Sunderland comedian Katie Fowler performs at Backyard Comedy Club. Courtesy of Ultra Comedy on Youtube
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00:00They thought that for diversity reasons, they should include at least one person who doesn't look like they're having a midlife crisis.
00:06So, let's face it, a lot of people in stand-up comedy are, but I thought I would get ahead of the curve.
00:11I always have been.
00:12I used to go to Glastonbury when I was three, and I'm actually wearing a t-shirt that I used to wear at Glastonbury that says,
00:17I met Brittany in rehab. Thanks, Dad.
00:20They also made hits such as Jesus Saves, Satan Spends, and Make Poverty History Cheaper Drugs Now.
00:27So, that has stopped once I learned how to read.
00:30Somebody actually asked us the other day, have you actually been to rehab?
00:33Not yet, but I have actually had an intervention.
00:37Has anyone had an intervention before in here?
00:39I knew some of you would have.
00:41Okay, I'll buy you a pint if you have had an intervention for the same reason as me, right?
00:45I bet that you haven't, because basically, I've had this problem where I've got up in the middle of the night every night for about two years and ate.
00:51But I don't just eat, I have what I like to call a Scranathon.
00:54So, basically, I eat with the voracity of a cavewoman trying to hunt for food.
00:59I've hidden out-of-date quality street boxes underneath my bed and then woke up at four o'clock in the morning to flip the mattress to eat them.
01:06When I moved into a new flat, I pledged that I would stop doing it, because obviously, I didn't want to come across as absolutely mental.
01:12And I was going quite well, it was going really good, and then I got drunk one night, and Drunk Katie and Hungry Katie teamed up,
01:19and I had the Scranathon to end all Scranathons.
01:22I shit you not, if one of my flatmates came in and tried to stop us, I think I would have ate them.
01:27So, I woke up the next day, and I went into the kitchen, and lo and behold, we were having a flat intervention about my eating.
01:34I decided I would do the Aldi Walk of Shame, and we had to make a list of all of the foods I'd ate.
01:39And it wasn't normal foods, it was things like plain white bread with pasta sauce on.
01:44I think I was trying to make a pizza, but I'm not very sure.
01:48And just as I thought I was in the clear, my other flatmate came in and said,
01:51was it you who had the Nutella the other day?
01:54And I was quite self-assured, I was like, no, it wasn't me who had the Nutella the other day, actually, this is the first Scranathon in a while.
01:59And he went, just because I came in, and the Nutella was on the side.
02:03I walked past your bedroom, and you were asleep with the door open, and there was Nutella all over your hands?
02:08Like a Scooby-Doo villain.
02:10So, maybe I don't know myself that well, but if I was a Scooby-Doo villain, I wouldn't need a mask,
02:16because the real mask is being a blonde woman.
02:18Especially if it's with men that have absolutely no sense of stranger danger if you're a blonde woman.
02:24And this really came to a head when I used to live in Guildford.
02:27Has anyone ever been to Guildford before?
02:29Yeah, a few people in there, right.
02:31It's basically like if there was a garden centre with drum and bass clubs.
02:34So I invited someone home.
02:36But this isn't Geordie Shore, I didn't want to shag them, I just wanted a friend to talk at as I walked home.
02:41So, as we were leaving, I told them we didn't have to get a taxi, because I live round the corner.
02:46Unfortunately for him, I didn't specify how many corners.
02:49So, about 57 corners later, he knew my entire life story, and we just got home.
02:55And I offered him a drink, and he said, I'll have a glass of water, and I said, you'll have a rum and coke.
02:59And he decided we should watch a film, so I thought, yeah, a film, that's normal.
03:02And I thought we should watch Pulp Fiction. Has anyone seen Pulp Fiction before?
03:05Basically, this guy decides to tell me that he's never seen Pulp Fiction before.
03:09And at this point, there's definitely no semblance of shagging in the room.
03:12I turn into the head of the Quentin Tarantino fan club, and this boy is going to watch Pulp Fiction.
03:18We're sitting there, and every time he tries to look at us, I'm just like, you're not watching the film.
03:25I start making him recount details of things that have happened, to make sure he hasn't missed anything in the plot.
03:30And this really comes to a head when Mia Wallace comes on, and she starts chopping up the coke.
03:34And I get this sudden vision in my head that I don't know where my bank card is.
03:37And I think I've left my bank card in the club.
03:40So basically, not only is he now watching Pulp Fiction very intently,
03:44he's having to stand up while I flip the mattress looking for the bank card.
03:48So it could have been literally anywhere.
03:50So I'm looking for this bank card, and he's like, oh, my friend's actually coming to pick us up.
03:56And I'm like, why?
03:58I just can't fathom. Obviously, we all know why.
04:01It was a get out kind of situation from that point.
04:04But he goes home, and little did I know, the next day, it turns out I went for a shower,
04:10and it was in the back of a body wash set that I'd never opened from Christmas.
04:14And I must have slid it there when I got the sense of stranger danger,
04:17when someone comes into your house and thought he was going to steal the card.
04:20So I hid it in this body wash set.
04:23So I lost a night, but I did gain a memory.
04:26But safe to say, that was the first and last time I invited anyone home.
04:31But I don't think you need to invite anyone home.
04:33My motto in life is that all a girl needs is three things,
04:36and that is a Stella, a baked potato, and a ****.
04:40So there you go.
04:46This is a bit cocky, and I might turn my mic off in a second,
04:48but it is my birthday, and I think everyone should sing happy birthday.
04:51So does everyone fancy that?
04:53Okay, three, two, one.
04:55Thank you, mister.
04:57Happy birthday to me.
05:01Happy birthday, dear me.
05:06Happy birthday to me.
05:09Thank you, and good night.