Take cover before you watch Tom Cotter shoot jokes at the audience. From family life to cancel culture, Tom hits everyth | dG1fM0dtRno4cDQ2OFE
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00:00The wife and I, twin boys.
00:02People ask if we use fertility drugs to have twins,
00:05and unless you count Prozac and tequila as fertility drugs,
00:08we like to say we were blessed with twins
00:11because we got the child that we always wanted and one for parts.
00:14And I had always dreamed of having twins,
00:19but in my dreams they were the Olsen twins in a hot tub.
00:22It was different, but this is special. It really is.
00:25I'm Irish. My wife is Lebanese,
00:27so we know they're going to grow up to be drunken terrorists.
00:29You might want to wait for the punchline before you clap at that.
00:35It's great. I like being a parent. It's fun.
00:38Twin pregnancies, tough pregnancy.
00:40First trimester, a lot of vomiting and crying,
00:43and my wife was having a tough time, too.
00:46Second trimester, she snapped at me one day and she said,
00:49I'd love to see you give birth to a child.
00:51And I said, I'd love to see you pee your initials in the snow.
00:54We're just different, you know what I mean?
00:57I went to every single doctor's appointment with my wife when she was pregnant
01:01because I only work an hour a night, so I couldn't get out of it.
01:04And it's humiliating.
01:06You walk into the doctor's office,
01:08and within five minutes your wife is naked with her feet up in the stirrups,
01:12and I can't even get her to wear a cowboy hat to bed, you know what I mean?
01:16And then the doctor comes sauntering into the room,
01:18and the first thing he does is he conducts what he calls a breast examination.
01:23That's what he calls it.
01:24I call it going to second base on my wife in front of me.
01:27That's what I call it, because this, that's not necessary, right?
01:31There's no medical need for that.
01:33What is that, Obamacare?
01:35And then he says, I'm just looking for lumps,
01:39and I'm like, you're going to find one, fuckface, keep it up.
01:42It's a scam.
01:44Our final visit to his office, I gave him a urine sample all over his desk.
01:48I didn't like him, and I made that clear.
01:52He was all right.
01:53He actually let me be in the delivery room when the kids were born.
01:56First they want to make sure you're not going to pass out,
01:58so he said, have you ever witnessed childbirth before?
02:00And I said, yes, but it was a long time ago, and it was from the inside.
02:04But I think I can handle it.
02:08And I was fine.
02:09It was great.
02:10I actually filmed the delivery.
02:11I call it the sequel, because I also filmed the conception.
02:15And that is none of your goddamn business.
02:21You learn a lot when you become a dad and stuff.
02:23You don't know you're going to learn.
02:24Women have a book called What to Expect When You're Expecting.
02:27There's no book for men, because they know we're lazy, sexist shit,
02:29and we'll never read it.
02:30So we learn on the job, and the first thing I learned was that
02:33Playtex has a synthetic nipple for the top of their baby bottles
02:37that is so unbelievably lifelike.
02:43And you have not lived until you had a gin and tonic through one of these things.
02:47Oh, my God.
02:48That is nirvana.
02:53You're very kind.
02:56We childproofed our home, but they kept getting in.
02:59Very frustrating.
03:02Two boys.
03:03My wife wanted to name one of them after her grandfather,
03:05but I thought Grandpa was a stupid name, so I vetoed that.
03:09And then she suggested Simon, and I said no,
03:12because then we'll have to do whatever he says, and I am not doing that.
03:16Thank God there were boys, because the girls' name we had picked out was Alexa and Siri,
03:21so we dodged a bullet there.