How to keep the sparks flying in a long-term relationship… Saif Ali Khan shared these secrets with Kareena Kapoor Khan in the 104.8 Ishq FM show, What Women Want.
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00:00Saif, what is one thing that people should always do in a marriage?
00:08Like, you know, to keep the spark alive.
00:10Role play.
00:17So many marriages have gender defined roles, Saifu.
00:20How important is it to define roles in a marriage?
00:23I mean, I guess it ends up happening, you know.
00:25Ideally, I know lots of people are very happy living by themselves.
00:28But people who have chosen to share life with a partner, you know, you tend to find roles.
00:35People say you marry somebody who you can't be, you know.
00:38So, the next closest thing to having that in your life is to marry it.
00:42So, I think roles are kind of defined somehow.
00:45You find that, at least in our case, I mean, you find that there are certain things that, you know,
00:50you're so much better organized at doing.
00:52And there are certain things that, you know, maybe I could add some value to.
00:57So, it kind of, it works out like that.
01:00Yeah, of course, where you're completely disorganized and no form of time management whatsoever.
01:05But that's fine. We'll get on to the next question.
01:07Otherwise, we'll be just talking about what we can do.
01:10So, jab baat responsibility sharing ki aati hai, toh I think the audience would like to know,
01:14kya hamare marriage mein koi roles defined hai?
01:17So, why don't you start and then I can pitch in.
01:19I guess so. I mean, I'm thinking of holidays for a start, you know.
01:23Ki, I mean, the kind of planning and the ticketing and the execution.
01:29So, I'm in charge of travel.
01:30Travel and administration.
01:33So, I'm doing all the dirty work. What are you doing?
01:36You know, going on holiday.
01:39Exactly. So, then that's it. Okay.
01:42I don't think there are any roles defined. I think, if I may say.
01:47Because I think sometimes when I'm working, you're at home with Taimur.
01:51And when, like, you're working, when you did Laal Kaptaan, if I may say,
01:55I think that was a patch where you were away for a long time.
01:58So, you can, you know, talk about that.
01:59Yeah, absolutely. Sharing, I mean, sharing responsibilities, but also,
02:03I think, I remember Rani Mukherjee told me once, when we just started dating, you and I,
02:09because I don't think I'd ever been out with a working actress before, you know, in that sense.
02:15So, she said, just behave like you're, you know, you're in a relationship with a man.
02:20So, I know what she meant. She meant that don't get into the gender of it.
02:25Treat it with, like, an equal, like, you've got two heroes in the house,
02:29two people working and two people, and then you'll have no problems.
02:33And I think she's absolutely right. So, generally, you're quite, you're a bit more organized.
02:37Your time management's amazing.
02:39Time management.
02:40So, I really respect that. So, I always leave it to you.
02:42Okay, so, great. So, now everyone knows that it's all me.
02:45Yeah.
02:46And all my management skills, right?
02:48Yes, yes.
02:49Saifu, obviously, all our fans, as you know, always say that we're couple goals,
02:53and we're like the perfect couple, and everyone is like, oh God, we want to be like Saif and Bebo.
02:58So, what do you have to say to, you know, people who kind of idolize us?
03:03Well, I think idolizing is a dangerous thing, generally, you know.
03:06I think people should be respected for what they are known for.
03:10I mean, you can respect someone for being a nice actor.
03:13You can respect the idea of a relationship, perhaps, or appreciate some things.
03:16But idolize is a really strong word, because I don't think people really know,
03:20I mean, we're just like normal people, what goes into a relationship.
03:24If you're going to idolize someone more than movie stars, sometimes,
03:28you should probably idolize the non-famous person next door, you know,
03:32who's managed to send his kids to school happily.
03:34Yeah, somebody like who's, yeah, simple.
03:36Balanced middle class life is also worthy of adulation in that sense.
03:41Not just celebrities.
03:42But unfortunately, we only know really celebrities when we want to give examples.
03:46And generally, I think the life of a celebrity in a relationship can be quite tough.
03:50Like, when we started going out also, I mean, it can be quite insecure.
03:53You don't know, I mean, you're working with attractive people,
03:57and you're, you know, traveling the world and going all over the place.
04:00So, to maintain a healthy relationship in those circumstances is sometimes a little hard.
04:05And anyone who's managed to do it with grace is worthy of respect.
04:09So, there's lots of celebrity couples, I think, that have done it really well.
04:13So, which couple, according to you, is like acing marriage right now?
04:16Well, again, acing marriage, I mean, who knows?
04:18I mean, you look like you're acing marriage and you might not be.
04:21That's also an art.
04:23Yeah, but I like Virat and Anushka. I think they look really nicely balanced together.
04:30So, you know, they seem happy and maybe it's because, you know, my parents had a similar balance.
04:38That I kind of appreciate that. Like a movie star and a cricketer.
04:42Different worlds.
04:44But why aren't you saying that we're also acing marriage?
04:46Not just Virat and Anushka.
04:49It's not good to praise yourself.
04:51No, but it's okay. We're at least setting some kind of goals, I think, in some way.
04:58But it shouldn't be seen. Perhaps, that's why.
05:00What, according to you, should be that one mistake that should never be done in a marriage?
05:05Well, I mean, you know, broadly speaking, disrespect.
05:08But, you know, very specifically, you know, don't be unfaithful.
05:12That's pretty much a relationship destroyer.
05:14Don't attack the maid.
05:16That'd be rule number one, I'd say.
05:19It's been known to happen, apparently.
05:22Oh, God!
05:23Saif, what's that one thing that people should always do in a marriage?
05:28Like, you know, to keep the spark alive.
05:30Role play.
05:34Okay, I'm joking.
05:35Actually, our show is, we've spoken about every possible topic on this show.
05:39So, I guess it's fine.
05:40If you have slightly different things to do also, you know,
05:42if there's a little bit of freshness when you meet at the end of a day
05:45or after a couple of days, if you have some new ideas to swap.
05:49So, I think repetition and a mundane kind of existence
05:52is what is a bit worrying for everybody.
05:55Because, you know, any long-term relationship can get a bit repetitive.
05:58So, you're saying it's so…
05:59I'm saying it's really…
06:00It's space.
06:01So, it's not space as much as different interests.
06:03Also, I think you should not be too pressured about keeping the spark alive.
06:08It's a really scary thing.
06:09Yeah.
06:10You have to keep the spark alive.
06:11There is, like, too much pressure.
06:12Like Woody Allen said, you know, he said,
06:14I can't keep up the same level of charm for ten years.
06:16I'll have a heart attack.
06:18So, sometimes, you know, it's okay.
06:20You've got to find ways to keep your own spark alive.
06:22But, like, you always say that you keep saying that we should go out for dinner
06:25and then, like, come home.
06:26No, of course, there's basic things.
06:27And I'm, like, really tired.
06:28And I'm, like, no, okay.
06:29So, a little bit of an effort.
06:30Laziness is a villain generally in life, you know.
06:34If you can…
06:35And people say love also is a verb.
06:37It's something that, you know, has to be shown and practiced.
06:40Like, if you don't feel like it,
06:41and you go and pick someone up from the airport once in a while,
06:44you know, it just makes things…
06:46A little nicer.
06:47So, then, you should do that as well.
06:48Yeah, I know.
06:50So, clearly, you're not keeping a spark alive.
06:52Don't get me on this show.
06:53You're not coming to pick someone up from the airport.
06:55I'll be exposed.
06:56It's been eleven years.
06:57You haven't bothered doing it.
06:58I picked you up once because your mother called and said
07:00that there's trouble in London or something.
07:02But that was, like, I think, that was also ten years ago.
07:05It wasn't that long ago.
07:06It was about three years ago.
07:07No, I don't think so.
07:08People have compared marriage to, like, a base camp, you know.
07:13And if you want to climb mountains,
07:14you need a good base camp before you can climb a mountain.
07:17But if you spend all your time climbing mountains,
07:19there'll be no base camp left.
07:20But that's an amazing thing.
07:22If you can balance those things, I mean, that's the way to do it.
07:25And I think you do that.
07:26I mean, I think we both do that.
07:27Yeah.
07:28And it's important.
07:29Everyone learns from their parents' marriage, Saif.
07:30What have you learned from Amma and Abba's marriage?
07:33Well, the fact that you can be really different in your interests
07:37and career choices and passions,
07:41and at the same time have a really healthy relationship about
07:45and be together and be, you know, committed to each other
07:49and absorb each other's kind of lives.
07:53I don't know how much he absorbed about films.
07:55But he was very happy to support her.
07:59And we never really talked too much about cricket at the dining table.
08:03We didn't talk about films too much.
08:04Talked about the real world and normal friends would come over
08:10and they would talk about things that were happening
08:13and just normal kind of conversations.
08:15So I think the main thing I learned is to respect your partner's life
08:21without trying to take it over.
08:23And also, you know, how they found interests that they shared.
08:28Look, it's about respecting each other.
08:30And there are no such things as gender roles.
08:32Like you did this film, Ki and Ka. It's fine.
08:34I mean, as long as the house is running and it's running decently,
08:38I mean, well, and kids are being nourished in a loving environment,
08:41it doesn't matter who does what or how it's done.