Two teenage yoga enthusiasts team up with a legendary man-hunter to battle with an ancient evil presence that is threatening their major party plans.
#movie #kevinsmith #Johnnydepp #lilydepp #austinbutler #harleyquinn #yogahosers #explore #comedy
#movie #kevinsmith #Johnnydepp #lilydepp #austinbutler #harleyquinn #yogahosers #explore #comedy
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00You
00:00:30You
00:01:00I
00:01:03Stole your socks. Yo, man, what's the matter with you? Sorry. I'll get it next time. I promise
00:01:11The only thing
00:01:17Lizard or take a chair. Damn. Come on girl. Watch the beat
00:01:30I'm too bad
00:01:33We've got
00:01:43Time we're always sleeping late the important things
00:02:00So
00:02:04It's plain to see we wear the crown
00:02:10We just want to have a festival fun Colleen girls just want to have fun. Hey, that's a song
00:02:30I'm so bad
00:03:00Oh
00:03:30You know, I don't have to come and beat the skins for you to believers shut up, you know, we love you it go wad
00:03:43I remember when he ripped off his shirt before and we saw his yummy. It could fall
00:03:46I nearly wrote a whole blog about it girl. Hashtag. It could God you did I did not not not not
00:03:57No
00:04:00No
00:04:01What's that noise? Oh
00:04:03No, do you two uncompromising rebel riot girls actually have to go back to work? Shut up a bodily function. Yeah
00:04:11Excuse me
00:04:13Condescending riot girls
00:04:14We'll take two packs of smokes
00:04:16Give me a bag of milk and I want you to throw in the best most exciting years of your life stuck behind the counter
00:04:22Hey, you're a dick a cabot. Oh, that's mean. I call you dick a bot. I
00:04:28Can't believe it took you this long to think of dick a bot
00:04:53Sorry
00:04:57Sorry
00:05:00Sorry
00:05:04Sorry
00:05:06That was a lot longer than 10 minutes. My best friend was having lady problems in the bathroom. Okay, may I shop?
00:05:16Sir pedophile in denial, so I'll see you guys Friday. I
00:05:23Said hey
00:05:27Oh
00:05:42True North's this week's issue of them and his pocky charms and um
00:05:49Oh
00:05:54My god, this is a boot you two
00:05:57Yes, ma'am, and we hate it
00:05:59It says here that you saved a man's life, but it's like dumb because the guy was a walrus not a manatee
00:06:05There's a big difference. Yeah a walrus has tusks and manatees don't did you know they call the manatee a sea cow?
00:06:12Moo, I'm utterly underwater. Hey, moo
00:06:15Moo that's for underwater cow. It's hysterical. That is funny. Yeah, come on Wayne
00:06:27Moo moo moo. I'm a loser. Hey
00:06:37Okay, that kid rules more of that less of everything else ever
00:06:44I
00:06:54Always here
00:06:57Stopping so basic. Oh, I got a gram the shit out of this
00:07:02The
00:07:08Little Colleen coalition the only sassy sexy sophomores in honors history rock in the smocks
00:07:17Where's the Pepto-Bismol
00:07:24Yeah, what's over there
00:07:27Sorry boot that he's such a sitcom. Yeah. Well we close in 20 minutes. So if he pukes you're cleaning it up
00:07:33Let me ask you something you ladies like working the Zed not at all customers make it suck. Yeah, you know, I wouldn't suck
00:07:41Colleen and Colleen with me in between
00:07:45The very definition of suck are the Colleens perchance working tomorrow not on a Friday night
00:07:52No way, we're off. Why I would like to invite you both to my party a senior party
00:08:00Now with two very cool sophomores
00:08:05May I have the honor of your number mademoiselle
00:08:23Oh
00:08:43a
00:08:48Grade 12 party with boys. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
00:08:52No, I am not about to let you go to a grade 12 party with boys, Colleen.
00:09:01It's just a grade 12 party. It's not the Nazi party.
00:09:05Senior boys only invite sophomore girls to parties for one thing.
00:09:09Well, me and Colleen don't do that.
00:09:11And even if we did, we have our periods this week.
00:09:14No, you don't, little liar.
00:09:16We're always in sync, and I don't get mine for two more weeks.
00:09:19Holy shit, you still get your period, Miss McKenzie?
00:09:24Mom, please, you have to let me go to this party.
00:09:26It's only the most important night of my entire life.
00:09:28No way.
00:09:29Just the thought of going to a grade 12 party
00:09:32has you lying to me about your menstrual cycle.
00:09:35And you know a woman's menstrual cycle is sacred, Colleen.
00:09:38I'm talking about the period blood of women.
00:09:42Please just let me go, Mom.
00:09:43I promise I won't sew on my gender ever again.
00:09:46On one condition, you bring something stabby.
00:09:50They get cute, they get cut.
00:09:52Holy shit.
00:09:54I call her the Moyle. She's my date knife.
00:09:56Thanks.
00:10:00So we start with pretentious frog.
00:10:04Pretentious frog.
00:10:06I only eat grass-fed flies.
00:10:09The dissatisfied customer.
00:10:12Dissatisfied customer.
00:10:16I don't like the product you've given me.
00:10:18Atlas shrugged. Atlas shrugged.
00:10:22We got Atlas, and then we shrug.
00:10:24Lasers from the wrists. Lasers from the wrists.
00:10:26Yoga fet. Yoga fet.
00:10:28Awkward conversationalist. We put our foot in the mouth.
00:10:30Foot in the mouth.
00:10:32Awkward dog. Awkward dog.
00:10:34Awkward dog.
00:10:36Foot in the mouth.
00:10:37Upward dog.
00:10:39Our favorite canine.
00:10:41Downward dog.
00:10:43And we go three-legged dog.
00:10:45That's sad. Three-legged dog.
00:10:47Look at that dog. But you know what's sadder?
00:10:49Two-legged dog, and he's in his little push cart,
00:10:52his little makeshift wheelbarrow,
00:10:54and he's pushing himself along.
00:10:56We push right into lotus position.
00:11:00And we feel positive energy all around us.
00:11:03And let's hold on to that positive energy in the room.
00:11:08But you know, I did read on the message boards at canadiancorpses.com
00:11:11that they've been finding body parts all over Winnipeg for the last few months.
00:11:17Body parts?
00:11:19Oh, yeah. Arms, legs, heads, scalps, torsos,
00:11:22feet, hands, nipples, dinkies.
00:11:25Dinkies?
00:11:27I say take my dinky first, but leave me my nipples.
00:11:30It's basically a vestigial dinky at this point.
00:11:33But you take my nipples, and that's my identity.
00:11:36There is some real negativity in the world, girls.
00:11:38But remember, negative space can still be a design asset
00:11:41as long as you live the yoga way and you breathe the yoga way.
00:11:45And yes, you even have to shit the yoga way.
00:11:47Seriously, sit in lotus position next time you're on the toilet.
00:11:50Everything just falls out of you like you're dumping a book bag.
00:11:54A book bag full of poo.
00:12:01Go.
00:12:06Okay, let me see.
00:12:10That one's cute. That one's cute.
00:12:12Don't post that one, though.
00:12:14Okay, yeah, you look basic.
00:12:16Whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:12:18What in the ham and eggs is this all about?
00:12:20It looks like a Vancouver hockey riot in here.
00:12:23What'd you do, rob a mall?
00:12:31Hi, Dad. Hi, Mr. Colette.
00:12:33What are you doing with all these clothes?
00:12:35We're in screaming outfits. Oh, yeah?
00:12:37Whatever gets the most likes. We were to the party tomorrow night.
00:12:39A grade 12 party.
00:12:41No!
00:12:43A grade 12 party already, eh?
00:12:45Ah!
00:12:47Oh, where did my little girl go?
00:12:50Aw, stop. You two are gonna make me cry.
00:12:53I'm back! Hey! Hey!
00:12:56That's gonna make me cry.
00:12:58Hey. Hey.
00:13:00Hey.
00:13:06I got a tongue. I bit you, eh?
00:13:10I got a bite.
00:13:17Oh, my God, it looks like a Vancouver hockey riot in here.
00:13:20I know, I know. What is this? What are you two doing?
00:13:23We're picking out their outfits for a party tomorrow.
00:13:25A grade 12 party.
00:13:27Oh!
00:13:29Big time, big time.
00:13:31Well, seniors now. I know.
00:13:33She's only supposed to go to sophomore mixers, I thought.
00:13:35Yeah, right. Come on, Tabs.
00:13:37We all know you can't think.
00:13:39Uh-huh. Okay, okay.
00:13:41When I went to count out the register tonight,
00:13:43the back room was a mess. Yeah?
00:13:45Call me. Okay.
00:13:47They can't be practicing in the back of the store anymore, Bob.
00:13:49Last year, they blew out the power with their amps.
00:13:52Yeah, it's bad enough the two of them are always with their faces
00:13:55and their phones behind the counter, but then they just go...
00:13:57Pretty faces, too. Pretty faces.
00:13:59Lock up the store and go play their so-called music
00:14:01in the back room with that pedder-ass loser doing...
00:14:03He's not a loser.
00:14:05God knows what else, eh?
00:14:07That's disgusting. Absolutely disgusting.
00:14:09And, like, who are we? You?
00:14:11Skeezing on losers is your superpower.
00:14:13This isn't skeezing, okay?
00:14:15I fell in love with your father
00:14:17after he made you manager.
00:14:19And as manager, you know what I've noticed?
00:14:21Where'd all the beaver stuffies go?
00:14:23Not the beavers.
00:14:25Oh, yeah.
00:14:27No, that's a big seller.
00:14:29They didn't sell them.
00:14:31I checked the receipts.
00:14:33You should check the receipts.
00:14:35Where'd all my beavers go?
00:14:37Frankly, Tabitha, I don't give a damn about your beavers.
00:14:41Goddamn deodorizers.
00:14:43Where's little Miss Wu manager going?
00:14:45We're just gonna go in our room,
00:14:47and we're just gonna go watch a movie, okay?
00:14:49Oh.
00:14:51Can you do me a favor?
00:14:53Can you just leave the door open, though?
00:14:59Love you, Dad!
00:15:01Hey.
00:15:03Close the door, Bob.
00:15:09All the way, Bob.
00:15:11She told me not to.
00:15:13God. She's the daughter, Bob, not the parent.
00:15:15You're in charge, not her.
00:15:17What do you want me to do, eh?
00:15:19That's my little girl.
00:15:21It's my little girl.
00:15:23I'm your little girl, Bob.
00:15:27Bob?
00:15:29Do you want to ride the Ferris wheel, Bob?
00:15:31Don't talk about the Ferris wheel.
00:15:33You want to go for a ride on the Ferris wheel?
00:15:35No. You want to jump in the bouncy house?
00:15:37You'll let me jump in the bouncy house?
00:15:39Twice.
00:15:41Okay!
00:15:49Ah!
00:15:51Oh, my God.
00:15:53What? You finished already?
00:15:55Oh, come on.
00:15:57I'm sorry.
00:15:59Sorry.
00:16:01What is she playing?
00:16:13I used to sing this to her
00:16:15when she was a baby.
00:16:19She's...
00:16:21She just remembers it.
00:16:31She just grew up so fast, you know.
00:16:39Because I'll be missed.
00:16:41I'll be missed.
00:16:43I'll be missed.
00:16:45Because I'll be missed.
00:16:47Because I'll be missed.
00:16:49And you'll...
00:16:51No, no, no, no.
00:16:53You know it's you, babe
00:16:55Whenever I get weary
00:16:57And I've had enough
00:16:59Feel like giving up
00:17:01You know it's you, babe
00:17:03Giving me the courage
00:17:05And the strength
00:17:07And the love
00:17:09And the love
00:17:11And the love
00:17:13The courage and the strength
00:17:15I need
00:17:17Please believe
00:17:19That it's true
00:17:25Babe, I love you
00:17:37Goddamn yoga hosers.
00:17:43Goddamn yoga hosers.
00:17:49You know it's you, babe
00:17:51Whenever I get weary
00:17:53And I've had enough
00:17:55Feel like giving up
00:17:57You know it's you, babe
00:17:59Giving me the courage
00:18:01And the strength
00:18:03I need
00:18:05Please believe
00:18:07That it's true
00:18:09You know it's you, babe
00:18:11Please believe, please believe that it's true, babe, I love you, babe, I love you, ooh, babe.
00:18:42Ladies, after. One, two, three.
00:18:57What a force. I can't believe they actually have the balls to try to call this yoga.
00:19:02I know.
00:19:07How are you, girls?
00:19:09Miss Wicklund, you photobombed us.
00:19:11Way hip, Miss Wick.
00:19:13What makes you two think that you can sit out my yoga class this morning?
00:19:23This isn't yoga. This is like a parody of yoga.
00:19:26And our yoga instructor gave us this note to give to you, Miss Wicklund.
00:19:34We have permission to sit out any time you do yoga here in phys-ed
00:19:37because it is when his teachings derail by what he calls
00:19:39the abortion of phys-ed yoga.
00:19:41Well, far be it me to argue with a stripped Moswami.
00:19:44Technically, he's a yogi, right?
00:19:47Technically? There's a school honor policy about camera phones and P.E.
00:19:51There is.
00:19:53Do any of you ladies want to be photographed by these two
00:19:56while you're all sweating like hags?
00:19:58No.
00:20:00I didn't think so.
00:20:01Is she talking about us?
00:20:03No, she's talking about the other two colleagues behind us.
00:20:05I'm talking about your entire generation.
00:20:08Generation Y-me, I call it.
00:20:13You live on your phones.
00:20:15You have no idea how to function like normal people in the real world.
00:20:18Miss Wicklund, this isn't the real world.
00:20:20This is Canada.
00:20:22What is that rating?
00:20:24Well, how about you save your cam-bashing sass for your tweets
00:20:27and your Facebookings
00:20:29and try clicking like on this, girls.
00:20:32No phones for the rest of the day!
00:20:36What?
00:20:38You can get them back at 2.45 after the last bell.
00:20:41Miss Wicklund, our phones are who we are.
00:20:43If you take away my phone like I'm some sort of pygmy in Monaco,
00:20:46who am I supposed to be?
00:20:48I feel like I'm gonna pass out.
00:20:49And now calling them is having hot flashes.
00:20:51You're in a new phone plan now, girls.
00:20:53Unlimited minutes, unlimited looks to the world around you,
00:20:57and no room in charges.
00:20:59So go roam without your phones.
00:21:02Here we go.
00:21:06Are you happy, Miss Wicklund? You killed Colleen.
00:21:08BELL RINGS
00:21:16Jim, come on. It wasn't hard.
00:21:18It's okay.
00:21:20Greetings, despairing scholars.
00:21:23Are you ready to go deep inside the annals of history?
00:21:30BELL RINGS
00:21:32We're still talking about World War II?
00:21:35Fascism, genocide,
00:21:38the worst thing that has ever happened to humankind.
00:21:41Why do we even gotta learn about this old stuff anyway, Miss Maurice?
00:21:45I mean, it happened, like, a million miles away, like a million years ago.
00:21:49Don't you?
00:21:51You all think history is so boring.
00:21:54Well, what if I told you
00:21:56during World War II, there were Nazis right here in Winnipeg.
00:22:01All of them making preparation for the day
00:22:03Hitler finally came to conquer Canada and the United States.
00:22:07There were Nazis here in Canada, Miss Maurice?
00:22:09Let's see.
00:22:11What can I tell you about Canadian Nazis?
00:22:14Well, many years back in the 1930s,
00:22:18there was a Great Depression in the true north.
00:22:20Canadians were hungry.
00:22:22Some turned their hunger into anger,
00:22:25and they looked for someone else to blame for the country's financial woes.
00:22:28And as a result, in Toronto,
00:22:31the first Swastika club opens.
00:22:34A pub full of drunks offering up anti-Semitic ravel
00:22:37about deporting Canadian Jews to the Hudson Bay.
00:22:40Wait, they wanted to send them shopping?
00:22:43Not to the Hudson Bay department store, Miss Colette.
00:22:46I'm talking about the actual Hudson Bay.
00:22:49Like, put them all in the water?
00:22:51That's just so wrong.
00:22:53The Canadian Union of Fascists was founded right here,
00:22:56in Winnipeg, by a Manitoban.
00:22:59And over in Quebec, you had the big kahuna of crazy himself,
00:23:02the naughtiest of all naught bars,
00:23:05Adrien Arcan, the self-proclaimed Canadian Führer.
00:23:09So this Arcan guy was, like, Canadian Hitler?
00:23:12Is that as bad as, like, Canadian Idol?
00:23:15Nothing's as bad as Canadian Idol.
00:23:17Right?
00:23:19Let me take you back to a time in Canadian history
00:23:22when our nation has tried so very hard to forget.
00:23:25In this trying time...
00:23:27Adrien Arcan was an anti-Semitic journalist in Montreal
00:23:30who spearheaded a series of fascist political movements in Quebec
00:23:34before the start of World War II.
00:23:37Why are you hungry?
00:23:40Why are you unemployed?
00:23:42Is it, as our ally in Germany, Adolf Hitler, tells us,
00:23:48the fault of the Canadian Jew?
00:23:51Oh, yes, it is!
00:23:54Now, Henry Hamilton Beamish suggests
00:23:57that to save Canada from ethnic ruin,
00:24:00we must send all Canadian Jews to Madagascar.
00:24:04Instead, we at the Parti National have a better plan.
00:24:12First, we will round up all Canadian Jews
00:24:17and ship them off to the Hudson Bay.
00:24:21Then we will fire cannons at their boats and sink them.
00:24:27Oh!
00:24:29Why are you not applauding?
00:24:31Naturally, these atrocious ideas were met with derisions
00:24:34from the good and mighty people of Quebec.
00:24:37But not everybody in attendance that day was from Quebec.
00:24:44Andronicus Arcane was a brilliant scientist from Berlin
00:24:47who was teaching at the University of L'Achute in Quebec
00:24:50when he first heard the clarion call of the Nazi Party.
00:24:54So Adrien Arcan took Andronicus Arcane under his wing.
00:24:58And soon there were more.
00:25:01These jack-booted thugs would torment immigrants
00:25:04and minorities throughout Montreal.
00:25:07They called themselves the National Unity Party of Canada.
00:25:12Which was a very polite way of saying Canadian Nazis.
00:25:19So whatever happened to these guys, Ms. Maurice?
00:25:22Did they ever get caught?
00:25:24In 1940, the Sûreté du Québec arrested Adrien Arcane.
00:25:28And under the War Measures Act, Arcane was locked up
00:25:32as a security threat to a home and native rights.
00:25:35He was sentenced to 10 years in prison.
00:25:38And he was sentenced to 10 years in prison.
00:25:41He was sentenced to 10 years in prison.
00:25:44And he was sentenced to 10 years in prison.
00:25:48He died in 1967, still believing Hitler would rise again.
00:25:52But what about the man from Berlin?
00:25:54Yeah, what about him?
00:25:56Andronicus Arcane?
00:26:01He was never found.
00:26:03Poof! He just disappeared.
00:26:06Poof?
00:26:08Perfect timing.
00:26:11Class dismissed.
00:26:18Oh, how basic.
00:26:21Straight from the A to Z, it's the Mountie McBeaver doll.
00:26:25Ew, where'd all my beaver stuffies go?
00:26:28Well, frankly, Tabitha, I don't give a damn about your beavers.
00:26:32Are you doing me?
00:26:35That's hysterical.
00:26:37I don't.
00:26:39Come on, isn't anybody on duty?
00:26:41Who's dropping a duty in my office?
00:26:45What a nice surprise.
00:26:47It's Lulu and Lemon.
00:26:49Good afternoon, Principal Invincible.
00:26:51Good afternoon, Colleen Squared.
00:26:53We're here for our phones.
00:26:55We haven't had them since P.E.
00:26:57Miss Wickland unjustly confiscated them,
00:26:59and Colleen here fainted.
00:27:01I passed out.
00:27:02Oh.
00:27:03We're not pressing charges or anything.
00:27:05We're not going crazy.
00:27:06We just want our phones back.
00:27:08Miss Wickland.
00:27:10Miss Wickland.
00:27:12We're not pressing charges or anything.
00:27:13We're not going crazy.
00:27:14We just want our phones back now, please.
00:27:16Oh, of course, girls.
00:27:18And I am so, so sorry that that happened to you.
00:27:21The sad tale of heart-wrenching woe.
00:27:25I mean, it could win an Oscar, really.
00:27:27You could write it up, sell it, and win an Oscar.
00:27:29Seriously.
00:27:30You could call it, um, 12 years a private school student.
00:27:34You see what I did there?
00:27:36I compared your privileged lives to slaves.
00:27:39That's weird.
00:27:41Because I'm black.
00:27:43That's not funny.
00:27:45Sorry, Principal Invincible.
00:27:49Here.
00:27:51And keep your faces out of your phones.
00:27:53I don't care if they do have a cool gummy rubber cover
00:27:55that you can personalize.
00:27:56We have the same case.
00:27:57I know.
00:27:58Very trendy, my friendy.
00:28:00Oh, ladies, I am an educator.
00:28:02It is my job to shape the minds of the young and the stupid.
00:28:06So I need to be able to think like the young and the stupid.
00:28:09Which means I'm not gonna let my students be cooler than me.
00:28:12I do my research.
00:28:14I read this rag weekly.
00:28:16Oh, my God.
00:28:17We read that every week.
00:28:19Oh, I know.
00:28:20The Famous People Are Just Like You page is the best.
00:28:22You know, when they, like, show celebrities doing normal things?
00:28:24Like, just like this.
00:28:25That is the best part of them weekly.
00:28:27One time, they showed Harry Styles buying bacon.
00:28:36It was so hot.
00:28:37So hot.
00:28:38Okay, all right, I need to run this school.
00:28:41Be good, Colleens, and be nice, all right?
00:28:44There's enough haters in the world already.
00:28:46Yes, Principal Invincible.
00:28:53Oh, my God.
00:28:55My phone's dead.
00:28:56My phone's dead.
00:28:57Oh, my God, my phone's dead.
00:28:59Children should not play with dead things.
00:29:06Bonjour.
00:29:08My name is Guy Larpointe.
00:29:17Righty-o, so the good news is
00:29:20your school library does indeed have a copy of my book.
00:29:25Guy Larpointe.
00:29:27And quite the queer case of the Manitoba manatee.
00:29:33The bad news is, regrettably,
00:29:36some naughty student has decided to deface it
00:29:40by changing the word gay and adding an A
00:29:44so that it says a gay.
00:29:48And also,
00:29:51they added a set of testicles right under my nose.
00:29:55You see that?
00:29:56You see that?
00:29:58With the kind of, you know, awful pokey hair
00:30:01that I don't know why sticking out of them.
00:30:05You can put it down now.
00:30:07Oh, okay.
00:30:09Haters have got to hate like the douches have to douche.
00:30:14That's the life right there in a nutshell.
00:30:17I'm not referring to that nutshell either.
00:30:22I don't know if you guys remember this,
00:30:24but, you know, we did meet once before, do you?
00:30:27Oh, we remember you.
00:30:28You do?
00:30:29Yeah, you came the A to Z
00:30:30with that American girl and that podcaster.
00:30:32Yeah, you're the legendary Manhunter from Quebec.
00:30:34Yes, I am that man.
00:30:36The man who saved the Winnipeg walrus.
00:30:38Wow, you know something?
00:30:40That's a very good title.
00:30:42Guy Larpointe and the Winnipeg walrus.
00:30:47Goddammit, I should have chose that title.
00:30:50But, you know, still, we did okay without it.
00:30:52I mean, one critic even described my book as like,
00:30:57you know, like a John Grisham-ish thriller
00:31:02who was set in Canada.
00:31:05That review I showed to my mother.
00:31:08Aw.
00:31:10You know, that was like the good one,
00:31:12and the rest of them were not so kind, you see.
00:31:15I read one from the Toronto paper that said,
00:31:19this is what happens when you publish a poop.
00:31:25People can be goddamn mean, you know.
00:31:29Sorry, that was very rude.
00:31:32Sorry.
00:31:33Right, on to my questions then.
00:31:35Do either of you recognize this very proud
00:31:40and quite hairy Canadian?
00:31:43That was that giant fart that called us yoga hosers.
00:31:46Oh, Toilet Paper Man.
00:31:48Yeah.
00:31:49Why Toilet Paper Man?
00:31:51Because he bought toilet paper.
00:31:53Oh.
00:31:54And for this reason alone,
00:31:55you call this man the Toilet Paper Man?
00:31:58Well, yeah.
00:31:59Yeah.
00:32:00I don't mean to be a critic.
00:32:02Maybe I do.
00:32:03Maybe you need to be heard.
00:32:04I'm telling you now,
00:32:05that is one of the stupidest names I ever heard in my life.
00:32:08Very unimaginative.
00:32:09That's pretty rude.
00:32:10Yeah.
00:32:11This man's name is DeFrancois Waugh.
00:32:14He's from Gatineau, Quebec,
00:32:17and he was a fugitive from the law,
00:32:20and he was hiding out right here.
00:32:23Hiding from what?
00:32:24He was hiding from the investigating prowess
00:32:27of the Soieté du Québec,
00:32:29which is kind of a joke,
00:32:31because, like, they couldn't find their own buttholes,
00:32:34even with, like, a butthole application on their telephone
00:32:37to find their butthole.
00:32:40Okay.
00:32:42I probably shouldn't say butthole
00:32:44to two 14-year-old girls.
00:32:46I'm so sorry.
00:32:47Or 15 1⁄2.
00:32:48Well, whatever.
00:32:52You sold a roll of 8Z discount brand bathroom tissue
00:32:58to the toilet paper man at what time?
00:33:02Right about closing.
00:33:03Yeah.
00:33:04He was all mad because we had the store closed
00:33:06for, like, five minutes,
00:33:07because we were going to the bathroom.
00:33:09You went to the bathroom together?
00:33:12Well, yeah.
00:33:13I had to poop, and I don't like to go alone there.
00:33:15The toilet's weird.
00:33:17So, while she's pooping,
00:33:20you're sitting there with her?
00:33:23Yeah, we're best friends.
00:33:25Yeah.
00:33:26Why would we not?
00:33:27That's quite disgusting.
00:33:31Best of luck on your academic journey.
00:33:35I don't know what you plan to do in life,
00:33:37but I can promise you that you won't need algebra.
00:33:40I knew it.
00:33:42Good day.
00:33:44Well, wait.
00:33:45What'd toilet paper man do?
00:33:47Oh.
00:33:54So, toilet paper man was, uh, killed.
00:33:59Oh, my God.
00:34:01He was cut into, like, 100 pieces.
00:34:04Ugh.
00:34:05No way.
00:34:06Well, anyway, you two girls with the same name,
00:34:08I thank you so much for your time,
00:34:11and I give you the au revoir
00:34:13that I should have given you before.
00:34:15I thank you.
00:34:17Okay.
00:34:22Ew, why did your dad text me, like, 37 times?
00:34:26Oh, my God, he's making us work tonight!
00:34:29You're going to Niagara Falls?
00:34:31Yep, cruising like a couple of Californians.
00:34:33How about that?
00:34:34Right now?
00:34:35Yeah.
00:34:36You can't leave.
00:34:37Oh, it's Niagara Falls, Colleen.
00:34:40When did this happen?
00:34:41Oh, Tabitha surprised me
00:34:42with an early birthday present this morning.
00:34:44Tabitha?
00:34:45Okay, you listen to me.
00:34:46I left you ten messages and a bushel of text.
00:34:48I'm sorry, but you got to work at the store tonight.
00:34:50We can't, actually.
00:34:51Yes, you can, Colleen.
00:34:52I'm because I cleaned it with your mom,
00:34:53and you're going to be staying with the McKenzie's
00:34:55until Sunday morning.
00:34:56Mr. Collett, we got invited to a grade 12 party tonight.
00:34:58Do you not remember?
00:34:59All I remember is Tabitha telling me something
00:35:01about flying to Niagara Falls,
00:35:03and after that, it is a blur of bliss.
00:35:07So heavy, Bob.
00:35:09Oh, oh.
00:35:10Get that for your life, the leopard print.
00:35:12I love the leopard print.
00:35:13Okay, girls, you're going to be working
00:35:14from 6 p.m. until closing,
00:35:16and don't forget to set the alarm
00:35:17before you lock up, okay?
00:35:18You did this on purpose, didn't you?
00:35:20You could have taken him any day,
00:35:22but you picked today just so we couldn't go to the party.
00:35:24I have no idea what you're talking about, Colleen.
00:35:29Goddamn, Diogo.
00:35:30Oh, I love you so much, Cauliflower.
00:35:32I love you so much.
00:35:33Listen, no boys.
00:35:34No boys.
00:35:35No boys.
00:35:36No boys.
00:35:37No boys.
00:35:38No boys.
00:35:39Okay, I gotta go.
00:35:40Dad!
00:35:41Dad!
00:35:42Dad!
00:35:43Dad, you can't leave.
00:35:44Dad!
00:35:45Dad, we have to...
00:35:46Babe, I'm leaving.
00:35:47I must be on my way.
00:35:49No!
00:35:50Please believe me.
00:35:51My heart is in your hands.
00:35:53And now...
00:35:54Aah!
00:35:55Oh, my God!
00:35:57No.
00:35:58No.
00:35:59No, no, no.
00:36:00Oh, you are killing me.
00:36:01Do you understand me?
00:36:02Killing me!
00:36:04Bark all you want, Lawyer Pants USA.
00:36:06I am not ceasing or desisting.
00:36:08Oh, is that so?
00:36:10Well, I think you're being rather obtuse and super fruity.
00:36:13So let's just say namaste and leave it at that, eh?
00:36:16Namaste.
00:36:18Piece of beaver shit.
00:36:21Beaver shit.
00:36:24Uchaya.
00:36:26Uchaya.
00:36:29Sorry, girls.
00:36:31I am so sorry you girls had to hear that parasite stealing my energy with his legal entitlement.
00:36:37Why does that lawyer from Warner Brothers even keep calling you Yogi Bear?
00:36:40Oh, who knows?
00:36:41He says there's some cartoon character that I'm violating.
00:36:44I mean, how can you violate a cartoon?
00:36:46How can you own a cartoon, right?
00:36:48Yeah.
00:36:49It's like a thing that doesn't exist.
00:36:51It's like owning a leprechaun.
00:36:53Rude.
00:36:54So rude.
00:36:55Okay, let's get back into it.
00:36:57Enough Saskatoon-ing.
00:36:59Let's get back into our warrior one.
00:37:04Up to perfection, Colleen C.
00:37:06Namaste.
00:37:08Hold that pose, Colleen M.
00:37:09Hold it.
00:37:11Warrior two.
00:37:12Namaste.
00:37:16Come and get me now, you serenity stealers.
00:37:20All you need to handle any situation in life are the warrior one and warrior two positions, girls.
00:37:25Okay.
00:37:26Master those and you will master anyone who gives you shit.
00:37:29Cool.
00:37:30Now let's go lotus for our closing meditation.
00:37:32Yoga teaches us to take what the universe gives and what?
00:37:37Embrace it?
00:37:38Nope.
00:37:39Fight against it.
00:37:40We fight against it.
00:37:42Yoga demands that we grab the universe by the throat and we just choke it until it bends to our will.
00:37:49We inflict yoga on our enemies until they join us in peace.
00:37:52Always be peaceful change, girls.
00:37:55But if you have to, you destroy everything that threatens anyone or anything that you love by hook or by crook.
00:38:01That's the yoga way.
00:38:03Wow.
00:38:05Please join me in a final prayer.
00:38:09Yoga fet. Yoga fet.
00:38:12Yoga fet. Yoga fet.
00:38:15Yoga fet. Yoga fet.
00:38:18Yoga fet.
00:38:19And sorry not sorry.
00:38:22Confetti thing.
00:38:25Caller, go ahead.
00:38:27Hey, Bob, big fan and first time caller.
00:38:30Hey, pack of true north menthol.
00:38:34Yes.
00:38:35What is that?
00:38:36Which one are you worried about?
00:38:38Those are lights.
00:38:39Sorry, boot that.
00:38:43You know, girls, that's just not very Canadian.
00:38:49Come on, Robin, let's get out of here.
00:38:51When is one's virginity technically lost?
00:38:56Like, when, you know, what is the process when you're going through the sex process of losing virginity?
00:39:03That process.
00:39:04How can one come out at the end of this feeling?
00:39:13Hunter's calling.
00:39:14So answer.
00:39:16Hello?
00:39:17Colleen McKenzie!
00:39:20Hunter!
00:39:22Where are you at?
00:39:23You're missing a killer grade 12 party over here.
00:39:27Please don't hate us, but we got called into work tonight.
00:39:30Well, that sucks.
00:39:31Yeah, it really sucks because there's, like, nobody here tonight either.
00:39:36Holy shit.
00:39:38What?
00:39:39We got called into work.
00:39:42Shit.
00:39:43What?
00:39:44We could have a party right here.
00:39:54Hunter, hello, this is Colleen C.
00:39:56We unfortunately cannot make it to your party tonight, but we want to invite you to another party.
00:40:01I hate sex!
00:40:04Hold on, this shit's loud.
00:40:06Let me go over to the bedroom so I can hear.
00:40:09Stupid.
00:40:11Stupid.
00:40:13You want me to bring the party to you guys?
00:40:17Won't your dad flip if we're drinking beers in the Zed?
00:40:20Oh, don't you worry about that.
00:40:22My dad's long gone in Niagara Falls with the store manager.
00:40:25And bring beers.
00:40:26We don't have any booze here.
00:40:28Did you say booze?
00:40:30Booze up, booze up!
00:40:33What time should we head to the Zed?
00:40:36Nine o'clock?
00:40:37Perfect.
00:40:38We'll be there.
00:40:40I can't wait to see you, Colleen M.
00:40:43Show you what I'm really all about.
00:40:48What the hell was that?
00:40:53Here we go.
00:40:55Going to the Zed again is so stupid.
00:41:00Sorry.
00:41:02Now, follow me on this, Gordon.
00:41:06These girls just gift-wrapped themselves for us.
00:41:10We were going to have to dig shallow graves after we cut them up.
00:41:14Now, we're going to their store.
00:41:16If we kill them in the store, shit.
00:41:19We can take our time, do it right.
00:41:22We can leave their bodies right between the Pucky Charms and the Chuggalugs.
00:41:27And all we got to do is take the money from the register,
00:41:30break some shit on the way out,
00:41:32and make it look like a failed robbery gone bad, eh?
00:41:35These stupid sophomore bitches want to have a party at the Zed?
00:41:39We'll give them a party at the Zed.
00:41:42Their farewell party, yo.
00:41:52Where should I dis-hunt her tonight?
00:41:54Ew, uh, lips only.
00:41:56I mean in the store.
00:41:58Keep it tasteful, Mackenzie.
00:42:00Don't whore him on the first date.
00:42:01Casual, not contrived.
00:42:03You have the best advice from my best friend in the whole world.
00:42:06Aw, you're mine.
00:42:10Hear that?
00:42:11That's our destiny, knocking at the back door.
00:42:24Hi.
00:42:25Ladies, we are here to cordially accept your invitation to party-hardy.
00:42:31Party-hardy, yeah!
00:42:33What's he doing here?
00:42:34And where's everybody else?
00:42:39Hmm, where's everybody else?
00:42:42Well, when I made the other seniors the same very generous offer you made me
00:42:47to move the party here...
00:42:48Yeah, they all laughed at you.
00:42:51Talia Simmons said, and I quote,
00:42:53a party at the scummy A2 Zed with us two little girls from honors history?
00:42:58No way, eh?
00:43:00I'd rather kiss Gordon Greenlee.
00:43:02I'd rather kiss...
00:43:03She didn't say that, ma'am.
00:43:05She was thinking it.
00:43:07Anyways, I've never been much of a follower,
00:43:10so I left all those losers behind and came here to hang with you two.
00:43:17You left your own party?
00:43:19Parties are basic. This is better.
00:43:21This is what they call in the states a kickback.
00:43:24States, eh?
00:43:25And I brought Gordon so Colleen C. would have someone to talk to
00:43:29while little Miss Colleen M. gives me a private tour.
00:43:40Looks like it's just us, eh?
00:43:42Maybe we should form the Just Us League.
00:43:46A little kickback hookup.
00:43:48Yeah.
00:43:53So this is the A2 Zed backroom. Again.
00:44:00Epic.
00:44:02Colleen and I call it the highway to hell,
00:44:05because A2 Zed's right through that door,
00:44:07and A2 Zed's pretty much our hell.
00:44:10Highway to hell?
00:44:12Mm-hmm.
00:44:14Wow.
00:44:16Devil talk always gives me goose bumps.
00:44:20See?
00:44:23See?
00:44:25Yeah.
00:44:28Yeah.
00:44:32You believe in Satan?
00:44:34I used to believe in Santa. Does that count?
00:44:45So basic.
00:44:50Me and Gordon are way into Satan.
00:44:54Kind of like how you and Colleen are way into yoga or your band.
00:45:00Yeah.
00:45:01Now, the good news is that we're Canadian Satanists,
00:45:05so we don't go in for any of that touchy stuff.
00:45:09Your virtue stays intact.
00:45:12It's gotta. You know why?
00:45:14Why?
00:45:15You see, Satan seeks his soul's pure,
00:45:19and there are no virgins in grade 12.
00:45:22Mm-hmm.
00:45:23All the virgins are in grade 10.
00:45:25Well, I've just been waiting for the right person in the right place.
00:45:30You are so adorable, Mackenzie.
00:45:33You think I want your body?
00:45:35I don't want your body.
00:45:37I just want your untouched virgin soul.
00:45:42Okay.
00:45:43But while the shit sandwich of it all...
00:45:47Mm-hmm.
00:45:49I kind of gotta cut you open to get to it.
00:45:54Oh.
00:45:55You know, I'll be right back. Just one second.
00:45:58Colleen!
00:46:01I thank you for your sacrifice, Colleen M.
00:46:04Every pure soul I give to Satan
00:46:06brings me one step closer to meeting the beast,
00:46:09and that's gonna be so metal.
00:46:14Fool!
00:46:15What the hell's that?
00:46:16That's my mom's date knife pointed at your balls.
00:46:20Oh, okay.
00:46:21Is that enough metal for you, or do you want more?
00:46:24Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:46:26Can we talk about this?
00:46:27Talk to the boy!
00:46:28Okay, okay.
00:46:29Put the knife down, pretty boy.
00:46:32Oh. Okay.
00:46:34Mm.
00:46:35Knife's down.
00:46:39I guess I got a little carried away there.
00:46:42Mm-hmm.
00:46:43Sorry about that.
00:46:44And I was gonna let you get to second base.
00:46:49Aah!
00:46:50Ow! Ow!
00:46:52There's something inside of me!
00:46:56Are you okay?
00:46:57No! Me?
00:47:11Oh, my God!
00:47:13Oh, my God!
00:47:14Food!
00:47:18Colleen?
00:47:20Colleen?
00:47:23Here we go.
00:47:25Colleen?
00:47:28Colleen?
00:47:31Mackenzie!
00:47:39Gordon, please, stop begging, okay?
00:47:41You are not getting any.
00:47:43My ass.
00:47:44Gordon, I swear to God, if you puke, you're cleaning it up.
00:47:48Some just crawled up my ass!
00:47:52Is this what happens when you smoke weed?
00:47:59Oh, no!
00:48:08Oh, my God.
00:48:12Food! Food!
00:48:15Uh, Colleen?
00:48:18Wunderbar!
00:48:31Hey.
00:48:32What the hell was that?
00:48:41Oh, hell no.
00:48:46Shut up! Shut up!
00:48:48Aah!
00:48:52Run! Run! Run!
00:48:55Run!
00:48:56Run! Run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run!
00:49:00I'm bleeding to death!
00:49:02Aah!
00:49:09Did you know Hunter Calloway was religious?
00:49:11Aah!
00:49:15Oh, you piece of shit!
00:49:19God, God, God, God, God, God, God!
00:49:21Shut up!
00:49:22God, God, God, God!
00:49:23Pull.
00:49:24No.
00:49:25Pull!
00:49:26Okay, okay, okay.
00:49:28Aah!
00:49:30Thanks, Trixie!
00:49:31Thanks, Trixie!
00:49:45My cup.
00:49:48Aah!
00:49:58Security lights.
00:50:02911, eh?
00:50:03Hello. We're being attacked by little sausage men
00:50:05with concentrated sauerkraut for blood.
00:50:07They look like Adolf Hitler. Go.
00:50:09Oh, Hitler, eh?
00:50:10Well, he sure is a nasty camper.
00:50:13Worse than Dr. Doom and Darth Vader combined.
00:50:16Yeah, boy.
00:50:17Shut up, old man.
00:50:18Send a bunch of cops to the A to Z on Portage and Wayne
00:50:20and bring some body bags.
00:50:21Little one!
00:50:22Hurry!
00:50:23Hello? Hello?
00:50:25Goddamn yoga hosers.
00:50:36Man!
00:50:39We've got wieners.
00:50:41Check over there.
00:50:48Seriously?
00:50:52Sausage party.
00:50:53I don't want to die in Canada!
00:50:55You're not going to die in Canada.
00:50:56There's no other way out!
00:50:58There's always another way.
00:51:00The yoga way.
00:51:01The yoga way?
00:51:02The yoga way.
00:51:03Namaste.
00:51:04Okay, warrior one.
00:51:06Hold it, Mackenzie. Hold it.
00:51:08Okay.
00:51:09Warrior two, back to back.
00:51:11Das brawl!
00:51:13Now, on warrior three,
00:51:14will you get the shit out of these bratwurst bitches, okay?
00:51:16Okay.
00:51:17Warrior three.
00:51:18Ah!
00:51:19Ah!
00:51:20Oh!
00:51:23Das ist schrecklich!
00:51:25I'm not even supposed to be here today!
00:51:29Ah!
00:51:31Schnell!
00:51:32Nein, nein, nein, nein!
00:51:36Take...
00:51:37Ah!
00:51:38...this!
00:51:39Ah!
00:51:46Yeah!
00:51:48Slap shot!
00:51:54A little bit of time left.
00:51:56God, we're the same.
00:51:58Then let's drop...
00:52:00that...
00:52:01puck!
00:52:02Go!
00:52:03Ah!
00:52:04Ah!
00:52:05Ah!
00:52:06Ah!
00:52:07Ah!
00:52:08Ah!
00:52:09Ah!
00:52:10Ah!
00:52:11Ah!
00:52:12Ah!
00:52:13Ah!
00:52:14Ah!
00:52:39Ah!
00:52:40Good! Tully's good! Canada!
00:52:43Wow.
00:52:47Free RCMP!
00:52:48Hands up! Hands up!
00:52:49Don't you move, you goddamn yoga hosers!
00:52:52Free RCMP!
00:52:53RCMP!
00:52:54This is so basic.
00:52:56This is beyond basic.
00:53:06So basic.
00:53:11Hey.
00:53:12Stop it. It's itchy.
00:53:13Stop it.
00:53:18All right, come on, come on, come on.
00:53:23All right, you gotta boot ten minutes before the RCMP come back.
00:53:26I'll try to stall them as long as I can.
00:53:28You know, thank you very much for doing this.
00:53:31I cannot know how to repay you.
00:53:33No, no, thank you. Look, this book is my Bible.
00:53:37And you're like a goddamn Canadian Batman, eh?
00:53:41Oh, that is so touching. I cannot believe it.
00:53:44I'll stall. I'll stall.
00:53:48So...
00:53:55I thought that maybe you might need a stiff drink.
00:54:02You saw my mom? Where is she?
00:54:04Well, she's out there, and she's trying to post-bail you.
00:54:10Your father, whose name I think is Bob Collette,
00:54:13they are having a heck of a time getting in touch with that man.
00:54:17He's in Niagara Falls.
00:54:19The RCMP will not let your mommy bail you out of here
00:54:24because the RCMP don't ever let serial killers out on bail.
00:54:31And they're saying that you are both serial killers
00:54:36because you killed those two boys, you know?
00:54:40You killed the absolute shit out of them.
00:54:43But we didn't kill the boys!
00:54:44We didn't kill anybody.
00:54:46They were gonna kill us.
00:54:47They were devil worshippers.
00:54:48Yeah.
00:54:49I don't really know much about the devil, but...
00:54:54There we go.
00:54:56Somebody sure put their poop holes through hell, you know?
00:54:59We didn't do this.
00:55:02Who did, then?
00:55:04It was the Bratsies.
00:55:06Bratsies?
00:55:08I want to know what this Bratsie is.
00:55:10What is a Bratsie?
00:55:11It's like a foot-tall Canadian Nazi, and it's made of bratwurst.
00:55:13They have concentrated sauerkraut for blood.
00:55:15And they're dressed like mountain beaver stuffies.
00:55:18Are you guys tripping on the pot?
00:55:21I mean, do you even hear how crazy that sounds?
00:55:27Oh, yes.
00:55:29So I go down to the old age's head,
00:55:32and I have a look around myself, you know?
00:55:36Gila point style.
00:55:38And do you want to know what I believe now?
00:55:41What?
00:55:44I believe...
00:55:47That I believe you.
00:55:49You saw them?
00:55:50Yeah, I saw only this, you know.
00:55:53It was buried in a wad of cheese at the back of the microwave.
00:55:58I found this...
00:56:05What's this?
00:56:06This is a land purchase agreement.
00:56:08It's signed in 1939
00:56:11by the self-proclaimed Canadian Fuhrer,
00:56:16Adrien Arcand.
00:56:20For 100 acres in the Winnipegs.
00:56:24On this now sits a little store
00:56:28that could be very near and dear to your hearts.
00:56:32I think so.
00:56:33Lululemon?
00:56:34He's talking about the set.
00:56:36Oh.
00:56:37Canadian Nazis were the original landowners of that
00:56:42piece of land where that store is now.
00:56:45And it is my theory
00:56:48that these horrific monsters never left.
00:56:53That's why I need both of you
00:56:56to help me solve this quite queer case
00:57:00of the untold tale
00:57:04buried beneath the Canadian convenience store.
00:57:09Which is probably what I should call the book, I think.
00:57:12Okay, so, when do we get out of here?
00:57:15We don't get out of here. I do.
00:57:18You don't.
00:57:19Because you're in the jail.
00:57:22Right.
00:57:24I'm gonna speak to this fool in French for a second.
00:57:28Excuse me.
00:57:30Je peux te faire entrer dans le Z.
00:57:32As you see, I can get myself inside the A to Z quite easily,
00:57:37little kitty-cat woman, smarty-panties.
00:57:41Mais t'as besoin de moi pour te montrer le passage secret?
00:57:45She's saying that I need her for the secret passageway.
00:57:50What secret passageway?
00:57:52Colleen, who doesn't speak the French,
00:57:55has never heard of the passageway.
00:57:58Mon père me l'a seulement montré à moi le passage secret.
00:58:00Et je t'emmènerai, tous les deux.
00:58:02Mais d'abord, on doit sortir d'ici.
00:58:04Tu comprends?
00:58:06Merde.
00:58:11That means we're shit.
00:58:21Oh, it's Hunter's chalk line.
00:58:24Ew.
00:58:26Maybe we should Instagram it.
00:58:28Ooh, right?
00:58:30Uh, Mr. LaPointe, can we have our phones back, please?
00:58:33Sure.
00:58:35Oh, I'm sorry.
00:58:37Oh, I'm sorry.
00:58:39Oh, I'm sorry.
00:58:41Oh, I'm sorry.
00:58:43Oh, I'm sorry.
00:58:45Oh, I'm sorry.
00:58:47Oh, I'm sorry.
00:58:49Uh, can we have our phones back now?
00:58:55You want your phones?
00:58:58No, I did not steal your phones.
00:59:01You didn't get our phones?
00:59:03Do you mean that when I was illegally breaking you out of the jail
00:59:07that I forgot to steal your precious telephones?
00:59:10Is that what you're trying to say?
00:59:12Well, I'm sorry, I'm so selfish, right?
00:59:15How can I ever make it up to you?
00:59:18Well, you can start by letting us change out of these prison rags.
00:59:21Yeah, they make us look fat.
00:59:23You listen to me, you Lady Gagas.
00:59:26You know that this is not a photograph shoot for the Canadian Vogue.
00:59:31And I did not bring fewer wardrobe stylists with all that frilly business.
00:59:36So what would you like to do?
00:59:38Well, we have our yoga clothes and backup smocks in the bathroom.
00:59:40Can we at least go change into that?
00:59:42Yeah, and I'll take that over this orange-to-the-new-black bullshit any day.
00:59:46You have one Manitoba minute,
00:59:48and then you will show me the secret passageway.
00:59:52So you must hurry up.
00:59:54Hey, oh, whoa, no poopy stuff.
00:59:56No poopy stuff.
00:59:58Ew.
01:00:00Okay, Colleen.
01:00:02Seriously, why didn't you tell me about the secret passageway?
01:00:05That's so cool.
01:00:06Seriously? There is no secret passageway.
01:00:08I'm pretty sure there is a secret passageway.
01:00:11You said there was.
01:00:12I'm pretty sure I only took the Dagos out of jail, Colleen.
01:00:14God, if we don't prove the Bratsis exist,
01:00:16we're going away for murder.
01:00:18But what do we do with Bugila Point?
01:00:20I don't know, Colleen.
01:00:21I guess it's time to tell him there is no secret passageway.
01:00:25Ah!
01:00:50Ah!
01:00:52Ah!
01:01:22Ah!
01:01:52Ah!
01:02:17You're awake.
01:02:19Wunderbar, wunderbar.
01:02:22Wunderbar, wunderbar.
01:02:26Prost.
01:02:28Prost.
01:02:30I would like to welcome you
01:02:32to my Canadian subterranean stronghold
01:02:35located 37 feet below the surface of Winnipeg.
01:02:40Und I am Andronikus Arcane.
01:02:43That's the guy Miss Maurice told us to boot in on her history.
01:02:46The man from Berlin?
01:02:48Poof.
01:02:49He disappeared.
01:02:50Poof?
01:02:51Yeah, front lines, I am from Berlin.
01:02:53This is why I have an accent that sounds both scary and creepy.
01:02:58So, in an effort to make our future communications
01:03:02less spooky and more friendly,
01:03:05I will now be speaking only in the voice
01:03:08of American movie star Al Pacino.
01:03:14Oh.
01:03:16I bet all you need are the dulcet tones
01:03:19of one of Hollywood's greatest living actors.
01:03:25Do you know what?
01:03:26That's not half bad Al Pacino there.
01:03:30Who?
01:03:31Al Pacino.
01:03:33Al Pacino.
01:03:35He was an American president?
01:03:37Oh, jeez.
01:03:38You see, the Third Reich imprisoned me
01:03:41here inside this Canadian subterranean stronghold
01:03:46to build a clone army
01:03:49that would conquer Canada
01:03:51and the United States of America.
01:03:56I used my own DNA
01:03:58and made the clone bodies from the finest,
01:04:01broadwurst and sauerkraut direct from Deutschland.
01:04:05So, in 1945,
01:04:07I initiated the 100-year-long incubation process
01:04:12and I put myself on ice in a cryogenic chamber,
01:04:17timed to wake up when my little wiener babies
01:04:21were full-grown clones.
01:04:27But 70 years later...
01:04:29We've got real death rhythms.
01:04:31Bless you, Jeff.
01:04:33The little Colleens would change everything
01:04:37simply by singing a song.
01:04:43God damn it, Ichabod!
01:04:45How much did you plug into that socket?
01:04:47You told me to plug everything into that socket!
01:04:49We're 14 years old, Ichabod!
01:04:51Yeah, what are we supposed to know about physics, Ichabod?
01:04:54You guys wouldn't talk to me this way
01:04:56if I was covered in tattoos.
01:04:58The power outage in the A-Z that night
01:05:01shorted out my ancient Canadian subterranean generator.
01:05:07So I woke up prematurely
01:05:09from my cryogenic slumber.
01:05:14But the incubation process had also been interrupted.
01:05:19Papa!
01:05:20Forever stunting the growth of my wiener babies.
01:05:25My life's work was a failure.
01:05:31That's so sad.
01:05:34Yeah, maybe it would be less sad
01:05:36coming from American tough guy Sylvester Stallone.
01:05:41So, you know,
01:05:43even though making clones was my life's work,
01:05:46it wasn't my passion, you know?
01:05:49This guy sounds like Groot.
01:05:51But now he was being Sylvester Stallone.
01:05:55Who?
01:05:56So, anyway,
01:05:58before I got into science,
01:06:00and before the war,
01:06:02and before I met Adrian Arcand,
01:06:05I was like,
01:06:06Yo, Adrian!
01:06:07Adrian is the wife at the movie of the Rocky Rambo.
01:06:11He's very good.
01:06:13And before the Nazi no-goodniks took over my life,
01:06:17I was an artist, you know?
01:06:19And my art was sculpting, you know?
01:06:22I'd chip away at the marble
01:06:24until it was beautiful to me, you know?
01:06:26But I loved being an artist,
01:06:28except for one thing.
01:06:30I'm talking about the goddamn critics, you know?
01:06:33They told me I had no talent.
01:06:35They told me I stink on ice.
01:06:37It's so negative and hurtful.
01:06:39They cut me, Mick.
01:06:41They drove me away from doing the thing I really love to do, you know?
01:06:44Being who I am.
01:06:46That's when I found Adrian Arcand
01:06:48and the Canadian Nazis
01:06:50and, you know, Hitler.
01:06:53Aww.
01:06:55Right?
01:06:56You know that this man is not a puppy on the Internet, right?
01:07:00Maybe my Stallone is too aggressive.
01:07:02I will switch to a Hollywood impression
01:07:04that is less threatening.
01:07:06So I didn't want to be a Nazi for the rest of my life.
01:07:10I told Corian.
01:07:12The exit tunnel of my Canadian subterranean stronghold
01:07:15brought me to the back room of the A-Z.
01:07:18And one night, after closing,
01:07:20I took my first steps
01:07:22into a brave new world.
01:07:25Yeah.
01:07:27So every night after the store closed,
01:07:29I would make myself at home in the A-Z back room,
01:07:32where I learned to speak English and do voices
01:07:34by watching every single thing on Netflix.
01:07:38I'll be... I'll be back.
01:07:41And I discovered that this modern world
01:07:44worships popular arts and entertainment.
01:07:46I'll be back.
01:07:48So, for the past six months,
01:07:50I've been sculpting again, don't you know?
01:07:52Sculpting up a storm
01:07:54with the help of my wicked little wiener baby.
01:07:58May I present the debut
01:08:00of my first new work in decades.
01:08:03It's a sculpture
01:08:05celebrating my beloved adopted home of Canada.
01:08:09I call it the Golly Gollum.
01:08:23So, what does everybody think?
01:08:27Well, I will tell you
01:08:31that this giant Canada man is very bold,
01:08:35and it's a real statement, you know.
01:08:37Mm-hmm.
01:08:39It captures perfectly
01:08:41that kind of essence
01:08:43of the true norm, you know.
01:08:46Oh, thank you.
01:08:48But it also captures the actual people that you killed
01:08:51in the sculpture as well, regrettably.
01:08:55Hmm.
01:08:56So, I'm thinking
01:08:58that we should all be very afraid right now.
01:09:01But, Mr. Lapointe,
01:09:03you and the Colleens were never in any jeopardy.
01:09:06You see, I brought the Colleens here to help me.
01:09:09I have a need for their very specialized skills.
01:09:12Um, I don't mean to be mean,
01:09:14but, like, I don't know who this is either.
01:09:16What?
01:09:17Do you want to try doing someone we might recognize?
01:09:20Hmm.
01:09:22Uh, do you know the actor who played the Batman?
01:09:25I can do him, too.
01:09:27Mm-hmm.
01:09:29You see, girls,
01:09:31each night as I slaved away over my masterpiece,
01:09:35one dream fueled me.
01:09:37Uh, that does not sound like Batman.
01:09:40Yeah, Batman sounds like...
01:09:42Where's the trigger?
01:09:44Where's the trigger?
01:09:46Uh, where's the trigger?
01:09:48Uh, where's the trigger?
01:09:51Oh!
01:09:53No, you don't understand.
01:09:55He's doing the original, the real Batman
01:09:58from the television.
01:10:00Adam West's Batman, wasn't it?
01:10:02Yes.
01:10:03It's supposed to sound like,
01:10:05uh, where's the trigger, Joker?
01:10:07Uh, where's the trigger?
01:10:09Do you know he never once said that line to the Jokers,
01:10:12or just of it?
01:10:13The only thing I've dreamed of for the past six months
01:10:16is looking at a photograph of me
01:10:18standing proudly next to my sculpture
01:10:21on the Famous People Are Just Like You page
01:10:25of Them Weekly magazine.
01:10:28Oh, my God, he reads it, too.
01:10:30Isn't that page, like, the best?
01:10:32One time, they showed Harry Styles buying bacon.
01:10:41It was so hot.
01:10:43It was so hot.
01:10:45This is my Harry Styles buying bacon moment.
01:11:00Now you're pleased to photograph me
01:11:02for Them Weekly magazine.
01:11:05You're kidding.
01:11:07You are never going to believe this, Mr. Old Man,
01:11:10but we don't have our phones.
01:11:13Nein.
01:11:14Nein. Nein. Nein. Nein.
01:11:17So much nein, it's almost ten.
01:11:19How can this be?
01:11:20You always say I have with me the phones.
01:11:23The cops took our phones.
01:11:26Surely you must have a phone, Herr Gee.
01:11:29My friend has no camera.
01:11:31What the fudge?
01:11:33So, nobody has a camera.
01:11:36I guess we have to go directly to
01:11:38phase two of my master plan.
01:11:44Fly, my pretties.
01:11:46Fly, come on.
01:11:48That's right, yes.
01:11:50Yes, weena babies, let's go.
01:11:52Come on, come on.
01:11:54Let's all go to the lobby.
01:11:56Let's all go to the lobby.
01:11:59They're just following orders.
01:12:01That's all they're doing.
01:12:03And okay for you, Mr. Straggler.
01:12:06Now you inside there.
01:12:10Now, my weena babies,
01:12:12bring my art to life.
01:12:15Rise.
01:12:17Rise.
01:12:21Rise.
01:12:25Yeah, that's what I'm talking about, babies.
01:12:29Well, how?
01:12:31And that's the same thing that
01:12:33them weekly magazines gonna feel
01:12:35when they see this, babies.
01:12:38For tonight, he is going to start
01:12:41his bloody rampage across the true north
01:12:44killing every art critic in Canada.
01:12:49What?
01:12:51Go, my golly gollum.
01:12:53Go kill the critics
01:12:55and all the haters they're gonna hate.
01:12:58Oh, I hate those haters.
01:13:01You can't let him do this.
01:13:03You've got to stop him.
01:13:05Hang on a minute.
01:13:07He's not talking about killing real people.
01:13:10He's just talking about killing critics.
01:13:13Mr. Lapointe.
01:13:15Let it go. Use the ladder.
01:13:17Go, my golly gollum.
01:13:21We can do this.
01:13:23We don't need his help.
01:13:25We do tons of stupid stuff with our adults.
01:13:27All the time.
01:13:28It's just a bunch of bronzies in a giant suit.
01:13:30And we beat a bunch of bronzies before.
01:13:32Yeah, okay, but what are we gonna do
01:13:34about Gila Pointless over here?
01:13:36This epic fail?
01:13:38Unhand me. Unhand me.
01:13:41Okay, all we have to do
01:13:43is do every yoga pose Yogi Bear ever taught us.
01:13:45That's your plan?
01:13:47What in the heck did your yoga instructor teach you?
01:13:50He taught us to destroy everything
01:13:52that threatens anything and anyone you love
01:13:54by hook or by crook.
01:13:56And that's the yoga way, Frenchie.
01:13:58Let's go.
01:14:03Hey, bratsy party, we want to have a weenie roast.
01:14:06One left, one left.
01:14:12Nein, das frohleins.
01:14:25Nein, nein, nein, nein, nein.
01:14:27Your objective is not the Carlines.
01:14:29It's the critics.
01:14:31Nein, wunderbar.
01:14:33Nein, wunderbar.
01:14:35This is all bad. This is all wrong.
01:14:37I give you two thumbs down.
01:14:39Das frohleins.
01:14:42As your maker, I command you
01:14:44to crush all the critics
01:14:46and the negative peoples
01:14:48and the haters who gotta hate, hate, hate.
01:14:50Mein Heini.
01:14:52What are you waiting for?
01:14:54I command you to kill a negative critic right now.
01:14:57Okey-dokey, Papa.
01:14:59Oh, scheiße.
01:15:06They just killed their dad.
01:15:09Wunderbar!
01:15:12Wunderbar!
01:15:14Wunderbar!
01:15:16Wunderbar!
01:15:18Wunderbar!
01:15:20Okay, let's see what we got as attention.
01:15:22Boss stage, biatch.
01:15:24Wunder...
01:15:26Warrior one.
01:15:28Now warrior two, back to back.
01:15:30Okay, now on warrior three,
01:15:32we crush King Koopa
01:15:34and save Princess Peach.
01:15:36Yeah, okay.
01:15:38Warrior three.
01:15:40This dead man, he has ten.
01:15:42He gets killed, but he don't die.
01:15:44When they say that he died, it's a proper pose.
01:15:46He's a dead man, dead man, dead man.
01:15:48Shit!
01:15:50Atlas,
01:15:52Atlas,
01:15:54Atlas,
01:15:56Atlas,
01:15:58Atlas,
01:16:00Atlas,
01:16:02I don't like the product you've given me!
01:16:04So this is yoga.
01:16:08We're in a room!
01:16:10Yoga fest?
01:16:12Yoga fest!
01:16:14Yoga fest!
01:16:16Yoga fest!
01:16:20Basic, right?
01:16:22So basic.
01:16:28You okay?
01:16:30I'm okay. Are you okay?
01:16:32It's the holy night.
01:16:34Hey!
01:16:36You got a big bear riding a bulldozer?
01:16:38Wunderbar!
01:16:40Wunderbar!
01:16:44Why don't you pick on somebody your own size?
01:16:46Huh?
01:16:48Wunderbar!
01:16:52Don't come to me.
01:16:54Wunderbar!
01:16:56Wunderbar!
01:16:58This dead man, he has ten.
01:17:00Halfway to the end!
01:17:02Wunderbar!
01:17:04This dead man, he has ten.
01:17:06Three-legged dog!
01:17:08Locked up!
01:17:10Two-legged dog in a push cart.
01:17:12Wunderbar!
01:17:14Wunderbar!
01:17:16This dead man, he has nine.
01:17:18He can't do that.
01:17:20My spine!
01:17:22All the time's left to have our phones.
01:17:24Right?
01:17:36I'm so sorry, lady.
01:17:38But I seem to have dropped my book onto your wiener.
01:17:52No, no!
01:17:54No, no, no!
01:17:56I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
01:17:58But this is getting ridiculous.
01:18:00Now you're telling me that you own boo-boo bears, too?
01:18:02Well, how can Warner Bros.
01:18:04own something that I just made up last week?
01:18:06No, I did!
01:18:08Yes, out of my own brain!
01:18:10Smarter than what average bear?
01:18:12No, no, no! I'm sorry, sorry.
01:18:14May I speak? Is it my turn to speak?
01:18:16Well, I think you need to find some inner peace,
01:18:18Mr. Yelling Lawyer Man.
01:18:20Shove your head up your anus and look for it!
01:18:22Namaste!
01:18:24Ah! Piece of shit!
01:18:28Young ladies!
01:18:30Young ladies, might I just tell you
01:18:32I am a huge, huge, huge fan.
01:18:34Out! Get out!
01:18:36Take off! Shoot!
01:18:38No, no, no! You go!
01:18:40Get going! No! Go!
01:18:42You're smudging my glass with your perverted energy!
01:18:44Go!
01:18:46Sorry about that, girls.
01:18:48We don't want dissatisfied customers.
01:18:50No, we don't want it, right?
01:18:52And release.
01:18:54Sorry for that guy, Yogi Bear.
01:18:56No, no, no. Do not be sorry.
01:18:58That is not the yoga way.
01:19:00In yoga, you're right and they're wrong.
01:19:02Shavasana, ladies. Shavasana.
01:19:10You know, I am so proud of you girls.
01:19:12You really legitimized this place.
01:19:14You brought honor
01:19:16to this small yoga dojo.
01:19:18And a 60% increase in walking traffic to boot.
01:19:20My two best pupils
01:19:22both faced the ultimate evil,
01:19:24the yoga way.
01:19:26And you kicked its little Nazi asana.
01:19:30You girls are my kind of superheroes.
01:19:32And when I grow up, I want to be as colossal
01:19:34as the Colleens.
01:19:36Thanks, Yogi.
01:19:38Now stop it. You can make me cry.
01:19:40Phones?
01:19:42Your own speaker phone, Dad.
01:19:44I'm not at work tonight.
01:19:46Lucky you.
01:19:50You ready?
01:19:52I already have a sign.
01:19:54Oh, my God. Colleen.
01:19:56What?
01:19:58Add another heart.
01:20:00Jesus.
01:20:02Better? Better.
01:20:04Ready? Ready.
01:20:14Oh, Canada
01:20:18Our home and native land
01:20:22True patriot love
01:20:26In all thy sons command
01:20:30With glowing hearts
01:20:32We see thee rise
01:20:34True North
01:20:36Strong and free
01:20:38From far and wide
01:20:40Oh, Canada
01:20:42We stand on guard for thee
01:20:46God keep our land
01:20:50Glorious and free
01:20:54Oh, Canada
01:20:56We stand on guard for thee
01:21:02Oh, Canada
01:21:04We stand on guard for thee
01:21:10Oh, Canada
01:21:12We stand on guard for thee
01:21:18En français!
01:21:20Oh, Canada
01:21:24Terre de nos ailleurs
01:21:28Ton front est saint
01:21:32De fleurons glorieux
01:21:36Car ton bras c'est fort
01:21:38Il s'est porté la croix
01:21:44Ton histoire est une épopée
01:21:48De plus brillants exploits
01:22:08De plus brillants exploits
01:22:22From far and wide
01:22:24Oh, Canada
01:22:26We stand on guard for thee
01:22:32God keep our land
01:22:34Glorious and free
01:22:36Oh, Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
01:22:45Oh, Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
01:22:55Oh, Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
01:23:17Oh, Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
01:23:37Oh, Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
01:23:57Oh, Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
01:24:17Oh, Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
01:24:37Oh, Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
01:24:57Oh, Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
01:25:17Oh, Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
01:25:37Oh, Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
01:25:47Oh, Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
01:25:57Oh, Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
01:26:07Oh, Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
01:26:17Oh, Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
01:26:27Oh, Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
01:26:37Oh, Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
01:26:47Oh, Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
01:26:57Oh, Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
01:27:07Oh, Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
01:27:17It's really hard out here for a yoga hoser, man.
01:27:23I want to start a podcast.
01:27:31That's the podcast for this week, man.
01:27:33I'm Kevin Smith.
01:27:34Scott Moses.
01:27:35Have a week.