Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00Thank you for watching!
00:00:30To be continued...
00:01:00Music playing
00:01:27So, as you ladies can see,
00:01:31by dating a guy like Johnny Football over there,
00:01:34you stand to lose $1,900 a year.
00:01:41Now I don't know about you, but I don't want to lose $1,900.
00:01:46And I know he seems cool now,
00:01:49but in like six months, I guarantee you
00:01:51he's going to be sucking some guy's dick for money.
00:01:55I mean, I'm just saying, dating a guy like me,
00:02:00the potential return on that investment?
00:02:04Strong.
00:02:09Wow.
00:02:12I'm just, I'm just going to go grab a drink or something.
00:02:24Music playing
00:02:49Oh my God, Miss Hanks.
00:02:53You tease.
00:02:58AJ, Operation Johnson County underway.
00:03:01I repeat, Operation Johnson County underway.
00:03:05Do you read me?
00:03:12What are you doing? AJ?
00:03:19That looks like the worst Christmas ever.
00:03:22Is that what you people do in India?
00:03:24Dude, I was adopted.
00:03:26By the way, I've been meaning to ask you,
00:03:27how fucking old are you?
00:03:2918, listen up.
00:03:31Now given the configuration of these numbers there,
00:03:33theoretically, how long would it take to hold your breath
00:03:37at the bottom of a ball pit?
00:03:39Wait, you mean like Chuck E. Cheese?
00:03:41That place is for babies. What are you doing there?
00:03:46Oh, sweet bleeding Jesus.
00:03:48I ask myself that every single day,
00:03:49but that's another question, other issues.
00:03:51Anyway, I want to let you know about something called SUMMER.
00:03:54And I know you all want to get the hell out of here,
00:03:55I can see it in your eyes.
00:03:56But SUMMER stands for tanning and building up your body.
00:03:59This is something that I know something about.
00:04:01It takes discipline.
00:04:03So please, send me pictures.
00:04:05Lots and lots and lots of pictures.
00:04:07I need to monitor and track your progress.
00:04:09I'm sure you all understand.
00:04:11And I'll give you an example.
00:04:13Last summer, I helped Johnny here,
00:04:19very nice, gain 15 lean pounds.
00:04:23Johnny was 16 last year.
00:04:25Pretty sure that's creepy and illegal.
00:04:29All right, soldier, you stow that right now.
00:04:31That was last year, okay?
00:04:33Now since that time, I bought a DeLorean
00:04:34and at 88 miles per hour,
00:04:35I can drive your ass to your 18th birthday.
00:04:38Is that clear?
00:04:41Yes.
00:04:44Can I use the bathroom?
00:04:45You may, but be careful of those hidden cameras.
00:04:47What?
00:04:48Never mind, go out.
00:04:49You have no sense of humor, you children.
00:04:51What is happening with you today?
00:04:54What the hell were you doing?
00:04:55I told you to use the walk-in.
00:04:56Oh yeah, I think it was off or something.
00:04:58Were you in there doing one of your gay drawings again?
00:05:01Danny, I'm just nervous about this whole situation, man.
00:05:06All right, are you in the game or not?
00:05:09Yeah, fuck it, I'm in.
00:05:12All right, this is going to be epic.
00:05:15Since it is the end of the year,
00:05:16I want to give you a little bit of magic
00:05:18from our friend Galileo.
00:05:19He said that age is but a number,
00:05:21and numbers can be manipulated.
00:05:26Everyone exit please in a orderly fashion.
00:05:46All right.
00:05:58Let's roll!
00:06:02What the fuck?
00:06:10I'm going to buttfuck you with discipline.
00:06:19Listen guys, I know it's the last day and all,
00:06:21but you really did it this time.
00:06:23Imagine all the work you made for our poor janitor.
00:06:26Look, honestly, I'm not even that mad.
00:06:30What about all the dildos?
00:06:32Take those home with me.
00:06:33I have a family reunion coming up,
00:06:35so don't feel like tax forms or anything.
00:06:38Seriously, cut the shit, both of you.
00:06:44Morning.
00:06:45Morning.
00:06:47You called the cops on us?
00:06:49Look, you're going to find out anyway,
00:06:51but Chrissy Morgan was kidnapped
00:06:54on our way to school this morning.
00:06:56There's been others.
00:06:58Damn, how many girls are missing?
00:07:01Chrissy is the third.
00:07:03Hey, I like you guys,
00:07:04and if it was up to me, I'd look the other way.
00:07:06But unfortunately it's not.
00:07:08It's up to him.
00:07:11Let's go.
00:07:12Time to see the big man.
00:07:15I'll save you some dildos.
00:07:23Dick puppets.
00:07:25Dick puppets hanging from the ceiling?
00:07:28Are you serious?
00:07:30What in the hell were you thinking?
00:07:33Welcome to Johnson County, sir.
00:07:35Johnson County.
00:07:36I'm going to take that as a thinly veiled reference to a cock.
00:07:40A peepee.
00:07:41A dick.
00:07:43A peter.
00:07:45A cornhole impaler.
00:07:47A cervix crusher.
00:07:50100%.
00:07:54All-meat thermometer.
00:08:00Woo-hoo, Dilly.
00:08:03I got to know which one of you guys came up with this idea.
00:08:05Listen, I'm going to tell you something.
00:08:06This thing went down a little girl's throat today.
00:08:08Do you understand me?
00:08:09It went deep, deep, deep, deep into her throat.
00:08:16Would you like me to demonstrate
00:08:18this tonsil tickler going down that little girl's throat?
00:08:23Not if you're doing the reenactment,
00:08:25but I wouldn't mind seeing her swallow.
00:08:27That's real funny.
00:08:30I am here working my ass off,
00:08:33trying to form these little girls, these little boys,
00:08:39into the future citizens of the United States of America.
00:08:43God bless the USA.
00:08:46I got to figure out something.
00:08:48One of you guys did this.
00:08:49One of you, it was your idea.
00:08:50Was it you, white boy, little Caucasian boy?
00:08:52Was it you? Was it you, Indian boy?
00:08:55Fucking Indians.
00:08:57Sir, he's not that kind of Indian.
00:08:59What?
00:09:00Sir, he's not that kind of Indian.
00:09:01He's not?
00:09:04I apologize.
00:09:06I, I, I, Habib, I absolutely apologize
00:09:09from the depth of my heart.
00:09:10I did not mean to offend you.
00:09:12You're not that kind of an Indian.
00:09:14Sir, I don't understand.
00:09:16You are the kind of Indian that talk like this?
00:09:19You are the kind of Indian
00:09:20when I need my computer fixed.
00:09:22They route me over to the dot heads over there in India
00:09:25if they can pull themselves away from the cobras
00:09:28in the wicker baskets.
00:09:29Playing a skin flute drives those damn snakes crazy.
00:09:35So while you are traversing the universe
00:09:38on a magic carpet ride,
00:09:40your people are raising world oil prices everywhere.
00:09:44You know I bought gasoline yesterday?
00:09:46$5 a gallon.
00:09:48He does get crazy sometimes, sir.
00:09:50I mean, just, here.
00:09:52Just look at this.
00:09:54Danny, what the fuck, man?
00:09:58Good God, young man.
00:10:00There is a cultural gap here
00:10:02that definitely needs to be filled.
00:10:08I agree completely, sir.
00:10:10But to be fair,
00:10:11his village was destroyed by an elephant stampede.
00:10:14What?
00:10:15No.
00:10:19The bad news is,
00:10:20you boys are failing your classes for this semester.
00:10:25Then we can't graduate.
00:10:26No fucking shit.
00:10:29So...
00:10:30What's more, I'm going to make you pay back the school
00:10:32for the damages that you've done.
00:10:34So basically what you're saying
00:10:37is that we're fucked.
00:10:40Let me process what you just said.
00:10:42Basically what you're saying is we're fucked.
00:10:45Yes.
00:10:46Excuse me, sir.
00:10:47What?
00:10:48I just had an interesting idea.
00:10:51What's that?
00:10:52Remember that little thing we discussed?
00:10:56Oh, yeah.
00:10:58Yeah, yeah.
00:11:00Yeah?
00:11:01I remember that, yeah.
00:11:02This may be a very opportune time to give it a test run.
00:11:06I think you're right.
00:11:08Yeah, I like that.
00:11:16A test run.
00:11:18Opportune.
00:11:20I like opportune test runs.
00:11:23I'm going to give them back to you when I'm done.
00:11:27Thank you, Vice Principal Choke-Choke-Choke-Choke-Choke-Choke-Choke-Choke-Choke-Choke.
00:11:33Yeah.
00:11:37I'm very lonely.
00:11:46The walls are talking to me.
00:11:49What do they say?
00:11:51Mostly about my mother's infidelities.
00:11:54She had no idea, bless her heart.
00:11:59She thought black men tasted like chocolate.
00:12:05One day she comes home with a little something-something coming out of the corners of her mouth.
00:12:09I said, Mama, what is that something-something coming out of the corners of your mouth?
00:12:14She said, I just ate a fudgsicle.
00:12:15She could not stay away from the black anacondra snake.
00:12:24I should have known.
00:12:26When she'd tuck me in bed at night, she'd kiss me on the cheek, and she'd grab my hoo-hoo
00:12:34and she'd whisper to me, she'd go, good night, Russell, my love, Muscle.
00:12:49Okay, well, we got to go home and do that thing where we tell our parents what we did.
00:12:56Yeah, I don't want to go unpunished for this.
00:12:58I'm already getting the urge to do, um, uh, marijuana.
00:13:01Oh, I see.
00:13:03All right, okay.
00:13:04Yeah, you guys better run, because your lives are in danger.
00:13:10Yeah, no, no, no.
00:13:11I love what you did last night.
00:13:12Yeah, I'll be there at six.
00:13:14Yeah, wear that dress again.
00:13:15I'll call you back.
00:13:16Hey, boys, hold up.
00:13:18Listen, we have an experimental mentorship program.
00:13:22We pair you with a mentor, and you work all summer.
00:13:25That's it.
00:13:26And you still graduate.
00:13:28Wow.
00:13:29Sick.
00:13:31You in?
00:13:32Yeah, that sounds great.
00:13:33Awesome.
00:13:34I'll call your mom later to fill her in.
00:13:35And boys, please don't screw up your youth like I did.
00:13:38What did you do?
00:13:40I had some interesting experiences on a certain famous TV show with Carmen Electra and Pamela Anderson.
00:13:48It was some crazy shit.
00:13:50Crazy.
00:13:51Come on, get out of here.
00:13:52Get out of here.
00:13:53Fist bump it.
00:13:54Boom, blow it up.
00:13:55Boom.
00:13:58You there?
00:13:59Yeah.
00:14:00Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:14:01Okay.
00:14:06I am old money.
00:14:11I am old money.
00:14:12I own many horses.
00:14:13I own many horses.
00:14:15The cobbler will know my name, and he will look me in the eyes.
00:14:17Cobblers.
00:14:18When he repairs my shoes.
00:14:21He will look me in the eyes.
00:14:24Repairs my shoes.
00:14:25The cobbler will know my name, and he will look me in the eyes.
00:14:28Cobbler.
00:14:30When he repairs my shoes.
00:14:32He will look me in the eyes.
00:14:35Repairs my shoes.
00:14:39I am old money.
00:14:49I think...
00:14:50I think I might love you.
00:14:57Agent, let's go.
00:14:58Oh, fuck, man.
00:15:00I was about to score in my dream, and you ruined it.
00:15:03What did she look like?
00:15:04Let me guess.
00:15:06You're the kind of guy that likes small tits.
00:15:08I don't know.
00:15:10What do you mean you don't know?
00:15:12Danny, AJ.
00:15:13Boys, out there, now.
00:15:28In your face, bitch!
00:15:50What the hell were you two thinking?
00:15:54Nothing.
00:15:55What were you two thinking?
00:15:57None of my dildos better be missing, I'll tell you that much.
00:16:00Oh, well, honey, I checked.
00:16:02Ours are still here.
00:16:04That's one good piece of news.
00:16:07I always knew you'd be a loser.
00:16:11Why is Ross here?
00:16:12Shouldn't you be serving diarrhea at Captain Fish?
00:16:15I'm the second shift assistant manager.
00:16:17I don't serve.
00:16:18But you got served when I tackled your ass in the driveway before, bitch.
00:16:23You got me from behind, and I wasn't even looking.
00:16:25That's not the only thing you get from behind now, is it?
00:16:29What the fuck are you talking about?
00:16:31Ross is here to help us figure out what to do with you two.
00:16:34That's right, Danny.
00:16:35Me, you, living room.
00:16:37Now, let's go. Get up.
00:16:44See, AJ?
00:16:45That's what a brother's supposed to do.
00:16:47All right, you little fucker.
00:16:48Anybody know?
00:16:49Nobody knows.
00:16:50What about your turban-wearing brother, AJ?
00:16:52What does he know?
00:16:53If Mom or Dad find out that you dig out all those dildos
00:16:56from the dumpster behind the Glory Hall porn shop,
00:16:58not only are you a fucking dead man,
00:17:00but you kiss all those Captain Fish's free cod sandwiches goodbye.
00:17:03You can't take away my cod sandwiches.
00:17:05I'm not even rich yet.
00:17:06I'm living cod platter to cod platter.
00:17:08It really warms the heart to see how much Ross loves Danny.
00:17:11Yeah, that's what I call brotherly love.
00:17:14Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
00:17:18Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime.
00:17:21You don't even catch fish.
00:17:22What's your count fishing through the freezer?
00:17:25There are no free lunches.
00:17:26You should know that already, Mr. Businessman.
00:17:29Now hug me. They're watching. Hug me right now.
00:17:34AJ?
00:17:35Where did you get all those dildos?
00:17:38Oh, um, a friend.
00:17:40It was a girl. A girl.
00:17:42Well, you know, Danny is always talking about penny stocks.
00:17:45Maybe he sold off a few to buy them.
00:17:47He's our little entrepreneur.
00:17:51Those two really love each other.
00:17:53Yeah, two future power players in the midst of a sibling love embrace.
00:17:56When I get rich, I'm gonna buy all the Captain Fish's in the world.
00:18:00And fucking fire you.
00:18:03Now that just sounds fiscally irresponsible.
00:18:05Besides, you don't have the skill or the capital to ever make that happen.
00:18:10You're a stupid little virgin, and that's all you'll ever be.
00:18:17Looks like you two had a great talk.
00:18:20I hope you learned something.
00:18:23I did, Mom.
00:18:24Very good. Very good.
00:18:26Don't worry, Mom. Don't worry, Dad.
00:18:28I straightened him out.
00:18:30He's gonna be a good little boy, aren't you, Danny?
00:18:37God damn it!
00:18:39There's an overturned shrimp truck on the highway.
00:18:41I gotta jet.
00:18:42Thanks, Ross.
00:18:43You're a good man. You're a good man.
00:18:45Love you. Bye.
00:18:50Vice Principal Cho...
00:18:52Cho...
00:18:53Chokachee.
00:18:55Tells me you two have been assigned a mentor.
00:18:57You can mentor these nuts.
00:18:59Maybe those nuts need to be mentored, young man.
00:19:02I wrote down the address.
00:19:04It's close by, someplace called Fatty's.
00:19:07Your mentor's name is Mr. Tyler Lavey.
00:19:12This is one fucking hell of a salad, hon.
00:19:15Thanks, honey.
00:19:16It's fucking great.
00:19:17You guys fucking think it's fucking great?
00:19:19This is fucking great.
00:19:42Yeah.
00:19:43Hi, uh, we're looking for Tyler Lavery?
00:19:46Lavery? Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.
00:19:48No, no, Lavey, Lavey.
00:19:50Lavey, Lavey.
00:19:51Lavey! Select Lavey. Yeah, Lavey.
00:19:53Yeah, get in here.
00:19:54Sorry, yeah.
00:19:55You guys fucking muppet babies?
00:19:56Get in here.
00:20:03Oh!
00:20:04Gotta pee the mirror.
00:20:08Dude, what the fuck?
00:20:11Ah!
00:20:12Boulder dash.
00:20:13Let's go.
00:20:16Is that cocaine?
00:20:17Dude, it smells weird.
00:20:21They're here for you.
00:20:29Sit the fuck down.
00:20:33Listen, I thought this would be a cool thing, this high school mentorship program.
00:20:37You know, a good PR move for my club.
00:20:39But I don't want to hang out with you two losers.
00:20:42Look, sir, my name is A.J.
00:20:44This is my brother Danny.
00:20:45I don't care who you are.
00:20:46You know what?
00:20:47I'm going to call Vice Principal Chokachi
00:20:49and tell him I'm not cool with this whole thing.
00:20:51Look, wait.
00:20:53Look, I'm a strong guy.
00:20:54You're obviously a strong guy.
00:20:56Are you hitting on me, you little squirt?
00:20:59All I'm saying is that we can help you around the bar and get stuff done.
00:21:02Hmm.
00:21:03You want to do some stuff around the bar?
00:21:06I don't think so.
00:21:07My bar has a certain clientele.
00:21:09Very exceptional people come in here.
00:21:12I don't want them to see me with you two losers.
00:21:15Wait.
00:21:17Look.
00:21:18Tyler.
00:21:19Mr. Lavi.
00:21:20If you don't let us do this,
00:21:22Principal Hanks is going to have us by the balls.
00:21:24That man keeps Vaseline and anal beads in his front desk.
00:21:28He will do unspeakable things to our balls and rectum.
00:21:32That's fucking gross.
00:21:34You know what?
00:21:35I guess I get it.
00:21:37I'm going to put together a little mission list.
00:21:39Things you have to do.
00:21:42Complete the list and I'll keep you guys around.
00:21:48Mr. Lavi, are you okay?
00:21:50God.
00:21:52Yeah, sometimes you have to feed the seed to the birdies.
00:21:58I'm really fucking busy as you guys can tell.
00:22:01So here's what I'm going to do.
00:22:03I'm going to text the two of you guys tomorrow with the first mission.
00:22:07And it's going to be a fucking adventure, boys.
00:22:10So be ready.
00:22:27We're supposed to help clean up the halls?
00:22:30Enter, if you dare.
00:22:33Ladies, pull up a toilet.
00:22:36I just did.
00:22:37We're here to clean up the, uh,
00:22:40dildo dick situation you got going on there.
00:22:45Let me just ask, um,
00:22:47who flooded my halls with rubber penises?
00:22:51That was me.
00:22:52In all my years working at this shit hole-
00:22:54Look, sir, we're really sorry.
00:22:56I laughed my ass off.
00:22:57That was pretty amazing.
00:22:59Fifteen minutes later,
00:23:00That was pretty amazing.
00:23:02Fifteen hundred rubber penises in the hallway.
00:23:04I mean, I've cleaned up like a hundred.
00:23:06But, uh, fifteen hundred.
00:23:09It's like a party at Elton John's house.
00:23:18Anyway,
00:23:19do you want to play on the whistle?
00:23:22Yes, the magic whistle.
00:23:25Play us the whistle.
00:23:27Very nice.
00:23:29Very nice.
00:23:34Holy shit, man.
00:23:35Wow.
00:23:38Whatever happened to us cleaning up the halls?
00:23:41Oh, bros.
00:23:43I took care of it, man.
00:23:45Alright?
00:23:46Life is tough.
00:23:47I didn't want you guys to get fucked over, man.
00:23:49I mean, look at me.
00:23:51I'm a janitor.
00:23:52I'm smoking weed on a toilet.
00:23:55I mean, I'm nineteen years old.
00:23:57Look how hard life is.
00:24:01I know it's funny to you, but
00:24:03it's tough, man.
00:24:05So, consider me your life guru.
00:24:07Alright?
00:24:08And the purveyor of the best whistle weed
00:24:10in Switzerland.
00:24:12Sweet. I'm Danny.
00:24:14AJ.
00:24:15What's up?
00:24:16Whatever.
00:24:18I'm a Waken.
00:24:19Waken Bacon.
00:24:22Your legal name is Waken Bacon.
00:24:24There's no fucking way.
00:24:25Yeah.
00:24:26My parents did a lot of drugs.
00:24:28Yeah. Waken Bacon, man.
00:24:30Wake up and toke.
00:24:31Right off my mom's vag.
00:24:33Yeah, my brother lucked out.
00:24:34His legal name was Turkey.
00:24:36Turkey Bacon.
00:24:38And he changed to Kevin.
00:24:39Became an actor.
00:24:40Have you seen, like, the movie Tremors?
00:24:43Hold on.
00:24:44You're brothers with Kevin Bacon?
00:24:47Yeah, I'm his younger brother.
00:24:48The Kevin Bacon?
00:24:50No.
00:24:51The other Kevin Bacon.
00:24:52The fuck?
00:24:53There's only one Kevin Bacon.
00:24:54Jesus Christ.
00:24:56But yeah, I'm his younger bro, man.
00:24:58We used to be really tight.
00:24:59And then I went on a set of Footloose.
00:25:02And John Lithgow was taking a nap on set.
00:25:04And I farted in his mouth.
00:25:06And nobody thought that was very funny.
00:25:08Especially Lithgow.
00:25:10He had really bad breath after that.
00:25:12And ruined a couple scenes.
00:25:14But anyway.
00:25:15Long story short.
00:25:16You wanna buy some weed?
00:25:20Yeah, sure.
00:25:21Right, cool.
00:25:22We have the whistle?
00:25:24Give me my fucking whistle back, man.
00:25:26I need a psychotic.
00:25:27Alright, alright.
00:25:28Hold on, I'm taking a shit.
00:25:43Alright, take out his text again.
00:25:47Alright.
00:25:48Remember what Tyler said.
00:25:49I gotta film you picking up a random girl.
00:25:52No dating sex.
00:25:54That girl over there?
00:25:56She looks beautiful.
00:25:58I bet her personality's even better.
00:26:01Okay.
00:26:02Am I good?
00:26:03You're sick.
00:26:04Come here.
00:26:05You're sick.
00:26:06Alright, alright.
00:26:07Strong.
00:26:12Ring, ring.
00:26:15Hello?
00:26:23Alright, I'll tell her.
00:26:24Um, your parents just called and they wanna be on my bedroom floor.
00:26:30Really?
00:26:31Yeah, it just rang and I answered it and...
00:26:34Just delivering the message.
00:26:38Thanks.
00:26:47Oh, shit.
00:26:49Shit.
00:26:55This place is dry.
00:26:58Hold on.
00:27:00That fucking girl's just hot.
00:27:02I don't know, man.
00:27:03She looks like a slut.
00:27:04Exactly.
00:27:05Fucking go over there and make some, like, witty joke or something.
00:27:10Just tell him to leave me alone.
00:27:12This is ridiculous.
00:27:15Okay.
00:27:19Hi, uh...
00:27:20You wanna, um...
00:27:23You wanna go to the lumberyard with me?
00:27:26Looks like you could use some wood.
00:27:28Jerk.
00:27:30Asshole.
00:27:32Oh, look who's a pussy now.
00:27:34Hey!
00:27:35Come on!
00:27:47You know, if you have sex with a handicapped guy, you go directly to heaven.
00:27:52What?
00:27:53You don't wanna be saved?
00:27:55Well, then I guess you could go to hell.
00:28:04Oh, shit.
00:28:10My god, I'm saved.
00:28:27Dude, check that thing out.
00:28:28What if someone sees?
00:28:31Dude.
00:28:32I've came.
00:28:34I'm not gonna get arrested.
00:28:44Oh, my god, I am so sorry.
00:28:47No, don't worry about it.
00:28:48It's fine.
00:28:52Well, well, well.
00:28:54What do we have here?
00:28:58Um...
00:29:02You know, normally I'd arrest someone for smoking marijuana out in public like this, but, uh...
00:29:08Obviously, this is medicinal, isn't it?
00:29:11Yes.
00:29:12It's medicinal marijuana.
00:29:14All right.
00:29:15Be careful with that.
00:29:16Nobody else is supposed to smoke that but him, all right?
00:29:23I'm really sorry.
00:29:24If you guys wanna drink or some food or something, I can...
00:29:27I work here, so...
00:29:28Well, we're Tyler's new employees.
00:29:30I'm Danny Kent.
00:29:32Future business mogul.
00:29:34Power player.
00:29:36I'm AJ Kent.
00:29:37You've been beamed.
00:29:39You're both Kents.
00:29:41You're not brothers, are you?
00:29:42Actually, we are.
00:29:44I would love to hear that story.
00:29:47Maybe some other time.
00:29:48Yeah.
00:29:49Okay, well, I'm Jessica, Tyler's niece.
00:29:51So, if you guys need anything, just let me know.
00:29:58What are you doing with that cane, you little pecker?
00:30:00Oh, my God.
00:30:01You were faking it?
00:30:02Oh, my God!
00:30:04That's pathetic.
00:30:05Well, get inside and clean the toilets.
00:30:07Let's go.
00:30:14Make me a nice target, babe.
00:30:20Ear ball.
00:30:24Hold up.
00:30:25Hold up.
00:30:26Almost got it.
00:30:28Booyah!
00:30:30You're an insensitive prick.
00:30:32That's so cruel.
00:30:33Did you guys get what I wanted?
00:30:35What?
00:30:36The videotapes.
00:30:41Oh, this is a pussy now.
00:30:47You guys are such fucking losers.
00:30:50So, now that we did what you asked, do we have a job or not?
00:30:53Well, you kind of did do what I asked, but you also failed miserably.
00:30:57So, is that a yes?
00:30:58Is that a yes?
00:31:00I have a very big delivery tonight.
00:31:02Clients that need booze for a party.
00:31:04156 Flanagan.
00:31:06Here's the address.
00:31:08Don't be late.
00:31:09We don't have a car.
00:31:11I'll have Jessica drive you.
00:31:13Now, get the fuck out of here.
00:31:15Here's your phone.
00:31:17And guys, this party's a little bit kind of weird from what I've heard.
00:31:21So, get in and get the fuck out.
00:31:28Okay.
00:31:30Okay.
00:31:31Load it up.
00:31:35Nice wheels.
00:31:37It's not mine.
00:31:38Why would I drive around in this weird van?
00:31:41Okay, listen.
00:31:42About earlier-
00:31:43You know what?
00:31:44Just save it.
00:31:45Dirtbags like you are a dime a dozen.
00:31:47I see them at the bar every night.
00:31:50I'm not like them.
00:31:58It was an honest mistake.
00:31:59Honest?
00:32:00You're a pathetic little man.
00:32:03Whatever.
00:32:04When I die,
00:32:06people are going to love me so much
00:32:08they're going to put my body
00:32:09on top of a mountain
00:32:11in an American flag
00:32:12with hot women
00:32:13fucking soaked in oil
00:32:15and they're going to mourn my death.
00:32:28Cheers.
00:32:46Well, howdy boys.
00:32:48Mrs. Hanks.
00:32:49I didn't know you had such a beautiful home.
00:32:51Oh, stop with the Mrs. Hanks.
00:32:53We're not in school.
00:32:55You can call me Monica.
00:32:58Okay.
00:33:00Well, don't just stand there.
00:33:01You have a job to do.
00:33:20For your troubles.
00:33:25Wow.
00:33:26Hey.
00:33:27Danny.
00:33:29There's something I need to speak with you about.
00:33:31It's for school.
00:33:33Alone.
00:33:35Oh.
00:33:37Alright, I'll wait in the vent.
00:33:38See you in a minute.
00:33:40Danny, I have an assignment for you.
00:33:43Will you come with me?
00:33:57Okay.
00:34:11Do you like what you see?
00:34:13Yes.
00:34:27Fuck.
00:34:41Throw me on the bed.
00:34:51Monica.
00:34:54Fuck.
00:34:57Fuck.
00:35:07Fucker.
00:35:19Everything okay?
00:35:21What the fuck took so long?
00:35:23She wanted me to put it someplace else.
00:35:25Uh, excuse me?
00:35:27The drinks.
00:35:29Let's just get out of here.
00:35:31Okay.
00:35:37Dude, what happened last night?
00:35:38You seemed off.
00:35:41I don't know.
00:35:42It was weird.
00:35:43Did Mrs. Hanks touch your pecker?
00:35:45Actually, no.
00:35:47But I did hear something weird going on back there.
00:35:49Weird?
00:35:50Like a dude getting banged in the ass?
00:35:52Guys!
00:35:53Get back to work.
00:35:55It's a full fucking bar inside.
00:35:57Why are you guys always dressed in the same shit?
00:35:59Dress like a man.
00:36:01Get inside.
00:36:06Hell yeah.
00:36:12Two more.
00:36:14You down with OPP?
00:36:16You know me, baby angel.
00:36:18Here, it's for you, sweetheart.
00:36:21Please don't throw money at me.
00:36:23Oh, yeah?
00:36:26Two more shots of your top vodka.
00:36:36What the fuck are you doing?
00:36:37What the fuck, bro?
00:36:38Did I know you?
00:36:39He was taking a picture.
00:36:40That's not true.
00:36:42What?
00:36:43Get the fuck out of here, you two.
00:36:45Now.
00:36:47Whoa.
00:36:48Are you fucking serious?
00:36:49Why you fucking bitches belong in a goddamn strip club?
00:36:53Oh, shit.
00:36:55Fuck!
00:36:57Bitch!
00:37:08I'm sorry for the way I've been treating you, Danny.
00:37:11Just forget it.
00:37:13Maybe we could start over?
00:37:16Of course.
00:37:17Of course.
00:37:19I'm Jessica Goodall.
00:37:21Jessica, I'm Danny Ken.
00:37:25So you wanna go out sometime?
00:37:30He's only 17.
00:37:32My mom's nine years older than my dad.
00:37:34I'll be 18 next week.
00:37:37Let's go.
00:37:40Let's get back to work.
00:37:44Have you been there the whole time?
00:37:46Someone's gotta do the work.
00:37:48Yeah, someone's gotta do the work.
00:37:51Fucking crackhead.
00:37:53Ugh.
00:38:01That's the real Cunningham mini-van.
00:38:05I'm gonna talk to him.
00:38:12I own many horses.
00:38:13Horses? Horses?
00:38:16Oh, God. Don't say I want an innocent barn again.
00:38:19No, sir. This is a bar.
00:38:22A bar.
00:38:26Well, um...
00:38:29Can you get me a drink, then?
00:38:31You gonna have the usual, Mr. Pennyfeather?
00:38:36Well, uh...
00:38:38Only if the usual comes out of those...
00:38:40turkey legs.
00:38:42Sweat them up when you get there.
00:38:44If you know what I mean.
00:38:48I don't know what you mean, actually.
00:38:52This young fella here, he...
00:38:54You know what I mean.
00:38:56Oh, yeah. I know what he means.
00:38:58He knows.
00:39:00Sir?
00:39:02I just want to say that the Power Triangle changed my life.
00:39:05And it turned me into the person I currently am.
00:39:08Oh, that's good.
00:39:09That'll be eight bucks.
00:39:13Uh...
00:39:14How about you taking care of this young fella here?
00:39:18From one Power Triangle to another?
00:39:21I'll have it.
00:39:23Pleasure's all mine.
00:39:25Thank you, sir.
00:39:27Get back to work.
00:39:28Get back to work.
00:39:39Pennyfeather, this better be worth my time.
00:39:42I just left my youth wrestling training.
00:39:45I didn't know you coached.
00:39:48Most haven't.
00:39:50Yeah, coach, huh?
00:39:52Well, that's a nice euphemism for legal child molestation.
00:39:55Coaching hell no, those are meat markets.
00:39:57I go there for the young gonad.
00:40:01There you go.
00:40:03Straight from the precision.
00:40:06Guaranteed offered in the nude, my friend.
00:40:12What would I do with your pube little tome, huh?
00:40:23I'm kind of down at the moment, you know.
00:40:27I just kind of need a...
00:40:29an infusion of cash, if you know what I mean.
00:40:32I'll do anything.
00:40:33Anything.
00:40:35Now, you listen to me, you old queer.
00:40:37Don't come on to me like that, okay?
00:40:38Damn it, Kosher!
00:40:41I'm a water-based despot.
00:40:42I've got nowhere in this world where I can sit and get an iota of comfort.
00:40:47God, you are really fucking with my vibe right now, you know that?
00:40:51Fine, fine.
00:40:52Now, look, this party makes the Illuminati look like a bunch of Mormons, okay?
00:40:56They're real power players, real men with real cash.
00:40:59You've got to behave like someone kind of important.
00:41:02The address is 256 Flanagan.
00:41:05Bring your crap and be ready, okay?
00:41:09Dude, did you hear that?
00:41:10It's the same place we were last night.
00:41:12So?
00:41:13It's a fucking party in a mansion.
00:41:14What do you expect?
00:41:15Yeah, a mansion where I heard some guy scream Chrissy.
00:41:18I don't know.
00:41:20Yeah, a mansion where I heard some guy scream Chrissy.
00:41:22What do you want to do, call the cops?
00:41:25Are you fucking crazy?
00:41:26If we find Chrissy Morgan, we'd be famous.
00:41:30Oh, I will.
00:41:31I promise, I will.
00:41:32I will.
00:41:33And one more thing, Pennyfeather.
00:41:35Don't even pretend to be straight.
00:41:36And don't bring your dead wife's ashes, please.
00:41:39Oh, no.
00:41:40Lucy, she'll stay in the glove compartment like she always does.
00:41:45Whatever.
00:41:46Thank you, thank you.
00:41:47I can see the fucking headlines.
00:41:50Kent Brothers find missing girl.
00:41:53It's fucking iconic.
00:41:56Alright, I see where you're going with this.
00:42:09I got an idea.
00:42:17Just an idea.
00:42:41Thinking what I'm thinking?
00:42:42Unfortunately, yes.
00:42:43How do I look?
00:42:45You have the body of an oil tycoon in the face of an 18-year-old virgin.
00:42:50How about now?
00:42:52Surprisingly convincing.
00:42:54But you should acquire fake beard.
00:43:05Hi, baby.
00:43:06Hey, Danny, you in?
00:43:07Yeah, just waiting for Jessica to get around back.
00:43:10Hey, Danny, you in?
00:43:11Yeah, just waiting for Jessica to get around back.
00:43:20Okay, anything I can do?
00:43:21Email me the Wikipedia page for Pennyfeather.
00:43:25I don't want to be caught off guard if anyone starts asking questions.
00:43:28Hey, Danny, be safe, alright?
00:43:29Take care of Jessica.
00:43:31It's gonna be epic.
00:43:36I am a whole bunny.
00:43:37I'm in several forces.
00:43:38Oh, my God.
00:43:44Batten down the hatch.
00:43:46I have arrived.
00:43:48Oh, my God.
00:43:50Michael J.
00:43:51It's so good to see you.
00:43:54Velour, velour, velour.
00:43:57Have a good time tonight.
00:43:59Hi, hi, hi.
00:44:01Oh, my God.
00:44:03It's a Lone Ranger.
00:44:05I love a man in a mask.
00:44:07Oh, my God.
00:44:08I love a man in a mask.
00:44:09Where is Tonto?
00:44:14It must be Tonto.
00:44:15Oh, my God.
00:44:17You're always my favorite.
00:44:19There must be guns inside.
00:44:21I can't wait.
00:44:22Oh, my God.
00:44:24Invitation?
00:44:37Oh, my God.
00:44:42Oh, oh.
00:44:55You've reached the Burning Studs hotline.
00:44:57To begin your sexual journey, press 1.
00:45:07Oh, my God.
00:45:17Oh, my God.
00:45:29Show me the secret sign, please.
00:45:31Oh, my God.
00:45:35What do you like to do, AJ?
00:45:37I like to draw.
00:45:38Are you any good?
00:45:40Yeah, I mean, I got a full-ride scholarship to Fine Arts Institute.
00:45:45Are you still in school?
00:45:47Yeah, I'm a high school senior.
00:45:49What do I look like in your mind?
00:45:53Well, you're probably sitting next to a microphone.
00:45:56And you're a musician, so you're probably slender and artistic.
00:46:10Bob, did you hear that?
00:46:15What?
00:46:16Stop messing around, Bob.
00:46:17I thought I heard someone.
00:46:19Oh, honey, I think you're just being paranoid.
00:46:22I'm sorry.
00:46:24I haven't been sleeping well lately.
00:46:26I'm just so worried about the boys.
00:46:30They're good kids, honey.
00:46:32They just got a little carried away.
00:46:34I'm sure you remember what it was like being a teenager.
00:46:37All those hormones.
00:46:44Hey, now.
00:46:47All right.
00:46:50So do you remember how to make a hormone?
00:46:53Oh, yes, I do.
00:46:54Little Bobby wants some sugar, Mama Bear.
00:46:57Mmm, I got some sugar for Papa Bear.
00:47:00Come on.
00:47:02Come to Mama.
00:47:04So that pretty much sums up why I'm stuck working at a bar
00:47:08with an overgrown man-child and an undergrown child.
00:47:12I don't mean to interrupt,
00:47:14but did you say you hung hundreds of dildos from the ceiling
00:47:17and the walls at your school?
00:47:19Well, my brother Danny did.
00:47:21Wow, that's kind of impressive.
00:47:23I mean, I helped, too.
00:47:25It was both of us.
00:47:27It sounds like your brother Danny is overcompensating
00:47:29for his perceived lack of success
00:47:31by creating situations to impress those around him.
00:47:33Yes, finally, someone who understands.
00:47:36Remember that everyone has a journey
00:47:39and must come to a personal truth at their own pace.
00:47:42Life is not a sprint, but a marathon.
00:47:53Get in here.
00:47:58I can't believe I agreed to this.
00:48:00What's the plan?
00:48:02I don't exactly have one yet.
00:48:04Well, that's just perfect.
00:48:06Okay, how about I stay away from everything?
00:48:09If Chrissy Morgan's here, she's isolated from the party.
00:48:12Okay, get out there and mingle.
00:48:14I'll look for her.
00:48:16All right, I'll look for anyone suspicious.
00:48:18And Jessica, anything happens to you,
00:48:20anything happens to you.
00:48:26All right, high five.
00:48:28Good luck.
00:48:30All right, fist bump.
00:48:50This had better be good, Stephen.
00:48:52Oh, it's going to be good.
00:48:54She's almost ready for the ceremony.
00:48:56Watch this.
00:48:58Oh, my God.
00:49:00Oh, my God.
00:49:02Oh, my God.
00:49:04Oh, my God.
00:49:06Oh, my God.
00:49:08Oh, my God.
00:49:10Oh, my God.
00:49:12Oh, my God.
00:49:14Oh, my God.
00:49:16Oh, my God.
00:49:18Oh, my God.
00:49:20Watch this.
00:49:22Bow.
00:49:26Oh, for God's sake.
00:49:28Bow a little lower for the madam, please.
00:49:34That's better.
00:49:36Now, watch this.
00:49:40First position.
00:49:46Decent.
00:49:47Second position.
00:49:57Unacceptable.
00:49:59Damn it, Chrissy.
00:50:03You know,
00:50:05if we really want to do this right,
00:50:08I think some deep red dahlias would accent the blood nicely.
00:50:12Oh, shut up, you little slut.
00:50:15At least you're wearing a white wedding dress.
00:50:41Whoa, whoa, easy, easy.
00:50:43Easy, Chrissy.
00:50:45Hey, hey.
00:50:47Oh, honey, you were great.
00:50:49Boy, if you had a fucking dick, you and me would be doing it.
00:50:52Yeah, God.
00:50:54Nicely done.
00:50:55Hey, Penny Feather, get your ass over here.
00:50:57Help me lube up here.
00:50:58Here, hold it to me, would you?
00:51:01Don't drink that shit, it's lube.
00:51:04I guess it comes down to being ashamed of my disappointing parents.
00:51:07Sweetie, this isn't 1950 anymore.
00:51:10If people can't love you for being who you are,
00:51:12do you really want them in your life?
00:51:16I just don't want to be disowned by my parents.
00:51:19I'm sure if you knew what your parents were into, it would shock you.
00:51:38Yeah, I guess, but what about Danny?
00:51:40I'm sure Danny will find a way to become comfortable with this.
00:51:44What about some nice bleeding hearts?
00:51:48You stupid son of a bitch!
00:51:50If it weren't for me, none of these girls would have beautiful sacrifices.
00:51:53If it were left up to you, they would all be just
00:51:56dying in front of wood paneling and shag carpeting.
00:51:59Yes, dear.
00:52:04You know what?
00:52:06I forgot to call my sister.
00:52:07I was going to ask her about staying at the lake this summer.
00:52:11I think the boys would like a surprise visit to the lake.
00:52:15Who's this on my phone?
00:52:20Get off my phone, freak!
00:52:23No, I'm not gone!
00:52:25Get your butt downstairs right now, mister!
00:52:32AJ, were you getting catfished?
00:52:35What? I don't...
00:52:37Do you even know what that means?
00:52:39Son, we only want what's best for you.
00:52:41Listen, I know what I heard.
00:52:43And if this is another one of yours and Danny's pranks,
00:52:45I want it to stop now.
00:52:47But Mom...
00:52:48But nothing!
00:52:50Your father and I worked too hard to keep you kids fed with a roof over your heads.
00:52:52I expect this from Danny, not you, AJ.
00:52:55Speaking of, where is he? Go get him.
00:52:58Oh, he told me he wasn't feeling well.
00:53:01I think he already went to bed.
00:53:03I don't care. Go get him.
00:53:05My God, I picture you with six inches of cock
00:53:08and balls the size of Rhode Island.
00:53:10Do you hear me?
00:53:12That's beautiful. Well done.
00:53:14I gotta take this.
00:53:16Dude, you just saved me from the weirdest shit.
00:53:19It's Mom. She wants to see you now.
00:53:21Well, how can I do that, AJ,
00:53:23when I'm Cunningham Pennyfeather,
00:53:25surrounded by a bunch of oiled-up muscle chicks?
00:53:27What? Where are you?
00:53:29Okay, look. Stall Mom, and I'll be home as fast as I can.
00:53:32Hey! Get over here, now!
00:53:33Trina!
00:53:35Stop him!
00:53:37Somebody stop her!
00:53:39Stop her!
00:53:41We've got an imposter!
00:53:43We've got an imposter!
00:53:45Stop him! Stop him!
00:53:47Stop my clothes on!
00:53:49Please!
00:53:51Stop my clothes on! Stop him!
00:53:53Stop him!
00:53:55Danny, Kent, what in the fuck are you doing?
00:53:58Kent, you little prick!
00:54:00I'm getting you, you little prick!
00:54:02Stop him!
00:54:04Stop that man!
00:54:06Stop him!
00:54:11Mom, he's got the shits.
00:54:13He's shitting real bad up there.
00:54:15I think he ate that cod meal.
00:54:17Okay, well, ask him if he wants me
00:54:19to make him some tea for his tummy.
00:54:21But as soon as he's done,
00:54:23to get his rear down here.
00:54:25Okay. Will do. Will do.
00:54:27I'll get him right away.
00:54:28I'll be right back.
00:54:58Unpulled. Here, Captain.
00:55:00Tyler!
00:55:02Dude, where are you?
00:55:12Tyler!
00:55:14Dude, where are you?
00:55:16I'm pretty sure I found Chrissy Morgan.
00:55:18Oh, yeah. And Jessica might have been kidnapped.
00:55:20Okay, bye.
00:55:22Hurry up! Come in!
00:55:24I want to go on the record
00:55:25for being totally against this.
00:55:27Did you want Mom to get you?
00:55:29Boy! In here! Now!
00:55:32What the hell, boys?
00:55:34Just when I think things can't get any worse,
00:55:36you pull this crap.
00:55:38Mom, you don't understand.
00:55:40I wonder who it could be at this hour.
00:55:42I don't know. Go check, Bob.
00:55:50It's a police officer!
00:55:52Christ! What did you call me?
00:55:54It's a police officer!
00:55:56Christ! What did you kids do now?
00:56:03Hi, officer.
00:56:05What can I do for you?
00:56:07I can't believe you hired an escort.
00:56:09Who even delivers at this hour?
00:56:11You're not a real police officer.
00:56:13I'm not here to dance.
00:56:15Oh!
00:56:18This is how this is about to go down.
00:56:20See?
00:56:22Oh!
00:56:24Come on!
00:56:26Come on!
00:56:28What the fuck is going on?
00:56:30What is that?
00:56:32What the fuck are you doing?
00:56:34Hey!
00:56:37Give me the orange!
00:56:51Guys! Come on!
00:56:52Let's go!
00:56:56Where are you taking them?
00:56:58What are you doing?
00:57:05Come on! This way!
00:57:18Damn it!
00:57:22Did you do as I asked?
00:57:28And who might that be?
00:57:35Oh. Terrific.
00:57:37Just one day before the biggest sacrificial offering in the history of secret societies,
00:57:43and we have three men who know too much.
00:57:46The most wealthy, powerful men in the known universe are going to be here tomorrow night.
00:57:53Men who, mind you, are paying me good money to be a part of the sacrificial offerings.
00:58:00We must not let these kids foil our plans.
00:58:08I'm sorry.
00:58:10I'm sorry.
00:58:12I'm sorry.
00:58:14I'm sorry.
00:58:16I'm sorry.
00:58:18Just kill them.
00:58:22Where are we?
00:58:24You ask way too many questions, kid.
00:58:26Too many questions?
00:58:27Yeah.
00:58:29I think now is the perfect time to ask many, many, many fucking questions.
00:58:34My girl's in danger.
00:58:36Your girl? You mean my niece?
00:58:38The one you dragged into this mess because you couldn't mind your own business?
00:58:42Look.
00:58:43We're in imminent danger, and you bring us to see an old fucking lady.
00:58:47What, is she going to give us a cough trap and tell us how polio was?
00:58:50That's my grandmother, and she can hear you.
00:58:53Shut the fuck up, alright?
00:59:05We're here because...
00:59:06I know.
00:59:09So what are you going to do about it?
00:59:10That's why we're here.
00:59:12I see.
00:59:14Get rest.
00:59:16You're gonna need it.
00:59:21Insecurity!
00:59:23Lack of self-understanding!
00:59:25And most prominently, fear of the truth!
00:59:28These are all human attributes.
00:59:31Attributes I see in the three of you!
00:59:40Ah, what is that?
00:59:42Bunch of pussies.
00:59:54The sooner you set yourselves free,
00:59:57the sooner we can free Jessica.
01:00:04The unity amongst us is the most important thing.
01:00:08The unity amongst you is beautiful,
01:00:12and will grow stronger with time and trust.
01:00:18Now, whether Tyler told you, I raised Jessica.
01:00:22She is an amazing, young, bright woman,
01:00:26and she means the world to me.
01:00:28You know where she is?
01:00:30I know where she is.
01:00:32We need knives and guns!
01:00:34No guns, no knives.
01:00:35When I was a secret agent,
01:00:37I used only unconventional tactics.
01:00:39Things no one had ever seen.
01:00:42Where do we find such things?
01:00:45Within yourselves.
01:00:47Teamwork together.
01:00:49Let the synergy be your guide.
01:00:51The three of you make a triangle.
01:00:53A power triangle.
01:00:55I have faith in you three.
01:00:58On the count of three, let's do a power triangle.
01:01:02One, two, three, power triangle!
01:01:05One, two, three, power triangle!
01:01:07One, two, three, power triangle!
01:01:09One, two, three, power triangle!
01:01:14Let's get epic.
01:01:35There's our man, right there.
01:01:37That's all of him.
01:01:39It's all my money.
01:01:41Take a good look at it.
01:01:43That's all my money.
01:01:45It's all my money.
01:01:47You're a pathetic little man.
01:01:49Your greed sickens me.
01:01:51You don't understand the power of triangle, do you?
01:01:54No, you don't understand the power of the triangle.
01:01:57Do you get it?
01:01:58You don't, you don't understand the power of the triangle, did you?
01:02:02No, you don't understand the power of the triangle.
01:02:07Go to sleep, old man.
01:02:25I'm going in.
01:02:28Shit, I don't have my phone.
01:02:30Here, take mine.
01:02:34Thanks, bro.
01:02:35Bro? Since when do you call me bro?
01:02:38This is the first time I feel like I've been one to you.
01:02:40Expect to hear it a lot more, then.
01:02:42Listen, enough of this you two lovebirds.
01:02:44When you locate Jessica, you text us.
01:02:47We got your back.
01:02:58Ticket?
01:03:05Uh, I left it in my DeLorean next to my flux capacitor.
01:03:10Very funny, Casa.
01:03:12You used that line last night.
01:03:14I still need a ticket.
01:03:23Enjoy your evening, sir.
01:03:28Customer, your presence is requested.
01:03:59This is your night.
01:04:04Why are you doing this to me?
01:04:06Oh, because...
01:04:12I want to make you look...
01:04:15Fabulous.
01:04:17Yeah.
01:04:19Mmm. Mmm.
01:04:22Mmm. Mmm.
01:04:25Mmm. Mmm.
01:04:27Mmm. It's pretty.
01:04:35This was my mother's wedding dress.
01:04:43She wore it.
01:04:47You know, she liked little boys.
01:04:49She couldn't help herself.
01:04:57Neither can I.
01:05:28Well, well, well, Mr. Jeremy.
01:05:30I love watching you swallow.
01:05:33What's going on up there?
01:05:35Just a porn star choking the chicken.
01:05:58For God's sakes, what is that fucking Yeti doing here?
01:06:07How does he stay in the heat at night?
01:06:09Those pecs are like steamed vegetables.
01:06:28Kosta! Hi, this is my friend Kosta.
01:06:31Everybody meet Kosta.
01:06:33Kosta, meet everybody.
01:06:40Hey, Kosta.
01:06:42Do you ever give a little kid a used condom
01:06:44and tell him it was a go-gurt?
01:06:46She was a little fucked up.
01:06:48That's fucked up.
01:06:50Oh, excuse me.
01:06:52Aren't you standing tip-toe?
01:06:54Oh, excuse me.
01:06:56Aren't you standing tip-toe on your high horse today?
01:07:00Just seems a little disrespectful.
01:07:03This from a guy who rationalizes having sex with minors
01:07:07by bragging you have the highest test scores in the state.
01:07:10Like that's gonna justify it.
01:07:12You gotta admit those kids are limping off to a brighter future.
01:07:14That's why I love you, Kosta.
01:07:16Come here, you slimeball. Let's have a private moment.
01:07:18Come here, come here.
01:07:20Oh, yes, yes, yes.
01:07:22You don't need a bad guy. You don't need a black hat.
01:07:24You need some love.
01:07:28Kosta, what do you think of the girls you got here?
01:07:31Pretty sexy, huh?
01:07:33I mean, no, no.
01:07:35My penis is like kicks.
01:07:37Kid-tested, mother-approved.
01:07:39Oh, it is. It's mother-approved.
01:07:41And he's right, it is.
01:07:43Kosta, you're getting soft.
01:07:45In fact, I think a little too soft.
01:07:47Maybe.
01:07:53They all have masks.
01:07:55Check this out.
01:08:00You're getting soft, Kosta.
01:08:02Perhaps a little too soft.
01:08:07Oh, oh, oh, my God.
01:08:10You know, we have a strong policy about intruders here.
01:08:12You picked the wrong party to crash.
01:08:14Hold him, Ron. I'll get the gun.
01:08:16Well, make it quick. I want to keep this festive.
01:08:18Yeah.
01:08:20I don't know. Just lie there, will you?
01:08:22Now, who are you?
01:08:24I'm Kosta.
01:08:26You're not Kosta. I'm looking at your face, you idiot.
01:08:28What brings you to this party? Why are you here?
01:08:32No, no, no, wait a minute, wait a minute.
01:08:34No, no, no, no, no.
01:08:36Who's this?
01:08:41Is this Lyrical Lamentations of Love?
01:08:44Lyrical Lamentations of Love.
01:08:47Oh, it's Eric, baby. Hi.
01:08:52I know.
01:08:54I want to talk to him.
01:08:56Hi, I have a big cock,
01:08:58and I like to get a nice ball sack massage.
01:09:00In fact, I'm sitting here.
01:09:02My penis is out parking the car.
01:09:04The Eagle Society.
01:09:06Secret, wealthy group
01:09:08of prominent homosexual men
01:09:10with mommy issues.
01:09:12Often blaming the infidelities
01:09:14of their mothers
01:09:16as the root of their unhappiness.
01:09:18It's very encyclopedic.
01:09:20Seems too straightforward.
01:09:22Expository for a secret book.
01:09:24Well, maybe the guys
01:09:26that wrote this thing were on a tight deadline.
01:09:28So I have a problem with premature ejaculation.
01:09:38Hey, why are you giving Ron Jeremy my phone?
01:09:40Not that I mind
01:09:42where his hands are, man.
01:09:44Who cares about the fucking phone?
01:09:46Any ideas where my niece is?
01:09:48I've got an idea.
01:09:56Let the games begin.
01:10:00Gentlemen,
01:10:02tonight we put an end
01:10:04to the ghost of our mother's judgment.
01:10:06No longer
01:10:08will we be judged
01:10:10for the choices that we've made.
01:10:12Choices that were made
01:10:14that were predetermined
01:10:16before we came out of our mother's womb.
01:10:20Let the sacrifice begin.
01:10:22Let the sacrifice begin.
01:10:38Dude, you're homosexual.
01:10:40Why didn't you tell me?
01:10:42You? How could I possibly tell you?
01:10:44All you care about is material things.
01:10:46How people perceive you.
01:10:48How can I be honest with you?
01:10:50Well, then.
01:10:58Enough, Sonny.
01:11:00You've always been a disappointment to me.
01:11:04I expect that from sons
01:11:06who wet the bed until age 15.
01:11:08If your mothers could see you now.
01:11:10Oh.
01:11:12Yes, they can.
01:11:14You should always carry a piece of your mother
01:11:16in your heart.
01:11:18It's picture school day
01:11:20and you're not even dressed to impress.
01:11:22You better smile, you racist cunt.
01:11:26Get over there.
01:11:28Everybody back the fuck off
01:11:30or you're gonna get an ass full of lead.
01:11:32And to clarify,
01:11:34this is a deadly weapon.
01:11:36I'm not talking about any kind of kinky stuff.
01:11:42What did you do with my mistress?
01:11:44You could say
01:11:46she's waken up
01:11:48to some harsh realities.
01:11:58This is my favorite one. I got it from a blind guy.
01:12:00That's an apple, you idiot.
01:12:02Uh, yeah, did you hear me just mention
01:12:04that he's blind?
01:12:06God, for a mistress of the secret society,
01:12:08you're a fucking stupid whore.
01:12:10You know, if this doesn't work out,
01:12:12Mrs. Hanks, maybe you and...
01:12:14No more words, Costa.
01:12:16A person like me would never sleep with a troll like you.
01:12:18No, no, no.
01:12:20That's not what I was talking about, my dear.
01:12:22I was talking about a teaching reference
01:12:24for an elementary school.
01:12:26You're 35 years too old for me.
01:12:28I am 42.
01:12:30Exactly.
01:12:32Can I jerk her off on your tits?
01:12:34No!
01:12:36I was talking to him.
01:12:38I can pay you in rubber penises.
01:12:40Absolutely.
01:12:42The Oakwood community
01:12:44can all sleep a little easier now.
01:12:46Thanks to three men that choose
01:12:48to only be referred to as the Power Triangle,
01:12:50a young woman was rescued
01:12:52from captivity.
01:12:54The perpetrators, Oakwood High School principal
01:12:56Stephen Hanks, and his wife,
01:12:58psychologist Monica Hanks,
01:13:00are being held for questioning.
01:13:02Once again, it seems as though good has prevailed.
01:13:04We'll be here bringing you up-to-date
01:13:06coverage as soon as it becomes available.
01:13:08This is Sophia Brealey,
01:13:10signing off for Oakwood News Channel 3.
01:13:14Hey, guys.
01:13:16You did it.
01:13:18No, we did it.
01:13:20And now that I'm 18,
01:13:22we're gonna do it.
01:13:24That's my boy.
01:13:26Hey, where's Ross?
01:13:28Well, the busybody couldn't make it.
01:13:30He's too busy doing R&D on a new lobster sandwich.
01:13:32Hey, guys.
01:13:34Congratulations.
01:13:36You did it.
01:13:40Guys, I just gotta say something.
01:13:42If A.J. wasn't gay,
01:13:44I'd be dead right now.
01:13:46And for that,
01:13:48I'm forever grateful of this homosexuality.
01:13:54I got a surprise for you.
01:13:56Yeah.
01:14:12A.J., I have never been more proud of you
01:14:14than I am in this moment.
01:14:16Thanks, Dad.
01:14:18I can't wait to gossip with you
01:14:20and catch up on the soap operas.
01:14:22Anyway, listen.
01:14:24I'll see you on the Power Triangle.
01:14:26Cheers.
01:14:28Hold on.
01:14:30Power Triangle?
01:14:32I don't have any money.
01:14:34It's all right.
01:14:36Trust me.
01:14:38I got something to show you guys.
01:14:40Let's go check it out.
01:14:42Come on.
01:14:46Take a look.
01:14:48This is amazing, Tyler.
01:14:52Can I redesign the interior?
01:14:54Of course. It's yours.
01:14:56All right, guys.
01:14:58On the count of three,
01:15:00let's do a Power Triangle.
01:15:02Let's do it.
01:15:04One, two...
01:15:06Whoa, wait.
01:15:08Always treat Jessica like a princess.
01:15:10I will.
01:15:12Three, Power Triangle!
01:15:14Hey, hey, hey!
01:15:18Hey!
01:15:20Hey, asswipe!
01:15:22Shut up!
01:15:24That's mine!
01:15:26Asswipe, stop it!
01:15:28Asswipe!
01:15:30No, wait!
01:15:34Grab his legs.
01:15:36Tyler!
01:15:38This is gay.
01:15:40Asswipe.
01:15:46Asswipe.
01:16:10Asswipe.
01:16:12Asswipe.
01:16:14Asswipe.
01:16:16Asswipe.
01:16:18Asswipe.
01:16:20Asswipe.
01:16:22Asswipe.
01:16:24Asswipe.
01:16:26Asswipe.
01:16:28Asswipe.
01:16:30Asswipe.
01:16:32Asswipe.
01:16:34Asswipe.
01:16:36Asswipe.
01:16:38Asswipe.
01:16:40Asswipe.
01:16:42Asswipe.
01:16:44Asswipe.
01:16:46Asswipe.
01:16:48Asswipe.
01:16:50Asswipe.
01:16:52Asswipe.
01:16:54Asswipe.
01:16:56Asswipe.
01:16:58Asswipe.
01:17:00Asswipe.
01:17:02Asswipe.
01:17:04Asswipe.
01:17:06Asswipe.
01:17:08Asswipe.
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01:17:16Asswipe.
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