In this episode, I explore the dangers of social isolation and the ease of fading from meaningful connections as we age. Reflecting on a festival with my daughter, I emphasize the importance of providing value in relationships and the stabilizing role of marriage amidst transitory friendships. I discuss the need for honest feedback to foster personal growth and urge listeners to actively engage with their communities. Ultimately, I advocate for nurturing our relationships as essential lifelines that keep us anchored in joy and purpose.
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Join the PREMIUM philosophy community on the web for free!
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You also receive private livestreams, HUNDREDS of exclusive premium shows, early release podcasts, the 22 Part History of Philosophers series and much more!
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LearningTranscript
00:00Well, good morning everybody, Siphem Honu from Freedom, Maine.
00:03It is a little before my Sunday morning show and I had a haunting thought yesterday, a
00:11series of thoughts that I wanted to share with you to frighten you if this is your path.
00:18It's really important.
00:20So yesterday I went to a dress-up festival with Izzy for the day, which was a blast.
00:28And at one point we got an apple strudel at this festival and Izzy went off to go and
00:39get a knife to cut it in two because, you know, we're not really, we don't really do
00:42much sugar.
00:43So it was a nice strudel, but we thought we'd cut it in two and half, half each.
00:47So when she was off getting the, it was supposed to be a knife, she came back with two forks
00:54and we just muscled it.
00:55And when she was off and I was sitting alone in this festival, you know, I looked around
01:03as I do.
01:05And I have fairly recently, over the last year or two, sort of aged out of being noticed
01:12that much.
01:13You know, when I was younger, I would get noticed a little bit more for whatever reason,
01:17you know, just there's a sort of social consideration or whatever it is, right?
01:21And so I'm noticed less, which is interesting because I get to observe people without much
01:26reciprocity, which is more anthropological and interesting.
01:29And of course I get more than enough love, care and attention from friends and family.
01:34So I don't need any particular attention from strangers.
01:37But I was looking around and I saw a guy, you know, probably in his fifties, sitting
01:45alone.
01:46And he had that, you know, Eleanor Rigby air of isolation around him.
01:52And I was sitting there and of course nobody was looking at me and I thought I had this
01:56sort of flash, you know, this alternate life path, the road not taken, thank God.
02:04And the alternate life path is, so I'm going to be 59 this year.
02:10The alternate life path was, if I had come to this festival alone, nobody would care.
02:18Nobody would chat with me unless they wanted to sell me something, right?
02:20There wasn't booths around at all.
02:22So nobody would chat with me.
02:24Nobody would be interested in me.
02:26People would just glance past me.
02:28And I got a real sense, deep, you know, visceral sense of just how easy it is to disappear,
02:40to disappear.
02:41It is scary easy to slip off the radar, to despawn, to go to the back rooms, to go to
02:49the nether, to disappear from society.
02:53I mean, at 58, like I'm too old to be noticed in the sort of, you know, romantic way and,
03:05you know, in this kind of social situation, if I was old and wealthy and powerful, then
03:09maybe I'd be able to offer people jobs or opportunities and maybe I'd get attention
03:12that way.
03:13But I just got a real sense like, oh, you can vanish from the world.
03:19You can vanish from society if you don't make plans to avoid that.
03:25There's an inevitable disintegration of your social presence if you live a life of solitude.
03:33And this is kind of a new thing in the world because, of course, in the past, people would
03:37stay in the same locations, right, in a village.
03:41And even if you didn't get married or have kids or whatever, for whatever reason, you
03:45would still be, you would still have places to go on Michaelmas, on Christmas, maybe Thanksgiving,
03:52New Year's Eve.
03:53And there would be, you know, nieces and nephews, birthday parties, there would be so-and-so's
03:59anniversary, there would be, you know, just, you'd have this fairly continual, you'd have
04:03a church and you'd have a fairly continual flow of social engagements coming out of your
04:09family.
04:10Even if you didn't have a family, you'd be part of a family.
04:14And you would work with people you had probably grown up with in the fields or wherever, right?
04:20So there was sort of a protection or a hedge against this kind of disappearing.
04:28And I saw this guy sitting, eating alone, dressed up, and I saw just how easy and possible
04:40it is to have no one who cares for you and no one who wants to care for you because you
04:49don't provide any profit or value to people.
04:53Now, I know the term profit is complicated when it comes to relationships, but I may
05:00certainly tell you this from my standpoint, I am perhaps obsessed, that's the wrong word,
05:08but it's certainly not the opposite, I am fairly obsessed with ensuring that I provide
05:14value to people.
05:17On shows, in live streams, in this conversation, I am, and in my personal relationships, I'm
05:24fairly obsessed with providing a value to people.
05:28Have people over, make sure they have a good time, games, you know, I'm setting up, I pick
05:33a ball, get togethers with friends, I'm fairly obsessed with providing value.
05:39I want to make sure my wife, you know, I'll ask her almost every day, did you feel loved
05:43today?
05:44Did you feel treasured and respected?
05:46And it's just, I'm fairly obsessed with providing value to people.
05:52And I mean, you could say, well, that just comes from a state of insecurity, they should
05:56love you for who you are.
05:57Nope.
05:58No, no, no, no.
06:00You're loved for who you are when you're a baby and you're a toddler and a little kid.
06:06As you age, and certainly when you become an adult, nobody loves you for who you are.
06:11They love you for the value you provide.
06:13I mean, if there's a restaurant that gives you terrible food and bad service and expensive
06:20prices, do you just go to the restaurant because you love the restaurant for what it is?
06:24No, what it is, is what it provides.
06:27What it is, is the value it gives to you.
06:30And in relationships, I'm fairly obsessed with providing value.
06:34I mean, and as I've mentioned, sort of post deplatforming in the last four and a half
06:40years, the summer is going to be half a decade, right?
06:42So I am still obsessed with providing value.
06:46I'm just obsessed with providing value for the future, to the future, right?
06:51It is the future, since the present as a whole doesn't want the value that I have to offer,
06:58I will provide that value to the future.
07:02And it was interesting because I did a live stream call-in yesterday, and I think it was
07:10called, Why Do People Bully Me?
07:13And in that live stream, I did talk about how, to a fault, I try to help people to provide
07:20value.
07:22And for me, the provision of value is a great self-protection, because I work so hard to
07:28provide value to people, I have no susceptibility to being exploited.
07:35Because if people don't provide value to me, but I'm providing value to them, it's like
07:39generosity, right?
07:41If you're generous with like, you know, if I have friends, meet new people, then, you
07:44know, I can't, you know, we're too old to haggle on who ordered the Diet Coke and who
07:48had dessert and, right, like, we don't haggle on that.
07:51So I'll just, I'll pay, and for the dinner, and then see if they offer next time.
07:57And if they don't offer next time, then we don't have the same values as far as generosity
08:02goes.
08:03So it's not of particular interest to me to pursue.
08:08So generosity and the provision of value is a great protection, because then you really
08:12notice when people are selfish and don't provide value.
08:15And to be honest, I can't remember the last time where people I've met and liked have
08:19not done the reciprocal thing, because it's the kind of thing that happens as you...
08:24I honestly can't remember the last time this would have happened.
08:28So I was thinking about how do people despawn?
08:33How do they vanish?
08:35How do they slide off this conveyor belt into the infinite void of self-regard that
08:39characterizes people who spend way too much time alone?
08:42Well, of course, there's moving around, there's career, family, restlessness, people are moving
08:48all over the place.
08:50And so this is one of the beautiful things about marriage is you really cast your lots
08:56with each other, and wherever you go, you go together.
09:02And that's not the case with friends.
09:05Friends have higher priorities than spending time together.
09:09The higher priorities are moving for work, and pursuing career stuff, maybe going for
09:14education if it's needed, and getting married and having kids, right?
09:19But when you're married, there's no higher priority than each other.
09:24And that's not the case with friends.
09:25Friends come and go.
09:27And I've had some friends I've had for decades.
09:30No, actually, just one.
09:32Just one.
09:33Just one I've had since I was in my early 20s.
09:37Man, that's a long-ass time, man.
09:41That's a long-ass time.
09:44That's almost 40 years.
09:46So when you're young, you have a built-in social life, right?
09:53You socialize with friends at school, you have siblings usually, friends in the neighborhood,
09:59and you get all of that.
10:00And you have your primary school friends, junior high friends, high school friends,
10:05and you'll often switch and change friend groups.
10:07I mean, certainly that was the case for me.
10:11I could be thought of as a tiny bit of a social climber, or you could say that I'm just trying
10:15to find a level that matches me, but I was constantly seeking to upgrade the quality
10:21of friendships.
10:23Because when you get a sense that friends aren't progressing, like, you know, you all
10:27start off fairly immature, you get a sense that friends aren't progressing, then you're
10:30going to have more in common with the friends who are progressing, if that makes sense.
10:34So, and of course, if you start to have some success in the world, you want to have people
10:40around who are reasonably successful, and that doesn't necessarily mean materially successful,
10:45but just successful in terms of manifesting ambitions.
10:48It could be writing novels and getting them published, even if you don't make much money
10:52from that, at least you're doing that, pursuing that, and achieving something.
10:57But people fall away, and if you stay single, people fall away primarily because they get
11:03married and have kids, and of course, when you get married and have kids, you have less
11:08and less in common with your single friends.
11:11Your primary relationship is with your wife or your husband, and then when you have kids,
11:16you have this incredible joy and massive time consumption series of angels called children,
11:24so you have less and less in common.
11:27It's almost unfair to, it is kind of unfair, to ask your friends to have as much fascination
11:32and devotion and affection for your children as you do, but nonetheless, it is something
11:38that you kind of deep down expect.
11:40Maybe not the same level, but there really does have to be, wow, that's the coolest,
11:46you want your friends to get to know your kids and to enjoy their company and so on,
11:50right?
11:51So you just have less and less in common, and when you do take on the fairly awesome
11:56and primordial responsibilities of marriage and children, and you are responsible for
12:01keeping a series of tiny, death-maggot human beings alive, well, to be frank, which is
12:08I guess kind of unnecessary, I'm always pretty frank, can I be frank with you?
12:13You can be anyone you want with me.
12:15Well, when you couple into marriage and parenthood, fatherhood, and you are responsible for providing
12:25and protecting and so on, then the concerns of your single friends just start to become
12:32less important to you.
12:34You know, if you've been up all night with a sick child, hoping for the best, but fearing
12:39the worst, and then your friend says, your single friend says, yeah, I went out with
12:44this girl, and you know, it seemed to be going well, but she kind of ghosted me, and
12:48like all the stuff that would be interesting and maybe dramatic in your early mid-twenties,
12:52when you are a parent, it just becomes like, yeah, okay, yeah, that's tough.
12:58You know, I've just been trying to keep a sick kid this side of the deep earth, but
13:04you tell me about your frustrations with your boss being snippy with you at a meeting, like
13:10the concerns, the cares, the responsibilities, they just widen, and it's not like you don't
13:15have respect for stuff, it's just a different level.
13:19It's just a different level.
13:21So when you're single, your friends move, your friends get married, they move to the
13:27suburbs, and you know, a lot of single people are in the city and don't necessarily have
13:31cars or stuff to get to the suburbs, and so things just diminish, and your lives widen,
13:36and then what?
13:38And then what?
13:39You can try and meet new people dating.
13:42Maybe that works out, maybe it doesn't, usually it doesn't, but you can vanish.
13:47I'm telling you, these days in particular, you can vanish.
13:52And so I was thinking, you know, like in this flash of thought and deep sorrow, yesterday,
14:00looking at this guy and imagining myself in his shoes, you know, it's another path, road
14:04less taken, right?
14:05Imagining myself in his shoes.
14:07Well, if I was there at this festival alone, I could chat with some vendors, and they'd
14:12be happy to chat with me, but of course, they would want me to buy something, and they would
14:16have to move on to other customers.
14:18I could, if there's some shows, maybe I could participate in those shows a little bit.
14:24What else?
14:25I could chat with a few people here and there, but I couldn't, I couldn't spend the day with
14:32anyone, right?
14:33I mean, you know, you've got a couple of friends, you're going to a festival, do you want some
14:38older guy to join you for the day?
14:43No.
14:44I'm here with my friends, and the time and investment that you need to spend getting
14:49to know someone is subtracted from the time you're spending with your friends, right?
14:55So there's a net negative in spending time to get to know someone.
14:59So let's say that some guy wants to join you on your day at the beach, right?
15:04Like you're playing some volleyball, you're in your 20s or 30s, and then some guy in his
15:0850s joins you for volleyball.
15:09I mean, that's probably fine, right?
15:11But then he wants to hang out with you all day.
15:13Well, it's a drag, it's a negative, because, oh, what do you do, and oh, where do you live,
15:18and oh, what are you doing here, and when did you, like, it's just, you're just throwing
15:23groceries down a well, because you're investing time in a relationship that's not going to
15:26go anywhere, and subtracting time from the relationships you already have with your friends
15:31at the beach.
15:32Now, of course, if you're a young guy, and you're there with your friends, and then some
15:38young woman who's reasonably attractive wants to come and play volleyball, then maybe you'll
15:42chat with her for the day, because there's an opportunity to invest in a relationship
15:46that can pay off with, you know, dating and marriage, and maybe all that kind of good
15:49stuff, right?
15:51But what is the future, if you're in your 20s or 30s, and you're a male, what is the
15:55future with a guy in his 50s who wants to hang out with you for the day?
16:01There's no future.
16:03And so there's this resistance, you can't attach to anyone later in life, you just can't.
16:10And I remember many years ago, I went on a vacation on my own to the Dominican Republic
16:16for two weeks.
16:17It's lovely, it's just lovely.
16:20I read, I played endless beach volleyball, this is when I was a big, big and young, Carl
16:24Gustav Jung and Friedrich Nietzsche and so on.
16:27But I did end up hanging out with some people I played volleyball with.
16:31But you know, I'm pretty easy to hang out with, I'm pretty funny.
16:34So we had a good time.
16:37But yeah, never really saw them again, and well, never did see them again.
16:42But you get older, man, what's the point of investing in you?
16:49Trying to build social relationships in your 50s after a life of solitude is like trying
16:54to save for your retirement five years before your retirement.
16:58When you don't have much money, it's really not a good investment.
17:02And then what happens, of course, like we have these amazing imaginations.
17:06I mean, you've seen this, I mean, I have a fairly singular imagination in terms of analogies
17:11and storytelling and so on.
17:13But even if you say, well, you know, Steph's a little bit unique in this way, okay, but
17:17when you have listened to me, and I can only think of one or two exceptions in like 20
17:23years almost.
17:24When you listen to me do role playing with people, and I say, okay, well, you play your
17:28mother-in-law, I'll be you, or whatever it is, right?
17:31And sometimes it can be twice removed.
17:32You play your father-in-law, I'll play your wife, blah, blah, blah.
17:35They just do it.
17:37They step into it, they commit, sometimes their accent even changes.
17:40So you can say, oh, but Steph's got a fairly unique imagination.
17:44Okay, maybe, but the degree of imagination that the average person has is truly spectacular.
17:51It's incredible.
17:54So why do we have such incredibly vivid imaginations?
17:57We have these amazing dreams at night, and we daydream, and we abstract, and we argue
18:03with ourselves, and we have these, you know, we think about things, we fantasize about
18:09things, and so on.
18:10Why do we have these crazy imaginations?
18:13Because we daydream, and we outsource our reality processing to those around us, right?
18:20So we may daydream about being a famous singer, and we may sing in the shower and think we
18:24sound great, but at some point, you know, other people will hear us sing, and if we
18:28share our daydream to become a famous singer, they might say, you know, it's nice, but I
18:34don't think it's like professional caliber, or, you know, we daydream of becoming a famous
18:40writer, and we write a bunch of stuff, and then we share it with friends, and they're
18:46like, it's good, and that doesn't mean our friends are right, they could have their own
18:50motives and so on, but we have eyes in the front of our head, and we rely on our spouses
18:56to check the moles on our back, because we can't see them very well.
19:00I mean, we have all pried mirrors, right?
19:02So because we have the reality checks of those around us, we can afford to have these
19:11incredibly florid and sometimes half-psychotic imaginations, right?
19:15Like, you can daydream about, I've done this, you know, this has happened to me, right?
19:20You daydream about, you know, falling into a tiger pit, right?
19:25And your heart rate goes up, and your fight or flight rate gets released, like, our bodies
19:28don't always know the steep difference between imagination and reality.
19:34Which is good, right?
19:35Creativity and progress and tools, they all come from imagination.
19:41So we have this amazing ability to imagine things, to fantasize, to daydream, and that
19:46is kept in check, and evolves out of the reality processing we share with others.
19:53So if I think, you know, I've taken a bunch of judo classes, and I think I'm a judo expert,
19:58and I can daydream about being Bruce Lee, but then if I enter a competition and lose
20:04really early on, that's a reality check, right?
20:08If I think I'm really, really great at business, and yet I don't progress in my career, that
20:16is a reality check that comes from, in this case, an economic, but nonetheless a social
20:22situation.
20:23If I think I'm really good at golf, right?
20:25And I go and play golf, and I lose, and then that's a reality check, right?
20:29So interacting with others blunts the vanity, right?
20:34Interacting because we daydream, and, you know, daydreaming about how great we can be,
20:38and all this kind of stuff.
20:40Daydreaming about how great we can be, and all the things we can achieve is great, because
20:44the root of ambition is daydreaming and fantasy.
20:48But we need to have the social checks of reality to compare what we believe our potential to
20:55be with our actual potential.
20:57And of course, one of the things that blunts potential is this sort of secret life of Walter
21:01Middy stuff, which is a famous story about a guy who's hand-pecked by his wife daydreaming
21:06about being a hero everywhere.
21:09It is easy to take refuge in fantasy instead of reality, right?
21:15So you daydream that you are a real success, and your body will sometimes give you the
21:24endorphins or the happiness as if you had actually succeeded, right?
21:27Like people who pick up inconsequential digital trinkets in video games feel like they're
21:32really achieving something, right, in the same way that, I don't know, masturbation
21:35makes you feel like you're impregnating a woman and having a baby, right?
21:40So we can easily take refuge in fantasy rather than actual success.
21:46And then the problem with that, of course, is that which is supposed to drive our ambitions
21:51ends up castrating and thwarting them, right?
21:54That's not good.
21:55So we need the reality check of people just for basic reality.
22:00Basic reality is the Russell Crowe thing in A Beautiful Mind.
22:04He thinks he sees, talking to someone, he says to someone else, do you see that person,
22:07right?
22:08We sort of check this, right?
22:09I think I'm a pretty good painter.
22:11Have a look at my paintings and tell me what you think.
22:13Or I think I'm a pretty good painter.
22:15I'm going to take my paintings to an art gallery and try and get them to hang them, right?
22:19All of this sort of stuff, right?
22:21I think I'm a pretty good singer.
22:23And I'm going to enter into a karaoke competition and see how I do.
22:26I think I'm a pretty good actor.
22:28I'm going to go audition for a bunch of plays, right, to check vanity.
22:33Vanity occurs when we resist empirical proof of our own perceived abilities because nothing
22:42humbles you like putting your beliefs about yourself to the test.
22:48You know, if you like to sing, you sing, you record yourself back, and I suppose a
22:54lot of times you're like, ooh, that's not quite as good as I thought it was, or that's
22:57not quite as pleasant as I thought it was, and so on, right?
23:00As a singer, I make a pretty good philosopher.
23:05So when you live alone, you almost always pray to delusional fantasies about your own
23:12abilities.
23:13I mean, here's the funny thing.
23:16I'd just be completely honest about this and all.
23:20I mean, I know this is something that I was hesitant to talk about, but I'll talk about
23:24it, right?
23:25Because, you know, might as well be honest.
23:26It's too late now for closing the kimono.
23:28But when I was younger, I mean, I've talked about this once before, but I'll give it another
23:32context.
23:33So when I was younger, if there was some celebrity, when I was single, right, some celebrity I
23:37liked, and I would hear she got married, I'd be like, aw, aw, you know, oh, Sandra Bullock
23:44got married?
23:45Like, I'm going to meet Sandra Bullock.
23:47She's going to fall in love with me.
23:48We're going to...
23:49Whatever it is, right?
23:50Because she seems like very funny, although she has pretty bad taste in men.
23:53And if she got divorced, I'd be like, ah, that's good.
23:56Like, I'm going to meet her, she's going to fall in love with me, get married, whatever,
24:01right?
24:02But even more than that, right?
24:04So I would look at, you know, because I've always loved music and so on, right?
24:09Although I don't have any particularly strong musical abilities in any way, shape or form,
24:13but I've always loved music.
24:14So I'd be like, you know, into sort of middle age.
24:19I'd see some band and I'd be like, well, you know, I could still do it, maybe.
24:24You know, I could just decide to quit.
24:26Like, it was just daydreaming, right?
24:27It was never anything I did seriously, because I've tried learning a bunch of instruments
24:31in my life and I have no particular facility with that kind of stuff and all of that, right?
24:35But I'd be like, yeah, I could, whatever, it's in the realm of possibility, right?
24:40But of course, you know, I didn't really believe it, otherwise I would have done it.
24:44Like the stuff where I thought it was in the realm of possibility for me to do great
24:46and important work was in the realm of philosophy.
24:48So really, as soon as I could find a way to make that sustainable, I locked in, as my
24:53daughter would say, and did it.
24:55So we have these daydreams and we need people to give us empirical feedback on our daydreams
25:03so we know whether they're realistic or vanity, right?
25:06So daydreams are usually about vanity, right?
25:11And again, this is not a criticism, they're just daydreams, right?
25:15But I would daydream about things that would benefit me.
25:18Oh, if I was a famous actor, I'd make a lot of money and I'd be popular and I'd be in
25:22demand and that would serve my ego, it would serve my vanity, right?
25:26If I became a famous writer, I'd be in demand, I'd have meetings, people would really want
25:30to talk to me and give me money, right?
25:32So that would be, that was about me, I wanted to be recognized, it was ego feed, right?
25:40Whereas with philosophy, I think what made it successful was, I was like, I never really
25:46thought about myself and I never really thought about, ooh, people are going to think I'm
25:50so smart, I mean, I was like, this could really benefit the world, this, like what I'm good
25:53at could really benefit the world.
25:56And so it was about the value that I could provide rather than the ego boost I could
26:00get.
26:01Lord knows you don't get into philosophy for an ego boost, because the world hates the
26:06truth.
26:07Because I don't think it always will, as peaceful parenting takes the four, but so I actually
26:12succeeded when it was no longer about how it would feed my ego, but rather how I could
26:18help the world, because that's sustainable, right?
26:20If you feed the ego, if it's about feeding the ego, then people would just feed you negative,
26:25they'll just give you negative feedback and then you'll stop doing it.
26:28But if it's about benefiting the world, as long as you are benefiting the world and I
26:31know that I am, the negative feedback becomes pretty inconsequential.
26:35So when you're alone, one of the reasons why you become unsocializable with, if that
26:43makes sense, is because you drift further and further from reality and further and further
26:47from a realistic assessment of your own skills, gifts, abilities.
26:52You can daydream, you can fantasize and because you're alone and you don't share things with
26:57people, you don't get any honest or direct feedback and then what happens is you retreat
27:01into fantasy and don't test things.
27:03Like I have a friend who had a friend many years ago, he was a friend of mine for many
27:07decades and he became, he did a judo thing.
27:11He would go and he was like an assistant teacher of introduction to judo and he thought he
27:17was like a really good judo guy and then he went into a competition and he got his knee
27:22crunched so badly he spent, you know, months in rehab, which would indicate a lack of skill
27:28because I think you're supposed to fight and not get injured that badly, right?
27:32And again, it could be bad luck and so on, but he never won a competition, he never placed,
27:35he never did particularly well at all.
27:38So I mean, it's a fine hobby and I'm not saying to him, I never said to him, don't do judo,
27:42I'd be just like, but you're not very good, right?
27:46And that's fine, right?
27:49I mean, when I enjoyed going to karaoke, people never said to me, don't do karaoke, but they
27:55would say to me, you know, that's okay, right?
27:57It's fine, but you know, not pro singer level and I'm like, yeah, I agree, but I enjoy doing
28:02it, it's fun.
28:03And I got to practice performing, which was very helpful to me when I started to do speeches
28:06and so on and I got to work with my voice, which was very helpful because my voice is
28:10my instrument, he said rather pompously, but you know, it's kind of true, right?
28:14So you drift in your self-assessment.
28:17People think they're really attractive when they're not.
28:20People think they're great at something when they're not.
28:22And then you start to get this thwarted vanity and then you start to blame the world for
28:25not recognizing your brilliance and even though the world is giving you fairly objective feedback
28:29about your brilliance or lack thereof, your skills and abilities or lack thereof, right?
28:34And then you end up in these laughable positions where people think that useless analogies
28:38are a substitute for great business judgment, right?
28:40So, you know, they go to Elon Musk with Doge and says, well, you know, it really should
28:46be a scalpel rather than a chainsaw.
28:49Well, a scalpel is fine if you're taking out an appendix, but a scalpel won't cut down
28:53a bunch of trees.
28:55So they think, well, it's surgery with a chainsaw, but it's not surgery.
28:58You have to cut down a bunch of trees really quickly because there's a fire spreading,
29:02so you need a chainsaw.
29:03Anyway, so, and they think that they have better business judgment because they can
29:08come up with a useless analogy than the most successful businessman the world has ever seen.
29:15I mean, that's like me looking at Freddie Mercury at Live Aid and saying, amateur, I
29:19could do way better than that.
29:21Yeah, it's widely recognized as the best concert in, best live performance in history, at least
29:28for rock and pop.
29:30Anyway, so then what happens is you end up with such a distorted view of yourself that
29:35people don't want to get to know you because getting to know you will require hacking through
29:40your delusions about yourself and trying to set you straight.
29:43And that's the job for a mental health professional, not for a buddy.
29:48So I mean, I'm sure you've met older people who wax on about how great they are at things
29:52with no particular, you know, it's the old thing about the guy at the end of the bar
29:57who's got a solution to all the world's problems.
29:59And it's like, okay, well, if you have a solution to all the world's problems, why are you just
30:02a guy at the end of a bar mouthing off to people who don't have any power?
30:07Right?
30:09And so then what happens is people end up with their vanities and delusions about themselves
30:15becoming cemented because of a lack of feedback.
30:17They can just live in their own head and imagine themselves to be as great as they want.
30:21And then what happens, of course, is that people meet them and they wax eloquent about
30:27how great they are and people are like, oh, forget this, like this.
30:30I don't see it.
30:31And there's no evidence that supports it.
30:33And so I'm not going to get invested in trying to undo this guy's illusions, right?
30:38I mean, this happened in the call yesterday and it was an interesting coincidence that
30:41the call happened yesterday on the Telegram live stream and then I saw this guy at the
30:46festival same day.
30:48Ah, you know, the universe sometimes flicks your ear to have you pay attention to something.
30:53So then people, you end up drifting off into your own delusions because you're not getting
30:56feedback from a social circle, you end up putting things to the test because you'd rather
30:59live in a fantasy of how great you are rather than put it to the test.
31:03You know, like I always thought I was a good debater and I was vice president of the debating
31:06club in my university and so on.
31:09And so I'm eager to do debates.
31:11I think I'm pretty good.
31:13And so I'm eager to put it to the test.
31:16And I did, you know, when I was younger, I entered singing competitions and I did okay.
31:20But I mean, you then see the guys who get up and the men and women who get up who can
31:24really do it.
31:25And you're like, yeah, well, okay.
31:28I remember watching a guy, I was in the singing competition and I did okay, I saw the place
31:32in the middle.
31:33But then there was a guy who got up and did like a note perfect rendition of a very difficult
31:37song to sing called Unchained Melody by the Righteous Brothers.
31:40And like he even hit the falsetto effortlessly and I'm like, oh, okay, so that guy's got
31:44the pipes.
31:45Right.
31:46I can, I can make notes work, but I can't, I don't have notes work.
31:50It's effortful, which means it's less pleasant to listen to and usually a little flat.
31:53So anyway, so then when you meet people who are, you know, let's say you met my friend
31:58who's now, gosh, he's 60.
32:01Yeah, he's 61.
32:02So you met my friend who, you know, kind of short, a little tubby, and he tells you about
32:07how great he is at judo and you're like, okay, maybe it's a Mr. Miyagi thing that I just
32:11don't really see, but I don't, you know, I don't really get it.
32:16And then, you know, maybe you go over to his place for a coffee and you see that he has
32:21like no judo trophies anywhere.
32:23Say, oh, where are your judo trophies?
32:24Oh, I don't really enter competition, you know, it's not really what I'm in it for.
32:28You know, I entered competition, but it's all rigged, you know, like this kind of stuff,
32:32right?
32:33Where people explain their failures by complaining about corruption within the systems, right?
32:38And you know, they just don't let people like me have a chance, right?
32:40And then you're just like, okay, so maybe all of this is true, but the likelihood is
32:44he's just not very good at judo, but he believes that he is.
32:47And then are you, you know, if this is just an acquaintance or someone you're just getting
32:50to know, are you really invested in them finding out the truth and you stripping away their
32:56illusions, you know, Stanley Kowalski style?
32:58Are you there to do that?
33:00Are you there to, you know, really say, I don't really see the proof and, right, they've
33:03obviously got decades invested in this delusion of themselves being the next Ginger Bruce
33:07Lee or whatever.
33:09And in their early 60s, like, are you really going to sit down and say, yeah, I don't see
33:15it.
33:16Or are you going to sit there and say, okay, let me enter a competition, I'll come and
33:19watch and see what the judges say.
33:21Like you're just not going to be invested in that.
33:23So particularly when you meet people middle-aged or later who are hardened into their own delusions
33:28about themselves, you just move on.
33:30Because either then you have to nod and smile when they say things that appear absurd to
33:34you, or you have to fight them on their delusions, neither of which is fun.
33:38It's not fun to nod and smile at people's delusions about themselves.
33:42And it's also not fun to take on people's delusions, because that's, you know, kind
33:47of the job of paid professionals.
33:49And of course, if they wanted to take on their delusions, they would pay those professionals
33:52and they don't, right?
33:54So this is how you vanish.
33:57You need people around you to stay sane.
33:59You need people around you to stay reality grounded.
34:02People believe in you for good reason and love you.
34:05You have an infinite jetpack of potential success.
34:09If you retreat from people's judgments in order to hang on to your own delusions, you
34:12vanish from the world.
34:13You have like an invisibility cloak.
34:15People may, you know, they may sit with you and have lunch and talk about sports and the
34:18weather, but you're not going to be left.
34:21Because we can only meet in reality and delusions isolate you from love, affection, connection
34:25and truth.
34:27So stay with people, challenge your own beliefs about yourself, right?
34:33If you believe that you are great at something, put it to the test.
34:38You think you're a great writer, write and publish.
34:40You think you're a great actor, go audition for things.
34:42You think you're great at business, go and do business.
34:46You think that you're underappreciated at work, write up a bunch of proposals and bring
34:49them to your boss.
34:50You think you're great at managing money, manage more money.
34:56Put things to the test and that way you avoid the trap of vanity, you stay in the realm
35:01of humility, which means you get feedback, which means you get people who will give and
35:05take with you facts, reality and evidence, and you stay real and you stay connected.
35:10Do not vanish into your own vanity.
35:13It's a great temptation, particularly for people who have some reasonable degrees of
35:18ability.
35:19Put things to the test, stay with people, do not vanish, because man, despawning is
35:25way easier than you think and there's no road back.
35:30Freedomain.com slash donate, really appreciate it if you could help out the show.
35:34Lots of love from up here.
35:35I guess I'll talk to you soon in the live stream.
35:38Take care.