The viral TikTok influencer shares helpful tips on dating in the digital age and her upcoming appearance at BodCon 2024.
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00:00I'm just excited to share with them some of the things I've learned along this path.
00:08And so what are the things that you've learned along this kind of turbulent and winding road
00:14of taking a chance on love?
00:18First of all, there's nothing wrong with taking a chance. Life is all about chances. Sometimes
00:24it pays off and sometimes it doesn't. And I think that
00:29what has been shown to us a lot of times, romantic comedies and just things that we've seen,
00:35we always see the fairytale ending.
00:38And I feel like I'm trying to do a better job of showing,
00:42it's not always fairytale. Sometimes it is
00:46a nightmare, but the thing is it doesn't have to define you.
00:50Just because I was unlucky in this relationship does not mean I'm unlucky in love as a whole.
00:57Just because I'm single does not mean that I will never find someone. It's a journey.
01:02And for me right now, what I've decided is I'm simply kind of think of it as a road trip.
01:08I've decided to get off
01:11at the next exit at the rest area and rest and get to know myself because
01:17I personally feel like
01:19before I got married, during the marriage, even with the divorce, I lost who I was.
01:25And so all of this has kind of become what people are seeing is a woman who
01:30is kind of rediscovering her foundation, who she is. What is it I enjoy?
01:37What is it that I like to do that doesn't have anything to do
01:40with a significant other? Everyone saw what happened in my previous relationship, but
01:46I want to show
01:48this healing journey.
01:50And sometimes it's beautiful.
01:52Sometimes it is very lonely.
01:54But I'm trying to, I'm really, really trying to be transparent about
01:59y'all, look, I ain't ready to date, doggone it, I'm not.
02:03But, you know, I'm on this, I'm on, I'm at the rest area of this, of this road trip.
02:09And that is perfectly okay. Yeah. I feel like
02:15since many of us are single, Black women are single, and we are kind of
02:20navigating this treacherous terrain, and I say that from experience,
02:25it kind of eats at your confidence a little bit, right?
02:28Yeah. Like, is there something wrong with me? Like I'm
02:31swiping or I'm meeting people or people feel sorry for me and trying to always
02:37help with someone. Is there something wrong with me on why I
02:41am not in a meaningful partnership? And I feel like with your fireside chat with Anita,
02:47it, you'll probably talk about the importance of
02:51honing in on your confidence or repairing, right?
02:56Yeah, because I feel like for me,
02:58my confidence took a huge, first of all, my confidence has taken a hit.
03:03One, when I got divorced. Obviously, the world didn't know what was going on,
03:08but I knew and friends and family knew. It took a huge hit.
03:12And I'll be honest with you. It took a huge hit when I put this story up
03:16because
03:17there was a lot of backlash. There was a lot of negativity that came my way
03:22regarding my looks, how I talk, everything, my size.
03:26So it took a hit, and I feel like it is so important, especially
03:32with us as women, it is important to be your true self that simply says, look,
03:39I am trying to put my pieces back together. Because so oftentimes, it's almost like we judge ourselves off of what we saw
03:47on social media. And I personally just want to be that woman that you see on social media.
03:51It's like, look, at least Risa ain't got it together. And at least she owns it, that she's trying
03:57to put herself back together, get to know herself, heal herself.
04:01And not be so
04:04focused on whether or not I have someone to come home to.
04:09I'm actually more focused on I'm coming home to a peaceful place. That's mine.
04:14No one can take it from me. No one dictates whether or not it's peaceful. It's mine. And that's kind of the narrative
04:22I'm trying to push out a bit more because I myself did not see that often.
04:27Right. And peace is paramount, especially
04:30in this age that we're in with whether
04:34trying to date or just trying to live and thrive.
04:38Peace should be the priority, right? And I think that's what we are trying to convey to our readers that
04:45it's important to take chances on love and make sure that you first prioritize your peace. Yeah. And
04:52with that,
04:55we are wondering, how do we even begin to
05:00navigate this dating culture, especially in digital spaces? I mean, we're inundated with
05:06dating apps and then you have social media with the whole comparison game. So just any tips around that?
05:13I met my ex-husband on a dating app.
05:16I am a big
05:18believer
05:21and I'm a big cheerleader for anyone that does dating apps. I wish them all the best.
05:28For me personally, it's not for me. I know that.
05:31I'm not even going down that road.
05:34However, when it comes to this technological digital age,
05:40I feel like we need to start using these tools
05:44to our advantage. What I mean by that is, look, I put up that 50-part series where I talk about
05:50how
05:51I didn't do something as simple as a background check.
05:54Background checks are easily available to everyone
05:58in this day and age.
06:00I cannot tell you, Dominique, I'm such a big proponent for run that background because
06:08while the social media has opened up the world, the fact of the matter is you really do not know
06:16who you are dealing with.
06:18And why not use that technology to try to find out who you're dealing with before you get in too deep?
06:24So I'm a big proponent for it. Look at the social media. If they don't have social media,
06:29that's not a red flag. Sometimes it's a green flag, but look at it. I mean, why not?
06:34It's there for the public anyway. Go ahead and look at it. Run that background to where you at least have an idea
06:41of what it is you are dealing with. Listen, you got to run that background check. I do that.
06:47Or potential partners.
06:50Or even if I feel like something is a little bit off, like, why are you calling me and it's not your name popping up?
06:59Yeah. Like that. And I'm going to call it out or I'm just not going to engage.
07:04But, you know, with that said, do you have any other
07:08tips around that or just like red flags to look out for? When it comes to dating apps,
07:14if the person you've met is on multiple dating apps,
07:17but they're not matching up,
07:19either
07:20the pictures are not quite the same,
07:23the name isn't quite the same, because again, this happened to me. I did not pick up on it,
07:27where my ex-husband had multiple apps, but they were all under a variation of his name.
07:34That actually is a red flag, because it kind of leaned a little to,
07:39in my opinion, a little to secrecy. And it was like,
07:43why?
07:45So multiple dating apps that are not matching up. And I would compare, if there are multiple dating apps,
07:50I would compare to see, is it the same information? Because in other words, are they kind of presenting themselves one way on
07:58Hinge, but they're presenting themselves a completely different way on
08:02Match.com. When it comes to
08:07any other red flags,
08:13there's nothing wrong with dating apps.
08:16If you meet a guy and y'all hit it off, or you meet a person, because this is for both men and women,
08:21if they are already talking about kind of things that in a way feel very love-bombing so soon,
08:29red flag.
08:30And it's easy to say that, but when you're in a situation and you're ready to get into a relationship and this person is telling you
08:37everything you want to hear,
08:39I would like to caution the audience to kind of pause
08:43and dig a little deeper into that. Because if it's feeling like, man, you know, is this too good to be true?
08:51It probably is. If you're on date number two and he's talking about,
08:55you know, your future together in 20, 30 years and the number of kids and that makes you feel a little antsy, pause.
09:03Because something isn't right about that. We want to be in love. We want to experience love, but love should not be rushed.
09:11To
09:12your credit, it's still so hard to really get to know someone
09:16on an app, even if you do a background check, even if you are sifting through all their social media
09:23profiles of platforms, it's still really, really tough to
09:29get a good sense of a person. And so do you have any tips or advice to
09:36kind of elongate that process, right? I think that what you just mentioned, taking your time is just a big,
09:44the first step, really.
09:46I mean, taking your time is so much easier said than done because when we get into that initial
09:51excitement stage,
09:53it's exciting. Like there's nothing
09:57like you met someone and you don't have to wonder whether or not they like you, like they're pursuing you.
10:05And in my case, that's exactly what happened. I felt like I was being pursued, but I also felt like I was being pursued fast.
10:13And
10:14to the people who feel like, you know what,
10:17I want to take my time, but things are kind of moving fast, but I really like this person.
10:22I know it's hard to kind of pump the brakes a little bit.
10:26But like you said, you never really know. First of all,
10:28you never really know someone until you live with them. And even then you don't know them. So
10:34I don't want to make this into like a super
10:38spiritual thing. For me, it's a simple prayer of God, if this person isn't for me, remove them.
10:43And I leave it alone because if they're not for me, they will actually be removed.
10:48But I respect the fact that not everyone is ready to make that prayer and not everyone wants that answer
10:53because they do want to be in that relationship.
10:56The only thing that I can say, and this is just something I truly feel in my heart, which is for some people,
11:03they feel like the worst thing in the world is being single.
11:07And it's not until you know what it's like to be with the wrong person that you realize
11:12that actually there are things worse than being single.
11:17My heart behind all this is that I hope I can save someone from having to find out that lesson the hard way.
11:24You know what I mean?
11:26But the fact of the matter is if you're not willing to take your time, you do have a higher probability
11:33of finding out that lesson the hard way because you rushed in
11:37and you missed things that would have normally caused you to be like, wait a second, that doesn't seem right.
11:43Or wait a second, that doesn't feel right.
11:47We all, as women, we have that intuition and I'm the first one in line to tell you
11:51this is what happens when you don't listen to it.
11:54This is what can happen. And I think that there's millions of women out there who are like,
11:58I didn't listen to my intuition and child, it was much worse than who the F did I marry. And I understand that but
12:05you've got to take your time and see this person in all four seasons.
12:11Sometimes, us single ladies are getting caught up in wanting to be partnered, whether we have
12:18expectations from our family or just societal expectations. We forget about other connections that can be
12:25beneficial and fulfilling. And I think
12:29having platonic connections in this digital age, too, was a little bit difficult, right?
12:33Like, sometimes we might feel judged or sometimes we might feel perceived.
12:38So I'm wondering how we can navigate that too in this digital age.
12:43One of the things that I feel good about at this point in my life,
12:49the friends I have, my circle, are people who I authentically met, had met before I met them.
12:58Had nothing to do with the internet. It almost...
13:05I'm probably going to get some backlash for this. It almost seems weird to have met a friend
13:12digitally than it did a significant other. Because for me, I've met my friends, I've been through
13:20things with them. I value them. Again, back to that all four seasons. My friends have seen me
13:27angry, crying, hurt, pissed off, ready to fight, take this hair off, go crazy.
13:34And I feel like there is something very, very special in that.
13:39If you were able to cultivate a friendship in this digital age, a real friendship,
13:45that is something that I personally think is so rare that you should absolutely treasure that.
13:52Because people tend to get behind a computer screen, and I don't know what it is.
13:58It's something about nobody can see you, so you feel like you can say whatever,
14:03however vile or disrespectful it is. So it's almost like it's hard to meet a real person
14:09versus their representative when it comes to digital stuff. And I just feel like if you're
14:16I have not experienced meeting true friends through digital media. All of my true friends
14:24are people I have met authentically in my everyday, regular life. And there is no computer
14:31screen filter where I'm saying whatever, and I'm sending out my representative, and you don't even
14:37know who I really am because you've never even met me in real life type thing. So it's hard to,
14:44it's almost easier to start a significant other relationship than it is to start a true
14:51friendship in this digital age. Because it's like, who are you meeting?
14:56Totally. And on the flip side of that, you might be presenting who you are,
15:05your authentic self on social media, and then your new friend might be perceiving you, right?
15:12And you don't get a chance to fully, like you, I just love that Four Seasons example, like,
15:18you don't get a chance to go through all your emotions because they see you one way.
15:23And I don't think that's a real friendship either, because they are perceiving you on
15:28how they view you instead of who you really are. How do we protect ourselves moving forward,
15:35but still, I'll give you an example. I'm a hopeless romantic. I love all the rom-coms.
15:42I'm the one in my friend group that's super optimistic. And, you know, people are like,
15:50how are you so happy and optimistic and everything? And it's like, I don't know, I just am.
15:56So how can one protect ourselves? Because unfortunately, with people like us, we kind of
16:03get taken advantage of because either we're perceived as being naive or just super excited
16:10about a new opportunity. And then it doesn't end up panning out well for us.
16:17So I totally agree with you about being a hopeless romantic. Like I,
16:25I love love, right? And one of the things that I said in that series that resonated with some
16:31people, and when I said it, I remember, so I'll tell you what it is. I said, I thought it was my
16:39turn, right? And I remember when I said it, I literally started choking up because, Dominique,
16:47I kid you not, I thought it was my turn. Like I had seen all these other people with the beautiful
16:53weddings and, you know, I married my best friend and all this. And it was like, I want that. I
17:01think it is such a beautiful thing to be old and you are still walking arm in arm with the same
17:08cane or some whatever. Like I just, I love the idea of growing old with someone and sharing a
17:16life with someone. And for me, I will be honest, it completely blew up in my face. I am at a place
17:25where I'm honest enough to admit I'm still a hopeless romantic who is struggling to not let
17:30herself become a cynic because it's like, you know, this is Atlanta and I'm not trying to date
17:39because it's just horrible out here. No. Instead, what I'm trying to do, and I can only, again,
17:45speak about the journey I've been on and what I'm trying to do that works for me. I'm trying to
17:53create boundaries. And what I mean by that is I know I'm a hopeless romantic. I know that if I'm
18:00in a relationship, I will give it 150%. That is who I am. But the moment it starts to feel like
18:08I'm putting in more than what my investment is returning, I'm out. And that for me is a boundary
18:15that I can live with. I can still be me. I can still love you and I can still want to be your
18:22support system. But the moment it stops feeling as if I'm being poured into, I'm gone. And that's
18:30where I feel like I did not do that before all this. I would still give and give and give. But
18:36how can you give of yourself if you never have somebody pouring into you? And sometimes hopeless
18:43romantics, we give, we give, we give. And then it's like the moment that we need that back,
18:49all of a sudden it's like, well, why can't you do that for me? I did it for you type thing.
18:55And yes, people will be like, how can you still feel this way? Are you sure that you
19:01still believe in love? And I'm like, that's who I am. I'm not going to change who I am
19:06because of this situation, but I am going to have to have some boundaries. And I feel like sometimes
19:12as a hopeless romantic who wants to be in love, who wants to be in a relationship, it's very hard
19:17to define that boundary and stick to it. But I feel like the world changes when we do. In other
19:25words, this is a great guy. But the moment you know he's not a great guy for you, it's okay.
19:33No hurt, no harm, no foul. I'm just going to go and exit stage left because you're not the person
19:39for me. So instead of me being all sad and eating Ben and Jerry's and watching episodes of How to
19:46Get Away with Murder, I now acknowledge he's just not the person for me. The right person for me is
19:52not going to have me feeling like this. He's not going to have me jumping through all these hoops.
19:57He's not going to put me through all this. The right person, I will know when it is and it's
20:03just not you. And that's the boundary. Amen. That's a boundary. And Black women, I think we
20:11all collectively, I don't want to generalize, but we, at least my girlfriends and most of our
20:17readers, are really trying to stick with and cultivate healthy boundaries. And it makes
20:26such a difference throughout every aspect of your life, especially. So thank you so much.
20:33I really appreciate it. Thank you. I loved our conversation.