
01:03:21Payback.
01:03:23You want me to pretend to be your lawyer?
01:03:25Oh, yes.
01:03:26Oh, no.
01:03:27Those fuckers took six million from me.
01:03:28We need that money to save the gym.
01:03:30You gave a cult six million dollars?
01:03:33Are you out of your mind?
01:03:34Listen, I was a light bean investing in the Star of Taurus.
01:03:37Plus, they told me it was a write-off.
01:03:39Look, Jack.
01:03:40Lone Star, Lone Star.
01:03:41Look, I can't do this.
01:03:42I'm sorry.
01:03:43It's too much.
01:03:44I'm sorry.
01:03:45I can't.
01:03:46We have all the power.
01:03:47Just play the role.
01:03:48It'll be fine.
01:03:51I did take an acting class back in college.
01:03:53Perfect.
01:03:54What do I call myself?
01:03:55I don't want them knowing my real name.
01:03:58Ronald.
01:03:59Ronald McDonaldson.
01:04:05Okay.
01:04:06You ready?
01:04:07What are we doing in a dentist office?
01:04:10Think about it.
01:04:11That's how they get you.
01:04:13Everybody needs to get their teeth cleaned.
01:04:32Ron?
01:04:33Ron?
01:04:41Yes, that's me.
01:04:43Ron.
01:05:03Shh.
01:05:04Shh.
01:05:05Shh.
01:05:06Shh.
01:05:07Shh.
01:05:08Shh.
01:05:09Shh.
01:05:10Shh.
01:05:11Shh.
01:05:12Oh.
01:05:13Oh.
01:05:14Oh.
01:05:15Oh.
01:05:33Arbiturian Lifestyles, this is Venus.
01:05:35How can I help you?
01:05:42Oh.
01:05:56Have a seat.
01:06:07Hello, benevolent leader.
01:06:09You dare bring an outsider in here, dish it?
01:06:11I just want to say that I don't judge.
01:06:13I don't believe in judging others based on their personal views.
01:06:16I actually, I used to have a shaved head back when I swam.
01:06:20It made me more aerodynamic.
01:06:23This right here is my lawyer, the worst nightmare.
01:06:29Hey, uh, I am his lawyer.
01:06:34My name is Ronald McDonald...
01:06:41Simon.
01:06:42I mostly do, um, pro bono work downtown.
01:06:48Just pretend he's Ken.
01:06:59Alright, motherfucker.
01:07:01I want you to listen, and I want you to listen really good.
01:07:05Your organization owes my client upwards of six million dollars.
01:07:12My client has suffered from anxiety, depression, erectile dysfunction.
01:07:19I've got that last problem.
01:07:21And I will not stop until justice has been upheld, my bald friends.
01:07:29Are you dentists familiar with the iPhone audio recorder app?
01:07:35Well, lucky for me, my client was during your little routine kidnapping.
01:07:39You remember that, do ya?
01:07:41Chuckles?
01:07:42Cause I do.
01:07:43Behold, evidence A.
01:07:54Could you just, um, could you just give it to me?
01:07:57Could you just give it to me?
01:08:00Behold, evidence A.
01:08:05No, no! No! Not the hair, anything but the hair!
01:08:11Goat, goat, goat, goat, goat, goat, goat, goat, goat, goat, goat, goat!
01:08:21Silence, Arcturians.
01:08:23Fuck this goat.
01:08:25Unfloat him.
01:08:26cackling
01:08:27Oh yeah.
01:08:28Oh, and by the way, that is not the only copy of that recording.
01:08:38I've got that shit on my iCloud.
01:08:43$6,000.
01:08:44Yeah, baby!
01:08:45Boom!
01:08:46Take that to the bank, dickchits!
01:08:51For the record, I didn't fuck that guy.
01:08:56Yeah.
01:08:57Oh, and Jack, please don't try to play matchmaker with Rachel.
01:09:00She's engaged.
01:09:01Not anymore.
01:09:09It's like the band's back together, huh?
01:09:15Hey, are you sure you're not her?
01:09:18Yes, I'm sure.
01:09:20Relax.
01:09:21Are you positive?
01:09:22Trust me.
01:09:23Hey!
01:09:24Oh, look!
01:09:25Yes, now that works.
01:09:28That suits you.
01:09:30Speaking of bands, Jack's hair?
01:09:32Fucking perfect.
01:09:33Look at it.
01:09:34I just hope Bon Jovi has good news because we couldn't find anywhere that was hiring.
01:09:39We're saving up for a Kia.
01:09:41That's a great vehicle.
01:09:43Well, listen, I gotta rally the troops.
01:09:45I'll talk to you in a little bit, okay?
01:09:46Alright.
01:09:47Oh, I'm way better.
01:09:48Oh, yeah.
01:09:51Hey.
01:09:52Hey.
01:09:53How are ya?
01:09:54Great.
01:09:55Thanks for coming.
01:09:57Of course.
01:09:58Gotta support my uncle, right?
01:10:01Right.
01:10:02Look, I'm sorry.
01:10:04For everything.
01:10:05No, no.
01:10:06Don't be sorry.
01:10:07Water under the bridge.
01:10:09Okay, everyone.
01:10:12Welcome back, everybody.
01:10:14I'd just like to say it's fantastic to see you all back in your uniforms again.
01:10:18And I know that we've had some bumps in the road.
01:10:21We've come up with a three-part plan.
01:10:23Todd, hand out the binders.
01:10:25Now, when I escaped,
01:10:28I knew that I would have to face the leader once more.
01:10:31Escape?
01:10:32The leader?
01:10:36Be strong.
01:10:38That's right.
01:10:39I was, uh...
01:10:42I was in a cult for 20 years.
01:10:44And I'm not ashamed.
01:10:46And I'm not hiding anymore.
01:10:48In fact, I'm not only fighting back,
01:10:51but I'm taking the lead.
01:10:54But I'm taking those mind-sucking, alien-loving parasites down.
01:10:58I won't stop until I retrieve the $5,994,000 that they still owe me.
01:11:04They will be begging me for mercy across the universe!
01:11:08The name Jack Guy will cause fear in the hearts of every Octarian!
01:11:15Yes, Bobby?
01:11:16So, you want us to help you take the cult down to get your money back
01:11:20to save this gym?
01:11:23No, no, not at all.
01:11:24I was just venting.
01:11:25It's a really important part of the healing process.
01:11:27My therapist says it's vital.
01:11:29Uh, I think what Jack is trying to say is that
01:11:33after my injury, I started to play the victim in life.
01:11:37And I was acting as if life robbed me of something that I deserved.
01:11:42And I quit.
01:11:44On myself.
01:11:46But I'm tired of sitting on the sideline.
01:11:49I'm ready to get back in the game.
01:11:52And I'm ready to play some ball.
01:11:53And what I want to know is who wants to play some ball?
01:11:57Bobby, yes.
01:11:58So, you want us to join a basketball league?
01:12:04No.
01:12:06I think what Chris and Jack are trying to say is
01:12:10if we work as a team, we could turn Dumbbell's business around
01:12:15and save everyone's job.
01:12:17Oh!
01:12:19Isn't that what we said?
01:12:22Yes.
01:12:47Hey!
01:12:48Hi!
01:12:49Wow, you look...
01:12:51beautiful.
01:12:54Can I steal her for a minute?
01:12:56Sure.
01:12:58Thank you, missy.
01:13:01Hey.
01:13:03Any bats in the cave?
01:13:05You're clear.
01:13:07You know, I'm really glad you and I teamed up, Chris.
01:13:09Holy Valkyrie on Blu-Ray, is that Tom Cruise?
01:13:11Sometimes you just gotta say it.
01:13:13What the fuck?
01:13:15Make your move.
01:13:16Woo!
01:13:17Woo!
01:13:18Uh, no.
01:13:19Actually, that is not Tom Cruise.
01:13:21That is Tom Cruise.
01:13:23Truth is, it doesn't matter.
01:13:25Perception is reality.
01:13:29Help me help you.
01:13:31Help me help you.
01:13:33Help me help you.
01:13:35Hey, guys.
01:13:37A real-life Hollywood producer just gave me his card.
01:13:39He said I have a dynamic look and wants to make me a star.
01:13:42Awesome.
01:13:43Congrats, buddy.
01:13:44Talk to you soon.
01:13:45He reminds me of a young Macaulay Culkin.
01:13:48So, I haven't told Ray, but we're having twins.
01:13:51What?
01:13:52Oh, my God.
01:13:53Congratulations.
01:13:54Thank you so much.
01:13:55I'm so excited.
01:13:56You're gonna be the cutest mom.
01:13:58It's kind of crazy to think that I wanted to quit not even a month ago, huh?
01:14:01Yeah, well, we all want to quit at one time or another.
01:14:04The important thing is to hang in the game,
01:14:06because tomorrow always brings another surprise.
01:14:09Think about my wig.
01:14:11It looks exactly like your real hair.
01:14:14It's kind of weird.
01:14:16Speaking of surprises, that is for you.
01:14:18What's this?
01:14:19I was able to salvage the footage from the reality show.
01:14:22I edited it together, added effects, cool transitions, graphics, the whole nine.
01:14:27Wow.
01:14:28How'd you learn to do that?
01:14:30I was an art major.
01:14:32Very cool.
01:14:35Did you know we already have 42 new members?
01:14:38Are any of them rich men?
01:14:40She said don't be a slut.
01:14:43Well, things are looking pretty good right now, huh, Todd?
01:14:47Yeah.
01:14:48You guys did a really good job with this place.
01:14:50My dad couldn't do this.
01:14:52He said I suck.
01:14:53He sucks!
01:14:59I am sorry to interrupt, Buzz, but if I may cut in.
01:15:03Well, I was just gonna ask her to marry me, but it wouldn't work out.
01:15:07Be free.
01:15:13Yeah.
01:15:18Shall we?
01:15:19Liars.
01:15:23Well, congratulations on a very, very successful party.
01:15:27You boys sure have come a long way.
01:15:31Well, we've been doing a lot of according.
01:15:34According?
01:15:35I believe it was Sigmund Freud who said man should not strive to eliminate his complexes.
01:15:41But to get into accord with them.
01:15:43For they legitimately direct his conduct in the world.
01:15:48Wow, I am impressed.
01:15:51You like that?
01:15:52Yeah.
01:15:53Didn't see that one coming, did you?
01:15:54I did not.
01:15:55I have you to thank.
01:15:57For what?
01:15:59For everything.
01:16:02Are you getting emotional on me?
01:16:05I'm sorry, that's lame, isn't it?
01:16:08Are you kidding me?
01:16:11I don't know one girl who wouldn't love a man who's in touch with their feelings.
01:16:19And I wanted to say thank you for respecting my boundaries.
01:16:27I love respecting your boundaries.
01:16:40My pursuit of happiness wasn't about finding somebody new to love.
01:16:43It was about learning how to love myself again.
01:16:45We've all got our demons.
01:16:46But with a good support system, it's amazing what can happen.
01:16:49Look who's got it all on camera.
01:16:52You adorable lovebirds.
01:16:54This is perfect.
01:16:56Chris, they're playing your DVD on the projector.
01:16:58Everyone loves it.
01:16:59You gotta come check it out.
01:17:01Sorry for C-blocking, man.
01:17:11Hey, Jack.
01:17:13Hey, Luce, you guys made it.
01:17:15Gavin, Joe, how are you guys doing?
01:17:17Fine.
01:17:18Fabio told us you were having a party.
01:17:20I'm glad you guys could make it.
01:17:21Having some fun?
01:17:22Yeah, we're having fun.
01:17:23Unfortunately, we're in a big rush.
01:17:25Our helicopter's picking us up in five.
01:17:27We came here to pitch you something.
01:17:29We're branching out of Vegas now.
01:17:31We're producing television content.
01:17:33And we were looking at the footage over here and thought that
01:17:35I mean, we love the name.
01:17:37It'd be a reality show or I'm thinking even franchising.
01:17:40Let's talk more on Monday.
01:17:42We'll discuss the details.
01:17:43Absolutely.
01:17:44All right.
01:17:45All right.
01:17:46Okay.
01:17:47Okay, guys.
01:17:48All right, Jack.
01:17:49Sorry you gotta leave.
01:17:50So do I believe in second chances?
01:17:52Hell, I believe in third and fourth chances.
01:17:54Jack Guy credited my video with landing the franchise deal.
01:17:58So he gave me equity, part ownership,
01:18:00and a third chance.
01:18:03So he gave me equity, part ownership,
01:18:05of Dumbbells, the brand.
01:18:07In life, we get multiple chances.
01:18:10So don't beat yourself up.
01:18:12If a career didn't work out or if you were in a failed relationship
01:18:15or if you were in a cult that believed in the alien takeover,
01:18:18the point is perception is reality.
01:18:21And it's never too late to reinvent yourself.
01:18:25And Jack Guy was right.
01:18:27Sometimes you do need to lose everything you think you want
01:18:30to discover who it is that you actually are.
01:18:34And I must admit, it feels really good to say,
01:18:39this is my life.
01:18:43And even more importantly,
01:18:46no mohawk.