Prominent fashion designer Saisha Shinde talked to Brut about how she struggled with her gender identity for years before accepting that she was a trans woman.
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CreativityTranscript
00:00We're talking about a time where we didn't have social media, we didn't have social media
00:29Internet was just sort of creeping in our lives. So there was very little information and the only visual medium I had was movies and the representation that I saw on movies was that of a joke, was that of a caricature and was that for humor, was that for humor and I couldn't identify with that.
00:50So for me, the easiest way to sort of be my true self was to be what the society and what the gay community deems ideal, which was this hyper masculine brooding sort of a man. And so that's the direction I went in purposely. I consciously started walking like a man, you know, I consciously started to gain muscle.
01:15I used to have a stubble, I used to have a beard. And the reason, of course, was that no one really questions or doubts me because even in the gay community, there is this thing called straight looking where the boys want anyone who's straight looking.
01:31As I said, since there was no sort of information, I also went in the direction of, OK, let me just be straight looking. Maybe then my acceptance will be larger. Maybe then the stigma won't be there. Maybe then the society boys will stop teasing me. Maybe then the college boys will stop teasing me.
01:47I went to a really renowned psychiatrist and when he told me that, oh, you are not really trans, you're a gay man, look at you, you're a strapping lad, you've got this amazing body and height. Why do you want to transition? Somewhere in the deep corners of my heart, I felt happiness that, oh, I'm not trans, I'm actually just gay. But then, of course, that's not what it was.
02:17I used to not sleep at night and I was popping pills up, down and centre. That's when I realised, OK, something's definitely not right again.
02:47I am definitely thankful to Lockup because they selected someone who is just like one of us, because for years we've seen just a caricature of what is the ideal image of a trans woman. And not all of us are like that.