Have.I.Got.News.for.You.S69E02
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00This is a production of WGBH.
00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:37Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:40I'm Martin Clunes.
00:42In the news this week, the latest AI humanoid goes home
00:45after experiencing its first happy hour at Wetherspoons.
00:55Following sweeping welfare reforms,
00:57there are fears the government's new fitness to work assessment
00:59could be too physically challenging.
01:07And as Donald Trump's trade policy collapses into chaos,
01:10government economists in The Herd and McDonald Islands
01:13frantically try to make sense of it all.
01:22On Ian's team tonight is a comedian and actor
01:24who played Noah's son in the BBC drama The Ark,
01:27telling the biblical story of when humanity
01:29was on the brink of total disaster.
01:31But, of course, he can put all that behind him now.
01:34Please welcome Ian Smith.
01:37APPLAUSE
01:42On Paul's team tonight is a journalist and broadcaster
01:44who says the greatest privilege in journalism
01:46is to go to places, witness history and write it down.
01:49And tell that to the poor sod who's following Ed Davies campaign trail.
01:54LAUGHTER
01:55Please welcome Helen Lewis.
01:56APPLAUSE
02:01And so we begin with the biggest stories of the week.
02:04Ian and Ian, here's yours.
02:05Hooray! The world's going to end.
02:10That's HS2.
02:14That's the Chinese telling Trump where he can go.
02:17Bit of smoke.
02:19That's how slow car production is now in the UK.
02:22The trouble is, anything could have happened by the time we go out.
02:26Or, indeed, by the time I finish this sentence.
02:29LAUGHTER
02:30His reactions change so rapidly that, you know, the story's gone.
02:35And all his supporters have to justify it.
02:37Which is the good bit.
02:39Because he says, they say, Trump's going to stand firm,
02:41he's not going to change, he's got a spine, he's not going to buckle...
02:44Whoa!
02:45He's gone.
02:47And then they say it was his plan all along.
02:48Yeah.
02:50They had this thing a couple of weeks ago when the new phrase was
02:51Trust in Trump until somebody pointed out what the initials stand for.
02:55LAUGHTER
02:57Stop saying it.
02:58Stop saying it.
03:00And whenever I hear it now, I think it's President Truss.
03:03Because...
03:05He's done the same thing.
03:06Yes.
03:07He was claiming his tariff splurge was working right up until Wednesday.
03:10Let's have a look.
03:12I'm telling you, these countries are calling us up.
03:14Kissing my ass.
03:16They are...
03:17They are dying to make a deal.
03:19Please, please, sir, make a deal.
03:20I'll do anything.
03:21I'll do anything, sir.
03:23Oh!
03:25How has he got his hair so rectangular there?
03:27It's like he's done it in a jelly mould or something.
03:30I think that's evening hair.
03:32LAUGHTER
03:33When I heard him talk about Liberation Day,
03:34I kept thinking it was Liberace Day.
03:37LAUGHTER
03:41He's incredibly campy.
03:42He's got small hands and he's really...
03:45He's really bitchy.
03:47Who would love that, though?
03:48Sorry.
03:49I thought I just saw Egan attempting to impersonate Liberace.
03:53LAUGHTER
03:57Sorry, Mr Merton, it's time to take you away now.
03:59It is.
04:00The world's turned upside down.
04:02Honestly, to boast about other countries coming and crawling to you
04:06and kissing arse...
04:08I mean, yes, he is an arse, but...
04:10LAUGHTER
04:12It's really frustrating for us as well because we...
04:15We kissed his arse before anyone else did.
04:17LAUGHTER
04:18That was all we had to brag, is that we were on 10%.
04:21Now everyone's on 10%.
04:22Yeah.
04:23Could have at least put us on, like, 9.5%.
04:26LAUGHTER
04:28Yeah, the bloody penguins are on 10% and they didn't even offer up their king.
04:31Yeah.
04:32LAUGHTER
04:38APPLAUSE
04:39But the penguins are wearing suits.
04:42LAUGHTER
04:46Thank you very much.
04:47Anybody know how Trump's press secretary, Caroline Leavitt,
04:50described his tough negotiating stance?
04:52Didn't she say it was the art of the deal?
04:54She said,
04:55President Trump has a spine of steel and he will not break.
04:59And a few hours later, do you know what Trump said?
05:0225% on steel.
05:04LAUGHTER
05:05You have to have flexibility.
05:07LAUGHTER
05:12It was just totally incoherent.
05:14I think that he's taking credit for reversing one of the most
05:16catastrophic decisions in the history of the American presidency.
05:19Yeah.
05:20It's like the fireman who comes in and says,
05:22OK, I set fire to the place, but look, I'm putting it out now.
05:26I wonder how Liberace would deal with a house.
05:29LAUGHTER
05:31I wonder what that would look like.
05:33Your house is on fire.
05:35Yeah.
05:37And now I'm watching you do Liberace.
05:39Yeah.
05:40And nobody recognised who it was.
05:42Do you know how his team put a spin on his blinking port?
05:45Liberace? I've no idea.
05:47They just thought, they said, oh, it's probably...
05:49They come up with all this nonsense about how he's some genius or something
05:52instead of having the intelligence of a brick.
05:55He plays fourth dimensional chess or something somebody said at one point.
05:58Trolling to one Trump insider,
06:00some people seem to think Trump's playing chess,
06:02when most of the time the staff are just trying to stop him from eating the pieces.
06:06LAUGHTER
06:07Do you know who might be getting out of the US before things get too tough?
06:17The entire population.
06:20It's Percy Pig.
06:22Percy's handlers, Marks and Spencers, are worried that bags of gelatinous chew
06:26will break the $4 mark and stop the Americans buying them.
06:29So they're thinking of pulling Percy out.
06:30I did that at a party once, then I still regret it.
06:35LAUGHTER
06:37Moving on.
06:41The equation for working out the tariffs has been ridiculed as childish.
06:44How did Trump's team try and enhance the credibility of their calculations?
06:49They put Greek letters in it, on the basis that looks kind of fancy.
06:52They did. Let's have a look.
06:54Yeah.
06:56Which is either a very complex formula or the name of Elon Musk's youngest.
07:01LAUGHTER
07:08They've actually put President Xi's name in there.
07:11I know!
07:13Xi minus...
07:14Me?
07:16I mean, you say Trump and Xi, I'm sure it's just a coincidence
07:18that there's also two arseholes in there.
07:20LAUGHTER
07:28Ian, here's a question for you.
07:29Which, Ian?
07:31What? You!
07:32Oh.
07:33Any will do.
07:35We should have nicknames.
07:36Have you ever heard a nickname?
07:38I have.
07:39The accused.
07:41APPLAUSE
07:43Yeah.
07:44What's a panican?
07:45Well, yesterday I googled what is a tariff, so I don't think I...
07:50LAUGHTER
07:51It's one of Trump's jokes.
07:52Is it a panicking Republican?
07:53There you go.
07:54In his own words, it's a new party based on weak and stupid people.
07:59Which he isn't leading, to be clear.
08:00LAUGHTER
08:01It's meant to be a play on the word Republican.
08:02It doesn't work on any level.
08:03LAUGHTER
08:04Do you want to hear another Trump joke?
08:05Yeah, go on.
08:06Well, I don't think I've heard one yet, but...
08:07LAUGHTER
08:08White House gardeners have had to cut down a magnolia tree
08:10planted by President Andrew Jackson around 1830.
08:11Mmm.
08:12And it was replaced with a new sapling, which Trump has called...
08:13The Maganolia Tree.
08:14You see?
08:16Oh, no.
08:17The 200-year-old magnolia tree that that replaced has seen a lot
08:19of presidential history.
08:20Andrew Jackson planted it.
08:21FDR sat in its shade and the one that was replaced at the
08:22United States.
08:23It doesn't work on any level.
08:24It doesn't work on any level.
08:25You want to hear another Trump joke?
08:26Yeah, go on.
08:27Well, well, I don't think I've heard one yet, but...
08:28LAUGHTER
08:40and Joe Biden walked into it eight times.
08:48The Republican whip, Tom Emmer, speaking at a Republican dinner,
08:52summed up how everyone's feeling about Trump now.
08:55President Trump is counting on him!
09:05So, this is Donald Trump's pause in tariffs
09:08for everyone but China.
09:10Trump's tariffs policy has been strongly defended
09:12by the White House press secretary, Caroline Leavitt.
09:15Apparently, the only other candidate for the job
09:17was Ron Take It and Bob Leggett.
09:19LAUGHTER
09:21Some of the highest tariffs have been imposed
09:24on Vietnam, Cambodia and Thailand,
09:26threatening the jobs of millions of children.
09:28LAUGHTER
09:32The UK is now considering putting tariffs on US products,
09:34including American toilet seats,
09:36apparently they're number two export.
09:38LAUGHTER
09:40Yeah.
09:42Paul and Helen, here's yours.
09:43Yes, this is a man dressed as a rat.
09:46This is the sad situation in Birmingham at the moment.
09:49Oh, there's a 1928 cartoon suggesting that rats
09:53are pouring into Birmingham, which they are.
09:55So, yes, this has been going on now.
09:56How long is it, a month?
09:57A month now, yeah, and they declared...
09:59A state of emergency is probably overselling it slightly,
10:02but they certainly invoked emergency powers.
10:04Major incident.
10:05There we go.
10:06January, I think, it started.
10:08Oh, did it?
10:09Yes, it's all a bit serious, isn't it?
10:11It's been horrible.
10:12Covered in 23,000 tonnes of festering rubbish.
10:15But on the plus side, Only Fools and Horses,
10:16the musicals, aren't at the Birmingham Hippodrome.
10:19LAUGHTER
10:21Someone suggested they should bring in the army.
10:23It does sound like the beginning of one of those adverts
10:26where they say, if you can collect a bin, you can drive a tank.
10:31Yeah.
10:32Collecting rubbish isn't actually as straightforward as you might think,
10:35at least not judging by this man.
10:37BUZZER
10:39BUZZER
10:40BUZZER
10:41BUZZER
10:46According to The Sun, the streets were being invaded
10:48by rats the size of cats.
10:50The Eye newspaper said locals had reported seeing rats the size of cats.
10:54And you guessed it, the Daily Mail said the city
10:56was being overrun by rats the size of baby monkeys.
10:59LAUGHTER
11:01They just need to send in cats the size of dogs.
11:04LAUGHTER
11:07APPLAUSE
11:10Let's take a look at how agency bin men drafted in to replace those
11:15on strike reacted when they saw a rat.
11:17BUZZER
11:19BUZZER
11:24Here comes the big one.
11:26BUZZER
11:27Go on, my son!
11:28BUZZER
11:30BUZZER
11:31Wes Streeting has said that the situation needs to be resolved
11:35as people's health is now at risk.
11:37Did anybody hear him on Radio 4's Today programme this week?
11:40Oh.
11:41Here he is, shedding some light on a major issue of the day
11:43in an interview with Nick Robinson.
11:44But, secondly, to reassure people we're not complacent.
11:46But, secondly, this has been turning into a party election broadcast
11:47before, and I want to ask you some questions, if I may...
11:49No, it's not, Nick.
11:50It's reporting back to people on what we're actually doing.
11:52Well, let's report back on the reality.
11:54And against the backdrop of lots of cynicism, it's important that we do
11:57report back on what we're actually doing.
11:59BUZZER
11:59So that's cleared that up.
12:00LAUGHTER
12:01So this is the news that the streets of Birmingham are piled high
12:07with rat-infested bin bags blocking pavements.
12:11In fact, it's so bad that Lenny Henry can't get out of his Premiere Inn.
12:14LAUGHTER
12:17The Mail Online gave this graphic illustration of how bad the rat problem is.
12:21LAUGHTER
12:23It's not the best way to sell a glove on eBay, is it?
12:25LAUGHTER
12:27People who like this item also like this.
12:29LAUGHTER
12:33Yes, there's time now for round two.
12:35Oh, yes.
12:36And with the news that over-fishing may lead to a shortage of mackerel,
12:39what better time to employ the fishing rod of news?
12:43Yes.
12:44LAUGHTER
12:45Fingers on buzzers, teams.
12:47Yeah.
12:48BUZZER
12:49BUZZER
12:51BUZZER
12:52Well, the float doesn't even match the one that you've got there.
12:55LAUGHTER
12:57They're Universal, they're going to build a big sort of like multi-acre park
13:00in Bedford, somewhere near Luton Airport.
13:02It's going to take six years to build, but it's going to create 28,000 jobs.
13:05Kier Stummer tried to make a joke.
13:07He said, when people said getting into politics would be a roller coaster,
13:10I didn't think they meant like this.
13:12LAUGHTER
13:14Jesus Christ.
13:15LAUGHTER
13:16He also said, it's going to put Bedford on the map.
13:19Mm.
13:20Which is news to maps, I think.
13:22LAUGHTER
13:23What did you get there?
13:25The Guardian suggested the park could feature a Minions-themed ride
13:28called the Loop-dee-doo-deep.
13:31Doop-dee.
13:32Do you know what you're saying?
13:34LAUGHTER
13:35Just reading out this collection of letters.
13:37Yeah.
13:38It's annoying that we're going to have a Minions-themed roller coaster
13:40before HS2 is completed.
13:42LAUGHTER
13:44I read an article that said one of Universal's biggest films was Oppenheimer.
13:49LAUGHTER
13:50Oh!
13:51If you want an Oppenheimer theme park, just nuke Bedford.
13:55LAUGHTER
13:57They're expecting 8.5 million visitors in the first year.
14:01Here's an artist's impression of what the park will look like.
14:04I don't want to alarm you, but one of the bits at the top of it is on fire.
14:08LAUGHTER
14:10The BBC News went down there to have a look.
14:12Let's see how the builders are getting on.
14:14Yes, I'm standing on the site, as you can see.
14:17There's a big pile of bricks behind me.
14:19I'm standing in some brick rubble.
14:22LAUGHTER
14:24The Tourism Minister, Chris Bryant, responded to the news by saying,
14:28this will be absolutely transformational for the British tourism industry
14:32if we manage to pull it off.
14:34LAUGHTER
14:36What's the particularly good news for the locals of Bedford?
14:39Jobs.
14:41A train station?
14:42They haven't promised that, but they have promised...
14:44..a dedicated slip road off the A41.
14:47LAUGHTER
14:49As local MP Chris Curtis said,
14:51they say dreams only come true in Hollywood,
14:54but soon you will just need to take the A421 to Bedford.
14:59APPLAUSE
15:01And whilst we're on the subject of the A421,
15:07does anybody know what its claim to fame is?
15:09It was once the location of the fastest speeding incident
15:12ever recorded by British police when a man from Leamington Spa
15:15was filmed travelling at 157 miles per hour on the Tindwick bypass.
15:20Was he in a car?
15:22LAUGHTER
15:23In other news, what was Boris Johnson filmed doing with an ostrich this week?
15:27BUZZ
15:28BUZZ
15:29No.
15:30BUZZ
15:31BUZZ
15:32BUZZ
15:33Are you going to show it?
15:35Yeah.
15:36Yeah, go on.
15:37BUZZ
15:38BUZZ
15:39BUZZ
15:40BUZZ
15:41BUZZ
15:42BUZZ
15:43BUZZ
15:44BUZZ
15:45BUZZ
15:46BUZZ
15:47Really, some people never forget Brexit.
15:49LAUGHTER
15:51Let's hope that ostrich has had its jabs.
15:53LAUGHTER
15:58His wife posted that.
15:59Mm.
16:00It's called a vendetta.
16:01LAUGHTER
16:04Last week we had footage of a woman being attacked by an ostrich.
16:07Yeah.
16:08Do you think they've sort of just copied that idea?
16:10Oh, yes, come on, Carrie, let's go fight an ostrich and do a funny clip.
16:13Yeah.
16:14LAUGHTER
16:15We'll go viral!
16:17LAUGHTER
16:18Yeah, this will get me back as Prime Minister.
16:21Do you think he put a bag of sort of nuts and seeds in his lap
16:25in an attempt to make...
16:26Not for the first time!
16:27LAUGHTER
16:29That's how he did it.
16:32Yeah.
16:33It says, get your rod out.
16:35Here we go.
16:36Fingers on buzzers, teams.
16:37There it goes.
16:38BUZZ
16:39BUZZ
16:40BUZZ
16:41BUZZ
16:42BUZZ
16:43BUZZ
16:44BUZZ
16:45BUZZ
16:46BUZZ
16:47BUZZ
16:48The King and Queen have visited Rome, and that's the Colosseum.
16:50They were disappointed to find out that no shows are happening that day.
16:53They haven't happened for a few hundred years.
16:55And he got to meet the Pope as well, which was quite something.
16:58It's a big 20th wedding anniversary present, meeting the Pope.
17:02That's what they were out there for, 20th wedding anniversary.
17:05Usually 20th is China, but the tariffs are so high now.
17:09LAUGHTER
17:11APPLAUSE
17:13Very good.
17:15They met Georgia Maloney, the Prime Minister.
17:17They walked past some massive guards.
17:20Real whoppers.
17:21Look at them.
17:22Look at them.
17:23LAUGHTER
17:24Loads of them.
17:25There was incredible video footage of them listening to the National Anthem
17:28from behind a hedge.
17:30Do you have that?
17:31I mean, they look like a sort of naughty seaside postcard.
17:34You can just see the top of them peeking over.
17:36It's delightful.
17:37We do have that clip.
17:38LAUGHTER
17:39APPLAUSE
17:52APPLAUSE
17:53That is...
17:54It's probably a Tofu tribute.
17:56Do you think they forgot to get dressed or something?
17:58Yes.
17:59They said, quit, get on the balcony now!
18:01LAUGHTER
18:03King Charles presented Italy's President Mattarella
18:06with the Knight Grand Cross of the Order of the Bath.
18:09And Camilla was given a margarita pizza.
18:12LAUGHTER
18:13Which is named after Queen Margherita of Italy.
18:17I think a lot of their pizzas are named after royals,
18:20like Prince Sloppy Giuseppe.
18:22LAUGHTER
18:24It's weird seeing a royal have a pizza, I think.
18:27Why?
18:28You ever thinking of Prince Andrew?
18:30LAUGHTER
18:32LAUGHTER
18:37The King also enjoyed another visit recently.
18:40The London Vegetable Orchestra came to see him at Windsor Castle.
18:43Yes.
18:44And he played the carrot.
18:45He did.
18:46Let's take a look at that.
18:47Yeah.
18:48One is a reminder of Keir Starmer's relationship with Donald Trump.
19:05LAUGHTER
19:06He's game, though, isn't he?
19:07Yeah, he is.
19:08Yeah.
19:09How many other heads of state would play a carrot?
19:10Yeah.
19:11If you presented Donald Trump with a holiday aubergine,
19:12he wouldn't get a tune out of it.
19:13And that's why Britain is still great.
19:14Yeah.
19:15Yeah.
19:16Yeah.
19:17APPLAUSE
19:18Oh, yes.
19:19This is the royal visit to Rome.
19:20The Queen told reporters that the secret to a lasting marriage
19:22was laughing at the same thing.
19:23Like Meghan's new Netflix show.
19:25During their state visit, the King and Queen had an audience with His Holiness
19:28at the Vatican, although there was an awkward moment when Camilla nipped out for a fag
19:29and the crowd thought they'd elected a new pope.
19:30LAUGHTER
19:31Time now for the odd-one-out round, just one between the two and the two.
19:32And the two.
19:33And the two.
19:34And the two.
19:35And the two.
19:36And the two.
19:37One.
19:38One.
19:39One.
19:40One.
19:41One.
19:42One.
19:43One.
19:44One.
19:45One.
19:46One.
19:47One.
19:48One.
19:49One.
19:50One.
19:51One.
19:52One.
19:53One.
19:54One.
19:55One.
19:56One.
19:57One.
19:58One.
19:59One.
20:00One.
20:01One.
20:02One.
20:03One.
20:04One.
20:05One.
20:06One.
20:07One.
20:08One.
20:09One.
20:10One.
20:11One.
20:12One.
20:13One.
20:14One.
20:15One.
20:16One.
20:17One.
20:18One.
20:19One.
20:20One.
20:21One.
20:22One.
20:23One.
20:24One.
20:25One.
20:26One.
20:27Well, has the pilot also been flying at the same person?
20:30LAUGHTER
20:32The tunnocked tea cakes have just been allowed back on planes.
20:36When I was younger, they weren't allowed on planes
20:38because everybody thought they blew up.
20:40Did they have gelignite in them? What, back then,
20:42was it, like, lower food standards?
20:43And one of the ingredients is Semtex.
20:45LAUGHTER
20:47No, I haven't made that up, have I?
20:48No, you haven't. They've been on the RAF's no-fly list since 1965,
20:53when a tunnocked tea cake on board a nuclear bomber exploded
20:57and sprayed marshmallow all over the pilot's cockpit.
21:00LAUGHTER
21:02Well, they are flying again, and Lindsay Hoyle is the speaker.
21:08He's defending...
21:10..going around in private jets and taking a lot of flights.
21:13So, it's about who's allowed to fly.
21:15I think the hawk's been captured, so... That's right.
21:18..it doesn't fly any more.
21:19And pilots, even though they're stressed, they're still flying.
21:23No, they've all been prevented from flying,
21:25apart from Sir Lindsay Hoyle,
21:27who's been criticised for taking too many first-class flights.
21:29According to the Daily Mail, Lindsay Hoyle has billed taxpayers
21:33£250,000 for foreign trips in two years,
21:37including £180,000 on first- and business-class flights.
21:41And it's not just their flights he's enjoyed, are they?
21:44He's been charging for expensive meals and five-star hotels as well.
21:47One Freedom of Information request revealed that...
21:50..flights for a nine-day trip to South Africa in St Helena
21:53cost the taxpayer £21,300.
21:56Good grief, he sits in the restaurant going,
21:58Order!
21:59LAUGHTER
22:01Do you know what the slogan they've come up with
22:05for the campaign against him?
22:07Oh, just stop Hoyle.
22:08Yeah.
22:09LAUGHTER
22:10How has he justified his flights?
22:14I like it.
22:15I think he said speakers in other countries
22:19have private jets on hand all the time.
22:21He told The Times,
22:22It's about using my power and influence to speak out,
22:25because it's about speaking truth to power
22:28to the Chinese and to Russia, he shouted, from South Africa.
22:32LAUGHTER
22:33The RAF have approved tonics tea cakes for flights
22:36after a series of rigorous tests
22:38in an altitude chamber in Bedfordshire.
22:41Oh, that could be a new theme park, right?
22:44Could be a ride, it could be a squash a tea cake.
22:46Not ride a tonic tea cake, it's explosive ride.
22:48LAUGHTER
22:49Shall we see what happens to a rapidly decompressed
22:51tonics tea cake? Oh, yeah. Come on.
22:53Standby for rapid decompression in five, four, three, two, one, now.
22:59BUZZER
23:00Oh!
23:01LAUGHTER
23:02Was this by any chance filmed on April the 1st?
23:11LAUGHTER
23:14Do you want to know who invented the tonics tea cake?
23:16Was it Tunnock?
23:17It is.
23:18Sir Archibald Boyd Tunnock, who invented the tea cake in 1956.
23:22There he is, look.
23:23LAUGHTER
23:25He thought he'd invented contact lenses, but...
23:27LAUGHTER
23:30His moustache just looks like he's eaten a tea cake really quickly.
23:33LAUGHTER
23:35And how has the hawk in Flamstead been prevented from flying?
23:38The man who got attacked's wife has caught it.
23:40Yeah, he's been caught and taken in a sinister turn of phrase
23:43to undergo...retraining.
23:45LAUGHTER
23:47He's gone to live on a farm.
23:49LAUGHTER
23:51Why was a pilot flying from Los Angeles to Shanghai
23:54stopped from flying?
23:56Drunk.
23:57No.
23:58The pilot.
24:00The plane had to make a U-turn two hours into the flight
24:03because the pilot didn't have his passport with him.
24:05Oh!
24:07The plane eventually landed at Shanghai's Pudong Airport
24:10six hours late, causing a bit of a ding-dong at Pudong.
24:13LAUGHTER
24:16So they've all been prevented from flying except for Lindsay Hoyle,
24:20who's been flying too much.
24:22The village of Flamstead in Hertfordshire was left in terror
24:24after a spate of hawk attacks.
24:26According to The Telegraph, postmen stopped delivering mail
24:29and scaffolders left work unfinished.
24:31And then the hawk attacks began.
24:33LAUGHTER
24:34The flight from L.A. to Shanghai was delayed for six hours,
24:40which irritated and annoyed most of the passengers,
24:42although it did give Lindsay Hoyle the chance to enjoy another
24:44cocktail in a cucumber face mask.
24:46LAUGHTER
24:48It's time now for the missing words round, and we start with...
24:51Torval and Dean reveal they are addicted to what?
24:54Off you go.
24:55LAUGHTER
24:56Licking the ice and making your tongue stick to it.
25:03LAUGHTER
25:05You're not a million miles away.
25:08Oh!
25:09Putting other body parts on the ice and making them stick to it.
25:12LAUGHTER
25:15They're addicted to ice baths.
25:18Next.
25:19Those attending Bournemouth Library's Watt must sit on a towel.
25:23LAUGHTER
25:25I know this one, I saw this one.
25:27Those attending Bournemouth Library's annual Caccia Pants for Charity Day...
25:30LAUGHTER
25:32LAUGHTER
25:37..must sit on a towel.
25:39It's health and safety.
25:40You're mad.
25:42LAUGHTER
25:43It's a nude writing workshop.
25:45Ooh!
25:46LAUGHTER
25:47Next.
25:48Emmanuel Macron won't leave the house without wearing what?
25:51A supercilious grin.
25:53LAUGHTER
25:54Wearing out his wife's patience.
25:57LAUGHTER
25:58Wearing out his wife's pants.
26:00LAUGHTER
26:01It's scent.
26:02I read this story.
26:03He wears a huge amount of scent.
26:05Does he?
26:06Cheeky devil.
26:07It's called cologne when it's men.
26:09LAUGHTER
26:11And the answer is an industrial quantity of cologne.
26:14LAUGHTER
26:15According to insiders, Emmanuel Macron wears a lot of aftershave
26:18as a way of marking his territory.
26:20LAUGHTER
26:21Donald Trump just pees in the corner.
26:23LAUGHTER
26:24And finally, theatre-goers at a Tina Turner musical surprised to discover what?
26:32It's not simply the best.
26:34LAUGHTER
26:35Theatre-goers at a Tina Turner musical surprised to discover the musical is actually about a man who rotates fish.
26:41LAUGHTER
26:43LAUGHTER
26:44That's right, a Tuna Turner.
26:46Yes.
26:47APPLAUSE
26:48Tina Turner would not be starring.
26:51LAUGHTER
26:53Tina Turner sadly no longer with us, but the theatre in London felt obliged to offer the following disclaimer.
26:58Please note that Tina Turner will not be appearing in this production.
27:01And I've also got some bad news for anyone who's got tickets to see Richard III.
27:05LAUGHTER
27:08So, the final scores.
27:10Aw.
27:11Ian and Ian have caught up handsomely with four, but Paul and Helen still smashing it with five.
27:16Oh, well done.
27:17APPLAUSE
27:21But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
27:25King Charles is third in line to try a drink that turns you into a bald man wearing glasses.
27:29LAUGHTER
27:33On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and Ian Smith, Paul Merton and Helen Lewis.
27:38And I leave you with news that there's a deflating moment for the King,
27:41as it's explained that he has nothing to unveil and he is simply visiting a curtain factory.
27:46LAUGHTER
27:51At Mar-a-Lago, there are fears that Donald Trump may be sleepwalking again.
27:54LAUGHTER
27:56LAUGHTER
28:01And there's controversy in the latter stages of the Champions League,
28:03as Borussia Dortmund introduce a new striker with a unique genetic advantage.
28:09LAUGHTER
28:14Good night.
28:15APPLAUSE
28:16With guests from David Letterman to Louis Theroux, there's plenty to learn and laugh about
28:32in the Adam Buxton podcast, the perfect company no matter what your plans this weekend.
28:36Listen now on Sounds.
28:38APPLAUSE
28:39APPLAUSE
28:50APPLAUSE