The.Cleaner.2021.S03E03
The.Cleaner.2021.S03E03
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00:00ALARM CLOCK BEEPS
00:01HE SIGHS
00:03Oh, what the hell? What time is it?
00:065.30. I've got a job.
00:09Do you have to go now? Come back for a bit.
00:12I'll make it worth your while.
00:14No, I haven't got time for your nonsense. I feel awful.
00:17You've never complained about my nonsense before.
00:20I can't wait to retire.
00:21Can't be normal to wake up every day feeling like you've had a stroke.
00:24You can have a stroke.
00:26Stop making moves on me, you hobbit.
00:28I feel dreadful. I've got to be there in half an hour.
00:30You don't normally need that long, Grandad.
00:32Oh, she's a funny woman, isn't she?
00:34All right. All right, you sexy munchkin.
00:37I'll show you how much energy Grandad's got.
00:39Oi!
00:58Oi! You can't park there. You can't.
01:01Good morning to you. Don't worry, I have a permit.
01:04Blue badge? I can't see a blue badge.
01:06Have you got a blue badge?
01:08He couldn't even get a blue badge, and he has bad legs.
01:12You talk about my bad legs. You want to worry about your bad eyes.
01:15It's not a blue badge. It's... It's a police issue, so...
01:18You're not a police officer.
01:20You're not a police officer.
01:22You're not a police officer.
01:24You're not a police officer.
01:27You're not a policeman.
01:29I'm here to clean.
01:31What? You're a man.
01:33The world has gone mad.
01:35A man earning a living like some Scottish single mother.
01:39No, no, I'm a crime scene cleaner.
01:41No, you can't park there. You'll get towed.
01:43Come on. You'll miscopy her.
01:45Oh, get off me, woman.
01:47When I think of the girls I've caught...
01:49Oh, don't you bore me again
01:51about your horrible, sluttish bastard.
01:53It wasn't horrible, and it wasn't sluttish.
01:56It wasn't sluttish.
02:04It's 6.45am.
02:06Welcome to Drakefield Community Centre.
02:09The watercolour wanderers are delayed by nine minutes.
02:13And a happy 85th birthday to Albert.
02:23Hello, you're late.
02:25What's going on? Why is it so busy?
02:27Sorry, I'm the cleaner.
02:29I know who you are. You're supposed to be here at 6.
02:31They start to queue from 6.
02:33Sorry, traffic. I'll just crack on now, shall I?
02:35No, no, no, you can't clean now.
02:37And I'm not? No.
02:39Next session starts in 12 minutes.
02:41Oh, God, I've never heard the end of it.
02:43Jesus Christ, the letters I get.
02:45Makes me feel physically sick just thinking about it.
02:47I don't understand.
02:49OK, once coffee hour is finished,
02:51then the space is booked by specialist groups, OK?
02:53And they do not want to share with anyone, OK?
02:55There's a committee.
02:57It's fine. Old people love me.
02:59OK.
03:01Hey.
03:03What happened, by the way?
03:05Oh, yeah, Bill. One of our regulars,
03:07he fell off the balcony.
03:09No!
03:13He fell, did he?
03:15Well, the police are pretty sure that's what happened, Pauline.
03:17Oh, I'm sure they are.
03:19Less paperwork.
03:21He had bad lungs,
03:23but there was nothing wrong with his balance.
03:27Yeah, that won't be the last conspiracy
03:29you hear today.
03:31Trust me. Margaret, did those drawing pins
03:33I ordered arrive?
03:35I can't keep putting these notices up
03:37with my bad hands.
03:39I am just waiting on the committee to OK the spend.
03:43There's a lot of bad body parts here,
03:45isn't there? Has anyone actually been
03:47diagnosed with anything? Oh, they don't go to the doctor.
03:49They don't like to trouble the doctor,
03:51no. They save it all for me.
03:53Look,
03:55take a piece of advice from someone who knows, yeah?
03:57This is their world.
03:59Do not
04:01get soaked in.
04:03Now sit down and keep yourself to yourself.
04:13You're in my jail.
04:15Oh, hello again.
04:17Sorry.
04:19I hate it when people do that to me
04:21in the pub.
04:27I'm Wicky, by the way.
04:29Now, what's this?
04:31Oh, hello again.
04:33I sit there. I need a high back.
04:35Oh,
04:37the old bad legs again, is it?
04:39I was shot in the spine
04:41in the Falklands.
04:43Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
04:45You've done it now. He's on the
04:47committee.
04:49Oh.
04:55If you're struggling a little
04:57bit, I use these for distance.
04:59Would you like to...
05:03Eh?
05:09He said he was glad I was shot.
05:11No, I did
05:13not. I'm so sorry.
05:15I'll speak to the general.
05:19You've done it now, you bounder.
05:21How will I take my pills?
05:23She uses her tea to take her
05:25pills. And he's still in
05:27my chair. He needs a high
05:29back chair.
05:31Margaret, this sort of thing
05:33can't carry on.
05:35It just can't.
05:39My glasses.
05:41I warned you.
05:43Your first letter.
05:45Insulting a veteran.
05:47Impersonating a police officer
05:49to get free parking.
05:51I thought I told you to keep yourself to yourself.
05:53I thought I was.
06:03Welcome, ladies.
06:05Lovely to see you.
06:11Right, let's crack on.
06:17Oh.
06:19Hello.
06:21I'm afraid the watercolour wonders are fully subscribed.
06:23We can include you in an internet
06:25waiting list. Oh, no, I'm sorry.
06:27I'm just here to clean this.
06:29Impossible, I'm afraid.
06:31My artists need a contemplative
06:33atmosphere. The only sound
06:35you will hear will be the sound
06:37of soft brush upon
06:39the canvas.
06:43Good morning,
06:45watercolour wanderers.
06:47Art mirrors life,
06:49and you've captured life
06:51in...
06:57In your art.
07:01Today, though,
07:03we dare to face
07:05death.
07:07Sorry.
07:15Our brushes
07:17pay homage to a dearly
07:19departed friend.
07:23Today, watercolourers,
07:25we immortalise
07:27Bill.
07:33Oh, so
07:35disrespectful.
07:39Opera's quieter.
07:49I'm going to have words with him.
07:55He speaks.
08:01I'm sorry. I'm really trying.
08:05Oh!
08:11Hello?
08:25Mother of God,
08:27someone stop him!
08:35Ah, well. These things happen.
08:37Six letters now.
08:39It felt like he was dancing
08:41on Bill's grave, naked.
08:43I led to the glasses to be helpful.
08:45They don't like to be helped.
08:47They don't want to be patronised.
08:49I thought retirement was some golden period
08:51of happy reflection.
08:53Look, please, just
08:55mind your own business.
08:57Only clean when the space is empty,
08:59and never give up an opportunity to
09:01apologise, because they always
09:03win.
09:05Right. I'll go and get some kit from my
09:07val. Apologetically.
09:09How dare you!
09:11Oh, shit, now she's accusing Sue. Would you look at her go?
09:13Great. That's what happens when you watch Midsomer Murders all day.
09:15Ladies. Ladies.
09:17Ladies. Ladies. Ladies.
09:25Ah, there you are.
09:27It's this way.
09:29Sorry? It's in here.
09:31Quick as you like. They're waiting.
09:33Who's waiting?
09:39Now then,
09:41what a treat it is for us to
09:43welcome
09:45Hugh Davy!
09:51It's quite the privilege for us to be joined by
09:53a professional singer, and
09:55I know you've all been looking forward to it.
09:57I do think
09:59there's been a little bit of confusion here.
10:01This is his pre-show banter.
10:03He did all this on the cruise.
10:05No. The thing is, I am actually
10:07just here to clean. A male cleaner.
10:09You were right. He's a riot.
10:11Pick a song, Davy. This is a sing-along.
10:13Swingers, not a chat club. Yes, but...
10:15Davy, take it from me.
10:17Get them singing.
10:19You're losing them.
10:23Right.
10:25Well,
10:27ladies and gentlemen,
10:29I wasn't expecting this, but
10:31let's do this, shall we?
10:37Pack up your
10:39truffles in your own
10:41kit bag and
10:43smile, smile,
10:45smile, you know.
10:47Don't let your fear and laughter
10:49hit the snag.
10:51Smile, boys,
10:53that's the style.
10:55What say you
10:57said we're in?
10:59It never was
11:01worthwhile. You said
11:03so.
11:05So you...
11:07What the hell was that?
11:09How old do you think we are?
11:11Pack up your truffles. None of us were more than
11:13toddlers in the war. Oh.
11:15I was that Woodstock, you cheeky pig.
11:17We're boomers.
11:19I've had three abortions.
11:21Three? Your body, your right.
11:23Now, let's give Mr. Davy
11:25a chance. Get the ear of right, Davy.
11:27For God's sake, there's going to be a riot.
11:29Yes, but I'm not the singer.
11:31Follow me.
11:33One, two, three o'clock, four o'clock, rock.
11:35Five, six, seven o'clock,
11:37eight o'clock, rock. Nine, ten,
11:39eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, rock. We're going to
11:41rock around the clock tonight.
11:43Won't you drive, drive strong?
11:45No, no, stop, stop.
11:47Sorry to interrupt, sorry to interrupt.
11:49Shh.
11:51Can we have a word, please? Yeah.
11:53Fats.
11:55Fats, you're out!
11:57Oh!
11:59What the hell?
12:01I tried to tell them.
12:03They wouldn't listen.
12:05Mr. Hugh Davy, please, do go in.
12:07You'll be hearing from my solicitor.
12:11You are one incident away
12:13from them calling a committee disciplinary.
12:15Please, don't go opening
12:17a Pandora's box. Now, you might get
12:19fifteen minutes of cleaning before the ballroom
12:21follies take over the main space, OK?
12:31Having a good morning,
12:33young man?
12:35I mean, to be honest, it's more stressful than I ever imagined.
12:37Poor Bill will be turning
12:39in his grave. Wonderful, man.
12:41Loved by all.
12:43Well,
12:45nearly all.
12:47You don't think it was an accident, do you?
12:49He fell, did he?
12:51Oh, yeah, the police report.
12:53The police, the police.
12:55Wake up!
12:57He was pushed.
13:01Wow.
13:03I have yet to reach my conclusions,
13:05but I am currently finding
13:07Christine's portrait
13:09very interesting.
13:18Oh.
13:20Oh.
13:22Now, don't you go aggravating her.
13:24She's only just managed to get her pills down.
13:26Actually, Maud,
13:28I want to apologise.
13:30I shouldn't have interfered before.
13:32I shouldn't have lent you my glasses.
13:34You falling over, my fault.
13:36You not being able to take your pills,
13:38also my fault, so...
13:40You can cut my lawn.
13:42Eh?
13:44She wants you to make amends.
13:46I guess I could pop over on my day off next Wednesday.
13:48Wednesday's recycling day.
13:50All day?
13:52You've heard the woman, it's recycling day.
13:54One weekend?
13:56Ha, lovely.
13:58A noisy lawnmower driving the neighbours mad.
14:00Why not organise a rave in her garden, too?
14:02Bring a bag of E's.
14:04Drugs?
14:06We can't have drugs on the property.
14:08Oh, well done.
14:10You've upset her again.
14:12Can't you see she's got bad nerves?
14:16Ooh.
14:26You look like you need that.
14:28Tough morning.
14:30Well, I haven't really had a chance to do anything yet.
14:32People are a little inflexible round here.
14:34Yeah.
14:36Do you care to join me?
14:40Yeah.
14:46Boring follies?
14:48Oh, yes.
14:50Oh, I do enjoy a dance.
14:52Gets the creaky old joints moving.
14:54Oh, that's lovely. How long have you been dancing?
14:56Ooh, about three years now.
14:58Since my husband died.
15:00Oh.
15:02Well, that's sweet.
15:06It must be a real comfort to know that
15:08you'll always have those memories, no matter what happens.
15:10Bitch.
15:12Sorry?
15:14Carol Davies.
15:16I knew she'd do this.
15:18I showed her my new ball gown
15:20and she goes straight out
15:22and buys the same one.
15:24Might be a coincidence, no?
15:26Don't be so fucking naive.
15:28I planned for this.
15:30Second dress.
15:32Right.
15:34I'm going to need your help.
15:36Come to the ladies.
15:38What?
15:40I need you to stop people coming in.
15:42It's too late for that now.
15:44Cover me.
15:46Huh?
15:48Cover me.
16:00Oh, I'm so sorry.
16:02They're out of action at the moment.
16:04Are you having a problem, Carol?
16:06He's blocking the way.
16:08Good God, man.
16:10You've been interfering with the ladies' toilets now.
16:12Do we need to add Peeping Tom to your CV?
16:14He pretended to be disabled
16:16to get a blue badge.
16:18I didn't, Carol.
16:20And I was asked to stand here.
16:22Where's Margaret?
16:24This is a committee job.
16:26We can't have a sexual deviant blocking the toilets.
16:28All right.
16:30Go in.
16:32Where I go.
16:34What the hell?
16:36He's exposed her.
16:38On purpose.
16:40Twisting her butt.
16:42Call a committee meeting.
16:44You say his lungs off now.
16:46The committee will hear about this.
16:50Lovely dress, Carol.
16:52Really suits you.
16:54Help me do up the badge.
16:56Well, you really have caused a stir.
16:58I may be able to help you.
17:00Would you mind picking
17:02artist of the week?
17:04I don't know if I should.
17:06Really help Corrie Faver
17:08with the committee.
17:12Yeah.
17:16Very mysterious
17:18coming out of the smoke there.
17:20Quite regal.
17:22Oh, yeah.
17:24Colours.
17:26Nice.
17:28So funny. Funny face.
17:30Lovely.
17:32Really nice.
17:34Oh, my God.
17:38Problem?
17:40Are you Christine?
17:42I am.
17:44I thought so.
17:46How did you know that?
17:48Oh.
17:50People have been talking about your portrait.
17:52I can see why.
17:54It's very interesting.
17:56In what way?
17:58Hmm?
18:02Because of the...
18:04hands?
18:06Yes.
18:08I understand they're hard to do,
18:10aren't they, hands?
18:12Are they?
18:14Christine has been working very hard.
18:16I think she wants to know
18:18what's unique about her paint.
18:22Well?
18:25Away, man.
18:27Sit.
18:40That's got a big old knob.
18:42Oh!
18:46I thought that's what you meant, no?
18:51What the hell is wrong with you?
18:53What's wrong with me?
18:55Saying a painting of a dead man had a big penis.
18:57She did give him a big penis.
18:59You saw she gave him a big penis.
19:01Everyone saw she gave him a big penis.
19:03Yeah, well,
19:05they want you to attend the committee hearing now.
19:07What?
19:09Multiple offences. Multiple.
19:11No. I've just been here trying to do my job.
19:13I'm not going to attend some
19:15jumped-up geriatric kangaroo court.
19:17They're connected.
19:19Letters will have gone out to Honeyford, Rippon,
19:21there'll be exposés on TV, the local press.
19:23They've got the town MP in their pocket.
19:25Oh, God!
19:31It's my boss.
19:33He says I've got to attend
19:35the committee meeting.
19:37Snitches!
19:39They won't stop.
19:41Ever.
19:51Ever.
19:57Anyone in that room could be the murderer.
19:59You just leave me alone.
20:01You've got me in enough trouble.
20:03Christine Kenyon was a viable suspect.
20:05You saw the painting.
20:07They were clearly lovers.
20:11One last kiss.
20:15Why a last kiss, my love?
20:17I won't share you, Bill.
20:19If I can't have you,
20:21no-one will.
20:25Frank,
20:27him and Bill
20:29had historical beef going back years.
20:31Mostly cucumber-based, of course.
20:33Are you putting something on the man?
20:35It's unnatural.
20:37You think I'd illegally feed cucumbers
20:39to win a competition?
20:41Oh, Frank, this is madness.
20:43I'll show you madness.
20:49Don't you just
20:51stop?
20:53Maud is an interesting fish.
20:55You think Frank
20:57is in charge of that relationship?
20:59Think again, my friend.
21:01All I said was,
21:03cough in well today, Frank.
21:05You humiliated my man, Bill.
21:07His lungs are bad.
21:09He could use my blue badge.
21:11You should never blue badge!
21:15You do realise I've stopped listening?
21:17This way, please.
21:19Hat off.
21:27And also, Bill
21:29had borrowed Carol's edge trimmers.
21:31I think you're sick.
21:33Do you know that?
21:35I think you're sick.
21:39I don't agree.
21:41It's just unacceptable that he's been beaten.
21:43Bill!
21:45No!
21:47And he looks like a fudger!
22:13The committee's let you stay, then?
22:15It's ridiculous.
22:17They've put me on a...
22:19Red card warning, yeah.
22:21Okay, well, you know, keep the head down.
22:23You can clean again after this last dance,
22:25and please, just don't upset any more of them.
22:27It is a nightmare, this place.
22:29I'm never retiring. Never.
22:31Yeah, I told you. I tried to tell you.
22:33Oh, Jesus.
22:35Maud's fallen again.
22:37Could be another health and safety tribunal.
22:39Fuck!
22:41I can feel it between your legs.
22:43I'm on the ballroom follies, too.
22:45Right. Well, don't worry.
22:47I'm not going near it till you've finished.
22:49You've booked the space. I know.
22:51No, no, it's not that.
22:53One of our dancers is without their partner today.
22:55They're in hospital.
22:57I wondered if you might step in
22:59for the last once.
23:01Absolutely not.
23:03No, I'm cleaning, and I'm leaving.
23:05Look, you mean well.
23:07I saw that in the sing-along group.
23:09I'm asking for an act of compassion.
23:11Some things are bigger than your problems, young man.
23:15All right, one dance.
23:17Where is she?
23:19She?
23:39You've had quite the day,
23:41haven't you?
23:43I'm beginning to think this is some sort of cheese dream,
23:45to be honest.
23:47I thought retirement was supposed to be peaceful.
23:49This is just a load of spiteful,
23:51overgrown children.
23:53Petty recriminations.
23:55Murder conspiracy theories.
23:57Pauline.
23:59Before she discovered the centre,
24:01Pauline spent most of her days at home
24:03in front of the telly.
24:05No one murdered people.
24:07No one murdered Bill,
24:09for God's sake.
24:11No, but it's nice to see a fertile
24:13imagination having a run out, isn't it?
24:15I don't think
24:17you've quite got the measure of this place,
24:19have you?
24:21You see Frank?
24:23Oh, bad legs, yeah.
24:25Used to be a pilot.
24:27Oh.
24:29And Christine, over there,
24:31ran an emergency ward for 30 years.
24:33You get my point?
24:35I'm afraid I haven't got a clue
24:37what you're talking about.
24:39Where does all that energy go?
24:41Where's that sense of purpose?
24:43It's here.
24:45In this
24:47wonderful, wonderful place.
24:49Then why does
24:51everyone seem so unhappy?
24:53Look again.
25:05You know, you're a terrible dancer,
25:27but I wish I'd given you
25:29a whirl around myself.
25:31Best not.
25:33I'm a pervert.
25:35Who says I'm not?
26:03Ah!
26:32Fair enough.
26:34Rules are rules.
26:38See you now. Bye.
26:48It's ridiculous. It should be in the budget.
26:50Blue tag for Mucky Fingers will have to come
26:52from your subscription. Well, I think our fees
26:54for the space should cover more than that, thank you very much.
26:56Does the committee know about this?
26:58I think the committee would be very interested
27:00in where that money is going.
27:02You're not suggesting...
27:04And people have noticed you running around
27:06in a rather nice, new
27:08Citroen Saxo.
27:10How dare you!
27:14Ah!
27:32Hey, Dr. Stubbles,
27:34in your old kit,
27:36and mine, mine, mine.
27:40While you were looking for your life,
27:42your time,
27:44I'll go and find some time.
27:46For you,
27:48stop worrying,
27:50remember what was why.
27:52Oh,
27:54thanks, Dr. Stubbles,
27:56in your old kit,
27:58and mine, mine, mine.