Apology ep, 1/27/61
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00:00L&M Filter Cigarettes presents Jackie Gleason in what will probably prove to be a very unusual
00:29program. And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Jackie Gleason!
00:59Oh, that's good coffee. Ladies and gentlemen, I, uh, think you'll notice that there is no
01:21panel tonight. As a matter of fact, there's nothing here except the orchestra and myself.
01:32I'd like to modify that. There is one other thing. We have a creed tonight, and the creed
01:38is, honesty is the best policy. Now, this program could be the most fascinating you'll
01:46ever watch. I know this, that it's the first of its kind, and could very easily be the
01:55last. Oh, it's good! Now, while I said that we didn't have a panel or anything like that,
02:13we do have a premise, and the premise is this. Last week, we did a show called You're
02:21in the Picture that laid, without a doubt, the biggest bomb in America. I'm telling you
02:43friends that I've seen bombs in my day. This would make the H-bomb look like a two-inch
02:51salute. In our neighborhood, we'd call the atom bomb a scissor. This was oh-ho-ho. And
03:03to show you the element, what luck plays, the element of luck in success. Now, I wasn't
03:11supposed to be here last week. I was going out of town. I was going to play some golf,
03:16and I was going to watch Palmer make that 12 he got, you know, in that hole. And somebody
03:22said to me, how would you like to do a show? And they told me about this thing, and I stayed
03:26around to do it. Now, I didn't have to be here. I could have been somewhere having a
03:31nice cruise on a Portuguese ship or something. As a matter of fact, if I had been on that ship,
03:44I wouldn't be here tonight. This is a new coffee called chock full of booze.
03:58Before we go any further to discuss this catastrophe that took place last week,
04:15and I'll get some dirtier words to explain it later, I would like to tell you that tonight,
04:22our show is being brought to you by none other friends than L&M filter cigarettes. My choice for
04:30flavor. Now, unless you're smoking L&Ms, all you can do is imagine how good they taste. How much
04:38great flavor you can get from a filter cigarette. Not from just one L&M, or two, or a whole pack,
04:46but every time you light up, every time, L&M gives you that flavor. Now, I think you'll agree,
04:53so try my smoke, friends. Unlock some flavor. The next time, every time, reach for an L&M,
05:01because they're the greatest. Now, back to the subject. You know, a lot of people might ask,
05:14how is it possible for a group of trained people in show business, if this happened in a hospital,
05:20you know, some doctors botched up a thing like this, this is the end, they carry him out,
05:30that's all, Charlie. Well, here we are, all trained people in show business, and the best
05:37that you can get. This is, no kidding. These are the finest people. And I imagine that in the group
05:44we had, there were about a group of 20, they had combined experience of about 300 years.
05:51Imagine this. And they put this show on, you're in the picture. Well, now I gotta tell you why
05:59a thing like that happened. Whoa, that's good coffee. I mean, that's a good cigarette. Now,
06:10let me explain this to you. The facts of show business are this. Show business is a very strange
06:20and intangible endeavor. Now, for instance, put yourself in the place of a bank president. Now,
06:27suppose a guy walked into you and you were the president of a bank, and he said to you,
06:32I wanna borrow a million dollars because I'm gonna put on a picture with no stars in it. He said,
06:40and the plot of the picture is this, an ugly butcher up in the Bronx can't get a date,
06:47and it's gonna win the Academy Award. Well, immediately, you know, you step on the emergency
06:55bell, and you hermetically seal the whole bank, and in 30 seconds, Bellevue is there with the
07:03straitjackets akimbo, you know. But oddly enough, there was a guy who did borrow some money from a
07:10bank, who did put on a picture without any stars in it, and it was about an ugly butcher in the
07:16Bronx who couldn't find a date, and the name of the picture was Marty. Now, up to now, it's made
07:22about eight million dollars. So how can you tell, you know? Now, that's a stupid plot that you walk
07:29in with, but let's look at the other end of the road. A couple of years ago, about 10 years ago,
07:36there was a show, a guy had an idea for a show. He said, here's what we're gonna do. He says,
07:41we're gonna put on a show called Keep Off the Grass. It'll be about Central Park. He said,
07:47and we'll get a historian that knows all the funny things that happen in Central Park, and you know,
07:53friends, that there's been some funny... He says, we'll get two geniuses to write the music, and they did.
08:01They got Jimmy McHugh and Howard Deans. They said, we'll get the master choreographer of all times,
08:07Balanchine. He'll put on the dances. They said, then we'll get stars. We'll get Jimmy Durante,
08:14Jane Froman, Ray Bolger, and Ilka Chase, and they did, and they put this show on. I was in it,
08:22friends. It closed so fast, I got caught in the door. So that's the intangible. That isn't the
08:33worst plot, but I was in worse than that. I was in a little legitimate show in summer stock. This
08:41thing was so bad, that opening night, it closed during intermission. You know, there's... Now,
08:53for instance, when they came to me with this ID, you're in the picture. I got to take the blame
08:58for this, because a guy walked in, and he demonstrated. I was sitting with my agent,
09:03you know, and a couple of the people that belong to the agency that I'm employed by,
09:07or guided by, those dirty runs. No, no, no. If I say, I don't mean it. They're all in it. Take my
09:19word for it. Anyway, this guy come in, and he demonstrated this game, and I want to tell you,
09:28we fell down. You know, it was a board, as you saw last week, and everybody stuck their head in,
09:34and then they had to guess what the thing was. Well, we were hilarious, and it got contagious. We
09:38were calling in stenographers, and saying, hey, look at this. People walking down the corridor
09:45with packages. We were pulling them in. Look at this thing that we got here. Now, you can't
09:49imagine how this built up, in our opinion, as a great show. It just caught on. Now, I got to show
09:56you, for you people who didn't see the show last week, who weren't that fortunate, I got to show
10:05you what it was like. Now, will you bring out the tableau, please? Bring that thing out here. Just
10:11bring it up. You'll notice, ladies and gentlemen, that the stagehands have their back turned to the
10:17audience. Now, this is understandable. They don't want to be identified with this thing.
10:23They have wives, and children, and are respected members of their community, and they don't want to
10:32have it. But this is it. Now, if you looked at that, wouldn't you say that was funny? Maybe it's unfair
10:41to show you this. You see, somebody has to stick their... Let me show you, when you put your head
10:45through the hole, how funny it is. Watch this! Up back here, just pull it out. There you are! Look at that!
10:53Take it off, fellas. Well, that's what I mean, you know. Maybe it was because they had the cook over at
11:07General Artist Corporation stick her head in there or something. I don't... But it was very funny when we
11:13were watching. Now, you would think that an audience who watches a show for a half hour would walk out of
11:19the theater memorizing the highlights of the show. They didn't even walk out of here humming the
11:27scenery. But aside from that, we, for instance, we got a call right after the show, and it was very
11:42embarrassing. It was the Russian embassy. They wanted a copy of this tape to show in the Kremlin.
11:49Believe me, if they show this, you'll tell the truth. They had a bomb like this one too. We'd
11:56listen. But Castro has a new slogan since we had this show. It's called, Yankee, go stick your head
12:03in a hole. Now, you take, for instance, the reviews that we got on the show. This was really rough. And I'll tell you why.
12:21You have no idea what an actor goes through when he gets up the next morning and has to open that
12:28paper and look at what they wrote about him when he knows he's laid an egg. And it was especially bad for me
12:37because we did the show on Friday, and at Friday, all the television columns are in bed. So I had to
12:45wait till Monday. Now, this provides bad temper, ulcers, and a third-degree hangover, which was terrible.
12:55Now, you can say things about critics. You can say, well, what does a critic know? If he knew anything, he'd put on a hit show
13:01himself if he knows it all, you know. And you can say the same thing about ratings. Funny thing about actors, they like
13:07ratings when they're high, and they hate critics when they wrap them. Well, I'm of the school that if a critic did know about how to
13:14put on a show, he would. But I'm still on the critic's side because you don't have to be Alexander Graham Bell to pick up the phone
13:21and find out it's dead.
13:22So...
13:28Before I read you the reviews, I'd like to tell you another thing an actor does. He tries to find out who's to blame for this.
13:39He's not. That's a fact. So I'm sitting there grumbling to myself after the thing, who's to blame for this? I tried to find out
13:51whether it was the guy that came up with the idea. It wasn't him because I went along with him, calling in the girls and everything.
13:57Look at this. And it wasn't the producer because I had a little hand in that, you know. I'm very sneaky. I get in everything.
14:05The director put the show on pretty good. The writers, I wrote some of the stuff, so I have nothing to complain at. I finally found out
14:13the guy to blame for this whole thing. Just before the show goes on, there's a guy that says, you're on the air.
14:22Stop!
14:24That's dirty!
14:35Move over Castro.
14:37No!
14:39Before we go any further, I'd like everybody to... I'll tell you more about this thing, but everybody stand back right now because we have some big news for you.
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16:06♪♪
16:11-♪♪
16:17I didn't know about that extra part you had there.
16:20-♪♪
16:22I'll read you something later that's said about the band, which is a riot.
16:25-♪♪
16:28Another thing, I told you about the guy that says you're on the air.
16:32Well, any of you people who have visited a television show
16:35know about the guy at the end of the show that goes like this
16:38to tell you, you know, that there's no time left and to get off.
16:42Last week, the guy used a real knife.
16:45-♪♪
16:51Now, another funny thing about putting on a flop show.
16:55-♪♪
16:59And I wish I wasn't an expert in all these things.
17:02-♪♪
17:04But after the show is over, you usually stand there.
17:08You know, you're the star and they run up to you and they say,
17:10oh, Gleason, you were gorgeous.
17:12Oh, you were right. I died laughing.
17:15Last week, nothing.
17:18I'm standing there alone like I had eczema from head to foot.
17:23-♪♪
17:26So after a little while of standing around and nobody saying anything,
17:30I started to ask some questions.
17:32So I walked up to one of the stage hands and I said,
17:35well, Charlie, how'd you like the show?
17:38He said, boy, you look thin on a monitor.
17:41-♪♪
17:45This is it, folks, when I say that.
17:48Another guy said to me, he said,
17:50you know the curtain didn't stick once like it did this afternoon?
17:55And I went up to another guy and he says,
17:57we got off the air right on time.
17:59-♪♪
18:01Right on time.
18:03And the only compliment I received is a guy walked up to me and he said,
18:06the commercials were great.
18:08-♪♪
18:10And that was wrong because another guy said they were too short.
18:13-♪♪
18:17But these are the things that happen.
18:19Oh, right after the show, my associate, Jack Philbin, came up to me
18:23and he says, I don't know, I don't know what to think of this.
18:27There's a guy on the phone that wants to sponsor a hunk of this show.
18:31And after I heard these things like you're thin on a monitor and everything,
18:34I said, well, he must be a nut or something.
18:37He says, no, he sounds sincere.
18:41So I went to the phone.
18:42I says, hello?
18:43He says, is this Gleason?
18:44I said, yeah, pal.
18:45Who is this?
18:46He says, I'd like to sponsor a little piece of the show.
18:48I said, well, what product do you manufacture?
18:50He says, Brand X.
18:52Ah!
18:53-♪♪
18:59This is the truth.
19:01Now, after a show, after a show, especially like the one we did last week,
19:06you want to get out and get somewhere.
19:09Anywhere.
19:12And if you have an armed guard, that's good too, you know,
19:15but you want to get out.
19:16So we all went to a restaurant.
19:18My associates and people connected with the show.
19:22And a restaurant you would ordinarily go to eat in, but we didn't.
19:27I ordered a roast double scotch.
19:32Somebody else, a boiled vodka.
19:36And after we had about 30 or 50 of these real sticks,
19:42we began to think it over.
19:45And with the glow of the booze, the show got better, you know.
19:51One guy says, you got to admit, it was a cold night.
19:54-♪♪
20:00Another guy says, yeah.
20:02And he says, don't forget, a week ago it was Friday the 13th.
20:05-♪♪
20:08Oh, beautiful experience.
20:10Then some guy said, look, he said, let's face it,
20:13we were following a tough show, the Inaugural.
20:16-♪♪
20:19That's on all day with the marching and everything.
20:21He said, you can't follow that.
20:24I said, you know, come to think of it, you're right.
20:28I said, they had a misfortune during the Inaugural.
20:31I said, as Cardinal Cushing was making the invocation,
20:35the lectern started to smoke.
20:37Remember it went on fire?
20:39I said, that was their misfortune.
20:42I said, it should happen to us that we had a misfortune
20:45where everything burned up before we got there.
20:49And we could have also used a couple of Cardinal Cushing's prayers.
20:53But I knew that we were finished,
20:55because when I went home to the hotel,
20:57I opened the window to look out and see if it was still snowing.
21:00And they had the nets up.
21:02Now, before we go on with this, and before we continue any further,
21:16let's pause for a moment for a few words from Dennis James
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22:02with the Special K and skim milk.
22:04You can have a teaspoon of sugar,
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22:18So how about it?
22:19Why don't you give the new Special K breakfast a try, okay?
22:22Okay.
22:23♪♪
22:28You know, ladies and gentlemen,
22:32the reason I can come out and joke about this kind of a thing
22:36is because I know that you can't kid the public.
22:41And on top of that, I've been in show business a long time,
22:44and this isn't my first flop.
22:46I've got to tell you about the world's greatest flop that I was in.
22:52This contains all the dreams of an actor
22:55and all of the things you think are going to be wonderful that happen to you.
23:00And it starts like this.
23:02I was working at a joint called the 18 Club on 52nd Street
23:06the same time I was doubling at another club in Queens
23:10called the Queens Terrace.
23:12And that was a club you had to fight pretty good
23:14to work there as a master of ceremonies.
23:17But anyway, I went on for the first show at the 18 Club,
23:20and Jack Warner was in the audience of Warner Brothers Studios,
23:23and I didn't know this.
23:25And I left immediately because I had to get in the car
23:27and rush to Queens to do the second show.
23:30Now, I had found out this later,
23:32that Warner had gone up to Freddy Lamb,
23:34who was the guy that was running the 18 Club,
23:37a fine guy, and who was my manager
23:39because he had bought me a tuxedo.
23:42And if you think that wasn't a nice gesture,
23:47you should have seen me in those days.
23:49Well, anyway, he went up to Freddy Lamb.
23:51He said, this kid here is a riot.
23:53We've got to have him.
23:54We're starting a picture in two weeks,
23:56and he's got to be out there.
23:58Freddy Lamb says, all right.
23:59He says, but let's not rush about this thing.
24:01Now, what do you want to give the kid?
24:03And Jack Warner said, $85 a week.
24:05He says, right, you got him.
24:07Now, anyway, I come back to the 18 Club,
24:11and Freddy Lamb says, well, pal, you're in pictures.
24:14And he told me the story.
24:16Well, I was never more thrilled in my life.
24:18You know, I was a young kid, a hambone of all times,
24:23with a lot of guts and very little talent.
24:25And this, to me, was the tops of everything.
24:29So a week later, they see me down to the train.
24:33We're all going pretty good.
24:35And Freddy Lamb gives me $150 spending money
24:39to last me for the trip and the few days
24:41that I have to wait until my first paycheck comes.
24:44Well, I get in the train, and I'm dreaming.
24:47Oh, clock, cable, move over.
24:49And we finally get to Chicago.
24:52And if you know anything about the trains that go to Chicago,
24:55you arrive in Chicago 9 o'clock in the morning,
24:58and the train lays over there till about 4 in the afternoon.
25:01So you have to go somewhere.
25:02So I went to Onrese's restaurant where you have coffee,
25:05and I met the guys.
25:06Red Skelton was there, Danny Thomas.
25:09They were all working in town, and I got talking to them.
25:11Then we went and had a couple of drinks.
25:13Then I called up the train to see if there was a train
25:15leaving tomorrow that I could get on, and they said yes.
25:19And I watched their shows at night,
25:21and we went to a gambling joint, and I lost all the money.
25:25Now, I get on the train, and after paying the porter
25:29for my bags, I had exactly $4.25 left
25:34and two days on this train to California.
25:38Now, the guy is going through the train with the bell.
25:41Bing, bong, bing, bong.
25:44First call for lunch.
25:47I'm not worried about the lunch.
25:49I'm as dry as toast, you know.
25:52So I figured there's something I have to do
25:55so I don't starve to death, and I got off the train
25:57at the first stop, and I bought a whole box of Baby Ruths.
26:02Those little candies.
26:04For two days, I ate Baby Ruths with the bing, bong, bing, bong.
26:11When I got off the train, I was loaded with pimples and despair.
26:16The guy that was at the train to meet me said to me,
26:25what studio do you want to go to?
26:27I said, the Brown Derby Restaurant.
26:30Anyway, well, I'll have to tell you the end of the story
26:34right after our next commercial.
26:36Now, as I told you, tonight, our show is brought to you
26:40by L&M, and when I ask you to try my cigarette, L&M,
26:45I ask you to try them for only one reason, taste.
26:50Really good tobacco taste that gives you pleasure,
26:53and is there anything better than pleasure in a cigarette?
26:57Believe me, I've tried all brands,
27:00and if I had my cigarettes made to order,
27:02I'd still settle for L&M, and I think you will too.
27:06So unlock some flavor, friends.
27:09Reach for an L&M.
27:11Now...
27:12♪♪
27:17Now, before finishing the story,
27:19could I have another cup of coffee, please?
27:21This is the finish.
27:26The sole survivor.
27:30We had four of these when we were going good last week.
27:34Anyway, I made the picture.
27:36It was called Navy Blues, and it was a pretty good picture.
27:39Jack Haley was in it.
27:41Jack Hokey, Martha Ray, Ann Sheridan, Jack Carson,
27:45they were all splendid, but I had the kind of a part
27:47like if there were a big group of sailors
27:49and they said, let's get on a boat,
27:50I'd say, yeah, let's get on a boat, and we'd all run on.
27:53Then if they said, let's get off the boat,
27:55I'd say, yeah, let's get off the boat,
27:57and we'd all run off.
27:59Well, we did this picture,
28:01and I couldn't wait till it came out,
28:03and it came out and played at the Warner Brothers Theater
28:05on Hollywood Boulevard, and I went to see it.
28:08And I came out, and I was pretty dejected,
28:11and I called up Jack Haley,
28:12who was a good friend of mine then and still is,
28:15and I said, Jack, I just saw the picture.
28:18He says, well, how were you in it?
28:20I said, I looked like somebody
28:22watching the picture being made.
28:24Now, that's not such a funny story,
28:29but believe me, it really hurt here.
28:33But I have learned through just such,
28:35are you saying 30 till we're finished, or what?
28:38Yeah?
28:40Well, let me tell you something.
28:42This isn't a requiem for a heavyweight.
28:46I'm coming back next week.
28:49I don't know what we're gonna do,
28:51but take my word for it.
28:56Tune in on the next chapter,
28:58because this might be the greatest
28:59soapless opera you've ever seen.
29:04I would like to close,
29:05I would like to close with this little poem.
29:08If I am in an easy chair
29:10with not a problem, not a care,
29:12should some dear faithful friend
29:14appear and tell me of a great idea,
29:17a TV show that seems a beaut,
29:20I'll smack him right in the snoot.