• 2 years ago
Casey is a death doula. Her client, Brooke, is dying from a brain tumor.

Together, they explore the topic of her death and how it will affect her family, who have already endured a tragic loss. Filmmaker Léo Hamelin documents their journey for Brut.

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News
Transcript
00:00What do you think the hardest part of this journey has been on your family?
00:05It's that I'm not really doing very well, but I'm still here, and that's all that matters.
00:14So they're going to be very upset when I'm not here anymore, you know what I mean?
00:19And it's going to be very upsetting to all of them, and something's going to have to be explained to them.
00:27I'm going to have to explain this to them.
00:29How would you explain it to them?
00:32I would say, remember when I could still dance and make you a meal, drive you somewhere?
00:41Do all these things.
00:44And they will all understand.
00:47No one will be upset with me.
00:49The last time that we spoke, you and your husband were mentioning that you have decided
00:55that you're not going to do any more surgeries, and whatever happens, you're going to let nature run its course.
01:00Yes.
01:01What would you have wanted for the end-of-life choices?
01:06Just flicking a switch and turning it off, you know what I mean?
01:09And to be able to say, this is not how I want to live my life, and I'm not going to do this.
01:16And that was never a choice for me.
01:19Nobody even had this conversation with me.
01:22So I think this is pretty outstanding that we're having this conversation.
01:27Hey.
01:28Hey, what's up?
01:29Come here for a second.
01:43I am an end-of-life doula.
01:45I'm 23 years old.
01:48I am somebody who helps people make sure that they have an easier transition from this life into the unknown.
02:00This is actually my very first client.
02:03Her name is Brooke, and she is the mother to my friend Jeremy.
02:08She's got another son, Max, and her youngest son, Diego.
02:11She also has another daughter named Sarah, who is no longer with us.
02:15She is so funny and interesting, and I really have always loved talking to her, especially now.
02:23It really shifted my perspective as well.
02:27And I feel by helping the dying, you are helping the people who love them.
02:33So what do you think is something I can do to best support you and your family through all of this?
02:40Well, I'm working on a psychology bachelor's, so that's kind of my bias.
02:47My dad is obviously super uncomfortable with the idea of death and loss and disappearing and just disappearing into the void.
02:56And my mom is in a lot of pain, and she kind of tells me all the time, like, you know, I'm more dead than alive right now.
03:05It scares the s*** out of us when she's being candid, because, you know, it feels like, oh, this could be the moment, you know.
03:12Like, she's telling us what we need to hear before she slips away.
03:18But refusing to be numb is probably the most important thing you can do, though,
03:23because you have to accept the consequences of what's to come.
03:28Otherwise, you just become numb and dead inside, and, you know, you're really just putting off the problem.
03:36And I apologize in advance. I may not remember what we're doing.
03:41Okay?
03:43Right now, we're doing this project, and in this project, there's a group of people that are behind the project,
03:52and they're accepting the role.
03:55And I apologize in advance, I may not remember what we're doing, okay?
04:00Right now we're doing this project, and in this project I am trained as a death midwife.
04:12And my goal is to honor you in this time of your life in the best way that I can.
04:23You and Hector met at a wedding, right?
04:27Yes, we met at a wedding in Kansas City.
04:31She was making eyes at me, and I was like, uh-oh.
04:34It was awkward, but not really. I was like, forget everybody else.
04:39How can you not fall in love with this guy? I would challenge any woman.
04:44It was phenomenal. I saw you, and I just could not look away.
04:49And, of course, I had a boyfriend with me, and he had a girlfriend with him.
04:53And so it was just too bad for these people.
04:57Sorry.
05:00That's so beautiful.
05:03A lot of stories in there, for sure.
05:05I used to be very bright.
05:08You still are.
05:09Very verbal. Very, very verbal.
05:12Oh, you definitely still are.
05:13Yes.
05:15And you can hear Hector. He's so funny.
05:19But...
05:24It's all...
05:27It's all so different now, you know?
05:30And that's the hard thing.
05:35Her personality is different.
05:39I miss the old Brooke.
05:48I miss the old Brooke.
06:07My mom was an art teacher, and my dad is a musician.
06:10We were encouraged to create.
06:19Diego, say hi.
06:22We all have a soft spot for her.
06:25She's one of the kindest souls I've ever met.
06:28With what little energy she has, she'll always love everything around her
06:32and find something nice to talk about.
06:38Just her not being there, I don't know if I would handle that.
06:42As much as I've never been able to comprehend death,
06:46she's the person I've always been the most terrified of losing.
06:53She's always ready to teach you the important things
06:56and move past the small talk.
06:59She's like, Max, are you in love?
07:01Like, Max, don't have children yet when you're not ready.
07:04Okay, I don't know.
07:06All these things you wouldn't expect to talk to your parent about.
07:09Oh yeah, Diego's shirt is cool.
07:12Mom, look at my shirt.
07:14It's awesome.
07:16Or whatever that is.
07:19And it's kind of weird too, because I feel like the more positive she gets about death,
07:23I feel like for some reason that's bringing her closer to leaving.
07:29In a way.
07:31I don't know why, but I just get that feeling.
07:45I have to force myself to come here.
07:52It's difficult to think of her this way.
07:56How beautiful and vibrant she was.
08:00So full of life and so full of energy.
08:03Never did I imagine this.
08:07It was on the way back from Disneyland,
08:12in the carpool lane,
08:14and a lady got onto the freeway
08:17and went the wrong way to die.
08:21The lady was ready to die.
08:24And instead, she killed Sarah.
08:27And she killed Sarah.
08:30And instead, she killed Sarah.
08:35And instead, she killed Sarah.
08:37And it's just so sad.
08:40And it's just so sad.
08:47Love of my life.
08:51When I met Brooke,
08:53I knew I was in love,
08:55but I didn't know what love was until I met my daughter.
08:58On the first day she was born.
09:05Losing a child is just no comparison.
09:08You just don't get over it.
09:10Yeah.
09:16I'm sorry.
09:18It's difficult.
09:23She was very talented.
09:25I don't know.
09:26Did Jeremy talk about her much?
09:29Yeah, he does.
09:31She was very musical and artistic.
09:35And very kind.
09:37She was like, she had the biggest heart.
09:40She had so many friends because she was just a kind person.
09:45She was so incredible that I didn't even really know her until she'd passed.
09:51And then I had to relearn this whole experience through her friends.
09:56And so it was very painful, but also just a beautiful thing.
10:06Because I really got to see this whole other side of her personality.
10:10Thank you for sharing.
10:13What are some things that she did in her life that you are really proud of?
10:19She had a beautiful voice.
10:21I mean, since you asked.
10:49How does it feel to have a child?
10:52It feels amazing.
10:54It's like a dream come true.
10:56It's like a dream come true.
10:58It's like a dream come true.
11:00It's like a dream come true.
11:01It's like a dream come true.
11:02It's like a dream come true.
11:03It's like a dream come true.
11:04It's like a dream come true.
11:05It's like a dream come true.
11:06It's like a dream come true.
11:07It's like a dream come true.
11:08It's like a dream come true.
11:09It's like a dream come true.
11:10It's like a dream come true.
11:11It's like a dream come true.
11:12It's like a dream come true.
11:13It's like a dream come true.
11:14It's like a dream come true.
11:15It's like a dream come true.
11:16It's like a dream come true.
11:18How does it feel for you guys to have this discussion and talk about this?
11:24It brings up a lot of pain, right?
11:26You kind of bury it.
11:27Yeah.
11:28Try to, but you really can't.
11:32I mean, it's good to talk about her.
11:34Just looking around your home and hearing all of you speak about her,
11:39I don't think it's any secret how much you love her.
11:43And I think it really shows through all of your actions.
11:46Thanks.
11:49I can't help it. I'm her dad, right?
11:55She was just getting straight A's and smoking weed in the back of her friend's car
12:02in the high school parking lot is what I remember.
12:06So she was definitely a cool kid.
12:11It's not something you can just bring up in conversation usually.
12:14And I wish it'd be nice because it'd be easier for people to talk about.
12:18But we're just not there yet, I guess.
12:27There's never enough talking about the ones that are gone, I think.
12:34But, yeah.
12:35Do you want to tell me a little bit about Sarah?
12:44Yeah.
12:49Can we...
12:53wait on that?
12:57Like all the time you need.
13:01I feel like I want to talk about her all the time,
13:05but it brings up a lot of emotions and it's really heavy.
13:12I feel like that's the one thing...
13:18that...
13:20because I feel like my mom has really helped me, kind of,
13:23accept her passing.
13:24But I feel like the one thing that I'm, like, really going to be upset about
13:32is not being able to talk to my mom about my sister.
13:42I don't want this house to just be, you know,
13:44a memorial to my sister and my mom.
13:46I don't want it to be a memorial to my family.
13:49I don't want this house to just be, you know,
13:51a memorial to my sister and my mom.
13:53But that's why I think the death doer can be so important.
13:58I feel like that can shake us.
14:02Especially at a time where there's very little time left to work together.
14:20Everyone only knew me as Sarah's brother,
14:22and I was a shoulder to cry on for everybody for some reason.
14:27It was crazy.
14:28And I couldn't really handle that.
14:30So I said,
14:31fuck it, let's...
14:33I'll just change schools.
14:34We were at, like, a party.
14:37And everyone else had fallen asleep,
14:39and you and I were staying up late,
14:43continuing the degenerate behavior.
14:45Yep.
14:47And you had told me honestly
14:52about your sister and everything like that.
14:54And in that moment,
14:55I knew that you and I were going to be friends for a very long time.
14:58I did, too.
14:59You were asking such good questions, too.
15:01Stuff I hadn't considered before.
15:03And that actually helped set me down
15:05a healthier path than what I had started at the time.
15:11That's probably the hardest thing to do, though,
15:13is to make your pain external.
15:16Starting my death doula journey with your family
15:20has been something I'm so grateful for.
15:24And I really look up to you guys.
15:27And knowing your story is part of the reason I am so death positive.
15:34We're definitely very morbid kids.
15:44Hello.
15:46Hello.
16:00The one thing that made me feel the most at peace
16:03is, although I may not see her in front of me,
16:07just her spirit or her energy is still here,
16:10because I still feel it.
16:11I'll hear a song or I'll just think of her,
16:13and the very next second I'll look up in the sky and I see a hawk,
16:16and so I'm always just like, oh, maybe that's her spirit
16:19trying to remind me to keep my spirits up
16:22and that she's not actually as far away as I think.
16:26These remind me of sunflowers.
16:29They're so beautiful.
16:31Oh, thanks.
16:32I know, and Hector is so sweet about these,
16:36like, I was trying to get more things blooming.
16:38And I was like, why would you do that?
16:41It's not even that time of year and you're going to do this?
16:44And he's like, I'm just going to do this.
16:45And I was like, I'm just going to do this.
16:47And I was like, I'm just going to do this.
16:49And he's like, I'm just going to do this.
16:51And he's like, I'm just going to do this.
16:53I was like, why would you do that?
16:54It's not even that time of year.
16:55And he was like, because of you, you know?
16:58So it is, it's pretty incredible.
17:03Moms can always get their older kids to do things for them
17:05that you would never, ever imagine
17:07having anybody do for them.
17:08Do you have any ideas of things you'd like
17:10your family members to do together to honor you?
17:16It'd be so fun if we could do schedule an art workshop,
17:19something for them to just do together as a group.
17:24Where do you think would be a nice place
17:26for that mural to go?
17:28I don't even know.
17:31Maybe on the back side of the house.
17:33Yeah, on this wall right here?
17:34Yeah, yeah.
17:35What do you think?
17:36I think it would bring some color on the seasons
17:39that things are not blooming.
17:40Yes, I do too.
17:42Yeah.
17:43To continue this call in English, please stay on the line.
17:46Would you like to buy six spanish angelos
17:49for the flavor of margarita or churro?
17:51Or churro.
17:54Please say yes or no.
17:56Is this a good restaurant?
17:59Yes.
18:02More chemo, more chemo on the way.
18:04That shit's nasty too.
18:05It was brutal for her this time.
18:07Very brutal.
18:08There's even a point of chemo
18:09if it does nothing but make life miserable.
18:11It's keeping her alive.
18:13The dosage was a bit high for her in it.
18:16It was pretty hard on her.
18:19Well, hopefully the next dosage reduced
18:23and she'll be able to tolerate better.
18:26We'll see.
18:27Is she all right?
18:27She's still vertical.
18:28She's gonna come out to eat.
18:30Yeah, I told her we have cookies
18:32to give her some extra motivation.
18:34Yeah, it works.
18:37I feel like my entire generation's like humor is just,
18:41yeah, really,
18:42because we all just joke about our trauma to get over it.
18:47I mean, it's kind of nice to be able to talk about it though
18:50because I feel like no one in this family ever does
18:55talk about that stuff.
18:58Everyone's so iffy about it.
19:04No one ever dared talk to me about it
19:05because I was the little kid
19:06that had to deal with it all right over.
19:09And you just feel like this weird sense
19:11of loss and bitterness.
19:12I just missed out.
19:13You just missed out, that's it.
19:15Exactly, you missed out on our childhood.
19:18So you're perfectly fine until you figured out
19:20what a normal childhood looked like
19:22and then you got pissed.
19:26I just get confused.
19:26I'm like, what?
19:29Like, I go into normal houses and I feel uncomfortable.
19:32Right, because everyone's so,
19:34like, why can't you talk?
19:36Yeah, I feel like everyone's being like passive aggressive
19:38or like I can't understand people's tones.
19:42And like, I just don't get
19:44the whole normal family dynamic at all.
19:46It doesn't.
19:46Well, I mean, there's no such thing as normal,
19:47but like for the most part.
19:49Normal.
19:50They'll actually be like, you know,
19:51trying to make a pass towards normality.
19:58It'd be fun to do baking therapy
20:00where you just sit there and cook
20:01and talk about your feelings.
20:06Okay, what?
20:12You know, I don't know what normal is.
20:14I just don't.
20:16I'm not in a normal family.
20:20It's like an emotional rollercoaster.
20:23She's doing fine.
20:24She's not doing fine.
20:26She's stable.
20:27She's critical.
20:30I don't know what's worse.
20:33Letting her go or just living like this.
20:35I don't know.
20:36I don't know.
20:37I don't know.
20:38I don't know.
20:39I don't know.
20:40I don't know.
20:40Living like this.
20:42I become conflicted, you know?
20:43Sometimes I have to detach myself
20:45so I don't feel any emotion.
20:46It's either I feel the pain and I feel the grief
20:51or I just, what I mostly do is just be the caregiver
20:55and just go through the motions.
20:57But sometimes I turn into a real asshole
20:59when I'm like that.
21:01Just, we just talked about it too.
21:03I'm going like, why don't you just, you know,
21:04let go, just go already.
21:07Yeah, she's like, yeah, I know.
21:08I should be dead already.
21:09But then I can think about the kids
21:12and I'm like, no, they need you.
21:14So stick around.
21:16Let's fight this.
21:18She's not able to, I don't think so.
21:20I'm sure she would if she could.
21:30Talk about the mural now or?
21:33So the conversations that I've had with your mom,
21:38she said that it was really important to her
21:40that you guys all did something together.
21:42And one of the ideas that she had
21:45was that you all painted a mural for the backyard
21:49and it was really collaborative
21:51and that you guys all painted
21:53your favorite plants or flowers.
21:56And it was really special to her
21:58that it was all a part of all of you guys.
22:01And I was thinking that we can just get collaborating
22:07and think of something really interesting visually to do.
22:19Do you think that opening you guys up
22:23to these sorts of conversations and stuff
22:25have made you feel any differently about your experience
22:28or just the way that you even exist in your space?
22:34Yeah.
22:35I think sometimes maybe it does take a third party
22:42to kind of be like, hey, we're gonna do this,
22:46whether you like it or not,
22:47because it's what you need.
22:49And I think that's a great thing.
22:51Because I think we've kind of been needing
22:52something like that, just like a healing moment.
22:56We basically needed an intervention.
22:59Because obviously the conversations that we have
23:02in regards to my doula work are on the heavier side
23:06and it is a lot to be asking you guys
23:08to bring these things up.
23:10And what is it that I can be doing to support you guys
23:13and best serve you the best way that I can
23:17emotionally, mentally, spiritually?
23:20I think the only thing that worries me
23:22is how we'll be as a family after she's gone.
23:28And I feel like right now would be the best time
23:31to do as much as we can to make sure
23:34that we're close and not like,
23:39when tragedy happens and everyone closes each other out
23:44or doesn't want to talk about it.
23:46Because the fact that she's the thing holding us together.
23:51Wish we could just forgive all the ADHD stuff
23:53we do to each other.
23:56What are some things that you've done
23:58that you want to apologize to your brothers about?
24:02I'll go first.
24:03Sure.
24:04Just like not being present or like,
24:07if I like notice that you guys are like not well,
24:10then I might like not make an effort to butt in
24:14because either I don't feel like I'm in a place
24:17where I could even help or I just,
24:20I regret not like being there anytime I can
24:22because I don't know, I would want that too.
24:28So sorry for ignoring you guys.
24:31Sorry for breaking you guys' Legos when I was like five.
24:36I'm still upset about that.
24:38No, I'm just kidding.
24:39Sorry for hiding.
24:41I feel like I always just hide from you guys
24:43because I don't, I'm not comfortable feeling my feelings
24:47around you guys sometimes.
24:49It's okay.
24:50And it's just because of the climate and the environment
24:52and it's not your guys' fault, but it also is.
24:55It's none of our faults.
24:58We're all just suffering at the same time
24:59and we just have to make it worse for each other sometimes.
25:03Sorry for exploding from across the house
25:07or whatever I suck you guys into trying to, I don't know.
25:15It's like bipolar versus ADHD, the showdown.
25:22It's like we're all waiting for something to happen
25:24but I feel like we all have to just like put our anger
25:28and sadness aside and band together.
25:30What are some things that you guys do together
25:33that make you feel like close?
25:35Cooking meals, art.
25:37Like music and art and stuff.
25:41Cause we have a wannabe rock star
25:42and an ex art teacher for parents, so yeah.
25:47I think you guys all have like a really cool art style.
25:52I'm glad that you guys have that
25:54and you guys have each other to do that with too.
25:59Ha, that's so close.
26:05So the last time that we spoke,
26:08I asked you about what is important to you
26:12that happens after your final breaths.
26:15And you mentioned that it was really important
26:19for your mother and your sister to come out here
26:23and to look through your things and sort through that.
26:28Is there anything in particular that you own
26:32that you would like to be given to anyone specifically?
26:37Hey Hector, will you bring out that tray please?
26:44All right, hopefully the local thieves
26:46won't be watching this.
26:49The box itself is so pretty too.
26:51Oh, I know, isn't it beautiful?
26:53Yes, I agree.
26:54I guess she wants to open all of these, so.
26:58Wait till you see it, you'll crack up.
27:00Is this a jewelry condom?
27:02It's not a jewelry condom, you're so funny.
27:06What the heck's with all the bags?
27:09Lofty ideas.
27:12Someday, each girl, as she's chosen to marry one of my boys,
27:18is gonna come and choose which one she wants.
27:21I don't think they do that anymore, do they?
27:23What?
27:24Get married?
27:26Yes, they do.
27:28My boys are all gonna get married.
27:31Why would you do that to them?
27:34Hector.
27:35I say if I don't laugh, I'll be crying,
27:36that's just the bottom line.
27:40They're all supposed to be for Sarah.
27:42Mm-hmm, who's not here anymore.
27:45That's so beautiful.
27:47Oh, you got anything I can cash in?
27:49No, you're not cashing anything in.
27:52You're gonna be in big trouble if you have to do that.
27:54You're so funny.
27:56What's going on?
27:57What's going on?
27:58Hello.
27:58Hello, did you have a lot of tours?
28:00Yeah, we did two back-to-back.
28:02Nice.
28:08They're each incredible, incredible boys.
28:12Incredible men.
28:14And so, the things that I would want to say to them,
28:19and many years away from this time,
28:24would be just that, how proud I am of them.
28:31What incredible people they are.
28:35And all of the good that they do for others.
28:37It's just a beautiful thing, you know, to see it.
28:40If there's anything else that you want to say
28:42before we finish up today and continue on Thursday.
28:45No, you know, I appreciate this, it's cathartic.
28:48It's like when you're in social situations,
28:50you don't want to talk about these things, so.
28:53Yeah.
28:54Being able to talk about it helps.
28:57Yeah, but it was a little long.
28:59Yeah.
29:00That'll do it.
29:05Strong, strong, fast, man, strong.
29:52She's more dead than alive at the moment.
29:55She's spending more time in the land of unconsciousness.
30:00I think she already knows what it feels like
30:02on the other side.
30:04But I feel like we've been preparing for it for so long,
30:06it doesn't feel like a time
30:07where we weren't preparing for it.
30:11She really loves you guys a lot.
30:16I love you guys.
30:17I love you.
30:18I love you.
30:19I love you.
30:20I love you.
30:21I love you.
30:21I love you.
30:22I love you.
30:23I love you.
30:24I love you.
30:25I love you.
30:26I love you.
30:27I love you.
30:28I love you.
30:29I love you.
30:35You know, it is really interesting
30:37seeing the dynamics of their family shift
30:43because I feel at least from an outsider looking in
30:47it started as this is just kind of something
30:49that we deal with, you know, and I think that doula work has really grounded people, you
31:03know.
31:04And I feel that more people will feel inspired to realize that they're not alone and that
31:12death does not have to mean suffering and that grief is natural.

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