Please don't fight your spouse after this khutbah - Khutbah by Nouman Ali Khan
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00:00Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah Khaliq al-wujud min al-adam, wa ja'il al-nur min al-dhulam,
00:15wa mukhrij al-sabri min al-alam, fa mulqi al-taubati ala al-nadam, fa nashkuruhu ala al-masa'ibi
00:20kama nashkuruhu ala al-ni'am, wa nusalli ala rasulihi al-akram zisharaf al-asham wa al-nur
00:27al-kitab al-muhkam wa kamal al-nabiyyin wa al-khatam sayyidi waladi adam, al-lazi bashara
00:32bihi isa ibn mariam, wa da'a li bi'tatihi ibrahimu alayhi salam, hina kana yarfa'u
00:37qawa'ida baitillahi al-muharram, fa sallallahu alayhi wasallam wa ala atba'ihi khayri al-umam
00:43al-lazina baraka allahu bihim kafata al-nasi al-araba minhum wa al-ajam, fa alhamdulillah
00:49al-lazi lam yattakhith waladan, wa lam yakun lahu sharikun fil mulk, wa lam yakun lahu
00:52waliyun min al-dhulli, wa kabirun takbeera, wa alhamdulillah al-lazi anzala ala abdihi
00:58al-kitaba, wa lam yaj'al lahu iwaja, wa alhamdulillah al-lazi nahmaduhu, wa nastaeenuhu, wa nastaghfiruhu,
01:05wa nu'minu bihi, wa natawakkalu alayhi, wa na'udhu billahi min shururi anfusina, wa
01:09min sayyi'ati a'malina, man yahdihi allahu fa la mudhilla lah, wa man yudhlilhi fa la
01:14hadiya lah, wa nashahdu an la ilaha illallah, wahdahu la sharika lah, wa nashahdu anna muhammadan
01:19min abdullahi warasuluh, arsalahu allahu ta'ala bil huda, wa dinil haq, li yudhhirahu ala
01:25al-din kullihi, wa kafa billahi shahida, fa sallallahu alayhi wa sallama tasliman kathiran
01:30kathira amma ba'd, fa inna asdaqal hadithi kitabullah, wa khairal hadyi hadyi muhammadin
01:36sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, wa inna sharra al-umuri muhdathatuha, wa inna kulla muhdathatin
01:41bid'ah, wa kulla bid'atin dhalalah, wa kulla dhalalatin finnaar, qala allahu azzawajal
01:46fi kitabihil kareem ba'da ana qula a'udhu billahi minash shaytanil rajim, arrijalu qawamuna
01:52ala nisa'i bima fadhalallahu ba'dahum ala ba'd, wa bima anfaqu min amwalihim, fa salihatu
01:58qanitatun hafidatun lilghaybi bima hafidallah, ila akhiril ayah, rabbi shrahli sadri wa yassirli
02:04amri, wahlul oqtatan min lisani yafqahu qawli, wallahumma thabbitnaa inda almawti bil la
02:08ilaha illallah, wallahumma ja'alnaa mina allatheena amanu wa amilu salihat, wa tawasaw bil haqqi
02:12wa tawasaw bil sabr, amin ya rabbal alameen. Allah azzawajal when he sent human beings
02:18on the earth, and sent both of our parents to the earth, he said something remarkable
02:23because the devil was being sent down at the same time, and he said, ihbitoo ba'dukum li
02:28ba'din adoo, all of you descend, you are going to be enemies to each other. Which means the
02:33devil is going to be the enemy to men and women, and he's going to make sure that men
02:37become enemies to women, and women become enemies to men, and men to each other, and
02:40women to each other. So the idea is that he will try to create as much animosity as
02:45possible. Inna shaytaan yanzaa baynakum, the shaytaan is going to cause tension between
02:50you, cause friction between you. And since the beginning of humanity until today, human
02:55beings are suffering in their personal lives, in community, in countries, and in international
03:00politics with conflict. There are all kinds of conflicts that human beings are engaged
03:04in every single day. Some of our conflicts are economic, for example an employee fighting
03:08with an employer. The boss says you need to work more and get paid less, and the employee
03:12says no I want to work less and get paid more. The boss says less time off, the employee
03:17says I want more time off. The government tells people we want more taxes, and people
03:22say we want to pay less taxes. The government says we want to provide less services, people
03:26say less taxes and more services. There's a tension between people and government, and
03:30employers and employees. There's a tension between men and women, in marriage and in
03:35social contracts and everything else. The rights between men and women. And in all of
03:39these conflicts, every side believes that they're right. And for example, if there's
03:45a divorce case, or there's a conflict between two family members and they go to a divorce
03:50court judge, if the judge is a man and the judge is a woman, it's going to make a difference.
03:55Isn't it? Because they can't help but be who they are, and if the judge himself or
03:59herself went through a divorce just two months ago, then when the female judge sees the
04:04guy, she's not going to see a man, she's going to see her ex-husband and she's going
04:07to let it out. And you won't even know, because human beings can't help themselves but be
04:12biased. The same thing with a man. He'll have a bias against a woman and he may not even
04:15be conscious of it. The thing though is that Allah عز و جل gave us guidance, and
04:20He gave us guidance because He loves men and He loves women equally. He's concerned with
04:25the employer and the employee equally. He's the only one that truly can be a neutral party.
04:30Nobody else can be neutral. Men can't be neutral. Women can't be neutral. Parents
04:35can't be neutral. Children can't be neutral. Children will say that parents have taken
04:38their rights. Parents will say that children have taken their rights. Everybody is going
04:42to look at things from their own point of view. And what's interesting is our greed
04:46can be so, and our need to just get our rights and what we deserve. It's so obsessive that
04:53even when we come to our religion, what we do often is that we study the things that
04:58will benefit us. So parents will look up all the places in the Qur'an that talk about
05:02parents' rights so they can quote it to their kids and say, Allah says,
05:06وَبِالْوَالِدِينِ يَحْسَنَةًۭ Allah says,
05:08Be the best you can be to your parents. Everybody wants to talk about their rights. Nobody wants
05:11to talk about their responsibilities. And then on the flip side, husbands will quote
05:15hadith and ayat at their wives. And the wives will quote, oh you're no sahabi yourself.
05:21And then they'll quote stuff at their husbands. So everybody wants to take a part of Islam
05:25they can use as a weapon to slap somebody else with instead of taking responsibility themselves.
05:31The thing is when we say, وَكَلِمَةُ اللَّهِ هِيَ الْعُلِيَةِ
05:34That the word of Allah is in the supreme place. It's in the highest place.
05:38Then I have to put my needs and my wants and my bias and my feelings on the side
05:44and put Allah's word above that. And if I'm not able to do that then I don't understand
05:49the place of Allah's word. Because my own bias and my own feelings are actually
05:53superior to Allah's own words. So today it's a difficult subject.
05:57And I know by the time I end this khutbah some people will be very upset.
06:01And that's okay. Because I'm not saying that the values that I'm trying to share with you today
06:07I live up to or I'm an example of them. We're all struggling to try to live up to the word of Allah.
06:13So that's my first acknowledgement. That I'm not trying to portray myself as some sort of standard bearer.
06:18But the word of Allah is a mirror. We all have to look at ourselves against that mirror.
06:23And we have to see where we stand. And sometimes it's a difficult thing to look in the mirror.
06:28And to face something that you don't want to look at. So I pray that the intention of this khutbah
06:34is accepted for the good that it's meant for. And that is that you and I learn to look at ourselves
06:38not somebody else. A lot of times when I give a khutbah like this one people are like
06:42Hey I wish my wife was here listening to this. Or I wish my husband was here listening to this.
06:47Well no, no, no. How about you listen? How about I worry about somebody else who needs to listen?
06:51Because in our head somebody else needed to hear this but we're good already.
06:55And you know we tell ourselves, yeah, yeah, yeah. I do all that. Yeah thanks for the reminder.
07:00But I'm already good. I got a 100% on this. Other people need this advice really badly.
07:05That kind of self-righteousness and that delusion that this doesn't apply to me or this doesn't apply to you.
07:10That's dangerous.
07:13Allah says don't consider yourselves pure. Like you don't need help, you don't need advice
07:18or this advice is already something you're living up to. Don't do that to yourself.
07:22He knows better who's actually conscious of Allah. Not you, not even myself.
07:27I can't even give that score card to myself. That belongs with Allah Himself.
07:32So this ayah is one of the most famous and also the end of this ayah is a big controversy
07:38in Qur'an studies, in sociology circles, etc.
07:41Because this is the famous ayah in which men may be allowed to hit women.
07:45That's the end of this ayah. And I've talked about that concluding part of the ayah in many different lectures.
07:50But actually my khutbah today is not about that portion of the ayah.
07:53It's about the beginning of this ayah.
07:55And in the beginning of this ayah Allah opens the statement by saying
07:58الرجال قوامون على النساء
08:00Men are caretakers over women.
08:06The word قوام has several meanings.
08:09And the first of its meanings قومة الإنسان is حسن طوله أو ثباته
08:14The word قوام means they are a source of stability for women.
08:19That's one of its first meanings.
08:21That men provide stability for women.
08:23Men are a way by which they are protected.
08:26Protected not just physically or financially but also emotionally protected.
08:31So they are a place of security for them.
08:34And then قام يفعل كذا
08:37When somebody is committed to doing something.
08:40Then the verb قام is used.
08:42When they have made up their mind and they are going to do something.
08:44Meaning men are committed to the care of women.
08:47Men are charged with the responsibility to protect and care for women.
08:51Then Allah عز و جل in the use of this word it's remarkable that this word we have to understand that it's sacred.
08:58Because from the same letters ق, و and م
09:01Actually one of the other names of Allah derived from this word is
09:06الله لا إله إلا هو الحي قيوم
09:10And Allah describes himself in the Qur'an as قائما بالقسط
09:16Which is from the same origin.
09:17So Allah has used a word for men that is actually it has some of the attributes that Allah uses for himself.
09:24So we have to understand what that means.
09:26When Allah calls himself القيوم
09:28He is saying he is the one تدبير أمر خلقه
09:32He is the one who plans things out and lays out an entire sequence of events for his creation
09:39وإنشاءهم ورزقهم
09:41And to ensure that they are growing and to ensure that they are provided for.
09:45Meaning when men become قوام
09:47They are doing their very best to have an actual plan for the women in their wing.
09:54In their households.
09:55You know another place in the Qur'an Allah describes married men as محصنين
10:01With a ص
10:02Not with a س
10:03With a ص
10:04محصنين
10:05That is actually the same surah
10:06And that actually means to bring women inside of a fort
10:09Meaning a fort is a symbol of protection isn't it?
10:13And so once you get married she has entered your fort.
10:17She is protected from all sides.
10:19She is protected from everything else.
10:21And a fort is self-sustained.
10:22The food is provided for.
10:23Protection is provided for.
10:25Shelter is provided for.
10:26Everything is taken care of.
10:27And that's the idea of a محصن.
10:29And a woman interestingly enough are described as محصنات
10:33Women that are inside of the forts.
10:35Meaning they don't like to go out of the fort too.
10:37They want to stay within that fort.
10:39And they are described as someone who accepts that role that the husband is playing.
10:43In any case Allah then says
10:45بما فضل الله بعضهم على بعض
10:48And this responsibility of being in charge of the care and the needs and the protection for women
10:56This responsibility comes on account of the fact that Allah decided that some will have preference over others.
11:02Now this is important language.
11:03Allah didn't say بما فضلهم الله عليهن
11:06He said بما فضل الله بعضهم على بعض
11:09Because Allah has given some preference over others.
11:13You know what that means?
11:14That means in some things men have a preference.
11:17Allah has given them an advantage over women.
11:19And in other things Allah has given women an advantage over men.
11:23Men have to take certain responsibilities.
11:26If they are going to be the caretaker or the provider and the protector and all of those responsibilities
11:32That's actually a privilege Allah has handed over to women.
11:35You are not responsible for any of those things.
11:37And so Allah then opens it even further and then talks to the men and says
11:41وبما أنفق من أموالهم
11:43And that's because of what they have to spend from their monies.
11:46Now herein lies the key.
11:48Allah in the Quran did not talk exhaustively about marriage.
11:52Like He didn't describe all the things that make a marriage work.
11:55There are very few places in the Quran where Allah give us some insights.
11:59And basically it's like instead of describing the entire building
12:02He mentioned a few pillars.
12:04If those pillars are not there the building is going to collapse.
12:06And one of those pillars is that the money responsibility is the man's responsibility.
12:12He better go find a job.
12:14He better go get some work.
12:16He better go and provide.
12:17Because that is actually what Allah has made him responsible for.
12:21The word قوام in the beginning is now being explained by the fact
12:25that men are financially responsible for the groceries, for the car, for the fuel,
12:30for the electricity bill, for the school supplies for the kids.
12:34Everything. Everything.
12:37And that starts from the very beginning.
12:38When you get married you take the responsibility of paying a mahr.
12:41A dowry.
12:43And some people they love to have a high number for the dowry for their daughter.
12:47They say it's going to be 100,000 or 50,000 or 250,000 or whatever.
12:51They put this crazy number.
12:53And they're like, no, no, it's okay. You don't have to pay it now.
12:55It's okay.
12:56But mashallah we should have a number that looks good.
12:59And then people are married for 20 years and the guy hasn't paid his dowry.
13:02That's ridiculous.
13:03Because this is a condition of making a marriage valid.
13:06You can't put that off.
13:07You can't just keep kicking the can down the road.
13:09And a husband isn't even allowed to say to his wife,
13:12hey, by the way, can you give me a discount?
13:14I know you put 50. Can we take a few zeros off of that?
13:17Or how about I give it to you, not dollars, can I give it to you in rupees?
13:20Same number.
13:21You know, I'll give you Zimbabwean currency or something.
13:26I'll give you some other currency.
13:28You know, come on, just go easy.
13:30I have a hard life. Look at all the things I'm doing.
13:33If you agreed to it, then you signed on.
13:36If you didn't want to agree to it, then you should have never signed that document.
13:39You're actually not even allowed to hint that you have trouble paying your mahr.
13:45Men aren't even allowed to hint at that.
13:47فَإِنطِبْنَ لَكُمْ عَن نَفْسٍ مِّنْهُ شَيْءً
13:50And after you pay the dowry,
13:52like if you're a monthly payment you're making,
13:54you give her like $500 or something, $100, whatever you give her,
13:57that's part of your dowry that you're paying off.
13:59And you pay her and you're like,
14:01fine, here's your monthly...
14:03You know, this week was really tough.
14:05This month was...
14:06You can't make none of those comments.
14:08And if she takes those $100 from you,
14:10and then she takes out a dollar bill and says,
14:11here, go get yourself some ice cream.
14:13If she does that,
14:15and you say, okay, thanks, you can take that,
14:17if she did it on her own.
14:19But once you're handing that money,
14:20you're not even looking at that money anymore.
14:21It ain't yours.
14:23That's part of being a man,
14:25according to the Quran.
14:27That's part of being...
14:31So you know when...
14:32And the reason I was kind of...
14:33One of the reasons I was pushed to give this lecture
14:37is because lots of people email me all kinds of questions.
14:40And there are many men around the world
14:42whose wives are being told to go get a job and work
14:45while they're sitting at home.
14:47Muslim men.
14:48And they're saying,
14:49you have to obey your husband.
14:50What kind of ridiculous...
14:51What religion is that?
14:53Allah Azzawajal made men responsible financially.
14:56They can't even say,
14:57you have to go and we're having a hard time,
14:59you need to earn this or that.
15:00Look, if there's a desperate situation
15:02and a wife decides to go get a job
15:04and support financially or do on her own,
15:07that's a voluntary thing she's doing
15:09that she cannot be told to do.
15:11And if she does that,
15:12if she does get a job,
15:13if she does have a business,
15:15if her father left behind some stores
15:17or some property in her name,
15:18and you're like,
15:19hey, can we get some of that too?
15:21Because I'm your family.
15:22No, no, no, no, that's her money.
15:23You can't touch it.
15:24Allah made this equation
15:25in which she has a financial advantage.
15:27Meaning, your money is basically hers.
15:30And her money is hers.
15:33And you can't look at it.
15:35You can't keep your eye on it.
15:37You can't say, whatever happened to that?
15:38What happened to that jewelry?
15:39What happened to that?
15:40No, no, no, that's not yours to touch.
15:41That's not yours to touch.
15:42And whatever you gave her,
15:44like you say, hey,
15:45you know, on our 10th anniversary,
15:47I'm gonna give you this car.
15:49Then, you know, once you gave her the car,
15:50it's her car.
15:52You can't even take the keys and say,
15:54I'm going.
15:55No, you gotta get her permission.
15:57And she better give it
15:58on her own good free will.
15:59No pressure,
16:00not even unspoken pressure
16:02that you could touch that car
16:03because you gave it up.
16:04It's done.
16:05It's done.
16:06وَآتُ النِّسَاءَ صَدُقَاتِهِنَّ نِحْلَةً
16:08Give women their gifts
16:10happily and freely.
16:12Don't even think about them again.
16:14Don't even think about them again.
16:16So, this financial sense
16:18that men are supposed to have
16:20is critical.
16:21And Allah mentions that
16:22as one of the first conditions
16:23of what makes a marriage work.
16:25What makes them men.
16:27الرِّجَال قَوَامُونَ عَلَى النِّسَاءِ
16:29بِمَا فَضَّلَ اللَّهُ بَعْضَهُمْ عَلَى بَعْضٍ
16:31وَبِمَا أَنْفَقُوا مِنْ أَمْوَالِهِمْ
16:33When they take that kind of responsibility,
16:35where the wife doesn't have to ask,
16:37hey, we don't have food for groceries,
16:39we don't have money for groceries,
16:40we don't have this,
16:41oh, I gotta give you again.
16:43You know, and for a lot of men,
16:44you know what they do?
16:45They feel that they owe
16:46financial responsibility
16:48or financial help to their brother,
16:50okay, to their sister,
16:52to their mother and their father,
16:54who may be financially
16:55already taken care of
16:56but you still wanna give them,
16:57but you're not giving financial needs
16:59to your wife and your children.
17:01That's not being a man.
17:03That's not being a man.
17:04And some people are in
17:05financial abuse situations,
17:07where I've even seen cases where
17:09the bank account is a joint account
17:12between the husband, the man,
17:14and his mother.
17:16And the wife has no access
17:17to the account.
17:18What kind of,
17:19what Islam did you learn?
17:21Where did you get this from?
17:23And the wife is being
17:24constantly told,
17:25by the way, that's our son.
17:27It's like, that's our property,
17:28you're just renting it.
17:30You know,
17:31this is what the wife is being told.
17:33If you wanted to act that way,
17:35then you had no business
17:36getting married.
17:37If you wanted to treat,
17:38financially treat,
17:39the spouse this way,
17:40then you have no business
17:42being in the institution of marriage.
17:44This is the first
17:45and foremost principle.
17:47You know, there are people
17:48who give mahr.
17:49They give marriage gifts
17:50or even at the wedding ceremony,
17:51they give lots of presents.
17:52And then a couple of days later,
17:54the guy's family says,
17:55hey, can we have those back?
17:56We need them for our daughter's wedding.
17:58Once you've given it up,
18:00you've given it up.
18:01It's done with.
18:02Now let's flip to the other.
18:03And the sisters that are
18:04listening to this right now
18:05are like, yeah,
18:06finally a khutbah about
18:07team ladies.
18:08Well, you know,
18:09Allah is,
18:10I told you in the beginning,
18:11Allah is fair.
18:12There's a balanced equation.
18:13Allah loves both sides,
18:14men and women.
18:15Allah told the men
18:16what responsibilities they have.
18:17The rest of this,
18:18the khutbah is actually
18:19the other side.
18:20What is,
18:21what are the,
18:22okay, so men are responsible
18:23for all of this
18:24and they better, you know,
18:25drip their sweat
18:26and break their backs
18:27earning for a family
18:28and go through
18:29all of the labor
18:30that they need to go through
18:31to take care of them
18:32and provide for them
18:33and protect them
18:34and take care of them
18:35emotionally and financially
18:36and physically
18:37and all of those things.
18:38Well, what are the women owe then?
18:39What's their side of this equation?
18:41Well, Allah Azza wa Jal starts with,
18:43not, you know,
18:44He said men take care of women
18:46and you were expecting
18:47that Allah will say women,
18:48therefore do this, right?
18:50But instead of saying women,
18:51He said,
18:52فَالصَّالِحَاتَ
18:53Then as a result,
18:55therefore,
18:56good women,
18:58good women,
18:59He doesn't even say women,
19:00He says,
19:01good women,
19:02as if Allah expects
19:03the first thing for women to be
19:05is good,
19:06not even women anymore.
19:07You must be good.
19:08And what does good mean in Arabic?
19:09The word,
19:10صَالِحَ
19:11comes from صُلْحَ
19:12صُلْحَ means
19:13the opposite of fighting,
19:14the opposite of corruption.
19:16Actually, when there's a conflict,
19:17then you want to make peace
19:18between two sides,
19:19you do صُلْحَ.
19:20Meaning,
19:21women are the,
19:22such wives are the source
19:25of ending all conflicts
19:26in the family.
19:27They are a source of peace
19:29and reconciliation.
19:31They are the reason
19:32tempers go down.
19:33They are the reason
19:34voices are lowered.
19:35They are the reason,
19:36they are the source of calm.
19:38They are the voice of reason.
19:39They are the source of reform.
19:41If there is a conflict
19:42or some kind of tension,
19:43the first place
19:45that the husband looks to,
19:46when he turns to her,
19:48things are going to settle down,
19:49is going to be the wife.
19:51For some of you are like,
19:52seriously?
19:53Because,
19:55all the fighting is actually,
19:57you're telling me
19:58that the place
19:59where all the fighting starts from
20:01is the place where it's supposed to end?
20:03Because I don't have any other
20:04raised voices in my house
20:06except hers.
20:07And nobody else is angry in my house
20:08except her.
20:09So the guy is kind of,
20:11the men don't take care of their end
20:13and women don't take care of their end.
20:15And they become a source
20:16of great tension and conflict.
20:17Allah starts by saying
20:19that they are a source of reform.
20:22They are settled.
20:23They are calm.
20:24They are actually peace themselves,
20:25goodness themselves.
20:26They are the removal
20:27of all sorts of tension.
20:28That's the first quality.
20:30Then he says,
20:31قَانِتَاتٌ
20:32Eager to obey.
20:33And some have interpreted this
20:34as eager to obey Allah.
20:36And that is true.
20:37They are eager to obey Allah.
20:39You know, they translate this
20:40as subservient.
20:41Like القنوط لله.
20:42That قنوط belongs to Allah.
20:44And Allah says,
20:45قُمُوا لِلَّهِ قَالَتِينَ
20:46Meaning, have قنوط.
20:47Meaning, have this kind of eagerness
20:49to obey only for the sake of Allah.
20:51But what in the world does that mean?
20:53That means,
20:54what's that doing here?
20:55Because you know,
20:56if one side was,
20:57men should do this for women.
20:59You expect the rest of it to be,
21:01women should do this for men.
21:03So why in the middle of that
21:04is Allah saying,
21:05yeah, they should do this for men
21:06but this part is for Allah.
21:08Well, the reason that's there
21:10is because women should remember
21:11that when they are being a source of calm,
21:13and when they are providing peace and sakinah
21:15in the household,
21:16they need to realize,
21:18the only one who can keep a household calm
21:20is them.
21:22And the only one who can truly
21:23set it on fire is them.
21:25They control the emotional.
21:26Like you know,
21:27in your home you have
21:28an air conditioner control
21:29that controls the temperature.
21:30Women control the emotional temperature
21:32of a household.
21:33They control it.
21:35And they better keep it cool
21:37because this is an act of them
21:39obeying Allah Himself.
21:41This is out of their eagerness
21:42to obey Allah.
21:43They need to become a source of calm.
21:45You know,
21:46and they both need to do that
21:48because men are taking care of them
21:49and they are being calm in return.
21:51You know, for some people
21:52what happens in abusive,
21:53emotionally abusive relationships,
21:55one person is constantly saying,
21:57calm down, calm down,
21:58it's okay, it's okay,
21:59don't be angry, don't be angry.
22:00And the more you say that,
22:01the other person is like,
22:02no,
22:03don't talk to me,
22:04leave me alone.
22:05Etc, etc.
22:06So one person has to be upset.
22:08One of them,
22:09it's either the guy who's upset
22:10and she's trying to calm him down,
22:11or she's upset
22:12and he's trying to calm her down.
22:13And they see that as a source
22:15of kind of control or power.
22:16Like yeah, I got him now.
22:18If I calm down now,
22:19I don't get that many points.
22:20Let me get some more juice out of this.
22:22You know.
22:23So I'm gonna keep this anger thing going.
22:26Just see how far I can take it.
22:28So this kind of putting someone
22:30in a subservient position,
22:32this is against
22:33what Allah Azza wa Jal wants.
22:34So Allah Azza wa Jal says,
22:36قَانِتَاتٌ
22:37Then He adds something,
22:38another responsibility for women.
22:40He says,
22:41حَافِظَاتٌ لِلْغَيْبِ
22:42They guard what is invisible.
22:45They guard the invisible.
22:46What does that mean?
22:47It means that the husband's out at work.
22:50They're not doing anything
22:51the husband wouldn't have wanted them to do.
22:53They're not talking to anybody
22:54who the husband
22:55wouldn't have wanted them to talk to.
22:56They don't have any friends
22:57that the husband didn't approve of.
22:59They're not having any conversations
23:00that are behind his back.
23:02Conversations that are private
23:03between husband and wife
23:04are not being shared
23:05with her mother
23:06or her sister
23:07or whoever else
23:08because they're supposed to guard that.
23:09There's a privacy
23:11between a husband and a wife.
23:12And just because you're having a...
23:13Now if there's an abuse situation
23:15and he's beating you
23:16or he's cussing you
23:17or he's doing some crazy things to you,
23:19then you need to get somebody
23:21who can actually help.
23:22Not just somebody to talk to
23:24but somebody who can come in and intervene.
23:26That's talked about in the surah later on.
23:28But when it becomes a habit,
23:29I just need to talk to somebody
23:30and you're just railing on the husband
23:32or you're sharing things
23:33that he asked you to keep private
23:35or you're doing...
23:37You have connections
23:38or friends or associates or company
23:40or you're going to places
23:41where he would never have wanted you to go to.
23:43Had he seen you there,
23:45he would have been really upset
23:46or really hurt
23:47and you're still doing that anyway.
23:48And in your head,
23:49well, he didn't find out
23:50so it's okay.
23:51Allah says,
23:52حَافِظَةٌ لِلْغَيِّبُ
23:53They have to guard what is invisible.
23:56Part of the meaning is
23:57what is invisible to him.
23:59They have to guard that.
24:00بِمَا حَفِظَ اللَّهِ
24:01Because of what Allah ordained
24:03should be guarded.
24:04You see, now the equation is balanced.
24:06On the one side,
24:07Allah Azzawajal told men,
24:09you have to spend
24:10because Allah has put that responsibility on you.
24:13بِمَا فَضَّلَ اللَّهُ
24:14بَعْضَهُمْ عَلَىٰ بَعَضٍ
24:15وَبِمَا أَنْفَقُوا بِنَوَالِهِمْ
24:17On the other side,
24:18حَافِظَةٌ لِلْغَيِّبِ
24:19بِمَا حَفِظَ اللَّهِ
24:21They have to guard what is in the unseen
24:23because of what Allah has decided to guard.
24:26So they're not supposed to be
24:27keeping secrets from their husband.
24:29They're not supposed to be having
24:30passwords on their phone
24:32and the husband says,
24:33can I see your phone?
24:34No.
24:35Why?
24:36I don't know.
24:37Hold on a second,
24:38let me erase everything.
24:39Okay, now you can see it.
24:40Why?
24:41There should be,
24:42the only one you can keep,
24:44the private life of a wife
24:47is actually completely shared.
24:49You are their لِبَاس.
24:50They are your لِبَاس.
24:51There are no secrets between husband and wife.
24:53They're supposed to be
24:54completely open with each other.
24:55Rasulullah ﷺ
24:57would share secrets with his wives.
24:59وَإِذْ أَسَرَّ النَّبِيُّ
25:00إِلَىٰ بَعْضِ أَزْوَاجِهِ
25:01حَدِيثًا
25:02When he shared a secret with his spouse.
25:04In his most private
25:05and most difficult moments,
25:06he turned to her.
25:07If you can't be each other's clothes,
25:09you know when somebody is wearing clothes,
25:10there's nothing between
25:11the clothes and your body,
25:12is there?
25:13Your clothes,
25:14the inside of your clothes
25:15have no secrets between you
25:16and yourself and them.
25:18That's the description of a spouse,
25:20a husband and a wife.
25:21So when you're not able to guard that,
25:23and what is meant to be
25:24just for the husband,
25:25and what is meant to be
25:26just for the wife
25:27is going somewhere else.
25:28Then that's a violation
25:30of what women are supposed to do.
25:32And these are just few things
25:34that Allah mentions
25:35that this is actually how
25:37the balance is maintained
25:39between the two sides.
25:40الرِّجَال قَوَمُونَ عَلَى النِّسَاءِ
25:42بِمَا فَضَّلَ اللَّهُ بَعْضَهُمْ عَلَى بَعْضٍ
25:44وَبِمَا أَنْفَقُوا مِنْ أَمْوَالِهِمْ
25:46And on the other hand,
25:47فَالصَّالِحَاتُ قَانِتَاتٌ حَافِظَاتٌ لِلْغَيْبِ بِمَا حَافِظُوا اللَّهُ
25:51I know that I'm going to put this on social media.
25:53You know what's going to happen.
25:54But what about this?
25:55What about this?
25:56What about this?
25:57What if he's crazy?
25:58What if she does this?
25:59What if she does that?
26:00Everybody's concerned about the abuse
26:01from the other side.
26:02And if there is abuse, it's real.
26:03I acknowledge that it's real.
26:05But what I wanted to elaborate
26:08first and foremost is
26:09how does Allah expect things to look?
26:11Not I expect, or you expect.
26:13How does Allah expect
26:15the relationship to look?
26:16What are some of its most fundamental pillars?
26:19That if they are not there,
26:20then they should be the first priority
26:22before anything else.
26:23Before we fix...
26:24You know, marriage can have a hundred problems.
26:26A family can have a hundred problems.
26:28If these few things that I've mentioned
26:30are still a problem,
26:31then everything else is secondary,
26:33this is the primary.
26:34This is the real issue.
26:36So this has to be worked on
26:37before anything else.
26:38And if this is not being resolved,
26:40this cannot be fixed,
26:41then what does Allah say?
26:42فَإِنْ خِفْتُمْ شِقَاقَ بَيْنِهِمَا
26:44فَبْعَثُوا حَكَمًا مِّنْ أَهْلِهِ
26:46وَحَكَمًا مِّنْ أَهْلِهَا
26:48If you really think that this is a schism,
26:50like a canyon has opened up between them,
26:52and they can't seem to figure out
26:54how to make this work,
26:55these fundamentals aren't there,
26:57then you need to get someone
26:59worthy of counsel,
27:01some wise person,
27:02some sensible person,
27:03that can represent her side,
27:05from her family,
27:06and get somebody representative
27:08from his family,
27:09and get them to talk it out.
27:10Nobody else should get involved.
27:12This is not a dinner conversation.
27:14This is not some interesting subject
27:16at an Eid party.
27:17You know, those two are having trouble.
27:19This is not for anybody else.
27:20This is one responsible person
27:22who cares,
27:23who understands things,
27:24and is not emotionally all over the place,
27:26not an angry person from her family,
27:28one calm, level-headed person from his family,
27:31and they can have a mutual meeting
27:33to try to figure things out.
27:35If things work out okay,
27:36if things don't work out,
27:38that's okay too.
27:39This is how things are supposed to be solved.
27:41This is how hatred is not created.
27:43And you know what happens a lot of times?
27:45People remain in broken marriages,
27:47and they don't get anybody involved,
27:49and they don't fix what's broken,
27:50and they develop hatred towards each other.
27:52And then when that hatred is towards
27:54between husband and wife,
27:55the children see it.
27:57And they learn that this is normal.
27:59It's normal for mom and dad to talk this way.
28:01So when those kids grow up,
28:03and they're going to be married,
28:04guess how they're going to talk to their spouse.
28:06That's what they learned.
28:07That's the schooling they got at home.
28:09So when you don't have that peace at home,
28:11you are actually passing that chaos
28:13down to the next generations.
28:15And it's a subconscious kind of learning.
28:17You know, when children learn from what they see,
28:20that is never forgotten.
28:22What they learn in classroom, you forget.
28:24You know, you guys,
28:26when you were kids,
28:27you don't remember what your teacher said in the class?
28:29You remember one thing,
28:30what your parents used to do at home,
28:32you remember.
28:33You remember that.
28:34You still, as adults, you remember that.
28:36Because that leaves an imprint
28:37on a person's personality.
28:39So this isn't just about even a husband and a wife.
28:42It's about the legacy we're leaving behind.
28:44You know, the tranquility
28:46that's supposed to come thereafter.
28:48I genuinely pray
28:49that those of you that are married,
28:51husbands and wives,
28:52are able to really look at themselves
28:54and recognize whether or not
28:55they're fulfilling their responsibilities
28:57as Allah wants them to.
28:59And I genuinely hope
29:00if you do find yourself
29:01in a very difficult marriage situation,
29:03that you're able to find somebody
29:05to confide in from your side,
29:07from your family.
29:08And if there's nobody reasonable in your family,
29:10because that happens sometimes.
29:12Maybe all y'all crazy.
29:14That happens.
29:15You know, everybody's crazy.
29:17Then you have to find somebody
29:18who can at least represent your side reasonably
29:20and speak on your behalf.
29:22Because if you keep suffering from abuse silently,
29:24then you are actually,
29:26you're partly responsible
29:28for what's happening.
29:29And not just to you,
29:30what's happening to your children
29:31or future generations.
29:32Right?
29:33Because it's not okay
29:34to live in resentment with somebody else.
29:36It's not okay to look at somebody else
29:38and remember all the hurt
29:39they caused you all the time.
29:40It's not okay to not be at peace.
29:42The fundamental purpose of marriage was
29:44لِتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا
29:45Before Allah mentioned love,
29:47before He mentioned care,
29:48مَوَدَّ وَرَحْمَةً
29:49He said the first purpose of marriage
29:51is so you can find peace with each other.
29:53When you look at someone,
29:54you just calm down and relax.
29:56Like finally I'm in a safe place.
29:57Finally this is a place
29:58where I'll be dignified.
29:59I won't be humiliated.
30:00I won't be reminded of my past mistakes.
30:02I'm completely at ease
30:04because I'm in the presence of my spouse,
30:06husband or wife.
30:07If that's not there,
30:08then that needs to be there.
30:10And if you're not able to get there yourself,
30:12then you need outside help
30:14and professional help with that.
30:15May Allah عز و جل
30:17allow us the opportunity
30:18to fix broken relationships
30:20and to do what's best
30:21for ourselves and our families.
30:23May Allah عز و جل
30:24allow us and give us the rizq
30:26of seeking the right kind of help
30:28to mend the ties that are being broken.
30:30بارك الله لي ولكم في القرآن الحكيم
30:32ونفعني وإياكم بالآيات والذكر الحكيم
30:38الحمد لله وكفا
30:39والصلاة والسلام على عباده الذين اصطفى
30:41خصوصا على أفضلهم وخاتم النبيين
30:43محمد الأمين
30:44وعلى آله وصحبه أجمعين
30:46قال الله عز و جل في كتابه الكريم
30:48بعد أن أقول
30:49أعوذ بالله من الشيطان الرجيم
30:51إن الله وملائكته
30:52يصلون على النبي
30:53يا أيها الذين آمنوا
30:54صلوا عليه وسلموا تسليما
30:56اللهم صل على محمد
30:57وعلى آل محمد
30:59كما صليت على إبراهيم
31:00وعلى آل إبراهيم في العالمين
31:02إنك حميد مجيد
31:03اللهم بارك على محمد
31:04وعلى آل محمد
31:06كما باركت على إبراهيم
31:07وعلى آل إبراهيم في العالمين
31:09إنك حميد مجيد
31:10عباد الله
31:11رحمكم الله
31:12اتقوا الله
31:13إن الله يأمر بالعدل والإحسان
31:15وإيتاء ذي القربة
31:16وينهى عن الفحشاء والمنكر
31:18ولذكر الله أكبر
31:19والله يعلم ما تصنعون
31:21أقم الصلاة
31:22إن الصلاة كانت على المؤمنين كتابا موقوتا
31:27ترجمة نانسي قنقر