Have I Got News for You S68E03
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00:00humour
00:01Hello, I'm Phil Wang. Um, I lost I was gonna be back last time. I was here. I hosted so I guess that went well
00:30I'm Professor Hannah Fry in the news this week as he plums the depths of reality TV
00:55Matt Hancock's triumph on Celebrity Does My Head Fit In There proves to be a hollow victory
01:11As the daily regime of exercise begins there are complaints of cruelty at Battersea Dog's Home
01:16And as Taylor Swift announces new dates at Wembley there's already high demand for tickets
01:37On Ian's team tonight is a comedian and amazingly another mathematician
01:42Really he doesn't half look like one
01:53On Paul's team tonight is a presenter whose TV career began with the phrase
01:57I'll take one from the top two from middle and two from the bottom. It's like Keir Starmer picking out free shoes
02:03Please welcome Harold Vorderman
02:10Okay, we're going to begin with the bigger news stories of this week Ian and Phil have a little look at this
02:15All right, that's frozen cabinet a few pensioners in there
02:20Live footage from the treasury. Yeah, there's nothing left. Oh, it's a machine. It's Labour's new chief of staff
02:27Well, this is the budget it is the budget we're still waiting for it. Yes, we are right there we go next
02:35Oh, you want some speculation go on. Well, I reckon there's going to be a tax increase
02:39They have got this quite big black hole to fill and a black hole that's got bigger
02:43Do you know how big it is now? It's now 40 billion. It is it was 22 billion, which is a percentage rise of
02:49well almost double
02:52You're absolutely right though, but the government have leaked a lot of scare stories about how they're going to raise another 22 billion
02:57What is the latest tax rise that they've refused to rule out the employers national insurance rise?
03:03And they've said look it looks in the manifesto as though we said we won't raise national insurance
03:09But it turns out we said we won't increase employees
03:13Because we're not going to increase the number of people that we're going to have to pay
03:16We won't raise national insurance, but it turns out we said we won't increase employees
03:21National insurance, but we will increase employers
03:25So the difference of a single letter
03:28means
03:29They weren't lying
03:30But you said your difference of one letter, you know, that's the difference between uniformed police officers and uninformed police
03:38One letter
03:39Okay, what were the government pinning their hopes on to inject more money into the economy this week?
03:43They found a new way of defining what debt is
03:46And it's brilliant because it actually means that you don't owe what you think not the answer. I wanted a different answer
03:53Not the non-doms not the non-doms the private investment summit. That was the oh, yes
03:58I want the answer i've got down on the car. Yeah. Yeah. Okay professor. Thank you
04:04You think you might get a little latitude around the answer
04:08You're thinking of geography there
04:11Different subject all together
04:13So they've uh hosted a big uh investment summit at the guild hall in london this week
04:18Yes, and they've got lots of investors in including p&o. They did
04:22They did which is a bit embarrassing. Why so?
04:25Well, because when they were in opposition
04:27They said p&o are a disgrace and they sack hundreds of workers and then rehire people on agency fees and they're abominable
04:34But now they're in government. They've said hello
04:37I'll take care once a free cruise
04:40Let's go to the bahamas, baby
04:43To be specific this was transport secretary louise haig who described p&o ferries as a cowboy operator
04:49And a rogue outfit. Yeah, because they've got a terrible employment record
04:53In 2022 they sacked 800 workers by text message and video link and then immediately rehired cheaper replacements from abroad
05:01So phil take over
05:12Do you know what the government did to try and woo the investors at this free biscuits
05:16Michelin star meal. I mean you're close. They did try and woo them with some quite delicious delicacies. They served amazing english food apparently
05:27Was it greg's
05:30Still on labor then. Yeah, but they did have elton john. They did have elton john
05:33He sang candle in the wind about liz truss. It was very
05:43Yeah
05:46What is health secretary wes streeting's radical plan to save the nhs
05:50He's gonna give people azempic jabs or you know, weight weight loss drugs to get them back to work
05:55Yeah, so, you know west reading is trying to fight inflation, too
06:00The theory is everyone is overweight in the entire country so you give everyone this jab they become slim they go to work
06:07Growth productivity we become the richest nation on earth and thin
06:12What could go wrong?
06:15You know, they're advertising azempic in the states now quite heavily. Do you know what classic british pop song they're using to advertise it?
06:22Oh
06:23I'm too sexy for myself
06:26No, okay, give us a clue. All right, i'll tell you what i'll just i'll play you the clip. Okay. Yeah
06:30Looking to get back in your type 2 diabetes zone once weekly. Ozempic can help
06:42Did that ad say are you trying to get back into type 2 diabetes
06:47Is that the state of the health of americans? Are they trying to get back to diabetes? Yeah, that's an improvement
06:53What has labor mp patrick hurley begun a campaign for it's freddo's it's freddo's freddo's
07:00They've been getting smaller and smaller. They absolutely have is he saying make freddo's big again?
07:06What are they what are they
07:09Talking
07:11As the packet illustrates they're frogs covered in chocolate we had frodo's they were talking themed
07:20It's all about to reduce the price rather than make them bigger
07:23According to the eye the freddo has been used informally as a measure of inflation
07:28But did you see that donald trump has been using a similar economic model tic-tac?
07:34Oh, dear
07:35Yes, let's have a look at this. This is tic-tacs, right?
07:38I
07:40Don't know if I like the company i've never met. I have no idea. They're so lucky
07:44They said look at all the television is like this is the greatest commercial they ever had
07:50But that's what happened this is inflation this is tic-tac this is this is inflation
08:02So you do your lectures like that your math of course I do
08:06A freddo big small. Yeah, do you reckon his advisors said you need to do more on tiktok?
08:20This is the budget and the probability that a manifesto promise will be broken
08:24Talking about the money rachel reaves hopes to raise with the budget the institute for fiscal studies said 40 billion is a big number
08:34Not to us
08:36Where's streetting this week outlined a stark future for the nhs
08:40reform or die
08:42Reform or die also the choice currently facing disillusioned tories
08:47Okay, paul and carol. You have a look at this. Yes
08:50Oh, this is the world championship conquer championships, isn't it? Yes, uh, there is the now the world champion. Yeah
08:57Controversial it's all gone bonkers with the conquerors
09:00There is a ridiculous piece of visual imagery, so it's a big big conker story
09:07It is a bit and he had a steel conker in his pocket still conquering still conquering your pocket
09:12Yeah, i'll just show you a picture of him. Here. He is david. Jenkins. Do you know what his nickname is david the cheat jenkins?
09:18No, he's not king conker king
09:21Exactly, right
09:23Some people say they've accused him of having a steel conker conker made of metal. Yeah robo conker
09:29Yeah
09:30Why would you have a steel conker in your pocket? Yeah, exactly
09:34Unless you'll be going out on a date later on
09:37We should point out there that king conker does deny all of these allegations
09:50Do you have any idea how the sun put it in their headline I used the word bonkers earlier does that crop up
09:55Uh, it is conker plonker use steel nut to conquer
10:00And what was king conker's defense for having a metal conker luck it was for luck
10:04It was he had no intention of using it. He found it. It fell off a steel tree
10:10Didn't he say he wanted to show it to kids
10:12Yeah, he told bbc news that he had it in his pocket to amuse children, which of course led to a different kind of investigation
10:21I was um, I just I don't want to brag those brag though, but 1969 that's not a brag. No
10:271969 yeah, two great things happened man landed on the moon first time and I became the junior conker champion in real
10:42What's a conker tips down conker tips two minutes vinegar two minutes in the oven low heat
10:48Isn't human urine meant to be quite good?
10:50For what for making the for making?
10:54A pair of teeth. Yeah
10:57There is some advice for finding a good conker using a farmyard animal. Anyone want to guess what that is a pig?
11:03It is a pig. Do you know what you do with it like a truffling pig?
11:06In the guardian my godfather won the championships twice a conker champion said and he used to say that the best conker was one
11:13That had been passed through a pig
11:15Was that a long piece of string?
11:21Otherwise he's gonna chew it up well, it depends which end you start with
11:27Ha ha ha ha
11:33I stand corrected. Yeah, you should see how the pig stands
11:44This is the cheating scandal that's threatening to destroy the good reputation of the world conker championships
11:49The women's competition was won by an american kelsey born shabak
11:54Which coincidentally is the closest joe biden has come to saying kemi bade knock
12:01Here is another one of the competitors at this year's world conker championships and he'll be back on the news on january the 6th
12:07storming the capital if trump loses again
12:11And so to round two the venn diagram of news. Oh, excellent. Okay fingers on buzzer seems here is your first one
12:24We know this don't we you do I don't yeah
12:27Well, it wasn't the space shuttle, but it was the starship elon musk space x rocket program
12:33Did you cry when it came back in? So the right the heavy rocket booster?
12:38Came up and you're watching on the screen like the starship itself going off and accelerating like
12:4617 000 miles an hour. Yes, and at the same time. Yes, you're watching the heavy booster come back down to it
12:52No, and it's got these mechanical
12:59And there it is yes back where it took off so it was a total waste of time then
13:07It was actually quite remarkable and look at this
13:09Oh
13:28On the subject of things falling perfectly in place
13:31Would you like to see a video of a very lucky woman in india? Yes. Oh should just tell you that everyone was fine. Okay, okay
13:39Oh
13:54Is she actually inside that yeah, that's a lot more impressive than elon musk
14:02As the man came out and said I think it's come from up there
14:10What was the point of the musk thing
14:12It's basically a big recycling project essentially so they can reuse these rocket boosters not just have them fall into the sea
14:17Yeah, um, which hopefully will make up for the 700 000 gallons of fuel a second that they have to burn to get out there in
14:24The first place. Yeah, I used to have a car like that
14:29I wish elon musk would invent a rocket that could get his head out of donald trump's ass
14:40Fingers on buzzer teams
14:46Yes at a recent rally trump instead of uh talking he danced and played music for about 40 minutes straight and
14:55people were
14:57Not disappointed actually
15:02Um, let's have a little look
15:09See there are times when you think artificial intelligence might be better. Yeah
15:24He dances like a conservative member of parliament times do spare a thought for the poor guy standing behind him
15:31So
15:37He's gone gray during this performance
15:41Also, he said uh on uh, wednesday, I think it was in front of a room full of women audience of women
15:46He said I am the father of ivf
15:50Which nobody quite knows what he meant by that
15:53He literally said this week political opponent. Yes of his should be. Um dealt with by the military. Yes
16:00And their opponents including democrats, that's the other party. Yes all opposition
16:05Come the election should be locked up. Yes, everyone goes. Oh donald
16:10You're so funny
16:13He told his supporters the other day that they should all come out and vote on january the 5th. Yeah
16:18Which would be a good idea because that's two months after
16:22the actual date
16:24This week donald trump also gave an explanation for his uh, rambling style of speaking
16:30Have a look at this, you know, I do a thing called a weave
16:33and there are those that are fair that say
16:36This guy is so genius and then others would say oh he rambled. I don't ramble
16:41If I saw the story what you do is you weave things and you do it
16:47Wow a weave I thought that was what he was wearing
16:50Okay
16:52Despite all of this trump does appear to be making gains in the polls. Um, what controversy has kamala harris found herself in this week?
16:59That's about a speech of hers contained material from martin luther king
17:04It was about a toddler saying what would you like most and says freedom?
17:08And it was the same anecdote exactly right. She'd been accused of plagiarizing. Oh, dear. She remembered an incident
17:15Which other people have remembered?
17:17Hmm before is that her version of I have a dream? Yeah, I remembered an incident
17:24Doesn't quite have the same ring to it, does it?
17:27In other international news, what is the u.s government's latest declaration regarding the conflict in the middle east?
17:33It's finally said can you stop doing this to israel?
17:37And it's been saying it half-heartedly for about a year
17:40Yeah, and uh saying you've got to stop that now or we'll do absolutely nothing
17:45And this time they've said we're going to stop arms
17:48Um coming in unless you allowed aid into gaza and amazingly that night a hundred trucks rolled
17:56Straight into northern gaza. So the americans could do something, but they haven't now
18:00Okay, there's obviously been a lot of activity going on at the un surrounding the middle east crisis
18:04Yes, but did you see the president of haiti making a speech there recently? No
18:10period okay
18:13Respect
18:19Maybe he's very small. We don't know
18:23This is the news that with just a few weeks to go till the u.s
18:26Election donald trump has turned to dance to get his message across presumably. Thanks to his new campaign manager. Giovanni from strictly
18:42Hmm
18:46Okay fingers on buzzers teams
18:52Oh, yes, the uh, the press have concocted a scandalous idea that a german man should not uh be managing the english football team
18:59Although nobody made a fuss when a dutch woman managed the women's european team that won
19:03So thomas tuchel has been made manager of the england football team and some people are very angry about it because uh, he's german
19:10But those same people don't seem to have any problem with the ancestry of our royal family. I mean quite yes
19:17You're right. The reaction to this hasn't exactly been warm. Uh, when you say some people who do you mean?
19:22I mean, obviously us football fans are pretty committed
19:27I mean phil and I have talked about very little else
19:34The only story I saw about this was nigel farage said it was a disgrace
19:39So I knew where I stood
19:43Nigel farage's wife is german. His wife is german coming over here stealing our reform leaders
19:54How have the germans reacted anyone know, uh, they sort of laughed
19:58Uh, well german newspaper build says the motherland of football is getting german dad
20:04Of course for many england fans look harping on about the second world war with old hat. Yes this tweet here proved
20:13Tuchel, you're the one churchill bombed your mum football's coming home again
20:20I don't want to be a pedant, but it'd be grandmother. Wouldn't it? It would be grandmother. Yes, absolutely
20:24Churchill didn't actually bomb anybody. No, he was at home at the ten downing street
20:28He needed to be he wasn't flying lancasters across germany. No, no, that would have been a strategic error
20:34Okay
20:36Some other german news this week german news. Yeah, great german news. Yeah, do you know what upset opera goers in stuttgart?
20:42It's a crazy opera. It's a very controversial opera. It is. It's sexy and weird
20:47Oh, it is people watching sancta. This is at the stuttgart opera house
20:51And they were treated to a performance including copious amounts of blood live piercing excrement
20:57Unsimulated sexual intercourse and naked nuns on roller skates
21:03Were the roller skates necessary being spanked by jesus
21:08Would you like to see what this looked like? Yeah, I think we have to yeah, I think we do
21:20Why is that woman got a barcode on her upper thigh
21:24What is
21:26Unsimulated sexual intercourse they want to promise you this is real. Yeah, this is real eight shows a week
21:42I'd go on the monday matinee if I were you
21:45Yeah
21:53This is the news that the england men's football team now has a german manager
21:57The new manager of england has described himself amongst other things as a german vegetarian
22:03That's good. When was the last time a german vegetarian caused us any problems?
22:09Okay time now for the odd one out round just one between you this week your four are yes
22:14A quantus flight from sydney to tokyo. Mm-hmm. Malcolm kenyatta the number plate
22:20To25 pot and judy dench's parrot
22:23The number plate to25 pot could be regarded as toss pot. Mm-hmm
22:29I would guess that judy dench's parrot probably swears and on the flight the uh, sydney to tokyo flight
22:36This was where they accidentally, uh showed a rude movie. It was a night at the opera apparently
22:42So the sh kenyatta was his first name he's called malcolm he was on question time
22:47Was he and he got some english slang wrong? They've all been rude apart from him. Ian is basically right here
22:53So it's that they have all been unexpectedly rude apart from democrat malcolm kenyatta who tried to be rude and failed. Oh
23:02So he was appearing on a us election special of question time during which an audience member said the word
23:08Bollocks and trying to get in on the joke
23:10Uh malcolm had a go but he didn't quite get it right have a little listen to this
23:14And so this idea that we have not unleashed american energy is to use the word twice on question time bullets
23:21It's bollocks
23:28He's made a bit of a cunt of himself there, hasn't he?
23:37Please continue. Yeah
23:40professor
23:43Bowel, please. Hannah. Yeah
23:48What does the parrot say the parrots, uh, well anyone want to guess well any yorick skull must indicate that the parrot sort of
23:56Misrepresent shakespearean speeches by putting rude words into them. Hmm
24:00Uh, it's a bit simpler than that
24:01Yeah, jane judy revealed this week that her parrot once turned to her carer barbara during home visit and said you're a slang
24:10Foreign
24:15I was gonna do a polionius joke from hamlet. Yeah. Thank you very much
24:22Why are you thanking them for that stunned silence
24:26It was appreciation
24:29Why has the number plate to25 p.o.t been banned tosspot
24:34This is one of 250 number plates that are deemed too rude for the road by
24:41If you're driving behind a car and it's got to25 pot, are you so triggered by that? I mean, it's just nonsense, isn't it tosspot?
24:48Oh, well, i'm only making a point
24:52I'm sorry that I didn't do maths
24:58All right, how did the passengers on that quantus flight from sydney to tokyo get more than they bargained for
25:02They watched the uh, they saw a dirty film. They did. Do you know the story?
25:06Uh, there's not much of a plot to be honest
25:10And
25:12Pizza delivery man knocks at the door
25:15So the in-flight entertainment was broken on this plane, so passengers had to vote for a film
25:20To be shown on every screen on the plane and according to the guardian the majority chose the sexually explicit 18 rated
25:28daddio
25:30According to the guardian one traveler says I have never seen 40 minutes of penis and boobs on a plane before
25:36Obviously, they've never flown ryanair from luton to magaluf
25:41The
25:43Time now for the missing words round and we start with
25:47Elton john shocks red carpet by turning up what?
25:51with a life
25:56No, this is elton john shocks red carpet by turning up in a necklace made of his own kneecap. Oh
26:04Here he is i'm still standing
26:11Oh
26:16Next shock after what caught speeding in germany joseph goebbels
26:24You weren't expecting that in a topical newspaper is it ayman holmes roller skating none
26:32It is shock after cookie monster caught speeding in germany the cookie monster was spotted speeding in dortmund germany here he is
26:40that's
26:48That's a cctv shot there from a camera presumably on sesame strata
26:54Lastly queen camilla thinks what is dreadfully common charles
27:03It's using a fish knife is dreadfully common
27:07Applying makeup in public is also frowned upon according to one etiquette expert grooming is a private thing
27:13Until you get caught and end up on a desert island on channel five
27:19I noticed you chose the itv presenter rather than the bbc one
27:25Yes
27:28Plethora of people to choose from and all together, isn't it? There are we could have gone any number of ways. Yeah. Hugh knows
27:36Us
27:38Have I got hughes for you
27:43So the final scores are ian and phil have five and paul and carol have five
27:55On which note we say thank you to our panelists ian hislop and phil wang paul merton and carol vorderman
28:01And I leave you with news that on a delayed flight to rome
28:05There is polite applause for one passenger's rendition of britney spears's. Oops. I did it again
28:13As he scans the arrivals at a g8 summit in washington joe biden mutters
28:18I hope that really boring guy from the uk isn't going to be here
28:24And in devon one farmer reveals his unusual method for coring a pumpkin
28:31Good night
28:44Have I got news for you u.s
28:46Has the stateside take on the presidential election press rate to watch now on iplayer
28:51What sounds how social media is shaping the u.s election and influencing voters?
28:56Listen to why do you hate me?
29:01You