Video Information: 31.01.23, Hansraj College, Delhi
Context:
~ How to not feel hurt?
~ How to forgive people?
~ How to not get easily offended?
~ People easily affect you?
~ Suffering from social anxiety.
Music Credits: Milind Date
~~~~~
Context:
~ How to not feel hurt?
~ How to forgive people?
~ How to not get easily offended?
~ People easily affect you?
~ Suffering from social anxiety.
Music Credits: Milind Date
~~~~~
Category
📚
LearningTranscript
00:00Hello sir, my name is Chetna. My question is, whenever someone insults me, I am not
00:15able to forgive them. I feel deeply hurt and that hurt prolongs and even after a long time,
00:23I am not able to forgive the people who hurt me. So, I don't like this about myself.
00:29How can I change this?
00:37Any kind of harm that can come to you, can come only due to lack of self-knowledge. We
00:50live, we say we exist, we keep on uttering the word I, but we never clearly, very assuredly
01:06know who we are. There is a vague feeling, there is some kind of estimate that we carry,
01:19we have a hazy feel of ourselves, but we do not know for sure who we are and what
01:28we are referring to when we say I. So, that is our situation. We walk around, we carry
01:36I cards, we carry Aadhaar cards, we say we are, I am, I exist, I am, I exist, but I never
01:47fully, surely, clearly know who I am. What is the result?
01:57Let us conduct a small experiment here itself. Let us say we do not know the exact name of
02:15this flower. So, now, give it a name, give it a name, give some name. One of you, give
02:28it a name. Chesna, give it a name. Lily, right? She does not know, but she is still giving
02:35it a name, right? Now, you here, someone else, just raise your hand, just anybody. Can you
02:43be fully sure that this is not Lily? You do not know what this flower is. Can you be
02:52fully sure what the real name of this is? So, she said Lily. When I do not know whether
03:00or not this is actually Lily, there remains some probability that this might be Lily,
03:07right? The probability that this is Lily can never become, come on, 0, because I do
03:14not know whether this is Lily. Now, I might as well say something totally absurd about
03:20this flower. I might go to the extent of saying that this is not a flower at all. I might
03:24say this is a shoe. Now, that sounds so absurd, so weird, right? Somebody is saying this is
03:30a shoe, but then I do not know what it is. So, I will feel that the fellow is saying
03:36something very unacceptable, a crazy kind of thing. They are saying this is a shoe,
03:46but I will never be able to confidently, assuredly refute him. There will remain a doubt, a lingering
03:56doubt. Who knows for sure? Maybe this is actually a shoe, because I have never bothered
04:05to closely enquire and know what this really is. So, somebody calls it a shoe, some part
04:12of me, even if a small part, gets into a doubt, starts thinking what if this really is a shoe?
04:22And all of that happens because I do not have knowledge of what it actually is. Now,
04:30here we are referring to an external object. We are referring to a flower. In life, this
04:37flower is who I am and I do not know who I am. So, someone comes and says you are a shoe.
04:45Now, I do not feel like being a shoe, but then that person has just lobbed it very
04:53confidently towards me. Hello, there, you are a shoe. So, I start shivering within. I do not
05:04know who I am, right? Equally someone can come and tell me you are a fool. Now, do I clearly
05:11know who I am? If I clearly know who I am, then it would not matter to me what others talk about
05:20me, exclaim to me as, address me as, name me as, it would not just matter, right? Here you are,
05:34and you are Chetna, right? And I say, no, no, Rekha is an utter idiot. Does it matter to you?
05:44Why does it not matter to you? And I am pointing at you, I am saying Rekha is an idiot. Does it
05:51matter to you? Did you feel hurt? Did the question of forgiving even arise? When does the question
05:59of forgiving the offender arise? When you are first of all offended. But here I am saying,
06:07Rekha, you are an idiot. Why is she not offended? Why is she not offended, please? She knows she
06:18is Chetna. If I know who I am, and someone tells me I am somebody else, to me that would be at
06:25most a joke, right? To me at that would be at most a joke. But suppose she has some kind of
06:33amnesia right now, forgetfulness, she does not know who she is, and I am saying Rekha,
06:39what will she be forced to believe then? Who knows, maybe really I am Rekha? After all,
06:48he is saying I am Rekha. And Rekha is being talked off as an idiot. What if there are 10
06:56people around you who tell you that you are Rekha? If you know for sure you are Chetna,
07:02it would not matter to you. But if you do not know, this society will carry you away.
07:06This one comes, I suppose, either from the Hitopadesh or the Panchatantra. So there was
07:16this Brahmin, a pretty foolish one, who was carrying his calf through the jungle. A little
07:30calf, he was carrying it through the jungle. So some thieves locked in upon him. They said,
07:39we must have his calf. So first of all, one among them, the first one among them,
07:46came to this Brahmin and said, so Vipravar, you good priest, what are you doing walking
07:55this dog here? And what does the Brahmin say? Well, what are you talking? Drunk or what? This
08:03is a very fine calf. And the Brahmin walks ahead and after a while the second one comes and says,
08:13is this your new passion or what? You have given up on all other animals, its dogs,
08:19that you roam around with. And the Brahmin gives him an angry stare and continues walking. But now
08:29there are doubts within. Then the third one comes, the third thief, and the Brahmin is already
08:40praying that this one does not come up and say that this is a dog. And the Brahmin is now rather
08:45sternly looking at the animal. Are you really a calf? And this one comes and says, wow, a beautiful
08:56animal you are carrying. Lovely. Where did you get this dog from? And it's a beautiful one,
09:05really. It's an evolved species. Imported or what? And the Brahmin cannot even afford to get angry at
09:13this one now. He has serious self-doubt now because three of them have told him in succession
09:21that this one is a dog. And now the fourth one, the moment the Brahmin sees a fourth person walking
09:28towards him, he is already pretending that he is not carrying the calf. He is pretending that,
09:34you know, this animal is just on its own walking by my side. No, no, no, I have nothing to do with
09:40it. So the fourth one comes and says, hey, sir, why do you allow stray dogs to walk alongside?
09:47Why don't you just kick it away? Now the Brahmin is saying, I'll see, I'll mind my own business.
09:54Come on. And the Brahmin goes a step or two ahead and actually lets the calf go and the thieves get
10:02what they want. The world is that thief. It is not without reason that Vedant talks of everything
10:12that you see, touch, hear, experience as Maya. You know what Maya is? It makes you believe in
10:21that which does not exist. It makes you forget that which is real, which really exists. It will
10:29tell you a thousand things about yourself. And you will come to believe in all those things that
10:37the world has told you about who you are. Please examine this. Do not take me at face value.
10:45Whatever you know about yourself, is it not coming from the world? Have you ever tried to investigate
10:55into your own self-image, self-concept? That's the reason why Advaita Vedanta keeps the question
11:02Koham, who am I at the center. If you do not know who you are, you will be forced to believe in
11:10whatever others tell you about yourself. And that's where from all these problems, someone
11:17comes and hurts me, offends me. Someone comes and just inflates me by praising me. Someone is
11:25able to motivate me. Someone is able to demotivate me. How do all these things happen? Because we
11:31do not know who we are. So we rely totally, we depend totally on what others tell about ourselves.
11:38We have become accustomed to crutches. We do not even realize how big a slavery that is.
11:52Who does not feel great when someone compliments him or her on his looks? And if someone comes
12:03and says, you look obnoxious in this jacket, and the jacket might be an expensive one,
12:11and you might have actually selected it with care. But someone comes and says, what kind of
12:16jacket is this? And you feel like dropping it. Especially if four thieves call you to tell you
12:24that your jacket is indeed very shabby, they'll get your jacket. It's not whether I am really
12:38ugly or not, whether I'm really stupid or not. That's not the question. I might actually be
12:45stupid. But then I should be the one who should know that I am stupid. I should not require someone
12:51else to come and tell me I'm stupid. Do you get this? The shame does not lie in being stupid. We
12:57are entitled to our stupidity. I have been stupid throughout my life. That's okay. We are entitled
13:05to be stupid. Vedant does not say that you cannot be stupid, you can be stupid. But you are not
13:11entitled to be self ignorant. You get the difference? You are entitled to be whatever
13:19you are in a prakritic way. You did not choose your looks, you did not choose your IQ, you did
13:26not choose your birth, you did not choose your parents. You even did not choose your country,
13:30your religion, your surroundings, your economic conditions, none of that you chose. So all that
13:36is okay. You're entitled to be six feet five inches, you are entitled to be five feet two
13:43inches. All that is okay, because that's what non-doership is, right? I didn't do that. Somebody
13:49is born a male, somebody is born a female, somebody is born diseased. You didn't choose
13:54that. So all that is okay. What is not okay is not knowing yourself. And when you do not know
14:02yourself, the world becomes your master. As young people, how many of you want to be ruled by the
14:07world? And how many of you want to live free lives? Now this freedom is at the core of Vedanta.
14:18What is the goal of Vedanta? Happiness, pleasure, riches, fame, social acceptance. What is the goal
14:29of Vedanta? Freedom. And such pure and absolute freedom, you call it liberation. Not just ordinary
14:39freedom. Liberation. And you cannot be liberated without self-knowledge. Now do you see why our
14:50relationships are toxic? Now do you see why others manage to hurt us, harm us, bloat us up,
15:01and also puncture us? Do you see? Why are you in such a bad mood? Somebody sent me an offensive
15:10message. Does that happen or not? Your entire day can be ruined, somebody sent you an offensive
15:16message. Why have you chosen a bad course to study? Why have you enrolled in a discipline
15:24you don't really care about? How did you get into this kind of a shady job? Why did you choose this
15:32sector to work in? How did you get hitched to this person? Do all these things happen or not?
15:42Somebody is pursuing a bad course, somebody has gotten into a bad job, somebody is now stuck in a
15:49bad relationship. Do these things happen or not? Do you see most of these things happen because
15:55we listened too much to others? And listening too much to others becomes a compulsion. You cannot
16:03avoid it. Just as asking for direction from others becomes a compulsion, more than a necessity,
16:12a compulsion, when you do not know the way. When you do not know the way, you will be forced to
16:18ask from others. I did not know which course to choose, which college to go to, which course
16:28to register in. So what did I do? What did I do? Some Bablu Bhaiya from the neighborhood came and
16:40became the expert. How did he manage to become the expert? We can't blame him. He was offering
16:50free services. We have to blame? Why did I not know it for myself? Whose life is it? So who should
16:59have known? I should have known. Why did I have to fall dependent on this fellow? I remember my
17:12JEE counselling day. So we were all there in IIT Delhi itself and very few of us had any idea what
17:23the different branches are all about and what the different IITs are all about and which one to go
17:28to. And the choices were swinging just so wildly. One did not know where to put it. I mean aerospace
17:40in IIT Kanpur at that rank. Biotechnology at IIT Delhi. ITBHU you could have electronics. IIT Guwahati
17:53you could have at computer science. Four entirely different places. IIT Kharagpur you could have
18:00at naval architecture. Now these are such disparate choices. How are you even considering
18:11all of them? You should know what you want from life, shouldn't you? But we don't know anything.
18:19So what do we do? We go to the person standing next to us. Sir, so what is your rank? What are
18:27you choosing? This fellow looks nice. This fellow? Right. So he is going for civil at IIT Bombay.
18:39Another totally new option opens up. From computer science to biotechnology to electronics to civil.
18:49Anything can happen because you don't have a center. So we just keep rolling. When you have
18:58a center it is very very difficult to influence you and insult you must see Chetna is a kind of
19:06influence. You have been influenced. If you tell me I am wearing black, why will I listen to you?
19:17I know what I am wearing. Why don't you know how you are inside? White or black or orange or whatever.
19:28So self-knowledge is not some archaic word for the scholars alone. It is the fundamental
19:45requirement of every normal ordinary person like you, like me. We all need self-knowledge. Otherwise,
19:54the streams of time and the forces of society will just carry you away and dump you somewhere
20:03and life is short before you realize your time will be gone and death knocks. Also mind you that
20:13the lady quoted insult as a problem. Nobody ever quotes praise, commendation as a problem. We do
20:27not realize that if others are able to lift your mood by praising you, you have already licensed
20:37them to sink your mood by insulting you. Do you see this? But we are all crazy after compliments,
20:47are we not? Do you ever take this as a problem? You know sir something happened in the morning
20:54when I was coming to the college. This chap comes to me and says wow great hairstyle and surely you
21:03have taken bath today. You aren't sticking. Now that's never a problem. Somebody compliments you
21:11on your eyes, your hair, your clothes, your looks, whatever. Is that ever a problem? Now that's where
21:18the problem is. That's where the problem is. If someone can enter your insides by praising you,
21:28the door has been flung open, right? He knocked here and you said yes and he said wow wonderful,
21:42beautiful and that's the password. Praise, praise is the password and you opened the door. You opened
21:50the doors of your mind because that fellow said knock knock praise. The moment the doors are
21:56open, they have been opened even for insult. And nobody can enter your life just by insulting you.
22:07Do you mind insult from strangers? No. Insult is especially caustic when it comes from those
22:20who know you, right? You're walking down the road and some strange fellow not known to you says
22:27something, yells a word at you. You don't especially mind it. You mind it when that fellow is someone
22:37who has been allowed entry already. Then he hurts because he has been given access to the insides.
22:43Now he can hurt you from the inside and access is given only when there is praise. Don't be
22:56vulnerable to praise. If you know where you stand, why should you allow someone to sketch a bigger
23:10figure of you? I know my size. Why are you portraying me as bigger than what I actually
23:19am? That's not allowed. You should not do that. I know my worth. Why are you praising me beyond my
23:30worth? And if you find somebody praising you beyond your worth, you should immediately become cautious.
23:37This fellow is not your friend. I know I am not doing something right. Why are you supporting me
23:49at this moment? You should not be supporting me. This is called self-knowledge. I know what I am
23:57doing is not right. So if you really are my well-wisher, you should not be supporting me.
24:02Instead, you should be stopping me. Instead of stopping me, you are, but we love it when
24:08somebody supports us, right? No, that's called not knowing yourself. If you really are a friend,
24:17come on, stop me. That's what friendship is all about. So if you want to be insult proof,
24:26be ignorant proof. If you are ignorance proof, you will be insult proof. People will come and
24:39say a thousand things to you. That's what the world is for. The world is there to give you a
24:48billion kinds of experiences. So the world is constantly coming to you, making you feel this
24:55way, that way. Your job is to not to get easily swayed. Let the world see what it has to. Am I
25:05not conscious? There is an object, this. This lid on the tumbler, does it have any free will,
25:24any volition? I wanted to pick it, I have picked it up. If I drop it from here, it will fall,
25:33or can it say? Why are you being so cruel? Why did you raise me? Now why are you letting me go?
25:42But this is how most of us are, right? Someone wants to raise you, he can. Someone wants to
25:52break you, he can. So Vedanta says, Jada and Chetan are different and the job of Chetan or
26:15Chetana is to not let Jada, unconsciousness become dominant on itself. If I am a slave to
26:31circumstances, then I'm just like this dead object. Am I dead? No. But please see that every time you
26:44allow circumstances to rule you, you are actually acting like a dead object. Does that sound very
26:53nice? No, that does not. I should be so strong from within that circumstances should not be
27:02able to affect me beyond a point. Outside everything is changeable. Inside there should
27:15be an unchanging core. This is skin, obviously sun, heat, cold, water, wind will affect it.
27:30But all those things should be able to affect only my external shells. My core, my interiority
27:41should remain untouched by whatsoever is happening in the world. And that thing that must always
27:50remain untouched. What do you call it? What do you call it? That's called Atma, the self, the
28:02truth. The truth. If you are alive, then this is the definition of being alive. Please note with
28:14care. You are alive only if you have something within that circumstances cannot even touch. Then
28:26you say I am truly alive. Others just appear to be alive. They are not really alive. They are like,
28:36have you seen leaves falling from trees? Do they own their destiny? No, they are ruled by the
28:50winds. Most of us unfortunately are like fallen leaves. We have no interior locus of control.
29:00There is no Atma. All we have is strings that others are pulling all the time. Puppets. We are
29:16young, intelligent, vigorous people. We will not live like puppets or would we? That's what,
29:27that's what. Yes.