A regular girl, Veronica, tries to survive the social jungle of high school by sticking with the three most popular girls at school HD ( Comedy )
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00:00Dear Diary, Heather told me she teaches people real life.
00:10She said, real life sucks losers dry.
00:14If you want to fuck with the eagles, you have to learn to fly.
00:18I said, so you teach people how to spread their wings and fly?
00:23She said, yes.
00:25I said, you're beautiful.
00:27God, come on, Veronica.
00:30What is your damage, Heather?
00:32Don't blame me. Blame Heather.
00:34She told me to haul your ass into the cab pronto.
00:37Pack me up, Heather.
00:39Yeah, she really wants to talk to you, Veronica.
00:42Okay, I'm going. Jesus Christ.
00:46What the fuck?
00:54Hello, Heather.
00:56Veronica, finally.
00:59I got a note of Kurt Kelly's.
01:01I need you to forge a hot and horny, but realistically low-key note in Kurt's handwriting,
01:06and we'll slip it onto Martha Dumpchuck's lunch tray.
01:08Shit, Heather, I don't have anything against Martha Dumpstock.
01:11You don't have anything for her, either.
01:14Come on, it'll be very.
01:16The note will give her shower nozzle masturbation material for weeks.
01:23Think about it.
01:25Don't think.
01:33Veronica needs something to write on. Heather, bend over.
01:37Yeah.
01:42Dear Martha, you're so sweet.
01:45I'm telling you, man, it would be so righteous to be in a Veronica Sawyer-Heather Chandler sandwich.
01:50Oh, hell yes.
01:52I want to get a Heather and put her on my Johnson's and start spitting around like a goddamn pinwheel.
01:57Punch it in.
02:07Oh.
02:29Westerberg feeds the world. Come on, people.
02:31Let's give that leftover lunch money to people who don't have lunches.
02:35God, aren't they fed yet?
02:37Do they even have Thanksgiving in Africa?
02:40Oh, sure. Pilgrims, Indians, cater talks.
02:43It's a real party continent.
02:45Sawyer, guess what today is.
02:48Ouch. Lunchtime poll?
02:51So what's the question? Yeah, so what's the question, Heather?
02:54Goddamn, Heather, you were with me in study hall when I thought of it.
02:58I forgot.
03:00Such a pillowcase.
03:04This wouldn't be that bizarro thing you were babbling about over the phone last night, would it?
03:08Of course it is.
03:11I told Dennis if he gives me another political topic, I'd spew burrito chunks.
03:23Oh, Veronica, I'm sorry.
03:26Betty Finn. Gosh.
03:28Hey, I'm really sorry I couldn't make it to your birthday party last month.
03:31It's okay. Your mom said you had a big date.
03:34I'd probably miss my own birthday for a date.
03:37Don't say that. You know what?
03:39I was looking around the other day, and I dug up these old photographs.
03:45Oh, they're great.
03:48Come on, Veronica. I was talking to somebody.
03:52Oh, great. Here comes Heather.
03:55Oh, shit.
03:57Hi, Courtney. I love your card again.
04:00Thanks. I just got a last-line delimited.
04:03Like, totally blew my allowance.
04:06Now, check this out.
04:08You win $5 million from the publisher's sweepstakes,
04:11and the same day that big-head guy gives you the check,
04:14aliens are going to come after you.
04:17And the same day that big-head guy gives you the check,
04:20aliens land on the earth and say they're going to blow up the world in two days.
04:24What do you do?
04:26That's easy.
04:28I just slide that wad over to my father,
04:31because he is, like, one of the top brokers in the state.
04:34If I got that money, I'd give it all to the homeless.
04:38Every cent.
04:40You're beautiful.
04:43If you're going to openly be a bitch...
04:45It's just, Heather, why can't we talk to different kinds of people?
04:48Fuck me gently with a chainsaw.
04:50Do I look like Mother Teresa?
04:52If I did, I probably wouldn't mind talking to the geek squad.
04:58Did you see that?
05:00Heather, number one, just looked right at me.
05:03Does it not bother you that everybody in this school thinks that you're a piranha?
05:07Like I give a shit.
05:09Like I give a shit.
05:11They all want me as a friend or a fuck.
05:14I'm worshipped at Westerberg, and I'm only a junior.
05:27I can't believe this.
05:29We're going to a party at Remington University tonight,
05:32and we're brushing up on our conversational skills with the scum of the school.
05:37Hi.
05:39Hi.
05:41So this is what's called a lunchtime poll.
05:44You win $5 million in the publisher's sweepstakes,
05:47and the same day that What's-His-Face gives you the check,
05:50aliens land on Earth and say they're going to blow up the world in two days.
05:54What are you going to do with the money?
05:56I'd go to Egypt.
05:58With a girl.
06:00I'd use the money for an end-of-the-world get-together.
06:03I'd pay Madonna a million bucks to sit on my face
06:06and have a ride like the Kentucky Derby.
06:08That's got to be the most spooky-ass question I ever heard.
06:11All right, this is important. After taxes are only beginning...
06:14She should pay me, though.
06:16You go to the zoo and you get a lion,
06:18and then you put a remote-controlled bomb up its butt,
06:21and then there's social security, legal fees.
06:24You push the button on the bomb, and you and the lion die like one.
06:28What?
06:31What?
06:37Oh, my God. Here we go.
06:57Oh, my God.
06:59Oh!
07:21Hi, Veronica. Five keeps the neighborhood alive.
07:25You wanted to be a member of the most powerful clique in school.
07:29If I wasn't already the head of it, I'd want the same thing.
07:33Come on, Veronica. You used to have a sense of humor.
07:40Veronica, could you come back here a minute?
07:44True friend's work is never done.
07:46Gross.
07:48Grow up, Heather. Bulimia's so 87.
07:52You know, maybe you should see a doctor.
07:54Yeah, maybe.
07:56Come on, Heather. Let's take another look at today's lunch.
08:14God, Veronica Drolmuch?
08:17His name was Jason Dean.
08:20His name was Jason Dean. He's in my American history.
08:34Hello, Jason Dean.
08:36Greetings and salutations.
08:39Are you a Heather?
08:42No. I'm a Veronica.
08:45Sawyer.
08:48This may seem like a really stupid question.
08:51There are no stupid questions.
08:55You inherit $5 million the same day aliens land on the Earth
08:59and say they're gonna blow it up in two days.
09:02What do you do?
09:05That's the stupidest question I've ever heard.
09:09Who's that guy in the coat think he is, anyways?
09:12Poe Diddley?
09:14Veronica's into his act, no doubt.
09:17I don't know. Probably row out to the middle of a lake somewhere,
09:20bring along a bottle of tequila, my sacks, and some Bach.
09:27How very.
09:31Come on, Veronica.
09:35Later.
09:37Definitely.
09:40Let's kick his ass.
09:42Shit, Ram. We're seniors, man.
09:45We're too old for that kind of crap.
09:48Let's give him a good scare, though.
09:56You're gonna eat this?
09:58What did your boyfriend say
10:00when you told him you were moving to Sherwood, Ohio?
10:03Answer him, dick.
10:05Hey, Ram, doesn't this cafeteria have a no fags allowed rule?
10:09Oh, yeah.
10:11They seem to have an open-door policy for assholes, though, don't they?
10:17What did you say, dickhead?
10:20I'll repeat myself.
10:26God, they won't expel him.
10:28They'll just suspend him for a week or something.
10:31He used a real gun.
10:33Throw his ass in jail.
10:35No way. He used blanks.
10:37All J.D. really did was ruin two pairs of pants.
10:40Maybe not even that.
10:42Can you bleach out urine stains?
10:45You seem pretty amused.
10:47I thought you had given up on high school guys.
10:50Never say never.
10:55So what are you gonna do, Heather?
10:57Take the two shots or send me out?
11:01Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast?
11:04First you ask if you can be red,
11:07knowing that I'm always red.
11:13Shit.
11:16It's your turn, Heather.
11:24Easy shot, Heather.
11:26No way, no day.
11:28Give it up, girl.
11:38Holy shit.
11:40That was incredible.
11:44So tonight's the night. Are you two excited?
11:47I'm giving Veronica her shot,
11:50her first Remington party.
11:52You blow it tonight, girl,
11:54and it's keggers with kids all next year.
11:59Why?
12:01Why not?
12:03Heather, your mother's here.
12:05Come on, whoever wants a ride.
12:09Bye. Thank you.
12:11Bye. Bye, girls.
12:13Hey, take a break. Veronica, sit down.
12:16Hey, Veronica, sit down.
12:18Hey, Veronica, sit down.
12:20Hey, Veronica, sit down.
12:22Hey, Veronica, sit down.
12:24Hey, Veronica, sit down.
12:27So what was the first week of spring vacation withdrawal like?
12:32I don't know. It was okay, I guess.
12:35Hey, kid, isn't the prom coming up?
12:38I guess.
12:40Any contestants worth mentioning?
12:42Maybe.
12:44There's kind of a dark horse in the running.
12:47Goddamn, will somebody tell me why I read these spy novels.
12:52Because you're an idiot.
12:54Oh, yeah, that's it.
12:56You too.
12:58Great pate, but I got a motor if I want to be ready for that party tonight.
13:06Corn nuts!
13:08BQ or plain?
13:10BQ.
13:14You gonna pull a super chug with that?
13:18No, but if you're nice, I'll let you buy me a slushie.
13:22I see you know your convenience speak pretty well.
13:26Yeah, well, I've been moved around all my life.
13:30Dallas, Baton Rouge, Vegas,
13:34Sherwood, Ohio.
13:36There's always been a snappy snack shack.
13:39Any town, any time.
13:41Pop a ham and cheese in the microwave and feast on a turbo dog.
13:46Keeps me sane.
13:48Really?
13:51Really.
13:55That thing you pulled in the calf today was pretty severe.
13:59Yeah, well, the extreme always seems to make an impression.
14:07Did you say a cherry or Coke slushie?
14:10I didn't. Cherry.
14:20Great bike.
14:22Yeah, just a humble perk for my dad's construction company.
14:27You've seen the commercial, right?
14:29Bringing every state to a higher state.
14:31Wait a minute.
14:33Jason Dean, your pop's big bud Dean Construction?
14:36Must be rough moving place to place.
14:39Well, everybody's life has got static.
14:42Is your life perfect?
14:44Oh, yeah, I'm on my way to a party at Remington University.
14:50No, my life's not perfect.
14:53I don't really like my friends.
14:55Yeah, I, uh, I don't really like your friends either.
15:00Well, it's just like there are people I work with
15:04and our job is being popular and shit.
15:08Maybe it's time to take a vacation.
15:20Hello, ladies.
15:22Throw your coats on the floor.
15:24Uh, Veronica, this is Brett.
15:26Excellent.
15:28Did you girls bring your partying slippers, huh?
15:31Let's party.
15:33She loves to party.
15:40Dear diary, I want to kill,
15:42and you have to believe it's for more than just selfish reasons,
15:46more than just a spoke in my menstrual cycle.
15:49You have to believe me.
15:51It's so great to be able to talk to a girl
15:53and not have to ask what's your major.
15:55I hate that.
16:03So, when you go to college,
16:06what subjects do you think of studying?
16:11Come on, David, shouldn't we get back to the party?
16:14We will.
16:16It's just you're so hot tonight.
16:19I can't control myself.
16:31Oh, Christ, I can't explain it,
16:33but I'm allowed an understanding
16:35that my parents and these Remington University assholes
16:38have chosen to ignore.
16:40I understand that I must stop Heather.
16:49Oh, my God.
16:51Oh, my God.
17:17How's my little cheerleader, huh?
17:21Oh, I know everyone at your high school isn't so uptight.
17:26Come on.
17:28Come on, Alec, I don't feel so good, okay?
17:30Hey, let's do it on the coach. It'll be excellent, huh?
17:33You know, I have a little prepared speech I tell my suitor
17:36when he wants more than I'd like to give him.
17:38Gee, Blake, I had a really nice...
17:40Save the speeches for Malcolm X.
17:44I just want to get laid.
17:47You don't deserve my fucking speech.
17:51Betty Finn was a true friend,
17:53and I sold her out for a bunch of swatch dogs and Diet Coke heads.
17:57Killing Heather would be like offing the Wicked Witch of the West.
18:00Wait, East-West? God, I sound like a fucking psycho.
18:16What's your damage? Brad says you're being a real coos.
18:19Heather, I feel really sick, like I'm going to throw up,
18:21so can we please jam now?
18:23No. Hell no.
18:37Tomorrow I'll be kissing her aerobicized ass,
18:40but tonight let me dream of a world without Heather,
18:43a world where I am free.
18:52You stupid fuck.
18:55You goddamn bitch.
18:57You were nothing before you met me.
18:59You were playing Barbies with Betty Finn.
19:02You were a bluebird.
19:04You were a brownie.
19:06You were a Girl Scout cookie.
19:08I got you into a Remington party.
19:11It's my thanks.
19:13It's on the hallway carpet.
19:15I got peed in puke.
19:17Lick it up, baby. Lick it up.
19:22Monday morning, your history.
19:24I'll tell everyone about tonight.
19:26Transfer to Washington.
19:28Transfer to Jefferson.
19:30No one at Westerberg's going to let you play their reindeer games.
19:42Dreadful etiquette. I apologize.
19:46It's okay.
19:49I saw the croquet set up in the back.
19:52You up for a match?
20:07This is my, uh, first game of strip croquet.
20:11You're welcome.
20:13It's a lot more interesting than just flinging off your clothes
20:17and boning away on a neighbor's swing set.
20:20There's a lot to be said for throwing off your...
20:26What a night.
20:28What a life.
20:30They wanted to move me into high school out of the sixth grade
20:34because I was supposed to be this big genius.
20:37Then we decided to chuck the idea
20:39because I'd have trouble making friends, blah, blah, blah.
20:43Now blah, blah, blah is all I do.
20:45I use my grand I.Q. to decide what color gloss to wear
20:48and how to hit three keggers before a curfew.
20:52Mm.
20:58Heather Chandler is one bitch that deserves to die.
21:02Killing her won't solve anything.
21:05I say we just grow up, be adults, and die.
21:11But before that,
21:13I'd like to see Heather Chandler puke her guts out.
21:17Oh.
21:22It drives me.
21:24She skips the Saturday morning trip to Grandma's
21:27even when she's not hungover.
21:30We'll just concoct ourselves a little hangover cure
21:34that'll induce her to spew red, white, and blue then.
21:38What about, like, milk and orange juice?
21:41What's the upchuck factor on that?
21:44I'm a no-rest-build-up man myself.
21:47Don't be a dick.
21:49It'll kill her.
21:57I know we can cook up some soup and put it in a Coke.
22:02That's pretty sick, eh?
22:04Now, should it be chicken noodle or bean with bacon?
22:08Put a lid on that stuff.
22:10Say we go with big blue here.
22:12What are you talking about?
22:14She would never drink anything that looked like that anyway.
22:19So we'll, uh, put it in this.
22:22She won't be able to see what she's drinking.
22:25Let me get a cup, jerk.
22:31Okay.
22:33Milk and orange juice.
22:35Hmm.
22:37Maybe we could, like, cough up a phlegm glob or something.
22:41Mm.
22:44Ahem.
22:46Ahem.
22:48Ahem.
22:53No.
22:55Oh, well, milk and orange juice will do quite nicely.
22:59The chicken?
23:02You're not funny.
23:05I'm sorry.
23:20Uh, Veronica?
23:22What?
23:24Uh, never mind.
23:26I'll, uh...
23:28I'll get it.
23:30I'll get it.
23:32Never mind. I'll, uh, carry the cup.
23:39Morning, Heather.
23:43Veronica.
23:45And Jesse James.
23:47Kelsey, please.
23:49Hear about Veronica's affection for regurgitation?
23:53Heather, I think last night we both said a lot of stuff we didn't mean.
23:56Did we?
23:58How the hell did you get in here?
24:00Um...
24:02Veronica knew you'd have a hangover,
24:04so, uh, I whipped this up for you.
24:06It's a family recipe.
24:08What did you do, put a phlegm glob in it or something?
24:11I'm not gonna drink that piss.
24:13I knew this stuff would be too intense for her.
24:18Intense?
24:20Grow up.
24:22You think I'll drink it just because you call me chicken?
24:30Just give me the cup, jerk.
24:50Corn nuts!
25:00Oh.
25:08Oh, my God.
25:10I can't believe it.
25:13I just killed my best friend.
25:15And your worst enemy.
25:17Same difference.
25:19Oh, my God.
25:28What are we gonna tell the cops?
25:32What, fuck it if she can't take a joke, Sarge?
25:35Oh, God.
25:37I can't believe this is my life.
25:40Oh, my God.
25:43I'm gonna have to send my SAT scores to San Quentin instead of Stanford.
25:49Oh.
25:51All right, I'm just a little freaked here.
25:55At least you got what you wanted, you know?
25:58Got what I wanted?
26:00It is one thing to want somebody out of your life.
26:03It is another thing to serve them a wake-up cup full of liquid trainer.
26:07Oh.
26:19Ah.
26:31All right, we, uh, we did a murder.
26:34Now, that's a crime.
26:36But, uh, this were like a suicide thing, you know?
26:44Like a suicide thing?
26:46Yeah.
26:48I mean, uh, you can do Heather's handwriting as well as your own, right?
26:54Right?
27:02Yeah.
27:06You might think what I've done is shocking.
27:09Yeah.
27:12Um...
27:15To me, though, suicide is the natural answer to the myriad of problems life has given me.
27:21That's good, but Heather would never use the word myriad.
27:25This is the last thing she'll ever write.
27:27She's gonna want to cash in on as many 50-cent words as possible.
27:31Yeah, but she missed myriad on the vocab test two weeks ago.
27:34That only proves my point more.
27:36The word is a badge for her failures at school.
27:39Oh.
27:41Okay, you're probably right.
27:43Um...
27:45People think just because you're beautiful and popular,
27:51life is easy and fun.
27:55Yeah.
27:57No one understood I had feelings, too.
28:03I die knowing no one knew the real me.
28:09It's good.
28:11Have you done this before?
28:17Any other principal would take the same position.
28:20Keep things business as usual.
28:22Heather Channel is not your everyday suicide.
28:24She was very popular.
28:26Come on, Paul.
28:28If I let these kids out before lunch,
28:30the switchboard would light up like a Christmas tree.
28:32I must say I was impressed to see
28:34that she made proper use of the word myriad in her suicide note.
28:38I find it profoundly disturbing
28:41that we're told of the tragic destruction of youth,
28:45and all we can think to talk about
28:47is adequate morning times and misused vocabulary words?
28:51Oh, Christ.
28:53We must revel in this revealing moment.
28:56Look, I suggest that we get everybody together,
28:59both students and teachers in the cafeteria,
29:02and just talk and feel together.
29:07Thank you, Ms. Fleming.
29:09You call me when the shuttle lands.
29:11Now, is this Heather the cheerleader?
29:14That would be Heather McNamara.
29:16Oh, damn.
29:18I'd be willing to go half a day for a cheerleader.
29:21God, it's unfair.
29:23God, it's unfair.
29:25It's just so unfair.
29:27We should get off a whole week, not just an hour.
29:30Write the school board.
29:32Watch it, Heather. You might be digesting food there.
29:35Yeah, where's your urge to purge?
29:37Fuck it.
29:39Look.
29:41Heather left behind one of her swatches.
29:47She'd want you to have it, Veronica.
29:51She always said you couldn't accessorize for shit.
29:55Sorry to hear about your friend.
29:57Thought she was your usual airhead bitch.
30:00Guess I was wrong.
30:02We all were.
30:06What a waste.
30:09Oh, the humanity.
30:12Veronica?
30:22Veronica?
30:24What are you doing?
30:36Veronica?
30:39I'm just so thrilled
30:43to finally have an example of the profound sensitivity
30:47of which a human animal is capable.
30:50That example is Heather Chandler.
30:53I have her note.
30:56Now, I'm gonna pass this note around the class
31:00so you can all feel its pathetic beauty for yourself.
31:04And while we do this, I think it's a good opportunity
31:07to share the feelings
31:10that this suicide has spurred in all of us.
31:13Now, who would like to begin?
31:16I heard it was really gnarly.
31:18She sucked down a bowl of multipurpose deodorizing
31:21disinfectant and then smashed!
31:23Uh, now, Tracy, let's not rehash the coroner's report.
31:27Let's talk emotions.
31:29Um, Heather and I have a lot in common.
31:32Um, Heather and I used to go out,
31:35but she said I was boring.
31:37But now I realize I really wasn't boring.
31:40It's just that she was dissatisfied with her life.
31:45That's very good, Peter.
31:55Are we gonna be tested on this?
31:58You know, we weren't the same size,
32:01but sometimes we could borrow each other's clothes
32:04and mix it up. It was fun.
32:06I remember I won her a rhino at the 4-H club.
32:09Oh, you're an asshole. Mute him.
32:11You know, we liked the same kind of clothes.
32:14Heather, how many networks did you run to?
32:16We liked a lot of the same things.
32:18It's just not gonna be the same here without her.
32:21What are you talking about? You hated her. She hated you.
32:24Every English class, I look forward to seeing her.
32:27I think Chandler's more popular than ever now.
32:31Scary stuff.
32:33Yeah.
32:35Hey, son, I didn't hear you come in.
32:38Hey, Dad. How was work today?
32:45It was miserable.
32:47Some damn tribe of withered old bitches
32:50doesn't want us to terminate that flea bag hotel.
32:53All because Glenn Miller and his band once took a shit there.
32:56Just like Kansas.
32:58You remember fucking Kansas?
33:00Yeah, that was the one with the wheat, right?
33:03Yeah, save the Memorial Oak Tree Society.
33:06Showed those fucks.
33:09Yeah, 30 of those Fourth of July fireworks
33:12attached to the trunk.
33:14Rain but acquitted.
33:16Gosh, Pop, I almost forgot to introduce my girlfriend.
33:19Oh.
33:21Veronica, this is my dad, Dad Veronica.
33:24Hi.
33:27Son, why don't you ask your little friend to stay for dinner?
33:31I can't.
33:33My mom's making my favorite meal tonight.
33:35Spaghetti, lots of oregano.
33:37How nice.
33:39Last time I saw my mom,
33:41she was waving from a library window in Texas.
33:44Right, Dad?
33:46Right.
33:49Son.
33:53Right.
33:57Hey, take a break, Veronica. Sit down.
34:02So, what was the first day after Heather's suicide like?
34:06I don't know. It was okay, I guess.
34:09Terrible thing.
34:11So, will we get to meet this dark horse prom contender?
34:15Maybe.
34:18Goddamn, will somebody tell me why I smoke these damn things?
34:22Because you're an idiot.
34:25Oh, yeah, that's it.
34:27You, too.
34:29Great, Pat, but I'm going to have to motor
34:31if I want to be ready for that funeral.
34:38I blame not Heather,
34:41but rather a society that tells its youth
34:46that the answers can be found in the MTV video games.
34:52We must pray that the other teenagers of Sherwood, Ohio
34:56know the name of that righteous dude
35:00who can solve their problems.
35:03It's Jesus Christ, and he's in the book.
35:08Amen.
35:16Oh, God, this is a tragic thing,
35:18and sometimes I have a hard time dealing with it and stuff.
35:21Please send Heather to heaven and all that.
35:24Dear God, please make sure this never happens to me,
35:27because I don't think I can handle suicide.
35:29Fast early acceptance into an Ivy League school,
35:31and please let it be Harvard. Amen.
35:34Jesus God in heaven,
35:36why'd you have to kill such hot snatch?
35:39It's a joke, man.
35:41Jeez, people are so serious.
35:43Kill Mary who aren't in heaven,
35:45pray for all the sinners so we don't get caught.
35:48Another joke, man.
35:50I prayed for the death of Heather Chandler many times,
35:53and I felt bad every time I did it,
35:55but I kept doing it anyway.
35:57Now I know you understood everything.
36:00Praise Jesus. Hallelujah.
36:04Hi, I'm sorry.
36:06Technically, I did not kill Heather Chandler,
36:09but hey, who am I trying to kid, right?
36:12I just want my high school to be a nice place.
36:15Amen.
36:17Did that sound bitchy?
36:23Veronica!
36:25What are you doing tonight?
36:27I don't know.
36:29Morning. Maybe watch some TV.
36:32Why?
36:34Well, Ram asked me out tonight,
36:37but he wants to double with Kurt,
36:40and Kurt doesn't have a date.
36:42Heather, I have something going with J.D.
36:45Please, Veronica, put Billy the Kid on hold tonight.
36:48He'll be your best friend.
36:53So are we on a nightmare or what?
36:56I don't know.
36:58Still got to talk to Heather, dude.
37:01Weird funeral, huh?
37:03That pudwapper just stepped on my foot.
37:06Let's kick his ass.
37:08Pull off.
37:10We're seniors.
37:12Goddamn geek.
37:14Ah, well, sit and spin.
37:17That little prick.
37:31You piece of shit fat. You like to suck big dicks?
37:34Cut it out.
37:36Say I like to suck big dicks.
37:38Leave him alone, Ram.
37:41Ow!
37:43Say it!
37:48Say it!
37:50Okay, okay.
37:52You like to suck big dicks.
37:54Ow!
37:59I like to suck big dicks.
38:02Mmm! Mmm!
38:04I can't get enough of them. Are you satisfied?
38:07Don't worry. Ram's been so sweet lately,
38:10consoling me and stuff.
38:12It'll be really very.
38:14Promise.
38:16Okay, just as long as it's not gonna be one of those nights
38:19where they get shit-faced and take us to a pasture to tip cows.
38:24Is it sleeping, dude?
38:26I think so, man.
38:28Shit.
38:30Come here.
38:32Oh, shit.
38:34God, tipping's the fucking greatest.
38:36Push it in.
38:38Ow!
38:40Shit.
38:42On the count of three, guy.
38:44One, two, three.
38:48One, two, three.
39:01When I get that feeling,
39:03I need sexual healing.
39:06Yeah, right, asshole.
39:14What is this shit?
39:19What?
39:23I'm doing a favor for Heather.
39:25Double date.
39:27I tried to tell you at the funeral, but you wrote off.
39:29Motherfucking Heather.
39:34I'm sorry. I'm, uh, just feeling a little superior tonight.
39:39Seven schools in seven states,
39:41and the only thing different is my locker combination.
39:46Our love is God.
39:49Let's go get a slushie.
40:02I'm not belittling the Foodless Fund, Peter.
40:05It's just that we're talking teen suicide here.
40:07I mean, ask Allison.
40:09The number-one song in America today is
40:11Teenage Suicide Don't Do It by Big Funk.
40:13Jesus, man, Westerberg finally got one of these things,
40:15and I'm not gonna blow it.
40:17Great. So Heather gets the front page,
40:19and I get crammed in by the Taco Bell coupon.
40:22Hi, guys.
40:24Came to check up on this week's lunchtime pool topic.
40:27Hey, don't worry about it, Veronica. Sit down, huh?
40:31That funeral yesterday must have really been rough, huh?
40:35Oh, yeah.
40:37We were wondering if you had any poems,
40:41artwork that Heather did that we can put
40:43in the Heather Chandler yearbook spread.
40:45What?
40:47Take a look.
40:49It's a two-page layout with her suicide note
40:51right up here in the corner.
40:54It's more tasteful than it sounds.
40:57I don't know, Dennis.
40:59This stuff leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
41:01Like last night, Veronica?
41:07Excuse me? I don't get it.
41:10Oh, you did last night.
41:12Kurt told us of your little date.
41:14Yeah, and?
41:16I left him drunk and flailing in cow shit.
41:18Well, I don't know. He was really detailed.
41:21Shut up, Courtney.
41:23No, don't shut up.
41:25I'd like to know exactly what I did.
41:27Come on, Veronica.
41:29I'll show you the lunchtime pool topic.
41:34What the fuck?
41:36Okay, now, I rarely listen to Neanderthals like Kurt Kelly,
41:39but he said that he and Ram
41:41had a nice little sword fight in your mouth last night.
41:43You know what I mean?
41:45Ew!
41:47That son of a bitch!
41:51Hi, Kurt.
41:53Hi, this is Veronica Sawyer.
41:55Yeah, I didn't expect to be calling, either.
41:58I guess my emotions took over.
42:00Yeah, I was wondering if you wanted all those things
42:03you've been saying to really happen.
42:05It's always been a fantasy of mine
42:07to have two guys at once.
42:09I'm sure you can write to Penthouse Forum.
42:14Yeah, in the woods behind the school.
42:17At dawn.
42:19Don't forget Ram.
42:28I don't get the point of me writing a suicide note
42:31when we're just gonna be shooting them with blanks.
42:34We're not gonna be using blanks this time.
42:38You can't be serious.
42:40Yeah?
42:42Listen, my Bonnie and Clyde days are over.
42:45Wait a second, wait a second.
42:47Do you take German?
42:49French.
42:50All right.
42:51These are Ichluga bullets.
42:53My grandfather snared a shitload of them back in WWII.
42:56They're like tranquilizers,
42:58only they break the surface of the skin
43:01enough to cause a little blood but no real damage.
43:04So it looks like the person's been shot and killed
43:07and really they're just lying there
43:09unconscious and bleeding?
43:11Ooh.
43:12Right.
43:14See, we shoot Kurt and Ram,
43:16make it look like they shot each other,
43:18and by the time they regain consciousness
43:20they'll be the laughingstock of the whole school.
43:23The note's the punchline.
43:25How'd that turn out?
43:27First tell me the similarity is not incredible.
43:31It's an incredible similarity.
43:33Hmm.
43:35Okay.
43:39Ram and I died the day we realized
43:41we could never reveal our forbidden love
43:43to an uncaring and ununderstanding world.
43:46The joy we shared in each other's arms
43:48was greater than any touchdown,
43:50yet we were forced to live the lie
43:52of sexist, beer-guzzling, jock assholes.
43:55That's perfect.
43:58Let's take a look at some of the homosexual artifacts
44:01I dug up playing at the scene.
44:04All right.
44:06Got an issue with stud puppy.
44:08Great.
44:10A candy dish.
44:12Joan Crawford postcard.
44:15Good.
44:17Some mascara.
44:19All right.
44:21Here's the one perfecto thing I picked up.
44:24Mineral water.
44:26Oh, come on.
44:28A lot of people drink mineral water.
44:30It's come a long way.
44:32Yeah, but this is Ohio.
44:34If you don't have a brewskin,
44:36you might as well be wearing a dress.
44:38Oh, you're so smart.
44:48Hi, Veronica.
44:50Hi, guys.
44:53Glad you could make it.
45:03So, should I just whip it out, or...?
45:06Well, I've made a circle on each side of the clearing.
45:09Ram, you come over here.
45:12Kurt...
45:15When you get to the circle, strip.
45:19Strip.
45:21What about you?
45:23I was kind of hoping you could rip my clothes off me, sport.
45:27Oh.
45:29Good idea.
45:39Okay.
45:41Count of three, guys.
45:44One...
45:47Two...
45:50Three.
45:54Whoa!
45:56Did you miss him completely?
45:58Yeah, but don't worry. It was worth it just to see the look on...
46:01All right, don't move. I'll get him back.
46:16Come on.
46:40Ha-ha!
46:46Ha-ha!
47:12Now!
47:17Ha!
47:22Hey, I heard it that time.
47:24What?
47:26Another gunshot from the woods.
47:28Oh, shit. Let's roll.
47:30Kurt doesn't look too good.
47:32Just remember he's left-handed.
47:34Keep going.
47:36Come on.
47:42Mother of shit.
47:44Oh, shit. Call in.
47:47Hey, I heard something out there.
47:50I'm checking it out.
47:52Yeah, this is Officer McCord.
47:54I've got two dead bodies in the woods behind Westerberg High.
48:15Come on.
48:28Ow! Ow!
48:45Milner, can you hear me? What's going down?
48:47Uh, yeah, yeah.
48:49I think what I heard back there was just a bunny rabbit.
48:51All I got here is a couple of kids making out in that station wagon.
48:55Should I pry them apart?
48:57No, no, forget it. I got all the answers back here.
49:00Hey.
49:03Are they naked?
49:15Yeah, so, uh, what's the deal?
49:18Suicide. Double suicide.
49:20They shot each other.
49:22Hey, that's Kurt Kelly.
49:24Yeah, and the linebacker, Ram Sweeney.
49:27Shoot.
49:29My God, suicide. Why?
49:32Does this answer your question?
49:35Oh, man, they were fags.
49:38Listen up.
49:40We realized we could never reveal
49:42our forbidden love to an uncaring and ununderstanding world.
49:47Jesus H. Christ.
49:49The quarterback buggering the linebacker.
49:53What a waste.
49:55Oh, the humanity.
50:12Oh.
50:32So we killed them, didn't we?
50:35Of course.
50:42Oh, man.
50:51Aah!
50:56Aah!
51:02Oh, ich, Luke Boltz, I'm such an idiot.
51:07Look, you believed it because you wanted to believe it.
51:12Your true feelings were too gross and icky for you to face.
51:17I did not want them dead.
51:21You did, too.
51:23I did not.
51:25Did, too.
51:26I did not.
51:27You did, too.
51:28I did not.
51:29Did, too.
51:30Did not.
51:31Did, too.
51:32Did not.
51:33Did not.
51:34Did not.
51:35Did it.
51:36You're just not...
51:37I know what you...
51:43Young love, did you hear?
51:45School's canceled today because Kurt and Ram killed themselves
51:48in a repressed homosexual suicide pact.
51:50No way.
51:54God!
51:58The football season is over, Veronica.
52:01Kurt and Ram had nothing to offer the school
52:04with date rapes and AIDS jokes.
52:08Sure.
52:11Could we make an ice run before the funeral?
52:20If there's any way you can hear me, Kurt, buddy,
52:26I don't care that you really were some pansy.
52:31You're my own flesh and blood,
52:32and, you know, you made me proud.
52:37My son's a homosexual, and I love him.
52:42I love my dead gay son.
52:46How do you think he'd react to a son
52:48that had a limp wrist with a pulse?
52:50I can't.
53:02Dear Diary, my teen angst bullshit has a body count.
53:08The most popular people in school are dead.
53:11Everybody's sad, but it's a weird kind of sad.
53:16Suicide gave Heather depth, Kurt a soul, Ram a brain.
53:22I don't know what it's given me,
53:24but I've got no control over myself when I'm with JD.
53:28Are we going to prom or to hell?
53:31Now, it seems we were in a similar position on Monday
53:36when I thoughtfully suggested we get everybody together
53:38for an unadulterated emotional outpouring.
53:41But no, you took this as an opportunity
53:45to play yet another round of Let's Laugh at the Hippie.
53:49Pauline.
53:50Shut up, Paul.
53:52I've seen a lot of people laugh at the hippie.
53:55Shut up, Paul.
53:57I've seen a lot of bullshit.
53:59Angel dust, switchblades,
54:03sexually perverse photography exhibits
54:05involving tennis rackets.
54:06But this suicide thing,
54:10guess that's more on Pauline's wavelength.
54:14Well, we're just gonna write off today.
54:17And on Friday, she can hold her little love hand
54:20or whatever.
54:23Whatever.
54:26Come on, guys.
54:27Attention, attention, attention, attention.
54:31Attention.
54:33May I have your attention, please?
54:37This school has been torn apart by tragedy.
54:40I'm here today to fuse it back again through togetherness.
54:44I want everyone to clasp hands.
54:47We need to connect this cafeteria into one mighty circuit.
54:51Excuse me, please.
54:52Hey, look. Coming through.
54:53Here comes the TV crew.
54:54Lock your paws.
54:56Awesome.
54:57Miss Fleming, we're ready when you are.
54:58Hi there.
54:59Yeah, I'm holding.
55:00Come on.
55:01Come on.
55:02Let's go. Up here.
55:03Dad, you'll be on TV.
55:05Let's show them how you feel.
55:07Looks like Miss Flem's on another one of her crusades.
55:10Usual success, of course.
55:13Come on, press the button.
55:14Get up. On your feet.
55:15Hi, what's your name?
55:16Hi, I'm Heather Duke.
55:19Come with me.
55:20Doc, metalhead.
55:21Come in here.
55:22Let's see something together.
55:24Is this as good for you as it is for me?
55:27No fish sticks can wait.
55:28Let's go.
55:30Come on, kids.
55:31Come on, you guys.
55:32Come on.
55:33Hold her in this washing.
55:35We can't rush her out.
55:37It's past her.
55:38Johnson, come here.
55:41Greetings and salutations.
55:44I'm going to need a VHS copy of all this
55:46by Monday for my Princeton application.
55:48Uh-huh.
55:50Look at his weakness.
55:51It's all about suicide, get you that?
55:55That thing this afternoon.
55:57I'm so angry.
55:58It was chaos.
55:59Fucking chaos.
56:02What are you talking about, huh?
56:04I mean, today was great.
56:06Chaos was great.
56:08Chaos is what killed the dinosaurs, darling.
56:12Face it, our way is the way.
56:14I mean, we scare people into not being assholes.
56:17Our way is not our way.
56:20Oh, yeah, tell that to the judge, all right?
56:22Tell it to Kurt Kelly.
56:24Oh, God, darling.
56:25I'm telling it to you.
56:29God, you can be so immature.
56:32Oh, you kids are making too much damn noise.
56:36We beat the bitches.
56:37Oh, beautiful.
56:39The beaver's home.
56:41Judge told him to slurp shit and die.
56:45I put a Norwegian in the boiler room.
56:49Masterful.
56:52And then when that blew,
56:54it set off a pack of thermals I stuck upstairs.
57:06You know, some days it's great to be alive.
57:09Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh.
57:11Take the little guy to your grandfather's.
57:13Do you like your father?
57:17Never given the matter much thought.
57:22Like my mother.
57:26They said her death was an accident,
57:28but she knew what she was doing.
57:31She walked into the building two minutes
57:32before my dad blew the place up.
57:36She waved at me and then
57:39boom.
57:42Dudes, if I get one more request for that big, fun song,
57:45I'm gonna commit suicide.
57:46Playing our song.
57:48Here it is, Teenage Suicide.
57:50Don't do it.
57:52♪ Teenage Suicide
57:54♪ Talk to it
57:55♪ Teenage Suicide
57:57♪ She blew it
57:58♪ Teenage Suicide
58:00♪ Talk to it
58:01♪ Teenage Suicide
58:02Oh!
58:05That's it, we're breaking up.
58:06What?
58:08You can't bring him back, you must know that.
58:10I am not trying to bring anybody back,
58:12except maybe myself.
58:28And to think there was a time
58:29when I actually thought you were cool.
58:32Man, if you can't deal with me now,
58:33then just stay home and shoot your TV.
58:36Blow up a couple toasters or something.
58:38Just don't come to school and don't mess with me.
58:45You'll be back.
58:58Me and Martha Dump Truck?
59:01Where did you get this?
59:04Oh, I just had the nicest little chat
59:07with Ms. Dump Truck.
59:08Got along famously.
59:11It's kind of scary when everybody's
59:12got a little story to tell.
59:14You wanna see the canoeing shots?
59:16What is this, blackmail?
59:23I'll give you a week's lunch money.
59:27I don't want your money.
59:29I want your strength.