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00:00I experienced emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, financial abuse and also coercive
00:09controlling behaviour. It all started after about three months of being together, so initially
00:15it was a lot of the love bombing, so very intense messages, wanting to be together all
00:19the time, you know, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me, I love you so
00:22much, I can't believe you've come into my life, I'm so lucky. I kind of thought it was
00:27love that he wanted to know where I was, what I was wearing, who I was seeing, what I was
00:32doing. He would tell me that, you know, no wonder that nobody ever loved me previously,
00:36no wonder I was kind of on my own before I met him, nobody else would love me, nobody
00:41else would want me. You stay in the relationship thinking, oh, well he does really get me,
00:45like, he, you know, he knows how I feel and nobody else is going to want me, so, and you
00:50genuinely believe that, so you stay thinking, okay, well this is, this is what I've got,
00:54this is what my life will look like. And I did try several times to leave the relationship,
00:59but every time I did, he would use coercive controlling behaviour to get me to come back,
01:04so sometimes there was real attempts of suicide, so I'd get kind of the same pattern of, I
01:10would leave, he would attempt suicide, I'd go back and he would say all this stuff. I
01:14think he knew that this time I wasn't coming back, and when he came back, he threw me out
01:19the bed, he smashed my phone against the wall, and that was, I think, the seventh phone I'd
01:23been through in that relationship, so I had no way of calling for help or asking somebody
01:28to come and help me or calling the police or anything, and luckily his friend was there
01:32because he then, when he threw me out the bed, he started kicking me in the chest and
01:36face, and I was kind of cowering on the floor, like, protecting myself with my arms, and
01:41thankfully his friend did come in and get him off me. The relationship had actually
01:45been incredibly abusive, and he had had a choice, and he still chose to continue to
01:50abuse me and to take his own life, leaving a suicide letter that blamed me, and for
01:56many, many years, I blamed me. Some of the days were really dark, like, at times I was
02:01suicidal myself, I didn't know how to cope with the intense feelings, I couldn't understand
02:06it, I couldn't make sense of it, and for years couldn't even admit that I was in an abusive
02:11relationship, because for me it came with kind of a stigma, which sadly is still the
02:15case now, that some people believe actually, you know, that survivor is to blame, it was
02:20her fault, and, you know, she should have just left straight away. I don't think a survivor
02:24ever is able to fully let go or process or make sense of what's happened to them, I think
02:28it's a part of your journey that just shapes you differently, and it takes a long time
02:33to understand it, it's a really complex thing to understand how you have got in that situation
02:39or feel like you've got in that situation. So, are they on any plan currently?
02:43Child in need at the minute.
02:44Child in need, okay. It feels like such an honour to be able to do the work I do now,
02:48because you see a family and a survivor come in, they're very broken, they're in a really
02:52difficult time of their life, and then they kind of do their journey with us and they
02:56leave at the end happy, safe, smiling, looking forward to their future and with hope. Being
03:01a survivor and working in this environment makes a big difference to somebody when they
03:05come through our doors and say, well, you don't understand. Well, actually I do understand
03:10because I've been there, I've, you know, I've worn those shoes, I've lived that experience,
03:13so I can relate to them on a different level of understanding, which somebody who maybe
03:17hasn't been a survivor isn't able to do. This is the home for our survivors, so we don't
03:22wear uniform, it's very relaxed, it's very welcoming, it's kind of made by them and shaped
03:28by them. So, for example, like some of the artwork on the walls is done from previous
03:31survivors that were here. We have a lot of previous survivors that come and volunteer
03:35with us and kind of share their experiences with current survivors. It's kept as homely
03:41and welcoming as possible. So, it's all brand new bedding, pots, pans, toiletries, toys
03:46for the children, a new teddy bear for the children, and then all of that stuff is theirs,
03:50so they use it whilst they're in refuge. And then when they leave us, sort of six, eight
03:54months later, they take that with them on the next step in their journey. And that's
03:57why I now tell my story, is because I really want those that are still living in abusive
04:02relationships to understand that there is hope and you can make your life whatever you
04:07want it to be. For me, all of my dreams have come true. Eleven years on, it's taken a long
04:11time and it's tested me in every way possible, but it's happened and, you know, I'm one of
04:16the lucky ones that's still here today to tell my story.