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00:09:32So fucked up on bath salts, he ate his girlfriend's face off.
00:09:36I followed that case seriously, because it was so weird.
00:09:40Both of them were on bath salts.
00:09:44He bit her in the face, must have liked it because he kept going.
00:09:48He chomped all the flesh right off of her skull.
00:09:52Sitting there on the curb, chewing on it with a grin on his face,
00:09:56like he was eating a fine steak.
00:10:00She died in the ER.
00:10:04I'm telling you, if the cops don't get a handle on this sooner rather than later,
00:10:08we're going to be up to our eyeballs in these sloppy Joes before long.
00:10:12Well, the lab guys say they can't forecast who's going to go a little bit crazy,
00:10:16or who's going to just flat out die.
00:10:20Because given all that, I kind of understood if you give up autopsies. I get it.
00:10:24I actually enjoy
00:10:28making them look really nice for when their loved ones come in and see them in the viewing room.
00:10:32But like I'm going to tell you anymore, I really dread
00:10:36having to cut into them. Yeah, I get that.
00:10:40Hey, you want to grab lunch? I was thinking maybe orange chicken.
00:10:44Hey, Johnny, sounds good to me, man.
00:10:48You know, in spite of all this, I still got a cast iron stomach.
00:10:52Hey, do you think she looks like that one waitress?
00:10:56Yeah, there's a resemblance, but
00:11:00she ain't as lively.
00:11:26You cooked breakfast?
00:11:30Yep.
00:11:34You know I can't eat when I first get up in the morning.
00:11:38Well, it's not just for you. I made some coffee, too.
00:11:42Well, coffee I can do.
00:11:46You're up awfully early. I figure with it being spring break and all, you'd be sleeping in.
00:11:50You know me. I just get up no matter what.
00:11:54Well, I wish I was like that. I'd sleep until noon every day if I could.
00:11:58Well, growing up on a farm will do that to you.
00:12:02We got up at the crack of dawn every day.
00:12:06You just get used to it after a while.
00:12:10So what are you going to do today?
00:12:14I don't know. Maybe grade some papers and do a little cleaning.
00:12:18You have the entire week off. Why don't you do something fun?
00:12:22I have too much to do.
00:12:26Go down and do something for yourself and relax this week. It's spring break.
00:12:30Spring break is for kids, you know? I'm just too busy.
00:12:34It will get done. Do something nice for yourself.
00:12:38Well, I guess it's been a while since I've done any painting.
00:12:42Exactly. You can get started on a new one today.
00:12:46Maybe I will. What do you have going on today?
00:12:50I'm just patrolling the back mountain.
00:12:54That sounds like fun.
00:12:58Well, with all those college kids going up there, I'm sure it will be a little interesting.
00:13:02You better make sure they're not up to no good.
00:13:06Well, they are college kids and it is spring break.
00:13:10It wasn't that long ago that we were those college kids.
00:13:14Yeah, well, as time has flown.
00:13:18Are you really that unhappy?
00:13:22Now, why would you even ask that?
00:13:26Well, that business with Liam and all, I just thought...
00:13:30I'm sorry, okay? I made a mistake and I haven't even seen Liam in a coon's age.
00:13:34I thought we weren't going to talk about this anymore.
00:13:38Okay, okay. I'm sorry.
00:13:42I'm sorry too. I don't know how many times I have to apologize.
00:13:46Just drop it.
00:13:50I dropped it six months ago. You were supposed to as well.
00:13:54Listen, you'd do the same damn thing if it happened to you.
00:13:58Don't stand there and say you wouldn't.
00:14:02Whatever you say. You can believe whatever you want to believe.
00:14:06Well, I better get going.
00:14:10I've got a lot to do and the sooner I get out, the sooner I'll be back.
00:14:14Well, be careful out there today.
00:14:18I will. It's not like anything major is going to happen. It never does.
00:14:22Watch it. Do you remember what happened the last time you said that?
00:14:26Well, there was that time that a guy tried to shoot one of us.
00:14:30And he shot us.
00:14:34And there was that time that guy tried to shoot Wanda Claggett thinking she was Sasquatch, wasn't he?
00:14:38Poor Wanda.
00:14:42She is a big hairy woman.
00:14:46You're awful.
00:14:50You can't stand here and say she doesn't look like Bigfoot.
00:14:54Well, I guess she isn't exactly feminine, is she?
00:14:58No, she's not. Look, I've got to go, but I'll be back.
00:15:02Love you, too.
00:15:16What the hell are you scratching for? You got fleas or something?
00:15:20I don't got fucking fleas. Do I look like a dog to you?
00:15:24I ain't seen a dog as ugly as you.
00:15:28You wouldn't like it. I'd just lay there and watch boogers on your back.
00:15:32That's just the way my mama raised me, I suppose.
00:15:36I bet she's proud of that, the way you turned out.
00:15:40What the hell are you talking about? I'm a pride and joy.
00:15:44I know your mama. She don't care for you that much. She didn't abort you. She had the chance.
00:15:48She tried. But I was able to grab that coat hanger out of her hands just in time.
00:15:52That's a damn shame.
00:15:56You said he'd be right back. Maybe he's lost. He ain't the brightest guy in the world.
00:16:00He better not have ran all of my money, though. I'll kill him.
00:16:04He's dumb, but he ain't dumb enough to do something like that. He's pretty damn dumb.
00:16:08Yo, yo, yo! What's up, my niggas? Hey, what took you so long?
00:16:12Took a little while to find my friend Danny. Danny?
00:16:16I haven't seen that ass all week. I probably saw him blew his damn head up.
00:16:20He probably should. He's a real piece of shit. And don't talk ill about him. He's good people.
00:16:24He's a real fuckin' prince sellin' dope to all them school kids and shit.
00:16:28You got my shit? I haven't let you down.
00:16:32What the fuck is that shit, Cheetos?
00:16:36It's some new stuff I got from Danny. Got a good price on it, too. Supposed to blow your fuckin' mind.
00:16:40It fuckin' better. I'm fiendin'. Light that shit up.
00:16:54All right.
00:16:58You gonna cough up a fuckin' lung?
00:17:02Nah, I'm good.
00:17:06Never felt better. This shit is awesome.
00:17:10You gotta try it. I don't think so. That looks weird to me.
00:17:14You're lost. Do you want something, Betty, say?
00:17:18Hell yeah. Weird lookin' or otherwise. I'll try anything one.
00:17:22That's the same shit John Mellucci and Amy Winehouse used to say. Things turned out great for them, didn't it?
00:17:26Give me a break. I had a rough fuckin' day.
00:17:30Or maybe I've had a rough life.
00:17:34Fuck.
00:17:50I'm fucked as a up.
00:17:54Me too. Damn, I can't explain how that makes me feel. That's just fuckin' amazing.
00:17:58Cheeto wants some old man? All right, fuck it. Hand it over.
00:18:04Second thought, I'll pass.
00:18:08Fuckin' around with him.
00:18:12Hey, yo.
00:18:16Motherfucker, I ain't givin' you mouth to mouth.
00:18:20No. Motherfucker, I ain't givin' you mouth to mouth.
00:18:50Motherfucker!
00:19:20Hey, babe. Can you hand me the keys? I really gotta pee.
00:19:24Yeah.
00:19:44Come on.
00:19:48You smell that fresh melon air?
00:19:52It's nice, isn't it?
00:19:56Yeah, it is. Really, dude? You're nasty.
00:20:00Better out than in.
00:20:04Hey, at least I didn't do that in the car.
00:20:08I hope you bought him some extra trousers, because I'm pretty sure he shit himself.
00:20:12Nope, I'm straight. No lumps. Classy.
00:20:16So, you got the herb, right?
00:20:20Shit, dude. Yeah, I knew I forgot something.
00:20:24No worries, amigo, because Denny the Many is supposed to be here sometime today or tomorrow.
00:20:28He'll hook us up.
00:20:32Isn't Denny the Fruity Dope guy?
00:20:36That would be Denny.
00:20:40Oh, we can't have Denise and them see each other because he creeps her out.
00:20:44He's got damn weed in the entire Tri-State area.
00:20:48I can't disagree with that. He does have the best weed I've ever smoked.
00:20:52Yeah, I'll give him a call a little bit later. I've got him on speed dial.
00:20:56All right, let's get this stuff out of the car, and then we'll give him a ring, okay?
00:21:00Sounds like a plan, Stan.
00:21:04Man, it is so nice to be back up here.
00:21:08I've been stoked for this forever, bro.
00:21:12Dude, it's just nice. It's nice to get out and just get away from it all for a while, you know?
00:21:16Yeah, it's kind of depressing that
00:21:20this is probably going to be the last time that we are here
00:21:24together for a while.
00:21:28Nah, dude, you've got to think about it like this. Tonight is going to be the most epic night of our lives, man.
00:21:32We're going to be drinking, we're going to be fucking, and maybe even some anal.
00:21:36Yeah, boy. This weekend's about to be fucking lit.
00:21:40Yeah, it is going to be fucking epic.
00:21:44Let's fucking chest bump, dude!
00:21:48Oh, fuck.
00:22:10Can you turn that down, please?
00:22:14What?
00:22:18I said turn it down.
00:22:22What? Oh, my God, turn that fucking shit down. I can't even hear myself.
00:22:26Why are you yelling? I am deaf.
00:22:30Never mind. Oh, my God.
00:22:34And slow down. Where are you going, Speed Racer?
00:22:38Why are you speechless?
00:22:42The last thing we need is to be pulled over while we're driving around with all of this shit.
00:22:46Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Stop being a little bitch.
00:22:50Oh! Hey, take it easy, hoe! What you trying to do, kill us both?
00:22:54Now, what I don't understand
00:22:58is how the hell do you intend to sell all of this at the campground?
00:23:02There's a hell of a lot of pot in here, Cheech.
00:23:06I heard I had one of my high school friends hit me up the other day named Billy.
00:23:10Did you fuck him? No!
00:23:14Well, maybe. Ah. Or?
00:23:18Anyway, so he hit me up about a week ago and said he and his friends
00:23:22were coming up here in the woods and looking to get high.
00:23:26So I said, I got you covered. But then I didn't hear from this son of a bitch.
00:23:30So then I decided I'll offer to make a delivery.
00:23:34So I said I'd hit him up.
00:23:38But the thing was, he said he didn't want the crack. He said no to that crack,
00:23:42which surprised me. Oh. Well, that reminds me.
00:23:46I actually wanted to tell you about something. What? Well, this guy at the county morgue
00:23:50a great customer of mine, by the way. I bet.
00:23:54He said they recently brought in a couple of weird-looking stiffs.
00:23:58What was weird is they had these bright orange eyes.
00:24:02What's that? Another STD?
00:24:06You would know. No, sweetheart.
00:24:10They actually said it's some sort of like brand new drug.
00:24:14But I don't think they actually know yet. Whoa! Watch out, Denny!
00:24:18What the fuck was that?
00:24:22Oh, my God. My God, Denny, they're pulling us over.
00:24:26What are we going to do? I can't go to jail. I'm too cute.
00:24:30Wait, wait, I've got a plan. What's the plan?
00:24:34Just keep driving, and now you can speed up, all right? The camp turnoff is coming
00:24:38right here. Listen, once we make the turn, the cops won't see us for a few seconds,
00:24:42all right? It's really covered by a bunch of trees. I'm going to throw my hand back into the forest there.
00:24:46We'll just come back for it later, okay? Okay, all right, all right.
00:24:50We might be okay. Okay, just keep going. Because we're far enough away that they might not
00:24:54be suspicious. Okay.
00:25:00All right, well, this might be the spot. Oh, my God, we've got to get down.
00:25:30Sir?
00:25:54I need your license and registration, please.
00:26:00What seems to be the problem, officer?
00:26:04Okay.
00:26:08What was that driving stunt you just pulled back there?
00:26:12Swerving across the road like a maniac?
00:26:16Sir, I could smell your breath, and you don't smell like you've been drinking, so I'm not going to
00:26:20put a breathalyzer on you. But what the hell was that all about?
00:26:24Well, you see, this little raccoon just scurried across the road, and I swerved to avoid
00:26:28it.
00:26:32Yeah, it does happen a lot in these parts.
00:26:36Yes, sir, I'm going to give you a pass on that.
00:26:40I've got to ask you another question. How about the first time you lost control of your car?
00:26:44Was that another raccoon?
00:26:48Well, you see... No, no, sir, I don't know.
00:26:52What I do know is a short space of five minutes,
00:26:56with your reckless driving. Now, what was the first incident about?
00:27:00We have a little, um...
00:27:04Well, you see, officers, we're actually on our honeymoon.
00:27:08We just got married.
00:27:12What do you mean, you just got married?
00:27:16Oh, that's beautiful. Isn't that pretty?
00:27:20Oh, is this Kay's jewelry?
00:27:24You lucky bastards.
00:27:28You're too kind.
00:27:32Okay, well, yes, we were going a little over the speed limit, but we have good reason.
00:27:36We're actually on our way to our hotel room.
00:27:40Me and Denny here are really looking forward to consummating the wedding.
00:27:44Aren't we, baby?
00:27:48Like what?
00:27:52I'm sorry.
00:27:56So we're free to go, officer?
00:28:00Yes, yes. For God's sake, get the hell out of here already.
00:28:04Thanks, mister.
00:28:08Cross my heart and hope to die.
00:28:12Thank you, you too.
00:28:16God bless you, officers.
00:28:20Oh, we will.
00:28:28That was close.
00:28:50Ugh.
00:28:54So what's the plan?
00:28:58Well, I say we wait until we're sure they're gone,
00:29:02and then we're gonna go pick up the shit, okay?
00:29:06Okay, sounds good.
00:29:20Let's go.
00:29:40Let me think.
00:29:44You don't drink, you don't smoke.
00:29:48I don't know the rest.
00:29:52I'm not a goody two-shoes.
00:29:56Oh, calm down. It's nothing to be ashamed of.
00:30:00I just don't like to drink, okay?
00:30:04Why not?
00:30:08Because my dad had a problem with it, and I don't want to end up like him.
00:30:12That's right, I remember now.
00:30:16Dude, that's some funny shit. I wish I was there to see it.
00:30:20Oh, you wish you did, bro. There was a big mud stain in the back of his whitey tighty,
00:30:24it's the one of his nuts hanging out the front.
00:30:28Guys, I think we should drop this. I really don't think that Finn wants to hear about any of this.
00:30:32Oh, man, he was sharting in his seat.
00:30:36Well, he was eating sliders all night.
00:30:40Dude, there's no way. Where'd he even put his money?
00:30:44I don't know.
00:30:52Seriously, guys, can we please just stop talking about this?
00:30:56No, no, no. I remember a story my uncle told me one time.
00:31:00He told me that he was one of the guys that arrested him that night, and he threw up
00:31:04all over the cop car. It was fucking nasty.
00:31:08Everyone at the precinct was scared of him.
00:31:12Shut up. Let's go for a walk.
00:31:16You guys are assholes.
00:31:20What'd we do?
00:31:24You know about her past and how sensitive she is about her dad. Why would you even bring it up?
00:31:28Because I thought it was funny.
00:31:32It's okay. All she has to do is loosen up, maybe have a few drinks,
00:31:36not too many, obviously, and then maybe
00:31:40get the stick out of her ass.
00:31:44Exactly, bro. But then she's going to end up drunk at White Castle in her underwear, just like her old man.
00:31:48You're awful.
00:31:52Fuck you.
00:31:56Where are we going? To get a drink.
00:32:00After the shit you pulled, you can get one yourself.
00:32:04I don't know about you, bro, but I wouldn't mind seeing Finn in her underwear.
00:32:08Excuse me?
00:32:12You gotta admit, have you seen the dumper on that girl?
00:32:16I'd eat her shitter like an apple fritter and then fuck her brains out.
00:32:20Yeah? Well, why don't we go do that?
00:32:24Do what? Fuck your brains out.
00:32:28Ain't no chat.
00:32:32Good night, good evening, good luck. See you tomorrow.
00:32:36Babe!
00:32:40Babe!
00:32:44Fuck.
00:32:48Alright, the coast is clear.
00:32:52Yeah, let's go, Thelma.
00:32:56Ew, ew.
00:33:00Oh god, get away!
00:33:04What's wrong with you?
00:33:08Well, I'm trying to get away from all these damn creatures.
00:33:12I hate bugs and all these snakes and all these other nasty motherfuckers.
00:33:16Nature sucks.
00:33:20Calm your clit. It ain't that bad.
00:33:24Well, I don't see bugs trying to orally violate you.
00:33:28Don't touch me, hobo.
00:33:32But you love my touches.
00:33:36Oh, here it is.
00:33:40Hurry and grab it so we can get out of here before these things eat me alive.
00:33:44Uh oh.
00:33:48It isn't in there.
00:33:52Bag, bag.
00:33:56Well, help me find it. It's gotta be around here somewhere.
00:34:00Where could it have gone?
00:34:04Well, no shit, Einstein.
00:34:08What the hell is that?
00:34:12It's probably a fucking bear or something.
00:34:16It ain't no bear. I think I know what it is.
00:34:20No!
00:34:24Well, I think I know where all the shit went.
00:34:28Well, what are we gonna do now?
00:34:32Hang on, I'll get it.
00:34:36Come here, little shit. We got something that we need.
00:34:40I don't think it wants to give it that, babe.
00:34:44Oh god!
00:34:48Stop it! You're gonna like it when you see it!
00:34:52Get off my neck!
00:34:56It's got my bum, Frankie!
00:35:00Frankie!
00:35:04Frankie!
00:35:08Oh, Jenny!
00:35:12No!
00:35:16Jenny!
00:35:20Jenny!
00:35:24No! My feet, Jenny!
00:35:28You wouldn't want me to save myself!
00:35:32Get away from me, you gremlin!
00:35:46It's so beautiful up here.
00:35:50It's so peaceful and quiet.
00:35:58What the hell?
00:36:02Take that, you cock-sucking squirrels!
00:36:06You ain't ever gonna be stealing my nuts ever again!
00:36:10You ain't even hit them, dumbass!
00:36:14There they go, running away!
00:36:18What? That was just a warning shot.
00:36:22I want to get them good and scared before I blow them away.
00:36:26I don't know what you're talking about.
00:36:30Warning shot my ass.
00:36:34You couldn't hit the blue side of a red barn if you were standing right in front of it.
00:36:38Hell, son, you ain't done much better. How many did you get today?
00:36:42None. But I'm after something bigger than them little squirrels.
00:36:46What you after?
00:36:50What do you think? Dumbass?
00:36:54Dumbass? You's a dumbass, Jethro. There ain't no bears up here in these parts.
00:36:58You probably drunk. You ain't seen no goddamn bears up here.
00:37:02Then what the hell was it? Bigfoot?
00:37:06I don't know. Maybe it was your mama. She kind of a big old fat hairy broad.
00:37:10Maybe she was hungry, wandering around the woods stealing some picnic baskets or something.
00:37:14Screw you, Lenny. At least my mom ain't a big old whore who sells her dirty snacks for cigarettes like yours does.
00:37:18Hey, you kissed my ass, you son of a bitch. You can't talk about my mom.
00:37:22Hey, guys, please help me.
00:37:26I killed Denny, and now it's coming to get me next.
00:37:30What the hell are you talking about, Nancy boy? What's coming after you?
00:37:34A naked lady? I bet you're scared to death of them, aren't you, boy?
00:37:38It's a fucking raccoon.
00:37:42Listen, it just ripped Denny to pieces. Please, you've got to help me. It's right out there.
00:37:46A raccoon? What the hell are you going on about?
00:37:50Listen to me, you fucking troglodytes.
00:37:54I'm telling you, it's a killer raccoon, okay?
00:37:58It's all bucked up on drugs and shit.
00:38:02I think you's the one who's fucked up on drugs.
00:38:06Watch out. That killer coon's going to get you.
00:38:10It's here.
00:38:14Are you guys going to do something? Shoot it.
00:38:18Forget you big fuckers.
00:38:22What in the name of Dolly Parton's big old sweet titties was that?
00:38:26I don't know. That gaze is weird.
00:38:30What's that? Maybe it's one of those killer raccoons that Barry was going on about.
00:38:34Watch out, man. That killer coon might get your ass.
00:38:42Oh, you bastards.
00:38:46Shoot it.
00:38:50God damn it.
00:38:54Shoot the fucking dog.
00:39:06Well, shit.
00:39:16I told you there were no goddamn bears here.
00:39:46Well, hi, Marla. What's the good news?
00:39:50Patty Ann was called.
00:39:54Oh, Lord. Why did she see this time? A UFO or another leprechaun?
00:39:58No, Jethro and Lenny went hunting, and they're not back yet.
00:40:02They said they'd be back by 12.
00:40:06It's only 12.30.
00:40:10She's always worried about something.
00:40:14Not really.
00:40:18Well, if you don't, she's going to keep calling, and then I'm going to have to deal with her, and I don't want to deal with her.
00:40:22All right, I'll go have a look. It's not like I don't have a million other things to do today.
00:40:26Good. I'll call her back and let her know.
00:40:30You know, Jethro's probably hiding from her. I know I would be if I was married to her.
00:40:34And she's not here to squirrel turd.
00:40:38Yes, she is, and that's why he drinks like a fish. I'll be back in a bit.
00:40:42I'm coming, Patty.
00:40:46I'm coming.
00:40:50Scurry off, you devil.
00:40:54Foul taker of souls.
00:40:58I just like heavy metal music, man. Everybody likes heavy metal music.
00:41:02Jesus likes heavy metal music. Jesus likes Ozzy Osbourne. Jesus likes Ronnie James Dio.
00:41:06Ronnie James Dio was not a holy diver.
00:41:10He drowned in Satan's feces.
00:41:14I don't know. I don't think that's right, man.
00:41:18He did, brother. He was besmirched.
00:41:22I can't go with you on that, man. That's just nutty.
00:41:26Behold, brothers and sisters, our most righteous lord,
00:41:30that piledriver of Satan's spawn,
00:41:34we shall cast you out.
00:41:38To cast out the rock and roller from his sola.
00:41:42Nah, man. That's not gonna happen.
00:41:46Ronnie James Dio forever, man. That's just not a reality, man.
00:41:50Oh.
00:41:54Is that a hit?
00:41:58Is that a hit?
00:42:10Jesus is burning!
00:42:14Jesus is burning!
00:42:28Jesus is burning!
00:42:32Jesus is burning!
00:42:36Jesus is burning!
00:42:40When on that rock, your brother shall protect you.
00:42:44Jesus is burning!
00:42:48Jesus is burning!
00:42:52Or maybe just guide you to paradise.
00:42:56Ronnie James Dio forever.
00:43:04Oh, brother Fred, it's Armageddon.
00:43:08A furry monkey devil is killing all our flock.
00:43:12What are we gonna do?
00:43:16Brother Riley, there's a miracle here still alive.
00:43:20Why don't you take some of that miracle?
00:43:24Oh, God.
00:43:28Oh, God.
00:43:32Oh, God.
00:43:36Oh, God. The horror.
00:43:40Oh, God. The horror.
00:43:44Oh, God. The horror.
00:43:48It's the devil monkey!
00:43:52Oh!
00:43:56Oh!
00:44:00He was such a good boy.
00:44:04Oh, well.
00:44:08Hello?
00:44:12Somebody there?
00:44:16Carlos, is that you?
00:44:20You're not gonna scare me so you can knock it off.
00:44:24Oh!
00:44:28What's wrong with you? Watch where you're going!
00:44:32Oh!
00:44:36What's wrong with you? Watch where you're going!
00:44:40Sorry. I'm so, so sorry. Oh, my God. Come on. We have gotta go. That thing is coming.
00:44:44What are you talking about? What's coming?
00:44:48God damn it. Again? The raccoon!
00:44:52The raccoon? This is some sort of joke, right?
00:44:56No. No, it's all cracked out on drugs and it's out of its mind.
00:45:00I swear to God. Oh, my God. It killed Denny.
00:45:04This is some sort of YouTube video, right?
00:45:08I mean, you need to work on your material. A killer raccoon? Be serious.
00:45:12Listen to me, you stupid bitch. I don't give a shit if you believe me or not, okay?
00:45:16I am getting the fuck out of here before that thing comes back and gets me again.
00:45:20Now, are you coming or not?
00:45:24All right. This is a little much. You don't have to be all nasty about it.
00:45:28Oh, shit. Oh, shit. I told you. Come on. We've gotta go.
00:45:32You can just stay here and get that pussy shredded the fuck up.
00:45:36But not mine, honey.
00:45:40What a weirdo.
00:46:02Oh, shit.
00:46:18I've seen an evil gnome lurking in the aisles of Boat Hardware.
00:46:22You saw what? An evil gnome coming to get me.
00:46:26No, ma'am. No, you didn't. No, he's not a gnome.
00:46:30He's not coming to get you. He's a dork.
00:46:34Jonathan needs to get down here right away.
00:46:38No, no. Fine. I will tell him when he gets back.
00:46:42Yes, yes. I'll make that report. Sure.
00:46:50Bigfoot planted a seed in my sweet Susie.
00:46:54How many times do I have to tell you, Mr. Roberts? Bigfoot is not real.
00:46:58He did not impregnate your daughter. That was Joey from the diner.
00:47:02The cook? Yeah.
00:47:10Oh, yeah. This is it. What do you think?
00:47:14Whatever. Yeah. This is a nice place to set up camp.
00:47:18If you say so. I really don't care one way or the other, Alan.
00:47:22What the hell is your problem? I have no idea what you're talking about.
00:47:26You've been acting like this ever since we got here. I don't know, Alan. Maybe it's because I wanted to go to Florida
00:47:30or somewhere nice for a vacation, and instead you dragged us out to the middle of nowhere.
00:47:34Look, we talked about this. We couldn't afford to... I know. I know.
00:47:38We couldn't afford a nice Florida vacation or anywhere nice, so you brought us here instead.
00:47:42You know business has been slow lately.
00:47:46Well, maybe if you got a real job, we'd have a little more money.
00:47:50How many times do I have to tell you? A hot dog vendor is a real job.
00:47:54When you're ten, maybe I should just leave you for the paperboy. He probably makes more money.
00:47:58At least I have a job. What do you do all day? Sit around on your ass watching TV?
00:48:02Too bad we don't get paid for that, because we'd be fucking billionaires if we did.
00:48:06You're an asshole. Look, I don't want to fight, okay?
00:48:10We're on vacation. Let's just try to have a good time.
00:48:14This is hardly a vacation. I mean, it's not that bad.
00:48:18We could go hiking or fishing or... I hate hiking and fishing.
00:48:22What about birdwatching? I think I saw a tepted titmouse over there earlier.
00:48:26Oh, that's great, because that's the only tit you're going to see this weekend.
00:48:30How about lunch, huh? Would that make you happy?
00:48:34Sure. What are you going to make?
00:48:38I was thinking we could have some hot dogs. They're nice over an open campfire.
00:48:42Yeah, might as well do something with those hot dogs, because you sure as hell can't sell them.
00:48:46Screw it. Where are you going?
00:48:50Take your time, Alan.
00:48:54Maybe you'll fall into a sinkhole or something.
00:48:58Fucking bitch.
00:49:02I think we're getting eaten by a bear or something this weekend.
00:49:06What's that?
00:49:20Hey, little guy. What are you?
00:49:24Come here.
00:49:28I don't bite.
00:49:50Oh, hello.
00:49:54Oh, baby, what's up?
00:49:58Oh, nice feet, kitty.
00:50:02Oh, you smelly kitty.
00:50:06You need a bath.
00:50:10Oh, you smelly kitty.
00:50:14You need a bath.
00:50:18No!
00:50:22No!
00:50:26No!
00:50:30No!
00:50:34No!
00:50:48No!
00:50:52No!
00:50:56No!
00:51:00No!
00:51:04No!
00:51:08No!
00:51:12No!
00:51:16Jethro won't be coming home for dinner.
00:51:20I probably should call Charlotte.
00:51:24Hey, honey.
00:51:28Something came up. I'm going to be late tonight.
00:51:32I need you to go ahead and put my dinner in the fridge. I'll heat it up when I get home.
00:51:36Love you.
00:51:46Hey, honey.
00:51:50Something came up.
00:51:54I'm going to be late tonight.
00:51:58I need you to go ahead and put my dinner in the fridge.
00:52:02I'll heat it up when I get home.
00:52:06Love you.
00:52:10Hey, honey.
00:52:14I love you.
00:52:22Hey, babe.
00:52:26It's me. Listen, the asshole's going to be late
00:52:30getting home tonight, so why don't you come over
00:52:34in about an hour? Once you get here,
00:52:38you can come as many times as you want.
00:52:42I'm sorry for horning, and I cannot wait to see you.
00:52:46See you soon.
00:53:06Oh, my God. Oh, yes!
00:53:10Oh, I just want to say I am so sorry for all the shit
00:53:14I've done over the years.
00:53:18Well, half of the shit, anyways.
00:53:22Oh, fuck it. I might even consider going to church on Sunday
00:53:26just to show you my thanks.
00:53:30Don't expect it to be a regular thing.
00:53:34You know, us walking into a church.
00:53:38Fire hazard. Wait a minute.
00:53:42Wait. Now, come to think of it, I actually got myself out of this.
00:53:46You didn't do shit. I was out there all day
00:53:50running a marathon from that trash can panda.
00:53:54Where were you? Up there on cloud nine and eating your
00:53:58holy popcorn, watching the fucking show?
00:54:02Lord and Savior, my ass.
00:54:06Oh, shit!
00:54:14Hey, friend.
00:54:18God, are you still there?
00:54:22No!
00:54:36No!
00:55:00No, no, no, no. Not another one.
00:55:04Hey, Marla. I hate to do this to you,
00:55:08but I need you to call the sheriff back. There's another dead body.
00:55:12Now, this one looks like it could be a wild animal attack.
00:55:16No, no. This one's further down the mountain. I don't know. Maybe a bear?
00:55:20Or a mountain lion? I'm not sure.
00:55:24Let me look around, and I'll call you right back.
00:55:34Oh, good heavens.
00:55:50A coon? It can't be.
00:55:58Yeah, Marla, it's me. We've got a fourth dead body out here.
00:56:02Yeah. I think we're dealing with a rabid coon.
00:56:06What? No, an actual raccoon.
00:56:10Marla, do I need to send you to sensitivity training again?
00:56:24A nasty raccoon is violently humping Ellie Mae.
00:56:28Send help quick. Hold on, girl. Help's a-coming.
00:56:32Oh, right there.
00:56:36Oh, right there, Ben.
00:56:40Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I'm so close. I'm gonna come.
00:56:44Oh, I know, babe.
00:56:48Oh, my God. I'm so close.
00:56:52Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Yes.
00:56:56Right there. Yeah.
00:57:00Three, two, one. Time to pee.
00:57:04What? What are you doing?
00:57:08I was so close.
00:57:12Seriously?
00:57:16Yeah. Sorry. I got a race like this.
00:57:20What I want to lose is getting sick. You couldn't hold it?
00:57:24Listen. Give me one minute. I'll be back when we'll finish it up.
00:57:28Okay. Well, hurry up. And will you open the window?
00:57:32It's hot in the third circle, Helen. Yes, Your Majesty.
00:57:46Thank God he's pretty.
00:57:54Hey.
00:57:58Hey.
00:58:02Hey.
00:58:06Hey.
00:58:10Hey.
00:58:14That was fast.
00:58:18Oh, Carlos.
00:58:22I thought you didn't do that.
00:58:26Oh, my God.
00:58:30Yes, Carlos.
00:58:34I almost didn't make it there.
00:58:38What are you doing? Playing with yourself?
00:58:52That boy's slamming it in there. Do you hear her screaming?
00:58:56Why don't you make me scream like that?
00:59:00Oh, my God.
00:59:20Oh, my God.
00:59:24Oh, my God.
00:59:28Oh, my God.
00:59:48You're kidding, right? You don't remember that night at that hotel before Pop Pop's funeral?
00:59:52I made you scream that night, didn't I?
00:59:56You were drunk, and you put it in my asshole, you idiot.
01:00:00Don't you remember me walking funny for like three days, and I had to sit on a bag of frozen peas?
01:00:04I do remember that.
01:00:08No, no!
01:00:22You first. I first.
01:00:26He ate all the papers.
01:00:30You know, why don't you make me scream like that?
01:00:34Maybe I'll shove something up your ass next time.
01:00:38What? What? I didn't hear you.
01:00:42Nothing. Do you need another beer?
01:00:46I do, actually.
01:00:50Thank you. Love you.
01:00:54Love you, too.
01:00:58Let's do this party.
01:01:02Hey.
01:01:06Whatever they're doing in there sounds crazy and really painful.
01:01:10I think it sounds kick-ass.
01:01:14Well, of course you do. Guess I'm the prude in this relationship.
01:01:18Kinda, but it's okay. You're getting there. One day, we're gonna be doing everything they're doing, and you're gonna love it!
01:01:22Okay, on that note, I'm gonna go get wet in the shower.
01:01:26I'm gonna take this one alone.
01:01:30Yeah, that's probably for the best. I feel shit brewing right now, and I think it's turtleneck in a little bit.
01:01:34Yeah, nice. Go handle that in the other restroom, please.
01:01:38Why? Why would I do that?
01:01:42Do I really have to explain this to you? Jesus!
01:01:46You really think I want to smell your shitty shits while I'm trying to take a nice, relaxing shower?
01:01:50I would love for you to smell my shitty shits, but...
01:01:54I don't understand why you would not want to smell everything that has been rotting inside me throughout the day.
01:01:58Because it doesn't smell like roses, sweetheart.
01:02:02It might this time.
01:02:06I'll talk to you later.
01:02:10But I still love you, even though you don't want to smell my shit.
01:02:14Nobody wants to smell your shit.
01:02:18I swear, she's on her period. I heard that. You're not wrong.
01:02:22Oh, shit.
01:02:26A rabid raccoon on crack is killing people on the mountain.
01:02:30A raccoon. On crack. Yeah, that's rich. You expect me to believe that one?
01:02:34I suppose next you're gonna tell me it was Mothman.
01:02:38No, SSS says to you the Mothman attack was last week.
01:02:42Okay, yeah. I'll take that report.
01:02:46All day with these people. All day. I do not get paid enough for this.
01:02:50Oh, shit.
01:02:54Twins.
01:02:58Oh, triplets.
01:03:02Oh, shit.
01:03:06I guess it doesn't smell that good.
01:03:10Oh, shit.
01:03:14Okay.
01:03:18Dude, I love ethnic people, too.
01:03:22Same.
01:03:26Dude, I cannot wait to show Carlos this.
01:03:30I'm about to send this to him right now.
01:03:34Oh, that was bold.
01:03:38Dude, he's definitely gonna get cancer for that.
01:03:42I also watch him.
01:03:46I watch him. I watch the reruns.
01:03:50Oh, fuck. Speaking of runs.
01:03:54Whew.
01:04:02What the fuck?
01:04:06Denise?
01:04:16I sprayed something.
01:04:20Denise?
01:04:24Carlos?
01:04:28Anybody?
01:04:32Damn it.
01:04:46Fuck.
01:04:54Fuck.
01:04:58Fuck!
01:05:02Fuck!
01:05:06Fuck!
01:05:16Fuck!
01:05:46Aiden?
01:05:50Can you bring me a towel?
01:05:54Aiden, I need a towel. I got soap in my eye.
01:06:02Aiden, what are you doing? I need a goddamn towel.
01:06:16Aiden? Are you in here?
01:06:46What the hell?
01:07:16Fuck.
01:07:46Oh, shit.
01:07:50Hey.
01:07:54Hey, you okay? Hello?
01:07:58Oh, my God, he's dead.
01:08:02They're poking me. I'm not the Pillsbury Doughboy.
01:08:06Oh, my God. What the fuck?
01:08:10What is wrong with you?
01:08:14What does it look like, Stevie Wonder? I am sitting here talking to you, aren't I?
01:08:18What the hell happened to you? Did you fall into a woodchipper or something?
01:08:22Yes. I fell into a fucking woodchipper.
01:08:26How did you guess? Dumbass.
01:08:30Well, then what actually happened to you?
01:08:34What does it look like? That cracked-out raccoon got a hold of me.
01:08:38We have been through this. This drugged-out raccoon shit again?
01:08:42I'm fucking serious, okay? Look, that thing nearly ripped me to pieces.
01:08:46Just like it did Denny.
01:08:50Right. So where is this killer raccoon?
01:08:54I don't know. I'm sure it's still running around here somewhere, drinking someone's blood.
01:08:58Look, we have got to call someone for help before it comes looking for us.
01:09:02Okay. Who do you want to call?
01:09:06Well, the cops? Animal Control? Ghostbusters?
01:09:10You ask a lot of questions. Just give me your phone.
01:09:14I left mine in the car. I don't have one.
01:09:18What do you mean you don't have a phone? Where is it inside?
01:09:22No, I mean I don't have a cell phone. Never had one, and I never will.
01:09:26Ew. Why the hell not? Because I don't want one.
01:09:30Girl, what the fuck is wrong with you? Nothing. I just never wanted one.
01:09:34Okay. And what if you have, like, an emergency or something? Then what?
01:09:38I don't have one.
01:09:42Okay. Little house on the prairie. You're about to have one now.
01:09:46Is there at least a landline in that shack? I think so.
01:09:50All right. Well, let's go use it and call for help before we're both raccoon chow.
01:09:54And trust me, he is going to find you first.
01:09:58He can smell your pheromones.
01:10:02Hey, hey, hey. I'll help you.
01:10:06You always catch me on my ass. Thanks.
01:10:10I'm Frankie, by the way. I'm Finn.
01:10:14Finn? Isn't that a guy's name?
01:10:18Funny. I thought Frankie was a guy's name, too.
01:10:22Girl, don't be so... Oh.
01:10:26Okay. I got you. You know what, Huckleberry?
01:10:30Touche.
01:10:36Hey.
01:10:56Everything okay, folks?
01:11:00Define okay.
01:11:04It looks like you've been through an industrial shredder.
01:11:08Well, I feel like it, too. Really? What happened?
01:11:12Goddammit. Again? I should really write a book about this.
01:11:16I was attacked by a raccoon.
01:11:20Oh, I was afraid of that. Look, we need to get him to a hospital.
01:11:24There are four dead bodies in the woods nearby. It looked like they were victims of a wild animal attack.
01:11:28In fact, I was coming here to warn you to keep an eye out for it.
01:11:32Oh. Well, thanks, Dick Tracy. But you're a little late.
01:11:36Excuse me?
01:11:40Look, that fucking raccoon, he killed my boyfriend.
01:11:44And then he used me as his personal chew toy.
01:11:48I hate being sloppy seconds. He killed your boyfriend?
01:11:52Yeah. Do you have a problem with that, Officer Dewey?
01:11:56Of course not. It's just we have a hyper-aggressive coon on our hands.
01:12:00We better clear the area. Is there anyone else in the house?
01:12:04My friends. I need you to go round them up. Tell them we gotta get out of here pronto.
01:12:08It's not safe. Okay, we'll get them.
01:12:12Isn't this the damnedest thing?
01:12:16Yeah. Well, it isn't exactly a normal raccoon.
01:12:20What do you mean? Well, it got into some pretty powerful crack.
01:12:24Crack? Yeah.
01:12:28No. Ice. Chingy.
01:12:32Base. Jelly beans.
01:12:36Immigrant helper? How do you know it got into crack?
01:12:40Oh. Well, I mean, I...
01:12:44They're dead! They're all dead! Ma'am, what happened?
01:12:48It got them! It got all of them! What got them? Who?
01:12:52The raccoon got them! Is it still in there? I don't know.
01:12:56Okay, I am calling it. Let's just...
01:13:00Let that be one of life's mysteries. If you haven't noticed yet,
01:13:04I really need a doctor here. It's getting infected.
01:13:08Okay, I'll drive you to the hospital. We just need to make one stop so I can check on my wife.
01:13:12Fine. Come on. Just gotta hurry before that thing comes back.
01:13:16Ow.
01:13:26Ow.
01:13:56Ow.
01:14:26Come on out, babe.
01:14:30Your doctor of love has arrived.
01:14:34And I'm ready to take your temperature.
01:14:38Directly.
01:14:42Ah! Ah!
01:14:46Ah! Ah!
01:14:50Ah!
01:14:54Ma'am?
01:14:58Is that you?
01:15:24Ah!
01:15:28Ah!
01:15:32Ah!
01:15:36Ah!
01:15:40Ah!
01:15:44Ma'am? Did you bring those chili dogs?
01:15:48I smell something.
01:15:52Ah!
01:16:00Ah!
01:16:04Ah!
01:16:08Ah!
01:16:12Ah!
01:16:16Ah!
01:16:20Ah!
01:16:24Ah!
01:16:28Ah!
01:16:32Ah!
01:16:36Ah!
01:16:40Ah!
01:16:44Ah!
01:16:48You're looking hot there, babe.
01:16:52Liam's gonna lose his shit.
01:17:00Girl, you are a knockout.
01:17:04You missed your calling.
01:17:08You should have been a model.
01:17:18Liam?
01:17:22Babe, is that you?
01:17:26Liam?
01:17:30I got a brand new sexy little number just for you.
01:17:34Ah!
01:17:38Ah!
01:17:42Ah!
01:17:46Ah!
01:17:50Ah!
01:17:54Ah!
01:17:58Ah!
01:18:02Ah!
01:18:06Ah!
01:18:10Ah!
01:18:14Ah!
01:18:18Ah!
01:18:22Ah!
01:18:26Ah!
01:18:30Ah!
01:18:34Ah!
01:18:38Ah!
01:18:42Ah!
01:18:46Ah!
01:18:50Ah!
01:18:54Ah!
01:18:58Ah!
01:19:02Ah!
01:19:06Ah!
01:19:10Ah!
01:19:14Ah!
01:19:18Ah!
01:19:22Ah!
01:19:26Ah!
01:19:30Ah!
01:19:34Ah!
01:19:38Ah!
01:19:42Ah!
01:19:46Ah!
01:19:50Ah!
01:19:54Ah!
01:19:58Ah!
01:20:02Ah!
01:20:06Ah!
01:20:10Ah!
01:20:14Ah!
01:20:18Ah!
01:20:22Ah!
01:20:26Ah!
01:20:30Ah!
01:20:34Ah!
01:20:38Ah!
01:20:42That bastard killed my wife, and now it's going to pay!
01:20:46Are you okay?
01:20:50Come on, I think so.
01:20:54Thank God he is one lousy shot. That could have been a lot worse, honey.
01:20:58What the hell is wrong with you, man? You almost blew her brains out!
01:21:02I didn't, did I? I am going to kill that damn thing!
01:21:06There's more guns in the house.
01:21:10So, why don't you make yourself useful and go grab one so you can help me out?
01:21:14Huh?
01:21:18Make myself useful? What a dick.
01:21:22Whoa, whoa, whoa! Where are you going, Huckleberry?
01:21:26We have to help him!
01:21:30We need to get out of here!
01:21:34That thing killed all my friends. It's payback time.
01:21:38Okay. Listen, Sarah Connor, just at least go grab one of his guns first.
01:21:42No.
01:21:46Excuse me? What do you mean, no?
01:21:50I don't like guns.
01:21:54Well, I've got good reason to be anti-gun.
01:21:58Because...
01:22:02My dad was an abusive alcoholic, and one night he was attacking my mom.
01:22:06So, I took his gun and shot him.
01:22:10Huh? Jesus, Huckleberry.
01:22:14I'm so sorry. I had to. He was going to kill her.
01:22:18It's okay. Come here. I totally understand.
01:22:22My dad was an asshole, too.
01:22:26Oh, there he goes. Come on, let's go help him before he blows his dick off or something.
01:22:34Come out, come out, wherever you are, you little shit!
01:22:42Ha ha! Just in case.
01:22:46Wait, Huckleberry, this one's defective.
01:22:50That's a guard, Frankie.
01:22:54What's that?
01:22:58What's going on, Johnny? We're coming!
01:23:02Frankie!
01:23:06Get off me, you little fucker!
01:23:24Well, if I didn't have rabies, I definitely do now.
01:23:40Holy shit, Huckleberry.
01:23:44Nice shot.
01:23:48You okay?
01:23:52Thanks to you, of course.
01:23:56Where the hell did you learn to shoot like that?
01:24:00Guess I'm just a natural.
01:24:04And thank God for that.
01:24:08Can you do me a favor?
01:24:12What's that, Frankie?
01:24:16Can you please take us to the hospital?
01:24:20One hell of a shot.
01:24:50What the fuck?
01:24:54What the fuck?
01:24:58What the fuck?
01:25:02What the fuck?
01:25:06What the fuck?
01:25:10What the fuck?
01:25:14What the fuck?
01:25:18What the fuck?
01:25:22What the fuck?
01:25:26What the fuck?
01:25:30What the fuck?
01:25:34What the fuck?
01:25:38What the fuck?
01:25:42What the fuck?
01:25:46What the fuck?
01:25:50What the fuck?
01:25:54What the fuck?
01:25:58What the fuck?
01:26:02What the fuck?
01:26:06What the fuck?
01:26:10What the fuck?
01:26:14What the fuck?
01:26:18What the fuck?
01:26:22What the fuck?
01:26:26What the fuck?
01:26:30What the fuck?
01:26:34What the fuck?
01:26:38What the fuck?
01:26:42What the fuck?
01:26:46What the fuck?
01:26:50What the fuck?
01:26:54What the fuck?
01:26:58What the fuck?
01:27:02What the fuck?
01:27:06What the fuck?
01:27:10What the fuck?
01:27:14What the fuck?
01:27:18What the fuck?
01:27:22What the fuck?
01:27:26What the fuck?
01:27:30What the fuck?
01:27:34What the fuck?
01:27:38What the fuck?
01:27:42What the fuck?
01:27:46What the fuck?
01:27:50What the fuck?
01:27:54What the fuck?
01:27:58What the fuck?
01:28:02What the fuck?
01:28:06What the fuck?