This was the best ten minutes in the history of television
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00:00Hello and welcome to the 77th annual Golden Globe Awards, live from the Beverly Hilton
00:15Hotel here in Los Angeles. I'm Ricky Gervais, thank you. You'll be pleased to know this
00:23is the last time I'm hosting these awards, so I don't care anymore. I'm joking, I never
00:31did. NBC clearly don't care either, fifth time. So, I mean, Kevin Hart was fired from
00:40the Oscars because of some offensive tweets. Hello. Lucky for me, the Hollywood foreign
00:46press can barely speak English, and they've no idea what Twitter is. So, I got offered
00:54this gig by fax. So, let's go out with a bang, let's have a laugh at your expense, shall
01:00we? Remember, they're just jokes. We're all gonna die soon, and there's no sequel. So,
01:07yeah, remember that. But you all look lovely, all dolled up, you came here in your limos.
01:14I came here in a limo tonight, and the license plate was made by Felicity Huffman. So, no,
01:22shush. It's her daughter I feel sorry for, okay? That must be the most embarrassing thing
01:29that's ever happened to her. And her dad was in Wild Hogs. So, lots of big celebrities
01:36here tonight. I mean, legends, icons, yeah? This table alone, Al Pacino, Robert De Niro.
01:50Baby Yoda. That's Joe Pesci, sorry. I love you, man, don't have me whacked. But tonight
01:58isn't just about the people in front of the camera. In this room are some of the most
02:02important TV and film executives in the world. People from every background, but they all
02:07have one thing in common. They're all terrified of Ronan Farrow. He's coming for you. He's
02:14coming for you. Look, talking of all you perverts, it was a big year. It was a big year for paedophile
02:22movies. Surviving R. Kelly, Leaving Neverland, Two Popes. Shut up. Shut up. I don't care.
02:31I don't care. Many talented people of color were snubbed in major categories. Unfortunately,
02:40there's nothing we can do about that. The Hollywood foreign press are all very, very
02:44racist. So, fifth time. So, we were going to do an In Memoriam this year, but when I
02:53saw the list of people that had died, it wasn't diverse enough. It just, no. It was mostly
03:00white people. And I thought, nah, not on my watch. Maybe next year. Let's see what
03:09happens. No one cares about movies anymore. No one goes to cinema. No one really watches
03:14network TV. Everyone's watching Netflix. This show should just be me coming out going, well
03:20done Netflix, you win everything. Goodnight. But no, no, we've got to drag it out for three
03:25hours. You could binge watch the entire first season of Afterlife instead of watching this
03:30show. That's a show about a man who wants to kill himself because his wife dies of cancer.
03:36And it's still more fun than this. Okay? Spoiler alert, season two is on the way. So, in the
03:43end, he obviously didn't kill himself. Just like Jeffrey Epstein. Shut up. I know he's
03:49your friend, but I don't care. You had to make your own way here in your own plane,
03:56didn't you? Right. But seriously, most films are awful. Lazy. Remakes. Sequels. I've heard
04:03a rumor that there might be a sequel to Sophie's Choice. I mean, that'd just be Meryl Streep
04:10going, well, it's got to be this one then. All the best actors have jumped to Netflix
04:20and HBO, you know. And the actors who just do Hollywood movies now do fantasy adventure
04:25nonsense. They wear masks and capes and really tight costumes. Their job isn't acting anymore.
04:31It's going to the gym twice a day and taking steroids, really. Have we got an award for
04:36most ripped junkie? No. No point. We know we'd win that. Martin Scorsese, the greatest
04:43living director, made the news for his controversial comments about the Marvel franchise. He said
04:48they're not real cinema and they remind him of theme parks. I agree. Although I don't
04:53know what he's doing hanging around theme parks. He's not big enough to go on the rides,
04:58is he? It's tiny. Right. The Irishman was amazing. It was amazing. It was. It was great.
05:15Long but amazing. It wasn't the only epic movie. Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, nearly
05:22three hours long, Leonardo DiCaprio attended the premiere and by the end, his date was
05:27too old for him. Even Prince Andrew's like, Come on, Leo, mate. You know, you're nearly
05:4050, son. The world got to see James Corden as a fat pussy. It was also in the movie Cats,
05:51but no one saw that. And the reviews are shocking. I saw one that said this is the
05:59worst thing to happen to cats since dogs. But Dame Judi Dench defended the film, saying
06:08it was the role she was born to play because she I can't do this next job because she loves
06:16nothing better than plonking herself down on the carpet, lifting her leg and licking
06:21her own minge.
06:29Terrible, terrible. She's old school. It's the last time. Oh, Apple roared into the TV
06:43game with a morning show. A superb drama. Yeah. A superb drama about the importance
06:52of dignity and doing the right thing made by a company that runs sweatshops in China.
06:57So when you say you woke, but the companies you work for, I mean, unbelievable. Apple,
07:02Amazon, Disney. If ISIS started a streaming service, you'd call your agent, wouldn't you?
07:08So if you do win an award tonight, don't use it as a platform to make a political speech,
07:14right? You're in no position to lecture the public about anything. You know nothing about
07:18the real world. Most of you spent less time in school than Greta Thunberg. So if you win,
07:24right, come up, accept your little award, thank your agent and your God and fuck off.
07:32So it's already three hours long. Right, let's do the first award. The first award.
07:46The first award is for best actor in a television series,
07:50musical or comedy. To present the award are a couple of actors off the telly. What can I say?
07:56Jennifer Aniston and Reese Witherspoon.
08:04In a little while, we're going to see a short clip from the Irishman. It's 88 minutes long.
08:15In the meantime, here are Sofia Vergara and Matt Bomer.
08:18Welcome back. Still having a good time?
08:26Good. As you know, the meal tonight was all vegetables,
08:31as are the members of the Hollywood Foreign Press.
08:37Please welcome their president, Lorenzo Soria.
08:41Knives Out has three nominations tonight. Yeah.
08:45See what can happen if you don't dress people up as cats. It's that easy.
08:51Here are two of the nominated stars, Anna de Armas and Daniel Craig.
08:57I've got nothing negative to say about these next two presenters,
09:02because the big one could snap me in half. So please welcome Zoe Kravitz and Jason Momoa.
09:15Kill me. We're nearly done. Jeez. Three. It's already.
09:26Right. Last one. Last one. Come on, guys. Our next presenter starred in Netflix's Bird Box,
09:34a movie where people survive by acting like they don't see a thing.
09:39Sort of like working for Harvey Weinstein.
09:41You did it. I didn't. You did it. Shut the fuck up. Please welcome Sandra Bullock.
09:49That's it. Good night. Thank you. Please donate to Australia. Have a great time.
09:54Get drunk. Take your drugs.