Are you in a toxic relationship? Mental health therapist Arouba Kabir tells you 5 signs to watch out for.
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00:00hey hi you said that you would come at six o'clock it's already seven where are
00:05you I know I know that you're with that office girl of yours I'm home and nobody
00:15has given me a glass of water nobody even asked hey hi I just saw the bank
00:21statement I'm saying that you're spending here here here if you are in a
00:36passive-aggressive communication I want you to give me a glass of water but I
00:41would never ask you directly to give me a glass of water I would be like it
00:45would have been nice if I got a glass of water on surface it's quite smooth it's
00:51soft because it's passive but deep within there's a lot of resentment anger
00:57built-in a lot of discomfort and in that process you're not only hindering
01:03hampering your own growth but you're also letting your spouse not grow if you
01:09are asking me something and I feel it is wrong I would tell you it's okay with me
01:14that's the passiveness on the surface but what if other people get angry so
01:20that is the aggressiveness that you don't want the person to do it but you
01:23don't have the skills to communicate in an effective way the person is loud
01:33dominating demanding but again it comes from your childhood you might have seen
01:39one of your parents being aggressive and getting the demands or needs met so
01:44that is what you learn that if I am loud I can overpower the person so you are
01:51trying to be here dominating demanding aggressive about it it can be different
01:56kind of aggression just verbal physical any form of aggression could be there
02:00but basically it's more about that you might have n number of insecurities
02:06within that if I am NOT loud enough I am might not be heard how long can you
02:13go on being angry all the time being demanding all the time authority they do
02:17all the time but it also damages the other person in the relationship their
02:21self-worth comes down
02:27if you say no what if the person does not talk to me what if I lose on an
02:32opportunity or anything we used to teach them how you can still be assertive and
02:38kindly politely say no you lack the eye contact your body posture is very poor
02:43you don't have the kind of confidence you should be you know body language is
02:48always very uncomfortable so it is not only actually damaging your mental space
02:54it is all also you know damaging your physical space which we never really pay
03:00attention to a lot of people have this belief that if you're being direct if
03:04you're being assertive you might displease a lot of people you might come
03:08as a rude person because you're saying no but no actually a direct communicator
03:14and assertive communicator is someone who just expresses his or her feelings
03:20needs wants desires but at the same time considers the other person's feelings
03:26also they use a lot of statements like I I feel I understand I think so that
03:33there is no blame game it's not that you know I feel I feel trapped in this room
03:40because of you it's like hey I feel I'm trapped because I'm not liking the
03:45environment here how about we go out one you are expressing what you are feeling
03:51second you are giving an option to the other person also
03:58it has to be repetition of the psychological abuse because a big
04:03psychological abuse you are making the person feel guilty for example I'm with
04:09my partner and I know my partner has an affair and I get to know about it I have
04:13all the evidences and I go to confront my partner I'm like hey listen I know
04:16you haven't seen it seen this person and my partner goes I know but it is all
04:21because of you because you don't give me that space you don't give me that
04:24confidence you don't give me this and what happens is like in the end I am the
04:30one apologizing I am so sorry I did not give you that space I'm so sorry I am
04:34the worst partner in this relationship I will try to do my best you tell me how
04:38do I change so the partner gaslighted me made me feel guilty when the mistake was
04:45it can make the person you know really lose his or her mind because you are
04:53continuously repeating the same abuse and the person starts doubting what is
04:59real and what is unreal the person can start forget about insanity but the
05:05person can never ever trust him or herself their own judgments they're
05:10always insecure in a relationship
05:16maybe if you don't call it 630 I get worried you know my anxiety kicks in I
05:22get worried about you I really want you to call me at 630 you have trust issues
05:28with the person what if the person is someone else what if the person is doing
05:32something other than me like you know they don't want like so it's a lot of
05:36insecurity within you're controlling their freedom asking what time did your
05:41office finish or going through their emails or knowing everything about them
05:46who their friends are but I really want to tell people what is a healthy
05:50relationship it is all about two people together supporting each other but at
05:56the same time as I said growing as two individuals it is something to worry
06:00about and it is not about the other person is about you you need to worry
06:04about yourself in every relationship you can start working on it when both the
06:09partners are willing if one of the partner is doing the work and the other
06:13partner is still the same it's like okay you have worked on yourself you are
06:18changing for good you are becoming a better person but that person is still
06:22giving you that push every time and there would be a time when you will
06:26reach on the boundary and you'll be like mmm it up a healthy relationship between
06:31two people is like where you actually grow as an individual when you are not
06:38working on actions it's a safe space for you you are able to communicate your
06:44needs and desires you have your space you have your independence you have your
06:49say in a relationship