Taskmaster AU S03E03
Taskmaster AU S03E04 >>> https://dai.ly/x97e9s8
Taskmaster AU S03E04 >>> https://dai.ly/x97e9s8
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00:00No!
00:11We slayed it!
00:25Is this good television?
00:27Is this good television?
00:40Hello everyone and welcome to Taskmaster.
00:43My name's Tom Gleeson.
00:44And whilst the audience here know that,
00:46it is not the name they've been chanting for hours outside this studio.
00:50That name ringing across the queue,
00:52as well as in the hearts and minds of the nation,
00:54has been, and will always be, the Taskmaster.
01:00Joining me tonight are five comedic folk of varying profiles, height,
01:04and grasps on why they're here,
01:06who are vying to compete for a piece of art
01:09melted down from stolen artefacts.
01:12The statue of my golden head.
01:17They are...
01:18Aaron Chen.
01:21Conchita Carrizo.
01:23Mel Buttle.
01:26Peter Hellyer.
01:28And Rhys Nicholson.
01:33And as always, here to make sure no-one steals my shoes
01:37while I nap in the ad breaks,
01:39it's my assistant Tom Cashman.
01:45Lesser Tom, kick us off, will you?
01:47Well, our first task is a prize task.
01:49Each of our contestants have brought in a prize
01:51and the person who wins tonight's episode
01:53will take home all five prizes.
01:55Tonight our contestants have been asked to bring in
01:57the quaintest thing.
02:00OK, first up, Peter, what have you got?
02:02Well, when I think quaint, I think of my nan
02:05and I was going to bring her tea cosy in,
02:07but I thought that's not enough for Taskmaster.
02:09So I brought her tea cosy in,
02:11but I put it on the urn of her ashes.
02:14Oh!
02:20And to make it clear, my nan was alive three days ago.
02:25That's how much this means to me, Tom!
02:27OK.
02:28So just to be clear, you think that the tea cosy
02:31on top of the ashes is quaint, not the death?
02:33The death was quite quaint, actually.
02:35It was a knitting accident.
02:39All right, Mel, what have you got?
02:41Oh, we're going back to the oldy, oldy days.
02:44I have brought along a calculator that's on a lanyard
02:49and it's pink.
02:54OK.
02:55Do all three things add to the quaintness?
02:57100%, Big Daddy, yes.
03:02That colour is super, like, early 90s.
03:05The fact that a calculator that's already portable
03:07has been made into perhaps a fashion item, if you wish.
03:11Super quaint.
03:12OK. Conchita, what did you bring in?
03:14I brought in Stamp News.
03:16It's a monthly magazine for stamp collectors.
03:19OK.
03:20Do you have any idea what was going on in the stamp world
03:22in June of 1971?
03:24War.
03:28Aaron, what did you bring in?
03:29Well, I don't know if it's really quaint or not,
03:33but I got actually married recently to pursue a quieter life
03:38and my wife has a miniature schnauzer that she treasures
03:44who loves the countryside
03:46and my dad has taken up oil painting.
03:50I commissioned one.
03:57It's really good.
03:58Very adorable, but is it quaint, Aaron?
04:01Is it?
04:02Well, I feel like on the way through,
04:04you were really trying to upsize the quaintness of it.
04:06I think the countryside bit was not true.
04:10I live in the country now.
04:12Which part?
04:13Australia.
04:18All right.
04:19Rhys, what did you bring in?
04:21Quaint, I think.
04:23Kind of adorably old-timey.
04:25And so I have brought for you a straight white man
04:28who works in a family-run tool shop.
04:37You said he was a straight white man.
04:39Why is being straight quaint?
04:41Well, who's doing that anymore?
04:43Um, the majority.
04:46It seems very boring to me.
04:48I'm not hating straight culture.
04:50I think it's a fascinating group of people
04:52with your harsh fabrics and your violence.
04:55I don't mind it behind closed doors,
04:57but I don't want it shoved down my throat.
05:03I feel like Rhys is on one.
05:05I had to hire an actor for that.
05:08Oh, thanks for confirming it's not even true.
05:12Also, I'm not sure a calculator at the end of a lanyard's that quaint.
05:16So two points to Mel.
05:17I'm worried that we're going to be endorsing the idea
05:19that Peter Hellier's grandmother's death was quaint,
05:22even though he pointed it out.
05:24Are you saying my nan died for three points?
05:30It's a dangerous message you're sending, mate.
05:32It really is.
05:33Well, I'm sticking to my guns. It's three points.
05:35Four points to Conchita for The Stamp Magazine,
05:37but I think we have to agree the quaintest offering tonight
05:39was from Aaron Chen.
05:42Five points!
05:44OK, a task proper, Mr Tom.
05:46Very well, but you're going to want to sit down for this one.
05:49Maybe.
05:54MUSIC
06:05Hey, binge-use, how's it going?
06:07Hello there.
06:09Alan Kayes.
06:10OK, just open the freaking envelope.
06:14Make yourself into a stylish yet functional piece of furniture.
06:18Most stylish yet functional piece of furniture wins.
06:21Tom will use furniture you
06:24for its intended purpose in 30 minutes.
06:28Your time starts now.
06:31What is furniture?
06:33The movable articles that are used to make a room or building
06:36suitable for living or working in.
06:38That's me in a nutshell.
06:39Let's name some types of furniture.
06:41Desk, table.
06:42We've got chair.
06:43Before we continue, can we address something?
06:45This is a normal pencil. I'm so tiny.
06:48Bench, wardrobe.
06:50Mattress.
06:51My old nickname in high school.
06:53I'm not being a mattress, you sick bastard.
06:56I'm just reading the list.
06:57If I was a chair, you'd have to sit on me.
06:59We're not doing that.
07:00Do you have a collection of anything?
07:01Do you have stuff that you would like to store?
07:03I used to collect business cards when I was a child.
07:06Oh, mate, that's the grimmest thing I've ever heard in my life.
07:09Is a lamp furniture?
07:11Hi.
07:12Are you out of breath?
07:13No.
07:14Where am I allowed to be?
07:16Yeah, I am.
07:18I mean, to turn on the lamp, you have to turn on the lamp.
07:22Yes, you do. That's your job.
07:25Is this giving you the same type of thrill your business cards did?
07:28I don't think I've felt that thrill till I put all 640 in the bin.
07:33640!
07:36Milk, Fanta.
07:38Generic orange drink.
07:39Orange drink.
07:41Generic white drink.
07:42You can say milk.
07:43Oh, OK, sorry.
07:45All you need to do is make sure that you use me properly.
07:49Get ready to slurp.
07:50Slurp's up, mate.
07:56Do you want to know about my business card collection?
07:58Don't, don't. I've done this.
08:01We need more information.
08:02You actually had a business card collection?
08:04I had them in, like, a photo album with, like, my favourites in there
08:07and then I had a second bit for the second tier.
08:10And I got rid of them because when I was, like, eight,
08:12I remember asking my dad,
08:13Dad, do you reckon I've got the biggest business card collection
08:16in the world?
08:17And my dad was like, oh, sometimes at conferences people will just
08:20put their business cards into, like, a big thing for a competition
08:23and I reckon there's probably more in there than you've got.
08:26So I just went and put all of them in the bin.
08:30Even the A-tier ones?
08:34I kept the A-tier ones.
08:40You're like that guy in the movie Psycho.
08:44All right, whose stylish yet functional furniture selves
08:46should we see first?
08:48When it comes to furniture, like a waterbed,
08:50these two are getting to an age where they're cool again.
08:52It's Mel and Pete.
08:55Oh, it's good to be home, but it's a bit dark in here.
08:58God, I should turn the lamp on.
09:05I'm not sure how to turn on this lamp.
09:07Look on the desk.
09:10To use this very functional lamp,
09:12play a dainty tune on the red recorder
09:15and then say out loud, give me light, Lampy.
09:18I predict that you've had a big day
09:20and so I've brought home two butter chickens instead of one.
09:24There we go, I've turned the lamp on.
09:31Give me light, Lampy.
09:34Light is coming.
09:37Look at you, God, you're gorgeous, you're fascinating, aren't you?
09:40You're a big tall drink of water.
09:42Walked right on in there on those two feet.
09:44Wow, the charm is really lighting up the room,
09:47but it also has a shade.
09:49Uh-oh, nice whistle, bitch.
09:51What are you, a PE teacher, bus driver, teacher aid?
09:54Is that what you need a whistle for?
09:56One more time. It wasn't dainty enough.
09:58OK.
10:04Give me light, Lampy.
10:06Wow, really quick this time.
10:08I really want to turn this lamp off.
10:11I always wear transition lenses.
10:14It's not helped by the fact
10:16that it's in front of quite a functional lamp,
10:18shining quite brightly.
10:22It's movable.
10:24People say functionality can't be fun.
10:27I put the fun in functionality.
10:29Yay!
10:31What was the style element?
10:34Huh?
10:36Thanks, Tom. Thanks, Mel.
10:38You're not taking this with you?
10:40No, thanks.
10:46Pete, were you stylish?
10:48Yes, yes.
10:50I was stylish.
10:52I mean, he surprised me by being able to play a jaunty tune.
10:55Actually, that shocked me.
10:57Were you trying to wrong-foot him by asking him to play the recorder?
11:00There was a note on the table, and he missed the note.
11:03He was, like, fumbling around my pants and stuff.
11:06I apologise.
11:08I was doing what I usually do with a normal lamp,
11:11is try to find where it is that you turn it on.
11:14Not one this stylish, mate.
11:16So you're saying it was more functional for a lamp
11:19to have a note written by the lamp on the table to turn it on?
11:22That doesn't sound functional to me.
11:24I guess what I'm hoping for at this stage
11:26is the others have f***ed up their task.
11:28The more stylish a lamp, the harder it is.
11:30Like, when you're at a nice hotel, it's hard to turn on the lamp sometimes.
11:33I agree.
11:34Like, when I'm staying at a really nice hotel,
11:36often I say,
11:37look at that middle-aged man in the corner with a lampshade on his head.
11:40I hope there's a laborious way of turning him on.
11:42Oh, great, there's a note on the table,
11:44and then I read it at length,
11:46and I'm still in the dark so I can barely read it.
11:48It's a bloody nightmare.
11:50You weren't stylish and you weren't functional.
11:52Yeah.
11:53So, Mel, compared to Pete, you were very stylish.
11:57Thank you very much.
11:58Thanks.
11:59Now, two curries turn you on.
12:01What does three do?
12:03That's a mop and bucket situation.
12:11Same thing happens when Lesser Tom sees a few business cards.
12:16It's time for some advertisements.
12:18More nonsense flat-packed into Human Comedian for next.
12:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
12:31Welcome back to Taskmaster,
12:33where five Australian comedians
12:35are finally doing something useful with their lives
12:37by turning themselves into furniture.
12:39That's right, they've replaced wood with flesh
12:41and screws with bones and lampshades with...
12:44lampshades.
12:46Here's three more I picked up off Gumtree for a steal
12:49and chucked in the back of my ute consensually.
12:52It's Aaron, Conchetta and Rhys.
12:54Wow, I'm so thirsty after a long day.
12:56I need something now from my stylish yet functional minibar.
13:03HE SIGHS
13:10Why don't you get into bed?
13:12Hi, Tom.
13:15Oh, shit.
13:17Hi, Tom.
13:22Oh, my God.
13:23The minibar talks.
13:25Yeah, it's got the internet.
13:27Look at my cool sunglasses.
13:29Oh, they're quite stylish.
13:30I'm very stylish.
13:32Tom, I'm walking...
13:34LAUGHTER
13:38Have a drink. Have a drink?
13:40Maybe the white one.
13:41Oh, the white drink was spilled earlier.
13:43Don't cry over spilled milk.
13:45OK.
13:46It tells jokes as well.
13:48Oh, great.
13:50When the moon hits your eyes
13:53like a big pizza pie,
13:55that's amore.
13:58Oh, like a bite of me
14:02in the functional and stylish bed.
14:07Mmm.
14:08Well...
14:09Delicious.
14:10We can add anything you want to it.
14:13Can it love?
14:15I think I'm good to get out of bed right now, if I'm honest.
14:18Oh, then I'll play the alarm.
14:20Wake up, Tom. Wake up.
14:22It's time to get up, Tom. Out of bed.
14:26Is this... This is love?
14:28Yeah.
14:29OK.
14:30Mm-hmm.
14:31Right. Thanks. Yep.
14:33Oh.
14:34That's detachable.
14:35OK.
14:37I did it. Ha-ha!
14:40Thanks, Rhys.
14:41Thanks, Tom.
14:42OK, thank you.
14:44Oh, my God, we should do...
14:45I mean, we shouldn't, but, like...
14:48That's, you know...
14:49Doesn't have much to do with the task.
14:51No.
14:55So we had a plastic tablecloth, a rotting ladder
14:58and a white sheet with a hole in it.
15:01The lamps are looking pretty good.
15:03We're back, we're back. We're back, baby.
15:05You look like the underside of a massage table, Rhys.
15:08That is the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
15:11I must say, you did look stylish.
15:14In fact, I feel like you're the only one who put in any effort at all,
15:17and by effort, I mean you put on some cool sunnies.
15:19Going from one end of the style spectrum to the other, Aaron...
15:24..tell me what was stylish about your presentation.
15:27It's, um, rustic.
15:29Yeah.
15:30And...
15:33And I could go on.
15:38Now, Conchetta, is there any part of your personality
15:41that's not Italian?
15:44Keeps being brought up.
15:45Yeah, I just went with my roots and my genes.
15:48Well, I think one of the flaws of your presentation
15:50is also one of your flaws as a person.
15:55You were a bit too giggly.
15:58And as a table, that's a disadvantage.
16:01I know, it's a horrible flaw.
16:03OK, so we're looking for functional and stylish.
16:06That's it. Well, that's very easy.
16:08Aaron's on one, because he was neither functional or stylish.
16:11I'm going to have to give Pete two.
16:13He wasn't stylish because he was dressed like he always is...
16:16..with a lampshade on his head.
16:18Well, out of the two lamps, I think Mel was more stylish, slightly.
16:21I'm going to have to say I quite liked Conchetta's table.
16:24Four points.
16:25But the most stylish definitely was the upside-down massage table,
16:28which was Rhys Nicholson with five!
16:30CHEERING
16:33What?!
16:34All right, my pink lanyard calculator, do some maths.
16:38Who's winning?
16:39Well, if it was a competition for losing,
16:41Mel and Pete would be winning on five each,
16:44and Conchetta would be losing disgracefully with eight points.
16:47See, you're winning. Oh!
16:51OK, just proceed as per the format of the show, Lesser Tom.
16:55The next one sees me and the contestants go toe-to-toe.
16:58MUSIC PLAYS
17:10It'd be much easier if you moved the caravan closer to the house,
17:13by the way.
17:14That's fine, I'll walk.
17:19Hi, Rhys.
17:20Hello.
17:21Woo!
17:22Football, the beautiful game.
17:24You want to play?
17:25Yeah, I love this game.
17:27Oh.
17:30I guess I won.
17:31Time for the task. Let's have a look.
17:34Create an original two-player sport and play against Tom.
17:39You and Tom must play your sport for five minutes maximum.
17:43Most original sport wins.
17:45However, if Tom beats you, you will lose two points.
17:50You have 20 minutes to plan your game.
17:54You have 20 minutes to plan your sport.
17:57Time starts now.
17:58OK, boom, he's pressed it.
18:00Sport.
18:01What even is sport?
18:03You're not going to win the game.
18:05You don't even know what the game is?
18:07You're not going to win, mate.
18:12OK, five comedians trying to do sport.
18:15I wonder how this is going to go.
18:17Which athlete are we going to see first?
18:19They ask the question, what even is sport?
18:21I think I want to call the sport touch ball.
18:25That's the ball.
18:26That's the ball.
18:27You've got to touch it with this.
18:29OK.
18:30Touch ball.
18:31Welcome, everyone, to the first annual touch ball tournament.
18:39Rules are simple.
18:40The ball-wanter will be blindfolded for 90 seconds.
18:45The ball-toucher has to keep the ball safe
18:48and untouched by the ball-wanter for five minutes.
18:52So I reckon we begin.
18:54And go.
19:19HE LAUGHS
19:22John.
19:2823.
19:2922.
19:30Oh, my God, he's going to do it.
19:33No!
19:34No!
19:37No!
19:41No!
19:46Congratulations.
19:49You're the new ball-toucher.
19:51I'm the ball-toucher.
19:53It feels good.
19:54I feel terrible.
20:02So, listen, Tom, you won.
20:04You know what would be written on my business card now?
20:06Victorious.
20:08Or ball-toucher.
20:10Ball-toucher.
20:11Yeah.
20:12Well, first up, I've just got to say, Rhys,
20:15how did you get through all of that with no double entendre?
20:18That was a very disciplined effort from you.
20:20It was hard.
20:22Um...
20:23There we go.
20:24Back on track.
20:25Uh, something-something gate.
20:27Which sporting pioneer are we going to see next?
20:30It's semi-professional spectator Peter Hellyer.
20:33Drop bears are famous in Australia,
20:35but what about the reverse?
20:36Throwing bears up.
20:37Reverse drop bear.
20:38Reverse drop bear.
20:39All right, let's do it.
20:41Welcome to everyone watching around the world to Reverse Drop Bear.
20:45Here with Tom Cashman.
20:46You must be looking forward to this one again.
20:48I was not familiar with this game until quite recently.
20:50You and your jokes.
20:51Of course, the rules are you need to use this paddle
20:54to hit a koala back up a tree.
20:57You get three attempts.
20:58Of course, you know this.
20:59I'll go first.
21:00OK.
21:03Oh, it came down.
21:04Bloody hell.
21:05I'm going to go higher, I think.
21:07OK.
21:08Oh, bloody...
21:09Have you played before, or...?
21:10Yeah, yeah, I have.
21:12Oh, no, no.
21:14Here we go.
21:15OK.
21:16The door's open, wide open.
21:17This is embarrassing for me.
21:18Oh, I'm not...
21:19OK.
21:23That was a good technique, actually.
21:25It's a fun game, though, isn't it?
21:26Look at the smile on your face.
21:27You're loving it.
21:29You are...
21:30He loves it.
21:32What a fun game!
21:34It's a fun game.
21:37It's a fun game, I told you.
21:40Oh, it's a big one!
21:44You just won Reverse Drop Bear!
21:46Woo-hoo!
21:47Look, he loves it, too.
21:49Thanks, Pete.
21:51Fun game.
21:55Hang on, are you turning into a winner?
21:58Because as far as I can see, that's two from two.
22:00Mm-hm.
22:01Or is it?
22:02Are you sure, Pete?
22:03Like, you're the inventor of Reverse Drop Bear,
22:05and I feel like you said,
22:07hit the bear into the tree.
22:09Yeah.
22:10And I don't think you hit it.
22:11I think it was more of a catapult action.
22:13Absolutely.
22:14And this has been a massive controversy.
22:17I mean, I think probably later on the points went back to me
22:20because that was illegal.
22:22Are you sure, though?
22:23Because I feel like I should defer to you,
22:25and I do remember you in the clip saying very clearly,
22:27you won.
22:31But Tom...
22:32You did.
22:33You said congratulations.
22:34Yeah.
22:35Please, we are out in the field.
22:37You are in a studio.
22:38It is tough out there.
22:40I am creating the sport.
22:42Yep.
22:43I am commentating.
22:44Yep.
22:45And I'm obviously not officiating as well as I should have been.
22:47When you were commentating, you said,
22:49great technique.
22:52Yeah, you did.
22:53Well, I didn't think you were going to show that bit, did I?
22:57All right.
22:58Sport me, sport.
22:59This next contestant said he'd win before the game even existed.
23:02It's only fair when it does.
23:03It's Aaron Chen.
23:04This is a sport that asks the questions,
23:07what if penalty shoot-outs were in three different sports?
23:11Mm.
23:12Table tennis, basketball and yoga.
23:16Best of three.
23:17During play, you can only stand in your cardboarded area.
23:21First serve, it's going to hit the shell.
23:23It's a two-fault rule.
23:24OK.
23:25Skateboard toss to decide who serves.
23:28Ah, wheels up.
23:30Wheels down, unfortunately.
23:32OK.
23:35Yeah, so I serve again.
23:36Oh.
23:37I'm serving for the game.
23:38The coin toss was to determine who serves.
23:41For the whole game.
23:42For the game, yeah.
23:45So that's 1-0.
23:46So this is your sport, basketball.
23:49Oh, that's a fault.
23:53Oh.
24:00That's your point.
24:01So it comes down to the final round.
24:03And now I'm regretting serving on this one.
24:05Mm.
24:06It's quite difficult.
24:11See, that's...
24:12Sike!
24:14So it's a reset.
24:16Oh, that's a fault.
24:17Fault, fault.
24:19Oh, my gosh.
24:20That's a double fault.
24:22Is that the end of the game?
24:23Yeah.
24:24Well played.
24:25How do you think you went?
24:26Not good.
24:27What's the name of this sport we've just played?
24:29Table tennis, basketball and yoga, but much more original.
24:37So is that three from three?
24:39My God.
24:40So, Aaron, can you please explain the rules
24:43to table tennis, basketball and yoga, but much more original?
24:49So the first rule is that it states
24:52that it's the most original sport ever created.
24:56And that's in the lore of the game.
25:00And the second rule is that if you win the game,
25:03you actually lose.
25:07Really?
25:08Yeah.
25:09Alright, now it's time for another completely original sport
25:12involving you versus consumerism.
25:15Just try to resist.
25:27Welcome back to Classmaster,
25:29where our comedians are competing
25:31for the eternal drapery of Pete's Nana's ashes.
25:35Lesser Tom, what are we doing?
25:37Our contestants are trying to create the most original sport.
25:40They are deducted two points if I beat them at said sport.
25:44So far, I am three from three.
25:46Who's next?
25:47We've just found out she's Italian.
25:48It's Concetta Caristo.
25:50Hello and welcome to Phone Slap,
25:54the newest sport craze that's driving the kids wild.
25:58All you need is two top hats,
26:00two old rotary phones and three balls of wool.
26:06How do you play the game, you ask?
26:08Well, you grab your phone
26:10and you must hit the yarns of wool into the top hat
26:14as much as you can.
26:16If you get it in, you must say...
26:19Hats off to you.
26:20The opponent, if they can throw their yarn of wool into the bath,
26:27points and no points.
26:29And then I get the point.
26:32And then that goes just until someone gets one point.
26:36Oh, one time only kind of deal.
26:38Off we go. Rats!
26:42Oh!
26:47That's it!
26:49What?!
26:51Hats off to you.
26:52I beat you! I beat you!
26:54Mine went in before you said that.
26:56Hats off to you.
26:58Congratulations to you.
27:05You didn't win, Lester Tom.
27:07I did not win.
27:08I forgot that I had to say hats off to you
27:10and frankly, I panicked.
27:13What a game.
27:14Yeah.
27:15Talk us through the character choice.
27:17I'm not sure it added to the game.
27:19Well, I think England, they're a crazy bunch,
27:22but they are known for their fancy sports.
27:25Croquet, cricket, horse.
27:28Horse stuff.
27:30They've got that great sport, horse.
27:33Final quarter time.
27:34Who's our would-be buzzer beater, Tom?
27:36She's been a great sport.
27:38If the aim of that sport is to be a bit mean to me,
27:41it's Belle Bottle.
27:43Welcome to the fantastic sport of...
27:46rowing whilst flowing.
27:48Yay!
27:49This is a freestyle rap rowing contest.
27:54You must be flowing whilst you're rowing.
27:56If your flow stops, your row stops.
27:58Your job is to row whilst flowing around the lily pads
28:02and cross the finish line here, which is the end of the lily pads.
28:05You'll be given a one-word prompt to start your freestyle rap.
28:09You'll be going first because you're my guest.
28:12Tom, your randomly generated word is cemetery.
28:17I'm rocking in a cemetery.
28:19I'm not being sedentary.
28:22I'm rowing in a boat.
28:24This is bigger than a moat, it's a lagoon.
28:28Excuse me, you have stopped flowing, but you're still rowing.
28:31I don't know the direction.
28:33I don't have an erection, I'm...
28:35Thank God.
28:36But neither my...
28:37How is this so bad?
28:39I don't understand.
28:41I'm now going the wrong way once again.
28:44Stop it!
28:47And time is up.
28:49How do you think you went?
28:51That is probably the worst performance of anything I've ever done.
28:54I suspect you'll do better.
28:56Let's see if she can do it.
28:57OK.
28:58The former state champion rower.
29:02OK.
29:03Your randomly generated word is grimace.
29:05Grimace.
29:06Ariane Titmus, she's a swimmer from Australia.
29:09She's the best.
29:10And I'm the rest.
29:11The ducks on the lake, I think they are fake.
29:14I'm stuck in the weeds, I'm getting no leads.
29:16But I'm rowing while I'm flowing.
29:18Yes, I'm rowing while I'm flowing.
29:19That is the chorus.
29:20Please don't bore us.
29:22I'm rowing while I'm flowing.
29:23Just doing my runs on the lily pads.
29:25Geez, I'm not bad.
29:27Someone went to a school where this was a sport.
29:29And I can freestyle a cappella off my dome.
29:32Holidays, where am I going?
29:34All the way to Roman Greece.
29:35But it looks like nice.
29:36It looks like nice.
29:37You better think twice.
29:38Because you're going to lose this sport that I've created.
29:41Is that a victory?
29:43Looks like it.
29:49So, Mel, I feel like we're going to be seeing you
29:51rapping a lot across the series.
29:53Yo, bro, because it's hard to say.
29:55Because I just don't know, but Rhys is gay.
29:57And I'm high.
30:01Were you wearing life jackets for safety?
30:02Or was that to cover your mum's spaghetti?
30:05Oh!
30:06I love that you are aware of a culture that I sometimes relate to.
30:11Some would argue appropriate.
30:13No, hip-hop is a mind state.
30:15It's not an area code.
30:16I've famously always said that.
30:19Alright, well, I think we've got to do some scores, yeah?
30:21Well, I feel like a good way of trying to work my way through this
30:24is if I understood the sport really well,
30:27it's probably not that original.
30:29Whereas if I had no idea what was going on,
30:31it's because it was so new and artistic,
30:33it must be highly original.
30:35So, from the top to bottom, I think Conchita gets five,
30:38because I had no idea what was going on.
30:42Aaron gets four.
30:46Combining rowing and flowing, that was very original.
30:48So, three points to Mel.
30:49Thanks.
30:50I really enjoyed Reverse Drop Bear, but it's just a bureaucracy.
30:52The people that run it, they're the ones that shit me.
30:55What started off as a really sad week for our family
30:57is getting worse.
31:01Well, it's two points.
31:02Last of all, I've got Rhys on one point,
31:04because I knew exactly what was going on with your game.
31:06Those are not the final scores, though,
31:08because the two points needs to be deducted from the sports
31:11where I was victorious.
31:12What?!
31:13Conchita will still take home five points,
31:15and we have Mel with three points, Aaron with two,
31:17Pete with zero, and Rhys minus one.
31:24Alright, do we have time for another task?
31:26Of course.
31:27Imagine if we didn't.
31:28We would have really messed things up.
31:29Fortunately, we've kept it together.
31:32Yeah.
31:48Hey, Tom.
31:49Hi, Pete.
31:51Hi, Rhys.
31:52Hi, Tom.
31:53Hey, Conchita.
31:54What's going on?
31:55Not much, we were just about to do a task.
31:57Plain room, no theme.
31:59Just a simple card.
32:01Yep, simple card for a simple task.
32:03Want me to read this?
32:05Try not to do it one-handed from now on.
32:07Okay.
32:09Rip the task card into as many pieces as possible.
32:12Most pieces win.
32:13You have two minutes.
32:14Your time starts now.
32:28Alright, this task sounds like one of those tasks
32:30that's too simple to be true.
32:31Should we get straight into it?
32:32I think we should.
32:33You little ripper and you little ripper.
32:36I've just pointed at Aaron and Rhys.
32:40You like that?
32:41You like this?
32:43Yeah, you like this.
32:45Are you going to maintain eye contact with me the whole time?
32:54This is the most eye contact I've ever made with someone, I reckon.
32:57Don't lose any pieces, okay?
32:58And I've been with my partner for 12 years.
33:00Lay it out, rip through.
33:03That's it.
33:13Oh, f***.
33:15I refuse to play the next task.
33:17I've got to piece it back together, don't I?
33:19Okay.
33:26Is this one scored?
33:28Or is it more about sticking it back together?
33:30All the information you need is in the task.
33:32Complete the task written on the back of the previous task card.
33:41Fastest wins.
33:42Your time started when you entered the lab.
33:45You can't, you...
33:50Get rid of the pieces that have nothing.
33:53I can see insult Tom.
33:55I was arrogant coming in.
33:57You think?
33:58Yeah, I was doing that one hand opening the card thing.
34:00I don't know what to do.
34:02You made quite a lot of eye contact with me.
34:04Not a lot of eye contact with the card.
34:06Yeah, you've pissed me off lately.
34:07So is it insult you the most?
34:10Insult the taskmaster.
34:12The taskmaster's stupid.
34:15Insult Tom.
34:16Something-est wins.
34:18You didn't blow your whistle.
34:19I'm just going to insult you a lot and then leave.
34:22Oh.
34:23Insult you must.
34:25This is probably the best work opportunity you're going to get.
34:30Is that an insult?
34:32It will be in about ten years, yeah.
34:34Insult the...
34:35So it becomes an insult in ten years?
34:37Yeah, I reckon.
34:40When I started doing the little tiny rips,
34:42you had this micro expression that was like,
34:45with your dumb little face.
34:47It's another one to add to the insult.
34:49Yeah.
34:50Thanks, Rhys.
34:51Thanks, Tom.
34:52Insult your stupid.
34:57Why didn't I just insult you after the taskmaster?
35:03I hate you.
35:06Thanks very much.
35:10Thanks, Aaron.
35:11Bye.
35:16So what did you say about me, Aaron?
35:19Hey, I like you, man.
35:23Because you can say it now to my face.
35:25I...
35:28All right, so Aaron took a while to do it.
35:30He was insulting me for a bit too long.
35:33And ironically, he said I was stupid.
35:36OK.
35:37Aaron took eight minutes and 20 seconds to insult me.
35:40Oh, OK.
35:41So what about Rhys, then?
35:42Rhys took six minutes and 55 seconds to insult me.
35:46Go, Rhys.
35:48Like, I think that was genuinely a rare day
35:50that I didn't start the task by insulting you, ironically.
35:53Look at his dumb little face now.
35:55He's like, it was the best day of my life!
35:58All right, we're tearing this task right down the middle
36:01with the blunt scissors of the TV world ads.
36:04More insulting of this no-hoper next to me soon.
36:13APPLAUSE
36:17Welcome back to Taskmaster Australia,
36:19where five professional comedians are competing for the ownership
36:23of one of this country's most endangered species,
36:26a middle-aged white man.
36:28Fill us in, Lesser Tom.
36:29Our contestants are tearing up a task card
36:31into as many pieces as possible, but it's just a distraction.
36:33Their real task is to do something
36:35that they would never do in real life, insult me.
36:38Before the next contestant, I just want to say
36:40that sticks and stones may break my bones,
36:42so please no-one throw any sticks or stones at me.
36:45Here's Mel Buttle.
36:47Have other people ever got more than nine, do you reckon?
36:50Are you aiming for more than nine?
36:52Yes.
36:56Don't forget there's these ones on the floor.
37:00I knew it, I knew it.
37:04OK.
37:05Complete the task written on the back of the previous task card.
37:09Fastest wins.
37:11I might have to just guess what the task is, Tom,
37:14cos I am unable to see what it is.
37:16I'm going to guess that it is...
37:19..make you feel good about yourself.
37:21Although you are single and live alone...
37:23Oh. ..there's still hope.
37:25Oh.
37:26I like that you don't brush that front bit of hair.
37:29The ears do not need to be pinned back.
37:31Whoever said that, wrong.
37:34Regardless of what your ex said,
37:36I would refer her to the legal average penis size.
37:40I think being pescetarian is a super good choice.
37:44The post with your sister on your recent trip.
37:47Yeah.
37:48Normal!
37:49The fact that you drive a Peugeot is endearing.
37:57When I'm thinking about your time on the project,
38:00I think it was fine. Right.
38:02Eye contact, you don't get a lot of it.
38:04I know why. Oh.
38:05I read an article.
38:06What did it say?
38:07You know what? Hmm.
38:08Why don't you use those big glassy eyes... Hmm.
38:11..that look like there's a shark behind them
38:14and you read the article yourself with your eyes?
38:17WHISTLE BLOWS
38:18Thank you, Tom!
38:22Mel, did you even realise you'd completed the task?
38:25Nope!
38:26You had no idea what had happened?
38:28No, none at all.
38:29There were 21 tasks where Mel,
38:31within the first five seconds of entering, insulted me.
38:34She called me bin juice 13 separate times
38:37and maggot seven times.
38:40But this was an occasion where she did not insult me.
38:43For some reason, you just held back.
38:45Sometimes I felt it's bullying.
38:49Like, look at him.
38:50What's he got to live for?
38:53I felt that when you said you thought the task
38:55was about making him feel good about himself...
38:57Yes.
38:58..it sounded to me like you're being sarcastic.
39:00What?!
39:01Weren't they all insults?
39:03No.
39:04What, you just took them all on face value?
39:06Yeah, the words, as stated, were compliments.
39:08I felt like there was a tone there.
39:11Didn't get that.
39:14Mel took 17 minutes and 28 seconds to insult me.
39:19You're dead meat, mate.
39:21Alright, let's see someone else fall for your little trick, Tom.
39:25He's old enough to remember Natalie Imbruglia before Torn,
39:28so he's not all out of faith.
39:30It's Peter Hellyer.
39:33Do you want to help me?
39:34Do you want to test them out?
39:36Tiny ones.
39:39It's fun, isn't it?
39:40A little bonding exercise.
39:41Yeah.
39:42You can get them even smaller.
39:43OK, if you say so.
39:45There's many pieces, yeah?
39:46There's many pieces.
39:48I can't go back and read it.
39:49Who knows now, yeah?
39:50I haven't got time to put it all back together.
39:52Impossible to read now.
39:53Yeah.
39:56Hands off.
39:59LAUGHTER
40:05I think I know what this is.
40:08And in advance, f*** you.
40:15You've completed your task.
40:16Oh.
40:17Thanks, Pete.
40:21There's something on the back.
40:22Did I read it?
40:23And you've done it.
40:24Thanks, Pete.
40:25I did it?
40:26Yep.
40:28I believe you.
40:32I'm not sure if I regret saying f*** you, Tom.
40:34So I may take that back in the future.
40:38We'll leave it hanging in there for now.
40:40OK.
40:41But I may take it back.
40:43The task is complete.
40:44Thanks, Pete.
40:50So now that we're back in the studio, would you like to take it back?
40:53No, Tom, I would not.
40:55So on the day, did you, like Mel, have no idea how you'd finished?
40:59I'm finding everything out now.
41:01I literally had no idea.
41:03Pete took three minutes and five seconds to insult me.
41:08So who's left, Tom?
41:09She wouldn't insult a fly.
41:10I think she's obsessed with flies.
41:12It's Conchetta Caristo.
41:14Hi, Tom.
41:15Hey, Conchetta.
41:16Phew.
41:22F*** you suck.
41:23Ugly.
41:27Thanks, Conchetta.
41:32And that was very impressive.
41:33Unlike everyone else, I don't like to insult Tom.
41:36I like Tom.
41:39Do you want to say it back?
41:43I like you too.
41:46Oh, you did say to him, f*** you suck ugly.
41:50Which, just to be clear to the kids at home,
41:52you're not supposed to say unless it's in a professional setting
41:55and you're saying it to a colleague.
41:57It's Conchetta's time to insult me.
41:5914 seconds.
42:04So that means we have Mel in fifth place, Aaron in fourth,
42:07Rhys in third, Pete got second place,
42:09but Conchetta wins the task with five points.
42:13Alright.
42:15It's time for a break.
42:17Come back to see how these comedians go in a live task
42:20without all that camera trickery to make them look competent.
42:23See you after this.
42:36Welcome back to the television show Taskmaster,
42:39a show that has a make-a-wish element to it
42:42in the form of allowing this little human hamster next to me
42:46to have a crack at something that outside the show
42:49he never gets to do.
42:51Score.
42:55So have a go.
42:56Who's leading this episode, Lesser Tom?
42:58Well, Rhys is currently the little toe with eight points.
43:01And with an amazing 18 points, Conchetta is the big toe!
43:07Alright.
43:08Everything's still to play for unless by everything
43:10you mean winning this episode.
43:11Sorry, Rhys.
43:13Let's head upstairs for a live task.
43:19So what's going on here, Tom?
43:21I'll let Rhys explain.
43:23Play in the first annual touch ball tournament.
43:32Oh, my God.
43:34Each contestant will get to play both as ball toucher
43:38and as ball wanter.
43:40As per international touch ball rules,
43:43on Tom's first whistle, the ball toucher will have 15 seconds
43:47to place the ball within the touch ball arena.
43:51On Tom's second whistle, the ball wanter must try to touch
43:55the ball with their fake leg as fast as possible.
43:59Who thought of these rules?
44:01The ball toucher may not touch the ball
44:04or the ball wanter after placing the ball.
44:07The ball wanter will be blindfolded throughout.
44:11Best touch ball player wins.
44:14Tom will now announce the first randomly selected
44:18touch ball pairing.
44:20So Aaron will be the first ball toucher and, Rhys,
44:23you will get your opportunity to be a ball wanter.
44:28Rhys, can you please put your blindfold on?
44:37LAUGHTER
44:40WHISTLE BLOWS
44:45Round two, Kinsheta will be the ball toucher
44:48and Pete will be the ball wanter.
44:50WHISTLE BLOWS
44:52I'm in your freaking mind!
44:55You don't even know what to ride and what to left.
44:58You're a freak!
45:04LAUGHTER
45:06Did I get it?
45:10Did you pop the ball?
45:12WHISTLE BLOWS
45:14Next up, we have Mel as the ball toucher
45:16and Kinsheta as the ball wanter.
45:18WHISTLE BLOWS
45:23WHISTLE BLOWS
45:25I had this really good two-card podcast the other day
45:27about a girl who was blindfolded in an arena
45:29and she had to try and touch a ball.
45:31If she touched the ball, guess what would happen?
45:34Next up, we have Pete as the ball toucher
45:37and Aaron as the ball wanter.
45:39WHISTLE BLOWS
45:41LAUGHTER
45:44WHISTLE BLOWS
45:48LAUGHTER
45:50LAUGHTER
46:03Oh, my God!
46:09WHISTLE BLOWS
46:11The final round, we have Rhys as the ball toucher
46:14and Mel as the ball wanter.
46:16WHISTLE BLOWS
46:20LAUGHTER
46:22WHISTLE BLOWS
46:24LAUGHTER
46:30LAUGHTER
46:37CHEERING
46:39Yay!
46:41APPLAUSE
46:45All right, we're going to see who the winner is,
46:47but we know the real winner is capitalism,
46:49so let them have their win with another ad break.
46:51CHEERING
46:59CHEERING
47:02Welcome back to Taskmaster Australia.
47:05If you've just joined us, you've missed an adorable story
47:08about Aaron's dad painting his wife's shit dog.
47:11LAUGHTER
47:13Lesser Tom, scores for that live task, please.
47:15Well, the best wanter was Conchetta
47:17with a new world record, 10.44 seconds touching.
47:21CHEERING
47:23Best ball toucher was Rhys
47:25with their very controversial effort to keep it away from Mel
47:28for 41 seconds.
47:31So, if you look at the aggregated ball touch to want score ratio,
47:34we have Mel in last, then Aaron, then Pete in the middle,
47:37runner-up Conchetta, and the winner
47:39of the first annual touch ball tournament,
47:41the founder and creator of the Touch Ball World Association,
47:44it's Rhys Neffles-Boo!
47:46CHEERING
47:51And remember, always touch balls responsibly.
47:55Alright, more importantly, who's winning this episode
47:58and going to be heading home to touch
48:00our straight white handyman's balls?
48:03So we have Mel on 10, Aaron on 12, Rhys on a lucky 13,
48:07then Pete on a lovely 14,
48:09but Conchetta is the episode's winner with 22 points!
48:12CHEERING
48:14Congratulations, Conchetta!
48:16Get up there and take that band!
48:19CHEERING
48:21Right, Conchetta, you just stay up there
48:23and listen to that background extra posing as a hardware store owner's
48:27spiel about how climate change is a hoax.
48:30Whilst we get an update on our overall season scoreboard.
48:34The leader in the series by 10 total points
48:37is Conchetta with 54 points.
48:39CHEERING
48:41OK, that's it.
48:43Another episode of Taskmaster In The Bag.
48:46But what did we learn?
48:48We learned that if you chuck a lampshade on Peter Hellier,
48:51it's still just a Peter Hellier.
48:53And we learned to always read the back of whatever
48:56you're about to rip up.
48:58Unless they're part of Tom Cashman's business card collection.
49:02But most importantly, we learned that Conchetta
49:05is the winner of episode three!
49:07See you next week!
49:09CHEERING
49:24One, two!
49:26One, two, three, go!
49:28LAUGHTER
49:30This is a disaster, Tom.
49:32Are you prepared to get moist?
49:34What about me?
49:36Tom and Conchetta.
49:39Ta-da!
49:41Pretty good.