A millennial writer from San Francisco travels to the Philippines where she and her brother..HD ( Drama )
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00:00Will highly sensitive people be happier in a relationship with another highly sensitive person?
00:07That's an important question.
00:09The research shows that two highly sensitive people, HSPs as we call them,
00:15and a couple where only one is highly sensitive, are about equally satisfied in their relationship.
00:23There's advantages to both people in both combinations, although the benefits are a little different.
00:29Sorry. I'm Jessica. I know about your books.
00:35My question is, how can I make my partner understand my high sensitivity
00:43without thinking I'm strange or crazy?
00:47I just want to keep it under control.
00:50Well, many highly sensitive people have this issue of, quote, getting under control.
00:55It's an innate trait.
00:57I really think the main issue is appreciating the trait of sensitivity.
01:02Can I add something?
01:04Jessica, clearly your relationship is very important, and that's not trivial.
01:09In fact, I see a lot of you here in the audience are couples, so this applies to all of you.
01:14The research shows that the quality of your relationship strongly predicts how long you'll live,
01:22even more strongly than obesity or smoking.
01:26I'm a dead woman then.
01:28I beg your pardon?
01:30Sorry.
01:32Look, is there any sort of cure for high sensitivity?
01:39Because my boyfriend can't stand it, and to be honest, I can't stand it sometimes too.
01:45And we fight about it a lot. I mean a lot.
01:49High sensitivity is not a disorder. It's not something to be cured.
01:54Second, 69% of couples have serious conflicts they can't resolve,
02:00and your differences in temperament could be a source of conflict.
02:04But happy couples just manage those conflicts better.
02:08And since many highly sensitive people feel there might be something wrong with them
02:13because they're different, they tend to have low self-esteem.
02:16That means in a conflict they don't stand up for themselves, and that's not good in a conflict.
02:22About a third of all breakups appear to be due to certain innate traits,
02:27traits that can't be changed.
02:29But if the partners understand each other's traits, that seems to help a lot.
02:36Does that answer your question?
02:39Yes, yes. Thank you very much.
02:45What do you think the chances are that she's late?
02:51The sister or the baby?
02:54The elder.
02:56But at least when she's late, she apologizes, and she means it.
03:00Unlike Lyle, who never apologizes for anything.
03:05He just cares about himself.
03:09You know, I thought that being an expecting dad would make it go a little easier on yours.
03:14Okay, okay. I get it. I get enough from Jess.
03:19What, what? Cramps? Cramps?
03:21Yeah.
03:22You okay? You okay?
03:23Yeah, I'm okay.
03:24Just breathe, just breathe.
03:27It hurt?
03:28Yeah, it hurts.
03:30It's okay, it's okay.
03:32Hey, take it easy. Take it easy. Be nice.
03:37You're going to be nice to people.
03:41Okay, okay. Just breathe. Breathe.
03:50Jessica? You're one of the few people whose name I've learned today.
03:55You look a little upset.
03:58I'm fine. I'm sorry, I'm just in a bit of a weird place right now.
04:04I'm sorry I interrupted earlier.
04:07That's no problem.
04:09My brother and I were both in a bit of a weird place.
04:13I'm sorry I interrupted earlier.
04:15That's no problem.
04:17My brother and I were both highly sensitive, but we're like night and day.
04:23My brother, he's fine. He's in a great marriage.
04:26I, on the other hand, I can't seem to get it right.
04:29That's actually why I'm here today.
04:32Well, this one's on the house.
04:34Really?
04:36Thank you so much.
04:44Go ahead.
04:49Jessica?
04:50Yes?
04:52You know, boundaries are really important for highly sensitive people.
04:56And because we have so much empathy, sometimes we don't have them and we're afraid of hurting other people.
05:02But we shouldn't hurt ourselves in the process.
05:14Their lecture.
05:16It spoke to me in so many ways I wasn't prepared for.
05:19Their cases sparked so many memories I began to notice a pattern.
05:23I was constantly making choices that put somebody else's means above my own.
05:28I knew that I had to set boundaries, that I should take control of my own life, but how?
05:33Hey!
05:34Why did you do that to me, Todd?
05:36You told me you don't like it when you do that.
05:38Hello? Hi, Monica.
05:40Hello? Hi, Monica.
05:42It's not your boss, it's me, Lizzy.
05:44Lizzy, sorry, can I call you right back?
05:48Hello?
05:50Okay.
05:51Hello? One second.
05:52Sorry, this is an emergency. It's my boss.
05:54Hi, Monica.
05:55Yeah, I just wanted to talk to you about, you know...
05:59No, I'm not getting writer's block.
06:01Actually, I can't do another post about fashion.
06:04Jacket?
06:05Jacket's stuck.
06:08Yeah, I just really want to write about things that will make a difference, you know?
06:12No, no, I don't want to do fashion.
06:15I mean, you know what?
06:20I didn't want to put it this way, but it's lifestyle or nothing.
06:25Great, I have my resignation email right here.
06:28I'll send it to you right away.
06:29Uh-huh, uh-huh, we're finished?
06:31Great, fine, bye.
06:34Hey, let me see my plan.
06:36Nina, baby, come here.
06:40Right, we saved her. We saved her.
06:43So they wouldn't put her down.
06:46Shut up!
06:49Hi, Nina. How are you, baby?
06:51Oh my gosh, Lizzy.
06:54Hey.
06:55Hey, love, I'm sorry.
06:57You know, I think I just quit my job.
06:59Oh, is that so?
07:01Yeah.
07:02Babe, can I call you back? One second.
07:04No, but I just wanted to...
07:07Hey, baby.
07:09What's up?
07:10It's very perceptive.
07:11What, is everything okay?
07:12It's almost like you're highly sensitive or something.
07:14Did you not hear the conversation I just had?
07:16I just quit my job.
07:18Really? Yeah, because it sounded like you were getting fired.
07:21No, they didn't even have time to say it. I beat them to the punch.
07:27It was dumb.
07:28And the dog?
07:30She's so sweet, babe.
07:33Come here, Nina.
07:35Come here, Nina.
07:36They were going to put her down. I saved her. Isn't she so cute?
07:40What's happening? Where are you going?
07:42Well, you and I finally have something in common.
07:46I quit my job too.
07:50What? Why?
07:51I'm...
07:54I'm leaving.
07:57Wait, wait. Can you just talk to me?
08:00What are you talking about? Where are you going?
08:02Can you just relax one second?
08:03I'm going to a law firm in Hollywood.
08:05You're going to Hollywood for a law job?
08:07Yes, ma'am.
08:08Okay, is this another one of your...
08:10You're going to be partners in a big law firm and it doesn't happen?
08:13Well, hold on now. They screwed me over.
08:15They screwed you over?
08:16Yeah.
08:17Is this about that legal secretary?
08:19You know what? Come on.
08:20Is she going to Hollywood too?
08:23No.
08:24Then what?
08:25You know what?
08:28What's the matter?
08:29It's you.
08:30It's you I'm done with, Miss Sensitive.
08:32Okay?
08:33I've always got to pick you up.
08:35Like, you just get nervous all of a sudden.
08:37Or, God forbid, you read an article on the Chronicle and you just start crying.
08:42This highly sensitive thing?
08:46It's what makes you a loser.
08:49This feeling, what other people feel, is just...
08:53It's just loser noise.
08:57I'm done with you. Okay?
08:59I've got to tidy you up out of my life.
09:01I've got to declutter you so I can focus on my own things.
09:07I, I, I, I, I, I...
09:09No, screw you, you, you.
09:11My God, you are a curse.
09:13You're bad juju. You're bad energy.
09:15And I'm so, I'm so tired of you being such a loser and dragging me down with you.
09:24Get over yourself, Todd!
09:26Keep your dog.
09:39In an instant, I no longer had a job or a boyfriend.
09:44There was part of me, deep down in my gut, that always knew it would come to this.
09:48That it was only a matter of time before my sensitivity brought everything in my life crashing down around me,
09:53the part of me that felt like nobody would ever love me.
09:58That I didn't belong anywhere.
10:01There was only one person who could make me feel otherwise.
10:05Who would make me feel less...
10:08Broken.
10:13Hey, Jess. I've been texting you.
10:16Hey, Jess. I've been texting you.
10:18How'd it go?
10:19Sorry. I, I had to turn off my phone.
10:22Oh. I thought maybe just the, um, lectures were that bad.
10:27Actually, that was the only good thing that happened to me today.
10:31Oh, boy. I know that sound.
10:35Let me guess, because I'm not a psychic or anything, but, um, this boyfriend of yours, um, Todd,
10:42he's floating like a butterfly, stinging like a bee.
10:46Am I right?
10:50Can I make a suggestion?
10:52I think you need to get away.
10:54Why don't you come out here to the Philippines and visit me, and just get away from all of that.
11:00You can clear your head, and I think it'll be really good for you.
11:04I need to stay close to Dad.
11:06Oh, Dad will be fine. He's a big boy. He can take care of himself.
11:11Everything you do for that guy anyway, he doesn't even appreciate.
11:15If you want to pick up and go, you can. He didn't have a problem doing it.
11:20Robbie, we all make mistakes.
11:23Jess, I know you want some connection with him, but you gotta stop living in the past.
11:30If you keep this up, you're just gonna fade away.
11:33And I don't want to see that happen. I want to be here for you.
11:36But in order for me to do that, I need you to be here.
11:39So get your butt on a plane and come visit your brother.
11:42We'll have some fun. Just get away from all of that.
11:45Maria would love to see you.
11:48Just trust me.
11:50Okay, brother.
11:51Okay. I love you.
11:53I love you too.
11:56Maria! Jessica's coming to visit!
12:00We're gonna have to fix her the back room, okay?
12:03And she eats a lot, so...
12:06Alright.
12:07Before I could make my way to the other side of the world, there was something I needed to handle.
12:12Or someone, I should say.
12:14He had been a constant source of pain in my life, and yet I could never stop trying to build a relationship.
12:21My brother had warned me that it was pointless, and yet I kept hoping that each encounter...
12:26Yeah, who is it?
12:27...would be a breakthrough.
12:28It's me, Dad.
12:29Jessica? Come in. Door's open.
12:36Cup of tea?
12:38Yes, please.
12:46Why are these photos out?
12:49I was just tidying up. Came across them, you know. Had a good look.
12:56This is my favorite photo of Mom.
12:58Yeah, me too. It's lovely, huh?
13:00Reminds me of Robbie.
13:03Yeah.
13:06You've never really been the family type, huh?
13:10Yeah, well, you know, not everybody is.
13:15Or maybe I'm just unlovable.
13:18Unlovable.
13:19So...
13:22You've split up with your boyfriend, you've lost your job, you need a place to crash, or is it money?
13:30Actually, I'm here to tell you that...
13:35I'm leaving for a bit. Maybe a couple of months or so.
13:40Why?
13:41Do you think you can watch over Milo while I'm gone?
13:45Yeah, I guess. I like the dog, but why the trip?
13:49I was thinking of visiting Robbie in Manila.
13:52You're running away to brother?
13:54Why can't you call him by his name?
13:56Because he's stubborn, and he's got no respect for anyone, let alone his old man.
14:01Does he remind you of anyone?
14:03Your brother's always been a runaway. First New York, then Hollywood, then Manila.
14:09You know, I think he only married a Filipina because your mum's a Filipina.
14:14He just can't face things.
14:16I know, I know, you're gonna say it. He's just like me.
14:21At least you know that much. He's just like you. Can't face things, runs away, buries himself in work.
14:28Just another one of us that's not the family type, right dad?
14:31Yeah, Jess, and he knows that.
14:35So, tell me, which one of us can't you forgive?
14:40I guess it's me.
14:42I suppose it was time to set a boundary, and that boundary was 7,000 miles wide.
15:12How beautiful, no, you don't know how beautiful
15:26And lost, and frightened, and angry, and broken
15:38And so I have to go
15:45Cause you don't know how beautiful you are
16:07Excuse me, young lady, you need some help?
16:14From the moment I landed, I already feel the sense of a fresh start.
16:18My brother is one of the only people who understands me.
16:22And I understand him.
16:38Maria, look who's here!
16:44You look so beautiful!
16:46You look beautiful!
16:48Look, look, look!
16:50Hello!
16:52I'm your auntie!
16:54Yes, you can say it to me.
16:56These are for you.
16:57Wow, this is beautiful.
16:58Let me help you with this.
16:59Thank you so much.
17:00Take a look, take a look.
17:01Welcome!
17:02Look what we got here!
17:03Is this the hotel?
17:04No, this is my home and your home.
17:07What? Your home? Are you kidding me?
17:09This is your house?
17:10Yeah.
17:12I love, love, love Robby's wife, Maria.
17:17She was born here to a Filipina mom and a Jewish dad.
17:22Then she went to the U.S. and struggled in elementary school but thrived at a big city university.
17:29So naturally, her and I can relate.
17:31But now she's back home with her people.
17:34And because of it, Robby got lucky and found a great wife.
17:39They both existed in two different worlds and were seeking an emotional home.
17:44They found it in each other.
17:46Wait, wait, wait, wait, where's the sign I told you to put up that says no boys allowed?
17:50Oh, come on.
17:51No boys allowed?
17:52It's so beautiful!
17:54We're going to keep it clean.
17:57I couldn't live here forever.
17:59I couldn't live here forever.
18:01Hey Jess, do you recognize any of this?
18:13You kept all these?
18:15At the end of the day, all we're left with are our memories.
18:22It's up to us to make sure they're good ones.
18:26I'm so happy you're here.
18:30I'm so happy to be here too.
18:40Todd and I never really connected.
18:42I don't even think he really loved me.
18:44I mean, the real me.
18:46The sensitive me.
18:49I was just a narcissistic jerk and a liar.
18:52Where'd you meet this guy again?
18:55The internet.
18:56The internet, that's right.
18:58I met him on the internet.
19:00Grow up.
19:01Hey, I'm not knocking it.
19:03I'm just saying, how do you really get to know someone on the internet?
19:08Now Maria and I, we met in person, through mutual friends, with real people.
19:16That's just something you get with that, that you're not going to get with some online dating site.
19:21You know what my biggest mistake was?
19:24That I got carried away with his looks.
19:27He looked so good in his photos, but in person?
19:31Awooga!
19:33He was even hotter.
19:35How does that even happen?
19:39So what you're trying to say is, he is now another ex.
19:47Gay.
19:52Sometimes I want to call him, just ask for him back.
19:55Other times I just want to fly across the world, literally.
20:00I really wish mom was here.
20:03Talk to you about all this stuff.
20:06I don't mind listening, but...
20:09I know if she was here, she'd be there for you.
20:14Something went wrong, huh?
20:17For the both of us?
20:19I just never thought there was anything to talk about.
20:23You were two years old.
20:25You seemed pretty happy with dad's new wife he got for Christmas.
20:31I already had a mom.
20:34I didn't need another one.
20:37And I didn't want to disillusion my little sister.
20:41Well, I'm a grown up now.
20:44So disillusion me.
20:47The story I've never been told.
20:50Rob?
20:51The real reason why Robby and I could be the way we are.
20:56The truth about our mother.
21:01I hear you've not been doing what Sarah asks of you.
21:04You are going to start treating her like a son should treat a mother.
21:09With respect, you hear me?
21:11And another thing.
21:13And another thing.
21:15Stop talking about your mother.
21:18She has gone.
21:20Get that through your head.
21:22It'll be better for Sarah.
21:24Better for Jessica.
21:25And better for you.
21:26Do you get me?
21:28Look at me, Rob.
21:29This is serious.
21:31I'm going to be going away for a few days, alright?
21:34And I need you to be strong.
21:36That's something new for you, isn't it?
21:38Strong.
21:40You are going to be the man here.
21:42And I need you to be the man.
21:44I need you to be strong so that Sarah has someone to trust.
21:47So do not rock the boat.
21:50And for goodness sake, stop crying.
21:59I'm sorry, right?
22:00This is hard for me too.
22:03Rob.
22:06When I see your face, either you or your sister.
22:09I see your mother.
22:11I see her face.
22:13Sarah is the best I can do.
22:16Okay?
22:19Okay?
22:25Well, how did you deal with all the grief throughout the years?
22:31I guess I had it stored away in the old hard drive.
22:36I didn't want to bum you out.
22:38You seem to like Sarah.
22:43Well, now can I disillusion you?
22:46Do it.
22:48I tried so hard to please Dad.
22:52And to please Dad, I had to please Sarah.
22:59Imagine I had to do all that just to get them to love me.
23:05And if I was good at one thing, I was good at people pleasing.
23:10The whole time, I thought we were getting close, Sarah and I.
23:15And one day, Dad and her were fighting about something and...
23:21Did you ever really like me, Ma? Sarah?
23:26She outright said she did not like me.
23:31She thought I was stuck up and high maintenance.
23:37She's one to talk.
23:42She thought you and I had some sort of disease that was passed down from Mom.
23:51She said bad genetics.
24:01I'm sorry.
24:04You must have felt backstabbed.
24:07More like worthless.
24:30Jesus.
24:44Jeez Louise, guy.
25:01I love you.
25:04I love you too.
25:31Okay.
25:34I want this to be a recording of where I am presently.
25:40June 25th.
25:42Physically, I'm here in Manila with my brother.
25:47But mentally...
25:50I guess...
25:54I've known for most of my life that I was different.
25:57I thought that there was something wrong with me.
26:00It all started when Mom was gone.
26:04Without her, Dad grew more distant than ever before.
26:08All too soon, he moved on with a new wife.
26:11And I suspected he wished he could move on with new children as well.
26:15I never knew how much my father had hurt my brother.
26:19But Robby threw himself into his music and found a wife that he loved.
26:23But Robby threw himself into his music and found a wife that understood him.
26:28But I found Todd.
26:31At first, I thought we were a great match.
26:34It wasn't until later that I realized he was a narcissist.
26:38I was so willing to open my heart and my mind to another, but...
26:42It was all about him.
26:44When I would get upset or overwhelmed, he would get so angry.
26:49He could not deal with my sensitivity.
26:53You see, I am an HSP.
26:57A highly sensitive person.
27:02Oh, but for now, more sibling bonding time.
27:07There she is.
27:09Oh, sorry.
27:11Hi, good morning!
27:13You're up. Guess that jet lag's no joke, huh?
27:17Well, I've been feeling a little queasy, but I think I'll be fine.
27:20I think you'll be fine. What are you up to?
27:23I was looking at this map earlier and I was thinking maybe I should go explore Motherland.
27:28Really?
27:30Well, I can take you. Or I can get you a driver.
27:32No, no, no. I want to go like full explore mode. I want to do it the way the locals do it.
27:36But maybe you can drop me off at the Guadalupe Ferry?
27:40Nice. Done.
27:42You're really going to enjoy this. It's an amazing experience there.
27:45Well, you know me. I am the sensitive type that gets bored easily.
27:48Yeah, I do know you. One foot on the gas, one foot on the brake at the exact same time.
27:53Well, this time it's on the gas.
27:57Well, get your stuff and I'll meet you at the front.
27:59Okay, okay. Wait, one second, okay?
28:19Wait.
28:35Hello, my love. I'm so happy to see your face.
28:38I'm so glad you called.
28:40I missed you too.
28:43Can you see where I am? Isn't this beautiful?
28:46It's beautiful.
28:48How's Rob and Maria?
28:50They're great.
28:52Oh my gosh. You should hear Rob's music. He's producing crazy stuff.
28:56And guess what? They have a kid on the way.
29:00What? A kid?
29:03I can't imagine Rob with a kid.
29:06Anyway, I saw your video.
29:10What are you talking about? I didn't post any video.
29:13The video that you posted?
29:15No.
29:19Can you remind me of what it was like?
29:22You were talking about Rob and Lyle?
29:25About your parents?
29:27Girl, I never knew that.
29:29You went really deep.
29:33You saw that?
29:35Mm-hmm.
29:37Oh my gosh, Elizabeth. I'm so scattered.
29:40That wasn't for the public. That was a personal video.
29:43Um, what am I going to tell Rob?
29:46You've got really good feedback.
29:49You know what? Can you hold one second? I'll just check.
29:53So many comments.
29:55Oh my God.
29:57One person said,
29:59I went through the same thing and I went through therapy for years.
30:03Another said,
30:05sensitive people are magnets for narcissists.
30:10Tell me about it.
30:11Aw, this is nice.
30:13You're so brave. I want to hug you.
30:16I mean, this is crazy, but...
30:19Um, you know what?
30:21Elizabeth, I'll call you back because we're going to get off the boat
30:24and I'll just talk to you later, okay?
30:26Thanks for telling me.
30:28Love you.
30:30Love you.
30:42Hi, darling.
30:44Hey, how are you?
30:46Oh, you look nice.
30:48It's nice to see you again.
30:50Good to see you. Have a seat.
30:52You seem to put on a little weight.
30:54Okay.
30:56I guess I'm getting a little too comfortable in my new home recording studio.
31:00I hardly leave the house anymore and I just sit around eating all I want.
31:04Atta boy.
31:06You know what?
31:07I hardly leave the house anymore and I just sit around eating all I want.
31:10Atta boy.
31:12So, what's up?
31:16You seem to look a little anxious for someone who's so comfy.
31:23Listen, come outside.
31:26My sister, she's in town visiting.
31:29And I think she needs help.
31:31I think she could use your help.
31:33She's going through this really bad breakup with her boyfriend
31:37and she's miserable.
31:39Was she miserable in the relationship?
31:42Do you see this as a pattern?
31:45I mean, she's always gone from guy to guy.
31:49She's real clingy, but she's the kind of person all she's ever wanted
31:53was to find that one person to give her heart to.
31:56And she's beautiful. She's so smart.
31:59She's a brilliant writer, but when it comes to men, she's just really, really bad.
32:04I'm afraid to answer the phone.
32:05Hey Rob, I met this new guy and I'm in love.
32:08And... crash and burn every time.
32:12But I'm coming to you because what makes things worse, she's an HSP.
32:19For worse or better?
32:24Robby, highly sensitive people learn faster from their mistakes.
32:30At least from my experience.
32:31Yeah, but first they have to accept the fact that they've made a mistake.
32:37Just between us, I think highly sensitive people can change the world.
32:45So, alright, send it to me.
32:48Really?
32:49Yes.
32:51Salamat.
32:53Walang anuma.
32:56So tell me, how's it going with Lyle?
32:58Good old Lyle.
33:00Well, my sister, the mother hen that she is, she keeps trying to get me to break the ice with him.
33:09She even wants me to call him dad every once in a while.
33:12But why not? He is your father.
33:16Listen Rob, I'm going to tell you this as a friend and not as a therapist.
33:24You need to deal with this.
33:27You need to heal yourself.
33:30What do you really want?
33:32You don't want to be stuck in the past.
33:34Alright, then let's look at your future then.
33:37You have to choose to try to either forgive and embrace the man who is your father and accept all his flaws.
33:48Or...
33:49Accept all his flaws.
33:52Or what?
33:55Ask yourself what is it exactly you want to see happen.
34:03And I'm telling you that for free.
34:19Right in the back streets of Manila.
34:23I left my heart and soul.
34:26I hope the DJ understands.
34:30Tonight I lose control.
34:34As the dust begins to fall.
34:39I'm floating on top of the clouds.
34:43So time just melts away.
34:46I had already been overwhelmed by the city when I saw it.
34:51Children.
34:53The poor children laughing and playing while behind them the innocent backdrop of the sea of garbage.
35:00Endless litter giving tragedy to their surroundings.
35:07I felt the pain behind their eyes.
35:10The suffering of the life they've been born into.
35:13Their stares ripped through me, destroying the last safe thread I was gripping onto.
35:43Hi ma'am, are you alright?
35:55Are you okay?
35:57Yeah, sorry.
36:00Do you need anything?
36:04Why are you crying?
36:07I think I just... I've never seen anything like this.
36:12Don't worry, we're doing something about it, something positive.
36:17Our river warriors are doing everything we can to clean the rivers, the waterways.
36:23It was neglected by the people before us.
36:27We need people like you to educate them and to teach them that what they're doing is wrong.
36:33Take pictures and show everybody around the world.
36:37You're doing a wonderful thing.
36:39Thank you ma'am.
36:42I was gutted by what I had seen.
36:45Something about those children stuck with me.
36:48They were living in such horrible conditions.