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00:00Hi, I'm Jimmy Kimmel, and this is Miami, and you're watching me for probably the 80th time today on Comedy Central.
00:08Get ready for Versus! It's the team that comes in your mailbox in a plain brown wrapper. Versus! A team that sprints quicker than a forest fire.
00:24That's right, it's Penthouse versus Hustler on Versus!
00:34And now, a man who just changed his pants for the second time today, your host, Greg Brooks!
00:53Hello, my ungrateful sea monkeys, and welcome to Versus, the show that brings together two rival groups to find out who is smarter.
01:02Tonight, oh yeah, Penthouse Pets versus Hustler Honeys.
01:11This is how we do it!
01:15We have met the teams, now let's bite the players on the bottom. Joe!
01:19Hey, first there's Crystal. As Penthouse Pet of the Month, she gave a whole new meaning to the phrase doggy door.
01:28Say hello to Julius. I'd give her a round of applause right now if my other hand were free.
01:36Meet Amy. She developed breasts at the age of 14, and her latest pictorial developed in about an hour.
01:43There they are, the Penthouse Pets!
01:48Then there's Angel. Just like the pages of the magazine she's in, she believes women should stick together.
01:58Let's meet Michelle. Even though she's appeared nude in Hustler three times, she still hasn't summoned the courage to tell her parents she's appearing on this show.
02:10And finally there's CJ. She's known as the Grand Canyon, because you just can't take a bad picture of her.
02:16You just can't!
02:18And those are the Hustler Honeys!
02:21Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy!
02:25I need a cold shower.
02:27You need to be dipped in Lucite.
02:31Welcome, ladies. Angel, I have a question. What's the difference between a Hustler Honey and a Penthouse Pet?
02:37Or what's the difference between Hustler and Penthouse?
02:40Well, Hustler Honeys are sweet. Penthouse Pets belong back in the trailer.
02:50Would you care to rebut that, Juliet?
02:53We're classy, and they're hotes.
03:02Can't we all just get along?
03:06All right, you guys, let's rock the jam. We're going to start things off with some general knowledge questions.
03:12Everyone has a chance to ring in, and every correct answer, well, who cares? All right, let's move along.
03:18Look, if you don't get it wrong, we're the other team, and it's a game show.
03:22You press the red thing when you hear it. All eyes on the Versus Board.
03:26Here is our first subject, which is food.
03:30And the categories are Mighty Afro Dieting and One Look at His Muscles and I Was Stewing in My Own Juices.
03:41Penthouse, you won the coin toss. You will get to choose first. Amy, my precious love.
03:47One Look at His Muscles and I Was Stewing in My Own Juices.
03:52Made with mollusks, what popular seafood soup is traditionally made in Manhattan and New England styles?
04:00Juliet?
04:01Clam chowder.
04:02Clam chowder is absolutely right.
04:07She's all over the first one. Here's the next one.
04:10What African-American talk show host's favorite recipes are published in the 1994 cookbook In the Kitchen with Rosie?
04:19Amy?
04:20Oprah Winfrey.
04:21Is right.
04:24The next subject is geography.
04:28And the categories are I Was Nomad After I Got Her Into My Bedouin and When You Bend Over, I Can See Your North Forky.
04:38Amy, it's your choice again.
04:41When You Bend Over, I Can See Your North Forky.
04:44Really? And I thought I'd have these fixed. Here we go.
04:48The infamous King Ranch, which is larger than Rhode Island, is located in what U.S. state?
04:55Amy?
04:56Texas?
04:57Is correct.
05:02Okay, here we go.
05:04Covering three and a half million square miles, what is the world's largest desert?
05:10Amy again.
05:11The Sahara.
05:12Is correct.
05:20Oh, the irony. The depth of knowledge of large flat places. Here we go.
05:25Our next subject is pop music.
05:28And the categories are The Artist Formerly Known As Being Able To Write A Decent Song and I Don't Hold On That Diss, I Just Want You To Know That Artist.
05:40I Think You're Down.
05:42And There I Was At The Mouse Club When Someone Slipped Me A Mickey.
05:48Amy, you rage, you rock, you're in control, you choose.
05:51There I Was At The Mouse Club When Someone Slipped Me A Mickey.
05:55Here we go.
05:57What one-hit wonder of the early 80s performed her song Mickey in an MTV video dressed in a cheerleader outfit?
06:06The word I was trying to say is MTV video dressed in a cheerleader.
06:10Time's up.
06:11Tony Basil.
06:12Tony Basil.
06:13Okay, moving on.
06:14Next question.
06:15Before she headed up Singled Out, what actress released an album of songs written by Prince?
06:22Michelle?
06:23Carmen Electra.
06:24That is absolutely correct.
06:26Yeah!
06:27Yeah!
06:28Yeah!
06:29Yeah!
06:30Yeah!
06:31Yeah!
06:32Yeah!
06:33Yeah!
06:34Yeah!
06:35Yeah!
06:36Yeah!
06:37Yeah!
06:38Yeah!
06:39Yeah!
06:40Yeah!
06:41Yeah!
06:42Yeah!
06:43Yeah!
06:44Yeah!
06:45Yeah!
06:46Yeah!
06:47Yeah!
06:48Yeah!
06:49Yeah!
06:50Yeah!
06:51Yeah!
06:52Yeah!
06:53Michelle?
06:54My precious blossom, what's it going to be?
06:58Hammer and Sickle, Selenemia.
07:00After resigning as President of the USSR, what Soviet leader was expelled by the Communist Party in 1992?
07:08Amy.
07:10Gorbachev?
07:11Is correct.
07:12Yeah!
07:13Yeah!
07:14Yeah!
07:16Yeah!
07:18Yeah!
07:19Yeah!
07:20Yeah!
07:21Yeah!
07:22Study. Here's our next one. In 1990, Helmut Kohl became the first chancellor of what
07:29reunified country?
07:35Doesn't matter, I just want to watch.
07:40The pets are leading. The honey is 500 to 100, but stick around because when we get
07:46back...
07:52We'll be back.
08:06Coming up on an excruciatingly special episode of Strangers with Candy,
08:11responsibility is something new to a 46-year-old ex-con freshman.
08:14In order for you to learn what it's like to take care of a 10-pound
08:17baby, each of you will be taking care of a 10-pound baby.
08:22Can Jerry face the challenges of single motherhood? This isn't working out,
08:26right? I don't want to change your diaper any more than you want to change mine.
08:30Strangers with Candy, the after hours after school special. Tonight at 10,
08:34only on Comedy Central. Coming up on the next man show,
08:38Jimmy and Adam go out to the ball game. Load up on the condiments.
08:42The dog may have cost you six bucks, but the relish
08:45is free. And of course, girls on trampolines.
08:50The man show, 30 minutes of beer commercial fun. Wednesday night at 10 30,
08:54only on Comedy Central.
09:00Oh, I think I'm in love. Ouch. I'm going over there. Yeah, me too. Nah,
09:06she's not my type. What are you crazy? She's perfect. Do not
09:09ruin this for us. You guys can go over if you want, but I'm
09:12staying right here. Middleman getting in the way? At Geico
09:16Auto Insurance, there is no middleman, so a 15-minute call could save you 15%
09:21or more. Excuse us, we lost our phone number. We have
09:24yours.
09:27Romance. Do you love smashing pumpkins? Are you kidding? I love to do that.
09:32Action.
09:35Aliens. Oh, cut! This summer, be sensitive above all,
09:42because in this scene, Daisy's going to take off her blouse. Only one movie has
09:45it all. I look like an action star. Eddie Murphy,
09:48Steve Marx, Bonefinger. Would you be willing to
09:51show your naked rear end in a movie? Rated PG-13.
09:54Starts Friday, August 13th.
09:58Mornings. Well, that's my time to be dad. By the time I get home at night, my kids
10:04are asleep. And breakfast? I, I can, I can do that on
10:10my way out the door. The hard part, though, all the hard
10:14part's getting that far. Buy yourself some time with Kellogg's
10:17Nutri-Grain Bars. Good food to go. Let me out, come on.
10:22Bye-bye.
10:26Come on down and bring your family to Okie Dokie in Patchogue and Hop-On.
10:31Relax, have fun, as you enjoy our wide selection of steaks,
10:35salads, sandwiches, seafood, pasta, and all sorts of good things.
10:40Wet your whistle with a refreshing drink at our bar. Parents,
10:44sit back while our clowns and magician entertain your children.
10:47You can even order out in Okie Dokie. So grab your friends and come on down to
10:52Okie Dokie for fun times and great food in Hop-On and Patchogue.
10:561-800-M-A-T-T-R-E-S. Right now, get the best selection of
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11:26Welcome back to Versus. I'm Helmut Newton.
11:35After the general knowledge round, the hustler honeys,
11:39well, they're just slightly trailing right now, but I think everything will
11:42come into sharp focus in this round. And for those of you who are hanging on
11:46the edge of your seat, the answer to the last question in round
11:50one was Helmut Kohl became the first chancellor of what reunified country?
11:54Germany or the Federal Republic of Germany.
11:57That answer was for those who have
12:01no life. Now, so hustler honeys, you're trailing a little bit behind. Angel,
12:07any strategy for round two? It's all in our heads.
12:11It's all in your hands.
12:15Now, the questions are going to focus on both of your very, very
12:21different worlds. And just imagine the immense differences.
12:34God, I'm glad I have this podium. There are five questions.
12:43You're looking for each team. If you answer a question in your category,
12:47well, who's a happy playmate? And if you answer a question from the other category,
12:51it's worth 400 clams. A wrong answer will cost you 200. This is a
12:56timed round, so you may wish to employ strategies.
13:00Since the hustler honeys are behind, you may pick from your side of the board
13:03or you may poach from the pet's penthouse.
13:07Here are your choices. I used to be straight weekly,
13:10but now I'm bimonthly or
13:14spank me with your bible belt.
13:19Angel, you're beguiling. You're bewitching. It is your choice.
13:22Penthouse. I used to be straight weekly, but now I'm bimonthly. Here we go.
13:27What's the name of the department of Penthouse magazine that welcomes
13:30letters from readers about their supposed real-life sex
13:33experiences? CJ. Sephora. Is absolutely correct.
13:41Jumping in and tying the game. New category. Joker, Joker,
13:48and the nipple. All right, CJ. It's your choice.
13:52We'll take Penthouse, Joker, Joker, and the nipple. There we go.
13:57What filthy Howard Stern joke man edits the Penthouse joke page?
14:04So reading the magazine apparently is not required.
14:12Well, who reads it anyway? Jackie Martling, ladies and gentlemen. Jackie Martling.
14:18Oh, crushing disappointment, and yet we bravely carry on. Here's our next
14:22category. I just adore a Penthouse view. CJ, you've
14:26got the whole world in your hands. I just adore a Penthouse view. Here we go.
14:32So did Eva Gabor. Though later determined to be a fake,
14:36the September 1996 issue of Penthouse claimed to have had the world's first
14:41authentic photograph of what? Angel.
14:46Breast.
14:54Was that breast? Well, I'm certain it was authentic.
15:00My god, the magazine cost almost seven dollars. It better be authentic.
15:04Penthouse, Beth, any idea? That's incorrect, Angel.
15:11A hermaphrodite? No.
15:20An extraterrestrial, an alien, an alien. Although for all I know, it may have been
15:27a hermaphrodite with breast aliens. Here's our next category for Penthouse.
15:31I'd like to write under a pseudonym. CJ, strangely enough, you still maintain
15:36control, and there are two minutes left in this extraordinary round.
15:40We'll take Penthouse again. Here we go. What is the pen name
15:44of longtime Penthouse advice columnist Zaviera Hollander?
15:51Well, who cares anyway? The happy hooker is what she writes under.
15:58New category. All of my pets have been Penthouse broken.
16:02CJ. Penthouse again. Okay, snoofling in. There are none left in
16:08their category. Like Janine Linden Mulder, many Penthouse
16:12pets of the month go on to become contract girls for what Van Nuys-based
16:17adult video company?
16:21And I think there's men all over America raising their hand on this one.
16:25Angel.
16:28Venusberg? No, that is incorrect. Cats. Can you snooch it?
16:37Vivid? Vivid is correct.
16:41And although there is one minute left, there's a certain timeless quality this
16:49round.
16:52We only have Hustler questions. Here we go.
16:5520 years after being jailed and convicted there,
16:58Larry Flynt opened a store called Hustler Books, Magazines, and Gifts
17:02in what Ohio city?
17:06Amy. Cleveland? No, that is incorrect. However, it is in Ohio.
17:16Hustler. Cincinnati? Is correct.
17:26Here's the new category. As we all do the happy dance, safe sex has turned
17:31the U.S. into a condemnation. Here's the question.
17:34In 1983, Larry Flynt was condemned with a $200,000
17:39judgment against him for insinuating that what
17:42reverend was a hypocritical, incestuous drunkard?
17:46Amy. Jerry Falwell. Is exactly right.
17:52Jumping ahead there. New category. I see London. I see France. I see...
17:57Oh my lord. Here's the question. The cover of the November 1976
18:01Esquire magazine featured a memorable photo of what
18:05pipe-smoking playboy founder reading Hustler?
18:10Amy. Hugh Hefner? Is exactly correct.
18:14That brings us to the end of round two. The penthouse pets forging ahead at the
18:21end. $1,100. The honeys trailing with $300. When we
18:25come back for round three, I will be dipped into a vat of marmalade.
18:30Stay where you are.
18:47You're watching Comedy Central. Up next, it's Saturday Night Live at one,
18:51followed by the Kids in the Hall at two. Then it's Winn-Benstein's Money at 2 30.
18:57Back to compressions. 13, 14, no response. Try this.
19:03Any questions? Yes, sir. Is pull my finger still effective? Pull my finger is a
19:08classic. By the way, did I say no knock-knock joke? A new way to look at
19:11everything on health.
19:15Dad, can I help? No, no, no. Now for yellow page listings anywhere in the U.S.
19:19Hey Dad, I think it's time to make a phone call. Yeah, yeah, yeah. AT&T customers can dial
19:24AT&T 00info, how can I help you? I need a Chinese restaurant in Garden City.
19:29Fast. How does fast walk sound? Perfect. AT&T 00info can connect you at no
19:34additional charge. Oh, Dad called.
19:53Thank you, Dad.
20:11Back to compressions. 13, 14, no response. Try this.
20:17Any questions? Yes, sir. Is pull my finger still effective? Pull my finger is a
20:23classic. By the way, did I say no knock-knock joke? A new way to look at
20:26everything on health.
20:33Welcome back to Versus, I'm Oral Roberts. It all comes down to this. The pets lead,
20:40the winners keep their cash, the losers get this groovy item, which is... Each
20:45loser will receive a Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary Deluxe Audio
20:48Edition. Includes 100,000 spoken pronunciations and 1,000 color
20:52illustrations from Merriam-Webster Incorporated.
20:58Joe, you have that, don't you? No, I have the special pop-up edition. Today it is.
21:02All right!
21:04You're representing for pet house pets everywhere and of course you're
21:07representing for hustler honeys everywhere.
21:11And a quiet descends on the stadium. Each of you will get three questions and
21:16that's it. Bring in as soon as you think you know
21:19what that answer is. If you get it right, 250 clams. If you get it wrong, we take
21:25away 250. All of the questions in this round may
21:29be answered by one of the following three choices. Animal,
21:35vegetable or mineral. Everybody clear? Everything schmooled? Let's rock.
21:43Melons. Hustler. Mineral. No.
21:53Oh my goodness, I'm afraid that's incorrect. Penthouse.
21:56Vegetable. Game cock. Penthouse. Animal. Animal. Gold nuggets.
22:06Penthouse. Mineral. Is correct.
22:15Both of you just stop it and I mean it. Okay, here we go. Kumquat.
22:23Vegetable. Vegetable. Beaver. Animal. Animal.
22:28Box site. Mineral. Mineral is right, Michelle.
22:34Well done, ladies. Carrying on. CJ and Crystal.
22:41Chitmouse. CJ. Animal. Pussy willow. CJ. Vegetable.
22:48Vegetable. Lodestone. Mineral. Is correct.
22:53Penthouse pets are the winners, ladies and gentlemen.
23:10Don't go anywhere because when we come back,
23:14we'll find out everything.
23:32Next time on Comedy Central Versus. It's vegans versus deli workers in a
23:38tofu-eating pastrami-slicing challenge for intellectual domination.
23:43Watch Versus today at five only on Comedy Central.
23:48Tom Hanks hosts Saturday Night Live. Next.
23:54Make my dorm room the Best Buy dorm room.
23:57This is it. Best Buy residence evaluation team. We're gonna take a look around if
24:01you don't mind. Built-in VCR. And a Sony PlayStation, huh? Do your
24:05parents know you have that? You can't stop me.
24:08Am I the only one that smells that? Nice computer.
24:14Great stereo. Dorm life from Best Buy. Now that's a great idea.
24:21Tom, it's your mom. Have you found what you're looking for?
24:25You know, I'm looking for something fast. Something I can put a lot of miles on,
24:30you know? Good traction. Something that's
24:33comfortable. Yeah, with the classic look. Think I got
24:37what you're looking for.
24:42Well? Enter at finish line to win a Jeep Wrangler. $10,000 in cash and free shoes
24:47for a year. This fits.
24:53As the pilot flies through the night sky, the helmsman steers a course that is
24:57true. The landing signal officer checks the
25:00approach. The weather crew keeps an eye on the
25:02storm. The air traffic controller directs every move.
25:06The air boss orders a clear deck. The captain gives the final word.
25:10And the plane safely lands on board USS Enterprise.
25:15In the Navy, no journey is ever made alone.
25:18Call 1-800-USA-NAVY. Let the journey begin.
25:22Hey, what's up, dog?
25:36Hey, watch it, Buster. It's just a game, all right?
25:40That's the last straw. Who's responsible for this?
25:43Who are you? Ain't I a stinker? Pugs Bunny on PlayStation.
25:50You're despicable.
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26:04Join Chi-Chi Rodriguez, Lee Trevino, Bob Duvall,
26:07and returning after his dramatic one-stroke win, champion Gary Flair,
26:11at the challenging Meadowbrook Club, the Light Path Long Island Classic.
26:16For more information, call the number on your screen or buy tickets at the gate.
26:20Don't miss this legendary golf event.
26:23♪ 1-800-M-A-T-T-R-E-S ♪
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26:33Lower than department stores and lower than any sleep shop.
26:36Call the original Dyla Mattress, the number one mattress retailer in the country.
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26:43Call 1-800-MATTRESS today during our spring sales event.
26:47♪ 1-800-M-A-T-T-R-E-S ♪
26:53♪♪
26:58-♪♪
27:02Welcome back.
27:04Well, the pets are the winners, ladies and gentlemen.
27:06-♪♪
27:09All right, my divine group chickens.
27:11You have won a total of $2,350, which is ours to give you.
27:15Now, we're going to see if you can't win some more Dash.
27:19It's time for the grand finale.
27:21I will ask you this one question.
27:22If you get it right, you will win $1,000.
27:24If you get it wrong, well, who cares?
27:27And the Hustler Honeys will, of course, have a shot at it.
27:30Here are the two subjects you can choose from.
27:32Anthropological accounts of the Yaqui Indians
27:36or Penthouse Magazine.
27:39-♪♪
27:41What do you think?
27:42-♪♪ Penthouse ♪♪
27:45Astutely called, Amy.
27:46Here we go.
27:48You will have 10 seconds to confer,
27:50and then I must have your answer.
27:51Here is the question.
27:53According to the magazine cover in Masthead,
27:56Penthouse calls itself the magazine of sex, politics,
28:00and what?
28:02You have 10 seconds to confer.
28:04-♪♪
28:06I don't know what your day at work has been like,
28:10but mine has been murder!
28:12-♪♪
28:16All right, ladies.
28:18What's it gonna be?
28:19It's in the magazine.
28:22-♪♪ Um, religion?
28:24-♪♪ No!
28:25-♪♪
28:28Although it's an outstanding guess.
28:31All right, Hustler Honeys, I'm going to read it again,
28:33and you will have five seconds to confer.
28:36According to the ma...
28:37Or you can just ignore me and stand in the corner.
28:40This is so realistic.
28:42-♪♪
28:44Here is the question.
28:45According to the magazine cover in Masthead,
28:48Penthouse calls itself the magazine of sex, politics,
28:52and what?
28:53You have five seconds.
28:55-♪♪
29:00All right.
29:01Angel, my precious love,
29:03I must have an answer.
29:04-♪♪ Literature?
29:05-♪♪ Ooh.
29:08Again, a tremendous guess.
29:12Protest is the answer.
29:14Sex...
29:17What are you gonna do?
29:18Congrat...
29:19Yeah, that's right.
29:20No, there you are.
29:21There's the winners.
29:22Come on down, you guys.
29:24That's how the show ends.
29:28Next time, Jerry Lewis takes on the Ebola virus.
29:33I gotta go.
29:34-♪♪
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30:17-♪♪
30:30Hi, I'm dreamy Scott Wolf from Party of Five
30:32and you're watching Comedy Central.
30:34-♪♪