Behold the King of One-Liners : Andy Huggins
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FunTranscript
00:00I just paid off my student loan.
00:02It's tough getting older.
00:06Went into an antique store, they wouldn't let me leave.
00:12I tried using that face aging app.
00:16They said, nah, you're good.
00:22I'm officially an old man.
00:24I give unwanted advice to total strangers.
00:28I told a kid to pull his pants up, his underwear was showing.
00:32He mocked me, tried to give me a wedgie.
00:35But the joke was on him, I was wearing the pins.
00:40I went to the doctor because I thought.
00:42I thought I had arthritis.
00:44I don't.
00:46I have early onset rigor mortis.
00:52Anybody ever drop their phone in the toilet?
00:55There you go.
00:57And after I did, I put my phone in a bag of rice.
01:00Anybody ever drop a bag of rice in the toilet?
01:07I joined a dating site for people my age called Carbon Dating.
01:19I asked a woman on the site for her number.
01:23She told me it was 140 over 95.
01:29I flunked out of college twice.
01:32First time because I was a drunk.
01:34Second time I was sober, but it was hard.
01:41I got arrested once for drunk driving.
01:43Not only was I drunk, but I'd been smoking hash.
01:47When I took the breathalyzer test,
01:49I inhaled, tried to pass it to the cop.
01:58YOLO.
02:06So I was arrested, fled guilty.
02:08For my community service, I left the community.
02:15I used to smoke cigarettes.
02:16I was a heavy smoker.
02:17I would even smoke when I went jogging,
02:19which is stupid, of course.
02:22So I quit jogging.
02:27I loved smoking cigarettes.
02:29I'd smoke after sex.
02:31I'd smoke during sex.
02:33Sometimes I would skip sex and just smoke cigarettes.
02:39Before I got my hearing aids, my crowd work
02:43was terrible.
02:44I asked an audience member where he was from.
02:46He said, my mama.
02:48I heard Miami and said, I've been there.
02:53I am 74 years old.
02:55Life expectancy for men is 76 years.
02:59Life expectancy for women is 81 years.
03:03I figure if I transition...