Part 1 of 6 of the 1990 children's drama. While in hospital reporter Trevor Trotman meets Billy Webb, a young boy who enters his ward with a broken leg. Asking how he came to be in hospital, Billy tells him it is a long story and soon regales him with how he came to meet the mysterious Alphonso Bonzo. Billy is the swap king of his school, always able to make a deal with someone or other. Then one day a mysterious Italian exchange student turns up on his doorstep with an offer of a swap of his own. He offers his brightly coloured bag in exchange for his school bag, but little does Billy realize that his new bag has somewhat mysterious powers.
Please note this is from a video recording as it has never been released on DVD or repeated since it's broadcast on January 4th 1990. As such there is one moment where there is a news flash that pops up about 7 mins into the episode and where it briefly loses it's sound. This is a fault from the actual broadcast and cannot be helped.
Please note this is from a video recording as it has never been released on DVD or repeated since it's broadcast on January 4th 1990. As such there is one moment where there is a news flash that pops up about 7 mins into the episode and where it briefly loses it's sound. This is a fault from the actual broadcast and cannot be helped.
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TVTranscript
00:00Oh
00:30hello Trotman's the name Trevor Trotman ace reporter well not exactly ace reporter yet
00:41I'm more of a trainee on the local paper but I'm dead ambitious and I've just had a fantastic bit
00:46of luck no really if I hadn't fetched up in hospital with this I'd never have met Billy
00:54Webb and heard his amazing story if this doesn't get me to Fleet Street I don't know what will
00:59listen I'll tell you how it happened it was like this I was just lying here when
01:06you
01:12you
01:14you
01:16you
01:18you
01:24Morning.
01:40Hello.
01:41Trotman's the name.
01:42Trevor Trotman.
01:43What's yours?
01:44Billy Webb.
01:45Broken your leg, have you, Billy?
01:46Oh, I had your guess.
01:47I'm an investigative journalist.
01:49Oh.
01:50I've broken my leg too.
01:52Funny, that.
01:52I bet you can't guess how I did it.
01:55Fell off a climbing frame.
01:56Fact.
01:57Aren't you a bit old for climbing frames?
02:00Part of me job as a reporter.
02:02People were saying the adventure playground wasn't safe.
02:05Paper sent Trotman to investigate.
02:07As a matter of fact, I've never been all that brilliant at climbing,
02:10but the paper was relying on me.
02:12So up I went.
02:13Hand over hand.
02:14Got a bit overexcited.
02:16Waved to our photographer.
02:17Lost me balance.
02:17Fell off.
02:17Broke me leg.
02:18How about you?
02:19It's a bit of a long story.
02:21I'm a reporter, Billy Webb.
02:22My business's stories.
02:24Nah.
02:25You wouldn't believe me if I did tell you.
02:27Come on.
02:28Try me.
02:30Well...
02:30You ever hear of a bloke called Alfonso Bonzo?
02:36Alfonso Bonzo?
02:38He's an exchange student.
02:40From Italy.
02:41Never heard of him.
02:42Well, it all started when I met him, really.
02:44And that's how I came to hear Billy Webb's story.
02:48But be warned.
02:49It's not a story for the faint-hearted,
02:51or for anyone who's afraid of wild mice.
02:55But if you're interested in weird goings-on,
02:58stay tuned.
02:59You'll pop your socks.
03:01The thing you have to understand about Billy Webb
03:23is that he's a very ordinary kid in most ways.
03:26He's not fat, he's not skinny, he's not tall.
03:30But his legs are long enough to reach the ground.
03:39Hello, Billy.
03:40Hello, Jo.
03:46Bye, Mr. Masoda.
03:48It's all right.
03:50Night, Mrs. Peacegood.
03:52Night, Billy.
03:53Don't forget about that project.
03:54Oh, Rex!
03:58He's not what you'd call super clever,
04:00but he's not a thicky either.
04:02At school, he keeps his nose clean,
04:05and his head down,
04:06and a low profile.
04:08Pretty sharp?
04:10My suples and rodents are mammals, miss.
04:13Cool.
04:13And never volunteers for anything.
04:17Billy Webb, what do you think?
04:20Um, uh...
04:21I agree with pretty sharpness.
04:23Very wise of you, Billy.
04:25And I haven't forgotten about your project.
04:28Oh, Wes.
04:30His school reports say average.
04:34But in one respect,
04:36Billy Webb isn't average at all.
04:39He's got a special talent for swapping things.
04:41Not just the usual things, like books and pens and autographs.
04:47Billy Webb will do you a swap on just about anything.
04:50Well, he's very special, this.
04:52Not many like him.
04:53You know, worth a bit of money.
04:54Mm.
04:54And this has always made him a popular boy.
05:01Whenever anyone gets something they don't want for their birthday,
05:05they think, never mind,
05:06I can always do a swap with Billy Webb.
05:09Mind you, it has occasionally got him into trouble.
05:13Billy, what have you done with your new pullover?
05:17Swapped it.
05:18Don't you dare.
05:20What did you swap it for?
05:21These.
05:23Elvis Presley records.
05:24What do you want with them?
05:25Elvis?
05:26Hey, let's have a look at him, Bill.
05:27Don't you encourage him.
05:29It was a good swap.
05:30Honest, Mum.
05:30These are dead rare, then.
05:32Elvis Presley?
05:34They're only rare because everybody's throwing them away.
05:36Who listens to him now?
05:38Lots of people.
05:39Like old rockers and that.
05:40But I'll make a great swap with these.
05:42That's not the point.
05:43I knitted that pullover.
05:45And pullovers keep you warm.
05:47Are these going to keep you warm?
05:48You don't understand, Mum.
05:50You're talking to a great businessman here.
05:52Go and swap them back.
05:53Go on.
05:54I can't do that.
05:55Anyway, it was my pullover, wasn't it?
05:57What?
05:58Better swap them back, son.
05:59Yeah, all right.
06:01I thought it was supposed to be my pullover.
06:02I thought it was supposed to be a free country.
06:05All right, I'm going.
06:07But a straight swap back would have hurt Billy Webb's pride.
06:12Billy, come in here, please.
06:33Good jacket, this.
06:43Real sheepskin.
06:44Dead warm, honest.
06:45Worth a bit, too.
06:46And you don't half look sexy, innit?
06:48Out.
06:49Pullover.
06:50Now.
06:51Right.
06:52Blinkin', please say this.
06:54What are you looking at?
06:55Just getting the pullover back would be far too simple.
07:12Billy swapped the denim jacket with Nigel Creamer's big brother for four pool cues and a set of snooker boards.
07:19I like the cues and a box.
07:22Then, he went round to Scott Barnacle's house and got his pullover back for two of the cues and the snooker balls, keeping the other two cues...
07:31No, but we can get through it easy.
07:33Come on, Tim.
07:36Mozart plays in Milton Keynes, Wednesday at half past four.
08:10Oh, very well, Fred.
08:20They haven't got projects.
08:22They haven't got to do all presentations.
08:24Well, let's have a look.
08:26Well, what do you think, Fred?
08:39Not brilliant, right?
08:42Huh.
08:42Might see you do a project on mice.
08:45Might see you do a project on cats.
08:47Cat's wife, Fred Webb.
08:49All the other dogs in our street chase cats, but I am scared of them, and when I see one in the street, I turn the other way and pretend I haven't seen it.
08:56And don't look at me like that.
08:58I've seen you do it.
09:00Hey, that's longer than my mouse project.
09:04Funny thing projects.
09:06You start off dead interested in something, and the longer you think about it, the less interested you get.
09:12Well, that's it, Fred.
09:14So much for the mouse project.
09:16Mrs. Pizza's going to kill me, and that will be that.
09:20No, that won't do.
09:22I'm too young to die.
09:24I've got to think of something.
09:26What am I going to do, Fred?
09:28What's that?
09:30It's not the milkman.
09:32He can't whistle like that.
09:34That's brilliant whistling, that is.
09:36You're right here.
09:58I'll call you if I need you.
10:06I'm bigger than me in here.
10:10Get in the house.
10:12I missed you.
10:20I need you.
10:22I'm a delicious shit.
10:24I'm a little Mus wire, I'm a little sour real, and I'm almost done in that spot.
10:26It's not a Could-you in the store, man.
10:28Why will he do this?
10:31I'm a winter momer offers you seen the same time,
10:32and you're steaming a lot.
10:35E' arrivato, Alfonso!
10:43What?
10:44E' arrivato, Alfonso!
10:47You don't understand.
10:49I introduce myself proper.
10:51Alfonso Bonzo, my name.
10:53Italian exchange student.
10:55At your service!
10:58Hey, that's very nice.
11:01I'm very pleased to meet.
11:04You found yourself bowing back to him?
11:07Yeah, it was funny.
11:09I didn't mean to.
11:10I just sort of did it.
11:11Did anything about him suggest he was an alien?
11:14Or had superhuman powers?
11:16A lot of people in town have been reporting UFOs and such lately.
11:21Did you think he might be from a world remote from ours, like?
11:26No.
11:27Well, not then.
11:28I thought he might have been a crook at first.
11:30Why? What did he do?
11:32I was coming to that.
11:34Um, look.
11:35The thing is, my dad's not up yet.
11:37I haven't come to see no, Papa.
11:38No my mum, no my sister.
11:40No mama, no sister, not today, thank you.
11:42I come to see you, Billy Webb, because I think maybe you are just the boy for me.
11:47How do you mean?
11:48Look, if you're one of those Italian kidnappers, you come to the wrong place.
11:52You haven't got any money, and we've got this dead, fierce guard dog, all right?
11:54All right, all right.
11:55I haven't come to do no kidnapping, Billy Webb.
11:58How do you know my name?
11:59Oh, it's a very well-respected name, Signor Billy Webb.
12:04A very nice boy for exchanges.
12:07Everybody knows this.
12:08So I think maybe I come and see him.
12:11Maybe I do a small exchange with this Billy Webb.
12:15Alfonso Bonzo, Italian exchange student.
12:18I exchange things.
12:20Capisce?
12:21Oh, what?
12:22Do you mean like swaps?
12:23Si, si, like swaps.
12:24Exactamente you want, clever boy, Billy Webb.
12:28You catch on quick.
12:29What do you swap?
12:30Anything.
12:31So do I.
12:33So, how do you like to make a little exchange with Alfonso Bonzo?
12:37I might.
12:38What have you got?
12:39Well, let's see.
12:41Yes, I have it.
12:42Maybe you'll like my bag.
12:47What do you think?
12:49Bit of a special bag, this.
12:52Only one like it in the whole world.
13:01Yeah, not bad.
13:03Not my sort of bag, really.
13:05Still, what do you want for it?
13:07Straight swapping down the line.
13:08A bag for a bag, what do you say?
13:10You got a little bag to swap, Billy Webb?
13:12Oh, I need my school bag.
13:14Don't think you like that.
13:15Bring him out, then.
13:16Let's have a look.
13:17I think maybe we'll make a nice exchange here.
13:21Oh, all right, then.
13:25Thing is, his bag was dead flashy.
13:28Must have been worth hundreds of pounds.
13:30He'd had to be barmy to swap it for my old school bag.
13:33That's what I thought.
13:35So what did he say when he saw it?
13:36I was coming to that.
13:38A lot of monkey stains here.
13:40A lot of nasty hollies.
13:43I think this is one terrible bag, Billy Webb.
13:46No, very good sort of bag.
13:48Look, personal designs, those are.
13:50And air vents.
13:52Bit of a special bag, this.
13:54Unique, really.
13:54Okay, Billy Webb.
13:57I swap bags with you.
13:59Shake of the hand.
14:00Right.
14:02Right, hang on.
14:05Hey, what you do here?
14:07It's all part of the swap.
14:08You get my things, I get your things.
14:10Otherwise, no deal.
14:12And you don't see Alfonso Bonzo no more.
14:14That's my mouse project in there.
14:16And Mrs. Peasy was going to kill me.
14:17You shake of the hand.
14:18You make of the deal, the Billy Webb.
14:21Oh, yeah.
14:22Oh, I know.
14:24Look, can we make it a swap for one day?
14:27Please?
14:28We didn't say it had to be for keeps, did we?
14:30Okay, just for you, I do this.
14:35Tomorrow, same time, I come back.
14:37We swap back.
14:38Maybe talk another little exchange, okay?
14:40Okay, thanks.
14:42I am thanking you, Billy Webb.
14:44I don't think we regret this.
14:46Billy Webb, you are one very nice boy for business.
14:50I think we make a good exchange today.
14:53Arrivederci.
14:56Thing is, as soon as he'd gone,
14:58he didn't seem like a good exchange at all.
15:00I mean, it was a brilliant bag,
15:02but much too posh and flash for me.
15:04And I couldn't swap it or sell it,
15:06cos I had to give it back the next day.
15:08And I couldn't take it to school,
15:09cos people would take the Mickey.
15:11And I couldn't leave it at home,
15:12cos Mum would find it.
15:13And Alfonso Bonzo had my bag
15:15with my mouse project in it.
15:17Such as it was?
15:18Well, it was better than nothing.
15:20Just.
15:21And then I couldn't get Alfonso's blinking bag to open.
15:25Stupid bag.
15:27Must have been barmy.
15:28Well, don't just sit there staring.
15:30You have a go.
15:32Open the bag, Fred.
15:34Full of biscuits and sausages.
15:36Honest.
15:37And all you have to do
15:38is grab it with your teeth
15:39and shake it
15:40until it opens, like this.
15:41Oh, honestly, Fred,
15:48call yourself a dog?
15:49Billy, you'll be late.
15:51Oh, wats.
15:52Oh, wats.
16:06Oh, wats.
16:06Oh, wats.
16:10Oh, wats.
16:13Flippin' Mondays.
16:26Right.
16:27What have you got there, then?
16:28Nothing.
16:29Oh.
16:30Looks like a whole packet of cornflakes and we've got to take them out of the box first.
16:34Very witty ho-ho.
16:35Oh, come on.
16:36What is it?
16:37None of your business.
16:38Hey.
16:39Looks like you...
16:40Oh, shut up all you, Scott.
16:41It's private, right?
16:42Yeah, right.
16:43People are gonna notice, you know.
16:44No, they're not.
16:45They're gonna yell things at you.
16:46No, they're not.
16:47They're gonna ask if you've got your bottom on back to front.
16:48They're gonna ask you if you're pregnant.
16:49No, they're not.
16:50Oh, look at Billy Webb.
16:51What have you got there, then, Billy?
16:52He's got his bottom on back to front.
16:53Billy Webb's pregnant.
16:54Come on.
16:55We might as well get it out now, whatever it is.
16:56Oh, that's...
16:57Oh, well.
16:58It's not as if it's anything you can do.
16:59I'm not going to do it.
17:00I'm not going to do it.
17:01I'm not going to do it.
17:02I'm not going to do it.
17:03I'm not going to do it.
17:04Oh, look at that.
17:05Where'd you get that bag?
17:06Where'd you get it, Billy?
17:07It's great.
17:08It's a girl's bag.
17:09No, it's not.
17:10It's a bloat's bag.
17:11It's just ordinary.
17:12Look, leave me alone, will you?
17:13Will you swap with it, Billy?
17:14No, I can't.
17:15I'm looking after it for someone.
17:16Oh, come on, Billy.
17:17No, look.
17:18Leave me alone, all right?
17:19Oh, well, I'm not going to do it.
17:20It's not a bag.
17:21No, it's not.
17:22It's a bloat's bag.
17:23It's just ordinary.
17:24Look, leave me alone, will you?
17:25Will you swap with it, Billy?
17:26No, I can't.
17:27I'm looking after it for someone.
17:28Oh, come on, Billy.
17:29No, look.
17:30Leave me alone, all right?
17:35Oh, what?
17:37I don't get it.
17:38If it was me, I'd be thrilled to have a bag like that to take to school.
17:42All the kids crowding round you.
17:44A bag like that could make you the star of the school.
17:47I've always yearned for stardom, I have.
17:50Well, not me.
17:51I don't like to be the centre of attention.
17:53And in any case, I was worried about Ginger Gahagan and his mates.
17:57Ginger Gahagan?
17:58Who's Ginger Gahagan?
17:59Only the oldest boy in the whole school.
18:02So how does he come into the story?
18:03I was coming to that.
18:07Nice one, Bullwinkle.
18:08Coming on well.
18:09Okay, Ratkin.
18:17No, no, no.
18:19You've got to give it a bit more hammer than that if you want a bit of respect.
18:23Here.
18:24I'll show you again.
18:28You looking at me, John?
18:29Eh?
18:30You got a problem or what?
18:33Well, you have now.
18:35Oh, great nutting, Ginger.
18:37Yeah, that's showin', Ginger.
18:39Here.
18:40What's going on over there?
18:42They're all round that little bit of web.
18:44What's he got?
18:45I'll tell you what he's got.
18:47He's got a problem.
18:49Yeah, that's a good one.
18:51What's he got?
18:52He's got a problem.
18:53Yeah, that's a good one, Ginger.
18:55What's he got?
18:56He's got...
18:57Shut up, Ratkin.
18:58Right.
18:59Let's go and put ourselves about a bit.
19:04Oh, no.
19:05What are we going to do?
19:06Quick run though, Billy.
19:07It's too late.
19:10What have you got there then, Billy Webb?
19:12Bag.
19:13That's a girl's bag.
19:14No, it's not.
19:15That's a girl's bag, that is.
19:17Are you a girl or what?
19:19No.
19:20Then what are you doing with a girl's bag?
19:22It's not a girl's bag.
19:23It's an Italian bag.
19:25Very good sort of bag, this.
19:26Bet you wish you had a bag like this.
19:28Give it here then.
19:29No.
19:30No?
19:31Did he say no?
19:33Yeah.
19:35It's not mine.
19:36I'm looking after it for someone.
19:37I can't give it to you.
19:39Yes, you can.
19:40It's easy.
19:41Push off.
19:42You think you can have anything?
19:43You blink in one.
19:44Well, you blink in calm.
19:45You're not having this bag.
19:46Let's get him.
19:47Get back.
19:48Oh, dear.
19:49I'm so frightened.
19:51He's going to hit me with his girly bag.
19:53Push off.
19:54Make me alone.
19:55You got a problem, Billy?
19:57As a servant.
20:00Excuse me.
20:01I don't know him.
20:02Right.
20:04Right.
20:10Go on, eat some again, Billy.
20:35Go on, Billy.
20:36Go on, Billy.
20:37I'm going to get you for this, Billy-web.
20:49Hope it's got a good project in it.
21:00But what happened then?
21:02Did Ginger Gohagan come for his revenge?
21:04What happened about the mouse project?
21:06I was coming to that.
21:08Oh.
21:09Time for your physiotherapy, Mr. Trotter.
21:11No, no, no.
21:12Not just at the moment, please, fellas.
21:13No, if you don't...
21:14No, please.
21:15Not just yet.
21:16No, no.
21:17I can't bear the suspense.
21:18What are the amazing contents of Alfonso Bonzo's bag?
21:22Is Alfonso Bonzo really an Italian exchange student or is he the agent of a foreign power?
21:28I've got to know.
21:29I've got to know.
21:30Oh.
21:31OK, here's the star.
21:32There, there, there.
21:33Can you digest how you do it?
21:34I have to.
21:35No.
21:36There, there.
21:38Rob Paul.