Play the worst PC port ever, all for a low low fee of $60 and tax:
https://store.steampowered.com/app/2291060/EARTH_DEFENSE_FORCE_6/
If you can just get it on console really.
Anything awful becomes an experience with friends, please don't play it alone you WILL lobotomize yourself.
Edits by my shackled servant: https://www.youtube.com/@Toastoffire100
-----------------------
Send Sseth Shekels: https://www.paypal.me/SsethTzeentachGB
Send Sseth Shekels per video: https://www.patreon.com/Sseth
Send Sseth Shekels / crypto: https://www.subscribestar.com/ssethtzeentach
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https://store.steampowered.com/app/2291060/EARTH_DEFENSE_FORCE_6/
If you can just get it on console really.
Anything awful becomes an experience with friends, please don't play it alone you WILL lobotomize yourself.
Edits by my shackled servant: https://www.youtube.com/@Toastoffire100
-----------------------
Send Sseth Shekels: https://www.paypal.me/SsethTzeentachGB
Send Sseth Shekels per video: https://www.patreon.com/Sseth
Send Sseth Shekels / crypto: https://www.subscribestar.com/ssethtzeentach
Website: https://www.ssethtzeentach.com/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/SsethTzeentach
FB: https://www.facebook.com/sseth672/
Category
🎮️
GamingTranscript
00:00Hey, hey, people.
00:02Seph here.
00:03I did my part.
00:04We all did our part, but it wasn't enough.
00:07It's been three years since we killed God,
00:09and we're still no closer to reclaiming our world.
00:12The aliens may be gone, but the monsters they've left behind
00:15have made life all but impossible.
00:17The world is ruled by monsters.
00:20At this point, maybe we are the invaders,
00:22and they are the EDF now.
00:24Wait, what?
00:25What?
00:28What?!
00:31The Earth Defense Force 6 begins now.
00:34This game has finally been released
00:36outside of the theocratic dictatorship known as Japan,
00:39where the personal computer is a heretical relic,
00:41and releasing a good PC port is considered apostasy.
00:46Luckily, the developers aren't getting excommunicated,
00:49as this game, which is about 80% EDF5 by volume,
00:52somehow has a worse PC port.
00:55And despite not being an Epic exclusive,
00:58this game uses epic online services for its multiplayer.
01:02Ah, yes, let me just sign in with my LEGO account.
01:05You can't turn this off,
01:06and every time you get an achievement,
01:08it locks your controls and you die.
01:10We are so back, back to the past,
01:12because that's where we're going.
01:14Now, you'd think the phrase EDF plus time travel
01:16would be a good tone indicator for this experience,
01:18but you'd be wrong.
01:20Watching this game unfold is like giving a 20 to your local tweaker.
01:23After the gas station dick pills and two hits of bang energy kick in,
01:26it's impossible to predict his next move.
01:28And yet, it's strangely captivating
01:30to watch him wrestle an officer
01:32while urinating with a full erection.
01:34Speaking of which, our sponsor.
01:36I need money for Fentanyl.
01:37Hey gang, do you wanna know why we're dealing with this invasion?
01:40Because someone, you specifically,
01:42forgot to install ExpressVPN.
01:45That's right, Earth Defense Force is a metaphor
01:47for what happens when you browse the net without a VPN.
01:50Like ants to a picnic,
01:51your unsecured connection attracts all manner of unsavory characters.
01:55From your ISP to scummy data brokers and government glowies.
01:59Who knows what they want or what they'll do when they get it.
02:02If you're lucky, they'll just sell off your data to the highest bidder
02:05and turn your life into a living hell of targeted advertising.
02:08If you're unlucky, they'll establish a detailed record
02:11of every illicit detail of your personal life
02:13and use it against you to ruin your life.
02:15That's right, you'll be forced to resort to making TikTok slop content
02:19just to get by.
02:20Thankfully, ExpressVPN stops all this and more
02:23by routing all of your internet traffic through a secure encrypted tunnel,
02:26allowing you to browse the internet anonymously, securely, and privately.
02:30Use it to stay safe anywhere, even on unsecured public Wi-Fi.
02:34Ugh, now that's what I call a picnic.
02:36Personally, I use ExpressVPN to protect myself from my own landlord.
02:40At the moment, I have him fooled.
02:42He thinks I can barely make rent,
02:44but as the owner of my Wi-Fi network,
02:46he can see everything I do.
02:48If he sees what I purchase online, he'll jack up my rent.
02:51But with ExpressVPN, Wi-Fi owners can't see what you're up to on their network,
02:55making total privacy just one click away.
02:58Now, I can go about my normal business
03:00and occasionally turn it off to Google things like
03:02what to do if very poor,
03:04how to make money for rent,
03:06and is it healthy to eat cement?
03:08Just to throw him off a trail.
03:10ExpressVPN is consistently rated the number one VPN by CNET,
03:13The Verge, and tons of other tech reviewers.
03:16And unlike me, they actually have a reputation.
03:18Find out how you can get free months of ExpressVPN for free
03:21by scanning the QR code on screen,
03:23clicking the link in the description box below,
03:25or by going to expressvpn.com forward slash ceph.
03:28Earth Defense Force 6 innovates on the EDF format
03:31of reusing 90% of the last game
03:33by having you time travel back
03:35to literal copy-pasted EDF-5 missions.
03:37Those BASTARDS!
03:39The entire intro is a highlight reel of brain rot
03:42from a previous title.
03:43In these five months, humanity has lost 30% of its population.
03:4830%.
03:50That's still not too bad.
03:52And since my mind has blocked out all EDF-related memories
03:55as a trauma response, it still hits just as hard.
04:00From a premise, you'd think we'd bring back
04:02some kind of superweapon or strategy.
04:04But remember, this is a universe where everyone eats glue,
04:07including the aliens.
04:08What we've brought back is far more valuable.
04:11Advice.
04:12Advice such as shoot the glowing weak point.
04:14In the original timeline, this took the EDF months to figure out.
04:17Your guidance helps a little,
04:18but the aliens are sending new enemies back in time as well.
04:21We're playing a game of quantum chess,
04:23but every player is retarded.
04:25So, what's new?
04:26Not much.
04:27Welcome to EDF.
04:28You get one new mechanic and quality-of-life features
04:30which should have been there from the start,
04:32like these new damage numbers.
04:33So now I can see I'm doing exactly one damage.
04:36The ranger can now turn while sprinting.
04:39This took years of programming.
04:41Everyone gets a new backpack weapon slot,
04:43so now you can actually use all the stupid shit
04:45that would have otherwise cost you an entire slot.
04:48Backpack weapons also reload passively,
04:50so now you don't have to hold it out for a real-life minute
04:53to reload your turrets.
04:54This entire series is built on breaking you down
04:57to the point where I'm giving praise
04:59each time something gets marginally better.
05:01Wing Diver gets an infinite durability,
05:03spammable shield that blocks everything.
05:05Its intended purpose is to survive attacks
05:07and get some breathing room.
05:08Its actual purpose is to grief your teammates.
05:11Playing Air Raider causes a unique form of brain damage
05:14where all of your dopamine pathways remap
05:16to prioritize Big Bomb
05:18at the cost of self-preservation.
05:20EDF 5 tried to fix this by adding more limpet guns
05:22and a third weapon slot.
05:24EDF 6 has given up completely.
05:26Now you have an entirely new category of drone strikes
05:28which can work underground or in a timeline
05:30where all of your artillery crews are dead.
05:32And Defensor gets literally nothing.
05:35He's exactly the same.
05:36Just like 5, he goes from broke to broken,
05:38from garbage can to Gundam
05:40that can solo the entire game.
05:42EDF's enemy designs take from the late Confucian philosophy
05:45of CBT maximalism
05:47which falls into one of the following categories.
05:49Instant death shotgun,
05:51instantaneous corporeal relocation,
05:53I can't see what the fuck is going on,
05:55I'm having an epileptic seizure,
05:57and the rarest category of all,
05:59actually good.
06:00If they have a gimmick, EDF will make damn sure
06:02you know about it.
06:04These aliens are armored!
06:06They're fully protected!
06:07Clad in armor, head to toe!
06:09They're covered in armor, where do we even go?
06:11These enemies have new gear.
06:13There are just a few heavily armored aliens.
06:15For example, the flying drones have a unique mechanic,
06:17the rules of which are described to you
06:19in excruciating detail.
06:21And what is it?
06:22When you shoot an enemy, they get mad.
06:24One of the simplest game mechanics that anyone,
06:26no matter how much their mother drank during pregnancy,
06:29can figure out on their own.
06:31In any other game, you would not need to drill this into the player.
06:33But this is EDF.
06:35I've spent the last 15 hours inhaling nitrous
06:37and holding left click.
06:38I'm grateful for this reminder.
06:40Because with zero explanation,
06:42a new red drone shows up.
06:44And if you aggro more than one at a time,
06:46you're already dead.
06:51That's supposed to be a decoy.
06:53In EDF 5, they were useless because they had no health.
06:55In EDF 6, very useless because the aliens
06:57won't fucking shoot at them.
06:59EDF's network of radio gas lighters
07:01is stocked up on genuinely dogshit advice.
07:03At one point, android suicide bombers show up,
07:05and you're told to run away,
07:07hold your ground, shoot the bombs,
07:09don't shoot the bombs, and link up with Charlie.
07:11Charlie is the key to all of this.
07:13A terrifying new enemy.
07:15However, are we going to hold shift?
07:17Their weakness is the shift key.
07:19Surprisingly, most of the new designs aren't terrible.
07:21Androids shoot their hands, which is a physical projectile
07:23that can be shot out of the air.
07:25The new drones have weak spots and dodgeable attacks.
07:27The cruel are actually interesting.
07:29They can block attacks with their energy shield
07:31until it overheats.
07:33In the game's own words, the black ones don't work.
07:35It's genuinely fun combining different gear
07:37and strategies to get past their shields.
07:39And then, you play a mission with a rolling pillbox,
07:41and all that praise goes out the window.
07:43I need to make one thing very clear.
07:45Cheat engine is no longer optional.
07:47I complained about the drop system in 5,
07:49but now it's worse than I could have possibly imagined.
07:51Let me give you a quick rundown.
07:53Enemies drop armor and weapon crates.
07:55Armor crates permanently increase max HP by 1.
07:57Weapon crates are gacha tokens
07:59that give one spin of the end-of-mission reward wheel.
08:01These weapons come from a genuinely schizophrenic loot table
08:03based on mission number and difficulty,
08:05with a bias towards whatever class you're playing.
08:07Getting duplicates levels up the star statistic.
08:09This is not a small bonus.
08:11It brings the weapon from borderline useless
08:13to borderline griefing.
08:15If you're operating under the reasonable assumption
08:17that difficulty options are purely a matter of taste,
08:19EDF will punish you.
08:21If you play the entire game on normal,
08:23you'll encounter only two enemies.
08:25If you play the entire game on normal,
08:27you'll encounter only 25% of all items.
08:29If you want a smooth progression through all of the weapons,
08:31playing missions at the developer intended armor and weapon levels,
08:33you'll have to play the entire game,
08:35and I'm not making this up,
08:3716 times.
08:39Every single mission, on every single class,
08:41on normal, hard, hardest, and inferno difficulties.
08:43Or, you can use cheat engine
08:45to multiply the drops by several thousand
08:47and play on hard so you only miss half a drop table.
08:49And if you're worried about cheating
08:51diluting your experience, it won't.
08:53Every mission has a hard limit
08:55on max health and weapon level.
08:57This isn't just a polite suggestion.
08:59I'm asking you to cut out 60 hours of grind.
09:01So, you can find out it makes no difference
09:03because you get one shot anyway.
09:05I mentioned this game was insane,
09:07but it doesn't truly become clear until you shoot it to time machine again.
09:09You know you're in for a treat
09:11when you see the words
09:13The Earth Defense Force 7 begins now.
09:15This is where you realize
09:17we're not using time travel to stop ourselves from eating glue.
09:19This is a race through time
09:21to see who can eat the most glue.
09:23Us, or the aliens.
09:25And right now, they're winning.
09:27Because they can send new enemies back in time,
09:29but we can only bring our memories back to our bodies in the past.
09:31The scientist who travels back with you
09:33tries to make use of this.
09:35But each time he does, the EDF sends him to the psychiatric ward.
09:37He's looped so many times
09:39he's memorized the game's dialogue.
09:41I mean, I don't actually know how many times he's looped.
09:43He just said he lost count.
09:45But the EDF's greatest weakness is numbers.
09:47So that's not saying much.
09:49Next up, the title of smartest man in the EDF
09:51goes to Steve, the only man
09:53who can count all the way up to ten.
09:55Yeah, and it's number nine.
09:57The ninth one out of ten.
09:59Truly our brightest mind.
10:01Ah, I'd kill for a meal. I'd even eat a monster at this point.
10:03People smarter than us have already tried.
10:05I believe them.
10:07Because this is a post-No Child Left Behind universe,
10:09EDF has a very particular way
10:11of introducing new enemies.
10:13First, you'll do a normal mission with normal dialogue.
10:15Bullseyes!
10:17Near the end, the NPCs will randomly bring up
10:19something you've never heard before, like
10:21I would have never believed that demons would rule over
10:23the surface three years ago.
10:25You're left wondering, is that a metaphor?
10:27Then you go to the next mission and
10:29Oh shit, they weren't kidding.
10:31That cruel is getting prime toppy.
10:35This situation is so hopeless that many in the EDF
10:37are seeking God.
10:39Not in a religious sense, they are physically looking for God.
10:41The possibility of his existence
10:43gives the EDF hope.
10:45Not that he'll save us, but hope that we can beat him to death
10:47ourselves. However, that's not gonna work
10:49this time. So, we really need to figure out
10:51how to use this whole time travel thing to our
10:53advantage. The Earth Defense Force 8
10:55begins now. This time,
10:57the scientist managed to avoid the insane asylum
10:59and uses his time traveler knowledge to
11:01invent newer and better weapons for the EDF.
11:03And then, he gives us the plot twist.
11:05The aliens aren't from another
11:07planet. They're from Earth, but millions
11:09of years into the future. They're not teleporting
11:11in monsters that look like giant ants.
11:13They're sending the result of millions of years
11:15of ant evolution back in time.
11:17These aliens evolved from an Earth where mankind
11:19is extinct and the world is ruled by
11:21monsters. When they asked, are we alone
11:23in this universe? They discovered the ruins
11:25of human civilization and went back in
11:27time to check us out. When they descended
11:29in their egg-shaped ships, early humans
11:31mythologized them as gods. However, one of
11:33them said, imagine drunk driving one
11:35of these, and did exactly that. After
11:37finding the ship, humanity realized, oh shit
11:39there's aliens, and formed the Earth Defense
11:41Force. If the EDF exists, the
11:43world will never be ruled by monsters
11:45and the aliens will never evolve.
11:47That single drunk driving incident
11:49just time paradoxed the aliens.
11:51But, they have one last option to stop
11:53themselves from getting blipped. They evolve
11:55from a world where humanity is extinct.
11:57So, they just need to make us extinct.
11:59Now, you may be thinking, why not just
12:01go back and turn Grug and Grunga into
12:03paste, because that would cause another time paradox.
12:05If they solve the problem too early,
12:07then they never needed to solve the problem
12:09and will never solve the problem.
12:11That's why they invade at the start of
12:13EDF 5. It's just after the formation
12:15of the EDF, so there's still a reason to go
12:17back and invade. All of this means,
12:19we have a chance. We just have to do well in
12:21one loop, and we can time paradox the aliens
12:23out of existence for good. This time,
12:25we do so well against the aliens, that instead
12:27of emerging from a bunker into a war zone,
12:29you're greeted by an army of advanced soldiers,
12:31living in a high-tech, utopian
12:33Wakanda. Then, you blow
12:35it all up, but despite your efforts,
12:37the aliens are still one step ahead.
12:39Every loop, they send their evolved ships
12:41back into the ring. Turns out, these ships carry
12:43a log of everything we did during the war,
12:45and they go back in time and use that to
12:47retroactively win the war. They've been
12:49doing this the entire time, but out of everything
12:51in this fucking game, they were being subtle
12:53about it. At the start of the game, a ring
12:55ship appears. Then, in the next mission,
12:57everything is destroyed. They didn't just move
12:59quickly, they went back and changed
13:01the timeline. We can only go back in
13:03time by shooting at the ring at a specific time,
13:05but if the aliens time travel before then,
13:07they can retroactively change the current
13:09timeline, from one where we have 10 billion
13:11civilians, to one where we have
13:13500 civilians, because
13:15of EDF's time travel rules. Every
13:17mission takes place in its own temporal pocket
13:19dimension. Any attempts to change the timeline
13:21past or future will get queued,
13:23and all the queued actions resolve
13:25when the mission ends. If we're in mission 50,
13:27and you send me back in time to introduce
13:29your father to competitive League of Legends,
13:31you can watch me leave, and you'll be perfectly
13:33fine. Then, on mission 51,
13:35you no longer exist, because you never
13:37existed. Who are you?
13:39So, when the mission ends, the evolved ships
13:41going back in time gets resolved, and in the
13:43next mission, you're fucked. The scientist
13:45couldn't care less, though. He's got bigger issues
13:47at the moment.
13:49In order to win, we have to do
13:51so well in one loop, that we can assault
13:53the time machine before the evolved
13:55ships can go back in time. We're done
13:57playing around. It's time to win this thing.
13:59The Earth Defense Force 9 begins
14:01now. Now, we've gone all the way back
14:03to the very beginning of EDF 5.
14:05This is the payoff for everything
14:07we've had to put up with. From the very start,
14:09the EDF has giant mechs called Bragas
14:11lying around. Why don't they use them?
14:13Because they're construction cranes.
14:15The EDF doesn't even think
14:17to use them as weapons until months later.
14:19But this time, you snuck your weapons
14:21through the metal detector, so you can save
14:23one guy that dies during the tutorial.
14:25Turns out, this was the single most
14:27important person in the fucking universe.
14:29The lynchpin that turns the tide of the
14:31entire war. This one guy is the
14:33only person who knows the code for the
14:35Braga elevator. In EDF 5,
14:37the base gets wiped and they have to fish out
14:39the Bragas from the rubble. But this time, they
14:41drop the anchors and you hold the line,
14:43punching them to death and saving the base from
14:45annihilation. Every mission in this timeline
14:47corrects all of your mistakes.
14:49These guys got squished by a pylon, but
14:51now, we can block their convoy so they don't.
14:53When the dropships appear in EDF 5,
14:55you're not allowed to kill them, because nobody
14:57has ever tried shooting the glowing weak point.
14:59But now, as a civilian, you start
15:01blasting them out of the sky and get immediately
15:03conscripted.
15:09When Godzilla shows up, you waste no
15:11time and immediately bring out the Braga
15:13to kick his ass. In fact, this timeline
15:15goes so well, that the EDF has developed
15:17their ultimate weapon, Braga
15:19with a gun.
15:21Braga 8, loss ratio at 50%.
15:23The aliens
15:25are throwing everything they have at us.
15:27It's time for us to use our own trump
15:29card, another Braga.
15:33This is basically the perfect
15:35timeline for us, but the aliens still
15:37manage to send the evolved ships back.
15:39If we want to win, we need our own ace
15:41in the hole. Luckily, the scientist has
15:43one. The EDF's ultimate secret
15:45weapon, coincidence. That's
15:47right, random chance.
15:49The aliens have a finite number of evolved
15:51ships across every time loop. If
15:53they can go back and we destroy one, then
15:55they can only send nine back in the next
15:57loop. So, all we have to do is time
15:59loop infinitely and eventually kill
16:01every single evolved ship, stopping
16:03them from going back in time and wiping our
16:05progress, and actually allowing us to gain
16:07the upper hand. To communicate this, EDF
16:09did the last thing I expected.
16:11It got meta. To go back in
16:13time and kill the evolved ships, you have to
16:15physically go back through your mission select screen.
16:17These include the only mission that
16:19takes place at night. They can reuse their entire
16:21game three times, but darkness?
16:23Whoa, that's way too disruptive. We can only
16:25do that once. After that, you're finally
16:27ready to assault the ring. You gather
16:29the EDF's finest and attack. Then,
16:31they all die and tell you to run away.
16:33Great work, guys. You shoot the ring and it goes
16:35horizontal, opening its portal to rain
16:37enemies. It's revealed that you're not just
16:39fighting one group of aliens from one
16:41point in the future. You're fighting all
16:43aliens from every point in the future.
16:45They're throwing everything they have at you,
16:47but nothing is more effective than the ring,
16:49because it stuns a player in real life.
16:51Then, the final boss.
16:53That thing is officially our enemy.
16:55Initiate attack. Of course,
16:57everything in EDF is big, but this thing
16:59is legitimately too big. It flies
17:01outside the skybox, attacks by turning
17:03an entire city block blue, and outruns
17:05all of your attacks. When you blow its head
17:07off, the front opens up and is revealed
17:09to be... Megagod.
17:11What the fuck is happening?
17:13The time travel rules have either been making
17:15sense, or the oxygen deprivation
17:17has finally gotten to me. Allow me to explain
17:19what's actually going on.
17:21We are currently in a time duel to determine
17:23who gets time paradoxed out of existence.
17:25Humanity, or the aliens.
17:27The aliens cause the time paradox with that
17:29little ship crash, and we cause the
17:31time paradox by launching a dirty bomb
17:33at Mars to prevent the cruel from evolving.
17:35Now, time itself has chosen us as
17:37humanity's champion, and Gigagod
17:39as the alien's champion.
17:41Whoever loses this fight gets their entire
17:43species time paradoxed out of existence.
17:45I'll reiterate, time is a sapient
17:47entity which manually resolves paradoxes
17:49by handpicking contestants for a death
17:51match. This is no longer humanity
17:53versus aliens. This is four retards
17:55versus God's final form.
18:03Hey, we did it!
18:08The enemy ship is crashing!
18:12We did it!
18:15We did it!
18:23We did it!
18:25Remember, aliens,
18:27you're no match for the indomitable
18:29human spirit. I've met men who
18:31could goon for 36 hours straight.
18:33I've met stronger men who could flicker
18:35goon for 7 seconds. Humanity
18:37always has, and always will
18:39overcome adversity. Because
18:41we have something you don't.
18:43Stupidity. And you get
18:45nothing. No ending. Goodbye. Thank you for
18:47the 60 bucks. Earth Defense Force 6
18:49is a lobotomizing experience
18:51where every single design choice is
18:53intentionally wrong. It's a sacrificial altar
18:55where you trade neurons for dopamine
18:57coded by Emperor Hirohito himself.
18:59The weapon descriptions are lies,
19:01the dialogue is primordial brain rot.
19:03We can't! The enemies
19:05are right in front of us!
19:07I am the Manchurian candidate.
19:09My MKUltra activation phrase could
19:11be any line of dialogue from this game.
19:13God, I hope it's not mating season.
19:15But I'm not complaining. Coming from a race of people
19:17with a history of being fried in
19:19DiGiorno Easy Bake Ovens, parting with
19:2160 dollars was a difficult decision.
19:23But it was worth it. This is a series
19:25made by the same 5 guys for the past
19:2720 years, and I'm cheering them on.
19:29Nonsense is an antidote
19:31in a world where nothing makes sense, and
19:33there's value in something that transcends
19:35reason. This is a product
19:37of unintelligent design,
19:39and I love it. As always, more content
19:41to come, so stay tuned. A warm thanks
19:43to the many members of the Merchants Guild,
19:45generously funding and bankrolling
19:47these videos. You're all
19:49truly wonderful. Have a good one.