The Abbott and Costello Show (Trip to Palm Springs)
The Abbott and Costello Show is a comedy program from the era of old-time radio in the United States. It was broadcast first on NBC and later on ABC, beginning on July 3, 1940 and ending on June 9, 1949.
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00C.A.M.E.L.S.
00:14The Abbott and Costello program brought to you by Camels, the cigarette that's first
00:19in the service.
00:21Camels stay fresh because they're packed to go around the world.
00:24Listen to the music of Freddie Rich and his orchestra, the songs of Connie Haynes, Billy
00:32Gray as Little Matilda, Chris Nazaro, tonight's guest, the lovely Paramount star, Miss Veronica
00:37Lake, and starring Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.
00:43Hey, Abbott!
00:47Oh, there you are, Costello, late again.
00:54You know we have to go to Palm Springs.
00:55Oh, yeah, yeah.
00:56Did you borrow Mrs. Niles' car?
00:57Yeah, but I had a terrible accident, Abbott.
00:59I upset it.
01:00I've got to turn it over right away or Mrs. Niles won't like it.
01:03Well, we can do that when we come back from Palm Springs.
01:05No, I've got to turn the car over now.
01:06Mrs. Niles is going to be mad!
01:08I'll explain it to Mrs. Niles.
01:10Where is she?
01:11She's under the car.
01:12What?
01:13She's under the car?
01:14Yeah.
01:15Is she in a coma?
01:16No, she's in an evening gown.
01:17No, no.
01:18Well, then, let's get Ken Niles to help lift the car.
01:21Oh, Ken is in a good spot to help us.
01:23Well, fine.
01:24He's under the car, too!
01:25Oh, my goodness!
01:26For goodness sakes!
01:27How did this accident happen?
01:28I bumped into another car, Abbott.
01:29And, boy, was that driver mad at me!
01:30He said, for two cents, I'll punch you right in the nose!
01:31And what happened?
01:32He ran up a bill of eight dollars.
01:33You were very silly to argue with a driver.
01:34Why didn't you call a policeman?
01:35I didn't have to.
01:36I hit one.
01:37You what?
01:38I hit a policeman.
01:39You hit a policeman?
01:40In uniform?
01:41No!
01:42I hit him right in the nose!
01:43Oh, this is liable to spoil our whole trip to Palm Springs.
01:44Oh, my goodness!
01:45Oh, my goodness!
01:46Oh, my goodness!
01:47Oh, my goodness!
01:48Oh, my goodness!
01:50Oh, this is liable to spoil our whole trip to Palm Springs.
01:53Did the cop recognize you?
01:55Yeah.
01:56Could he swear to you?
01:57Could he swear to me?
01:58Yeah.
01:59Yeah!
02:00And I swore right back down here!
02:02That's what I swore.
02:03I said, you David Copperfield, you Taylor Two Cities, you Oliver Twist!
02:08Wait a minute.
02:09What did you say that for?
02:10I was giving him the Dickens.
02:11Oh!
02:13That's a fine thing.
02:14Now I have to straighten him out with a policeman.
02:15Where is he?
02:16He's under the car, too!
02:17Oh, my goodness!
02:18What are they all doing under the car?
02:19Have you looked for an apartment lately?
02:20I...
02:21Wait a minute.
02:22Here comes Mr. and Mrs. Niles.
02:23Better beat it, Costello.
02:24Oh, no, you don't!
02:25You fat-headed, slappy car thief!
02:26You're going to get us all in trouble.
02:27Oh, my goodness!
02:28Oh, my goodness!
02:29Oh, my goodness!
02:30Oh, my goodness!
02:31Oh, my goodness!
02:32Oh, my goodness!
02:33Oh, my goodness!
02:34Oh, my goodness!
02:35Oh, my goodness!
02:36Oh, my goodness!
02:37Oh, my goodness!
02:38Oh, my goodness!
02:39Oh, my goodness!
02:40Oh, my goodness!
02:41Oh, my goodness!
02:42Oh, my goodness!
02:43Oh, my goodness!
02:44Oh, my goodness!
02:45Oh, my goodness!
02:46Oh, my goodness!
02:47Oh, my goodness!
02:48Oh, my goodness!
02:49Oh, my goodness!
02:50Oh, my goodness!
02:51Oh, my goodness!
02:52Oh, my goodness!
02:53Oh, my goodness!
02:54Oh, my goodness!
02:55Oh, my goodness!
02:56Oh, my goodness!
02:57Oh, my goodness!
02:58Oh, my goodness!
02:59Oh, my goodness!
03:00Oh, my goodness!
03:01Oh, my goodness!
03:02Oh, my goodness!
03:03Oh, my goodness!
03:04Oh, my goodness!
03:05Oh, my goodness!
03:06Oh, my goodness!
03:07Oh, my goodness!
03:08Oh, my goodness!
03:09Oh, my goodness!
03:10Oh, my goodness!
03:11Oh, my goodness!
03:12Oh, my goodness!
03:13Oh, my goodness!
03:14Oh, my goodness!
03:15Oh, my goodness!
03:16Oh, my goodness!
03:17Oh, my goodness!
03:18Oh, my goodness!
03:19Oh, my goodness!
03:20Oh, my goodness!
03:21Oh, my goodness!
03:22Oh, my goodness!
03:23Oh, my goodness!
03:24Oh, my goodness!
03:25Oh, my goodness!
03:26Oh, my goodness!
03:27Oh, my goodness!
03:28Oh, my goodness!
03:29Oh, my goodness!
03:30Oh, my goodness!
03:31Oh, my goodness!
03:32Oh, my goodness!
03:33Oh, my goodness!
03:34Oh, my goodness!
03:35Oh, my goodness!
03:36Oh, my goodness!
03:37Oh, my goodness!
03:39Damages, but Mrs. Niles!
03:41Did you get hurt?
03:42Did I get hurt?
03:43Yes!
03:44I have a big scratch on my crazy bone!
03:46Put your hat on and nobody'll notice it!
03:50Oh, come, Kenneth!
03:52Come on, Abbott, think fast, think very fast!
03:54I've got to get out of here before they come back with a cop!
03:56Now, you can cause more trouble.
03:58Now, we're going down to Palm Springs to ask Veronica Lake to appear on our next picture.
04:02Yeah, I hope she will.
04:03She will, now, aahm, you wrecked the car, we've got to, we're going to use, what are we going to do?
04:07gonna do? I have it. Well now we'll have to rent a car. You mean because I wrecked
04:10the car we gotta rent another car? Yes, we'll have to rent it. Okay, where can we
04:13get one? You drive. I beg your pardon? You drive. Me drive? No, you drive. I said I
04:20drive. No, you don't drive it. I drive it. Drive what? A you drive. Why should I
04:26drive when you want to drive? No, I am going to drive. Look Costello, I'm renting a you
04:32drive and I drive it. Then we both drive it. No, we do nothing of the kind. I drive
04:38it. When I say you drive, I don't mean you drive. I mean that I drive although it's a
04:43you drive. Eh, when you say you drive, you don't mean me drive. You mean you drive because
04:52me don't drive. Now you've got it. Now I've got it. Now you've got it. I don't even know
04:59what I'm talking about. Hey Abbott, take it easy. Don't try to get me mixed up. Go ahead. Now look,
05:05you go to a place and you rent a car. Yes. You. Not me. You are driving the car. Yes. Where am I
05:15sitting? You are sitting right next to me. Is there a steering wheel in front of me? No. And
05:23you're positive that I am not driving? I'm positive. And you are driving the car? Yes. All right,
05:30what kind of a car are you driving? You drive. All I can say is somebody better be driving,
05:37brother. No, no, no, no, no. Look Costello, I'm trying to explain this. We go and rent a car.
05:43Right. Now where are we going to get it? You drive company. Now I drive company. I thought
05:50we were going to Palm Springs alone. You don't understand. It's hurts you drive. Well,
05:54if it hurts you drive. That's right. That's right. This thing is getting worse. Don't you see? The
06:01head of the company's hurts. That's too bad. What hurts him? Nothing. Nothing hurts him. Look,
06:08every company has to have a head. Naturally. This company's heads hurts. Then let him take a nap.
06:14Please listen to me. It's hurts you drive all over the country. If it hurts to drive all over
06:22the country, why should I drive to Palm Springs and get hurt? You don't get hurt. It's hurts
06:26company. Hurts company. I don't want to hurt nobody. Will you listen to me? The man's name
06:32is hurts. He rents cars. You drive. It's you drive all over the country. Not with that OPA,
06:39brother. Now what are you talking about? What do you mean? What am I talking about? I mean,
06:44after all, that's why I can't go. OPA. What do you mean OPA? Well, I only got a puny A car.
06:51Oh, get out of here. Calling Miss King Johnny. Calling Miss King Johnny. Well,
07:08Costello, here we are at the swanky Lone Palm Hotel right out here in the middle of the desert.
07:12Oh, I don't like the desert. It's full of insects. Oh, not at this time of the year. Yeah,
07:17but where do all the little bugs go in the wintertime? Search me. No, thanks. I just wanted
07:20to find out. Oh, now listen, please stop that. Come on, let's get a room. Okay. Oh,
07:25Clark, Clark. Oh, jerk, jerk. Just a moment, please. This is a very high class hotel. I'll
07:31have you understand. I'm not a jerk. You're not even a vibration. Costello, will you please act
07:37like a gentleman? Okay, kid. Clerk, we'd like a room. Very well. Do you want a room with a bath?
07:42What do you think I want to do? Follow the arrow? Listen, Clark, we're going to make a
07:49very important picture. Please. Costello, will you listen to me? Mr. Clark, we're going to make
07:55a very important picture and we came down here to see Veronica Lake about being our leading lady.
07:58Oh, yes. She's stopping here. Every time I see Veronica Lake, I want to kiss her. My
08:03mind says no and my heart says yes. What do you hear from your liver? Well, Mr. Costello,
08:10if you'll just sign the register, I'll have the boy show you to your suite. My what? Your suite,
08:15your suite. You're cute, too. Oh, come on, Clark. Now, what about the room? All right,
08:22Mr. Costello, I have a lovely room for you on the 10th floor. Here's the key, 1006. Now,
08:26get going. Okay. Hey, Clark, I'd like to leave a call for 12 o'clock. Sorry,
08:30we're all out of 12 o'clock calls. Then call me twice at six. Now, listen, Costello, please.
08:35Will you take that key and get up to the 10th floor and into your room? Okay. See you later,
08:40Abbott. All right. Okay. Now, listen, Clark, I want to meet Veronica Lake right away because
08:45do you see every... 10th floor, 10th floor. Wait a minute. There's only one floor in this hotel.
08:51You haven't got 10th floor. Oh, good heavens, man. You're right. This is serious. Oh, Mr.
08:56Costello, there's no 10th floor. Come right down. Oh, Costello. Costello. Speak to me,
09:13Costello. Are you all right? What can I do for you? Send the boy up from my bag,
09:18will you? Hey, come on now, Abbott. Now, let's get out of this place now. Now,
09:29I've never been so humidity in all my life. Humidity? Yes. He humidity'd me. Humidity?
09:34Humidity means damn. Now, let's get out of this damn hotel. Damn. You can't check out. You just
09:42checked in. Oh, it's a gypsy in me. Oh, never mind. Shut up. You can't leave here. Now,
09:46we've got to see Veronica Lake. Okay, but if I stay, I want a room right close to hers. Well,
09:50that's easily arranged. Miss Lake is in 104, and I'll put you in 105. Ain't you got nothing
09:55closer? Never mind, please. Grab the bags, and let's get to our room. It's right over there.
10:00Now, here's the key. Open the door. Hey, Abbott. Look who's in our room. And I'm only three and a
10:07half years old. Matilda, how did you get to Palm Springs? Did you come down here on the Greyhound?
10:16No, the Greyhound was full. I came down on a Pekingese. Uncle Louie, I got a job here in
10:24Mr. King Charney's Lone Palm Hotel. What's your job, Matilda? I'm chambermaid. I put lace curtains
10:31around all the mouse holes in the wall. Lace curtains around all the mice holes? Why do you
10:36do that? That attracts a higher class mice. Oh, come on. Now, get out of here. Now, listen,
10:44Costello. Hey, Abbott. What? That's Matilda knocking on the door again, just to bother me.
10:49I'm going to put her over my knee and paddle her. All right, you asked for it. I beg your pardon.
10:56I thought you was only three and a half years old. Costello, it's Veronica Lake.
11:02See here, Costello. I came here because the room clerk said you wanted to see me, and this happens.
11:15I've never been so humiliated in all my life. You see, Abbott, she said the same word. That
11:20humili... She teaches at their hotel, too. Dampness has nothing to do with it. I said humiliate,
11:27conjugated from the Latin, humilius, humilia, humilium. I humiliate, she humiliates,
11:32they humiliate. Now, do you understand? Yes, ma'am. Everybody in the joint is damp.
11:36Will you stop that and pay attention to Miss Lake? Yes, Costello. I'll have you know that
11:46I studied Latin at my mater's knee. Your who's knee? Mater. Mater means mother, and pater means
11:55father. Where are your mater and pater? They went to the theater with my brater and sater.
11:59After all, I mean... Look, Veronica, never mind. See, I make up all my own jokes. Will you keep
12:07quiet, Lou? Please, pay no attention to Veronica. The fact is, we came down here to see you about
12:13being the leading lady in our next picture. Well, I think that's impossible because I'm...
12:17That's Miss Lake's line, please. I'm down here making a picture of my own. My director's waiting
12:25for me now out in the desert. I'd like to go with you. How do you get out there? On a jackass. Did
12:29you ever ride a jackass? No. Then you'd better get on to yourself. That's sort of a very, very
12:38snappy remark, isn't it? That's a funny joke. I think I'll try it on Abbott. Hey, Abbott! Now,
12:42what do you want? Did you ever ride a jackass? No. Then hop on my back. Get off! Get off!
12:45Well, here we are, Lou. Here we are in the desert, Costello. All right, come on, now. You've had
13:08enough. Get off my back. Oh, pardon me. You know, Costello, you really did give me a good ride.
13:13That's right, pal. I did, didn't I? Come on, what are you trying to tie me up to the hitching post
13:17for? Hey, quiet, you guys. We're shooting a picture. Get that camera over here. All right,
13:22you extras, line up on the right. Hey, Joe, bring that dummy over here. Okay. Put me down! Put me
13:28down! Hey, Costello, look at those beautiful extra girls over there. Now, as long as we're here,
13:33what do you say we date up a couple for the night? Oh, no. Not after last night, my friend.
13:37What do you mean? We had a couple of girls last night, remember? Well, so, all right. You had
13:39the best looking one. So what? Yours had teeth. Now, wait a minute, please. Never mind that.
13:44Yours had teeth too. I'll say she did. Yeah. Mine had so much bridge work every time I kissed her,
13:48I had to pay toll. All right, never mind that. I mean, after all, there's a, come on,
13:53and another thing, Abbott. What? We're down here for business. I know that. Forget the girls.
13:56We've got to get Veronica Lake in our picture. All right, there's a dressing room over there.
13:59I'll knock on the door. Oh, it's you boys again. I told you at the hotel that I wouldn't
14:07appear in your picture. But, Veronica, you're making a great mistake. We've had a lot of
14:11experience in the theater. I was in Tobacco Road. What did you do? Empty the ashtrays?
14:18Boy, she sure told you, Abbott. Just a minute, Costello. Where did you ever act? Where did I
14:23ever act? I played in the way of all flesh. What part did you play? I was one of the meatballs.
14:30I didn't recognize you in that. You didn't recognize me, huh? Well,
14:34I was wearing a spaghetti toupee. Well, that's the first time you ever used your noodle.
14:42Well, I guess it's no use, Costello. Veronica will only make a picture with glamour boys. I'm
14:46a glamour boy. Just the other night, Hedy Lamarr told me I was her idea of a lover.
14:50Then her husband walked in. And what happened? Her idea was carried out.
14:56I'll tell you what I'll do, fellows. We're just about to shoot a scene from my picture.
15:01That scene is shot. Now, what about the next one?
15:06Veronica, we're already on the set. Oh, here comes my director. Oh, Cliff, I want you to
15:11meet Mr. Costello. Mr. Nazaro, Mr. Costello. Mr. Abbott, Mr. Nazaro. Mr. Costello, Mr. Abbott.
15:19He's this quiet. Cliff, can you use these two boys in our picture? Yes,
15:23I think so. I need a lover and a stuntman. I'm a lover. I'm stunted.
15:28Now, wait a minute, Abbott, you're no lover. Now, what do you mean? When I come on the screen,
15:33women sit up and notice me. Oh, yeah? The women who notice you are too old to sit up.
15:39Cliff, we're wasting time. Why don't you explain the scene to the boys? All right. Now, boys,
15:44this is a very simple scene. The camera catches Veronica and Abbott in an embrace.
15:49Costello, you come into the room, and I want you to walk over to Rosemary,
15:52lift up the castor, and pull in your sailor briefs, and pull it right to
15:54the cabaret to supper. Remember that. How can Abbott do that to me?
16:06You don't stand for it. You grab Veronica in your arms, and you say, Veronica,
16:10I'm alone as a survivor, by the way, and every time that I pull you a sailor brief,
16:16I want you to keep it free so not to fall apart,
16:18all the times that I stand with him, can't he pull a sailor?
16:23Did you get it? Yeah, I mean, you didn't say it.
16:29Why don't you pay attention? He's directing you, Lou.
16:31Costello, I want you to know that you can't insult my director.
16:35Absolutely not. After all, I just told you, I want you to go over to Veronica,
16:39pick up the sanitaries, not the little castor notes, Mr. Mattermore.
16:44I want you to walk towards her, put your arms, put the little sanitaries,
16:47pull the felt-tip pens, and speak the sort of things. And I know what I'm saying.
16:54You and nobody else.
16:58There you go again, insulting him. I can't understand you.
17:02You can't understand me. Listen to here.
17:07What's the matter with you, Costello? Can't you take direction?
17:10Mr. Nazaro is a famous director.
17:12Yes. You mean, you mean to tell me you never saw Gone with the Samadrins?
17:18Or For Whom the Bells Toll the Sandwich at the Pentecost?
17:22I never saw them, but I saw Guadalcanal. Did it?
17:33You mean Guadalcanal dipped?
17:35Did it? I saw it twice.
17:38Will you stop that, please? Let's get back to the scene, Cliff.
17:41Mr. Costello was just about to make love to me.
17:44All right, Veronica. Now, Costello, listen once more.
17:46You fall in love with Veronica and propose to her.
17:49I want you to give me that depth of a sordid grace when it pays.
17:52And I want you to go over to her and bring out the cash,
17:55and bring out the saliforce of the times when you loved,
17:57not Carrick, Bradlow, and those other actors of his race.
17:59I want you to saliforce and sell to me.
18:01Don't you agree with me?
18:03Yeah, but what about the children?
18:04Now, listen. He didn't mention any children.
18:08But he could have!
18:12Now, listen, Veronica. I've got a reputation.
18:14And I don't have to stand for this, because if I have to stand,
18:17listen, these fellas come and tell me that I've directed formers.
18:19I've made Kentrons, Paltrons, English Salifors, Carpots.
18:22I never made the parts of the picture.
18:23And I'm all ready to sell it. And I'll do it, too!
18:28And he means every word of it.
18:30Uh, look, folks, I... I realize I lost my head, and...
18:34There's just a thing I'd like...
18:36There's just one more thing I'd like to say before I go.
18:39Scantiflanus Enterprises.
18:42Yeah, I'm glad he said that, because he's a nice fella.
18:48Yes, he certainly is, Costello.
18:50Just think, after the way you treated him,
18:52he was big enough to walk back and say,
18:54Scantiflanus and out of Stenison.
18:58And that means a lot, too!
19:00Yes, Lou.
19:01What have you got to say?
19:02I mean, after all, what can I say?
19:04After the fella was big enough to come back and say,
19:07Scantiflanus and out of Stenison.
19:12Lou, if you hadn't been so frantic when he came in
19:15to thrallin' and clivisate,
19:16he wouldn't have been so palustide.
19:19Palustide?
19:21That's the one thing I didn't do to him, palustide!
19:24I mean, what does he want from me?
19:26What does he want from you?
19:28Why, at this very moment, he might be outside gilfending!
19:32No! Not gilfending!
19:35Oh, Abbott!
19:36Abbott, come on!
19:37We haven't got a minute to lose!
19:38Where are we going?
19:40We're going outside and gilfend with him!
19:42Get out of here!
19:50Abbott and Costello will be back in just a moment.
19:53Well, Costello, I'm certainly glad to be away from the lone
19:56Palms Hotel in Palm Springs and all that trouble.
19:59That's right, Abbott.
20:00Can I come in?
20:02Costello, I'm Officer O'Houlihan.
20:03You're under arrest for causing personal damage
20:05to Mrs. Niles and to her car.
20:07I'm taking you to the station house.
20:09Oh, yeah? Where's your patrol wagon?
20:10The patrol wagon broke down.
20:12Then how are we going?
20:13You drive.
20:14You drive!
20:15Not me, brother!
20:17Oh, resist me an officer, eh?
20:19Take that!
20:21Now, what have you got to say?
20:23It hurts!
20:23That's what I've been trying to tell you all day!
20:26Tell me what?
20:27Hurts you drive!
20:28All right, I'll drive!
20:38Tune in next week for another great Abbott and Costello show
20:46with our guest, Arthur Treacher.
20:48And remember, camel cigarettes are first in the service.
20:51They've got what it takes.
20:53Camels stay fresh because they're packed to go around the world.
20:58Veronica Lake will soon be seen in the Paramount picture,
21:00Hour Before the Dark.
21:02This is Ken Niles wishing you all a very pleasant good night
21:05from Hollywood.