“You don’t realise that you’re in depression.” Mirzapur actor Harshita Gaur shared her struggle with depression in this candid conversation with Brut.
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00:00So I thought, now that this show is on, I'll get a call from Dharma and Yashraj.
00:07I hadn't left my house for 4 days. I was crying the whole day.
00:13My weight had dropped by 7-8 kgs.
00:16Dimpy Pandit's case is very sad.
00:18She was also washed away in the Bheti Ganga.
00:23Do you remember the first audition?
00:25Actually, I remember Sardar Haq's audition.
00:27So in real life, I'm a bit clumsy.
00:30Not anymore. I'm a lot better now.
00:33I'm a lot more proper. But I was very clumsy.
00:36Sometimes, something fell off my hand.
00:38My mom used to say, don't stand in the kitchen.
00:40Something will fall off my hand.
00:42So, don't stand in the kitchen.
00:44And it fell off while walking.
00:46Or the table got stuck.
00:47So, a lot of things happen with me.
00:49It still happens a lot.
00:52So, even in that audition, I was a bit clumsy.
00:58I remember she said to me,
01:00you were so clumsy in your audition, that we liked that.
01:05And if anyone has seen Sardar Haq,
01:07in the beginning, he was shown clumsy.
01:09So, I was very clumsy in my audition too.
01:12So, I felt that I had sent a very bad audition.
01:15But they liked that clumsiness.
01:18So, you worked in that for 3 years.
01:22Yes, for 2.5 years.
01:24From 2013 to 2016.
01:26And then, when did you go into depression?
01:30So, actually in 2017,
01:32I had reached Bombay with work.
01:36As soon as I reached Bombay,
01:38every day,
01:40except for 20 days,
01:42the starting 10-15 days,
01:44when I used to meet people,
01:46every day for 2.5 years,
01:48I worked for 14-20 hours.
01:5214-20 hours?
01:53Yes, 14-20 hours.
01:54Every day, for 2.5 years.
01:57Now, as soon as it got over,
02:00I thought,
02:01because I didn't know
02:03that when people don't have work in Bombay,
02:05what do they do?
02:07So, I had no idea.
02:09So, I thought, now that this show is going on,
02:12I'll get a call from Dharma and Yashraj.
02:16And next,
02:17the work will go on,
02:18because there is no understanding.
02:21One month went by,
02:22two months went by.
02:23I got a South Indian film,
02:25which they later said no.
02:27When I reached there,
02:28I even shot there.
02:29Within a week,
02:30they said,
02:31no, you are not suiting us.
02:33A particular body type.
02:35Six months went by,
02:36seven months went by.
02:37And if I haven't seen a single day
02:39without work in Bombay,
02:41for 2.5 years,
02:42and seven months have passed,
02:44then I went to a different world.
02:47I mean, I didn't leave my house for four days.
02:50I used to pretend at home
02:52that I was fine,
02:53but I was crying the whole day.
02:56And if anyone said anything,
02:58I used to feel very bad.
03:00When this happens to you for the first time,
03:02and at that time,
03:03the way we talk about mental health now,
03:06we didn't do it at that time.
03:09But it wasn't like that before.
03:11And on top of that,
03:12when you go there for the first time,
03:14then you don't know
03:15that you are in depression.
03:16When you come out of it,
03:17only then do you understand
03:19that it is called depression.
03:21Otherwise,
03:22I didn't have any knowledge.
03:24I just knew
03:25that I was sitting at home
03:26and crying the whole day.
03:27And I didn't feel anything strange.
03:31Then when I didn't leave my house
03:33for 4-5 days,
03:34then my neighbor aunty,
03:35she had an extra key.
03:37So she came in
03:38and then maybe she noticed.
03:40Then she talked to me.
03:42Then my mom also came
03:45to stay with me for a month.
03:48Then I did a workshop
03:49which felt very therapeutic for me.
03:52At that time,
03:53if someone told me
03:54to go and see a therapist,
03:56then I would have definitely done that.
03:58Now my weight had dropped 7-8 kgs.
04:02So I understood all these symptoms later.
04:06Now I know
04:07that if I ever feel like this,
04:09then I know
04:10that I have to go to a therapist.
04:12So when you went from Delhi to Mumbai,
04:14you were an outsider.
04:15Yes.
04:17And now after 10 years,
04:18do you still feel like an outsider?
04:19I don't know if I am an insider.
04:23I was just asking
04:24if you still feel like an outsider.
04:28I think we have given
04:30the term outsider
04:32to those people
04:33who are not from a film background.
04:35Right?
04:36So that's the same thing.
04:38Even in the next 50 years,
04:40unless I marry someone
04:42who is from a film background,
04:45but I am not from a film background.
04:48So I will always be an outsider.
04:51But if we are talking
04:53about the feeling of an outsider,
04:55if you ever feel like that,
04:57then I don't say that I feel like that.
04:59Like I told you,
05:00my neighbors are my second parents.
05:05I see them
05:06as my other parents.
05:08I was in Bombay
05:09during the first lockdown.
05:10The entire lockdown.
05:11I didn't feel like coming home.
05:13I mean, I could have come home.
05:14But my mom and I
05:16were like,
05:17auntie is here,
05:18she will be out the whole day.
05:19So that can only happen
05:20when you associate
05:21with someone like a family.
05:24So I don't feel like an outsider
05:25in terms of feelings.
05:27But the term
05:28that is used
05:29for that
05:30will always be there.