Reflecting on his tumultuous relationship with his father, Ranbir Kapoor revealed how Rishi Kapoor's temperament and emotional distance shaped his childhood.
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00:00I, Nikhil, never saw his eye colour.
00:02I was always like this.
00:03You know, for me, I didn't cry when my father passed away.
00:05My parents went through, like, sh**, like, fights, you know.
00:14My father was, he was a short-tempered man, but he was a very good man.
00:19You know, he's somebody who really loved his family, loved his work,
00:23loved his food, loved his alcohol.
00:25You know, he was a very open person.
00:26Did you think of him that way from the very beginning?
00:28Like, growing up, one to ten?
00:30I, Nikhil, never saw his eye colour.
00:32I was always like this.
00:33I was just like, yes.
00:34I never said no.
00:35You know, I was so scared.
00:36Like the movie, Animal.
00:37Animal, I was more obsessed with him.
00:39Here, I was scared of my dad.
00:40You know, like, he never shouted at us.
00:43He never raised his hand.
00:44But just because around us, his temperament was so, like, volatile.
00:48Like, it always scared me.
00:50So, anybody who speaks in a louder tone from childhood, it started disturbing.
00:54My parents went through, like, sh**s of, like, fights.
00:59You know, man.
00:59We live in a bungalow.
01:00So, I've spent, like, most of my childhood on the staircases hearing them fight.
01:04So, I was always a little scared.
01:07And I was always on the edge.
01:08But I think both of them were going through a very rough patch.
01:12They both loved each other.
01:13And eventually, they found beautiful companionship.
01:16My father was not an expressive person.
01:17So, I never felt, I never understood or heard his point of view.
01:21Even, like, to express his love to me, he never could, like, hold my hand.
01:24He would hug me.
01:24But his hug had a...
01:26You know, it wasn't a hug.
01:27He just was very distant.
01:29I knew he loved me a lot.
01:30He cared a lot for me.
01:31I got the experience of America.
01:33It was not really the college experience.
01:35But just the experience of the exposure.
01:38You know, just interacting with students from all over the world.
01:40Living alone.
01:41My father kept me on a very tight budget.
01:45Just to give you an example.
01:48Of course, when I say tight budget, I'm still coming from a privileged background.
01:51But it was enough that I could have a McDonald's dollar menu meal for lunch and dinner.
01:57So, it was like $2 lunch, $2 dinner.
01:59You know, it was as strict as that.
02:01Even though I come from a privileged background.
02:03This was when I came back and I started assisting Mr. Bansali on a film called Black.
02:07I was an assistant director.
02:08He took away my car.
02:09So, I had to travel in public transport.
02:10I was not getting any pocket money.
02:13So, I think he really wanted to school me in a way that,
02:15yaar, this is not life.
02:16You know, you're too moisturized.
02:18You need to really see what hardship is.
02:20Great relationship with my mother.
02:22Not so great with my father.
02:23Distant, but loved and respected him.
02:26You know, for me, I didn't cry when my father passed away.
02:28I know that when the doctor told me the night that I was in the hospital,
02:32I was spending the night there.
02:33I stayed there for quite some time.
02:35And he said that this is his last night and he's going to go anytime soon.
02:38I remember I went up to the room and I got a panic attack.
02:41Because I didn't know how to express myself.
02:43I didn't know what was happening.
02:44There's too much to take.
02:46But I don't think I've grieved.
02:48I don't think I've understood the loss.
02:51I mean, losing one of your parents is a very big moment.
02:55Do you feel guilt?
02:57I feel guilt as much as guilt as he felt while he was going away.
03:02Because that one year that we spent together in New York
03:05while his treatment was on,
03:08he often spoke about that.
03:10You know, one day, I was there for like 45 days stretch.
03:13And he came to my room and he just started crying.
03:15And he's never showed that kind of weakness to me.
03:18And it was so awkward for me
03:20because I didn't know if I should go hold him.
03:22I should hug him.
03:24And I really realized the distance.
03:26And I felt...
03:28I feel guilty that I didn't have the grace
03:33to let go of the distance or the glass between us
03:36and go and hug him or give him some love.
03:40So I have guilt for that.