Abbott and Costello with Bela Lugosi
The Abbott and Costello Show is a comedy program from the era of old-time radio in the United States. It was broadcast first on NBC and later on ABC, beginning on July 3, 1940 and ending on June 9, 1949.
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00:00Hey Abbott, what time is it?
00:01It's time for the Abbott and Costello Show.
00:02We're on the air here in Hollywood.
00:04Well, what are we waiting for?
00:05Let's go with the Abbott and Costello Show!
00:07♪
00:20Yes, it's the Abbott and Costello Show,
00:22produced and transcribed in Hollywood tonight
00:24for your listening pleasure,
00:25with Susan Miller and the music of Maddy Mallet.
00:27Hold on to your chairs, folks, for here they are,
00:30Bud Abbott and Luke Costello!
00:31♪
00:35Here they are!
00:38♪
00:47Costello, you're late again.
00:49Well, I was watching the girls admiring
00:51Lionel Turner's new necklace.
00:52Lionel Turner has a new necklace?
00:54Yes, made out of her old wedding rings.
00:56♪
01:00Hey, who was that girl you were out with last night?
01:02Ah, that's my new girl.
01:04What's she like?
01:05She likes bourbon, scotch, gin, rye, wine,
01:07schnapps, bourbon.
01:08Look, where did you meet this girl?
01:09Oh, at the Palladium.
01:11I asked her for a dance.
01:12Did you dance the foxtrot, the tango, or the waltz?
01:14The one step.
01:15The one step?
01:16One step and I changed my mind about dancing with her.
01:19Why, wasn't she a good dancer?
01:20No, but she makes you forget about dancing
01:22during the commission.
01:24When I took her home,
01:25I kissed her goodnight and got a real kick out of it.
01:27She kisses that good?
01:28No, her father caught us.
01:29Right.
01:30♪
01:35Instead of running around every night with a different girl,
01:37why don't you settle down and get married?
01:38Not me, Adam.
01:39Getting married is like going to a cafeteria.
01:41Like a cafeteria?
01:42Yeah, you grab what you want and pay for it later.
01:44♪
01:46Costello, why were you late tonight?
01:48Well, I overslept, Abbott.
01:49I had a very peculiar dream.
01:50I dreamed I was a pincushion in a room full of balloon dancers.
01:53And am I mad?
01:55Why are you mad?
01:55Well, I woke up just when things were beginning to pop.
01:58Right.
01:58♪
02:03After next week, I'm going to get my home.
02:04I'm going to get my own room.
02:05I can't sleep with my brother Pat anymore.
02:07All night long, he dreams he's Roy Rogers.
02:09Oh, why should that disturb you?
02:10He also dreams I'm Trigger.
02:11Right.
02:12♪
02:17Hey, Abbott, if you will appoint me sheriff of Encino,
02:19I'll clean up the town.
02:20I'll mop up all the pool rooms.
02:21I'll clean out all the saloons.
02:22I'll scour the alley.
02:23How can you do that?
02:24On the side, I'm a street cleaner.
02:25♪
02:27Costello, if I make you the new sheriff,
02:28you've got a lot of great men to follow.
02:30Listen to the records in the background.
02:32Sheriff Jones, redcoats, northwest mounted, 1931.
02:36Sheriff Brown, redcoats, northwest mounted, 1938.
02:39Sheriff Costello, sportscoats, Bullock's Basement, 1975.
02:43♪
02:45Look, to do criminal work,
02:46you have to know something about the law.
02:48For instance, do you know how to put up a defense?
02:51Well, sure. All you have to...
02:53Could I have that again?
02:54I said, do you know how to put up a defense?
02:56Why should I put up a defense?
02:58I already put up at the wall around my house.
03:00I also got at the hedge in the backyard.
03:05Why do I have to put up a defense?
03:06Now, now, Costello, when I say you put up a defense,
03:08I don't mean you put up a fence
03:09like you do when you put up a fence.
03:11I mean a defense like when you put up a defense.
03:14Yeah, but I kinky you nuts.
03:15No, you don't.
03:16♪
03:18It's no use.
03:19You wouldn't know how to act in a criminal investigation anyhow.
03:21Oh, is that so?
03:22I was down at a morgue yesterday
03:24to see a gangster that was killed.
03:26I lifted up the sheet and there he lay,
03:27the corpus delicatessen.
03:29That...
03:31That dummy.
03:32Corpus delicti.
03:33Not corpus delicatessen.
03:34This was a corpus delicatessen.
03:35He was stabbed with a salami.
03:36Right.
03:41Well, I knew you were cleaning up Encino,
03:44but you didn't put up a fence.
03:45Rubbish.
03:46Oh, pardon me. It's Costello.
03:48I...
03:52I've appointed Costello as sheriff of Encino.
03:55He's going to chase all the criminals out of town.
03:57Well, buddy, you ought to put me on that job.
03:59You know I'm a regular bloodhound.
04:01From the looks of your ears,
04:02you must be part cocker spaniel, too.
04:05I don't have to take any more insults from you, Costello.
04:09Huh, I can see through you.
04:10I've got eyes like a hawk.
04:12And a beak to match.
04:15Costello.
04:17How dare you insult my wife?
04:19She's beautiful.
04:19Why, before I married her,
04:21she had men falling at her feet.
04:22And why not?
04:23She was refereeing fights at the Legion Stadium.
04:26Oh, you pigeon-puss, pop-eyed penguin.
04:30When I was a girl living in the country,
04:33boys used to court me from ten miles away.
04:35They had to.
04:36They were afraid to come any closer.
04:40Pay no attention to Mommy.
04:41Excuse me, Mr. Faze.
04:42If you're smart, you'll wear it over your face.
04:46Oh, lowlife.
04:47Lowlife?
04:49Uh, by the way, buddy,
04:50I got some new shoes, too.
04:52Do you like them?
04:52They're pumps.
04:53And, and you, they look good.
04:55Well, thanks.
04:56Considering that you're...
04:59Oh!
05:01How dare you?
05:02I had beautiful legs.
05:03You're bullying.
05:04My wife is not bullying.
05:06She's the only woman in the world
05:07that can walk down a bowling alley
05:08while the game is on.
05:14Oh, good-bye.
05:22Costello, for excelling my wife,
05:24I'm not going to make you sheriff of Vinceno,
05:26and I'm not going to give you this beautiful badge.
05:28Oh, please, Abbott, let me be the sheriff.
05:29I've always wanted a badge.
05:31Everybody's got a badge but me.
05:33A cop has a badge, a fireman has a badge,
05:35even a little boy scout has a badge.
05:37Abbott, I've just gotta have a badge.
05:40But, uh, why do you have to have a badge?
05:42I'm tired of holding up my pants with my teeth.
05:46Oh, all right.
05:48I hereby appoint you sheriff of Vinceno.
05:51Step forward, and I'll pin this badge on your shirt.
05:53Thank you, Abbott. I mean, Your Honor.
05:54Come on, we're going over to the sheriff's office
05:56in Vinceno right now,
05:57so you can start to work immediately.
06:05Well, Sheriff Costello, you can take over at once.
06:08I've got it, Abbott.
06:11What? The man broke into your room?
06:13Yes, ma'am. I'll put on the police radio right away.
06:17Calling all cars. Calling all cars.
06:19Calling all cars. Calling all cars.
06:21Go to 237 Mulberry Street.
06:23An old maid found a burglar in her room.
06:25Proceed with caution.
06:27The old maid is armed.
06:32Well, Costello, you're catching on to your job fast.
06:35Oh, my darling, I'm glad I found you here.
06:38I have news for you. I just picked up a cent.
06:41Here's nine cents more. Grab a bus and get out of town.
06:43Nah. Cut that out, Costello.
06:45My wife may be in trouble.
06:47Oh, that's right, buddy dear. Something terrible has just happened.
06:50What did he do? Find your birth certificate?
06:56Costello, pay attention to my wife.
06:58As the sheriff of Vinceno, it's your duty to hear her out.
07:01Well, if it'll make you happy, I'll throw her out.
07:04Never mind him, dear. Let's hear your story.
07:06Well, for the last couple of nights, there's been a lot of strange noises.
07:09Screams and gunshots coming from that empty house next door to us.
07:12Suddenly, at 2 o'clock in the morning,
07:15as I was standing by the stove baking fudge...
07:17Screams!
07:19What happened? What happened?
07:21Oh, she burned her fudge.
07:27Oh, no. I saw a mysterious man peering out of the attic window.
07:31He made an ugly face at me like this.
07:33No, no. Don't do that.
07:35I haven't made the face yet.
07:36How can I tell?
07:38Quiet, Costello. This may be more serious than you think.
07:41That's the mysterious man!
07:44Costello, look! It's Bello Lugosi.
07:50Gee, Bello Lugosi.
07:53Just a minute, Costello. Mr. Lugosi.
07:56I am the chairman of the Committee for Crime Prevention in Vinceno.
07:59Now, just what is the nature of your complaint?
08:02Well, I'll put it in a simple language that even a moron can understand.
08:07Step aside, Abbott. He's talking to me.
08:10Now, listen, Lugosi. I'm the sheriff around here, and I'm going to ask you some questions.
08:14Now, what were those screams in your house at midnight?
08:18That was my business.
08:20And what about those gunshots?
08:22That's my business.
08:23Ask him about those dead bodies in the basement.
08:26He's also my business.
08:28This guy is doing a heck of a business.
08:31That settles it, Costello.
08:33You, as sheriff, will have to investigate and search Lugosi's house tonight at midnight.
08:38You will like the house, Costello.
08:41It's the only house in Vinceno where every room has a bat.
08:49And a strange man should suddenly appear with a long, sharp knife in his hand and offer to cut your throat.
08:57Yes?
08:58Refuse him.
09:02Abbott, take back the badge. I don't want to be sheriff anymore.
09:06Get me out of here now, Abbott.
09:27Well, Costello, here we are at Bella Lugosi's house.
09:30Abbott, Abbott.
09:32Look, there's a casket in the corner with rubber sheets in it.
09:36Rubber sheets in it?
09:37Yes. I line all my caskets with rubber sheets.
09:40So the rain can't get in.
09:43Why?
09:45My beer is the dry beer.
09:54Hey, Costello, look at that funny-looking machine over there in the corner.
09:58That's my Sears machine. On that, I manufacture robots.
10:02Get it, Abbott? Sears are robots.
10:13One of you will soon be dead.
10:21One of you will soon be dead.
10:24Which one?
10:25Don't be so choosy.
10:30Abbott, I'm getting out of here. I don't like the looks of this place.
10:33Look at the grandfather's clock in the corner.
10:35Oh, lots of people have grandfather's clocks.
10:38With their grandfathers hanging in it like a pendulum?
10:46Never mind that, Costello.
10:48Question Lugosi about the house.
10:50Mr. Lugosi, where is the former owner of this house?
10:53Do you see the pile of freshly-dug dirt in the corner?
10:56Yes, sir.
10:57Well, that's not a vegetable garden.
11:02Hmm, that's strange.
11:05I thought I felt a draft on my neck.
11:08What's strange about that?
11:11I have no neck.
11:17Mr. Lugosi, what are you whispering for?
11:21I was born in a library.
11:26I had to stay there six months.
11:28How come?
11:30My father lost his card.
11:36Hey, look, Costello.
11:38There's a skeleton in this room.
11:45Abbott, there's two skeletons in this room.
11:48Two skeletons?
11:49Yeah, I just jumped out of my skin.
11:52Hey, Abbott, look.
11:54Lugosi has just disappeared through that wall.
11:56Pardon me, Abbott.
11:57I want to see somebody outside.
11:58Who?
11:59Me.
12:00Come back here, Costello.
12:02You're dead.
12:03Why don't you sing?
12:04Go ahead and sing.
12:05It'll keep up your courage.
12:06Carry me back to old Virginia.
12:10You keep singing like that and they'll drag you back.
12:13Who are you?
12:14I'm a ghost.
12:16I'm the ghost of Richard the Lion-Hearted.
12:19Who are you?
12:20I'm Costello the Chicken-Livered.
12:23Costello is a sheriff and we've got to investigate this house.
12:26Why don't you start in the cellar?
12:27Here.
12:28I'll open the door for you.
12:29You can go right down those stairs.
12:37Costello, where are you?
12:39Down in the cellar, Abbott.
12:40But look out for that first step.
12:41It's a Lulu.
12:44All right, Costello.
12:45Here I am.
12:46I'll turn on this flashlight and we'll take a look around.
12:48Abbott, quick.
12:49Look over there.
12:50There's a body on the floor.
12:52Is he dead?
12:53I can't tell.
12:54His head is missing.
12:57I'm getting out of here, Abbott.
12:58Costello, what are we?
12:59Mice or men?
13:00I don't know about you, but I'm glad there's no cat around.
13:08Look.
13:09Mila Lugosa is back.
13:11Costello, it is indeed regrettable that you choose to prowl around in my cellar.
13:18I'm in a bloodthirsty mood.
13:21So far this week, I've only killed nine people.
13:25This guy sounds like a California driver.
13:30Just a minute, Lugosa.
13:32Costello's the sheriff of this town and you've got a dead man lying down here in your cellar.
13:37Yes, I know.
13:38He lives here.
13:40But he's dead.
13:42He's dead, I tell you.
13:44Why don't you throw him out?
13:46I can't.
13:47His rent is paid off if you do him first.
13:54Come on, Costello.
13:55We've got to continue with the search.
13:57Well, I'll go ahead with your search.
13:59If you want me, I'll be in the morgue lying on my slab.
14:05That's where I'm happiest.
14:07I'm lying on my slab.
14:10Don't look now, Abbott, but I think he's a little slab happy.
14:17Come on, Costello.
14:18Let's look in this room.
14:19Open the door.
14:35Costello!
14:36What in the world was that?
14:38I don't know and I ain't getting down off this channel here to find out.
14:44Come on down here, Costello.
14:45Hey, look.
14:47I just found a secret closet.
14:49Let's open it.
14:50Now, don't touch that door, Costello.
14:52Look at that sign.
14:53It says,
14:54This closet has never been opened in over 175 years.
14:58I don't believe that.
15:00I'm going to open it.
15:02To arms! To arms!
15:03The British are coming! The British are coming!
15:09Costello!
15:10Costello, where are you?
15:12I'm hiding over here.
15:13I'm going to crawl out from under that bed.
15:16Okay.
15:18Now, I wonder who put that piggy bank under here.
15:29Hey, look, Costello.
15:30There's a panel sliding open in that wall.
15:34Ah, gentlemen.
15:36How can I ever thank you?
15:38You've released me from a hypnotic spell that I've been under for over a thousand years.
15:43Oh, Abbott.
15:44She's beautiful.
15:46Tell me, miss.
15:47Are you a mummy?
15:48Oh, no.
15:49I'm not even married.
15:54Gee, you're lovely.
15:55Where did you come from?
15:57I remember coming here on Noah's Ark.
15:59With all the animals.
16:00They all came in pairs.
16:02The birds came in pairs.
16:04The rabbits came in pairs.
16:06Did everything come in pairs?
16:08Everything but the worms.
16:09They come in apples.
16:17What are you two doing here?
16:19Well, we're trying to solve the secrets of this house.
16:22I can help you.
16:23I know this house.
16:24I've got the inside.
16:26I've got the inside.
16:28Eh, what you've got on the outside ain't bad either.
16:35Be careful.
16:36Be careful.
16:37You didn't have enough material, eh?
16:38Hello.
16:40Hello.
16:44No, Lou.
16:45Lou, be careful.
16:46This girl is a vampire.
16:48She may be dangerous.
16:50Besides, she's a thousand years old.
16:52You ought to be able to handle a rabbit.
16:54She's the same age as your wife.
16:57Which one of you gallant gentlemen opened that panel and released me?
17:02I did.
17:03Ah, I'm going to reward you.
17:06Come, put your arms around me.
17:16There, how was that?
17:18Rabbit, this kid is more than a thousand years old.
17:24Ah, you're very sweet.
17:25You remind me of an actor I used to go with 500 years ago.
17:29Really?
17:30You went with an actor 500 years ago?
17:32What was his name?
17:33Al Jolson.
17:40Hey, what's that?
17:42Oh, it's, it's Lugosi coming back.
17:44She mustn't find me here.
17:46I've got to get back behind my panel.
17:48But before I go, you may take my hand and kiss it.
17:57Castello, what are you doing?
17:58I'm kissing her hand.
17:59But Castello, the girl is gone.
18:01She's gone back behind that panel.
18:03Now wasn't she sweet?
18:04She gave me her hand to kiss.
18:05I've got her hand and I'm holding it in mine and she's gone.
18:08Now isn't that...
18:12She's gone?
18:13Come on, I've still got her hand after that.
18:16Quiet!
18:17What are you trying to do?
18:19Wake up the living?
18:26Oh!
18:34Castello!
18:35Castello!
18:36It's fellow Lugosi.
18:37He's coming towards us.
18:38Well, Sheriff Costello, I've got to go now before I get into trouble with the police.
18:43Are you afraid of the police because you killed those nine people last week?
18:47No, it's not that.
18:48Are you afraid of the police because of the vassally crimes you've committed?
18:52No, it's not that.
18:53Then why are you afraid of the police?
18:55Yes, why?
18:56Why do you have to leave here so suddenly?
18:58I just remembered I left my car park one hour's own and you know those Los Angeles cops.
19:05Good night, Mr. Costello.
19:08Good night, Mr. Lugosi.
19:10Isn't he a lovely chap, Castello?
19:13Yes, he sure is.
19:14I'd like to have known him when he was alive.
19:16Good night, everybody.
19:24Listen each Wednesday night at this time for another great Abbott & Costello show
19:28produced and transcribed in Hollywood by Charles Banda
19:30and featuring Susan Miller and Matty Malnick's Orchestra.
19:33This is Michael Roy saying goodbye until this same time next Wednesday.